Racism, religion and assholity
Category: Religion and Philosophy

I'm freakin sick and tired of constantly hearing about people being labeled "racist" for either expressing beliefs or making difficult decisions. It's all you fucking hear about these days. News report: "A bunch of muslim youths" Oops! Racist! Jihad on you infidel! Disagree with Israel's West Bank policy? Racist! Anti-Semite! Find the increasing proliferation of stories of sexual abuse and violence in Aboriginal communities a shocking revelation? Filthy bigot!

Why can't one show interest in anything these days without goddamn political correctness stepping in. I read in the paper this morning that a British union was boybotting Israeli goods due to political moves they've made. A prominent Israeli spokesman stated that it was "as good as putting a sign above the shop saying "Jew"'. For FUCK'S sake, can we dispense with the holocaust for one second here? I don't know who this moron was trying to convince, but for anyone out there who wants to draw a parallel between Nazi genocide and trade boycotts can bend over and receive a sharpened stake, predipped in tetnis and Yarra water, up their filthy hides. It shows the real animals are those that make such accusations, using emotional and moral blackmail to get ahead. Cynically exploiting the consciences of others.

Another story, in the SAME newspaper. Muslim girls refuse to take of their hijab, refuse to show their skin, so have to have specially made swimming suits and tracksuit pants, and can't have male teachers, so perhaps hiring women P.E teachers would be preferable. Those were the recommendations by some useless advisory board of leftist hippy wankers who claimed that for schools that don't, including the impugned one that edited the hijab out of the school photo, are discriminatory. Of course, how obvious! All schools that have the odd muslim should fire their male staff, make special concessions for Muslims. Do they get the concept of discrimination? It's singling someone out for special treatment, different treatment from others. The school was trying to encourage conformity and PREVENT discrimination. Think about it. Refusing to take part in everyday activities expected of you, wearing garments designed solely to segregate. Does that sound like discrimination? This isn't a fucking theocracy. You want to go to a state school, a state which is proudly secular, then you abide by their rules or you fuck the HELL off asshole. Go to a Muslim school if you care that much. To a degree this is the same with Christians. Those who want to wear crucifixes everywhere for some depraved sadomaschoistic obsession with the brutal manner in which their saviour died, or Jews with mangy beards, fine. But if your specific practices and garmentry aren't reconcilable with the school/institution's curriculum, then LEAVE.  That's not to say you shouldn't be able to express your beliefs, but that doesn't give you the right to join the institution/society and, based on a lifestyle choice you alone have made, expect acquiesence.
You want to be irrational? Then go where that's the norm and stop being so self important and intransigent. Ie: A church/mosque run institution. I don't march about naked smeared in tartare sauce and animal dung and sing because my cultural heritage says I can. I understand that it's against the accepted rules.

I remember on the Chaser a few weeks back when they confronted the Mufti of Australia Hilali with a "Mufti muzzler", a joke deriving from the fact he's a fucking moron whose mouth spouts more frothing diarrhoea than the asshole of a crack addicted elephant. His immediate reaction was, "You're racist! RACIST". How le FUCK was that racist you stupid clown? Specially coming from a mong who claims to be the head of the AUSTRALIAN muslim community, but doesn't deign it necessary to actually speak the language. No, wouldn't sink to such abysmal depths! Further, his claims that Muslims have more right to be in Australia than the "convicts" that arrived and founded it. Not at all racist eh? Mufti Hilali... if you're listening, I hope you get jumped in an alley by dildo toting Bosnian midgets in bikinis who'll teach you the true meaning of "uncovered meat".

Like the asylum seekers also, Howards indefinite detention of them is distateful and quite frightening from the point of view of civil rights. It is not, however, racist. You know why? Because it's not discriminating against them for not being white, it's discriminating on the basis of lack of citizenship. Further, people claim that to even hold them at all is racist. Well, no, it's called wanting to know who the fuck is entering the country. Particularly in a time of fundamentalist terrorism, sure let anyone in! A country like Australia that thrives on immigration, is entirely multicultural and accepts large quantities of refugees per year is not racist. To claim it is so is just a fatuous and moronic call to insanity.

Finally, I'll end my vitriolic diatribe with a constant double standard. Black and white. If a white man refers to someone as a "nigger", they're racist. They refer to him even as a black man, they're racist. (Nb: Purported changes to the Baa baa Black sheep, to rainbow sheep). Now, I think at least once in EVERY black stand up I've ever seen, they pay out white men as "honky" lame, uncool nerds. They refer to "Whities" etc. I remember hearing an ad on radio with Ice T reading a line then stopping and going, "I wanna know what white assed honky 2 bit nerd *bleeped expletive* wrote this trash!" Imagine the other way around. "By Jove! What manner of misanthropic primeval chicken and watermelon loving negroid specimine finger painted this monosyllabic vomit!?" Instant lawsuit.

My point is people need to firstly get a sense of humour, secondly grow up and stop with the victim syndrome and thirdly practice what they preach. How can one even begin to openly display tolerance to Muslims when they butcher, maim and kill unbelievers, claim the Middle East is only for them, force others to wear headscarves etc in their country, apply archaic sharia law, then as soon as we don't hire a female sports teacher, WE"RE the racist ones.

Here's my plan, we all throw aside ridiculous irrational and obscene religious practices and convert to the universal cult of Crepitus, the Roman god of the Fart. At least he's tolerant.

Amen

8:05 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

STD ads, lip smackin' good.
Category: Religion and Philosophy

STDs, or STIs as they're affectionately known these days are spreading exponentially throughout the world. In the third world, this is sadly understandable given the lack of education and access to proper protection. But in a wealthy developed nation, genital warts are proliferating at a pusy sore a minute, gonnorhea and the clap charging forth onto the stage like a proud actor, and severe herpes and thrush, well you can't ignore them. Why? Because it seems that they've become so common that they've lost their taboo status. In between Cottee's Cordial ads and museli bar commercials we lovingly embrace an advertisement about how we're not alone with our mutilated and rotting genitalia. No, at least 1 in 10 have herpes!

My personal favourite ad is the one of the supposedly attractive woman with the Klingon forehead proudly announcing that right there, at that moment, she was going to cure herself of vaginal thrush. The camera crew, all males, having seen it all before, ostensibly from a previous commercial, mutter impassively. She smiles and goes, "Cured!". Well.... let's be honest, not yet you're not. Tablets need first be digested and interact with the relevant cells and tissue in order to properly initiate convalescence. Essentially, it's still a woman sitting there with a freakin' sour dough kitchen working overtime between her legs. Then she produces a cream at which point those rascally men draw the line and the commercial ends, presumably with the viewers rapturous laughter,

"Ha ha ha! Oh, those silly men! Fancy that! Being disgusted at applying anti fungal cream to an infected vagina on television! What IS the world coming to?"

Then of course, there's the somewhat related ad about period pain. At it's inception you get that "Love and devotion" line then some tart sitting there with a cup of coffee smirks and states, "That should have gotten rid of all of the guys! Now we can talk about period pain." Tad presumptuous if you ask me. I, being of emotionally fixated character and having a penchant of somewhat feminine  standards, remained seated, riveted at the prospect of love and devotion, but lo! I was faced with a discussion of periods. However it was the worst of both worlds. My friend, seated next to me, who's a pervert of the highest order with a provclivity for sick sad maschocism,  was incredibly crestfallen when it wasn't even a detailed description or discussion of mestruation. No gnarly pictures or anything!
He cried himself to sleep later.

My issue is, why are they so selective. My.... friend.... is a violent syphilitic gonnorhea sufferer who is most displeased with the general reticence to discuss or promote awareness of his filthy affliction on television. What about ads for public lice infected piss midgets from Norway, a country renowned for its particularly violent strains, for which the only known cure, as cited in Lord Byron's classic story Don Juan, being a newborn Kenyan child's saliva mixed with eye of newt and Eskimo sperm?

Further, like most other ads, they should be audience targeted. The clap ads should feature during the Rich List; public lice - Scrubs; violent thrush - Sex and the City, and syphilis - Law and Order or any of those crime shows. That way, the education would be spread across a broad cross-section of society.

With this huge increase in awareness of venereal diseases, infections and basic hygiene issues, either society's becoming more filthy and unhygenic, or someone has a vested interest. Perhaps as the Emo within us all suggests, it's some corporate conglomerate purposely perpetuating the epidemic in order to cash in on the cures. Either way, it's likely causing a pharmaceutical economic boom! However we should be careful about putting all our lice eggs in one basket. As Shakespeare warns us in the Merchant of Venice, "All that glisters is not gold", a common typographical error. He in fact said "All that blisters is not gold", a caveat for posterity perhaps harking back to the last STD related economic boom. After all, ever wondered what REALLY caused the fall of the Roman empire?    

5:46 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

David Hicks can suck some donkey dick
Category: News and Politics

I must declare the prospect of dismembering David Hicks piece by piece truly appeals to me. Starting with the head, in true Kenyan fashion, we could remove his eyes and force them up his buttcrack so we could bear witness to the sandpapered broom handle we force into his arse before chaining his arms and legs together and mailing him to Russia as some hotdog meat for the Mafia. The perfidious traitor, what a piece of goddamn shit. But you know what's worse than he? The dumbfuck hicks and politically leftist trendies who campaign for him, raise him up on a pedestal as some form of hero. We have the "David Hicks Association" and others propounding his release. What the fuck is wrong with society? Sure, let's release and idolise a self professed Al-Qaeda terrorist who merely wished to wipe our values and society off the face of the earth. It makes me so mad. Why do people idolise him; making him into the martyr so many misguided muslim idiots wish to be? Because they're even bigger idiots.

People don't seem to be able to map out the difference between the man himself, and the process which has restrained him. Admittedly I have serious problems with mandatory incarceration without trial for 5 years. That's horrible and people are right to protest at such a draconian injustice. But what people don't get is the man himself is a pigfucking animal of the highest order. A cowardly scumbag soldier of fortune who went looking for some kills. You get all these downright fucking moronic talk back radio callers saying to compare him with a mass murderer is fallacious as he didn't kill anyone. Ok, sure, we should therefore remove the charge of attempted murder? If you're too damn incompetent to succeed at brutally murdering someone, you should be released? Get fucked. Furthermore, he was caught RUNNING away like the cowardly piece of shit he is.

Now he's likely going to have a street named after him, a foundation for the support of muslim convert nutbags who want to make a difference, (by slaughtering as many innocents as possible). Already those used pieces of toilet paper programmes like Today Tonight etc are out interviewing his fellow Adelaideans to cavass some opinions on his imminent arrival. The responses they get are to the effect of, "Oh, will be good to have him home!", "Yes, a true Adelaide boy through n through". And the typical Australian emphasis on the underdog, by reference to his roots as a Kangaroo skinner. Wow, Newton wasn't kidding when he said we were standing on the shoulders of giants. History will surely remember his input to the world. Slaughters and skins innocent animals, decides that's not enough, so moves on to innocent humans. Hooray for Hicksy!

What in the BLUE FUCK is this all about? He's not a returning sportsman, nor a successful diplomat. He's a fucking terrorist!

But you sanctimonious assholes will point to the fact that his survival of Guantanamo is a triumph of the human spirit. Oh praise be to fucking Allah. Yeah he was SO mistreated. Solitary confinement, way WAY worse than having your head shredded off with a 4 inch pig sticker blade by Muslim extremists. Oh, and anyone care to notice the fact that he's FAT now? Oh, he must have been starved! Those American animals!

People out there should get their fucking facts straight before jumping on yet another politically trendy bandwagon. No, he's not a hero, he's just an example of a deplorable state of affairs and a system of detention that should be abolished. If Charles Manson was killed in prison from a ceiling collapse as a result of  faulty infrastructure, would people be parading him as a martyr? Did anyone protest when Jeffery Dalmer was beaten to death in prison with a metal bar?

All you people who need to idolise someone or something to fill that craterous vacuum of culture and sophistication need to realise there are real heroes out there. People serving to make the world a better place, not massacre innocents.

Fuck you, fuck Hicks and fuck Christopher Lambert.

6:59 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Thespians and Act0rs
Category: Art and Photography

I don't know about you people, but I fucking hate most actors. It has to be the most self-serving, self important pretentious wankery short of those posing poofters who wear berets and cite poetry to a mean bassline whilst smoking a cigarello. What's so important about the role they play in society? Nothing. They're a bit of light entertainment, the scum that pose and manipulate themselves to take the grind and agony of hard work of the rest of our minds. But these are just the sorts that love to discuss how they "adore philosophy" and the true artistic splendour of their creation. They rant and rave about the "spirit" of each actor and the "compassion" of the director and any other trite bullshit they can think of, whilst almost NEVER asking the interlocutor anything about themselves.

Remember what those people were called back in Medieval Times? Jesters. That's right, the court idiot who pranced around distracting people. But now, these charlatons deem themselves society's alphas. The worst are the VCA or Melbourne Uni actors who mince around in op-shop clothes with the ubiquitous cigarette dangling from the lips in turtle necks referring to themselves as "thespians". Don't be fooled by the semantics, it still means "asshole", just a euphemism created in the Shakespearean time when there was a huge proliferation of posers.

I don't deem my life and work paramount to the progression to the community, but at least I'm striving to be a professional, a person with a vocation of some social utility. I don't intend on standing atop a stage and spieling off cliches and overacting. Anyone can act, not anyone can perform neurosurgery, represent in court, bargain nuclear talks with North Korea. Imagine getting some prick like Colin Farrel to mediate talks with Kim Jung-Il. Between raping original movies with his subpar remakes and releasing his own porn, the whisky soaked potato-grubber would sit there in his fancy clothes and gucci glasses going,

"Wut doo fark do use koreens tink u be a' doin' wit dem nukes? I hev a dram, a dram in which aal da' worrrld be in da peeeece. Goot arny hoores?" Then North Korea would nuke us.

To be honest, I wouldn't blame them. Aside from sportsmen, the other self serving hacks of society, actors are risen up on a pedestal in Western culture whereby they're revered in the cult of personality, rewarded with millions of dollars for prancing about in tight pants and living indulgent decadent lives. Then each 4 years, when there's a presidential election, all the actors choose sides and that's reported on more than policy, because let's face it, with the likes of the great mind of Mark Wahlberg and P Diddy out there, who needs poltical tacticians and analysts?

I can see why the Western world is resented to such a degree. Millions starve globally whilst some fuckhead hack like Tom Cruise gets tens of millions of dollars for acting horribly and attempting to proselytise all those around him with his bullshit cooky religion. Then we rejoice when Angelina Jolie flies first class to an African nation and legally abducts a kid for publicity.

I think the Romans had it right when the entertainers were gladiators who slaughtered each other or fought ravid animals. At least that way they would eventually shut up and die. We should try reintroducing that into today's moralistic society. I would pay top dollar to see Julia Roberts act her way out a snake pit. Fucking bitch.

10:38 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

My life rulz! LolZ!!!!!!
Category: Life

Hey gang! Raph here! Just thought I'd fill you all in on the latest in my life because I know you're all dying to hear! Well, where to begin!? First, I awoke, slightly groggier than usual with a slight headache. But never fear friends, my lust for life and unquenchable vivaciousness was not hampered! I showered, had breakfast and then read approximately 43 pages of a novel I've been.....

Wait.... Fist me? Should smash my computer, break my arms and legs, get packed into a crate and flown to South Africa so I can join that farmer's labourer who was fed to lions, despite the fact my trite paltry attitude will likely give the poor beast shocking diarrhoea?

Kablah?

4:20 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Clapping Neanderthals
Category: Religion and Philosophy

You know what I really can't stand? Wankers who feel the necessity to clap whenever they find something amusing. You know what I mean. Those douchebags that clap thunderously at someone's call and go, "Aww classic, classic!" Usually, it's a socio-economically confused Australian white male between ages 15 - 30 who dresses in brand label pink shirts and tight jeans yet still thinks it fashionable to talk with as broad an accent as possible. Yeah buddy, you're fuckin' Aussie maaaaate!

It just grinds my gears so violently. Example, when I went to see Kenny at the movies, there were about 4 other people in the cinema. Unfortunately, 2 of those people were as described above. Every time there was a joke they deemed amusing, consisting largely of the swear words and references to shit, they would laugh as loudly and obnoxiously as possible and clap going, "HAW HAW HAW, FUCK THAT'S A RIPPER,,,, TOO MUCH... CLASSSSSIICCCCaaah". I swear to God, I was this close to tearing their fucking spleens out and making a fashionable coin purse to accompany my patented Kangaroo scrotum accessory. IT'S A MOVIE... HE CAN'T HEAR YOU!!

What's with this need to clap? Still a carry over from our non-verbal primate friends who used to fling their feces wildly then clap. Babies clap to show appreciation when something amuses them because they don't know any better.



And what the fuck's with the desire to be so ocher anyway? Since when has strutting, burping, mono-syllabic neanderthals erupting with copious testosterone been chiq? That's what cavemen were. Yet every pub which caters to the upper middle classes is chock-a-block with these imposters. We get it, you're Australian, you don't need to prove it by swearing, saying "mate" and beating your women.

It all makes me want to projectile fart my intestines into a garbage bag and sell the result as a cunning Jackson Pollock imitation.

Amen.

1:09 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Country Video Clips

I hate country music. Sure I appreciate the fact my milk, bread and toilet paper all hail from the rural parts and I should be thankful. But that doesn't mean I respect the intelligence nor culture of the peons. No, as far as I'm concerned, the country is the Black Hole Calcutta of culture. I get nose bleeds just watching news reports where some bumpkin getting interviewed about a fire replies in some monosyllabic jarble from beneath a cork hat to the effect of, "Yaw oii gots about forty head a cattle' out beack, n me woife n Oi hed ta kill 'em! Cause da fire burn! Theem city slickers dunno 'bouts REAL problems". No buddy, we don't. As complicated as administering government, law, civic duties, trade, commerce etc are, surely they pale in comparison to the brainstrain, the toil, the downright stressfull nature of milking a cow and driving a tractor. And hey! It's a lot tougher finding women in the city as incest is strangely illegal.

Call me a snob, but I don't want that touching the same udder my milk came from. The disease, the inhumanity... thank God for homogenisation! But I digress, their music.... terrible. IT'S ALL THE SAME! Do these people suffer from Alzheimer's and keep forgetting they've already done the same fucking song about sheering sheep or riding a goddamn horse seventy times, or are they just as unoriginal as Jerry Bruckheimer and know it sells? Either way, I get fucking pissed off.

Typical country music song: Broad rimmed hats, spurred boots, kicking dirt, stupid beards, uncharacteristically good looking women (usually blondes), a couple of old farts, stock animals and the sun... Oh, and insert some SHITHOUSE music in to the mix. It's always slide guitar, and some douchebag singer with a breaking wail that can't even hit a semi tone above his speaking voice pontificating about "the old country ways" or "them city slickers".

I saw Lee Kernaghan's aptly titled song "The New Bush" on TV the other day. New? What the fuck's so new about it? It was Lee in tight jeans, boots, broad rimmed hat, kicking dirt in a cattle shed and playing a guitar that wasn't plugged in. Well I suppose the camera was new technology for these maloderous cretins, but if they can't even manage an amplifier then fuck me, not new enough Lee. Still a dusty flea pit full of our raw primogeniture grappling with some difficulty the concept of walking upright and buttoning up their pants... wonder if zipper flies are too "new"?

I admit to knowing next to nothing about the bush, but frankly with either cliched rednecks or bucktoothed moaning hicks as its ambassador, I'm pretty damned glad. Why are they so proud of  living in the past? Is the present that horrible? Maybe one day I'll give living out there a shot; I'd probably end up losing my teeth, taking up the banjo, whining, marrying my sister, lynching a minority, whining, voting Family First in order to burn some lesbians at the stake, whining, then get run over by my own tractor and sold as fertilizer or prime mince to Indonesia.

Or maybe I'll stay here and have a future.

3:44 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Dickens' forgotten tales
Category: Romance and Relationships

"This be the long censored tale of Charles Dickens', "The Tale of Two Titties", vehemently supressed during the Victorian age of morality, it is as follows:

And verily, the stoney countenance of the squired gentleman did betray his lusty intentions, as he bore two discreet holes in her mammories with his frightful gaze. "Madame!" he did enunciate with an air of bravado, "Madame I declare that I am inclined to fornicate with your posterior, for verily, the pleasure is unparalleled when compared to yonder snatchbox!" To which the fair damsel could naught but thrust her dainty and begloved hand betwixt his inner thighs and grip his testiculae in a vice like embrace, "Honoured Gentlesquire, I am compelled to admonish you thus, attempt any of your backsidal escapades on this nymph, and thy acorns from which your Aristoltean potential derives shall indeed metamorphose into but bilge!""

Lo! The gentlesquire was loathe to admit, but indeed his sexual quarry did have him in a bind. However the moment was unceremoniously disturbed by the entrance of the honourable Vicar Spiffington Morely of Goresglen Priory. Upon survey of the melee progressing before him, he did shout from the threshold, "What skullduggery is afoot? Sir, do you indeed seek to dishonour the chastity of this, God's most saintly vessel?"
To which the gentleman, whose name was truly the Right Douglas Ruffledon III, did rejoin "Indeed father, curious interrogations to come forth from a fallen angel of your stature. Verily I suffered a paraoxysm of repulsion when  I  was made witness to an orgiastic and downright demonic ceremony in yonder field of Gladsglen yester-eve, at which you sir, you did take prime position in the fornicatory ecstacy! Father, pray, refrain from pronouncing hypocrisy from thy forked tongue!"

At such antagonism the fallen priest did swoon, but was loathe to confirm Ruffledon's accusation. It must be stated, despite the incongruence between action and position, that the impious preacher did tear forth from his person his robes to display an outfit of the lycra commonly found adorning professional wrestlers and verily did he leap into the upon his victim and battle was joined. Tooth to nail did the combatants fight until at last, brandishing a candlestick as makeshift instrument of her fancy, the damsel did attempt to parlay for peace and a return to equanimity. At the poignant sight of the plaintive maiden the pair of testosterone charged pugnacious combatants did pause, reflect and agree to truce. But lo! It was not to be, for at that moment a bear did enter the chamber and proceeded to tear each and every member of the quarum to their violent and untimely deaths.

Verily and in earnest did the first of the two titties be shredded."

- Extract from Charles Dickens' "A Tale of Two Titties", Chapter 1 (1859)

7:44 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Biblical Fattery
Category: Writing and Poetry

Blubber

Ye, and so it began,

with a rotund Greek man boy eating some ham,

Into the mouth and down the throat,

verily did the gut begin to bloat,

Spam, beer and loads of mutton,

all to sate the desire of this enormous glutton

He's a hideous growth, a bulging fuck,

when you hear him approach you're out of luck,

One must flee to escape his monstrous posterior,

but never fear for a man so fat is always inferior,

Indeed, he be fat, obsese, sweaty and vile

but when I see him, I cannot but smile,

For deep down I know he's dead inside,

and it be only a matter of time till with a bus he doth collide,

Die fat man die.

Amen

(Revelations 4:23)

12:28 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment