Camel Crossing
Current mood: blustery
Category: Writing and Poetry

"WHEN I LEAVE IS NOT IMPORTANT

AND WHEN I DIE, I'LL DIE ALONE

AND WHEN I SEE MY CAMEL CROSSING

I KNOW I'VE FOUND MYSELF AT HOME"

- "Camel Crossing" by Kirsty MacColl

Don't you just love when you hear a lyric that reflects your life? Listening to Kirsty is quite the habit I have (never a day goes by without ten or twenty Kirsty songs blasting out of my speakers.) Seem I'm leaving for Liverpool in about 4 days. My head is in two places... I'm looking forward to the experience and starting anew but I'm also dreading the awkwardness of meeting new people. I hate meeting new people. I'm not anti-social or anything like that, I'm just VERY shy to start with... I'm sure I'll be alright a day or two into my new life... Doesn't mean I can stop worrying lol!

My life is alright at the minute, I've sorta avoided the internet recently. I dunno, I go through spells of hating the internet and everything on it. I thought it'd be only right to update everyone on what's going on in my life because I won't have my own laptop in Liverpool until October or November so I wanted to assure you that I'm still breathing.. or as P!nk would say.. I'm not dead!!

One thing I'm looking forward to in Liverpool is the oppurtunity to go and see more diverse gigs and concerts.. Northern Ireland isn't the best for concerts... although this year I did go and see Girls Aloud in Belfast and I was sooo surprised at how good they were.. They put on quite a magnificent show and even waved at my friend and I.

I've been writing poetry on and off... I haven't written as much as I probably should have.. afterall the course I'm going to do is English and Creative Writing. I'm just gonna paste the latest of my poems at the bottom of this entry and let you guys see how I've been doing..

Life is good... It's ok.. It could be a bit better but hey... fingers crossed!

Love Shane x.

===

I Am A Dying Flower

(Shane Telford)

With a pocketful of promises

And a liftetime of lows

I fade like a flower

That bends as it grows.

                                    I'm searching for water

                                    But your well has run dry,

                                    I still fade like a flower

                                    As I watch myself die.

                                                                                    I'm not grasping at straws

                                                                                    But I'm gasping for air

                                                                                    A pitiful flower

                                                                                    That belongs nowhere.

                                                I thought I belonged in the soil of your soul

                                                But alas I was wrong – still my seeds have been sewn.

Currently listening : From Croydon to Cuba: An Anthology By Kirsty MacColl Release date: 2005-04-04

3:36 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Her Name Is John
Current mood: bouncy
Category: Blogging

Time for a little less serious poetry I think. I'm all for gay rights, I'm all for freedom of speech and an end to all sorts of discrimination. I was watching some clips on youtube of transgendered actress Calpernia Addams and this inspired this poem.. it's about a drag queen named John.. enjoy :)

Her Name Is John

by Shane Joseph Telford

--

With more powder in his room than a smuggler of cocaine

John sits and waits for midnight like Christmas all over again.

A cigarette in one hand and god knows what in the other,

He wears a turquoise brooch, one he stole from his dear mother.

She doesn't know his secret and hasn't seen her son in years,

She's Catholic and old-fashioned, she's got no time for "queers".

And so the bells of midnight sing like Cher (they never sounded right),

John pulls on those new heels he bought on eBay last night.

That cigarette's still burning as he reaches for his third,

His figure like an hourglass, the heels dig in and hurt.

That doesn't stop John from parading out his front door,

His head held high at midnight, and so John is no more.

Wearing bravery like bangles and courage like a coat

John isn't scared to be himself, in mink or dog or stoat,

Though PETA might have problems with how John is dressed tonight

Nobody takes a second glance because John fits in just right.

It's funny how the world can change and views become a fad

       And how inner beauty reigns supreme and good overcomes the bad.    

Currently listening : Come on Over By Shania Twain Release date: 1997-11-04

5:30 AM - 15 Comments - 24 Kudos - Add Comment

Food For Thought
Current mood: happy
Category: Blogging

Shane Telford has never been very adventurous. He has never been a risk taker...deciding what socks to wear in the morning used to be enough excitement for one day... but.. today, he conquered his fear of food. For all of those who know Shane you will understand that he is not the most cultured of beings... he HATES going up to tills and paying for things but ONE THING... ONE THING he hates more than that is trying new food... and I don't mean Tandoori chicken... I mean Boiled Eggs..

Ok, so last night I stayed at NF's house for the first time in ages while the 'rents were away, that meant that we had to fend for ourselves and decide what we ourselves actually wanted to eat.... Last night I wanted to make Crepes but found myself chewing on Chicken Kiev instead... don't ask. This morning came and breakfast time was upon us... I am not the best person for eating breakfast. It may well be the most important meal of the day but to be honest, most mornings I can't stomach the sight of cornflakes let alone swallow them. What did I want for breakfast this morning? I wanted to try something new... something fresh... something out of the ordinary... I ate my first egg... It was neither scrambled nor poached.... it was.... BOILED... It was nothing special... but I tried a boiled egg!

See, I usually live a very boring dietary life. My plate rarely sees any variation... My favourite foods is spaghetti bolognese and I could it til the cows come home. I loooooove Chinese food... and HAVE eaten it til the cows came home. It's no wonder that I have problems with my weight every now and then. There are lots of food I haven't tried merely because I'm scared to try new things... I see it like going into a CD shop.... I'm not going to buy a Martha Wainright album... I know she exists.. but I have never in my life heard a song of hers.. Why would I buy it? Why not buy that Cyndi Lauper CD that I already have that has just been rereleased with 45 new remixes and a bonus DVD?! I am scared of change... I like the way my life is... I like what I like and I'm afraid if I don't like something it'll kill me!!

I'm ranting about food and I've just had a chinese. I MAY have a serious problem developing. I am REALLY proud of myself for trying this boiled egg... i may not have enjoyed it as much as an onion ring... but I'm making headway. University life beckons in a few months and I can't survive on chips all of my life. I'll turn into one for God's sake! Shane is growing up... he's not going to have egg on his face ANYMORE!!

3:19 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Weathered
Current mood: cantankerous
Category: Writing and Poetry

Weathered

Pouring,

Pouring my feelings out like black coffee.

Storing,

Storing my feelings inside like a trophy.

It's raining down misfortune,

No cats and dogs, just woe.

It's raining down misfortune

Like classic New York snow.

Inside I'm tarred and feathered,

Inside I'm cold and weathered.

8:17 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

God Knows
Current mood: bummed
Category: Blogging

I'm quite snowed under with school.. plus I can't really be bothered with anything in life at the minute so I can't see my Myspace page taking priority for a while. I'll pop on and off as per usual but I can't be fucked in all honesty.

I don't know if it's the depression or boredom or whatever. But I can't really do anything at the minute. I've deleted my bebo and spend most of my hours in bed.

I promise I'll try and become more active. Just trying to sort my life/head out. I need to start reading again. Sigh. Summer beckons. Another pale skinned season that I can't be bothered with lol.

I'm a miser, right?

3:33 PM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Poem: Insensitive
Current mood: bummed
Category: Writing and Poetry

Insensitive

I don't wear them on my sleeve

Like a wristwatch

And I don't wear them on my shoulder

But like my bones, with each year, they grow a shade of colder.

Feelings, feelings come and go

They fall and melt like summer snow.

Feelings, feelings live and die

Just like the feeler, you or I.

I have feelings. I do, I do.

And those feelings are weak to you.

My Great Wall of China is nothing but porcelain,

A priceless artifact that keeps my feelings in.

Dig, dig and undermine

Unraveled like a ball of twine.

Feelings, feelings, can't you see

How much your feelings mean to me?

Feelings, feelings, through and through

How much do my feelings mean to you?

8:03 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

New
Current mood: tired
Category: Blogging

Just a quick wee update to let yous all know what's going on in my life.

- My phone is pretty much being crap right now.

- I have lots of coursework I really should be doing

- Uri and myself are working on two very special songs

- I have a sexy new picture and layout.

And I'd also like to take the time to say my thoughts and prayers are with Mark Speight's family and friends right now. His death is a very tragic one and at least his body has been found so that his family might be able to find at least a little bit of closure. RIP.

2:27 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Bum Looks Big In This?
Current mood: bouncy
Category: Blogging

Ok.

I am finally fed up with everything remotely related to healthy-eating, excercise and dieting. I have no willpower. I planned ..ing a whole new regime on the first of April, and I made an April fool of myself by not being able to stick to it for one day. But tell you what! I don’t care about my belly... I don’t care about my thunder thighs and the things that aren’t so... endearing about me. I don’t care anymore. To be honest, I could be a lot worse, I could be a lot heavier. I’m not even overweight, but that is NOT THE POINT. Ugh. I hate the fact that I can’t go a day without five packets of crisps and ten bars of chocolate.

I’m happy with myself for once. I used to be soooo damn self-concious. I still sorta have things in my life I’d love to change. I’m not gonna subscribe to some botox club though.. and I’m not going to go and get a tummy tuck or even a chemical face peel (Although, I have considered it in the past.) This is me. This is who I am, and this is what I guess I’m supposed to look like..

*Two finger salute to the world of superficial plastics*

In other world news today, I found my bank card and I am very very happy. Shane without his bank card is like.. Bambi without his/her mother... Was Bambi a boy or girl btw?

12:27 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

I’m On My Way
Current mood: blessed
Category: Blogging

BLOG ENTRY: 24th March 2008

Wow. It’s been a pretty strange few months. Haven’t updated my blog in what seems like one hundred dog years... There’s an awful lot I should fit into this blog entry but at the same time I don’t want to be known as the most depressing blogger out there. So I think I’m going to try and cut the amount of shit I talk in this entry to a minimum.

February third, a date I’m never going to forget. It might seem pretty irrelevant and unimportant to you, the reader, but this was the day I tried to take my own stupid life. Don’t ask me why, because there were about ten different reasons that I overdosed that night. Ten reasons that seem unimportant now, but hurt all the same. Fifteen or twenty tablets later and I was in hospital, almost in a coma (but you know me, I can’t do anything right) but not quite there yet. I’m never going back there again. It’s just not worth it.

I’ve been told I have depression, I’m seeing a psychiatrist and a councellor. I’m on sleeping tablets and all my friends have rallied around me and are being wonderful human beings. I used to feel so alone... not anymore. I just thought I ought to come on here and talk about what I went through because I know so many people out there, especially around my age, go through the same thing. You don’t have to be weak to try and kill yourself. Depression is not something to be ashamed of. It’s something to fight and be proud about doing so. I’m in the midst of a very long fight with the illness and I’ll be honest, I’m not recovering very well. I ended up cutting the arms off myself last night. But I now know what is wrong with me, and I know where to go for help. You don’t have to be alone in life. You don’t have to be afraid to talk to someone. Hell... if you’re that scared to talk to somebody in "real life", drop me a line, I’d be happy to help you out and listen to your woes.

There is nothing beautiful about waking up in the hospital, surrounded by strangers, surrounded by people looking down their noses at you because you are taking up a bed. That’s how it felt when I was getting my blood sugar taken for the fiftieth time. (The tablets I took were something related to diabetes and just had me bordering a hypoglycemic coma or something of the sort.) I’m not ashamed of what I did. I’m ashamed of not looking for help sooner. I’ve always known I wasn’t happy. I’ve always cried myself to sleep at least once a week. I’m not going to shy away and say that depression just came out of the shadows one day and took me by surrpise. My life has NEVER been easy. Is life ever easy for anyone? It’s almost been two months since the suicide attempt and to be honest. I’m happy, I’m feeling a lot better about myself... I’m drinking a little bit more than recommended, but it’s not a dependancy. I’m sure of that, don’t worry. I’m just a lot happier in my own skin.

Fuck whoever doesn’t like me.

Fuck who doesn’t like the look of me.

Fuck who thinks I’m a circus freak.

I’m not here for your entertainment so don’t sit and judge me. I am Me. I am living my life. So get back to living yours, eh?! Go on.. do something to make yo mamma proud! Ha!

Thank you friends and family. Thank you for being here for me. Thank you for being the remedy to this awful and terrifying year. It’s early yeat. But I’m counting down the days to 2009. I want to start afresh. A new life.. a new place for Shane Telford. I’m not going to sink on a ship called life. I’m going to live the best damn life I possibly can. I’m on my way. So watch out and cover your ears!

Love always,

Shane Telford.

Currently listening : Ingénue By k.d. lang Release date: 17 March, 1992

4:48 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Boy Imperfection - To My Haters
Current mood: blessed
Category: Blogging

I'm not here for anyone else's entertainment but my own.

I don't care for petty comments and constant undermining of character.

I am happy to live my life the way it is, I don't need any reminders of my faults. I embrace each and every imperfection, because they make me stand alone. Unlike some - see Boy Perfection.

I might be slightly overweight, I might be slightly underweight. I'm happy in my skin, I'm happy under my hair. All your nagging just goes in one hole and out the other (not to sound vulgar at all!)

I have a clear conscience. I have made mistakes. I have paid for each and everyone in tears. I have learnt from my mistakes, so unlike you people who have yet to make mistakes, life for me is a learning curve.

I'm having the best year of my life. Friends are the family you choose for yourself, and my family has extended to great extent this year, with Niall and Ben the newest and most cherished of newbies (lol!).

I look forward to the year two thousand and eight. Why? Because I know, I'm not going to give into your petty little games, if you hate me, hate me! If you love me, I love you. I am harmless, everyone who knows me knows that.

I <3 Life, Niall + Ben

Currently listening : Black Cherry By Goldfrapp Release date: 06 May, 2003

1:51 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment