Gender: Female
Age: 25
Sign: Aquarius
City: Fairbanks
State: Alaska
Country: US
Signup Date:
06/18/06
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Blog Archive
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June 15, 2008 - Sunday
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The Other Side of the Army Life.
Current mood:  contemplative
Category: Life
[WARNING: THIS IS LONG BUT IT IS A GOOD READ... IT IS KINDA SAPPY SO DEAL!]
I have been thinking about writing this blog for a some time now, only I was unsure of what I was going to say. I am unsure of how to express my thoughts in a way that they come across coherently rather than disjointed. Please bear with this blog as I try to do my best.
Joining the Army held roughly four incentives that I could not pass up. The first and foremost, I needed money. I was in a job that though I loved (and still miss to this day) did not offer me the oppurtunity to advance more than what I had. So the ability to get paid while I was in training, and the bonuses offered to me, well it was alomst orgasmic.
The second insentive that was offered to me was the ability to travel. As a person who had always lived on the east coast, I was not the poster child for well roundedness. The Army offered me the ability to see new places and experience new things. It is something that I would not have had the chance to do other wise.
The third thing that the Army offered me, was discipline. It has always been something that my life had lacked. I was not a trouble maker, didn't break laws, but I was in no place to have self discipline. The Army offered me structure where there was almost always chaos. I think this is the thing I craved the most, and yet was also terrified of.
The last and probably most exciting thing the Army offered me, was well... the ability to learn how to blow things up. Lol. I have always been a rather destructive person, at least that is what I have been told. The thought of being able to carry a weapon and learn to shoot, and blow things up, that was probably even more orgasmic than the money. The two combined was a nice sort of wet dream.
When I signed on the dotted line, I had a very realistic idea of what I was getting into. During Basic training my life would be hell and there would be a lot of yelling and maybe some crying. I knew there was a large chance of going to Iraq or other similar places of conflict and danger. I prepared myself mentally as best I could to deal with my possibly leaving.
As many people know, I instead got injured and have been in limbo since. It is not bad, it could be better, but it could also be worse. But in all, this blog is not about that. It is about the fact that even though I prepared myself to leave, I am in no way prepared to see a loved one go. This blog is very much about the hypocritical feelings that I am having.
I would very much go if ordered, and I would do my job to the best of my ability. However, I do not want to see my significant other get on that plane and leave. I did not, when signing up for the Army prepare myself for the lonely nights. I did not, prepare myself for the long distance relationship that my soon to be marriage would be.
I am not complaining, well I am in a way. I am trying to explain a world that is so different than anything I have known. One would think that the girlfriends and the wives of soldiers would be able to get along, to put differences aside to help one another, while everyone's loved one is gone. Sadly, that does not happen that often, from what I have seen. It is almost like being in high school, you have your officers' wives, you have your enlisted wives, and in each group there are the small little clicks looking out for only themselves.
As an Army spouse or girlfriend you come second. We would like think that we come first in our significant others lives, but that is not true, the Army and the mission comes first and it always will, and it always should. I have it easier right now though, we do not have kids yet, so there is no trying to explain where daddy had to go at eight at night, all beacuse some private messed up.
I feel as if I am alone but not alone when Jason goes away. There are photos of us together all over the house, so I see him all the time. But there is no one next to me as I go to sleep at night. No one to talk to, or laugh with while watching a stupid movie. No one to cuddle with when I am sick. I know he is here in spirit, and if he had a choice he would be here in body.
In the end though he does not have choice, and nor do I. This is the other side of the Army. The real side underneath all the promises and the incintives. This is the side of the Army that millions live everyday. I am but a recent member to this growing group of women and children. One day I will learn how to better handle the situations that I will be faced with. For right now though, I hear a pint of double vanilla ice cream calling my name.
I love you Jason, and I know you will be home as soon as you can.
2:17 PM
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March 3, 2008 - Monday
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How One Forgets...
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Friends
There are those people who come into your life, and at that moment they are the most important people in our life. They help in maintaining your beliefs, hopes, and dreams. They are in and out your true friend. They see you for who you are and yet, they still stand by you. They respect you, love you, and care for you more than you care for yourself. You feel proud to call them friend.
I am sad to say that there are four individuals that meet this criteria in my life, that I have not been as good to. I met them while I was in Basic Training at Fort Lost In The Woods. They were the only people I trusted at the time, I loved them as only another soldier could love another sodlier, but I have not maintained as good comunication as I could have. They were my sisters in arms... and I miss them dearly.
I have always remembered to stay in contact with those who were there for me through my (early) trying times. Yet, I forget those who their for me on adventures I chose. For so many months these indiniduals kept me sane when so many lost it. They were there to remind me that it was not personal, they reminded me to laugh, to cry when needed, and adventually to just push it out. I loved basic training, but in the end it was only because I had these friends. They made life bearable. I had people to talk to about love, life, and everything in between.
I have forgotten the importance of these individuals, and how much they meant to me.
I returned to the real world...a world with out constant watch, and forgot in the meantime what these people offered. They were kindered souls, who thought as I did, who recognised the importance of trying. They recognised the importance of forming friendships. They recognised the importance of being true to oneself.
I have not forgotten these people, yet I have not maintained contact with these people. I was released and automattically returened to old ways.
I never forgot these people, and still hold them to the highest esteem. But they do not know that, I have never told them how much I love and care for them.
Had it not been for those few individuals I do not think I would have made it through.
I am sorry for my poor communication, I swear here and now to make better of it.
-PFC LEWIS
12:35 AM
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February 14, 2008 - Thursday
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A woman should have....
(Taken from a friends blog...I could not agree with this more)
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own even if she never wants
to or needs to...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her
dreams wants to see her in an hour...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a youth she's content to leave behind....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black
lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who
lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone
else in her family..
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a
recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a feeling of control over her destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
HOW TO QUIT A JOB,
BREAK UP WITH A LOVER,
AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its
over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't
take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...
5:19 PM
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January 26, 2008 - Saturday
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Reposting a friends blog!
Scumbags
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v249/emperorkursan/1201112146185.jpg..
To retort:
Matthew 22:36-40 "Love thy Neighbor"
John 8:2-11 KJV "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone"
I HATE when some small minded bigot decides to quote the old testament in order to justify his crackpot theory of what "his" God thinks. I believe in God. But certainly not that one. Please pass this along with all appropriate derision.
....... this could not be quoted nor stated better
2:14 AM
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November 27, 2007 - Tuesday
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This Is Great...i took this from Chris....
Current mood:  amused
Category: Religion and Philosophy
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::DISCLAIMER::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED DO NOT READ THIS!
JUST BECAUSE IN RECENT MONTHS I HAVE DECIDED TO PUT MY FAITH IN THE CHRISTIAN GOD, DOES NOT MEAN THAT I DO NOT AGREE WITH THESE POINTS MADE!
ALSO, JUST BECAUSE I AGREE WITH THESE POINTS, DOES NOT MAEN THAT I DO NOT BELIEVE IN THE CHRISTIAN GOD!
EVERYONE NEED TO LEARN TO BE MORE TOLERANT!
Top Ten Signs You're a Close Minded Fundamentalist Christian
10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.
9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.
8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.
7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!
6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.
5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.
4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."
3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.
2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.
1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.
3:53 PM
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November 9, 2007 - Friday
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Fear?
Current mood:  distressed
Category: Life
How does one deal with the fear of losing a loved one?
When one finally finds the person who completes them...who makes them feel whole, it is indescribeable! The feeling of being whole, being complete...there are no words to describe it.
How does one deal with the posibilty of losing that?
I am not talking about anouther woman taking it from me... I am talking about life. What do I do if he dies? How am I suppose to go on? I couldn't, there is no way.
I have chosen to be a part of a life style I believe in and that I have faith in. I was always on the other side though. I was always suppose to be the one going off... I was not suppose to be the waiting at home.
I must say it is a different experience...I am more afraid now...for the one I love than I ever was for myself. I do not think I can do this. I can wait at home for an answer I do not want! How do people live like this? How do I go on with life? Is there a way not to be crippled with fear? If so please answer this!
12:35 AM
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Fear?
Current mood: distressed
Category: Life
How does one deal with the fear of losing a loved one?
When one finally finds the person who completes them...who makes them feel whole, it is indescribeable! The feeling of being whole, being complete...there are no words to describe it.
How does one deal with the posibilty of losing that?
I am not talking about anouther woman taking it from me... I am talking about life. What do I do if he dies? How am I suppose to go on? I couldn't, there is no way.
I have chosen to be a part of a life style I believe in and that I have faith in. I was always on the other side though. I was always suppose to be the one going off... I was not suppose to be the waiting at home.
I must say it is a different experience...I am more afraid now...for the one I love than I ever was for myself. I do not think I can do this. I can wait at home for an answer I do not want! How do people live like this? How do I go on with life? Is there a way not to be crippled with fear? If so please answer this!
12:35 AM
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October 27, 2007 - Saturday
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Religon
Current mood:  indescribable
Category: Religion and Philosophy
Anyone who is anyone knows that for many years I have struggled with my faith in religon. For many years, I have found religon lacking. I have asked many questions, and debated many philosiphies. Only now do I think I was the one in the wrong.
I do not know how to explain how I came about this thought. All anyone needs to know is that I have. I have been wrong...God does exist. My heart weeps for the many years that I debated this fact...
I prayed to be strong, I asked over and over again, and when I htought he failed me, I gave up hope. Who was I to know that instead of giving me strength, he gave me the opportunity to be strong. Since I was seventeen I have been called strong, yet I have always disagreed.
People who are strong are not suppose to cry, they are not suppose to give in. Oh, how I was wrong. People who are strong keep going. They may feel weak and down troden; they may feel completely defeated, yet they go on. That is what the strong do. It is only now that I realize what I have accomplished. Most who have walked in my shoes have fallen, given up. I did not.
I am not special. I am not claiming to be. I am simply saying that I now realize I was never walking alone. He was always with me, even when I claimed not to know him. I thank him not for not giving up on me, and for always believing in me!
4:23 AM
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October 14, 2007 - Sunday
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WHOO-WHOO’S, HO-HO’S, and HOOKERS FROM HEAVEN
Category: Friends
It is hilarious to hear a grown man call a vagina a whoo-whoo.
To further explain matters, it makes it more hiarious when it is your own fiance that makes the statement. Jason and I were having what seemed to be a normal conversation about the possibility of children in our future when this seemingly sipmle phrase was made. Needless to say I was beside myself with uncontrollable laughter.
To make matters worse the only thought that came to my mind was how does one make a whoo-whoo? I shouls not have gone there because the very next thougth to come to mind was that to make one whoo-whoo, one must take two ho-ho's turn them so that they are not facing each other and drill a hole into them thus connectung them.
So to catch every one up, one needs two ho-ho's for every one whoo-whoo.
Add to this disturbing yet growing the conversation the movie Evan Almighty, and the only logical conclusion is Hookers from heaven, set to the theme song Stairs to Heaven. I can only imagine or wonder if Micheal London ever encountered these mystical hookers.
Some might not find this funny at all, but it did have me laughing for hours on end. Hope you all enjoy.
8:00 AM
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September 14, 2007 - Friday
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Life
I was asked today if I still wrote. It is something that I once did all the time. I loved writting, expressing ym thoughts in well written; though usually not understood poems. The thought of using nature to descibe the turmoil in my soul brought me peace. It was when i decided to become technical with my writtings did I no longer find it a joy to do. I was more caught up in how other people would percieve my work that I no longer found joy in what I was doing. I miss writting, which is funny to say as I sit here and write this. I felt so desperate to be good at something that I forgot what it was I was doing in the first place. I was writting to release the thoughts that I would otherwise feel were inapporpriate to speak. I was writting to vent the anger in my life. I was writting not for others but for myself.
I was also asked today whether or not I would ever go back to Ohio. The answer to that would be no. I plan on having my wedding there, but other than that I cannot see myself going back. I have succesfully made myself a blacksheep. My family is so close, everyone knows everything, everyone lives so close to each other. At this point in my life I am so far behind in all things concerning my family. I do not feel that my moving back would be welcome, nor do I feel my family and I could ever see eye to eye on a lot of things. I love my family, and I miss them very much. I however, do not feel that I belong within their ranks.
2:24 AM
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August 7, 2007 - Tuesday
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Thoughts of Home
Thoughts of home can be one of two things. It could be a happy memory, held in reverence and esteme. It could also be a haunting, something that threatens to destroy everything good in your life. I am not talking about having a tortured past or an angry childhood. I am talking about missing the one place were one feels safe and at ease. I am talking about being homesick.
For the longest time while living in Savannah allI ever wanted to do was leave. I hated the place. I thought that it was too constricting...everyone knew everyone. I realize now that I had no idea of what I was talking about.
Do not get me wrong, I am not complaining about the current state of my life. My life for the most part is going almost perfectly, except I am not in Savannah.
How is that ONE place can have such an influence on a person? The way they speak, think, imagine, the fact that the scent of said place can bring back a flood of memories.
To say that I miss what I have come to call home is an understatement. I feel a longing or some might say a callling to go back. I would not be happy though, as much as I miss my home, I would miss my love more. I would not be ending things, merely continuing them from a disstance. Is a city worth the trouble I would be putting myself through.
A very mature part me says to stop crying...man up, get over this. The other part me say this is the only home I have ever had. Who is to say that I cannot find home elsewhere. I do not know what to think.
I know I am sad, I know that I want things to work out, I know that I miss Savannah, I miss my friends, the ones that are my family. It hurts to talk to them, because I do not know what more to say. How do I explain that I want to be there with them, but can't. I know they understand, but it still hurts that I have put a lot of them through so much.
This is all for now.
12:32 AM
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July 27, 2007 - Friday
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Life
I HATE LIFE...AND MOST PEOPLE THAT INCLUDED WITH IT...THATS ALL FOR NOW.
3:41 AM
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June 7, 2007 - Thursday
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Tears
Current mood:  sad
I just want to cry. I do not know why this is happening, I was fine all day. I just want to cry right now! Nothing has happened to prompt this, my life is wonderful and yet I feel overwhelmingly sad right now. Sometimes I question my sanity.
7:55 PM
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Amazing Poem!!!!!!!!!!!
Not mine, but I love this ... thought I'd share it ...
"I am Meth"
"I am Meth"
I destroy homes, I tear families apart, I'll take your children, and that's just the start.
I'm more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold, the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.
If you need me, remember I'm easily found, I live all around you - in schools and in town.
I love with the rich; I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door.
I'm made in a lab, but not like you think, I can be made under the kitchen sink.
In your child's closet, and even in the woods, if this scares you to death, well it certainly should.
I have many names, but there's one you know best, I'm sure you've heard of me, my name is crystal meth.
My power is awesome; try me you'll see, but if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go, but try my twice, and I'll own your soul.
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie, you do what you have to-just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charms will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms.
You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad, when you see their tears, you should feel sad.
But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised, I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from god, and separate friends.
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always - right by your side.
You'll give up everything - your family, your home, your friends, your money, then you'll be all alone.
I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give, when I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned - this is no game, if given the chance I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind, I'll own you completely, your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed, the voices you'll hear, from inside your head.
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see, I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.
But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart, that you are mine, and we shall not part.
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do, but you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen, many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away, if you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I'll be your master, you will be my slave, I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do? Will you try me or not? It's all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell, Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.
6:07 PM
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June 4, 2007 - Monday
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MIND SLOWLY SLIPPING.......
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers
 CRAZY.....I AM SLOWLY BEING DRIVEN CRAZY.........
8:25 PM
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