So, I think its been an accumulation of things...I don't feel like myself anymore and I don't feel like I know what to do or where to go from here...I wasn't happy when I was away at school and I know I was depressed. I decided to make the radical decision to go to Texas thinking the change would do me good and make me happier. I just feel like I lost myself more when I got there...reverted to that quiet, uncertain, afraid person I was in High School. I fell out of touch with myself and I find myself just doing things now without really knowing why...Trying to find myself again I suppose. I know I need to go back to school but I'm not really sure that I want to...I hated how depressed I was when I was there...But I know that I was also becoming overwhelmed and unhappy with my job in Reno about the time I decided to quit and go back to school. Right now I don't know where to go or what to do... I feel lost. I feel myself starting to get depressed again and I know the difference now...I miss feeling like I relate to my friends. I don't even find myself interesting anymore. Its the whole of things I suppose. I hate my job and the last job I had and I feel like its not good enough for me and it makes me less of a real person. I hate that I never have money and everytime I go anywhere or do anything its at someone else's expense. I can't stand it. I feel like I knew when I was myself because I was fun and I always wanted to be out and around people or doing something. For the past year I have been just staying in because I don't want to be a burden to someone else and I personally don't feel my best. I work a crap job, I'm living with my mom, I'm behind on my bills, and I have nothing...I think the realization of what my past few relationships were more than my just flat out anger about them have played a big part in my current slump. I checked my weight the other day at my Aunts house and it hasn't changed in practically the past four years...but somehow I feel like I'm fatter and more unattractive. I know that this is because my past couple boyfriends told me I need to lose weight to be more attractive. I know that I was never unhappy with myself before, so why now?Why is it getting to me now and why am I letting it?
I found this online and I loved it, so I put it up for everyone to read
We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire. The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D Souza. He said, "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life." This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time...and remember that time waits for no one. So stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die, until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy...
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
Thought for the day: "Work like you don't need money, Love like you've never been hurt, And dance like no one's watching."
I stare into the evening sky sprinkled and glistening a blanket of dark blue I try for a moment to count the stars there are too many and soon I am lost my eyes fall to the water a mirror to the soul of each star little keys unlocking memories of you hidden under each ripple they knew where to find you it takes my breath away they have found your music in this distorted dance calmly they float, then swirl with each wave they rush to meet me and cling to the sand at my feet but must retreat each time for the water is merely a mirror and the images a reflection of the secret unknown In it I see images of you I wish you were here now do you wish the same I am lost in a sea of thoughts a wave of emotions at peace watching the dancing of souls the push of the wind on my back brings me back to my senses but the water calls tempting me to jump to get lost again in you
OMG I am soooo happy and excited!! Eeep! OMG you know that feeling you get, butterflies and light headedness and all the good stuff that goes with having a BIG Crush on someone!!!?!!! I've been like that for most of the day so far, and omg it is such a good feeling!!! I can't wait to see Jacoby again! I know I'm not actually gonna get with him or anything, but crushes omg! they make you all giggly and fluttery and it such a yummy good feeling! I just can't wait to see him! Eeep! Just to look at him and bask in his awesomeness! Why aren't guys that hot in real life? I need a rockstar boyfriend! Then I would feel this good and have this feeling to look forward to everyday! OMG I am like Aargh! so excited!
I don't want to be the filler if the void is solely yours I don't want to be your glass of single malt whiskey Hidden in the bottom drawer I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine Lend me some fresh air I don't want to be adored for what I merely represent to you I don't want to be your babysitter You're a very big boy now I don't want to be your mother I didn't carry you in my womb for nine months Show me the back door
Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6 Well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and oh Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor
I don't want to be the sweeper of the egg shells that you walk upon And I don't want to be your other half, I believe that 1 and 1 make 2 I don't want to be your food or the light from the fridge on your face At midnight, hey What are you hungry for I don't want to be the glue that holds your pieces together I don't want to be your idol See this pedestal is high and I'm afraid of heights I don't want to be lived through A vicarious occasion Please open the window
Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6 Well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and oh Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor
I don't want to live on someday when my motto is last week I don't want to be responsible for your fractured heart And it's wounded beat I don't want to be a substitute for the smoke you've been inhaling What do you thank me What do you thank me for
Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6 Well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and oh Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor
~Alanis Morissette
Currently
listening
:
Jagged Little Pill
By
Alanis Morissette
Release date: 13 June, 1995
I got to thinking about it and there is really no one I can see spending the rest of my life with at this point in time and I feel like its really never gonna happen for me...I'm a girl what can I say, I think about these things...I can't bring myself to even commit to anyone...I like someone at school, and I think he might possibly like me, and I like that...there is no actual relationship...I like this crush thingy...I thought about it turning into more and tho I should want that with someone I like in that way, I really don't want to push it in that direction...I don't want to be attached...I think I've become far too fond of my independence and freedom...I suppose not every man is out to control me and take all my money...I suppose I just worry that they are all gonna have a complete personality flip once they have me and things don't go their way...I like giving in, and am happy doing pretty much whatever, but I don't want that to get me put in second place again either...I don't mind sex and dating...I just honestly don't feel like a relationship is right for me right now and maybe ever...The whole subject is tired
I got a very scary call yesterday saying that my mom was in a very serious car accident. I thought the worst and rushed down from Incline to Yerington. My mom was ok, a few cuts and bruises, but ok. She is very sore now though. I got to the hospital and she was strapped to a portable stretcher, she looked awful. Her car looked even worse. The car is pretty much totaled, she rolled it two times into a ditch and the car slid upside down hitting the metal pieces in the ditch and pretty much impaling her car. She hung upside down for an hour only held in by her seat belt and they had to use the jaws of life to get her out. I was completely shocked that she was almost completely unhurt. I am very glad though. The way the accident happened and what the car looks like, I dunno, it seems like a freaking miracle or something...a bit weird that it happened almost exactly a year from when mine happened too...
Autumn, Gray skies Sad blue peeking through Where is the sun, its colder now And the wind scratches at my limbs Finding every crevasse The invisible fiend chips away at me And my pieces swirl and take flight Finding a new place to rest, at least for the night The empty echo of whistles mock me My individuality Never shall be known For my roots hold me fast to the ground They just keep digging And I sink in I can't hold on... My pieces are gone But I am here Here to stay
moody
contemplative
excited