Thanksgiving: Tofurkey and the friends that dont spit it out after ingesting it.
Current mood: accomplished
Wed was club hell.
i Pierced my bottom lip.
not like last time where i got my labret pierced. they went thru my lip.
the first time he pierced it, it ended up crooked. i had exclaimed. "FUCK YEA.. lets do it 3 more times" (before i knew it was crooked.). the second time hurt a lot more... but.. turned me on just the same.
Jon just doesn't understand why pain makes me want to fuck.
but it does.
ALOT.
....
immediately afterwards we went to Hell where he Performed in our friend Ave's band: PATTERNS FORM. music that's right up my alley. Ethereal, sexy, mystical.
it was good to get out of the house and see my club friends.
They're all so beautiful.
....
Thanksgiving.
This was the first thanksgiving that i was super duper happy and not thinking about my past but i woke up like i used to at christmas when i was little. SUPER excited way too early. Jon probably likes it though he does need more sleep, but i think he likes the affection and attention even while he sleeps.
We woke up and immediately started cleaning and preparing my house.. from noon till 7 it was non stop. we set up his music studio in the extra room and rearranged the whole loft and you know what. it is way more cozy. feels nice and lived in.
However i need more foam pads.
Lots more foam pad.
To have a giant snuggle party and movie sleep-over.
At 7pm people started showing up and we were eating, laughing and cooking till midnight. 7 bottles of wine, its a good thing we ran out. it was exactly the perfect amount. no one ended up wasted, everyone played in and out of conversations.
I loaded my flash drive with tons of D&D books for my friend to start a campaign for us. (3.5 edition)
he has a pc and cant read pdfs for some reason.
it will all work out.
it has to.
So we did it. had dueling Tofu turkeys. The Vegan Turkey VS. Tofurkey. i should have checked the salt content of them and included them in the rankings. The Vegan turkey was in the shape of a turkey, but after cooked looked like a giant turkey muffin. The tofurkey came in a log.. kind of in dog food packaging after you take it out of the box.
The Vegan turkey was fun to eat and the texture was pretty good, but the after flavor... was slightly off. we were almost fooled, but that after flavor snuck in. kind of like a chloraseptic.. but very very faint. not offensive at all, but there enough to make you remember you weren't eating meat. but i kind of like that because i cant stand the after oil animal flavor.
The Tofurkey was frightening to look at, but after it was cooked was like a cordon bleu. The texture was a bit on the packed and processed side but the flavor and after flavor weren't so bad (I'm eating it as leftovers as I'm typing this). great for sandwiches or dishes that require meat. this is a great meat substitute.
like i said, i didn't look at the fat or salt content, but these have to be both pretty up there.
Jon made a very vegan meal. super healthy, crisp flavors: home made corn bread, gravy, root veggie mash (like mashed potatoes but yummier), raw cranberry relish... it pays to date a veggie chef!... it balanced all the cheese and crackers and rum yams and sugar carrots and broco casserole and pie and pie and pie and pie and pie and pie and pie and wine and chili.
it was a very fun and sweet Thanksgiving that ended in a giant quickie dog pile snuggle fest.
i love Thanksgiving because its a low expectation holiday. no presents for anyone, people are just happy to spend time together (if you do it our way and not go the mandatory family route).
Now for the leftover holiday binge.. luckily there's mostly vegan leftovers.. I'm scared of the pies.. because i freaking love desert... maybe january will want to come over and eat pie for breakfast! :)
White Trash Wonderland aka: GWAR
Current mood: exhausted
Before i go into the gwar show... i want to talk about BABYLAND.
they played on thursday at SINISTER. i am not sure if you are aware of BABYLAND, but they were one of the first industrial bands and they rock.. have been rocking for a LONG freak'n time. i saw them 10 years ago with my friend mikey at the Gillman in Berkeley. all i remember was the smell of burning hair and clothes. This time.. potpouri. that's what they spray on the audience. probably got tired of all the sweaty man smell that accumulated at their shows. it was really awesome though. their home made drum kit and use of road flares and water made it one of my fav shows to date. intimate setting, but a performance that's a MUST see!!! also, our fav band in LA.
then Saturday Jon and i made it out to pomona to devirginize the Gwarian in me. I'd never gone to a show, but i remember sitting in my friend Wolf's house in sacramento with Joyboy, i was 16 at the time?... 12 years ago... i remember my eyes big and wide in amazement. id never seen anything like that. i loved it.. and i knew the experience was going to be unforgettable.
and it was at an all ages venue.
and i crowd surfed...
backtrack.
Jon and i spent all day buying white outfits for the show. yes its a hard core metal show.. but we wanted him to go in a white suit and me in a white sequined dress. we get to the gig... and we're getting snickered at, laughed at... except from the experienced Gwar onlookers. they knew what we were up to. .. but we still danced among the 15 year olds in our white fits to the first two bands.... (Kingdom of Sorrow (featuring members of Hatebreed and Crowbar) and Portland's thrash- lords Toxic Holocaust.)... my fav being kingdom of sorrow...
then Gwar came on.. and up front.. the pushing and shoving began and the first onslaught of blood came at my face.. not sure where it came from.. whos orifice or utensile... but the entire audience was soaked and the crowd surfers came in abundance to get a front seat to the gore.
i looked around when i could while sweaty men and women, mostly men, elbowed eachother in the backs, pushing and laughing and chanting and oi-ing. i clung to Jon as much as possible but i couldnt help but dance and push back. it was like high school all over again. innocent anarchy. faces all drowing with blood. Jon must have crowd surfed 5 or 6 times,...i did it once.. almost lost a shoe and only one hand trying to feel my vagina before the bouncers helped me down.
my neck hurts from head banging... my back hurts from getting elbowed by this little 10 year old... i'm 28.. felt like i was 18 till today...
and now i'm on my way to see chad michael ward's military fetish gallery, then to bar sinister to see Jon play with Mankind is Obsolete.
check out the pre and post gwar photos in my albums :)
So, i've been in kink in the Caribbean. One of the most amazing vacations, if not the most amazing vacation i've ever taken. next year i'm going to stay an extra week to tour jamaica.
BUT the CREME of this brulee is the ONGOING NONSTOP KINK ACTION that happens at kinkinthecaribbean.com. Its held at hedonism 3 once a year. a nudist resort where ANYTHING GOES. for serious kinksters only. the price really filters out anyone who might be toying with the idea. i mean, 8 days. every night a different themed party. every day a different excursion or pool or beach party. mostly the days were for recovering, though i only drank 3 out of 8 days. i think the jerk chicken (which i dont eat except i figured if i dont do it in jamaica when would be a good time?) and the midnight buffet with french toast did me in. i had worked out almost every day and stayed tuned enough to find out about the yes on prop 8 and yes on obama... people were celebrating in jamaica. I did the crazies cbt shoot (if you dont know you betta aks some body)... threw the craziest vip Party. frollicked around with the cracker kids and handed out beating after beating the last night. i perfomed a kitty show where i imbeded a bottle of rum creme into my neither regions and attempted to squirt it out onto an unlucky (or very lucky) by standard. it didnt work... but the fact i tried .. well, if i was going to do it, Masque in Kinkinthecaribbean is the place for me to do it.
Seriously the best kinky event ive ever attended... and so long. you gotta be serious if you do it 8 days in a row!
since ive been back ive been working a lot. spending time with my boyfriend in a practically monogamous relationship. It feels pretty good.
i just paid for my high school reunion and the hotel at it... so.. that's nov 29th. we'll see what happens with that...
im really exhausted from working so much and as much as things could be worse but are not... i still have bits of depression seeping in my real life. i am happy and when i'm happy i'm really happy.. but my lows are getting really low. i slept all weekend because of it. i feel bad for flaking on my friends, but i just couldnt move this weekend.
i'm looking forward to remedying all of ths, slowly but surely. at least i've got some amazing memories from KITC... and life long friends from all over the world.
Woah..i just read my myspace profile. who is this chick. i feel like i wrote all this so long ago that its not even who i am anymore. i certainly dont look like the girl in any of the photos anymore. since i wiped my hard drive... maybe this is a good way for me to start over. i've changed so much since i started this profile. ... whats next.. what represents me now?
The Playboy Mansion Halloween Party 2008
Current mood: blessed
Woah.. what a night..
I wasnt expecting anything from the evening, but what i witnessed was a haunted castle full of beautiful people. ... in a nut shell.
I picked up Toryn and Molli and we drove to the pick up spot where we take the shuttle to go to the Mansion. They looked amazing, as usual. both sexy vampires and i was their Cat for the evening (decked out in fur and leopard print to match my tattoo). Really they looked like themselves with vampire teeth.
We roll up and Hugh had the entire mansion decked out like the most amazing haunted castle. he hired people to hop out and scare people all throughout the place. (even in the gardens and the zoo) There was a line into the mini house on the tennis court. after a couple of shots we went into the 3d haunted walk where black light and 3d glasses made you feel like you were on acid as things popped out at you and grabbed your ankles.
The entire place was like a fantasy filled with actors and actresses and models. I ran into Baby Jill who looked amazing as ever in her little blonde wig. ... The whole night was slightly overwhelming. At the bar a very pretty girl (kind of looked like the 80s version of tiffany) asked me "excuse me, do i know you?" i told her that she might if she watches porn after which she giggled and agreed that she did and she ordered up our drinks. later the three of us danced next to pauly shore and jon lovitz and some hot asian guy from some tv show that i am not familiar with because i dont watch tv.
It was a night that Molli, Toryn and i will not forget for sure. the playboy mansion ran out of jagermeister.
i got home around 5am... called up Jon to come sleep with me. I just needed to be wrapped up in his arms and surrounded by love only he knows how to give me.
.... then i awoke with a jolt as tears squirted out of my eyes.... i had a startling dream.
.....
... Something about traveling, racing then back to center in a home, a large home, castlesque, spanish villa esque... mood lighting, people all around, then none.. and i was talking with someone, reinacting something... someone was behind me and i was pressed up against a doorway with only my left shoulder and i was talking...
My grandmother was in the room and we chatted and talked and laughed and talked and talked as if we were catching up, we had a lot to say to one another. My sister came in and they discussed her going to New York. i wanted to go, but couldnt fit it in my schedule and we all agreed i wasnt supposed to go with her, at least not this time. then we went into another room where she stood at the top of these stairs and we just kept talking/communicating. she was doing these strange yoga positions and was so playful, like i remember her. She mentioned that one of her favorite things is sliding down stairs head first on your stomach, and then she did it.. .. and we laughed. then she stopped and looked at me as she playfully held onto the rail with one hand letting gravity take her off to an angle: "you know, you're really nice". at that moment i realized and mentioned that i hadnt seen her in so long and it had been really long and i couldnt remember how long exactly. then i thought about how much i have changed since the last time i saw her (93?, 94?)... then i realized that this was just a dream so i reached out to her and touched her as she sat in the seat next to me. the light behind her turned her into a sillouete and i struggled to make out her facial details. she was strange and playful.. and alive and i felt her right there. we were sitting right next to one another. as if we were actually next to one another. i second guessed the fact that i was dreaming. it just felt so real. felt more real than any other dream ive ever had... then she mentioned that my childhood friend and my brother AJ had been talking and that Marty told him "There are just too many people in the world". ...
Jon woke up and as he woke up her face turned into Martys and the whole dream went up in smoke and i woke and joltedly sat up and i screamed and couldnt belive it was just a dream. it felt so real. my whole being vibrated with her energy. i could feel her in my skin, in my bones and i grabbed my shoulders as i cried and i grabbed them so hard i couldnt, wouldnt let go not even to wipe my nose. i hadnt thought or dreamed of her in so long, and never that vividly, never with such vibrant energy. Jon cared for me and wasnt intrusive and was very gentle about handling what was going on. i love and thank him so much for his care.
I held myself so long, and memories flooded back into my life. memories that i'll post on myspace.com/journeytofindself . I felt like my energy doubled in size, as if she was with me.
The thing about DMT is that it releases a chemical inside of you that is only released when you are born and when you die. ... and are in certain states of r.e.m.. i've gotten there through DMT a few times and this Ayervedic oil drip (shiradarah?) that get dripped on your third eye and puts you immediately into that state without the use of any drugs. Ive read books and articles and heard from friends about the place this takes you.. to what i call the energy pool. where we all go when we're done here. we just get thrown back into the pool of it all ... i felt like i tapped that and brought some extra energy back with me. like my grandmother is with me. not like in a ghost form or anything, but the residue of her energy is with me.
crazy hippie satine. I'm not spiritual, but i do believe in energy. i believe in life, in existence. I am very lucky to have seen what ive seen in my life, to have experienced things that people barely are able to dream about or let alone imagine.
it is one thing to be able to look or think outside of the box, and another to live outside of the box. I know the box exists and there are people every day that try to take me back into the box by giving their opinions or projecting their views onto my life. And even in my darkest hour (or year, as this one has been), i always bounce back. We all bounce back as long as we can see our mistakes, learn from our mishaps, recognize our differences, good, bad or just plain different.
The only constant.. is energy.
Friday.. i made love to my fiance, Nica Noelle for a lesbian movie. Being in her arms again made me remember how much i really do love her. every curve of her body, her gentle face, though intense energy. my earring got caught in her hair and we lost ourselves so much we might have not gotten the angles right for lighting... the whole thing might have been rushed or just might not look right, but it was the most beautiful and real porn ive ever made. we lost one another and could not stop once the cameras shut off. I could have made love with her all night.
Molli asked me about my fiance, and about my world and asked if i was in love. I just couldnt answer it correctly because i dont have the words for it. I am in love with Jon. simply. in the only way we know how to be in love with one another. better to be with him than without him and visa versa on his part. And at the same time, my fiance, Nica.. i love her so deeply as it seems surreal. we see one another once a month (if that) but ever since we met we "knew" one another. i felt like i'd always known her. I love her indescribably.
We are all human, and neither of these two relationships are perfect. We dont really know what we're doing, we just know how intensely we care for one another. We will make mistakes, accidently hurt one another, but we learn and grow and hold each others hand while we go on our own journeys. its all we can do until we go back to the pool from which we came.
The greatest and best playlist
Current mood: adventurous
So Jon has convinced me to set up my play list.. and now i'm addicted. i am certain that ive created the greatest and best playlist (vol 1.) ever. please take the time to enjoy my little roller coaster of audio extravaganza-ness!
myspace.com/journeytofindself
Current mood: amorous
myspace.com/journeytofindself
i just started this new myspace for all of us who are going through similar journeys to speak to one another specifically about it. basically i want to figure out a way for people to write their own stories for others to read. i'm not sure how, weather or not people should just email me and i'll blog the emails or if they should be able to post themselves.. i dont know how flexible myspace is. but if you can help me start this i would really appreciate it.
the response ive been getting really has been incredible and i really want to share this with everyone.... we all have sadness relapses...
accomplished
exhausted
blessed
amused
amorous