To My New Orleans People part ll

That show at La nuit is on sat Dec 29th @ 9PM. NYC is so rugged that i don't even have time for important details. Just so we're on the same page

Saturday Dec 29th. La Nuit Comedy Theater (2301 Soniat corner Freret). 9PM.

Zachary Sims, Neal Stastny, Sean Patton.

This show will Stimulate your sense of humor's G spot until your face twat creams an ocean of laughter. Happy Holidays! 

2:24 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

To My New Orleans People

So it's been a minute but here I am blogging.

Dear NOLA friends,

I know, I know: I haven't returned calls. I've barely replied to emails and as far as myspace messaging is concerned; I'm a shit for brains face. So why are you reading my blog? Because you understand that NYC is the toughest place on the continent and all of my time is devoted to staying alive. I barely have time to sleep. You know I don't choose to blow anyone off. You can appreciate what I am putting myself through to be that good of a Comedian. To entertain YOU. There, feel better?

So come and see what I've been up to for the past year of my life. I'm performing, along with Zachary Sims and Neal Stastny (two other NYC Comedians who don't deserve any shit because they too are busy honing their craft and pushing the boundaries of their talent for YOU)), at La Nuit Comedy theater (2301 Soniat. Corner of Freret) at 9PM.

This show will buttfuck your funnybone until it blows it's load. Merry Christmas!

2:10 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

last week of this job part 1

this is my last week as an employee of a coffee shop. this friday is my last day. only three days left. i am simulaniously exited and afraid for the regular customers. If the next 3 shifts, the next 21 hours on the clock are anything like the last 5 months of employment, i will probably crack nasty mad. if that happens, here is a possible Headlines you will read on sat sept 1st

COFFEE SHOP EMPLOYEE FLIPS OUT
Today in downtown Manhattan a coffe shop employee subjected customers to a most disturbing demonstration. During the morning rush the employee walked from behind the counter and declared to the never ending line of mornig regulars, "This is what you f@ckers have done to my soul!" He then removed his pants and dipped his own testicles into a large cup of piping hot coffee. His scream was so loud that a group of toursists outside of the establishment - Manon Cafe' 74 Trinity Place - ran for the nearest subway entrance. One of the tourists - who asked not to be identified - said when asked why they ran for the subway, "We thought it was a tornado! it sounded just like an F5!"

The employee's identity is being withheld by athorities. He is currently at large.

more to come. lets see how the next few days go

7:29 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

daily haiku

some days i can win
most days i care not to win
but always i fart

7:26 PM - 2 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

daily haiku

today my asscrack
is a river of juices
the day is humid

10:17 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

daily haiku

life is full of tough
things that make you say "fuck this"
but you live on, right?

9:52 PM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

employment is key

i can't wait to flip shit bonkers on some lucky customer at me job. seriously, i spend most of my day choosing canditates and narrowing it down to who will be the winner of free nightmares inspired by all the cuss words i will spew while spilling all the coffee i will spill all over the floor of the coffee shop that i work in on wall street. yep, i work on wall street, in a coffee shop. unforunately, the only part of that statement that my mother hears is "yep, i work on wall street" and she mentally blocks out the "...at a coffee shop" part. anyway, so here are the top candidates

!) macciato man.
this fuck orders a double macciato, which is a double esspresso with a dash of foam. a dash only. yet he orders you to "fill it to the top of the cup with the foam, thank you". that makes it a cappucino, everybody knows that shit eyes! (everybody who works in a coffee shop anyway). why does he do this? he's to cheap to pay the extra 75 cents for the cappucino. well, i'm to cheap to warn you of the verbal barrage of expletive foam i plan on filling your head cup to the top of with.

@) not hot enough lady.
her coffee is never hot enough, yet she never discovers this when you serve it to her. she'll realize that her coffee isn't hot enough after sitting at a table talking on her blackberry to "clyde dear" -whoever that poor soul is. probably her only son whom she sold to botox gypsies for unlimited facial injections. after not touching her coffee for half an hour, she then realizes that her coffee is cold, so she'll wait till there at least 7 people in line before cuttig in and demanding a new coffee. this would only merit an extremely violent verbal bomb if she drank her coffee black, but she takes it "extra light with steamed half and half, an extra shot of eXpresso, and four splenda's", so for that, she will recieve fragments of my teeth wedged in her forehead from the extreme force in which i let her know how much of a waste of human flesh she is.

) mr. bowtie.
ever get the feeling that you're just an average pompus asshole?  feel as if your unwarranted insulting of coffee shop employees just aren't completely ruining the rest of their below the povery line days? looking for a way to really blow the blood vessels of everyone around you?  wear a bow tie!
fuck this guy. that's all

7:16 PM - 9 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

this is beyond stupid

i currently have 666 friends. now, i should be all "look who's semi popular! if i could hang out with all my myspace friends at the same time ALL the time, we would be an unstopable crew. we could stomp down the easier streets that most can walk on! we could crash ANY party, cause there are 666 of us...". however, due to my catholic upbringing, instead i'm all "oh no, 666 friends? the mark of the beast?! is my computer the devil?!", so do me a favor and make me your friend so i can stop quasi freaking out. i currently have friend requests from a dozen or so of those porn site fake girl myspacers, but i refuse to approve just one of them to end my current ridiculous dilemma, because them bitches are certainly the devil. 

11:12 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

"Just like Jesse James!" - Cher

just so you know, i'm still alive-ish, so stop calling me so much that my phone ignores your calls, which is the only explanation for why i haven't heard from anyone in a while. man, do i live in the ghetto; right on the outskirts of Gentrificationburg, Brooklyn, aka Bushwick. (no 'Ghetto Boys' fans, bushwick bill is from jamaica) since the weather's been nice, the block that i live on turns into the bi-annual "how many Puerto Ricans can fit on the doorsteps contest" festival. I have so many choices when it comes to dining in Bushwick, as long as i remain a person who considers 2 choices to be a lot. Chinese or Lebanese, and being a patron of either is done with very little actual'ease'.

Lebanese (middle eastern) dining experience summarization: 

"you want fellafel? to bad because you're getting a gyro".
"but i ordered fellafel."
"oh, we're sorry, here's some extra pita bread, that should make up for the lack of fellafel - that you ordered - in that gyro that we gave you instead. come back tomorrow and order a gyro and we'll give you a "ballentine's" 40oz bottle full of hummus instead."

Chinese (china) dining experience summarization:

order whatever you want off of our rediculously large menu and we'll make it with the quickness and we won't spare any amount of quality. you can sit in our - when compared to our unnecessarily gigantic menu - microscopic dining area and listen to "rump shaker" by "wrexineffex" that we will play on repeat for you while you smell your delicious food being expertly prepared. then, in a matter of light seconds, we will somehow, even though you're the only person who's placed an order with us in 3 hours, give your order to our delivery guy and send him off to an address that we pulled out of a phone call that happened last year with your food that you've waited for 45 minutes to eat.  you'll really work up that appetite tracking down the delivery guy, since we'll permanently misplace the address, and each of our employees will give you a different one from memory because why learn proper english when you can take chinese dilaect and make up your own form of english. refund? what's that translate to in "engtonese" or "mandaringlish"? we don't know either! enjoy!

this weekend past was pleasant out and NYC turned into a theme park. New Yorkers love to include complete strangers in their conversations. I was walking down in the village and two "gentlemenly" aka "born and raised inside the jersey tunnel" types were walking toward me having a heated discussion. as they passed me, one of them turned to me and said "hey, you would never fuckin' wear pink and fuckin' yellow together, right?". the truth is, i probably would because i'm color blind, like all poor people, but i replied "uh, no". i then realized that one of the fucking knuckleheads was actually wearing a pink shirt with yellow sneakers that meshed well with the teardrop tattoes on his face. The represenative then said "see, nobody fuckin' wears fuckin' pink and fuckin' yellow together, except faggots" he then addresses me again " you fuckin' hate faggots, right?"
for some reason, this was the only response i could muster: "do what you gotta do". I then proceded to recieve a pretend phone call.

11:31 AM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

N.Y.C, Now You're Cool?!

so. where are the good places to get stage time in New York? like, where are the rooms that aren't filled with comics who think repeating words like "cunt" and "retard" and phrases like "fuck queens" are all it takes to make things funny? all due respect to all the cunts and retards and the city of queens, but your punchline credit is all used up. Everything here is cerebral and intimidating and beautiful and well lubricated on many levels, so should the comedy be. This is New York, either the 2nd largest or the largest "scene" o' comedy in the world. there has to be a room or thirty that encourages comics to try  something aside from being "edgy". maybe a few that don't charge performers for stage time too, that would be sexy. i've found a few, but they require such things as references from A-list comedians and hipster credit to get anywhere near the stage. i know: "open mics suck in general man, so deal with it you retarded cunt from queens", yeah, i get it. if anyone, preferably someone  who's actually performed  and or  lived here, knows where i can go for that good ole' stage time, please respond. i'll ship you a gigantic slice of sicillian topped with fellafel in return. thank you in advance

1:15 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment