Crossroads, seem to come and go, yeah
Current mood: divided
Category: divided Quiz/Survey
So I've reached what they call in political circles an "impasse".
I realize it's been six months since my last survey, which admittedly is a short eternity, but after my overly ambitious December project, it felt like maybe the survey thing got stale. So since the response to my more recent dispatches has dwindled considerably, perhaps a return to form is needed.
So, I put it to you, dear readers...I'd love to continue making you fine people laugh and think and distract you from your daily repetition of work and sleep, but I need you to do your part too. This blog is wholly supported by, as they say in public broadcasting ads, "viewers like you".
I will continue my mission to mock and eviscerate every moronic MySpace survey question in existence if you do not waver in keeping my comments section flush with witty responses and suggestions on how to obtain Megan Fox's cell number (and where she got that awesome retro Star Wars shirt). What say you? HINT: Put it in the comments section!
Oh, and for those who want to be able to say you're friends with the coolest guy on Facebook, feel free to drop a friend request my way. Just make sure you tell me who you are when you add me so I don't think I owe you money or something.
Currently
watching
:
Eagle vs. Shark Release date: 2008-01-08
Bright lights, big two-headed cows
Current mood: transplanted
Category: transplanted Travel and Places
Look, I got a little sidetracked. It's not my fault! It's not like I wasn't busy, you know - quickly packing up everything I own into a 14-foot truck and dragging it to the very heart of my state's capital. And lemme tell ya, what a breathtakingly awesome, yet somewhat unkempt and crime-ridden heart it is!
Just a few cursory stories/observations to share:
- Why in the name of Zarkon the Space God did I attempt to walk down the moving truck ramp when I knew full-well that one of the hooks at the top was missing? I assure you that the resulting massive tumble would've made me an instant YouTube celebrity - if only because my camouflage pants came down, revealing my teal boxers. It's a small sacrifice in exchange for not fracturing my skull. Three people witnessed this (one being my new roommate) and probably had an excellent story to tell at work the next day. Well, I do live to entertain, you know...
- Puerto Rican part of town is mere blocks away and the true hotbed of activity is right in front of Walgreen's. At any time, there will easily be 20-30 people sitting out front doing nothing. Any people of Puerto Rican heritage who could help explain this phenomenon? Is there some annual Cinco de Walgreen festival I'm not aware of? Help a poor white boy out.
More tales from my incredible new home to come. In the meantime, I realize there was some trouble adding comments to my last post, so hopefully our man Tom has gotten his ass in line and fixed it for me. So comment away, skippy!
P.S. My pal Jason has unleashed Issue 2 of his incredibly ghoulish and awesome Tales of Rocky Point Park horror comic so buy six copies today. Cannot. Recommend. Enough.
P.P.S. Anyone who wants to spearhead a vigorous petition campaign for me to collaborate on the next issue of said incredibly ghoulish and awesome horror comic, please do so at your leisure. That is all.
Currently
listening
:
The Best of Meco
By
Meco
Release date: 1997-02-04
Scream queens and weight machines
Current mood: narrowing
Category: narrowing Life
Friday the 13th, huh? It's a date so infamous and legendary that it boasts not one, but two specific phobias - paraskevidekatriaphobia or friggatriskaidekaphobia. And while on the topic, what's so damn exciting about Jason's mask in the remake being identical to the one we've seen him in for decades now? Anyone? Beuller?
Moving on, if you're my MySpace friend - and if not, why not - you probably know that I recently took on a side project codenamed "The Incredible Shrinking Man". Since my doctor issued an edict two months ago, I'm pleased to announce that, as of today, I've dropped a respectable 39 lbs. (A multiple of 13. Creepy.) to appease him and I'm not quitting yet...to appease myself and possibly one of you smokin' single gals out there.
My secret, you ask? Sushi, rice cakes, turkey burgers, and Polar Diet Ginger Ale. Getting off my slothful ass and actually exercising also seems to aid in the process.
Attempting to bridge that perilous gap between fear and calisthenics, I wish to bring to your attention a short film entitled Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout. This low-budget gem from 1989 (Also a multiple of 13. Super-creepy!) starts out like a typical Skinemax softcore flick, but if you're a true fan of 80s cheesy horror like I am, then you're sure to be entertained - if only for attempting to theorize how many hours a day Linnea spent crimping her hair on set.
I hate to admit it, but I was actually somewhat impressed by the attention given to the look of the zombies - makeup, wardrobe, etc. I haven't seen undead cardio that intense since Michael Jackson danced with the funk of 40,000 years (unfortunately not a multiple of 13)! And how cool is it to see Linnea back among the ranks of the living dead, right?
Oh, if only Tarman could've fit a cameo into his busy schedule. Pity, that.
You’ve got theft!
Current mood: thieving
Category: thieving Life
Anyway, I was playing a marathon session of LEGO Indiana Jones yesterday afternoon when I received an unsettling phone call. It was my font-of-endless-blogging-material ex-roommate and what he told me actually made me drop my controller, thus interrupting my valiant assault on the plasticized Third Reich.
It turns out that while we were living in our condo, someone was stealing select pieces of our mail - Netflix and game rentals in particular, according to the documents he was sent. Interestingly enough, this lady (yep, it was a woman!) wasn't even a resident or employee of our complex...so I at least give her a minute shred of credit for being savvy enough not to be so easily traced.
So that's where my Transformers HD-DVD went! See? Told ya, Netflix!
In closing, I really have no point here other than to say that I cannot believe the audacity, desperation, and downright lack of conscience of some people. I mean, Netflix movies? Seriously? Is purloining a copy of Norbit really worth an extended stay at Club Fed?
In honor of this unlikely 'net celebrity, supercool indie band Zombies! Organize!! sampled this for their hip new track, "I Like Turtles". Hear it now over on their MySpace page. Please listen to the other songs while you're there because they will most likely rock your face off.
As for your humble narrator, I'm currently diverting my creative energies into fleshing out (pardon the pun) this zombie script idea that hasn't left me alone since March. I promise I'll give you some details when I'm further along in the process, but I'll still be bringing you teh funnay one way or another in the coming months. Honest injun.
There's a fantastic and criminally underrated 80s movie called Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins... which came to mind tonight. One line in particular kept racing through my brain. It comes as martial artist-in-training Remo asks his sensei, master of Sinanju, Chuin, about what the number of the lesson was that they just completed. His reply...
You would call it 'four'. I would call it 'embarrassing'.
This succinctly states how I felt about Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. To wait and pine nearly 20 years to rush to witness this depressing, contrived atrocity is tantamount to fanboy gang-rape via flaming spatulas.
Without ruining anything for those still willing to brave this heinous disaster, I'll briefly say is that this film now joins the subterranean ranks of sequels such as The Godfather: Part III and Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace as "Films I Pretend Don't Exist". And the fact that some fanboys are rushing to defend it from we who speak the truth makes it all the more abominable.
Someone cheer me up please or convince me what I beheld wasn't anything less than cinematic blasphemy. Currently, I feel like I'm entering the initial stages of PTSD and really need you guys to pull me through...or at least distract me somehow. Please, I beg of you!
P.S. After leaving the theatre tonight feeling squarely punted in the narbles by the once-holy trinity of Spielberg, Lucas, and Ford, I had to tank up for $4.09 per gallon - the quintessential pissing in the face I needed to top off my evening.
Songs of freedom
Current mood: redeemed
Category: redeemed Music
I know. I know. I've been neglecting you for a long time, but it was a slight consolation to see that you all didn't abandon me. And as a means of making amends, I offer this premiere (and incredibly unflattering anglewise) video of me singing a song of redemption in my bedroom just for you...
So check it out, eggheads...I'm sure you're aware that this year Easter is March 23rd. However, according the intarwebs, the soonest it can possibly come is March 22nd and the last time this occurred was 1818 and won't happen again until 2228. By then, we'll all be dead and it's expected that Walt Disney and Ted Williams's head will be thawed out.
Why should you give a flying ratcrap about that? Well, if you're not of the Catholic persuasion (which I'm thinking accounts only for one or two among the rest of my beloved sacreligious heathen readers), you should care because March 23rd is also my birthday. Yup, all the fun I've made of my mother's December 26th birthday has come back to sink its incisors into my ass!
Four zombies and a fish funeral
Current mood: weak (get it?)
Category: weak (get it?) Life
Since I'm sure you're all curious what a week for your humble Master of Surveys is like, allow I to give you a rare inside peek at my oh, so glamorous lifestyle...
- Went to a Chinese grocery store alleged to be the largest in New England. Discovered such inedible delicacies as Green Bean Cake, vacuum-sealed 3" squid as long as my forearm, and Fortune - the Asian equivelent of Spam.
- At same store, also became irreversibly addicted to a Japanese chocolate treat called Pocky, which I liken to the insanely delicious Cadbury Fingers.
- Attempted to make tuna rolls. Result: EPIC FAIL. I swear, no matter how little rice I slather on top of the seaweed, it's still doesn't roll correctly. Frustrating!
- Omega, my betta fish of five weeks, unexpectedly met his fishy maker. A private service for immediate family was held in my bathroom.
- Sat in quiet room with two other people and started fiddling with my Sidekick. A guy I don't get along with comes in minutes later and blurts, "Damn! It's quiet as hell in here!"
- My response? "Yes, and thank god you're here to fix it!"
- Found out all that stands between me and emancipation from my font-of-endless-blogging-material roommate is a check for $50. No return touch-up painting/cleaning required. And there was much rejoicing.
- After viewing the vapid and blasphemous Day of the Dead "remake" (wall-crawling living dead? WTF?), decided to start penning my own goddamn zombie movie. Details to follow eventually.
-- Now don't you wish you were me? C'mon, admit it.
Invasion of the Survey Snatchers
Current mood: hijacked
Category: hijacked Quiz/Survey
Have you ever smoked heroin?
I prefer needles over smoke...rusty ones, even.
Favorite place to be?
In my happy place. I love it there. It's happy. What do you think of hot dogs?
I think you should build them a shelter and get them out of the sun, you cruel hearted bastard. And while you're at it, get them a drink of cold water, for cripes sake!
Worst injury you've ever had?
Well, there was that one time when I lost both of my arms...
Can you do push-ups?
I have no arms. Thanks for reminding me, jerkface. I'm gonna go cry now.
What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
My alcohol monitoring ankle cuff. 8 more months!
Do you have A. D. D?
Huh?
Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
Sleeping??? uh... no.
Best bed sheets as a child?
Clean.
Last awkward moment?
Not sure... they all kind of run together.
Do you still live at home?
No, I prefer the rescue mission.
Would you bungee jump?
Only if I simultaneously had the overwhelming urge to crap my pants... then SURE.
Who do you miss the most?..
Your grandma. She keeps moving when I try to shoot her.
-- Thanks for reading and commenting heavily (hint!)...and special thanks to Angie for taking over survey duties this time out. Try to have a pleasant weekend. Mine will be spent in equal parts deep hibernation and cranking through a stockpile of rented DVDs.
P.S. I'd be remiss not to mark the untimely passing of HD-DVD. We hardly knew ye...and I hardly got my money's worth out of my Xbox 360 add-on! Bastards! Now I've got a $200 paperweight! Any takers?
COMING SOON - Invasion of the Survey Snatchers!
Current mood: breached
Category: breached Quiz/Survey
So how was everyone's VD? Mine was spent in solitude - taking in both the blissful new Indiana Jones trailer and a positively mind-melting episode of Lost. Far better than being in bed with a randy barely legal and morally loose supermodel! Seriously!
And now with that sickening sweetness out of the way, let's get down to business. As my guest surveyor Angie will be taking over this time out, here's a look at the next title and a sample of what's to come...
Screw VD!
Current mood: congested
Category: congested Quiz/Survey
If you're single like me and detest that corporately manufactured VD holiday, here's some geektacular reasons to perk up this week...
- Angela, my sole contender in last week's contest, has temporarily taken me hostage and insisted upon doing the next survey, to be released soon. You'll know more than I do.
- Diary of the Deaddue this week. Just in time to bring that special someone!
Behold the sole entry of my You Got Surveyed contest from reader Angela B.
Do you still have your tonsils? In a jar in my fridge - next to my appendix and left ovary.
Obviously, I didn't get the amount of responses I was hoping for, but I congratulate Angela for not only taking the time to participate in my silly contest, but also confessing to having one ovary...well, on on-board ovary, which truth be told is at least one more than I've got. Unfortunately, the merit badge lives to be given away another day. --
Moving on, while boxing up the massive collection of everything I own for relocation over the weekend (much more on that another time), I came across this Chinese bootleg DVD hidden in a pile of 'em a friend unloaded on me called Cheerleader Ninjas.
Now if that title isn't gold on its own, it claims to star two people whose names I can't pronounce and the slogan invokes 1337 sp33k ("From infinity to teh mall!"). Awesome. Better still, check some of the oh, so enticing IMDb plot keywords...
lesbianism - Trekkie - Catholic school - spanking leg spreading - computer nerd - sex doll - exchange student
How did this cinematic masterpiece ever slip by the major theater chains back in 2002? This undoubtedly has to be virtual perfection on celluloid! Could it possibly get any better (well, aside from adding zombies)? I honestly didn't think so until I found this ad on the DVD's inside flap...
NEW CONTEST: You Got Surveyed!
Current mood: contested
Category: contested Quiz/Survey
Despite a lot of people writing in telling me they dig my writing, I occasionally will get one of the "haterz" who'll say that they don't "get it" or that anyone can do what I do.
"Fair enough," I say. Therefore I'm holding a silly little contest called...
I challenge all of you to employ your wit and hit me with your best survey question (culled from a real MySpace survey) and answer it in the most humorous fashion possible. Once accomplished, email it to masterofsurveys at tmail.com by Sunday, February 3. Please do not post it in the comments section!
On Monday, February 4, I'll select five finalists and allow you, dear readers, to vote for your favorite entry. Results will be announced the following week.
And what would be a contest without prizes? Well, the top-voted entry will receive my very own Surveying merit badge as a token of my respect and appreciation. You'll be the envy of the entire MySpace blogosphere! Can you put a price on that? Wait. Don't answer that.
A few mandatory (albeit tedious) rules... 1. To be eligible to win, you must be a subscriber of this blog - not like it costs anything! 2. One submission (one question and answer) per person...so gimme the best ya got. 3. In order for the contest to work, at least 10 unique entries must be received. I reserve the right to call everything off if only one person submits or if there's any chicanery afoot...because seriously, what fun is that? 4. The winner will have to provide me with their mailing address to receive their prize. Obviously, it won't be used to sign you up for Viagra junk mail. I'm sure you're all more than virile. 5. All entries become property of masterofsurveys.com and will not be acknowledged or returned (so no suing me)! 6. Residents of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch not eligible. 7. This one was pointless, so I left it out.
I am Survey
Current mood: legendary
Category: legendary Quiz/Survey
Say something totally random about yourself?
I find dipping bread into warm soup one of the two purely divine pleasures on this planet. The other one of course being watching a co-worker you can't stand get fired.
Have you talked with your parents about the birds and the bees?
Mom sat me down and showed me a library book that was entirely composed of line drawings. For a long time after, I thought I couldn't get a girl pregnant without liberal use of a No. 2 pencil. Someone finally set me straight last week. What was the last movie you watched?
Cloverfield in four words:Blair Witch minus boogers. Juno in three words: Overrated, annoying mediocrity. Sunshine in two words: Marginally brilliant. He Was a Quiet Man in one word: Horseshit.
Do you have any moles on your body?
They're back? Gah! Get them off before they burrow in!
Have you broken a bone or had stitches?
I fractured my wrist during basketball tryouts in high school. I made the first cut and was out for the season all within a matter of hours. I imagine if I hadn't smashed myself up so badly that I'd be writing from the set of my new Nike commercial where I display how I can effortlessly trample upon countless Indonesian work-slaves to hookshot myself a $10 million payday.
Are you bipolar?
I beg your pardon! I don't even think about polar bears like that!
Have you ever been punched?
I got a lot of that growing up with little punks trying to act tough. I'd get punched in the shoulder. They'd get punched into the hospital. The best part was when their sisters came after me the next day like I was the one who started it. Nothing says "tough" like when your sister has to cuss out the guy who was just defending himself while you've got a face puffed up like cheese soufflé. Yep, real tough.
Whats the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
"Hey, baby. What an amazing pair of...eyes you've got. No, seriously, I really can see them from this angle. Stereoscopic vision."
Were you ever rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
Never got the full ambulance ride, but I did spend some time last weekend in the emergency room getting up close and personal with my kidney stone. Only hospital I've ever been in that had Jamaican beef patties in the vending machines...and you'd think that being concerned with people's health that they'd dispense something slightly less potentially lethal to their clientele, right?
Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
A customer at a former job actually thought he was complimenting me by saying I look like John Candy. If I wasn't on the clock at that moment, I would've arranged an intimate meeting with the real deal.
-- Thanks for reading, folks. I'm currently in the process of uprooting everything I own and moving it approximately four miles so I'm doing my best to not neglect you - because I love you. There, I said it.
I rarely shill so shamelessly, but anyone wishing to graciously assist funding my move can purchase my fine (albeit slightly used) wears over yonder. Movies and games, oh my!
Look, I got a little sidetracked. It's not my fault! It's not like I wasn't busy, you know - quickly packing up everything I own into a 14-foot truck and dragging it to the very heart of my state's capital. And lemme tell ya, what a breathtakingly awesome, yet somewhat unkempt and crime-ridden heart it is!
Anyway, I was playing a marathon session of LEGO Indiana Jones yesterday afternoon when I received an unsettling phone call. It was my font-of-endless-blogging-material ex-roommate and what he told me actually made me drop my controller, thus interrupting my valiant assault on the plasticized Third Reich.
There's a fantastic and criminally underrated 80s movie called Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins... which came to mind tonight. One line in particular kept racing through my brain. It comes as martial artist-in-training Remo asks his sensei, master of Sinanju, Chuin, about what the number of the lesson was that they just completed. His reply...
So check it out, eggheads...I'm sure you're aware that this year 
If you're single like me and detest that corporately manufactured VD holiday, here's some geektacular reasons to perk up this week...
Moving on, while boxing up the massive collection of everything I own for relocation over the weekend (much more on that another time), I came across this Chinese bootleg DVD hidden in a pile of 'em a friend unloaded on me called 
