The All Seeing Eyeball??
Current mood: amused

I had to write about this because it was one of those moments that you witness and then laugh off and on for days afterwards.

I’m in the middle of potty training Jay and he’s doing pretty good so far.  He’ll actually get up in the middle of the night and go to the bathroom so we have the bed wetting thing conquered...BUT he extremely dislikes going poo in the potty.  So the other evening he went in his underwear-NOT a fun job.....to clean poop out of underwear.  So anyhoo, I was cleaning him up and he was laying down on the floor while I wiped him off and he reached down to the nether regions and grabbed the bean part of his "frank and beans."  Finally he asked "Mama, what is this in here?  Is that an eyeball in there?"  I was trying not to laugh because he gets pretty pissed if he asks a serious question and we think it’s funny.  So I was more shaking with laughter on the inside.  All I could say was "no honey it’s not an eyeball."  I braced myself for the next plausible question:  "what is it then?"  It, thank GOD, never came. 

1:50 AM - 4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

The Denial Continues....
Current mood: wanted

After a barrage of emails back an forth...which I PROMISED myself I’d never do again, I sent this to my mother and pulled the plug.  I’m sad and defeated that I couldn’t, once again, get through to her.  But I can only hope that maybe one day circumstances will change.  I wanted to give you an update after the many comments of support I received.  Thank you for them!

Dear Mom,

Honestly, I sit here and read all this and one thing occurs to me.  You don’t know me at all.  You’ve never known me. It makes me crazy that you refuse to see any redeeming qualities in me-but I’m coming to terms with it.   I  know that at this point there’s no use in trying to fix anything.  I should have quit at "yep you’re not ready" and moved on.  I just wanted to try to get some answers-I didn’t get many.  I’m ok with that.  If you even care -I want you to know that I have lots of friends and family that truly love me and know me.  My husband is extremely intelligent, funny, and witty and he’s known me every day for 7 years and still thinks I’m the cat’s pajamas.  That’s how I get my affirmation that I am worth something in this world.  Him and my kids give me so much and think so much of me-it fuels everything in me.  That’s the me today that worships at church, takes care of my family, works part time, and volunteers for charity.  That’s me-and that’s always been me.  Sorry you’ve never met her.

So that is that-back to our normal scheduled program.....

8:38 PM - 12 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Denial sometimes knows no bounds.
Current mood: disgusted
Category: Life

Sometimes this blog is an unloading ground for me.  Tonight it will be-because I can’t let things effect me in my day to day or my kids will pay for it.  So I talk to friends and family and write about it.  It’s all I can do at this point.

Growing up I didn’t exactly have a normal chilldhood-but it is what it is.  Every since I was old enough to leave the house and live somewhere else, I have had a very rocky relationship with my mother.  We’d go a year without speaking and then start talking again-with nothing resolved, it would come right back up within months.  After my daughter was born , I started realizing that these fights with her were about everything and nothing.  Having every little thing I ever did as a kid held over my head, being told I was stupid, a bad seed, and a terrible daughter....I had to cut ties with her permanently to keep my own mental health in check for my kids.  That’s when things escalated.  I found out she forwarded emails that we had been sending back in forth to other people in my life along with a letter that I was brain damaged from a car accident 15 years ago and she was worried for my well being.  It was like having your breath ripped out of you-I felt so betrayed.  I had kept all our coorespondance for two reasons:   1.  She had said she was going to sue me to get visitation rights for my kids, and I knew anyone in thier right mind who would read those emails would never give her her that right.  2.  I asked over and over and hoped she might take them and talk to a pastor or councelor.  I get an email out of the blue saying she’ll go see a councelor if I’d forward her all the emails since she lost them.  So I did.  That’s when the next day I saw what she had done.  It truly broke my heart-I cried for days off and on.  But it also gave me release.  I had known she was out there and had issues, but this was the first time I felt like there was a malicious intent.  It dawned on me that there is absolutely nothing I can do and nothing I can say to change this relationship.  It was a huge relief for me since I had gotten so wrapped up in responding to the accusations and throwing some back at her in hopes something will make her understand everything no matter how big or small I had done in the past:  from sneaking out to borrowing money and not paying her back.  I finally understood that I was just a kid, 17 years old or younger, and holding those things over my head and internalizing to something I did to HER and not just teenage silly actions-all that plus this email thing, made me see that there’s nothing I can say or do and the best thing for me is to just cut ties with her until there could be a day that things change.   That was three years ago.  This week I checked in with her after she sent me an email- to see if she’s changed, medicated, still the same.....it’s hard going through life with out your mother...but hard when they are alive, but too wrapped up in making sure they don’t take any responsibility for anything and heal, she hasn’t seen my daughter since she was a 1 year and never seen my son.  I got her response today-it’s all the same.  Refuses to even admit that she lied to me to get the emails and did it out of "concern" because of my bad memory.  Uhhhhh let’s call it like you sad it before-don’t down play.  You said I was brain damaged!  It makes me so mad how she would throw me under the bus to prove her delusional point.  All it did was disgust everyone who read it, that she could do that to her own daughter.  She has hardly seen me or really talked to me in years and these people know me and she expected them to beleive I was brain damaged??  And today I receive an email blaming me of course, then my father and her dead parents.  Anyone to take the focus off her. It just astounds me at what legnths she’s will to go to be the victim and right in everything.  My whole life that’s what she’s been about.  The judging, yelling, degrading, and then stands behind the screen of "God Bless You" I’m religious so I couldn’t possibly be doing something wrong, it’s everyone elses fault.  I just want to scream I’m so frustrated that I there’s nothing I can do to make her wake and see how sick all this is.  It’s really fucked up and I feel helpless.  It also scares the shit out of me that one day I’m going to wake up and a switch will turn on and I’ll become this.  I know things can run in the family....so what if I could do these things and force my own daughter to cut me off??  I just pray that if that happens I can have enough strength to get help. 

Thank you for the realease and gripe session.  I needed to just get this out there and be selfish and unload it to everyone else so I can wake up with a smile and take care of my family.

6:01 PM - 16 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

Recycling
Current mood: thankful
Category: Life

For some reason this past few weeks I’ve been reflecting how much my life has changed...which of course changes me.  Priorities,  intrests, even eating habits.  For anyone who didn’t know me before family & children, like any girl on her own-the world pretty much revolved around me.  My jobs, money, and friends were based on where I was going out that night, what I was wearing, and what was the cheapest thing to eat to save money for my nightlife.  I thrived on being social and on the top of the Dallas party chain.  And I was!  I’ve partied (as my job at the time) with some famous people-athletes, models, and actors.  It was good times.  I met my now husband we’d go out, then come to his appt where he had a full bar and just keep on partying because hey, we can sleep till 1pm if we’d like!  Good times, good times....

A few weeks back I was taking the kids to school and was listening to the radio and the jockeys were talking about how hungover they were and questioning why pizza places didn’t open early on this day.  I was trying to figure out what about this day was so special????  Then it dawned on me:  It was Hangover Day- the day after St. Patrick’s Day.  I broke out into this big grin because, 6 years ago I probably would have been calling in sick!  I mean I’m Scotch-Irish....I would be failing my bloodline if I didn’t get plowed that night right????  That’s when all my thoughts of changed started.  Remembering how much I went out and everything spontaneous and crazy I’ve done.  Today, those memories are great but I have no regrets changing my world rotation to revolve around my kids.  My biggest goal for St. patty’s Day was finding the perfect green outfit for my little Irish decendant for school, not me for the pub crawl.  I don’t think I even had an alcoholic beverage that day.  Didn’t even cross my mind.

Today, that decendant brought in some "gorgeous" weeds/flowers and wanted to put them in water.  I went into our bar stash and grabbed a double shot glass that was covered in dust.  Might as well recycle those things in with the changes right??  Now how do you recycle the full bar of liquor we’ve been stashing for 6 years up in the cabinet....

Tomorrow I take her to a bowling party and set the Easter Baskets out for a visit from the Bunny.  There will probably be no hangovers because there has to be candy monitoring early Sunday morning and I doubt I’m a good monitor hungover.....I love my Saturday nights just the way they are:  maybe one or two glasses of wine, a movie, and some internet prowling.  Waiting until I get to wake up and more revolving around my kids!

12:25 AM - 5 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Nature’s Beauty with a Side Order of Stench
Current mood: curious
Category: Life

How I love this time of year in Georgia!  Everything blooms, birds are everywhere, and the tempeture is perfect.  We sit out on our covered porch and play, grill and eat dinner, and sit out in the evenings and drink wine.  For a good month it’s not hot enough to sit out there.  Our neighborhood, on about 95% of the yards, is the same tree.  Right now it’s covered in white flowers.  The drive through the streets if SO beautiful!  BUT, the second you get out of your car the smell hits you....rotting fish.  How can such a beautiful flower give off the rank smell of dead fish?

The real fun begins when the blooms fall off the trees and start decaying on the ground....the rotting stench  gets 1000x worse.  You park in the garage and hold your breath until you get in the house.  Such a great reminder that even in nature thing might be beautiful on the outside-but can stink on the inside!

10:46 AM - 7 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

I Love
Current mood: grateful
Category: Romance and Relationships

I love that you always turn your tee shirts right side out before you put them in the dirty clothes.

I love the whimpers you make when you sleep.

I love that you always want to eat what I order.

I love that it only takes my slightest touch to make you stop snoring.

I love the look on your face when you test my music lyric skills-and I know every song.

I love how you love who I love.

I love watching you play basketball with our son.

I love how you play blastoff until you can't lift your own arms.

I love that we laugh, even at the most seductive times.

I love the movie theater you set up for me in our room.

I love that you listen to me even you think I'm kooky.

I love that you bought the best, safest car you can get for a family...and you take the train.

I love when you ask me if it's mine.

I love you!

6:27 PM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

The Flu that Just Keeps on Giving.
Current mood: lethargic
Category: Life

Hi I have the flu.  I've had it for 9 days now.  It's the Superfly of all flus.  The kingdaddy cheif flu and I've been graced with it invading my body.  For some who know me, you know I can be paranoid and out there in my thinking.....you're thinking->NOWAY!   (see?  paranoia.)  But when I was in the midst of this-it had me in it's grasp ...The Stand ran through my mind.  It was that bad.  I have never had a flu shot because in my paranoid mind the flu shot is going to make flu like Penicillian.  Turn it to something something we can't fathom.  Penecillian hardly works on us because we gave it out like gumballs the last 40 years (whether we needed it or not) and our kids are being born immune to it-now they have to make stronger batches...pretty soon it won't work at all. 

So therefore let's just get the flu the way it is and miss our week of work so then we move on with our life till next flu season.  Now the flu is so bad I can only think that it's going to contend with Bird Flu or The Plague.  I was in bed for 6 days straight, over 103 fever, on vicodin and naprosyn, shaking, hurting, and barely able to even get up for a pee break.  I am either getting older therefore not able to fight like I used to, or it's becoming evil.  Or both.

Speaking of getting old.  I couldn't remember how old I was the other day.  I had to log onto Myspace to see the display on my profile.  I thought for sure I was 32. 

I'm not afraid of getting old-I just don't want to do all the things I want to do in my life when I'm old.  I want to walk on the beach in Greece when I still have the body to do it....maybe topless if I'm feelin it......or not......but I want the option to if I so choose.  These boobs only have a good 10 more years before they turn National Geographic on me...or more than they already are from The Children.  There should be some government program for mothers- International Outreach.  You get to travel to some countries for a few weeks a year as a stay at home mom payment.  They say stay at home moms do enough work for 3 full-time jobs....but we don't get paid or even a decent tax break.  In Norway mothers are paid full time pay like everyone else.  IF you work you get a year maternity leave and all your medical for the whole family is paid for.  But your taxs are like 20%.  Can't say that that's such a bad deal if you think about it.  How much a year do we pay for time off or anything health related?  For some it would equal more then the 20% tax.  I've been trying to convince the hub to find a job there-he thinks I'm crazy.

Happy Valentines to everyone! 

12:17 AM - 7 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

On the 12th Day Mommy Passes Out
Current mood: exhausted

I get it now.....I get why my parents never enjoyed the holidays quite as much as I did. 

I was so exhausted last night, I passed out on the couch at 7pm and woke up an hour later covered in tissue paper the kids were throwing on me from the upstairs landing.  The house is a total mess, there are huge pots of rice and beans on the stove from making a dish for the MOMS Club Mexican Fiesta Christmas Party, balloons and birhtday presents from Mady's birthday party last week, Laundry on the couch from this weekend...still not done.  We had company for almost 2 weeks...... Christmas shopping not finished....and we leave for Chicago next Friday for 2 weeks.  Between teacher gifts for Mady's school, the three charities our MOMS Club is hosting, and the hubby's work charity...my kids will get a nice tax break receipt for Christmas and that's about it. 

I started working in home part time and my poor son, he gets to watch shows while I try to get everything done before picking Mady up from school.  I thought when she went to school, it would leave some time for us to spend with out the big sis.  Being the 2nd child, he's never had time without a sibling around....but we're not getting alot of that anyway.  I try to give him one day a week that we spend good quality time in the morning together, but so far this week won't have one of those.

Ok-I'm done bitching....

6:48 AM - 4 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Book Me Dano.....
Current mood: giddy

For any of my friends out there that even half-way know me, know I am a Police-obsessed-mofo.  I've been a fan since I was around 8 yrs old when I found thier Greatest Hits tape at a friends house and "borrowed" it after hearing it that day.  What really sucked was after I memorized every song on that tape, and started asking around about the band (this was waaaaaaay before Wikipedia!), I learn that they are no longer together.  That was heartbreaking to find out!  I saw Sting in Dallas in 2000 and it was an awesome concert!  But I knew it couldn't even compare to the Police as a whole!  I still felt the part missing of seeing them perform all those songs I had sat in my room and sang to:  King of Pain when things were going bad, Every Little Thing She Does when I got ready to go cruise with my friends, So Lonely when I broke up with a guy and was glad about it....he might be saying he's lonely...but how can you be sad when you hear that jam?

Fast forward to this weekend when my husband got me tickets to their show last night for my 33rd birthday!  It was amazing!  What an experience -I was shell shocked for about the first 5 songs-I couldn't quite grasp that I was in a concert hall with the actual Police performing and it wasn't some video on Mtv or my old tape.  They played all their great hits even ones I didn't think many people knew but were my favorites.  Then came back for two encores.  So after our $15 drinks and $50 tee-shirt......we left with me in a haze.  I was pretty quiet on the way home...blurting out every once in a while "I was so suprised they sang So Lonely!"  or "Oh man when they opened with "Message in a Bottle I was blown away!  That's my favorite song!"  That's about it-when big things happen to me I don't know how to express the feelings inside-but it was a great gift!   But I think he knows what it meant to me!

Here's some pics of their tour-we didn't bring a camera.

Stuart Copeland-who is one the most talented drummers EVER.  He was making music out things hanging on ropes and tables....

JQMI and I agree Sting has some deal with the devil to still look this good!  Oh to have been this close!  Feel their sweat splashing on me.....

7:00 AM - 5 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

This Just Disgusts Me
Current mood: angry

Here's a real story out of St. Charles, Missouri.  I'm ready to conact that police dept and demand this family get the justice they deserve!

A Real Person, A Real Death

His name was Josh Evans. He was 16 years old. And he was hot.

"Mom! Mom! Mom! Look at him!" Tina Meier recalls her daughter saying.

Josh had contacted Megan Meier through her MySpace page and wanted to be added as a friend.Yes, he's cute, Tina Meier told her daughter. "Do you know who he is?"

"No, but look at him! He's hot! Please, please, can I add him?"

Mom said yes. And for six weeks Megan and Josh - under Tina's watchful eye - became acquainted in the virtual world of MySpace.

Josh said he was born in Florida and recently had moved to O'Fallon. He was homeschooled. He played the guitar and drums.

He was from a broken home: "when i was 7 my dad left me and my mom and my older brother and my newborn brother 3 boys god i know poor mom yeah she had such a hard time when we were younger finding work to pay for us after he loeft."

As for 13-year-old Megan, of Dardenne Prairie, this is how she expressed who she was:

M is for Modern

E is for Enthusiastic

G is for Goofy

A is for Alluring

N is for Neglected.

She loved swimming, boating, fishing, dogs, rap music and boys. But her life had not always been easy, her mother says.

She was heavy and for years had tried to lose weight. She had attention deficit disorder and battled depression. Back in third grade she had talked about suicide, Tina says, and ever since had seen a therapist.

But things were going exceptionally well. She had shed 20 pounds, getting down to 175. She was 5 foot 5½ inches tall.

She had just started eighth grade at a new school, Immaculate Conception, in Dardenne Prairie, where she was on the volleyball team. She had attended Fort Zumwalt public schools before that.

Amid all these positives, Tina says, her daughter decided to end a friendship with a girlfriend who lived down the street from them. The girls had spent much of seventh grade alternating between being friends and, the next day, not being friends, Tina says.

Part of the reason for Megan's rosy outlook was Josh, Tina says. After school, Megan would rush to the computer.

"Megan had a lifelong struggle with weight and self-esteem," Tina says. "And now she finally had a boy who she thought really thought she was pretty."

It did seem odd, Tina says, that Josh never asked for Megan's phone number. And when Megan asked for his, she says, Josh said he didn't have a cell and his mother did not yet have a landline.

And then on Sunday, Oct. 15, 2006, Megan received a puzzling and disturbing message from Josh. Tina recalls that it said: "I don't know if I want to be friends with you anymore because I've heard that you are not very nice to your friends."

Frantic, Megan shot back: "What are you talking about?"

SHADOWY CYBERSPACE

Tina Meier was wary of the cyber-world of MySpace and its 70 million users. People are not always who they say they are.

Tina knew firsthand. Megan and the girl down the block, the former friend, once had created a fake MySpace account, using the photo of a good-looking girl as a way to talk to boys online, Tina says. When Tina found out, she ended Megan's access.

MySpace has rules. A lot of them. There are nine pages of terms and conditions. The long list of prohibited content includes sexual material. And users must be at least 14.

"Are you joking?" Tina asks. "There are fifth-grade girls who have MySpace accounts."

As for sexual content, Tina says, most parents have no clue how much there is. And Megan wasn't 14 when she opened her account. To join, you are asked your age but there is no check. The accounts are free.

As Megan's 14th birthday approached, she pleaded for her mom to give her another chance on MySpace, and Tina relented.

She told Megan she would be all over this account, monitoring it. Megan didn't always make good choices because of her ADD, Tina says. And this time, Megan's page would be set to private and only Mom and Dad would have the password.

'GOD-AWFUL FEELING'

Monday, Oct. 16, 2006, was a rainy, bleak day. At school, Megan had handed out invitations to her upcoming birthday party and when she got home she asked her mother to log on to MySpace to see if Josh had responded.

Why did he suddenly think she was mean? Who had he been talking to?

Tina signed on. But she was in a hurry. She had to take her younger daughter, Allison, to the orthodontist.

Before Tina could get out the door it was clear Megan was upset. Josh still was sending troubling messages. And he apparently had shared some of Megan's messages with others.

Tina recalled telling Megan to sign off.

"I will Mom," Megan said. "Let me finish up."

Tina was pressed for time. She had to go. But once at the orthodontist's office she called Megan: Did you sign off?

"No, Mom. They are all being so mean to me."

"You are not listening to me, Megan! Sign off, now!"

Fifteen minutes later, Megan called her mother. By now Megan was in tears.

"They are posting bulletins about me." A bulletin is like a survey. "Megan Meier is a slut. Megan Meier is fat."

Megan was sobbing hysterically. Tina was furious that she had not signed off.

Once Tina returned home she rushed into the basement where the computer was. Tina was shocked at the vulgar language her daughter was firing back at people.

"I am so aggravated at you for doing this!" she told Megan.

Megan ran from the computer and left, but not without first telling Tina, "You're supposed to be my mom! You're supposed to be on my side!"

On the stairway leading to her second-story bedroom, Megan ran into her father, Ron.

"I grabbed her as she tried to go by," Ron says. "She told me that some kids were saying horrible stuff about her and she didn't understand why. I told her it's OK. I told her that they obviously don't know her. And that it would be fine."

Megan went to her room and Ron went downstairs to the kitchen, where he and Tina talked about what had happened, the MySpace account, and made dinner.

Twenty minutes later, Tina suddenly froze in mid-sentence.

"I had this God-awful feeling and I ran up into her room and she had hung herself in the closet."

Megan Taylor Meier died the next day, three weeks before her 14th birthday.

Later that day, Ron opened his daughter's MySpace account and viewed what he believes to be the final message Megan saw - one the FBI would be unable to retrieve from the hard drive.

It was from Josh and, according to Ron's best recollection, it said, "Everybody in O'Fallon knows how you are. You are a bad person and everybody hates you. Have a shitty rest of your life. The world would be a better place without you."

BEYOND GRIEF INTO FURY

Tina and Ron saw a grief counselor. Tina went to a couple of Parents After Loss of Suicide meetings, as well.

They tried to message Josh Evans, to let him know the deadly power of mean words. But his MySpace account had been deleted.

The day after Megan's death, they went down the street to comfort the family of the girl who had once been Megan's friend. They let the girl and her family know that although she and Megan had their ups and down, Megan valued her friendship.

They also attended the girl's birthday party, although Ron had to leave when it came time to sing "Happy Birthday." The Meiers went to the father's 50th birthday celebration. In addition, the Meiers stored a foosball table, a Christmas gift, for that family.

Six weeks after Megan died, on a Saturday morning, a neighbor down the street, a different neighbor, one they didn't know well, called and insisted that they meet that morning at a counselor's office in northern O'Fallon.

The woman would not provide details. Ron and Tina went. Their grief counselor was there. As well as a counselor from Fort Zumwalt West Middle School.

The neighbor from down the street, a single mom with a daughter the same age as Megan, informed the Meiers that Josh Evans never existed.

She told the Meiers that Josh Evans was created by adults, a family on their block. These adults, she told the Meiers, were the parents of Megan's former girlfriend, the one with whom she had a falling out. These were the people who'd asked the Meiers to store their foosball table.

The single mother, for this story, requested that her name not be used. She said her daughter, who had carpooled with the family that was involved in creating the phony MySpace account, had the password to the Josh Evans account and had sent one message - the one Megan received (and later retrieved off the hard drive) the night before she took her life.

"She had been encouraged to join in the joke," the single mother said.

The single mother said her daughter feels the guilt of not saying something sooner and for writing that message. Her daughter didn't speak out sooner because she'd known the other family for years and thought that what they were doing must be OK because, after all, they were trusted adults.

On the night the ambulance came for Megan, the single mother said, before it left the Meiers' house her daughter received a call. It was the woman behind the creation of the Josh Evans account. She had called to tell the girl that something had happened to Megan and advised the girl not to mention the MySpace account.

AX AND SLEDGEHAMMER

The Meiers went home and tore into the foosball table.

Tina used an ax and Ron a sledgehammer. They put the pieces in Ron's pickup and dumped them in their neighbor's driveway. Tina spray painted "Merry Christmas" on the box.

According to Tina, Megan had gone on vacations with this family. They knew how she struggled with depression, that she took medication.

"I know that they did not physically come up to our house and tie a belt around her neck," Tina says. "But when adults are involved and continue to screw with a 13-year-old - with or without mental problems - it is absolutely vile.

"She wanted to get Megan to feel like she was liked by a boy and let everyone know this was a false MySpace and have everyone laugh at her.

"I don't feel their intentions were for her to kill herself. But that's how it ended."

'GAINING MEGAN'S CONFIDENCE'

That same day, the family down the street tried to talk to the Meiers. Ron asked friends to convince them to leave before he physically harmed them.

In a letter dated Nov. 30, 2006, the family tells Ron and Tina, "We are sorry for the extreme pain you are going through and can only imagine how difficult it must be. We have every compassion for you and your family."

The Suburban Journals have decided not to name the family out of consideration for their teenage daughter.

The mother declined comment.

"I have been advised not to give out any information and I apologize for that," she says. "I would love to sit here and talk to you about it but I can't."

She was informed that without her direct comment the newspaper would rely heavily on the police report she filed with the St. Charles County Sheriff's Department regarding the destroyed foosball table.

"I will tell you that the police report is totally wrong," the mother said. "We have worked on getting that changed. I would just be very careful about what you write."

Lt. Craig McGuire, spokesman for the sheriff's department, said he is unaware of anyone contacting the department to alter the report.

"We stand behind the report as written," McGuire says. "There was no supplement to it. What is in the report is what we believe she told us."

The police report - without using the mother's name - states:

"(She) stated in the months leading up Meier's daughter's suicide, she instigated and monitored a 'my space' account which was created for the sole purpose of communicating with Meier's daughter.

"(She) said she, with the help of temporary employee named ------ constructed a profile of 'good looking' male on 'my space' in order to 'find out what Megan (Meier's daughter) was saying on-line' about her daughter. (She) explained the communication between the fake male profile and Megan was aimed at gaining Megan's confidence and finding out what Megan felt about her daughter and other people.

"(She) stated she, her daughter and (the temporary employee) all typed, read and monitored the communication between the fake male profile and Megan ?..

"According to (her) 'somehow' other 'my space' users were able to access the fake male profile and Megan found out she had been duped. (She) stated she knew 'arguments' had broken out between Megan and others on 'my space.' (She) felt this incident contributed to Megan's suicide, but she did not feel 'as guilty' because at the funeral she found out 'Megan had tried to commit suicide before.'"

Tina says her daughter died thinking Josh was real and that she never before attempted suicide.

"She was the happiest she had ever been in her life," Ron says.

After years of wearing braces, Megan was scheduled to have them removed the day she died. And she was looking forward to her birthday party.

"She and her mom went shopping and bought a new dress," Ron says. "She wanted to make this grand entrance with me carrying her down the stairs. I never got to see her in that dress until the funeral."

NO CRIMINAL CHARGES

It does not appear that there will be criminal charges filed in connection with Megan's death.

"We did not have a charge to fit it," McGuire says. "I don't know that anybody can sit down and say, 'This is why this young girl took her life.'"

The Meiers say the matter also was investigated by the FBI, which analyzed the family computer and conducted interviews. Ron said a stumbling block is that the FBI was unable to retrieve the electronic messages from Megan's final day, including that final message that only Ron saw.

The Meiers do not plan to file a civil lawsuit. Here's what they want: They want the law changed, state or federal, so that what happened to Megan - at the hands of an adult - is a crime.

THE AFTERMATH IS PAIN

The Meiers are divorcing. Ron says Tina was as vigilant as a parent could be in monitoring Megan on MySpace. Yet she blames herself.

"I have this awful, horrible guilt and this I can never change," she said. "Ever."

Ron struggles daily with the loss of a daughter who, no matter how low she felt, tried to make others laugh and feel a little bit better.

He has difficulty maintaining focus and has kept his job as a tool and die maker through the grace and understanding of his employer, he says. His emotions remain jagged, on edge.

Christine Buckles lives in the same Waterford Crossing subdivision. In her view, everyone in the subdivision knows of Megan's death, but few know of the other family's involvement.

Tina says she and Ron have dissuaded angry friends and family members from vandalizing the other home for one, and only one, reason.

"The police will think we did it," Tina says.

Ron faces a misdemeanor charge of property damage. He is accused of driving his truck across the lawn of the family down the street, doing $1,000 in damage, in March. A security camera the neighbors installed on their home allegedly caught him.

It was Tina, a real estate agent, who helped the other family purchase their home on the same block 2½ years ago.

"I just wish they would go away, move," Ron says.

Vicki Dunn, Tina's aunt, last month placed signs in and near the neighborhood on the anniversary of Megan's death.

They read: "Justice for Megan Meier," "Call the St. Charles County Prosecuting Attorney," and "MySpace Impersonator in Your Neighborhood."

On the window outside Megan's room is an ornamental angel that Ron turns on almost every night. Inside are pictures of boys, posters of Usher, Beyonce and on the dresser a tube of instant bronzer.

"She was all about getting a tan," Ron says.

He has placed the doors back on the closet. Megan had them off.

If only she had waited, talked to someone, or just made it to dinner, then through the evening, and then on to the beginning of a new day in what could have been a remarkable life.

If she had, he says, there is no doubt she would have chosen to live. Instead, there is so much pain.

"She never would have wanted to see her parents divorce," Ron says.

Ultimately, it was Megan's choice to do what she did, he says. "But it was like someone handed her a loaded gun."

2:12 PM - 7 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

I’ve Got Them All Wrapped and Ready!
Current mood: bouncy

This is hilarious!

Most Baffling Toys Worldwide

11:53 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

I Shall Lock Up My Daughter

Onslaught

11:08 AM - 7 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Sleep that Eludes Me.....
Current mood: sleepy
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

Some weird shit has been happening to me this past half year or so.  Actually, it started about when I moved in our home almost 3years ago.  I was about 6 months pregnant and the time.  I had serious problems sleeping.  I'd get maybe 4 hours a night or less.  I love our home, and the neighborhood-but right behind our backyard fence is a shopping center.  As I sit here I can hear the continous hum of thier fan system.  During the day it gets drowned out by kids, tv, all the noises of the day.  At night the hum gets louder and louder and the hum turns into a annoying pulsating noise that vibrates in my head.  When we first moved here I attributed the lack of sleep to pregnancy-I know that it can cause insomnia.  I thought I was having trouble because I was pregnant anf the hum was annoying as a result.  So I started taking a Tylenol PM before bedtime to keep me sane-trust me I had a nervous breakdown before I started taking it.  It was for the best.  I still take the Tylenol PM's -just one before bed.  I do that probably 5-6 times a week.  If I don't, I sleep maybe 5 hours a night.  The humming will actually wake me up at night.  This past six months I starting drinking coffee in the morning because I'm so groggy from the Tylenol.  But the fans are getting worse-they click on and off every ten minutes now.  I wake up in the morning tense and my muscles are tight... 

I've never had a problem sleeping in my life.  Before kids on the weekends I'd sleep till noon-then take a nap in the afternoon.  When I go somewhere and stay I sleep fine.  It has to be this-it's the only thing I can think of.  I know my husband thinks I'm abnormal-it doens't bother him at all.  But what am I suppse to do?  Live with it because it only bothers me?  I've tried earplugs-they hurt my ears...I've tried cotton-it tickles the inside of my ears.  I've tried to meditate, chanting, counting sheep...nothing is working. 

Now to add the weird shit on top of that.  About six months ago in the middle of the night my husband got up to go to the bathroom.  The bathroom door is on my side of the bed/bedroom.  When he came out of the bathroom I asked him, "is the bathroom light on?"  He said "nope."  The reason why I asked him that was when he walked out of the bathroom to go get in the bed I saw a faint light of a woman walking right in fromt of him.  I thought if the light was on, my eyes maybe had distorted it to look like a lady-but no lights were on.  I was awake-but was it some strange subconcious thing?  Or was it real??  I was so freaked out I didn't go back to sleep for about 2 hours trying out figure out what it was. 

Fast forward to about a month ago, Ricky was out very late at a friends house helping him fix his computer system-and I was asleep.  I woke up to the noise of our bedroom door knob being loudly twisted...or that was what it sounded like.  When I raised up thinking I had accidentally locked Ricky out-I looked and the door was wide open and no one was there.  Again I laid there for hours trying to figure out is it my dreams or the Tylenol PM....or real???  Then again , a week ago I was asleep, husband's sound asleep next to me.  I get woken up to a voice of a little girl talking to me about thier blanket.  I thought it was my daughter but when I opened my eyes, no one was there and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it WAS a little girls voice-but it didn't really sound like my daughters.  So again I laid there-wondering the same questions: dream, pills, or real???  It all sounds ridiculous-but that's where I'm at today.  Trying to sort through this mess so I can get some sleep. 

After I saw that image of that lady, real or not, I was so scared I wouldn't go in my room by myself for a week.  The only person I've really talked to in depth about this is my husband-and he's supportive of what I'm dealing with.  I just don't know how to solve it.  We're talking about moving in the next year or so.  Hopefully that will solve it all-no more hum, DB gets some sleep and no more Tylenol PM.  On another stranger note-my father asked me if me or my dauther are "sensitive".  Dream things that will happen or have any kind of six sense ability.  He says it runs in our family-if I want to go WAY out there I can also add that to what I'm seeing-but that a whole other crazy rambling blog for another time!  When I start getting a full nights sleep-if things still happen THEN I'll open that door....until then, let's hope that this shopping center gets a make-over, starting with a new air system!  Or my next blog will be about leprechans or the sky is falling.....

8:33 AM - 7 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

In Memory
Current mood: melancholy
Category: Life

It's hard how to put into words how I've been feeling the past few days.  I hope writing this blog will help put things in perspective.  I have to do this MOMS Newsletter and all I've been thinking about is how bad I feel.  A friend of ours passed away Saturday morning.  She wasn't a close friend, we spent some time together in the past but I hadn't hung out with her in a while.  She just didn't wake up.  Her husband rolled over and she was gone.  Only 28 years old.  The general consensus is her medications caused some accidental fatal combination.  As far as I know, she was taking the same medication for a while and then for some reason it killed her one night. 

It makes you think about if you died tonight who would I leave?  How would I be thought of?  Did I do and say everything I could? 

The hard part with Megan passing was I had stopped hanging out with her because she was hard to take at times.  I didn't know she was bi-polar.  She moved here from Denver when I came here from Dallas.  It was a hard move for me, but her husband who worked with mine had stated it was really hard for Megan.  She struggled with feeling alone and other fears.  We met and spent some time together but her fears with her husband and other things made it hard to do much.  I quit hanging out with her much and we'd see each other at birthday parties for the kids or work functions.  Now when you hear it was a disorder and she was fighting through it with medication and writing articles on Bi-Polar disorders.  I feel like I gave up and didn't give someone a chance, and of all people I know there's always room for second chances.  These feelings have been just knotted up in my throat along with the shock of seeing someone so young with two young boys just be gone one day.  We went to her wake last night and it was hard to see her not looking like her, feeling like you could have done more for her while she was here.

Now I just want to give her a tribute and try to be at peace with things.  I'm not trying to make this about me-I just want to learn from my mistakes.  And there's something to be learned for not giving everyone chances and just be there for people when they are going through hard times regardless of if you feel you're not getting everything you want from the friendship.

Please pray for her boys and husband as they lay her to rest today and try to pick up the pieces.

        Megan Chapman

1:43 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Counting the Blessings
Current mood: thankful
Category: Life

This past month has been filled worrying, relief, and rejoice.  Life is like that I guess.  At my son's two year doctor's appointment they found a heart murmur-which I hear is quite common.  The big concern was that it appeared at an older age -usually they pop up when they are babies.  To be two and all the sudden get one is a concern.  So we took him to the heart specialist and they did all the tests-echocardiogram, and whatever all the names are....he did awesome with the nurse, she was great.  Then the doctor came in and Jay was a major turd, didn't want him to listen to his heart...nothing to do with him.  Which we are noticing is a pattern with him, not a fan with the men.  We thought this was quite funny since the woman nurse was the one sticking all the heart monitors on him, taking his pulse...all the doctor wanted to do was listen to his heart.  He wasn't going for it.  But all's well that ends well.  The murmur was benign and he won't need to see him until right before adolecence!  YAY!    Two weeks of worry and fear even when I was tickling him...was that bad?  Will it make his heart palipatate??  I didn't know much about murmurs but it didn't sound good! 

My husband has been searching his company for a few months looking at different positions, wanting a change.  Two positions posted at the same time that he was interested in.  In one week he applied for both.  Went on interviews and both groups are extending offers.  I'm proud-he definitely deserves it.  He works harder than most and I'm sure that's the reason they both want him. 

My dad had emergency surgery to take out a burst appendix.  It was a harrowing experince since the strange part was that he had two appendixes.  One was healthy, the other was hiding under another organ and had burst.  So they did several ultrasounds and found nothing.  In the meantime, he was getting worse and worse, almost passing out from pain, and fevers so high he was hallucinating.  So they did exploratory surgery and found the second appendix-which only appears in 2% of the population!  As if our family wasn't weird enough!  Now we're growing extra organs-terrific.  So it was removed and after a few weeks of recovery finally back to his healthy crabby self versus sick crabby self! 

All of this in one month!  Many blessings and thankful that it all ended with the best ending there could be!

8:26 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment