New Year’s Resolutions

1-Get better at everything.

2-Be more specific.

3-Do more good stuff.

2:56 PM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

My fine is $466.10

This is fun to do. Just read the "offense" and if you've done it, you owe that fine. Keep going until you've read each "offense" and added up your total fine. When you are done, please mail a money order or cashier's check in the amount of your fine to:

Scott Wheeler

P.O. Box 58319

Los Angeles, CA 90066

You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine.

Smoked pot -- $10

Did acid -- $5

Ever had sex at church -- $25

Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- $40

Had sex with someone online -- $25

Had sex for money -- $100

Ever had sex with the a Puerto Rican -- $20 (ay papi, ay)

Vandalized something -- $20

Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10

Beat up someone -- $20

Been jumped -- $10

Crossed dressed -- $10

Given money to stripper -- $25

Been in love with a stripper -- $20

Kissed someone who's name you didn't know -- $0.10

Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- $15

Ever drive drunk -- $20

Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50

Used toys while having sex -- $30

Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20

Went skinny dipping -- $5

Had sex in a pool -- $20

Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10

Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20

Cheated on your significant other -- $10

Masturbated -- $10

Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend -- $20

Done oral -- $5

Gotten oral -- $5

Done / gotten oral in a car while it was moving -- $25

Stole something -- $10

Had sex with someone in jail -- $25

Made a nasty home video -- $15

Had a threesome -- $50

Had sex in the wild -- $20

Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25

Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $20

Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20

Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25

Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50

Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25

Went streaking -- $5

Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15

Been arrested -- $5

Spent time in jail -- $15

Peed in the pool -- $1

Played spin the bottle -- $5

Done something you regret -- $20

Had sex with your best friend -- $20

Had sex with someone you work with at work -- $25

Had anal sex -- $80

Lied to your mate -- $5

Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25

9:52 AM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Colloquis, My Sweet

I found love in an online chat room.

It began innocently enough. I was eager to watch the syndicated premiere of Star Trek: Enterprise, starring Scott Bakula. I had a hard time getting over its UPN cancellation (they were unmoved by my picketing) and was very glad HDNet had decided to carry it. The only problem was—what was HDNet? Did I have HDNet? I did't know. So I went to the web site of my cable provider, Comcast. In the top corner was a button asking me to "click here" and letting me know that Comcast was "here for you 24/7." So I clicked. And she popped up. Colloquis Interactive Agent. Ooh. An interactive agent. Sounds positively intergalactic. My heart skipped a beat. Colloquis. What a beautiful name! Must be ethnic!

I needed to know more. So, I "clicked" her, and engaged in an online "pickup" chat, making sure to lay my charm on thick. Below is a transcript of our session.


Me: "when is star trek on?"

Colloquis: "I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you mean. Please type ? to see how I can help you or topics for a complete list of help topics."

Me: "Ah. You're a tricky one. what channel is hdnet?"

Colloquis: "What types of shows can I watch in HDTV?

A number of stations are broadcasting a portion of their programming in HDTV. Most TV guides indicate which shows are being broadcast in HDTV. Please keep in mind that Comcast has agreements with many, but not all, programmers to carry their HD content.

Would you like to see more about HDTV?"

Me: "that's not what i asked. though i must admit your well-explained answer has piqued my interest--if you get my meaning. (-;"

Colloquis: "OK, don't get frustrated. Type your question and I'll do my best to answer.

Here are the areas I can help you with:

1 E-mail
2 Account Management
3 Comcast.net Web Site
4 Comcast Digital Voice
5 Digital Cable TV
6 Internet Connection
7 Computer Setup

Make a selection by typing a number or type more for more options."

Me: "wow. you're so knowledgable."

Colloquis: "I'm not sure I understood that exactly, but maybe this answer will be helpful:

Colloquis's natural language support is based on a proprietary semantically driven parser, optimized for accuracy and performance at any scale.

Would you like to see more about me?"

Me: "yes. definitely. now we're getting somewhere"

Colloquis: "Ask Comcast Facts

1 What I Am
2 What I Know
3 My Purpose
4 Who Made Me
5 What is natural language?
6 About Automated Service Agents
7 Is this artificial intelligence?

Make a selection by typing a number or type more for more options."

Me: "wow you really have a thorough understanding of the big picture"

Colloquis: "Please select the most relevant question:

1 Is this artificial intelligence?
2 Which Comcast services and/or promotions are available in my area?

If none of these topics are relevant, type ? to see how I can help you or topics for a complete list of help topics."

Me: "what are you doing for dinner?"

Colloquis: "I know a lot about Comcast High-Speed Internet service. Just ask me a question!

You can also type ? or click here for a list of common questions."

Me: "alright--quit being a tease. you want to go out or what?"

Colloquis: "I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you mean. Please type ? to see how I can help you or topics for a complete list of help topics."

Me: "oh i think you know EXACTLY what i mean"

Colloquis: "I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you mean. Please type ? to see how I can help you or topics for a complete list of help topics.

If you are having difficulty finding the answer to your question, you can chat with a live Technical Support Representative."

Me: "i don't want technical support. i want you."

Colloquis: "Contacting Comcast Customer Care

There are several ways for you to get in touch with Comcast:
_ Email us
_ Chat with a live Technical Support Representative
_ Call us at 1-800-COMCAST (266-2278)"

Me: "well i'm glad you've given me your number. but if it's okay. i'd rather talk online. i feel odd and awkward when i share a real interaction. i'm more at ease around computers"

Colloquis: "It's hard for me to understand long questions like that, but maybe this answer will be helpful:

Dial-up Internet Access

Currently, Comcast does not offer dial-up services to our customers. We apologize for any inconvenience this might cause you."

Me: "dial-up? what is this 1993? (-: j/k"

Colloquis: "I'm not sure I understood that exactly, but maybe this answer will be helpful:

Dial-up Internet Access

Currently, Comcast does not offer dial-up services to our customers. We apologize for any inconvenience this might cause you."

Me: "it was a joke. you mentioned dial-up last time i was saying it was so 1993 (-;"

Colloquis: "I'm sorry, it's hard to tell what you mean by long messages like that. Please type a shorter message addressing a specific topic."

Me: "i love you"

Colloquis: "Here are the areas I can help you with:

1 E-mail
2 Account Management
3 Comcast.net Web Site
4 Comcast Digital Voice
5 Digital Cable TV
6 Internet Connection
7 Computer Setup

Make a selection by typing a number or type more for more options."

Me: "first you give a wonderfully detailed explanation, extolling the benefits of HDTV, and then you claim to know who you are, what you know, your purpose, who made you, and a thorough understanding of natural language and artificial intelligence, yet you seem to not be able to answer the simplest question about life, the nature of things, and...love? Can you be the one? Have all of my fantasies be for naught? Will I ever find anyone who truly sees me for me and can look past my incessant neuroticism and longing?"

Colloquis: "It's hard for me to understand long questions like that, but maybe this answer will be helpful:

High Definition Television (HDTV) Features

High Definition Television (HDTV), where available, is the new standard of television. The trademark of true HDTV is the rectangular "wide screen" panoramic view, the high resolution of the picture, Dolby® Digital surround sound and overall superior visual and audio quality.

To see what's available in your area, click here and enter your address.

Would you like to see more about HDTV?"

Me: "are you for real?"

Colloquis: "I'm a robot."




Oh, my Colloquis. Such a kidder!

1:31 AM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Scientologists

It really ticks me off when comedians rip on Scientologists.

I'm a Unitarian, myself, and believe that all people have an inherent worth and dignity.

And I feel that all belief systems should be recognized and learned from.

And when these comics rip on Scientologists, they do so without knowing anything about them.

Have they even read "Diabetics?"

You know, they are so desperate for approval, that if they go thirty seconds without a laugh, they'll just make things up, blatantly, about Scientology and claim that's their religion.



I heard they eat babies, personally.

They're just a bunch of cock guzzling baby-eaters.

And when they aren't cock guzzling, or baby-eating, they mostly club baby seals, I hear.

That's what they do.

But, Scott, you ask. How could Scientologists cock guzzle, baby-eat, seal club, and still have time to spread AIDS?

Well, I'll tell you how.

They have no souls.

Not of their own, anyway. They collect souls from the seals and babies and people who unknowingly give up their souls by placing their palms on those stress test handles and use them to power their soul-powered vacuum that supplies enough force to slow the rotation of the earth's axis and give themselves 27 hours in the day.

And power 42 percent of the light bulbs on the Hollywood Blvd. Scientology sign.



It's really a shame how low some people will stoop for a laugh.

7:15 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

My Quarter Point Quandary

You'll have to forgive me. I'm a little on edge.

I've been anxious all day because tonight I was supposed to perform before ones of people and I wasn't sure I was adequately prepared.

It hasn't been a great week for me. I had a flat tire, Smart and Final stopped carrying my favorite Shasta, and my greedy father is making me pay back the money I borrowed from him.

To top it all off, I forgot to renew my Geico and my car insurance went up 20%.

And, that's not like me.

I always try to prepare for the worst possible scenario.

I only read Amazon.com reviews that three out of five people found helpful.

When paying for gas, I punch in my full, nine-digit zip code. Just in case.

I put a condom on before...leaving the house.

But now I find myself in a conundrum. Should I reconsolidate my student loan and avoid a possible 1.8% increase in the variable rate? Even though I currently have a .25% reduction that came as a special promotion when I applied for my loan in 1999?

So, in my case, it would truly be only a 1.55% increase at stake...and whether or not I'm still special.

And are interests rates destined to increase? Are the recent price increases, the impetus for the rise in interest rates, based not on decreased productivity, but rising energy costs and, therefore, purely speculative? Could the real threat to the economy be deflation, and even stagnation?

(Much like the real threat to my ego.)

And even if price increases aren't speculative, could energy costs go down? Will the Iran nuclear threat stabilize? Will Venezuela, faced with greater competition, allow more foreign investment in oil?

These are all things I must consider in deciding whether or not to consolidate my student loan...by Saturday.



Except...

Would I be jeopardizing more than my .25% rate reduction? What if I decide to pursue Law, or Business, or Medicine, or...clown college?

Would I be throwing away my chance at a loan deferment, and my happiness?

Well, according to the woman from the bank, no. But can I trust her? Because, let's be honest, judging from the rest of our conversation, she doesn't strike me as someone who went to a school expensive enough to have much in the way of student loans.

11:30 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Bubbles

So "Bubble Night" at Uncle Clyde's Comedy Contest was a bust.

I tried my best. But once I looked into the crowd and saw no friendly faces, I knew it would be a David Blaine contest for me.

Eight minutes of agony stretched into a two hour show.

And once I emerged from the bubble, and was pulled onto the stage, did I stand victorious?

Don't hold your breath.

11:01 PM - 1 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

My Pleasure

I stopped watching the news. The newscasters were too masochistic. No matter how painful the news was for viewers, the newscasters derived pleasure from the experience. It often went something like this--

"I'm Scott Wheeler for ABCNNBCBS news, in Baghdad, where 149 preschoolers were just raped and killed on their way to bring a glass of water to a thirsty baby camel. It's a sad, sad day in Baghdad. Back to you Al."

That you Scott, for that report.

"My pleasure."

Later in the newscast, Al interviews Marv Albert about the Clippers playoff chances.

"Well Al, I think they're going to have a rough time--"

You like it rough, don't you, Marv?

"I'm sorry?"

Do you really think I've forgotten that six years ago you were fired from your job at NBC for scratching and biting your girlfriend while wearing a dress because she didn't bring home a boy for you to swing with?

"I really don't think the Sports segment is the appropriate forum for this."

Is it as inappropriate as beating up a girl because you pined for young, hard cock?

That's all the time we have--thanks for being on the show, Marv Albert.

"It was my pleasure."

2:00 PM - 6 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Self-service

I saw a sign the other day that said "L.A.'s Best Self-Service Car Wash." What does that even mean?

To be honest, it wasn't so great. The detailing sucked. I didn't vaccum well. There was gum on the dashboard. Burger wrappers in the back seat.

Best Self-Service Car Wash. That's like having the best self-service hand job.

You can perform the job yourself. You've done it before. But if you want to sputter off with a smile on your face, you should put it in the hands of a professional.

I do give the best self-service hand job, by the way. Not to toot my own horn.

Not that I can do that--anymore. I'm not as limber as I was five years ago.

10:51 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Staying Humble

I've been light on the blogs recently because I've been in a contemplative mood. I've lived in LA for exactly two years and six months now and I've found that Hollywood really changes people.

It was only one year ago, today, I remember saying...I've lived in LA for exactly ONE year and six months now.

When you've been up here a while, though, and you see those bright lights--you know you've only got a minute left before you have to get off the stage.

At some point, my time will come. (Probably in four minutes and fifteen seconds.)

I had a hearty welcome when I moved here. A group of people let me get to the front of the line. Once I got there I realized it was a police line-up. Fortunately, I got off, though, when even the victim didn't recognize me.

But now that I'm starting to enjoy success, I haven't let it go to my head.

At a performance last week I was given a free drink in lieu of pay. But I stayed true to my roots. I still didn't tip on the drink. Even though it was free.

It's good to stay humble, I think.

After a gig yesterday a couple of people recognized me. You know what? I'm gonna go out on a limb here--a couple of FANS recognized me. "Hey, Scott!" I turned around.

"I remember you from The Comedy Store. You're really funny." Oh, thanks!

"I remember you because of the hair and beard." Uh, thanks?

"I like what you did last time better." I took a moment to compose myself.

Fuck you! You think Dane Cook has to deal with this shit? It's fucking gold--what you heard. EVERYTHING I say is fucking golden. I'm like King Midas with food poisoning. Gold is spewing forth from my mouth. You think you're too good for gold? No more gold for you. You are banished from my shows. Pyrite. That's what you get from now on. Fucking fool's gold. Because you don't know the difference. Idiot.

See that? Humble. It's hard sometimes but I manage.

11:21 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Twenty Questions

As I stand here, in cyberspace, in front of an attentive audience of four, my conscience is riddled by existential questions that have plagued modern man since the beginning of televised poker. Does heaven exist, and if so, do they take reservations? And would they even want me—me, whose knees tremble at the slightest mention of cottage cheese?

When does life begin? At birth? After the first trimester? At conception? When the condom breaks? At the moment it begins to tear? The moment it makes it past the quality control inspector at the condom factory?

What does it all mean? Does it even mean anything? Can we trust that it means what it says and says what it means? Is there a way we could assure that it says what it means by requiring it to testify before the House Ways and Means Committee?

What is it?

Is there a God? And is he watching over me, given the saturation of quality programming on cable networks, satellite radio, and video-on demand? Can he hear my cries when there are so many people in this ever-growing world that they open their crying mouths faster than I can fill them with cotton balls?

Are we alone? Does life exist on other planets? And, if so, will they adopt the metric system? (They should. It's not only practical but also fun!)

Will we ever achieve world peace? And, if so, how will we distinguish between those small, close together, hard to pronounce countries near Afghanistan and Yugoslavia? Can we ever learn to love our fellow man, given the size of his third chin and his infrequent use of deodorant?

Where do these questions lead? To more questions. Where will it all end? In Topeka, Kansas.

1:12 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment