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MITCH HEDBERG JOKES
Current mood:  amused
I copied this from a tribute page. Some FUNNY stuff...
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several...simultaneously with two other guys... that look exactly like me.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, You'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.
people think I'm into sports just because I'm a man. I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason. Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too, or does that lightning bolt mean "no?"
Yeah, I'm not into sports. If I had athlete's foot, my first reaction would be, "That's not my fuckin' foot."
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
The flap on the inside of the vending machine is a great invention. Before that it was tough times for the vending machine owner. "Hey, which candy bar are you getting?" "That one....and every one on the bottom row!"
All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "prices and participation may vary." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in shit. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. "You got Big Macs?" "Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets."
I had a bag of Fritos, but these were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summer time, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. "Better flip that Frito, Dad. You know how I like mine: with grill marks."
I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes.
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again." Apparently I was in a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. "C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top."
I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!"
I had a box of Ritz crackers and on the back of the box of Ritz crackers it had all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. It said, "Try it with turkey and cheese." "Try it with peanut butter." Oh, c'mon man, they're crackers. That's why I got 'em I like crackers. There ain't no suggestion: "Put a Ritz on top of a Ritz." I didn't buy 'em 'cuz they're little edible plates.
I don't have a microwave but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
Once I saw this wino who was eating grapes, and I said, "Dude, you have to wait".
Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica, 'cuz the dude didn't even get his degree.
A waffle is like a pancake with syrup traps.
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
I make instant oatmeal in the morning then I don't do shit for an hour. Makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I could make the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I'll just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend? "Dont even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's back home in the file... under 'D', for doughnut."
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
My friend said to me, "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No, man, it's not the weather that is trippy. Perhaps it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should have just said, 'yeah.'"
I can't tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.
I'm at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, "Can I use the phone?" I said, "Certainly." He said, "Do I need to dial nine?" "Yeah, especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."
I went to a friend's house, he said, "You have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity, got me again. You know how bad I wanna sleep on the wall.
I would imagine that if you could understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
I was walking by a drycleaner at 3 AM and there was a sign that said, "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 AM and you're a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, "Hey, I was here at 3 AM and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"
I was in a convenience store reading a magazine and the clerk came up to me and said "This is not a library". so I said, "Alright, I will talk louder then!"
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that the map will not fall down.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was so damn literal.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I hate turtlenecks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtleneck it's like being strangled by a really weak guy ... all day. And if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
I was at a club and they had blacklights everywhere. A blacklight is a light that makes everyone look cool... except me, 'cause I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
I tried to throw away a yo-yo. It was fucking impossible.
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. Damn. I think that the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around, then when I finally make it in the guy will say "can I help you sir" and I'll say "Just practicing"
Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying, "Here you throw this away."
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin' and hook up with them later.
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
I want to be a race car passenger; just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Can I prop my feet up here? I need to go to the bathroom. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? You need to take a right. Man, you really like Tide ..."
I have a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one ever needed to sleep over, I guess he'd be comfortable. Oh, you're a king you say? Wait until you see what I have in store for you...it is to your exact specifications...I think I can hook your lady friend up too....When I was a kid, I used to lie awake in my twin bed wonderin' where my brother was...
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I type at one hundred and one words a minute. But it's in my own language.
I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly ...
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-22222. I would say sweet. People would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough."
Kinko's is my favourite copy place cause it's open 24 hours, like if it's three in the morning, and I suddenly decide I need two of something, I'm covered. Sometimes I will wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, "shit... oh ya, Kinko's... alright, that will not remain singular"
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that ... day.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want them to, you know, I'm like, "Hey, hold on fellas, lemme aprehend one of yous... and feed you a leaf."
I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry,".............. so it died.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one's the real hero?
I had a coldsore, and I put carmex on it cuz carmex is supposed to heal coldsores. I dunno if it does , but it will make them shiny and more noticeable, maybe Carmex will make a cold sore highlighter or a cold sore arrow.
I thought my teeth were white, until I washed my face with Noxzema. They're not white, they're off-white. Hell, I'm not even white, I'm off-white. We're a new race, we will prevail!
I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut 'em up."
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish; they just want to make it late for something. Why were you late ? I got caught ! Show me the inside of your lip !
I got an ant farm. Them fellas don't grow shit. I said, "how about some celery? Besides, if I ripped your legs and arms off, you would look like snowmen."
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
In Kilkenny Ireland, they don't have anything American over there, it's very cool. But they did have a Subway sandwich shop. That was the one thing they had American, and that became the American Embassy to me. I would go out into a bar and piss off an Irish dude and have him chase me into a Subway. I said, "Dude, I'm sorry, but you're out of your jurisdiction. But you can have a cold cut combo to go."
I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck, and I knew the duck was lost, 'cause ducks ain't s'posed to be downtown. There's nothin' for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said, "Let me have a bun." But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said that I had to have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said, "Alright, well, put some lettuce on it," which she did. She said, "That'll be $1.75." I said, "It's for a duck." And they said, "All right, well, that is free." See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the Steak Fajita Sub - but don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck! There are six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!"
This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one fucking complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck fucker. The last payment must be made in wampum.
There's a commercial on late-night TV for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it says "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach!? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully, they will invent a product before you shrivel and die. Think like a cactus!"
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I am older. "You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera. Whats it look like...?"
On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana?
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an escalator "Temporarily Out of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the Convenience ... We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."
2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. If it were 2-in-1 it would be overflowing. The bottle would be all sticky and shit...
I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, cause no one would buy it: sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge... that would melt easily over tortilla chips.
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means .... it's dirty.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
I have long hair, and see, people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like 'an extreme longing for cake'. People would see a guy with long hair and say "damn, that fucker eats cake, he's on bundt cake". Mothers telling their daughters "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smell like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky..."
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
In my house I have a sliding glass door, and on it is a sticker that says "Warning: Alarm System". And it's a pretty simple alarm system, consisting of...a sticker.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
If you asked my sister Wendy if she thought I was weird, she'd say, "Yeah." But thats bullshit 'cause she's weird, cause she like has a family and a family picture on their VCR where they're all looking slightly to the left. Like something over there happened, and made everybody happy. But my sister's cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right the fuck on.
I wanted to get my teeth whitened, but I said fuck it, I'll just get a tan instead.
3:38 PM
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