The Tootsie Roll Economy
Current mood: handsome
Category: Life
The other day I sat on my bed and sorted a year's worth of nickels, dimes and pennies. I didn't have a reason to sort them, other than the twelve-month stretch since the last occasion, but thought maybe I'd discover an old wheat penny within the mounds of coins.
I did. Two of them.
But the world is seldom that magical. Most of the time things are moving too fast for us to appreciate and when the adverse becomes true, and each second stares us dead in the face, we only then realize how truly lucky we are during those average fleeting moments.
Once in a great while, if we discover time moving at a comfortable rate and cleverly combined with solidarity, we are allowed an instance of reflection. For as much as we question, blame and accuse God – at least he/she/it/everything/nothing gives us some time to ourselves now and again.
… so I counted out the loose change resting in the same Tootsie Roll Bank given to me as a youngster. To be honest, the Tootsie Roll Bank has seen better days. The weight of the coins over the years has bloated the cardboard cylinder, which also features several burns from its use as an ashtray during college.
But the Tootsie Roll Bank still serves its purpose; it holds my loose change. This time around the total was thirty-eight dollars. No shit.
The coins were placed in Ziploc bags and together, the coins and I, we were off to the bank.
I remember watching the bank tellers pouring my coins into their counting machines as a kid, anxious to see if my arithmetic was correct. Something about the process made my coin-hoarding all the more worthwhile.
But those wonderful machines don't make money for banks, and have since been removed. If you want to use one of those cool coin counters you have to go to a supermarket where the CoinStar System will charge a flat percentage against the money deposited.
Bullshit. I refuse to use it.
In the past, the bank employees took my word for the total deposited and dropped the money directly into the account. Those were the days: "Take coins to the bank and you can grab dollar bills equivalent to your deposit at your discretion."
COINS: MONEY.
"I'm sorry, sir," the teller explained. "To deposit this money it must be in the appropriate coin sleeves."
"Coin sleeves?" I asked.
"Yes." She pushed a handful of the paper rolls through the teller window.
I sighed. "Is there somewhere I can sit?"
She pointed me toward a large desk usually reserved for a loan specialist. And there I sat, counting thirty-eight dollars worth of coins and placing them inside individual sleeves.
I thought about shaving a coin off each roll, maybe to teach the bank a lesson. After all, if a bank can't count your money then what the fuck is it good for? Thankfully my satisfaction came in the form of inquisitive customers. The fun started as the first customer, a middle-aged woman, approached me.
Keep in mind; I'm wearing mesh shorts and flip-flops while sitting next to a cardboard Tootsie Roll Bank and thirty-eight dollars in coins. "Do I talk to you about a home loan?" she asked.
"You can if you want," I replied. "But you should probably wait until the market really hits rock-bottom. Check back in after Christmas."
Another man approached after eight or nine more rolls of coins were fitted snugly. "How can I protect my money?" he asked.
"Tootsie Roll containers are the most stable investment I can think of," I replied.
"Tootsie Rolls?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied. "A few coins a day. It can really add up."
"What about long-term investments?" he asked. "What about the economy?"
"I used to be a youngster," I replied. "And the Tootsie Roll is still here."
He nodded.
And the Tootsie Roll Container remains intact; bloated and boastfull and scared - as the boy who first held its responsibility.
The Perfect Way to Pick Up Women at a Bar
Current mood: handsome
Category: Life
This isn't a step-by-step guide to a successful one night stand. It's not exclusive to men either. This technique - this gift that I'm giving you - is a way to introduce yourself to the opposite sex in a way that is simply too good to turn down.
And it has worked every time. Every. Time.
What we have here is an "in" for you and your friends at a bar or a social function. What you do with your opportunity is ultimately up to you. Think about it. Take it in. Tell your friends about the gift...
... You'll need at least three people in your group. More is acceptable but only if the female counterparts you plan on approaching total a sum equal or greater than your own.
The best part about this technique is that only one person in your group needs to make the pitch to the women in question. This person should be a smooth talker - not a ladies man per say but able to communicate effectively and with a calm cadence in the presence of the opposite sex. We'll call him GUY A.
GUY A approaches the group of females (LADIES A, B and C). GUYS B and C sit 20 yards away and pay no attention.
GUY A arrives at the ladies' table and says, "Hello."
GUY A becomes instantly non-threatening: "My name is Jason. I just want you to know that I'm in no way hitting on you. I'm in love with a girl who gets off work in two hours and when she gets home I'll be there waiting for her."
… God damn that's good. Work it.
"The reason I'm here is because I have two buddies with me tonight. They're good guys with a lot going for them and I'd like them to meet some new people (GUY A points out GUYS B and C across the bar). If they knew I was talking to you right now they'd probably kick my ass."
"Here's what I'm suggesting: if you'd like to meet these friends of mine tell the bartender to put your next round on the Sereno tab and sit down with us for a while. If you don't think there is anything special about them - no big deal. Enjoy the rest of your drink and have a great night. But if you hit it off with one of them don't be afraid to hang out for a while."
"Either way - you all look great and I hope you have fun this evening."
… Maybe that is a little too thick at the end. Confidence is to cheesiness the same way hops is to malt; your confidence can balance out any mistakes your mouth makes - up to a certain point.
Here are a few variations to this method. which works every time:
+++ Some women think that a stranger talking to them at a bar is somehow loathsome and inappropriate. For those women I would say, "Stop going to the fucking bar." If GUY A's first "hello" gets a negative response from one of the ladies - his job during the next few moments is to win over that Debby Downer. Make her an evangelist and the rest is downhill.
+++Don't think a bachelorette party improves your chances either. Every bachelorette party has a cock blocker. Her life's mission is to be a starting Cock Goalie in the National Cockblocking League: "We came here together and we're leaving together too, Janet! Don't give that creep your number!"
Larger groups will have marginal characters such as this so find the fun-loving parties of women traveling in packs of threes, fours and fives.
+++Guy A doesn't have to be in a relationship but it gives him plausibility if he has nothing to lose from the initial conversation. GUY A can be made a target by one of the home-wrecking women in the group so - if single - he is on the inside track of deception.
But JasonSereno.com does not endorse deception of any kind.
Use the gift for good.
If you'd like to see the technique in action - start a tab and give me a call.
So did anyone else notice the shot of George Jr. talking to the President of Russia during the Olympics Opening Ceremony? It wasn't hard to read their lips.
George W. asked, "tomorrow?"
The President of Russia nodded.
The announcer said they must have been talking about the drumming exhibition. But it seems like they were talking about the invasion of Georgia the following morning.
Nearly Bought the Farm
Current mood: lucky duck
Category: lucky duck Religion and Philosophy
I had a small brush with death last week involving my speeding bicycle, a suddenly opened car door and a trailing SUV. It could have been bad. Real bad.
As you may have deduced, a commuter on the side of the street popped his door open while I was biking down the busy road. Scared shitless, I turned the handlebars to the left to avoid ramming the door face-first at 20 mph but, unbeknown to me, there was an SUV closely trailing behind my bike.
The next few moments seemed to go by in slow-motion; my right handlebar clipped the car door, which turned the wheel perpendicular to the upcoming intersection and nearly threw me overtop the bike. While I was struggling to stay on, the SUV's tires squealed behind me. A fall from the bike meant a fall from this mortal coil.
Thankfully the impact of the car door, which threw my right arm off the handlebar and turned the wheel sideways, caused me to make a B-line for the sidewalk. The bike snuck in between two other parked cars and, lying across the handlebars like a surfer paddling toward a wave, I somehow reached safety.
A woman on the sidewalk gawked.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
"I'm fucking pissed," I replied. "Motherfucker son of a bitch asshole cocksucker motherfucker." (Or something similar, the adrenaline was really pumping.)
The door-opener was long gone, so I pedaled home. And then it was back to work. Today was the first time I thought about being potentially splattered across the pavement. It wouldn't be a real good look for me.
So no more street riding for Sereno. I'm sticking to the bike path on the beach.
A SCI-FI INTERLUDE: Marina del Rey on a Dreary Monday
Current mood: chipper
Category: Life
I've been sitting in front of the computer a lot lately, so much that my balls have developed their own groove in this chair (slides to the left). That's better.
While sitting in front of a computer usually means I'm writing - actual writing versus pitching, reading, taking notes, going to kinkos, assembling scripts, going to meetings and thinking about writing - we are no doubt in agreement that staying glued to this damn screen for any extended length of time is unhealthy.
So yesterday I decided to venture out into the world. And what better world to invade on a hot summer day than the beach?
... The beach was closed unfortunately. Too much sewage had leaked in, according to the signs posted every 100 feet across the sand. You know what else is shitty?
DVD releases that ruin franchises. You can't fit the beauty of Ariel on a disc! Only the big screen can withstand her power.
Discouraged by the filthy water, the sun's sudden disappearance and the death of a beloved animated icon, I walked to the adjacent Marina del Rey and saw something that made me laugh-out-loud (LOL for anyone 20 years old or younger).
After laughing for a spell, I fell into deep thought. Below is a poem penned that afternoon. We'll call it Marina del Rey on a Dreary Monday.
Marina del Rey on a Dreary Monday
Several thick ships push through the chilly Pacific waves, between lesser crafts of fiberglass and balsa wood.
Some return from the fickle sea, unhappy with its choppiness and gray shade. Others venture out to find a break in the clouds, a golden jolt from the June gloom.
The marina rocks count each familiar sail. They shout the horsepower of every motor. Beneath the seagull shit and scraps of shell, welcoming weary travelers home.
SCI-FI SONGS HAS LANDED AT JASONSERENO.COM !!!
Current mood: SCI-FI
Category: SCI-FI Music
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: Jason Sereno JasonSereno.com Jason_sereno@yahoo.com
JASON SERENO IS PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THE RELEASE OF SCI-FI SONGS, AN OUT-OF-THIS WORLD DIGITAL MIXTAPE FEATURING FOUR SONGS WITH SCIENCE-FICTION THEMES.
Los Angeles, Calif. - July 1st, 2008 - Singer/Songwriter Jason Sereno has released a concept album that is truly out of this world. SCI-FI SONGS, landing July 1st, 2008 at JasonSereno.com, is a digital mixtape with science-fiction-styled music tied together through a common narrative, inspired by unsuccessful rock operas of 1970s.
Sereno, an acoustically-minded musician with a background in comedy and vaudeville-like performances, thought of the concept after a night of binge drinking.
"I was walking to the bathroom at about 3AM," Sereno hastily recounted. "I couldn't even see straight but this idea popped in my head, so I ran back in the bedroom and asked one of the girls to write it down for me. Thankfully Sharon - or maybe Brenda - listened. For once."
Sereno also enjoys multiple partners in the recording studio, which is why he enlisted the help of longtime friend and fellow axe-wielder T-Dogg for the SCI-FI songwriting process.
"T-Dogg was crucial in the creation of the storylines and lyrics for SCI-FI SONGS," Sereno begrudgingly admitted. "He was the one who suggested we utilize the guitar as the focal point for the album instead of synths and drum machines. Too bad he won't see a dime from the record sales because nothing in our agreement was ever in writing. Dumbass."
Rounding out the group is Cremer, Hollywood's premier voiceover actor and narrator of the album.
"Cremer's talent is truly unmatched," Sereno fondly recalled. "He added so much to the project that I couldn't imagine SCI-FI SONGS without him, but he won't be receiving any monetary compensation either. Once again - nothing in writing. Duh."
SCI-FI SONGS consists of:
RocketShip Guitar: A boy receives a guitar from his birthday but when he plugs in the instrument it transforms into a rocketship that takes him on an intergalactic journey.
Dimensions: The party started in the first dimension. But things get weirder… er.
TimeTraveler Love Song: A time traveler finds the love us his life… but when he travels back to meet the woman of his dreams he can only speak in Spanglish - an unfortunate side-effect of time travel.
CarPlanes: In the future… there are no cars. There are no planes. There are only CarPlanes.
Cremer's Promos: An incredible assortment of inappropriate radio commercials (bonus track).
Although the recordings are meant to be heard sequentially - at least the first time - Sereno insists every tune is exceptional in its own right because of the combinations of style, substance and tone within each track.
"I'm really friggin' proud of the music we've put together," Sereno boasted. "We have full-on guitar solos, insane effects, gripping lyrics, influences from rock, punk, hip-hop and latin styles, as well as a complete storyline that is far more epic and moving than any post-apocalyptic Kevin Costner film."
Sereno is confident that the SCI-FI SONGS team's hardwork will payoff - at least for him - because the album speaks to an untapped audience in today's music market.
"No longer will the nerds and dweebs of the world be forced to stay home on Friday night to watch reruns of Battlestar Galactica," Sereno proclaimed. "They now have a voice. They have a rhythm in their hearts. They have SCI-FI SONGS."
SCI-FI SONGS is available for download at JasonSereno.com and the official MySpace page for JasonSereno.com (http://www.myspace.com/sereno) for the low-low price of $4.99. Although only five tracks long, SCI-FI SONGS is an epic tale that spans light-years on its way to the 25-minute running time.
Jason Sereno is a film and television writer living in Los Angeles. He retired from performing music three years ago at age 23 but remains a studio musician for self-penned concept albums. More info at JasonSereno.com.
To say that EVERYTHING is happening at once would be an understatement. Everything, and a few new items now incorporated into the new version everything, is happening all at once. Some of the biggest parts of everything must still remain confidential, but here is some news I can share:
… I am now a writer for a late night television talk show. I can't disclose the name of the program but it is on a major network and has a pretty good audience. It's also pretty funny - and about to get funnier. But this is on a per-joke basis. No shit.
… I am now in charge of West Coast Sales for SpotZero (http://spotzerowater.com). SpotZero provides owners of sailing vessels with the purest water on water. It's a reverse-osmosis water filtration system that is installed conveniently within a vessel and produces water purer than that sold by bottled water companies. The purity of the water also means that you won't need to chamois (sounds like "shammy") your boat after cleaning it. Just Spray and Walk Away!
If you don't have a boat - you could just stick one of these bad boys in your house and enjoy the finest water on the planet every day. If you do have a boat… what are you waiting for? Jason (at) spotzerwater.com
… SCI-FI Songs has been mastered and the people at JasonSereno.com are confident that it is going to rock your world. To those of you who are fans of Sereno ballads, you're in for the best one to date - including not one… not two… but THREE guitar solos. Below is a brief synopsis of the tracks, which are available for purchase NOW but have not been uploaded to the profile yet. Press materials coming soon for the official launch…
1. RocketShip Guitar - A boy gets a guitar for his birthday… but it's not just any guitar. When plugged in, the guitar becomes a rocketship and takes him on an intergalactic journey.
2. Dimensions - The party started in the first dimension, but things keep getting weirder…er.
3. TimeTraveler Love Song - A man from the future travels back in time to meet the love of his life… but every time he finds his love he can only speak in Spanglish (an unfortunate side-effect of time travel)
4. CarPlanes - In the future, there are no cars. There are no planes. There are only CARPLANES.
There is also a **BONUS TRACK** that features promos from Cremer, the narrator of SCI-FI Songs. This kid is going to be a star. Real soon like. Simply devastating. There will be a video contest for SCI-FI Songs in the near future, but that can wait for now… S- S- Synergy!!!
… FORSAKEN, a short that I penned, is being shot in early September. Forsaken is a story about a boy whose parents forsake him to Satan in exchange for wealth and power. But when Satan returns 10 years later to claim the boy, we discover Lucifer is an awkward and anxious foster-parent type. Hilarity ensues.
There are still a few roles yet to be cast. If you're interested in being a part of the biggest and best short film ever made (or will ever be made) please don't hesitate to contact me (jason_sereno AT yahoo.com). My friends at 2one7pro.com and I will be casting during the next month.
… The Cubs are good. If they win the World Series this year I will get a tattoo to commemorate the victory. I've been wearing this stupid Believe Bracelet for the last three and a half years anyway. This is the year. I can feel it.
… Maybe I should write a horror movie? They're pretty cheap to make and for some reason horror movies end up in theaters. None of them seem too complex; half-naked super-sexy female lead, some scary (and sometimes rarely-seen) monsters, and both likeable and extremely unlikable characters dying in several disgusting ways.
One thing is for sure though - if I ever do write a horror movie there won't be any scary kids in it. For a while there it seemed like every horror flick that came out had some little dipshit kid talking with a dubbed-over voice while sitting in a solemn room.
Motherfuck a kid. I'll beat a kid's ass. They don't scare me. Even if that little bastard has a scorpion crawling out of his mouth, I'm still not going to run up the stairs and lock myself in the bathroom because a grey-skinned 8-year-old recites a nursery rhyme. If anything I'd take him to the hospital because his grey skin could indicate a ruptured spleen.
Learning together! That's what we're all about at JasonSereno.com.
… Speaking of the number one source for Jason Sereno news and gossip… Friday night I was really whoring out my business card. Hard. So much that the people I was with were amazed - and no doubt embarrassed - by my moves, which included:
"Excuse me. Did you drop this? … No? Well keep it anyway. It looks like you could use some help in terms of strategic media planning."
"Do you know any wordsmiths? You do now. Keep it real."
"Do you have a copy of my business card? How foolish of me."
"… Sounds great. Do you have a card? No? You can borrow mine."
"You're doing cocaine after the bar? Don't use a credit card to chop up those lines, pal. Use this…"
The whoring of the card is acceptable though, because it's part of the magic trick that is JasonSereno.com. First, I shove the card in the person's hand at a loud and busy nightclub. Second, that person goes to the web site where the delivery of the card is referenced: "I hope you didn't get a paper cut while I was shoving that beautiful bastard in your palm." Do you know any other web sites that act as a magic trick? No.
And so the whoring must continue…
… on the feature-length screenplay side of things, I am ramping up to start another project. This one will be a low-budget hero movie of the same vein as The Boy Who Could Fly. Super-sexy stuff. It should be finished before the start of football season, if everything goes as planned.
Recent Happenings that Have Happened
Current mood: handsome
Category: Parties and Nightlife
It's been a while.
A lot of stuff has happened. But don't worry; I'm still sporting the chin magic. That will never change.
The shit of it is ... I can't share with you what has been happening in my life. "It" has to remain confidential. But be rest assured, stuff has been happening. Has it ever!
You'll be the first to know when the other shoe drops. I don't want to jinx myself, but "it" feels like a real likelihood. A definite maybe. A possible certainty. A long shot but a hard bet not to make. And "it" is going to kick ass.
Something else that kicks ass? Yesterday I opened the armrest in my car and found half a bag of beef jerky.
Enough about me. What has been happening lately?
********************* The Chicago Bears just dropped super-dipshit running back Cedric Benson from the team before the start of training camp due to off-the-field issues (not to mention the atrocities on the field).
I'll miss Benson, who played second-fiddle scapegoat to Rex Grossman, because he truly sucked in a brand new way I never knew about or thought could be possible. His career in Chicago was a true learning experience. Goodbye, C-Bo. Thanks for the memories…
********************* In related news, some analysts think the Bears should pick up free agent Shaun Alexander. Wait until about 50 seconds into this video and see if you agree.
Highlights 0:45 "God was like, oh she's cool..." 2:12 "Wow, God. I don't even have to try…" 2:57 "What happened is I became really, really smart." 3:13 "Didn't even kiss my wife until I was married."
********************* The Wild World of Sports received a swift kick in the protective gear this past weekend when Big Brown, the would-be Triple Crown-winning racehorse, choked big-time at the Belmont Stakes.
The spectators at the track, who bet a collective sum near $6 million on Big Brown to win, reportedly started jumping off the grandstands like in that creepy M. Night Shyamalan movie.
********************* Out: Dane Cook.In: David Cook.
********************* Last December my buddy from college came out to visit for the Rose Bowl. We were leaving a club on Hollywood Blvd. one night when we saw a cop draw his gun and point it in the face of some guys who were scrapping. And THERE is your Hollywood adventure.
********************* Last weekend I went to the Ink and Iron Festival at the Queen Mary in Long Beach, California. Ink and Iron is the third-rated tattoo convention/festival in terms of coolness in the United States. Or so I'm told by this dude:
I saw a very cute young girl waiting in line at the festival. She was maybe 23 with a real face for television - or print perhaps. Sort of a girl-next-door look going on. Definitely bankable.
… but then I watched in horror as she handed some fellow a few bills and asked for a rod to be inserted through the inner lobe of her ear. So much for the girl next door look.
The "artist" - part scorpion or lizard - performing the piercing had small metal rods shoved underneath his skin, which bulged through his flesh and resembled ulcers or a bone after a bad break. Some of the hidden metal pieces were in the form of bulbs or cones while others, more jagged and no doubt painful, lay sporadically throughout his arms, back and chest.
"What a hobby," I thought. "If only someone would have given him a basketball ten years ago instead of shards of scrap metal."
********************* Out: David Cook. Yep - already.
Something about that guy is just not right. I smell a secret.
********************* Gas just went up again. It's now $7.75 a gallon.
But seriously - do you think any of these tankers carrying this crude oil across the Atlantic ever have to layoff employees due to the high prices of fuel?
"Sorry, Bill. We have to let you go."
"Why? I've worked on this ship for five years"
"It's these damn gas prices. It just costs too much for us to ship this fuel back and forth across the Atlantic. Keep your chin up, pal."
********************* I spent ten days in Illinois last month and am still recovering. While the Land of Lincoln did kick my ass, I was able to take some stimulating video: Burke and Arla's First Dance. Or most of it. I was smashed. Burk and Arla's First Dance
My New Hobby: Pretending to take pictures of people while really capturing them on video. It's a good example of how people act strange whenever the camera comes out. Kyle is the victim in this clip. My New Hobby: Kyle Gets Owned!
********************* Barack Obama is the democratic nominee for President of the United States. Several political loudmouths say Obama needs an experienced (old) running mate, particularly one with military experience, so the Republicans can't fall back on scare tactics and depict the Democratic ticket as militarily inept.
No. No. No. No. Pick John Edwards. For no other reason, pick John Edwards because he looks like Robert Kennedy. You can't get around it - the 40th anniversary of Robert Kennedy's death was just last week and people still love their RFK. They love him so much that "Bobby" was nominated for two Golden Globes. And it sucked!
"But Edwards already lost once as the vice-presidential candidate."
Anyone would've lost with Kerry in 2004. I've seen bicycles with more charisma than Kerry: my bicycle - and it's factory-built. Trust me on the Bobby Kennedy vote. I'll take nostalgia over fear any day of the week.
********************* And for a closing, I leave you with this picture:
Apparently The War on Drugs needs a real shot in the arm.
The USO is a fantastic organization. I commend it. Here is the link to support the cause: http://www.uso.org/howtohelp
But the USO acronym doesn't just represent the United Service Organization. Last week, while watching a marathon run of some Alien Conspiracy Series on a random Science Channel, I discovered another meaning for USO: Unidentified Submerged Object.
Yes, folks. Extraterrestrials are no longer confined to the skies. They also patrol the deep blue.
More alarming than the existence of USOs is the belief by many USO experts that the central hub for these underwater aliens is Catalina Island.
Perfect. Another reason to forgo the $60 ferry ride for the weekend getaway.
The idea of USOs doesn't seem too out-of-this-world (rimshot). Surely if an alien species could traverse the the deepest regions of the galaxy to reach our planet they could also patrol the deepest regions of our seas.
Galaxy: Infinite.
Seas: Seven miles at the deepest point.
It's not rocket science (rimshot).
But why Catalina Island?
The Chicago Cubs held Spring Training in Catalina from 1921-1951. You'd think if the USO conspiracy was true at least a player or two would've seen something during the 30-year stretch. (Neither Hack Wilson nor Rogers Hornsby ever commented on the phenomenon.)
I know people who travel to Catalina all the time. Not one has been swallowed into an underwater space ship or probed by a larger-than-life fishing pole rearing up from AvalonHarbor.
So maybe it's bullshit. Or maybe those contacted and abducted by these alien life forms have had their voices squelched by some secret government agency.
Perhaps the Loch Ness Monster is behind it all. And perhaps the Loch Ness Monster is just one giant USO.
That's right. A freshwater USO. I don't know if we're ready.
Let's melt those polar ice caps and drown these sons of bitches.
Weekday Wanderers - An Investigation
Current mood: determined
Category: Blogging
Today I saw what the other half lives like.
The other half. You know. Those people who manage to float along all day without the constant nagging of an occupation or pending career. I invaded their world for a few hours. I lived as they lived. I breathed their air. I complained of the bright sun and longed for shade as my scalp grew warm and frappacino slowly melted.
We joked; these carefree gentlemen and I, as we read the paper and commented on the day's news from the Fairfax Avenue Sounding Board. I didn't have the heart to tell them it was actually yesterday's news.
"Technology," one sighed. "Will outlive us all."
We talked; myself and the cigarette-toting women, while dining on Margarita Pizzas and Cabernet at 11AM on Melrose. We discussed the meaning of life and intricateness of the human condition.
"Intricateness?"
"God bless you."
They giggled. "Would you date a forty-year-old? I have this daughter..."
We took our time; the young girl on her way back from the gym and I, as we browsed the titles at Blockbuster. Which film would we invite into our afternoon? Or would we layout out on the beach instead and save the movie for after the sunset?
It didn't matter. Whatever felt right.
So who are these people wading through the day? Where are their supervisors and subordinates? How do they pay the bills? Who looks after them?
How do the Window Shoppers of the World Survive?
I'd like to know. I envy them. I hope to be one someday.
Exotic Dancers, Judging Others and the Best Film Trilogy of All Time
Current mood: dirty
Category: Blogging
I'd like to thank any exotic dancers who read this blog. Your job is tough. I've seen some of the sloppy bastards you have to grind up against and I feel for you. Keep your head up.
Last night, on a whim, I went to a strip club with some friends. It was a nice place – dimly lit, flat screen televisions, reasonably priced drinks and even an auto-detailing service. The whole nine.
I usually don't enjoy strip clubs too much. Going to a strip club is like window shopping for Lamborghinis. The dealer will reluctantly give you a test drive … but you sure as hell won't be driving one home.
Also adding to my discomfort is the perceived notion that the girls onstage are victims of some sort. You know the stereotypes – abused, battered, ridiculed, empty inside, etc… This isn't always true for the dancers but I'm sure if you were to poll those who work the pole you'd find more than a few who fit the profile.
But I don't judge dancers. They're intrepid customer service specialists who demonstrate dedicated labor under less than ideal circumstances. They're ambitious as hell too and - oddly enough for me - their ambition is more of a turn on then their nudity.
Just Kidding.
I also get along with the girls in the club because I don't put up an 'I'm hot shit' façade. I ask them how their day is going, if they'd like to sit down and take a load off or snack on my sampler platter. I take an interest in their personalities when most customers want to get straight to the dry humping.
And when it's time for the sales pitch I tell them the truth. "Star, I'll be honest with you," I say. "I don't usually get lapdances because - for me to truly enjoy an intimate moment with you – we're going to have to create a connection on an intellectual level first."
And so we talk.Then the dry humping.
As I stated before - I don't judge dancers. But here are a few types of people I do judge.
1. Those Who Blame Acronyms for Their Actions. You've seen these son of a bitches before. Whenever they're late or forget something it's always – "Oh my God. I'm so sorry. My ADD and OCD kicked into overdrive. I totally spaced."
ADD? OCD? Have these people ever stopped to think that maybe they're just plain fucking stupid? Whatever happened to being a dipshit?
If someone has OCD or ADD I sympathize with him or her; however, others shouldn't throw around these pop acronyms if they're just absent minded or negligent. Just be dumb and live with it. Works for me.
2. Mobile Phone Fanatics.At the Shopping Mall? Get off your stupid cell phone. At the Dinner Table? Get off. At the club? Nope. On an Airplane? Don't need to hear your conversation. At the movie theater? Don't do it. It's only a preview. I don't care. Get off. Stay off.
The next time you're sitting at a green light wondering why the car in front of you isn't moving … yep. That stupid shit is on his cell phone. Might even be texting. Jesus.
And don' get me started on blue tooth users. If you have a friend who uses a blue tooth earpiece do him a favor and tell him he looks ridiculous. Blue tooth headsets should be banned until flying cars become a reality. We're just not ready for them yet.
3. Bad Parents. I'm sure nothing pisses off a mom or dad more than listening to someone without kids commenting on parenthood. But today I saw this motherfucker in Venice coughing on his baby. Literally. He was coughing directly into his infant's face, which was also being hit by the hot Southern California Sun.
Then this guy reached into his mouth and dug around for a while before handling his kid again. Unreal. Babies shouldn't be coughed on or in direct sunlight. And the mouth is a disgusting place full of germs, bacteria… and plaque.
I'm pretty liberal on most issues but we really need baby-having licenses. Some people just shouldn't reproduce.
Most of them can be found at VeniceBeach.
…That's enough for now. Perhaps I'll go outside and make comments about strangers underneath my breath.
But before I go – The Back to the Future Trilogy has been on TNT this weekend. Back to the Future was the reason I first wanted to become a filmmaker. It was actually the preview of the third film after the second installment that fascinated me enough to start writing my own version of the third movie (I was nine years old and didn't understand the Hollywood System).
And – not to start a debate – but Back to the Future is the best trilogy of all time.
Star Wars – loses points for the brother/sister pair involved in a love triangle Lord of the Rings – too long Harry Potter – aren't there like sixteen of these? Godfather – hits and misses Spiderman – lame Rush Hour – close, but no cigar Disney's Aladdin – hey, two of those went straight-to-video. Disqualified.
For those fans of Back to the Future… here is a pretty funny song from Tom Wilson, the guy who plays Biff (and several relatives of Biif) in the films. Tom is a writer, actor, musician and standup comedian who wrote this song about the questions people ask him because of the famous Biff role.
JasonSereno.com Spring Preview/Convertibles Kick Ass
Category: Music
Oh Snap.
Just got back from a weekend with the family and am re-energized to destroy this spring via a Concept Album for the Ages.
Sci-Fi Songs is coming along nicely and should be ready for its digital release within the next six weeks or so.
Don’t quote me on that.
And don’t believe everything you read.
On a side not...
Convertibles Kick Ass. But you need sunglasses. And Music.
Without sunglasses and music convertibles kind of suck. The enjoyability of a convertible is also contingent upon the weather.
But you should buy one. Maybe just a T-Top. Drive it around. Put your hand up in the air. Feel the wind. Know you’re in a convertible.
"A convertible means nothing if it’s sitting in a garage."
"It’s a liabilty in winter."
But in the summer when the weather is nice, as the sun is setting and the road opens up, raise your hand and grab the wind. Just know you’re in a convertible.
And whenever you get to where you’re going and someone asks why your hair is a mess and cheakbones are flush
The Blog is on Hiatus.
Current mood: crazy
Category: Blogging
Craziness has crept into my life.
- Pitching my screenplay (download Lake Effect at JasonSereno.com ;) - Starting the next screenplay - Recording a new album (Sci-Fi Songs coming this Spring) - Writing shorts to be produced in the coming months - and a possible new business venture with a buddy of mine from High School involving reverse osmosis and sailing vessels. No shit.
And then there is my 9 to 5 job (actually it's 8 to 5), which is also becoming increasingly demanding.
... So we've been forced to make some cutbacks at JasonSereno.com.
The first cutback: the blog. At the moment the blog brings in no revenue. So it's out. Flat on its ass. If you're one of 250+ people who read it every week - thanks... and sorry. I'm not saying the blog is gone forever - but it won't be appearing every Monday. And, let's face it, I've been mailing it in the last few weeks anyway.
... I've never wanted to be one of those people who proclaim to be a jack-of-all- trades. When I'm at a bar and a girl hands me a business card that reads "singer/actress/model/comedian" I cringe. Pick one for Shit's Sake.
This type of thinking led me to give up music a few years ago. To be considered a serious journalist, or screenwriter, I felt I had to put up the six strings - even though they'd help pay my way through four years of college.
Three years later - I'm back in the studio and recording again. It's great. And much different.
This new project, Sci-Fi Songs, has a lot going for it both artistically and commercially. Don't be surprised if I'm on the road playing technical colleges and Comic-Con Conventions this time next year. HaHa!
Sci-Fi Songs is a concept album, in which every song has a Science Fiction theme. The first song, for instance, is about a boy who gets a guitar for his birthday. Simple enough. But when he plugs in the guitar and starts to play the instrument it turns into a rocket ship and takes him on an intergalactic adventure.
Shit like that. Also included; A Time Traveler's Lament, The Party Song (Dimensions), and the future of automobiles... CarPlanes - as well as a few other gems. All the songs will be intertwined into a narrative with special narration by Cremer, who should be a bonafide star shortly after the project's release.
Just as with my screenwriting projects, which are scheduled in advance for the next two years, I also have my music projects lined up the same way. After Sci-Fi songs will be three more concept albums; Sereno's Skeletons, Driving and Public.
So until another viral video chills me to the bone, a national epidemic infuriates me or a slew of headlines rattle my cage... I'll be working. And having fun.
Until then... I'll leave you with this.
Forget everything you know about Britney Spears, and wrap your head around this one: Britney Spears' sister is named Jamie-Lynn Spears.
Her dad's name is James.
Her mom's name is Lynne.
So Britney Spears' parents named her younger sister, Jamie-Lynn, after both her Mother and Father.
That is most redneck shit I've ever seen or heard.
Absinthe has recently become decriminalized in the United States. So – I decided to buy a bottle today. Today is Sunday - yesterday for those of you who are reading this on Monday. Whoa… am I talking to the future?
First Drink: This shit tastes horrible. I'd rather drink Campari straight, which reminds me of an old bar trick I learned in college that goes like this… find someone celebrating their birthday at a bar. Buy a round of shots for that person and their friends. Tell the bartender (secretly) to pour everyone else in the group shots of cranberry juice. Give the birthday boy or girl the Campari. If they can hold down that disgusting crap… they win. Usually they spew all over the place. Birthdays are fun.
But I press on…
Second Drink: Still tastes really bad. I've added more sugar cubes, which is one-third of the usually drinking mix. The other two-thirds are the Absinthe and Water. Actually, I suppose there are two ingredients – Absinthe and sugar water. Everything is relative. Hey, was that a bird that just flew into my living room? Weird.
Third Drink: Last week I saw an ambulance driving the wrong way down a boulevard. It must have been an emergency. It's hard to tell if I'm feeling euphoric or just getting plain drunk. This stuff is 50 percent alcohol so who knows? Wait… maybe I'm feeling something?
Fourth Drink: Nope. Just drunk I think. Wait… no … yep. Just drunk. Are you telling me that Van Gough cut off his ear because of this Green Fairy Drink? No way. He was just nuts. His self-portrait is on the box of Absinthe. One of his descendants probably makes money from that. I wish I had a super-crazy dead relative I could make money from. That would be nice.
Fifth Drink: I also wish I didn't have so many tribal masks in my apartment. They kind of give me the creeps. At least they aren't talking to me. Yet. One of them winked at me.
Sixth Drink: This stuff tastes great. Wait… no. That was the coffee cake I've had in the fridge since last Thursday. That stuff was good. What is this green stuff I'm drinking? Oh yah… Absinthe.
Seventh Drink: Amare Stoudamire and Elton Brand have similar skill sets. I love watching NBA Basketball on Sundays. Who am I typing this to? I guess I'll ask one of the tribal masks…
Eighth Drink: It took me a good 20 minutes to spell "eighth" correctly. Oh snap, the Oscars are on tonight. Jon Stewart is funny. I think I'll read the World History Book that has been gathering dust on my shelf for the last year.
Ninth Drink: Finished that book. Khrushchev was no better than Stalin.
Tenth Drink: AP isn't a style. It's a format. One of the Tribal Masks just told me to stop typing. I'm taking him out for fish tacos tonight. Should be fun.
handsome
chipper
amused
determined
dirty
crazy
breezy