Journey II : thoughts
Current mood: thoughtful

......what a strange human emotion, love that is : it contains everything : absolute, nothingness, tears and smiles, completion, sacrifice, fullfilment and frustration, this is why we want it so hard, yet do we see all that it demands?....

9:42 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Warriors II
Current mood: anxious

.....At first there was Chaos, and Chaos gave birth to Love who gave birth to the world who gave birth to Human Nature...the real warrior is not the one who obeys orders; the real Warrior is the man or the woman who has has the wisdon to acknowledge that Chaos and Love are the Core,  the real Warrior is the man or the woman who has the bravery to carry the wounds of Life with pride, the real Warrior is the man or the woman who has the strenght to pull is inner world inside out...Be proud, be proud to cry when it is time to cry, to laugh when it is time to laugh, to rest when it is time to rest and to fight when it is time to fight, to be weak when it is time to be weak...the real Warrior will put his hand on his fellow Warrior's shoulder.....

4:55 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Warriors
Current mood: melancholy

.....Sadness in our souls...we are all meant to be kissed upon the eyes, somehow along the way, we lost ourselves and lost the ability to consider ourselves worthy to be kissed upon the eyes.....In the end, what we look for is a warm hand to tell us that we can rest a bit now...

7:09 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

The Shame of sex and Journey I
Current mood: contemplative

Hi people,

Shadowb  is back with a few more stories to tell.  How have you all been?

I haven't been publishing a lot these last eight months.  I have been writing a lot though, thinking, trying to find some purpose again.  These months have not been the easiest, several things in my life needed to be set.  Strangely enough, it all became a journey of some sort.

It began on a Saturday morning, March 3rd to be precise.  I needed to go on the grave; something inside me was pushing me to.  I took the 9h30 train.  When I arrived there, I still had to walk 6 miles to the cemetery.  It was grey and cold, a thin rain falling, the kind that can ice your bones.  I started walking under the rain, feeling nervous, impatient a bit too. And I walked.
I took the wrong road and lost myself.  I had to ask several times my way.  I was so cold.  I eventually reached the cemetery.  

My memory was totally locked, I usually have a excellent memory, a photographic one.  Here, I was just tantalized, I could not think.  I started looking for the grave.  At a certain point, one of the workers came over asking who I was looking for.  I told him, he asked me to follow him.  He searched through his records. He could not find it.  I gave him another name, he reacted immediately saying he knew this grave.  He brought me there.
                                     

1:35 AM - 4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Senses and Sexuality
Current mood: calm

Hi there people,

Here I am, eventually back.  I have had a lot on my plate lately, going from one emotional revolution to a critical assessment for where I am in my life.
One conclusion is that it is difficult to make a balanced assessment, as we tend always to be too nice or too harsh to ourselves.  This is why therapists have work...
Now this brought me to think to a particular concept : personal mythology. Personal Mythology is what we build as examples, I daresay as goals of what we want to be and where we want to be at a certain point in life. We tend to do that during our teenager years, and sometimes, we do not realize how strongly they do impact us later.  When we realize that this personal myth is unreachable at a later stage, we destroy it, build another one, and try to reach the newly builded one.
This is commonly known as personal change : the greedy business man that becomes compassionate, the Mr. Scroodge syndrome.

When I was a teen, my personal myth was summarized in one sentence :"I want Life and a Lover".  You better be careful what you wish for, that would be the conclusion of this statement. Don't get me wrong, this is not the confession of bitter person, what I am saying is that we build our gods, and sometimes they make us go through things we would never imagine, in  order to stick to these romantico-philosophico-bullshit sentences....

Now a few weeks ago, one of these heavy rain Belgian day, I was on my way back from the office.  People were running in the street to protect themselves from the rain, walking faster under their umbrella, and as I hate umbrellas, I was walking under the rain.
The drops were big, I could feel them going through my clothes, and I kept on walking.  And I saw.  I saw a mother holding her daughter closely to her to protect her from the rain.  I saw a man taking his boyfriend closer to him under the umbrella, to protect him also. I saw a man walking slowly under the rain sad, and drained.  I saw a woman swearing at the Belgian weather and asking herself out loud what the hell she was fucking doing here (I'm quoting).  I repeat myself, I saw.  For once I did not perceived, judged, assessed with my psychological filter, my emotional background.  I just saw.
This was new.  This is also when I realized that this was common, that if you would open your eyes, you could see this everyday. I had become a Rain Walker, a person that even if he gets damped by the rain, keeps on walking with open eyes.

No, I take back what I said, I will not build another personal myth, I will just keep my eyes open.

Now, I have been thinking also lately about sex and food.  This is what I write about.  Why?  because these two things are the best parts of myself.  What is the link in between?  because they touch that deep inner part of ourselves, its archaic core. Tell me how you eat and I'll tell you how you fuck....tell me how you fuck and I'll tell you how you eat...Take a junk food eater that is used to live fast, does not want to take the time to discover the aliments, inform himself about a particular preparation, a different way of preparing food, and you'll get a rabbit fucker with no preliminaries.  Now this seems radical, but I take out of that a certain type of personalities that think about cooking, love trying new food, love discover new things but won't cook and you will get lovers with lack of self confidence, the ones that ask you every ten minutes if everything is ok during sex, well these ones still touch me because they are on the path of education, because shortly they gain that self confidence, they become just fine.
Also, sex and food can be mixed together.  These two activities are definitely complementary.  I am not talking of the usual whipped cream session, but more serious stuff: have you ever tried to eat spaghettis on top of the ass of you lover?  Or taste a beautiful chocolate cake on the belly of you lover? licked his nipples covered with tomato sauce? Take a bite of an apple and pass it into the mouth of you fuck buddy?
My friends try it and let me know.

I guess there is something in between these two aspects of life that goes beyond definition, but is undeniably necessary because this is what makes us human.  How strange is this, two concepts that relates to the archaic part of our personality would be what makes us human?  Well yes, because these two aspects makes us connect to each other at a deeper level, at this archaic part of the human.

Yesterday I had dinner with my new good friend, ScoubyPop, his boyfriend ActivistArms my boyfriend and a couple of other friends.  Great time, good food, a lot of laughs about  the pop culture  ScoubyPop and myself share.  Then we headed all back home. At a certain point, I was walking behind, and ActivistArms took ScoobyPop by the waist, and they kept walking.  I saw again.  I saw love.  I realized how much it is important to touch someone because touching make the other concretely realize he is human and loved, whatever type of love we talk about.

I was thinking about that while I was preparing some Penne alla ricotta con melanzane : those commonly known five senses (touch, sight, hear, taste, smell) relates also to that archaic core of ourselves.  It provide us with much more information than a rational intellect will ever provide, moreover, when you use those senses to know better your lover, it gives an entire new dimension to the person.   When you get to know his smell, certain movements of his face, some particular sounds he makes during sex, well all of sudden an entire world will open in front of your very eyes. Because this is what we are, a world in itself.

 

 Penne alla Ricotta con Melanzane :

-400 gr of Penne Righate
-150gr of Fresh Ricotta cheese
-1 eggplant
-2 cloves of garlic
-Olive oil
-Fresh basilic
-Gross salt

Start by preparing the eggplant. Slice it in slices of 1cm.  Cover the slices with gross salt, let it rest for 4 hours, afterwards rinse them thoroughly under fresh water.  Take a pan, add olive oil generously, put the cloves of garlic smashed and bring to very high temperature.  When the cloves get gold, take them out of the oil, and start putting the slices of eggplant.  Let them golden, take them out and put them on a plate with absorbing paper.  Keep warm.  Cook your penne,  once cooked add your ricotta cheese.  Mix well.  Decorate with the slices of eggplant and chopped basilic.

Drink a nice San Giovese with it.  Listen to the last album of Matmos.  Eat the pasta naked, sitting next to each other.
The enjoy a fruit salad on each other's butt .

Take care,
ShadowB.

10:25 AM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Dick pump, tears and Nightmares
Current mood: sad

The sky is grey tonight in Brussels.  It is probably going to rain.  Yesterday I let go my Amoureux to his well deserved holiday, in Rome.  I couldn't take my holiday in August, this is why I am not with him.  I always feel kind of sad, in these type of situation. I am not showing it very much, this way, he does not have to feel the guilt added to the missing thing.  I want him to enjoy himself as much as he can, this way he can bring me back some good stories.

This blog will be a bit more sad than usual, this is why I am setting the privacy this time, and warn you all that some strong feelings will be expressed tonight.  I know that not all the friends I have on myspace world read my blog, but I know that the ones who read it will take it the appropriate way.  Don't get me wrong, I am not into exhibition and into self pity, I just need to shout at the world tonight.  For once, I don't want to hide these thoughts in my diary, because I think they could help someone.  If you want to read it, feel free, if you don't, stop.  I just need to write tonight.

It all started good this weekend while I was doing my usual research on the sex topic.  On Saturday, after helping my amoureux packing, I went to a sex shop, here, in the neighborhood to see what they had. 

Jee, again it was one of these gloomy places, where the sales guy is almost whispering when you ask some more details on the goodies.  When will we found a sex shop where salespersons are not ashamed of working there, first, and second when will the goodies proposed be a bit funnier?  However, I did find what I was looking for : a dick pump.  Not that I have impotency issues (this is apparently what it is used for) but I wanted to test on myself a urban legend : why do some guys have so big bulges in their pants, and how do they do?

Now, take away from this the guys who have been well endowed by Mother Nature, I am not talking of these ones. I was about to discover the secrets of the ultimate fantasy : The Huge Dick.  I had heard that some guys were using a pump in order to have The Big Bone Effect, but how could I be sure? I was touching quite a sensitive area, the size of the penis: The Ultimate Gay Rule, The Worldwide Gay Blessing : The Big Cock.

Now I had read some stats and some research explaining that anyway, male homosexuals have it bigger because they use it more, and as any organ in the body the more you use, the bigger it is; the less you use, the smaller it gets.

Now, the pump works on an easy principle : it creates a void that pushes the blood in the penis which generates the erection, for the impotents.  Gays being as clever as they are in terms of image, realized that not using fully the void, and by this generating half an erection and adding a cockring after was making it.  Tiny Willy was all of sudden Aidan Shaw (the porn star, not the ex of Carrie in "Sex and the City".)

I tried it myself, of course, and afterwards I had to test the effect, and putting my tightest jeans, I went and tried my new 7 inches cock to the local bear bar.

And it made it.  Aroused looks, open mouths, people invading my private space while talking to me to have a closer look, jealous looks, I had the entire rainbow of looks.

Laughing alone, I left.  Alone.  I was not in the mood after realizing that it took 35 euros and a cockring to have someone in your bed.  That makes look things cheap.  So cheap.

And I had another epiphany, one of those damned epiphany : this is the world we leave in, as long as you look like, you are. 

No place for personal creativity, no place for who you deeply are with your anger and your joy, your lust for flesh and for great friendships, for laughs, for tears, just what you look like.  

These thoughts always make me sad and angry, they make me think of my Marco.  I mentionned Marco in my family blog.  He is one my deads.  My first love.  He was the sun of my life for two years.  I had met him when I was staying in Tuscany.  Now you have one more information about ShadowBear.  I am italian, and when I was 17, I went back to Italy for a while.  This is when I met him.  We were one year together there, and when  I went back to Belgium, he was finishing high school in Italy.  After that, he was coming to study in Brusssels.

Marco died from AIDS when he was 19.  Before coming to live in Brussels, he had told his parent he was gay, and coming like me from one of those conservative,  narrow and straight minded big families, they did not take it that well.  However, he came. 

I was living at my parents place at that time, we were both (Marco and I) working during our weekends, to be the least dependant possible from our respective families.

I remember some nights when we were both scared of what would happen the day after, and spending the night to talk of what we would do after the studies, and he would start reading me some poems he had written during his spare time. I remember taking his head on my chest, because it was his favorite position for reading his poems. 

I remember hating so much his family, my family, I remember hating Italy for generating such sick families that would rather keep up appearances than hold the hand of their dying son, not hesitating to rip the heart and the soul off the body of an 19 years old teenager to sacrify it on the altar of Normality.

ShadowBear cannot give you a recipe tonight, he feels tired and he needs to sleep.  He needs to wink at the demon a little longer before being able to watch the angel straight in the eye. He needs to have his nightmares. 

ShadowB.

11:51 PM - 5 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Cuddling, Tuna and my new Buddy Dildo
Current mood: thirsty

So as I said in my last blog, the other weekend I was in London. I took the opportunity to go and look for my first dildo. In the gay area, near Comton Street, I did find my new buddy....Now choosing a dildo, and especially a first one, is not an easy thing : appropriate size, texture, finding the lubricant to go with,.... My first impression in the store was questioning : why are they all black? why do they look so extreme? The ones I was looking at made me feel like I was watching a S&M movie with dildos so big that it would be easier to directly put a hand in the ass of the guy being fucked (at least it would be flesh to flesh contact). If I was buying one of these dildos, would that mean I would have to start to wear harnesses and chaps in my everyday life? Not that I don't have a leather fetish : a hot sex session in chaps and harness is very nice, but it is a session.... If I was buying one of these dildos, would I be headed to another lifestyle as a Bottom Leather?
Jee, that was getting though when on a shelve, I saw IT. Green, in latex, perfectly phallic with some spots to increase the sensation. And vibrating.
Now the testing part was coming. As my Amoureux was coming back the day after my return from London, I had one evening all alone with my butt and my new Buddy dildo.

So relaxed and alone, I started practising and the entire session has two conclusions : first, it is wow; second it is WOW .

I was thinking about that while preparing a scampi's salad for dinner : now that you and I know I enjoy it up the ass, does that make me a bottom? I don't like being put in a box, and I always get confused with the international gay definitions : versatile, bottom, top, power bottom, power top, passive top, etc....I still have to look these up in a gay dictionary because if you put you dick up the ass of a guy, you're a top but if you lay just there while you dick is in the ass of the other guy who's doing all the work, you are not being very active, so does that make you a passive top? or just a bad fuck?

There is that guy I flirted with who explained me that for him, a bottom was just receiving it and that's it. So no pleasure, no heat, no sensuality, you just open your ass and that's it being a bottom? This explanation and the fact that instead of french kissing me he was conscientiously giving a car wash to my teeth made me not take in consideration his argument.

My conclusion is I don't give a damn about these gay boxes, I just enjoy my body or more my butt in this case.

I do also realise that my previous attempts to take it in the butt were not super experiences because I had no knowledge on how to do it well. And the guy I was doing it with also, so as a good boy that I am, buying the dildo and experiencing it alone gave me the ability to at least guide the guy, which is good.
I am now in control of my hole.

Also, this week I have been chatting with my good friend IndieSexy and we were discussing the cuddling topic. He was explaining me that he loved cuddling and hugging, not only his boyfriend, but his friends as well. I remember reading somewhere that this was a bear particularity, bears enjoy touching, grabbing, feeling the skin of the person in front of them. IndieSexy is not a bear. Well, I'll go one step ahead and state that we all need the touch of someone. Because most of the time, there is more love, respect and tenderness in a gentle caress or touch of the shoulder than there is in a letter or an e-mail. I always grab my friends, I touch them in the face, I feel them with my hands, I know they are in my heart and they know it too, but I need to measure their soul with my hands and my eyes. I guess this is the animal part in us talking, but with something more, something pure.

Scampi's salad for 2

-400 gr. of Giant Shrimps (they must be very fresh, possibly fished from the day)
-300 gr. of baby tomatoes
-some green salad leaves
-4 lemons
-1 orange
-Olive oil
-salt
-fresh pepper
-Coriander

Take the skin off the shrimps, put them in a bowl with the juice of the lemons and the orange. Put the bowl in the freezer for 1 hour and half. 10 minutes before taking the bowl out of the freeze, wash and cut your baby tomatoes and your green salad leaves. Cut them roughly. Put in the salad bowl with the olive oil, salt and pepper. You can add some freshly chopped coriander leaves. Take the bowl out of the freezer, throw away the juice and add the shrimps to the salad. Mix well.

Enjoy it with a nice and very fresh white bordeaux. Listen to the last album of Boards of Canada.

Then cuddle, go into the bedroom, and enjoy your bodies freely, with passion and curiosity.

8:57 AM - 7 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Fish'n Chips, Champagne and Family
Current mood: grateful

So, last weekend was my birthday.  I turned 31 years old, and discovered my first white hairs (in my beard).  Believe it or not, it was a great moment.  I enjoy growing old, I become more mature, and more aware of what surrounds me.  I like also the way my body changes, I get stockier.  Strange, isnt it, in a world where youth is pivotal and essential, where looking young and beautiful gives the feeling to be on top of the world. I did not like my 20s, I was looking for myself, looking for my path, trying to deal with my messed up head and heart.  Well, the more I grow old, the more I feel on top of the world, and to paraphrase "Fried Green Tomatoes", perhaps they are younger and faster, but I am older and I have better insurance.

Another thing is, while there, laughing, enjoying myself and my boyfriend (We have been far from each other lately), I got to realize that I considered these people my family. This also because during the afternoon, I made my usual phone call to my dad to see how he was, and as usual, he forgot to wish me "Happy Birthday".  I felt sad, afterward.

A little background here, I come from a very dysfunctional family.  My mother does not talk to me because I am gay, and my dad, to make it fast, considers me more like his dad.  Moreover, when I was a kid I had a legs condition.  The response to that from my parents was to put me in care of a nanny, basically during 7 years, I have seen my parents once a week, and when I was at their home, I was in front of the electronic nanny ( the television).  I guess this is why I still ask to my boyfriend if I can eat a part of the pie that he bought.

Also, my mother's family is something...As I had this legs condition when a kid, I was spending a lot of time reading (I could not do any sport) which officially turned me into a freak at their eyes.  They have always praised stupid physical strength and minimum brain usage.  So when they found out I was gay, that was the cherry on top of the cake, I was officially considered damned.

I realize this is difficult to write, for me, as I am touching something I buried consciously deep into my soul. Eventually, the sad little boy I thought I had let go (Blog of the 9^th of June "Ice Cream", another poetical prose crisis) just went a bit deeper, but is still there. I realize also that I should not let go this little boy, because he is the reason of me being where I am now in life, he gave me the strength to grow into the person I am, so for that, I thank you Little Gio'.

Because of all those thoughts about my family, I got to think also that for me, being gay has been a blessing.  Because it opened me to a whole new life, because I got the chance to meet the people I know and care.  If I had not been gay, I would have never met the fantastic man that is in my life now, and has been for the last five years. I love him because he is kind, and good hearted, and he is handsome.

I got to think also that, now, at 31, I could definitely turn my back to these dark moments, and that I could start enjoying my new family, the one that I created for myself and chose. And I want to thank them all.  So Javi, Fintan and Nadir, Roberto, Marja, Van, Erez, Ben, Sivan, Cherif, Silje, Marie (and her son, my little godson, my little prince Misha), Ugo, Enrico, Paul and Kev, Max, my heart is big enough to love you all, and my soul is always there, close to you and my house is open to you all. To my deads also, Marco, Gaetan and Nonno, thank you for watching over me, I miss you very much. And finally, to my man, my unique love, Mau, there is no words for Us, just feelings.  You All are my Family.

So, my dear readers, after all these emotions, the only think to do is drink Champagne, and enjoy a nice Fish'n Chips.  And listen to something light, like the last BisartShaker broadcasted Show, from DJ Athome.

And have very slow, romantic sex.

ShadowB.

5:56 AM - 5 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Orgasms, Porn Movies and Spaghettis
Current mood: artistic

After feeling drained and exhausted, I decided to lighten up and go have some cocktails with my good friend Rock'n Roll Cherry.  She had had a bad week too, so it all started with the usual bitching and sipping Maragaritas untill alcohol kicked in and we were both feeling more relaxed to discuss our main topic : Coming in bed.
I have been researching a bit on this and as I mentionned in my last blog, I discovered this webpage (paying but there are some free previews) www.beautifulagony.com  It is a very interresting webpage as it is only videos of men and women coming.  Where it gets hot, it is that the person filming only focuses the camera on their face, no body parts. Just pure expression of pleasure on their face.  Now, ok we can all think that these are actors, but that is beside the point as the bottom line is to encourage lust by suggesting pleasure. 
It was freshening to see these little movies as it was for once not usual porn with hard bodies, hard dicks, hard fucks, overexagerated gender actors (super males with huge dicks and huge boobed, long nailed women).  Sometimes I find these porn movies tiring as not only they present sex as a very competitive action, to not say an unreachable sex life style (I don't know you, but after being fucked in the ass for one hour, first I get bored, and second, my ass gets irritated.  Rock'n Roll Cherry confirmed it was the same for girls and their vagina).  And there we know they are all actors and that they fake.  And the whole story about men not being able to fake is totally untrue as by personal experience, I already faked an orgasm to get rid of the guy I was having sex with just to have him out of my bed, it just takes a bit of synchronisation and the good gestures at the good moment....
The bottom line is that the mainstream porn industry does not help creativity, and just promotes oldfashioned, boring sex models, and their scenarios suck most of the time. There isn't real research of pleasure.

Now, to go back to orgasm, Rock'nRoll Cherry had some good stories to talk about.  She explained me that after having had some tough moments in her life, lately she had been enjoying orgasms of great intensity, she felt on top of the world.  Before it was sometimes a bit hard to come, now that she was feeling better overall and less modest when it comes to sex, she had discovered as a good girl the joy of multiple orgasms, with her boyfriend or without him, with or without toys. Basically, she discovered that coming was a natural mood elevator, and she was planning to keep on working on that...  When I asked her to describe an orgasm, she told me she had the feeling to be pure life and energy when coming.  But this where it got tricky for me because talking about orgasm is as a matter of fact a bit intimate.  When I asked the same question to some of my male friends, they were all blushing and had some difficulties to describe it in terms of emotions but where more explicit in terms of biology.  This is how I discovered that there were three types of physical coming for men : you have the "athletic" type, they come all over themselves, yourselves, the bed sheets and if they are in a good mood you can have some on your walls. They are fantastic for the ego, as it is so flaterring to see them coming everywhere.  You have the "mashed potatoes"  type, great to see them coming when watching the face but a bit disapointing when watching their dick, they just put it all over their hands.  And you have the "clean boy" type, they always come in the area of the stomach, the face expression is perfect and they're easy to clean.  The Perfect Come.

I was thinking about that while preparing some spaghettis for lunch, why is an orgasm difficult to describe?  Because it touches the most intimate part of yourself, because when you come everything that makes who you are, your life experience, your pains, your losses and your joys, is released in a perfect moment of time and space where you exist as a life.  When you come, the very core of your personality is exposed and becomes available. And this does not need to be described.  It needs to be felt and lived.

Spaghettis con Pomodorini e Basilico

-400 grams of spaghettis
-200 grams fo baby tomatoes
-Olive oil
-2 cloves of garlic
-Thyme
-Sugar
-Parmesan cheese or Pecorino

Another easy recipe, here.  Take the baby tomatoes, cut them in half, spread olive oil, thyme, chopped garlic and sugar (a spoon is enough) on top.  Pass them into the hoven for 30 minutes at 200°c.  When ready, cook your spaghettis "al dente", mix with the tomatoes.  Put in the plates, and add on top some chopped basilicum.  Spread some gratted cheese (parmesan or pecorino).  Drink a Red Corvo.  If you can, try one of the "Duca di Salaparuta" produced ones.  And listen to some of the good mixes of Max_M.

And then make yourself and your partner come, and come, and come...

2:24 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Campari and Despair
Current mood: drained

Tonight is a night without.  I just feel exhausted.  I can't stand the heat, the noise anymore.  This is just a shitty saturday. A fucking, shitty, damned noisy saturday. I hate it when exhaustion reaches the point of despair.  I am not even in the mood of talking about dicks or food.  I just would like to feel less anger, and less loneliness.   

I'll leave it to tomorrow.  And don't forget to have good sex.  By the way, check out this webpage : http://www.beautifulagony.com.  It is a paying one, but check out the preview.  Take it as appetizer to my blog of tomorrow.

Regards,
ShadowBear

2:09 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment