In case you wondered
Category: Blogging

MySpace bugs the hell out of me. This is where I've been posting all the craziness.

11:13 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

This alone validates my going back to school

As I was walking down the hall yesterday, I was passed by a man and a woman. Both were in their late thirties to mid fourties. As we passed, I overheard the greatest snippet of conversation ever.

Man: What class do you have next?
Woman: I'm done for the day, I'm headed home to meet the monks.
Man: Excuse me? Did you say "the monks"?
Woman: Yeah, the monks.

At this point they moved out of earshot, but eh, I feel I heard all that mattered.

Currently listening : Orbital 2 By Orbital Release date: 03 August, 1993

3:58 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

This one isn’t particularly funny
Category: Life

I remember when I was growing up, adults never seemed as excited by their birthdays as I was by mine. In fact, some of them seemed to actively dislike theirs. At the time I chocked this up to one of those things that adults did that was just plain crazy, such as enjoying asparagus or not appreciating a well-told poop joke. Obviously, I would never grow up to be one of those adults.

Or so I thought. As the years have passed, I have certainly lost touch with the youthful exuberance that once filled me as the celebration of my day of birth neared. These days I find that it only causes feelings of unease and unhappiness. I tend to brood a lot. Even more so than usual.

I tend to dwell on goals not met, experiences not tried, and wishes left unexamined. Focusing on the positive aspects of the preceding year just doesn't seem to work. My friends, who don't really understand why I'm so depressed, try their best to cheer me up, but all I am able to see are the ones who let me down.

Each year I ask for and expect less than the year before. This year was in some ways the worst yet. All I wanted was to be alone. To lick my wounds in peaceful solitude as it were. But a good friend of mine convinced me that that was no way to spend one's birthday. So I agreed to go out with him and him alone for drinks. By the time he finally called, it was too late get started. When I got off the phone I realized that he hadn't even mentioned my birthday at all.

It's no less than I expected though. It isn't really my birthday until someone close to me lets me down. This isn't a dig at my friends. I know they all mean well and some even more than others. I don't blame them at all. They can't overcome the fact that my birthday is unpleasant much in the same way they can't overcome the fact that fire burns. I don't get angry at fire for doing what it does and I'm not angry now. I have resigned myself to what is.

So leave me to my bitterness. Allow me my mournful contemplation of another year gone by. Birthdays aren't my thing. But know this, when yours comes round, we are going to party. We will rock the fucking house. Yours will be a thing of myth and legend. Just you see.

Currently listening : Twilight of the Gods: The Essential Wagner Collection By Richard Wagner Release date: 11 August, 1998

4:20 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

This is for the ladies
Category: Web, HTML, Tech

I appreciate your gumption. I salute your enterprising nature. I respect your entrepreneurial effort. However, with all that said, I really have no desire to pay money to see you naked. It's just not going to happen. Try not to let it get you down.

I understand where you're coming from. You're young, attractive, and if not tech savvy yourself, you know someone who is. With easy access to both a digital camera and the internet, you thought "Hey...I could make some money selling naked pictures of myself". It's a great idea. It's this kind of thinking that drives our capitalist society. I fully support you in your endeavor.

But you need to understand something. I will not be the one paying to see you in all of your young and naked glory. Why? Because much like you, I am also young, attractive, and tech savvy. I have both a digital camera (though that's a whole different issue) and access to the "World Wide Web". The reason I will never pay to see you naked is because I can easily find someone else just as young, just as attractive, and just as naked for free.

In fact with a little time and effort I can find pictures and videos of young ladies doing anything I have ever desired to see young ladies do. And even quite I few things I never, ever desired to know existed, let alone watch. And occasionally, things that I would have assumed physically and anatomically impossible. But I digress. What on earth could you possibly have to offer, that I haven't seen before? What makes you so incredible, that I would be a fool to not part with my hard earned money to see? When you can answer that, then we'll talk.

Currently listening : Remedy By Basement Jaxx Release date: 03 August, 1999

5:16 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

The importance of holiday traditions
Category: Food and Restaurants

Tradition is the foundation of holidays. Family traditions are what make our personal holiday experiences such treasured (hellish) memories. In my family, one of the most enduring and meaningful traditions is The Argument About Dinner. This tradition means SO much to us we've incorporated into both our Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations.

By now, we've had the argument so many times, it's more like reading lines from a script than actual conversation. It begins with my parents asking my sister and I what we would like to do for those holiday dinners. I promptly respond that we will be eating the Traditional Holiday Meal (tm). In the case of Thanksgiving this means: a roasted turkey, stuffing (one or two varieties), mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce, and pumpkin pie. To suggest otherwise is tantamount to implying that the world is flat or perhaps that the sun revolves around the earth.

My parents bring up ideas that they've had or recipes that they've come across. I calmly reiterate my list of accepted foods. They suggest spin offs or alternatives. I inform them that I have no interest in turducken or game hen and that tofurkey is in fact a disgusting abomination and a god damned crime against nature. At this point things begin to get slightly heated. My sister, bored with the situation, usually tunes out or outright walks away at this time.

My parents try to sell me on the idea of trying new things and adding some variety. I explain that's what the other 363 days (364 in leap years) are for. They try to use logic, such as the fact that I don't even eat pumpkin pie and have publicly stated my preference for stale cat urine to anything made out of cranberries. As they obviously are not comprehending our moral obligations to prepare and consume traditional holiday foods, I bring out the big guns. Authoritatively I advise them that they are spitting in the faces of our pilgrim forefathers (if Thanksgiving) or making Baby Jesus cry (if Christmas) if they dine on anything other than the menu I have laid out.

Generally this is where the argument begins to tip in my favor as it is becoming more and more evident that I losing touch with any sense of propriety and in fact logical reality. It is in their best interest to end the argument now before I launch into ever more ungracious and absurd accusations, suppositions, or declarations. Also important, to head me off before I get to the hostage taking or wanton destruction stage of my argument.

What can I say? Holidays are important to me. Deviations are unacceptable. Besides, food tastes that much better when it's the product of ridiculous argument. If you don't believe me, you are a bad person.

Currently listening : Speak For Yourself By Imogen Heap Release date: 01 November, 2005

4:26 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

More fun with public transportation
Category: Travel and Places

Over the years King County Metro has sponsored an ongoing poetry program. Basically it means that you have something ever-so-slightly more asinine to stare at on long bus rides than say, an ad telling you that the university needs people between 18 and 34 years old for a herpes study.

Some time ago I was riding the bus with my sister when she nudged me. "Take a look at that," she said, pointing at a poem.

I read it. "Yup that's a poem alright."

"No. Really read it."

I reread more attentively. What at first glance seemed kind of random and not particularly interesting, changed. As it sunk in, I had to chuckle. It wasn't the kind of thing people usually write poems about. I had to wonder if the person who approved it's use on the buses even really read it.

Currently listening : Bleed Like Me By Garbage Release date: 12 April, 2005

2:59 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

It’s not easy being a connoisseur

What I'm looking for it relatively simple. I want a really nice hipflask. Now it doesn't need to be flashy or made from exotic materials or handcrafted by a master flasksmith with generations of family experience. Nope. All it needs to do is hold liquids (of an alcoholic nature) and not fall apart. Ever.

Seriously, all I'm concerned about is getting a flask that will withstand the test of time. On the surface, this wouldn't seem like a big issue. Strangely though this is more difficult than I ever would have imagined. I have looked high and low. Searched and researched. Thus far, nothing.

The last flask I owned did an okay job. It certainly was capable of holding liquid. Until it wasn't. And the timing of this incident was less than optimal. Imagine bursting an eight ounce flask of peppermint schnapps in your pants. At work. First thing. Now count yourself lucky. You can only imagine it, I have to remember it.

Now I don't mind sinking a bit of money into this venture. I am one of those people who will spend a little extra cash to get the assurance that this is the last one of these I will ever need to buy, whatever it is. Usually a willingness to spend a bit extra opens more doors when trying to purchase something. Not so here.

I have seen my fair share of cheap flasks. Uninterested. For a little more, there is a definite midrange. Not what I'm looking for. Top of the line has so far eluded me. This upsets me. A lot. Where the hell do classy gentlemen with more money than sense buy those most excellent hipflasks (that are so well made, they will become family heirlooms that are cherished for decades)? Am I asking too much of the world? Are my standards simply too high?

Currently listening : Welt By OhGr Release date: 20 March, 2001

4:45 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

The time has finally come
Category: School, College, Greek

I'm going back to school. After carefully weighing the pros and cons for higher education versus my shitty job, college won out. Apparently, I'd rather pay good money and put up with a bunch of bullshit than be paid good money and put up with a huge heaping mound of bullshit. It's time to move on and the only smart way to do that is school.

I tried this path once before, right after high school. It didn't go so well. My parents and I reached a compromise, though they were completely unaware of it at the time: according to their wishes, I would go to college and according my wishes, I wouldn't go to class. So, I'd be on campus, technically "at college" just like they wanted. I didn't do anything, just like I wanted. This lasted two impressively long quarters before I was granted my wish. I got the exasperated approval of my parents and I dropped out. Though that's kind of a strong term considering the tenuous nature of my academic experience.

I moved out and started working full time. Quickly I found out what generations before me had discovered. The real world is not fun. Work is boring. Paying rent sucks. Being the kind of person I am, I gritted my teeth and refused to admit to anyone, especially myself, that perhaps college wasn't so bad. I told myself I wasn't in school because I didn't know why I was there. That until I knew what I wanted to do with my life, there wasn't any reason to go back.

Now I know what that reason is. I know why I am going to be there. I don't want to work a soul crushingly shitty dead-end job for the rest of my life. So, I've filled out the paperwork and I've taken the tests. Bring on the cramming, the exams I didn't study for, the boozing, and the carousing. Give me stupid English papers, long-winded history professors, coeds looking to "experiment", and incomprehensible math assignments. Show me too much coffee, too little sleep, too much ramen, too little food. God damnit, give me the whole college experience. I think I'm ready this time.

Currently listening : The Gathering Wilderness By Primordial Release date: 22 February, 2005

5:01 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

The Joys of Public Transportation
Category: Travel and Places

Several months back I took a trip to NYC with my sister, A, and her boyfriend, T. My sister was there for work, while her boyfriend and I were there because it was an excuse to go to New York. So while A toiled away at her job, T and I wandered aimlessly, got into trouble, engaged in mischief and shenanigans, harassed the locals, and generally had a good time. There was one particular incident that he and I will be laughing about for years (well, two if you count the gay analingus joke that traumatized, embarrassed, and horrified both my sister and the elderly man walking behind us. But that's a whole 'nother story.)

Our story begins in a rather full subway car at the beginning of rush hour. T and I are bit run down from a long day of doing touristy crap. We are sitting the in silent contemplation of the revitalizing properties of a drink. All around us is the hubbub of New Yorkers who are headed home after work or whatever (also doubtless contemplating a drink themselves). Through this cacophony of noise, something catches my ear, but I can't quite make it out. I turn and see that T is also looking about quizzically. It is apparent that he too has heard something strange, but isn't sure what it is. Just as I am about to give up, I hear it again.

"I don't want no goddamn beef patty." This is stated with a calmness and dare I say gravitas, that belies the fact that the speaker is eight, maybe nine years old. Now for reference, understand that this kid was about fifteen or twenty feet away from me and talking to his mother, who was seated directly next to him. Also remember that I am surrounded by people who are almost all talking to someone else.

The kid's mother says something in response, but at a more normal volume, so I have no idea what she said. A deep awkward silence comes over the subway car as fifty or so people try and fail to act as if they aren't intently watching what is doubtless a human tragedy in the making.

"I don't want no goddamn beef patty!" A little louder and a little more insistent. At this point, it is perfectly clear to everyone in the subway car that any offers of beef, especially in patty form, made to this particular child will be met with staunch rejection. Everyone except his mother apparently. Again she says something too quiet to be heard.

"I DON'T WANT NO GODDAMN BEEF PATTY!" Right. We have heard you kid. Loud and clear. In fact I'm fairly certain that people in the cars in front of us and behind us heard you. People walking along the street above were probably struck by the sudden thought that somewhere there was a child who in no way desired a beef patty.

Well, that was the end of that. We all sigh a sigh of relief that that debate was over. After all, what more was there to say? That kid did not want a hamburger. Case closed. A few minutes pass. Passengers tentatively begin to restart their conversations. This turned out to be a mistake. We had jumped the gun.

"IDONTWANTNOGODDAMNBEEFPATTY!" At this point, I am quite certain the entire population of the city of New York could hear this kid. I mean, damn. I had no idea anyone could be so violently against a burger. I turn to T and he is straining to contain himself. In fact just about everyone is. Myself, it hurts to contain the laughter. But no one dares to laugh. We all know that if one person laughs, we'd all lose it. And that would push this kids poor mom right over the edge. She'd die of embarrassment.

Thankfully the next stop was ours. T and I get off. As I'm drawing in the amount of breath needed to fuel the laughter within, T turns towards me and says, with all the seriousness he can muster, "I don't want no goddamn beef patty." I just about fell onto the tracks, laughing my ass off.

Currently listening : Dangerous and Moving By t.A.T.u. Release date: 11 October, 2005

5:23 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Aging isn't so much a process as it is an ambush
Category: Life

When we're kids, we can't wait to "grow up". We all want to be old enough to do whatever it is we're not old enough for. Then it starts to happen. You grow up. And you're not quite ready.

After twelve dreadful years, the public school system spits you out and damnit if you aren't excited. You're finally doing what you want. You go to college or get a job or both. Life is good. Oh...wait. I gotta pay taxes and tuition? This isn't fun. But whatever. You're young and life is good.

Suddenly people you went to high school with are getting married. Shit, how did this happen? You remember these people from when they couldn't commit to a date for the spring formal. They aren't just having kids now, they're starting a family? What the hell? Aren't these the people who killed the class hamster in the fifth grade?

When did the people you went to school with get so old? When did you? Adulthood just snuck right the fuck up when you weren't looking. A girl I had tenth grade english class with came into my work today with her toddler. I'm not ready for this. Soon enough it will be my friends who are getting married and god forbid starting families.

I don't like it. Well, that's not right. It's not that I don't like it. More that it...makes me uncomfortable. If I follow that line of thinking, well, soon enough it leads to where I'll be. The image of myself with Significant Other and a potential brood of troglodytes is, to put it mildly, terrifying. One day I'll be ready, sure. But I don't want that day to come for a while. I'll make a deal. Let me extend my early twenties for say, three or four decades and then I'll be ready.

Currently listening : The Complex By Blue Man Group Release date: 22 April, 2003

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