fairy tales

I believe in fairy tales. I believe in happiness. I believe that anything is possible, each new sun rise brings new doors to open and others to close. I can be and do anything I want, if I really want to. I could move a mountain, with a little help, but I could. There is always something new to be here for, something new to reach out for and grasp so tight.

I live in dreams. I live in the beauty of everything around me. I live in colors and sounds, in smells and tastes. Everything is bright. I wish my eyes were my cameras so I could capture and freeze the small little details that intrigue me so much; the glint of the sun on the trees and the water as I walk out my door in the morning, a greeting of a smile from a close friend, even a container ship unloading its enormous cargo, it is all beautiful. If you spend a day with me, it will be rare to go more than an hour without me mentioning, "oh look, how pretty is that?" or you may even just catch me staring into space with a smile. Ultimate ADD. Easily distracted? naaa, how dare you even sa... hey, look shiny!!

I am an adult, but Im still learning, still growing, still young. I am not wise, I am only learned to words. With so many years left, I have only just began to experience the best. I once wanted to fly to neverland, where dreams were true, and reality bent to the whim of a child. Then I realized, I am in neverland, and the dreams are all around me. I can always be a child, as long as I keep the flame of wish, of a dream, alive inside of me. That flame is what seems to flicker or to dim as we grow, but I wont let it.

I have been hurt, but I still believe in love. I have failed, but I still know I can succeed. I have seen death, and even stared it in the face, but I still believe in the miracle of life. Ill wish upon a star, hold my breath in a tunnel, kiss my roof as I go through a yellow light, I will still hold that hope of a wish coming true.

I am a lucky one. Ive been given the chance to experience the joys of making my own way with a hand always holding me up. Ive been given a second chance at life. Ive been given the chance to be here. Im not much, at least Im just a person, one person, same as everyone else, no better no worse. but Im lucky to be able to be there for those that I love. Im lucky to be let in. Im lucky to hear their stories, experience things that may never touch me, good and bad, through those around me.

I live for love.. Love of family, love of almost family, love of friends, love of speed and thrills and chills, love of adventure and everything new, Love of love as much as it might hurt, love of smiles, love of dreams of my own and others, love of Fairy tales and happy endings, Love of life. Love of..... Life....

I will get where I am meant to be as long as I love... Life..

10:17 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

memory

a memory of something not yet remembered is all we are.
a memory of something not yet done.
a memory of feelings not yet felt.
a memory and things past and present.
we are just a memory.
we are because they are what make us up.
if we forget something, and everyone else forgets it too, then it never happened.
if we forget ourselves we are nothing, no emotion or action.
like a child not yet born.
if we are forgotten by everyone, then we never lived on our own or for ourselfs, but lived in others and for others.
and if we only mattered because even though we arent remembered, those still living who our lives touched are remembered,
then why not continue to be not remembered?
why not just live for the joy that life continues?
and if we are remembered, just by even one person, then how can we ever really die?
Either way, there is no point to living only so you can be remembered,
live to be alive.

12:37 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

It is what it Is

The sign over my bed reads, "it is what it is"..

This week has been.. hard.. I got sick.. but this time im not waiting.. I already went to the doctor.. good news bad news.. Important part, I'm alive.. I got a lot to live for.. and hell, Im not done messin with this odd world yet.
I got home from the doc, and a good night of relaxing and found my water dragon had passed away.. Instant panic attack.. This is my baby.. I got her five years ago.. shes been through so much.. 4 homes, getting stepped on years ago, sleeping on my bed with me for years now, attacking my cats, being class pet when I had nowhere for her to go, living around my room for a year while her new jungle was built.. she was fine when I left.. She had been eating and playing.. I don't know what happened.. I have my memories.. but I didn't get to say good bye.. I didn't know.. I would have come home.. I think I ran out of tears... Water dragons have these personalities that just.. don't fit a lizard.. She knew me.. she comes when called even.. They usually don't make it passed 3 years, she made it to 5.. The life span can be up to 8 years.. I thought she would live that long.. not sure what happened... thats part of what hurts so much.. not knowing why.. I love my baby..

2:56 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

chicago 1

K, so Ive been here 3 days.. I love this city. I wish I lived here. I would deal with the snow, just to be here. Its 85-90 outside, and raining off and on.. and I mean raining.. Its absolutely gorgeous.. Ive been on my own 2 days now.. Cassie isn't up to going out really. I dont blame her. Being preggers will do that, hehe... Ive met some really cool people, and even found a place like the moon. Im gonna catch up with some people I met the other night and go to a jazz club tonight.. Much fun.. Day time is a little lonely.. walking around on my own, shopping mostly.. but over all, I think I needed to just get away.. just be on my own and be me.. Did I mention I love this city? Why does it have to be so far from LA? I would stay here if it weren't for school and friends and family.. I hope it rains again tonight.. Before the club, Im gonna go walk the river front.. Its so beautiful.. With all the high rises, the street lights hitting the water, the people.. Yeah, the people.. My goodness its a different breed here.. They are so nice.. atleast the locals are.. tourists, not so much.. but as Miranda told me, its easy to spot out of towners.. (apparently how I dress gave me away).. I thought it would be hard to meet people.. but its different.. I was actually semi "forced" to talk at the bar last night. question after question, led to me opening up and laughing and talking up a storm and having an amazing time, oh and dancing in the rain with about 20 other people.. that was great..
If only I could stay.. =(

5:08 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I believe in Fairy tales.
Category: Blogging

I believe in fairy tales. I believe in happiness. I believe that anything is possible, each new sun rise brings new doors to open and others to close. I can be and do anything I want, if I really want to. I could move a mountain, with a little help, but I could. There is always something new to be here for, something new to reach out for and grasp so tight.

I live in dreams. I live in the beauty of everything around me. I live in colors and sounds, in smells and tastes. Everything is bright. I wish my eyes were my cameras so I could capture and freeze the small little details that intrigue me so much; the glint of the sun on the trees and the water as I walk out my door in the morning, a greeting of a smile from a close friend, even a container ship unloading its enormous cargo, it is all beautiful. If you spend a day with me, it will be rare to go more than an hour without me mentioning, "oh look, how pretty is that?" or you may even just catch me staring into space with a smile. Ultimate ADD. Easily distracted? naaa, how dare you even sa... hey, look shiny!!

I am an adult, but Im still learning, still growing, still young. I am not wise, I am only learned to words. With so many years left, I have only just began to experience the best. I once wanted to fly to neverland, where dreams were true, and reality bent to the whim of a child. Then I realized, I am in neverland, and the dreams are all around me. I can always be a child, as long as I keep the flame of wish, of a dream, alive inside of me. That flame is what seems to flicker or to dim as we grow, but I wont let it.

I have been hurt, but I still believe in love. I have failed, but I still know I can succeed. I have seen death, and even stared it in the face, but I still believe in the miracle of life. Ill wish upon a star, hold my breath in a tunnel, kiss my roof as I go through a yellow light, I will still hold that hope of a wish coming true.

I am a lucky one. Ive been given the chance to experience the joys of making my own way with a hand always holding me up. Ive been given a second chance at life. Ive been given the chance to be here. Im not much, at least Im just a person, one person, same as everyone else, no better no worse. but Im lucky to be able to be there for those that I love. Im lucky to be let in. Im lucky to hear their stories, experience things that may never touch me, good and bad, through those around me.

I live for love.. Love of family, love of almost family, love of friends, love of speed and thrills and chills, love of adventure and everything new, Love of love as much as it might hurt, love of smiles, love of dreams of my own and others, love of Fairy tales and happy endings, Love of life. Love of..... Life....

I will get where I am meant to be as long as I love... Life..

1:35 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

work work work

nuff said with that? kinda...
I took almost a month off from doing anything to try to catch up with school.. but now summer is almost here, and my schedule went from being semi slow to what the hell how do I catch up with myself.. Still waiting to hear from the hospital to see if I got that job, I really hope so.. as much as I love everything I do, it would be nice to have a set schedule to rely on for once.. I went to my parents last night then went out with friends instead of heading to the show.. got in a bit of trouble for skipping out, but seriously, my camera wasn't charged, and I busted my knee pretty good, so I had a good reason right?
So, finals are here.. and Im... way way in the hole.. test monday, two papers due.. oi vey.. With everything that has happened lately, I haven't had any time for me.. can't wait till this is over, so I have time to just bubble and disappear for a while.. =) but then.. July, its crazy time.. chicago Im a coming!! can I go out and play now? heh
Im on fast forward and keeping up with myself is proving to be hard.. I forgot what day it was yesterday.. this morning, I woke up and went to trap in a bit of a daze..
But hey, Im still standing, that is what matters.. (err.. sitting, but oh well)..
Oh, by the way, I love being able to jack internet connections.. but I have to get back.. my camera finished uploading..so, Im off!!

7:51 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

try harder

I want to do more of these...

9:52 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

readers digest
Current mood: tired

readers digest. Everything tends to happen in waves. This.. is a damn big wave. But Im still standing gosh dang it..

1- I find out that I have to have my room at my parents cleared by this week. Thats going through 17 years worth of crap that I have stored away. I consider myself super lucky to have sentimental things from my whole life, but it can be hard looking back sometimes. Clearing that room out is something I have been dreading for a long time. I've been finding some interesting things.. like my diarys/journals and poetry journals dating all the way back to elementary school. like memory boxes that I used to make to get through and remember how I got through the hard times. and blah blah.. sooooo much.. I have tossed almost all of the clothing.. Im talking, enough to fill a small department store. (mom likes buying me cloths.. half of which I don't think I have ever worn..) Hopefully I will finish it on tuesday.. we'll see.. so many bags and boxes..

2- Finals are almost here and I am way behind.. I study like crazy.. Hence what I do when I can't sleep.. but I am nervous about it.. Im sure Ill be fine, but there is always that nagging what if going on.. (I really gotta finish my darn essays).. If I mess this up, I get kicked out.. chin up and full steam ahead.. Ive got it!

3- Not going much detail on this one because its not just my story.. A good friend of mine had a family member commit suicide last week. I went to the house with her and her mom with the cops to try to find him. I took care of her little sister and kept her away when they found out what he had done.. story continues much much further.. Shes going through a really hard time, and so is her mom, who I love very much too. Sometimes I wish I could do more. I wish I could pick people up in my hands and steal them away to a place of safety. I wish I could take the pain away. Im not sure if I have let everything sink in yet.. We went back to the house while the clean up crew was working.. We had to find some things and get them out.. You never forget that smell.. I know it all too well, I just wish my girly never had to go through this.. But it is the hard things that fortify our walls right? What ever happens, I love my girly, and there is no friggin way Id let her do this alone..

4- there are a lot of things floating through my head.. point and case.. don't always get feelings back that you would like.. See my second to last blog (i think.. its the unpoetic thingy).. Leona Lewis is amazing by the way.. hehe..

Anyways.. I'd love to slow down.. just chill.. I need to go camping.. and I really want to go to Magic mountain.. just need to go be.. care free.. Need to find me a hiking buddy.. Need to get out and do somethin other than hanging out at the moon.. I do love the moon, and everyone there, but I think I need something more..

6:03 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

owwie

yesterday morning, Kin 263 was a killer.. the running and the interval training was harsh.. but I didnt really think it was worse than normal.. so, I went to Scotts to go swimming. Had sooo much fun.. played foot ball in the pool, got burnt.. yay..
went to my parents house, started cleaning.... fell asleep.. got up, did a bit on the room, then went to hang out..
This morning... couldn't walk, yeah, super stiff.. but its that good stiff, sore.. I sat around stretching for a couple hours.. now I can walk, but dang, didn't know I had those muscles.. hehe.. Thanks Carly! We should do that more often!! just next time, Ill relax after.. hehe..
Im not into hurting or anything, but I love working out.. I love the feeling of sore muscles.. It makes me feel... accomplished.. I guess thats why I love the outdoors so much.. I just have to stay active to be happys.. Even in the city, we have "outdoors" for a reason, and damn, Im gonna use every bit of it..

7:16 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

follow the signs! and other things

First, I suck at darts.. =) but thats ok, atleast I hit the board now.. Why does that game have to be so fun.. I swear one of these days, after practicing my little heart out, Ill get better at it.. but for now, I love it when I actually hit somethin... if I don't, its just fun..

I fail at the follow the sign game! Grr.. Ok, so I drop Nathan off.. goin home.. my ramp to the 110.. closed.. when I got off, in the middle of downtown, I see a detour sign.. but wait, theres another ramp closer! so... Silly me goes right intstead of straight. Closed.. Keep going.. closed.. WTF? wow.. so I try my Navi.... closed.. 30 some odd minutes later, I was laughing so hard at myself.. serious, note to self, FOLLOW DETOUR SIGNS! I turned around, back tracked, through down town (which I suck at navigating by the way.. but its kinda fun getting lost anyways) and found the dang detour, which took me in the opposite direction, then back on onto the 110 S.. wow.. fun.. actually, it was..

One thing I love.. sitting in silence in my car driving home.. It doesn't matter how stressed, hyper, happy, confused, or just indifferent I am, I love that silence.. All I listen to is the tires hum.. I could have the world on my mind, and for some reason that hum, just makes all those thoughts slow down and take turns.. I love music, yes, but at night, its nice to just think.. and enjoy the road..

3:34 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

unpoetic, me

Sometimes we don't hear the words we want to hear, sometimes we dont feel the feelings we want to feel. I think I made two lefts and forgot the last, so I never made the right turn. Thanks for the memories. Ill be on my way now….
Im not perfect, my smile doesn't shine. Im just like every girl, scared of breaking the shell. Ive got my own style in everything I am and everything I do, Im proud of who I am and where my feet stand me, not so tall, on the ground, and reaching to the sky.
Pushed down to the ground, I still stand back up. Can't keep me down too long. I hurt, I break, I pick up the pieces. I pick up Pieces that don't always fit, don't always match, so I put them in my pocket and wait for the puzzle to change a little so I might fit them in.
Bend me, mold me, shape me, make my mind stretch, give me a new point of view, teach me.. Teach me about you, teach me about your world.. Im a listener, not much of a talker. Ask me what I am thinking, Ill tell you. It might be somewhat off the wall, but maybe it will make you laugh.
Pushed down to the ground, I still stand back up. Can't keep me down too long. I hurt, I break, I pick up the pieces. Pieces don't always fit, don't always match, so I put them in my pocket and wait for the puzzle to change a little so I might fit them in. Sometimes pieces fall from their place. I cry, I reach out for that fallen piece, but if I can't reach it, I remember it.
My words aren't poetic, they just speak of me. They come from my heart, they come from who I am. Im not perfect, actually Im quite odd. But can't you just love me for who I am?

2:23 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

time

I know why Im not doin well in school.. I just need time off... Ive never had a break from school. And with working, having a life, and school.. I need to just slow down and take a darn break.. which is bad cuz they don't really give you that option.. heh. Just need a semester to breath.. just work, thats all, no school. It would be absolutely wonderful.

I think after 4 years, Im home sick too. I am having a hard time being so far away from everything I know. Don't get me wrong, I love it out here, but its just.. so far from my family, my friends, and everything that was my dang life till I moved.. I needed the change, but I almost wish I could go back.. Which is funny because when I found out I was moving, I got all sad for a while, but everything happens for a reason.
and Urg.. my favorite brown glasses have up and disappeared.. yay, didn't know glasses had feet.. hehe..

2:43 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Be on my way now..
Category: Blogging

Sometimes we don't hear the words we want to hear, sometimes we dont feel the feelings we want to feel. I think I made two lefts and forgot the last, so I never made the right turn. Thanks for the memories. Ill be on my way now..

(cryptic if I do say so myself, but can't quite figure out how to say it any other way Im way too hung over. ) Its my b-day weekend and my lord so much has happened already. Did I mention I love all of you!! Thankies sooo much guys..

Gotta love Iphones, just figured out that myspace is mobile too.. yay.. feed the addiction! haha..

From my phone, waitin to catch the tail gate of the pace car.. God I love my work.. wait, correction.. Love my life. =)

1:33 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Home is here the heart is
Category: Life

It really is where my heart is.. I love this place, and I don’t want to leave.. I just got almost everything back to how I love it.. and now, Ayaka is moving.. So many reasons, nothing bad (ok, so, some things.. ) .. but still.. I know its her choice, but why now? Right when my home is what I need the most.. I have no clue where I am going to go with 3 cats and a dog.. I can’t give them up.. Those are my babies.. Ive always had a room mate/house mate, ever since I got to college.. Living alone scares the heck outa me.. Not sure how the hell Im going to do this.. Im already loosing my car because its too expensive, now.. my apartment..
Yeah, no.. don’t know anyone who would take over her room.. it is a little on the pricey side... so.. now where? I love san pedro, but don’t know anyone out here.. Long Beach.. oi vey, not really into living around school.. the commute from burbank is just darn dumb.. this is going to mess with school.. thank god not my EMT recert stuff, but next semester..

11:47 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Where am I going?
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

where am I going? Well as of now, Im off to chicago in June, finally. Get to go to Neocon with my dad and Brother and hang out with cassie. Yay! After years of wanting to get out there, IM GOING!
Then, its back home and back into the EMT/Paramedic program at UCLA.. Yay.. thats where the question comes in.. where am I going? I don’t really know.. I do know as of now that Ive had something opened to me that has been a life dream.. I have the support now to go through with being a Firefighter Paramedic.. yeah.. Sooo.. Dr. Pepper, yeah, that will still happen, but now I get to do something I love while getting there.. Im not really sure what will happen or where I will go.. All I know is this is going to open up a lot for me.. Im not worried about med school, I can go back when ever really.. We’ll see.. Its all up to where the wind blows me..

6:35 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment