Stop Laughing, Taint Funny!
Current mood: Sore
Category: Sore Sports

So, I'm working out at least three nights a week.  Have been for two months now.  I must say I'm seeing definitive results, having lost between 10 and 15 pounds (depending on the scale), dropped from a 38 to a 34 waist, and regaining my well-developed upper body.

But you all don't really care about that.  You want to know why I used a "taint" in my title.

I got talked into doing a spinning class today.  For those of you in the know, you can stop reading here because you've all been where I am now.  For those of you who don't, "spinning" is a long, drawn-out torture session on a bike... set to music!  It's a hell of a fucking workout.

Problem is, bouncing up and down on that fucking bicycle seat made me feel like a fag with a drunken prom date.  My taint is bruised and batered and sore and... well, I just showed it to Sarah and she says it's red.  Happy you kept reading?

Next time I do a class like that, I will velcro a pillow to the bike seat.

On a lighter note, if reincarnation does truly happen, I'd like to make the formal request to come back as Megan Fox's bicycle seat.

Good day.

5:23 PM - 29 Comments - 28 Kudos - Add Comment

People at Wal-Mart are uptight anuses...
Category: Parties and Nightlife

I have a new favorite past time.  Well, it's not actually new... some of you may have read about it in my blog about Wal-Martians.  But I have a new form of it.  And it rocks.

I take the little booger with me and we pick a store to terrorize.  We hit Target a few weeks ago.  Then we hit Wal-Mart.  But tonight we shot for the golden ring... I loaded the little squirt up with sugar and we headed off to Super Wal-Mart.

When we attack these stores, there are only a few rules.  First, he can't go running off out of sight.  Second, there is no screaming.  Thirdly, there can be no engaging innocent bystanders.  Fourthly, and perhaps most importantly, he has to respect when I say, "Enough.  Settle Down."

Other than that, anything goes.

Tonight, our shenannigans consisted of:

-Playing XBox 360 and PS3.

-Pelting each other with bouncy balls.

-getting into fisticuffs with Hulk fists.

-riding bikes up and down the aisles.

-collapsing the entirety of the bedding aisle down on his head.

-doing "The Robot" in the toy aisle each time we passed the Transformers.

-locking him in the bathroom after I took a dump.

-him opening the door over and over on me while I was plopping said deuce.

-running up and down the shoe aisles.  without shoes.

-calling Hannah Montana posters gay.

-calling Pokemon posters cool.

-running through the women's section with the boy on my back.

Apparently, though, they lady roaming the toy section alerted the fuzz on us.  "The fuzz" being the other Wal-Martian doucherods who kept eyeballing us the rest of the night.  Like the gimpy hag who asked us where we got the bike he was riding.

It was all I could do not to spout the "From up your fucking limping saggy ass!" that popped across my mind in front of the little one.

So I dropped the damned bike right in front of her feet.

And chased the little booger into the pharmacy, cackling with maniacal laughter.

3:54 AM - 69 Comments - 44 Kudos - Add Comment

Hot Lesbian Action!!!
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

Click Here to get Some Interesting Lesbian Perspective from Yours Truly!!!  (You might even get to donkey punch Rosie O'Donnell)

This is my first foray into writing for the ladies of Eve-101, so go support me.  Like an athletic supporter.

9:46 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos

A "lengthy" discovery...
Current mood: Chillaxin’
Category: Chillaxin’ Sports

Sorry I've been absent.  I'll have my mommy write me a note.  I'm back, though, and I have a nice little story for you all.

I've been hitting the gym pretty regularly for about the last month-and-a-half in a serious effort to get myself back into the shape I was when I first assaul.. er, met... Sarah.  The sad fact of the matter is that I was no longer fitting into my cool clothes, and I was getting tired of buying a new pair of pants every time I had to go out.

I am well on my way.

In fact, I have gotten to the point where my scrubs are starting to look like I swiped them off of the set of Disorderlies.  If you're not familiar with that film, you're probably too fucking young to be reading my blogs.  It's almost like I'm making a fashion statement and trying to bring back the MC Hammer parachute pants.

Anywho, the discovery I made was that there are certain benefits to be had by working out.  And by manscaping.  I was in the shower today and was taking care of "the parts" when I made an observation.  I had gained about an inch.  It's always been there, but the recent weight loss has exposed more of the base of him.

Lucky Sarah... there's less of me to love but more of me for the lovin'.

I may need to bring the parachute pants back... just to hide my swingin' johnson.

Funny thing is, I bet the second Sarah reads this, she'll be running into the bathroom to see if I left hair in the tub.

(Keep your eyes out for posts by the both of us on Eve-101.com)

Currently listening : Hooray for Boobies By The Bloodhound Gang Release date: 2000-02-29

3:38 AM - 58 Comments - 52 Kudos - Add Comment

Profound thoughts from a profound peni... err, mind.
Current mood: aroused
Category: Life

When I turned thirty, my father shared a funny thought with me.  He said that there are 3 die-hard rules to follow when aging.  First, never pass a bathroom.  Second, never trust a fart.  And third, never waste an erection.  It is that last rule that I wish to expound upon with you all.

Robin Williams quipped, "God gave man a penis and a brain, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

I can’t wait until I can escape the perpetual erection that has plagued me since I was 12.  According to Robin Williams, I haven’t been able to think since I was 12.  Frightening, eh?

Funny thing is, this starts from the instant we wake up in the morning and lasts until we pass out at night.  The first goddamned thing a man notices in the morning is the rock-hard woodrow pitching a tent in his covers.  This is why we men are so fond of morning sex... not necessarily because we’re horny, but because we want some goddamned clarity for the rest of the day.  We don’t want to be distracted by the stirring in our pants all day long.

Once we have this morning bang-bang-bang, everything is wonderful.  Nothing, no matter how terrible, can fuck up our day.  How could it?  You’ve already been laid!  Late to work?  Fuck it.  Car wreck?  Fuck it.  Lost your wallet?  Fuck it!!!  You’ve gotten laid!  You have the ability to put all of that in it’s proper perspective since your dick is no longer interfering with your thought process!

Imagine if that erection no longer popped up first thing in the morning?  You wouldn’t have to wake up your wife for the morning poonanny.  You could have instant nirvana from when you woke up until you retired.

Aside from that, you could actualy go to a strip club and leave after one drink.

You could go to a football game and not be distracted by the cheerleaders.

You could reach the point where I have reached... when the food you are about to eat makes you more excited than the hot little waitress that brought it to your table!

I can still trust my farts, though.  For the most part.

Currently watching : Biloxi Blues Release date: 27 January, 2004

8:31 PM - 75 Comments - 60 Kudos - Add Comment

Stories from our past
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

I was watching the Transformers Movie with the little one when I came to realize something.  Movies today suck.

In the vein of this toy blog, I have decided that my generation had the last of the great movies.  In general, the movies of my youth and adolescence were so much better than those today.  So much more, in fact, that they seem to be redoing them all now.  Transformers, Knight Rider (on TV), the Batman and Superman remakes.  Hell, I can’t remember the last time I saw a horror movie with some semblane of original plot or premise.

Am I wrong?

I used to be a movie bug, going to the theater all the time.  Nowadays, there’s very few flicks that seem to blow up my skirt enough to motivate me to go to the theaters... let alone for double the price of what I paid as a teenager.

Maybe I am becoming an old fart.  Maybe I’m focusing more on the emotional responses that were incident to seeing those movies for the first time.  Perhaps all movies of any age are similar, wearing dull the sheen of all the achetypes possible.  Shit, maybe my parents would have said the same thing about the flicks I hold dear.

Regardless of all of this, as after seeing the end of Transformers, I busted out the old, animated version (from 1986).  He loved it.

My old fogey flicks won.

Currently watching : G.I. Joe: The Movie Release date: 20 June, 2000

8:15 PM - 50 Comments - 32 Kudos - Add Comment

Wow. Today I am old.
Category: Life

At 6:08 pm on March 12, 1978, I was ejected from the womb.  This makes me thirty, for all of you non-math majors.

It’s all downhill from here.

Thanks to everyone that left birthday comments.  To all of you that didn’t, you have the opportunity now. (hint, hint!)

4:25 PM - 60 Comments - 53 Kudos - Add Comment

Famous lines omiited in the rough drafts of literary masterpieces
Current mood: Goofy
Category: Goofy Writing and Poetry

'Tis better to have loved and lost than to have been whacked in the nads with a nine-iron.

Something is rotten in the state of my ass.

Out!  Out, damned Fido!

Romeo, Romeo. Wherefore art thou whacking it outside my window?

Call me Alouicious.

Once upon a rancid, stinky fart...

It was the best of times.  It was the worst fucking hangover imagineable.

One may smile and smile, yet still be a cocksucker.

Their eyes were watching the fat stripper with the beer bottle in her ass.  (A title rejected by Zora Neale Hurston)

How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, will invariably bite you in the ass?

Frankly, my dear, I don't fucking give a shit.

Got any you'd like to add?  Throw them into the comments and let's have some fun!!!

Currently reading : Lehninger Principles of Biochemistry, Fourth Edition By David L. Nelson Release date: 23 April, 2004

5:09 PM - 70 Comments - 39 Kudos - Add Comment

It’s still coming...
Category: Blogging

2 More Days.

Get the opportunity of a lifetime... to laugh at me.

Click here to get youtself refreshed on the story.  Be sure to follow the links.

3:56 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos

3 More Days...
Category: Blogging

It is returning... 

Tune in...

Read it Friday.

Click here to refresh yourselves

5:33 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos