Isobelle
Current mood: melancholy

"The world I love, the tears Ive dropped, to be part of the wave, can't stop. Ever wonder if its all for you?" - RHCP

Ive had a very interesting and painful 48 hours. For those of you who don't know who Isobelle is, she has been my most unconditional and loving friend for the last four years. She passed away yesterday. I knew this was coming, earlier this week she made me stop and hold her like I did when she was only a couple of weeks old, but the brightness in her eyes was clearly diminished. I knew it was the beginning of the end.

When we came home from running errands Saturday morning my bustle was brought to an abrupt stop when I realized that she needed me now, and that it was going to be now. I called my mom and Ian over, they cared for her during the year I lived alone and couldnt have her with me. In that time they became very attached to eachother. My mom's pig Charlie also passed away recently. I guess I havent been able to write about him because it made me think of how much it would hurt when Isobelle went. Well, I guess its time to hurt for both now.

They came over and said thier goodbyes and I was prepared to sit there with her all day in spite of my exhaustion. She started to try to get away though, its as though she said her goodbyes to me and wanted to breathe her last breath without me crying over her. I never cried on her. I just told her she was beautiful, and that it was ok to go. And she did. And I cried. This morning she will be laid to rest under the apple tree next to Charlie, her dear friend who passed a month ago. Like most mates, one doesnt live long without the other.

As much as this hurts, Im glad she isnt in pain anymore. But Im going to feel it when I have to dismantle her cage, and when I go to the store and buy parsley and lettuce for her out of habit. God this hurts. I keep thinking I hear her drinking water or wheeting at me, and she isnt. Not anymore. I can still hear her. Goodbye to my dear friend, I love you so, so much.

"Can't stop the spirits when they need you, this life is more than just a read through"

Currently listening : Surfacing By Sarah McLachlan Release date: 1997-07-15

3:56 PM - 9 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

A Few Things
Current mood: listless
Category: Life

My life has gone skittering across the floor and into the corners of darkness again. It is here that I sit, questioning everything. They say you are your own worst critic, and I find that day by day to be more true. Perhaps I should say night by night. I see very little daylight, and if I do see it, its cause Im up late, or its the weekend. No matter whats going on I get tired around 2pm now, rather than 2am. But all in all, I wouldnt trade it. I like working graves.

Anyway, I digress. Actually, no I didn't. I don't really know what I am even getting at here. Just that I feel entirely unsure of where Im at in life right now. Hanging somewhere between ok and out of control. I have been really identifying with 3 libras lately. Hence the quotes and such on my page. "A name in your recollection, down among a million same". I just feel like I am nothing special, just another face in the crowd of cattle. I know I usually have more conviction than a normal person, but lately it seems I have none. I have been going through some sort of self transformation though. Some things little, somethings big. Yeah, like chopping off my hair. I have been spending money on myself more than I ever have before. It felt selfish at first, but Its been helping I think. Maybe those messages of "Love yourself before you can love anything else" are finally sinking in. I have been ignoring myself and saying, until you get out of school you can't have anything nice. Perhaps I thought that would motivate me. So far, not so good. So, Im trying the empowering route instead.

On a different note, I applyed for a Tech III position they are "creating" for my shift. Hope it goes well. At least an interview would be nice. Anyway, Im supposed to be going on a big hike in about 6 hours. I better get a nap. Being up and active during the day will require some discipline.

"Difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed, passed over"

Currently listening : A Perfect Circle - aMOTION (with CD) Release date: 2004-11-16

7:35 AM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Since no one else really cares...
Current mood: eccentric

I will just write about it here, I suppose. There are a few things that have happened this weekend that I found to be interesting or exciting. However those who I have tried to relate it to don't seem to care much, so I guess thats what blogs are for. To play out my amusement to a world that doesn't really have time to care. Oh well.

My mom has been on this kick recently where she goes to the library and checks out all sorts of classical and gregorian music. I have since aquired a good sized collection of awesome classical music. While I have collected Mozart, Bach, and Beethoven, I would have to say my favorite lately has been Vivaldi. I simply get lost in it. Maybe its all those years of being a band geek. I just immerse myself in the music, I can see the pages of sheet music, the conductor, the rise and fall of the bows on the strings of the violins. I just love it wholly and completely, and not many of my compatriots do.

One of the other things of interest is that I happened across a chance to get a free audiobook download of  The Alchemist by Paulo Cohelo on Itunes. I came to work tonight all excited over it and only one of my friends understood how cool it was that it was narrated by Jeremy Irons, who is the shit. Alas, I am a geek and forget that sometimes. I listened to the whole book tonight, which is awesome because I have been trying to sit down and re-read it for some time now. I just havent found the time, and listening to it at work was perfect. I rather prefer curling up with a book, but life doesn't afford me such leisures anymore...so I may do this more often.

The last item of interest is something a bit more heavy. I found Ryan, well his myspace page anyway. Which sounds silly, I know. But last time I talked to him was quite some time ago, and he seemed to vanish completely. I don't know how long he has had a page, but I have searched him out a few times now. It was only until I stopped looking that I found him. I am very much under the impression that he did not wish to be found. But after so long I am very curious to know how he is doing. After all, he went from being dead to very much alive and well, or so it seems. At any rate I believe that no one understands my shock and bewilderment because no one I associate with now was really there for the 4 or 5 year saga that was our relationship. No one I know now truly appreciates the full gravity of the situation. Perhaps it is for the better. It is just hard to completely forget and walk away from the first person I ever truly fell in love with. Although, I do look back now and see how young and stupid we both were. Im sure we are both very different people now, with little in common. I will just have to take pleasure in knowing he is alive and well, and go about my business. It was just quite the show stopper, and I had no one to freak out with about it. Heh, such is life.

Currently listening : Vivaldi: The Concerto Collection: Violin Concertos, Op. 8, Chamber Concertos, Concertos for Recorder, Lute, Bassoon, Organ, and Diverse Instruments Release date: 2006-04-04

7:24 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

4 o’ clock in the morning
Category: Parties and Nightlife

An old rambling I meant to have posted ages ago.

As I hear these songs, that were once so common, I think of you. I watch those lights in my head move as you would move them. You stopped the world to the beat of a song only to start it up again at your will. All I will ever have is those lights in my head. Oh you, who taught me that moments are fleeting and never duplicated. How I hold on to those blissful, fleeting and frightening moments. I always knew I would lose you, for how long can one clutch light tightly to thier heart? Its never long enough I think, as the song reaches an end.

8:27 AM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Black Muse
Current mood: pensive
Category: Romance and Relationships

I am your black muse. I am devistating inspiration. And when you have me it will be so joyfull and splendorous, but I will let you down. I will let you down, hard. And you will fight me, and beg me to take it all back. But by then it is too late. And after much time has passed and my words have long since grown cold and died you will realize how much they afftected you. You will see where my cruelty has lead you, and you will know now what I saw then. Those devistated by my words grow exponentially as though my words were the shears to a dying rose bush. I will cut you, you will hate me, and then you will grow. Such has been the cycle of my lovers since the beginning. And I ask, when will it end? When will I be able to lay down my cutting, devistating words and begin to grow? Perhaps when I find inspiriation of my own. 

Currently listening : Futureperfect By VNV Nation Release date: 05 March, 2002

6:49 PM - 2 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Reminiscing
Category: Life

Listening to my music on the way home yesterday Pink Floyd came on and it just reminded me of some of the good times in my life. I remember when Miche and I and whoever else went with us would leave the club, half drunk, danced out, ears ringing and feet hurting. We would climb into my car and turn on our favorite post-club music, Dark Side of the Moon. I just remember it being better than any pain reliever or muscle relaxer I could have taken at the moment. Cherish the present; the future will never be quite the same. 

Currently listening : Dark Side Of The Moon By Pink Floyd Release date: 25 October, 1990

6:34 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

10 Things

*Disclaimer: No, I don't usually pollute my blogspace with silly reposts, but I'm doing it for the love of mah best friend...even though she is oh so far away.*

Here's how you play:

Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog w/ 10 weird, random things, facts, habits or goals about yourself. At the end choose 10 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. Don't forget to leave them a comment ("You're It") and to read your blog. You can't tag the person who tagged you. Since you can't tag me back, let me know when you've posted your blog so I can see your answers!

1. For once I am in a healthy, happy relationship
2. I hate my body, and Im always hungry which doesn't help
3. My back is acting up...again. So much for the 2nd surgery
4. Im hate my tiny ass studio apartment
5. My car is also acting up again
6. I miss my guinea pig (see also myspace.com/isobellapigalina)
7. I wish I wasn't such an angry, vindictive bitch all the time
8. I hate money and the dominion it has over me
9. I want to go back to school, but dont see how I can
10. I hate how I am always waiting for something, watching life pass my dumb ass by

THE LOVELY PEOPLE I PICK TO SAY 10 THINGS ABOUT THEMSELVES: (but anyone can do it, depending on your boredom ratio)

1. Dani - Because you rule
2. Miche - Because I loves ya
3. Mitchell - Because you're hilarious
4. Travis - Because you know you want to
5. Courtnie - Because I care aboot ya
6. Melissa - Because I know you love this kinda shit
7. John B. - Because your answers are always entertaining
8. Derek - Because you might bitch at me for this
9. Ed - Because, well, why not?
10. Alex - Because youre a nut. as in nutbag. better than an asshat, right?

8:57 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Leaving the Past
Category: Life

I am at a crossroads in life. I now realize that, more than ever I need to simply let things go. Fortunately I have a new teacher who has shown me the first steps. Turning the wheel of the year I have been remembering things. I find that I associate memories with the changes of the season. Just the other day I caught the scent of fall and it reminded me of everthing that I was going through last year. Trying to escape from Dave, from my whole life. I remember that dead feeling of true depression. I didnt realize it then but now, looking in from the outside and after having some professional analysis on it, I realize that this time last year I was in a true depression.

Then finding Aaron who seemed to be such a steadfast companion, how wrong I was...simply made it worse in retrospect. I gave up everything for him. I lost it all and had to start over completely. On my ass, broke, unable to do much with my back being fucked up and all I wanted was for him to be there. Even to just talk to me on the phone all night like we used to. I always felt like he never wanted to see me. Like I was begging to have an audience with him. Utterly unwanted. And I suppose in the end I was utterly unwanted. Fine. I guess its better that I went through the surgery alone. I had me and my music. The nurses didn't want to tend to me. I discovered true fear of being paralyzed and helpless to do the smallest task in life. But I had myself, my music, and my pain; and I got through it.

I guess im still recovering from the surgery. still alot of muscle memory and pain. I dont think I will ever be truly "fixed". With the bars out of my back there has been more curvature but I can sit in a chair without my shoulders burning (usually) so that has been a benefit. If the spasms would just stop I think this could work out.

But as I turn the wheel of this year I will have lived alone, under my own power, for an entire year. And I cant say it's been easy, but its been good. Nothing can touch me now, I dont care anymore. I simply dont have the energy to spend fighting with someone. No one can take this from me, my independance. If I choose to live with someone it will be because I want to; not out of necessity. I say all of these things because the fall winds have stirred such uncomfortable memories in me that I realize I have to let them go. No regrets, forget about all that could have been. I guess all I want to say now is something that would go out to each of the people involved:

Travis - Im sorry, you didnt deserve any of that.

Dave - You should have known better, find yourself, and find someone who will live with who you are. I am done.

Aaron - You are the hardest of all to deal with. I would have gone to hell and back for you. If you would have only shown a scrap of validation for what we had. Get over yourself.

Jake - Thank you for being my shining star. You are teaching me to be a better person in life, love and all other aspects. You bring balance to my being.

And now, I leave my past behind me and make way for a better future.

Currently listening : Fumbling Towards Ecstasy By Sarah McLachlan Release date: 15 February, 1994

9:49 AM - 2 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Keep the Gloves Up
Category: Friends

It has come to my attention just how fucked up many of my friends are. Don't invent shit to be mad at me about. If you have a problem with me, tell me. Don't delete me just to see when I notice. I can still visit your profile without knowing you have deleted me. Just because I don't dote over your very existance doesn't mean I don't care. Get over yourself. Its not like I delete people if I havent heard from them in a month. I know that there is life outside of myspace, I have one of my own. So I respect the fact that alot of my friends aren't active myspacers; it means they actually have something BETTER to do. And kudos to them. So don't cry when I don't comment on your shit, far more than half of you don't comment on my pictures, blogs or bulletins and I don't piss and moan about it. When did this all become such bullshit? I don't know what the hell is wrong with a lot of you but if you decide to delete me over this, fine. Good fucking riddance. All I am saying is get over yourself. I care, but I can't keep up with everyone on a daily basis. I have a life and I hope you do too. 

Currently listening : From the Choirgirl Hotel By Tori Amos Release date: 05 May, 1998

3:22 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Cut mah hair
Category: Life

I have bangs now. I dont think I like them very much. Myspace is being a whore and won't let me upload it. Anyway, there it is. Havent done much this weekend. Went out to sushi on saturday. Then when I woke up that night we watched more anime and drank sake. Looks like the same for tonight. Just taking it easy for now and doing things that dont cost much money since I am oh so poor. Found out that everyone in my department gets like a $0.65 raise at the end of the month. That should help.

2:11 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment