Shiva's A Multidimensional Perception
You can lead humans to knowledge but you can't make them think! Grand Tetons, August 1984 1984-2005 A Multidimensional Perception
Back from the Edge to the Ice Coast
Current mood: awake
Category: Life
Sometimes Life has other plans than the ones we might have for ourselves... This has happened to me before & always seems brings me face to face with Death in one form or another... this time I got a stomach flu on my flight to the Edge... by the time I landed I was barely able to walk & had a wicked headache to go with really bad cramps. It brought up some old fears of being taken to the hospital for Intestinal Obstruction & needing an major emergency operation to stay alive. This time I was able to stay with the pain & breathe thru it until I healed myself of this fear, at least this time I was able to. It could happen again at anytime tho. So this is how I spent the first week & a half of my vacation & tho it was perfect sunny Southern California weather, I was unable to go out & enjoy it till I was feeling better. By that time it was only a week or so left & I had finally gotten adjusted to the time shift out there.... Now tho I had to prepare for leaving & hadn’t done any of the things I had planned.
Now I am back on the Ice Coast, where it was only 36 out when I landed at the airport & then dropped to 26 that night. I did bring the sunshine with me tho & today it hit 62... I am still trying to adjust to the time shift backwards. It will take me a few more days to readjust.
Photo by Glenn Callahan. Way Out Wax and Vermont Naturals owner Jim Rossiter in the production area of his Morrisville industrial park facility.
When a cigar shop owner in Oslo, Norway, wanted a product that would eliminate smoke odor, he contacted Way Out Wax, a natural candle company in Morrisville.
He placed a $350 order for Clean Air candles. The patented candle formula eliminates odors in the air by attracting odor particles, attaching to them, and neutralizing the unwanted smell.
The cigar shop owner had discovered the product while vacationing in Vermont and couldn't find anything like it back home.
Way Out Wax ships most of its orders domestically, but international orders like the one for Oslo last week are becoming more common.
"The only continent we haven't shipped to is Antarctica," said Dave Cacciamani, company vice president.
Founded in 1992, Way Out Wax manufactures products — candles and room sprays made from all-natural ingredients and essential oils — sold in health food and natural product stores, gift shops and online.
The company's products are also sold at national health food store chains, including Whole Foods, and the company's Vermont Soy candle brand is sold in the gift departments of large retailers such as TJ Maxx, Marshall's and Urban Outfitters. Way Out Wax also makes candles for several private label companies.
All told, the company has 650 accounts across the U.S.
Sales broke $1 million for the first time in 2006 and have been growing 15 to 20 percent per year since the 1990s. That's a lot of candles when you consider the best-selling item is a $2 votive candle and the most expensive is a $30 pillar candle.
All-natural, environmentally friendly ingredients and specially blended aromatherapy scents make the candles stand out from other brands, say James Rossiter, company president, and Cacciamani.
"It's important for us to be connected to the Earth," Rossiter said. "It's about sustainability and ecological consciousness."
Finding a natural niche
Rossiter and Cacciamani were entrepreneurs when they met as students at Syracuse University; they designed, made and sold tie-dye and batik T-shirts.
After graduating from college and moving to Vermont, Rossiter decided to take the tie-dye concept in a new direction.
"The idea was to make a product that would appeal to the same clientele, but something no one else had," Rossiter said.
His invention: tie-dye and kaleidoscope candles.
"It was a tie-dyed candle instead of a tie-dyed T-shirt," Rossiter said. "No one else had that."
He met up with Cacciamani, who had moved to Vermont, and they formed Way Out Wax, naming the company for the candles' avant-garde appearance.
After teaming up with their wax supplier, Vermont Soy Wax, for a few years, they acquired the company.
During the 1990s, they made all the candles themselves, selling them out of storefronts in Burlington and Waterbury Center.
The shift toward all-natural candles began in 1994, when they started making scented jar candles.
"Our kaleidoscope candles were laden with dyes and additives that we discovered were indoor pollutants," Cacciamani said. "We decided to move into aromatherapy before it was popular."
A friend who worked as an aromotherapist put together several blends of what are called synergies — essential oils with therapeutic values, such as tranquility and clarity.
Now, Way Out Wax sells six synergies in its Green Mountain Candle line, along with 10 single scents. It will add six more synergies to its line next month.
Other natural products followed, including Garden Peace insect-repellent candles and body sprays and Non Scents unscented candles.
The company brands its Clean Air line of candles and room sprays differently, marketing it under its own label.
The product removes unpleasant odors without chemicals. Instead, natural odor neutralizers work to get rid of airborne particles through molecular change. They attach to the particles, breaking them down into inert compounds.
"We stand by the product as the most effective odor neutralizer out there," Cacciamani said. "Once people buy it, they come back for more."
By 2000, the company had closed both storefronts and moved operations to Morrisville.
Visitors to the 12,000-square-foot warehouse on Harrell Street can't help noticing the heady fragrances of lavender, citrus, peppermint and cinnamon wafting through the place.
Putting values first
Way Out Wax's philosophy is rooted in what Rossiter and Cacciamani refer to as the "triple bottom line" — people, planet, then profit.
"We try to create a family atmosphere," Rossiter said.
The company strives for a work atmosphere where creativity, flexibility and respect are given top priority. It employs 17 full-time workers.
Way Out Wax also maintains a roster of temporary workers — mostly former employees who have left to start families — who come in for evening and weekend shifts during busy seasons.
Employees take an annual trip together. Past destinations have included the Stone Hut on Mt . Mansfield, Beaver Meadow and the Green River Reservoir.
The company's commitment to the environment has strengthened over the years, and Way Out Wax has modified its manufacturing processes accordingly.
Its container candles are made of soy wax and its pillar candles are made of vegetable-based paraffin. All of its candles have clean-burning cotton wicks; metal wicks often contain lead.
"As we grow as a company, our base grows and it allows us to dig down deeper to make the product more green," Cacciamani said. "We want to be a zero-waste company in every way possible, down to using soy-based ink on our labels.
Cacciamani's waste-not philosophy extends to the factory floor. Spilled wax is carefully scraped from tables, melted and reused. Recycled food-service carts serve as pallets, while industrial cookie sheets hold finished candles. Old coffee urns have been recycled into wax-melting machines.
"It's about promoting a lifestyle, the way things used to be before petrochemicals," Cacciamani said. "If we take from the Earth, we have to give back. Otherwise, what will we have left?"
Room to grow
A rapidly expanding natural products market and endless combinations of essential oil fragrances have worked in Way Out Wax's favor.
Sales were buoyed last year when the company revamped its Web site. Now, the Web accounts for 15 percent of overall sales.
Attention from natural product Web sites and blogs, including www.NaturalHome.com, www.dailygreen.com, and www.appartmenttherapy.com, have put Way Out Wax products in the spotlight.
Later this year, the company will introduce a line of "chakra" candles — each candle represents a different chakra or energy center along the spine and has its own scent and color. And soon it will sell a line of organic candles.
The company frequently turns to customers for opinions, and suggestions for new product lines. Recently, for example, it began working with a recycled glass wholesaler to produce candle jars.
"Years ago, the cost to produce all-natural products was prohibitively expensive because there weren't a lot of suppliers and there wasn't a huge demand for it," Cacciamani said. "Now, we've come full circle. Stores like Whole Foods have such a presence, it's created a conscious shift."
It's the perfect time to expand, he said.
"We could have launched some of these products 10 years ago, but they would have flopped," Cacciamani said. "Now, there's a market for it."
Rossiter agrees: "I like to think the market finally caught up with us," he said.
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Currently
watching
:
The Arrival Release date: 17 June, 1997
Irrational beliefs about how an object, event, happening, or feeling will result in negative, disastrous, life threatening, disturbing, or unsettling consequences for you.
Result of giving power to your objects of irrational belief, letting them rule you rather than you ruling them.
Underlying motive behind many of your actions and lack of action that block your thinking, problem solving and decision making abilities.
Negative self-scripts you have either given yourself or that were given to you about how you will suffer dire consequences if you involve yourself in certain activities, behavior, or events.
Disabling beliefs you carry in yourself that prevent you from living a productive, healthy, and growth-enhancing life.
Underlying foundation of a weak self-image and self-concept; they keep you from fully asserting yourself, and that hinders your quest for self-actualization.
Inhibitors, emotional blocks, unconscious messages, and uncovered elements of your psychological make up. They result in your being resistant, hesitant, or unwilling to participate in nurturing, healing activities such as counseling, support groups, or therapy.
Beliefs about not only the known elements of life, but also of the nebulous, transient, and unknown elements of life that result in your inability to feel comfortable in ill-defined situations.
"Comfortable" ways of acting and responding. Because of their habitual and well established nature, fears can become second nature; therefore, being extremely resistant to change or alteration.
Basis of your negative belief system. If you were no longer the recipient of the negative consequences that the fears predicted, you would have to take off your "mask" and become authentic.
Excuses behind which people hide to avoid change or growth. To rid yourself of your fears is to rid yourself of the lifelong reasons for avoiding personal growth.
How to overcome fear:
Resolve guilt Die to self Look beyond the obstacles, focus on your goal Choose to trust in the universe and the divine Understand grace Be constantly thankful. Count your blessings. Use positive confessions of faith Acknowledge that you are bigger than that which you fear Receive healing for emotional wounds Resist negative forces in your life Close the door to your past Break generational curses in your life Receive sources of power from outside yourself Overcome the fear of failure. Commit to facing the fear. That is courage. Action is always the cure for fear!!!
My First Offical Commercially Released Live Recordings ******************************************************************************** An old Blue friend of mine has recently released some of my live recordings of his old Electric Blues Band shows. I call him the Blues Guru because he knows so much about it & tells his stories about life's little lessons in his songs. ******************************************************************************** A true "must have" for DubbHeads... the first collection of rare live concert performance of The Doug MacLeod Band from 1991. This is Volume 1 & 2 currently released jewels from the archives of Dubb's electric band days. This is really terrific stuff! Currently available for download on eMusic. iTunes and others coming soon. There are no current plans to release these tracks on CD. Notes from Black & Tan: The Doug MacLeod Band released four studio records but these never captured completely what the band was about. In Doug's own opinion these live recordings do. Thanks to Shiva Ho who recorded the band live in the tradition of the Grateful Dead Deadheads this music lives on. These songs are all written by Doug and were released on the albums including the unavailable German releases. The musicians on these tracks include Ed Czach, Mike Thompson, and Rich Wenzel keyboards. Eric Ajaye and Bobby Tsukumoto on Bass. And last but certainly not least Lee Spath on the Drums. **********************************************************************************
Featured Artist: Doug MacLeod Band Live in 1991 Vol. 1. & 2.
To Purchase these Recordings Click on the Album Cover
Live in 1991 Volume 1. 1. I Lost Something This Morning 2. Lone Wolf 3. Mystery Woman 4. Patti Joy 5. Roll Like a River 6. Send the Soul on Home 7. Sometimes I Wonder 8. I think You're Steppin' Out on Me 9. Still Some Smoke 10. Time for a Change 11. Walking My Way Back to You
A true "must have" for DubbHeads... the first collection of rare live concert performance of The Doug MacLeod Band from 1991. This is Volume 2 of two currently released jewels from the archives of Dubb's electric band days. This is really terrific stuff! Currently available for download on eMusic. iTunes and others coming soon. There are no current plans to release these tracks on CD.
Notes from Black & Tan: These songs (including a few instrumentals) are all written by Doug and were never released before. They are a true 'must have' for the fans.
1. $5-$20 Floyd 2. Slippin' Down(Kenny's Groove) 3. Why Can't We All Get Along? 4. Pee Wee's Groove 5. 54th and Vermont 6. Deliver Me 7. LA the Siren of the West 8. SRV
Currently
listening
:
Ain’t the Blues Evil
By
Doug MacLeod
Release date: 14 June, 1991
Autumn Colors
Current mood: In Awe
Category: In Awe Life
This was the last week of August & some of the first few trees to turn colors.
Its been a rather warm Autumn so far this year which has prolonged the Foliage for a lot longer transformational period. Usually it only lasts a week or two with the peak happening around the last week in Sept. This year the colors started earlier & have lasted thru this week being the peak. It seems they have been much more vibrant this year than in past years.
This Blue Heron has been in the same place almost everyday this month.
Red Solar Dragon
Current mood: awake
Category: Life
Red Solar Dragon
Tone 9: Solar - Greater Cycles & Expansion
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Red Dragon is your Conscious Self - who you are and who you are becoming.
Red Dragon represents the root source of life, the nurturance and support of primary being, and within it are found the primal waters of unity. This is where your deepest roots receive true nourishment. Red Dragon is the energy of form contained within the formlessness of the primordial sea.
Primal trust means making choices with no guarantees, knowing that divine nurturance will provide what is needed for your journey. It means making choices moment by moment, implicitly trusting your innate steering mechanism of heart-knowing. Primal trust implies surrendering to the will of the divine self, letting go of what your ego deems to be control of the outcomes in your life. It means deeply trusting the processes that are at work within your present spiral of evolution.
The energy of Red Dragon asks you to embrace the depth of your receptivity. Perhaps you have been taught that it is better to give than to receive. Giving is a powerful way to learn how to receive, but it is not the whole picture. There is a circuit of completion in giving and receiving that happens within you and in your external world at the same time. If you trust unconditionally in the giving, you are not attached to how the gift is received. When you freely give, you fill your cup with sweet waters, which you can then offern innocently and purely to another. Know, on one level, that your gift is poured out universally regardless of how it appears to be received. However, when the gift comes from the ego, it is limited by expectations and conditions. Love just is. It is neither given nor taken; rather it is simply discovered and allowed.
The universe is an inseparable whole. Red Dragon represents the energy matrix lines that look like a web in the universe, through which all points are connected in time and space. This energetic web of communication is known as the 'crystal grid network.' It is a cauldron of creation, a potent field in which all things are not only possible but constantly being created. Within this grid, the linear causality of time and space has been freed into an open system in which all time and all space exist and interact simultaneously. This grid connects the larger holograms of reality with our own. Its energy lines connect all places, times and events - even those that are seemingly unrelated. All phenomena and all actions are part of this larger whole; it is the very foundation for telepathy and synchronicity. Red Dragon embodies unity, in which all things are one with the Source.
Red Earth is your Higher Self & Guide.
Red Earth is the access point to your natural alignment with Earth force. It is the unis mundi, the point of perfect centeredness in the eternal present from which all alignment and magic manifest. Your center, the Earth center, is the secret of gravity's magnetizing force. Red Earth is the channel of harmonic synchronization that is aligned with the galactic heart. From the center point within eslf, you align with this galactic center and connect through your own crystalline structure to the larger crystal grid network. To keep this channel of synchronization open, connect to the elemental energies of earth, air, fire and water, and the seven directional guardians.
Cosmic consciousness is not just 'out there'; it is also resonating within you. Be sacramentally rooted where you are. You are made of the Earth! Look through the 'eyes' in your feet. Your body is the present focus of your consciousness - through it all gifts are received. Remember, too, that your environment is alive and reacts to your awareness of it; therefore, the way you perceive the Earth and your physical form affects the information you receive.
Red Earth is the Earth keeper, the keeper of the garden, the shaman/healer who, through reverence for all life, heals and sanctifies the Earth. Earth keepers preserve the harmonic relationship with nature by connecting to the wisdom held in matter. In Latin, mater means "mother". As you bring light into yourself, you bring light into matter. You and the Earth both contain the holographic seed of the new consciousness emerging.
Center yourself in the present moment! This is where you can most beneficially observe the synchronicities and revelations about your personal pattern and larger purpose. From here your mind can learn to be keenly observant, allowing the larger pattern to take shape as naturally as the small brushstrokes that eventually complete a beautiful painting.
Sit in simple relationship to the Earth, like a poet enraptured in a forest. Be rooted where you are now. Out of synergistic centeredness, you will receive your greatest desires and open to the full flowering of the mystic power of the universe. This synchronization can be seen as the alignment of your personal myth with the greater myth of our times. Myth is the framework or "story" in which the truth of the cosmos is revealed in symbolic form. Utilize it to catalyze your unfolding alignment.
By accepting your physical form and your growth process in this world, you access the hub of centeredness out of which all the truth and magic of the universe unfold.
Take off your shoes. Touch the one Earth. Find a place to dance with the sacred hoop of life. Contribute your vision as an awakened member of the global rainbow family!
Yellow Sun is your Subconscious Self and Hidden Helper.
Yellow Sun is a reminder that you are, at every moment, in the center of All That Is. In your journey of remembrance, you are crafting a light body to return to a home in the stars that you never really left. Return as a child of the sacred to the Great Central Sun! You are the crown of creation, infused with the blueprint of solar mind. You are a Godseed, the reflection of cosmic consciousness. You are love made visible!
Discover the simple secret encoded in Ahau's star-glyph: you are unconditional love, the stone of indestructible liberation. Radiate that knowing in all your thoughts and actions. Love all of creation. Join the dance of light, the fundamental constant of nature, and shine forth the clarity of your true essence. There is great power in simply identifying with the light: "As above, so below." You are in God, and God is in you.
As you express unconditional love, you become more than you previously perceived yourself to be. You become illumined, the full manifestation of your divinity. In the embrace of your humanity, accept yourself and others unconditionally. Magnify your full presence. Ahau will come in myriad forms to assist you. Be limitless. Accept and understand the nature of judgement, fear, light and dark within yourself and others. Love and accept yourself and others as you are, freed from previous boundaries. You are the dawning of the solar age.
As you move toward your core of light, you will find a clear-light awareness that is innately innocent. In this place, the mind is restored to it's original state of receptivity. Clarity and freedom become expressions of being, and bliss becomes the body. At this core of light, a new reality is born. From the union of the divine masculine and feminine is birthed the solar androgyny of cosmic consciousness.
Blue Monkey represents your Challenge and Gift. With maturity and awareness this challenge will turn into a Focus. This is what you desire to learn in this lifetime.
There are many facets to Blue Monkey's shadow. The most common of these is not seeing the humour in life's experiences. If you take life too seriously, humour may offer the relief of an unexpected point of view. Follow your divine child, and you will be shown how to "play" your way through any apparently difficult situation. Humour is a great healer and teacher, and a wonderful way to lighten up about enlightenment.
Another prominent shadow of Blue Monkey is avoiding speaking your truth. Do you use humour to express things that you are afraid to say to someone honestly and directly? Do you use humour to hide your vulnerability? Perhaps you use sarcasm because you feel wounded, insecure or unable to express your deep feelings. Such use of humour is a way to bring out hidden anger or aggression. If you find yourself caught in inappropriate play, consciously step out of it and bring in the missing awareness.
Trust your magical child to be vulnerable. Express your feelings - especially your awkwardness - in a direct way. Let go of using pretense or humour as means of masking your true feelings. Like the divine child you are, allow all emotions to be OK, and freely express them without judgement.
The issue of sensitivity also lies in the shadows of Blue Monkey. Perhaps your inner child was unthinkingly wounded or suppressed by social expectation. Perhaps your gift of sensitivity was not supported by parental figures or the culture at large. In order to protect yourself from this criticism, you may have withdrawn, supprssed your self-expression and creativity, or become absorbed in fantasy worlds. Honestly examine any dynsfunctional, hidden reactions or set patterns you may have that resulted from such woundings. Transform this shadow by becoming aware of your emotional reactions and perceptions of insensitivity. Then express the feelings around it before you get too deeply enmeshed in the cycle of emotional reaction.
In Western culture, many people have a distorted understanding about what it is to be a human being. We are often taught that successful adults are responsible, serious, rigid, controlled, and goal oriented. In your journey with society, your developmental stages may have been incomplete. The natural sensitivity, fluidity and freedom of the child may have been left behind in partial passage. Perhaps your inner child was wounded or treated insensitively, and you carried this unresolved process into adulthood. Blue Monkey encourages you to bring forth this incomplete or wounded part for integration and healing.
This process implies a bounteous connection between Essence Self and Spirit, freed from judgement, denial and separation. It encourages an unconstrained experience of feelings, living your dreams and visions, where everything is sacred and so, by nature, humourous and joyful. Live your dreams! The moment is now. In this co-creative process, your life literally becomes a work of art and the dawning of the new myth.
In this new myth, your spontaneous, divine child will usher in and anchor the new frequency. How can you heal your inner child? Explore what truly gives you joy. Find types of work that support your sensitivity and create deep satisfaction. Be simple: love, play, dance, draw, colour, sing. These activities are for all divine children - they serve the expression of the magical child in everyone. Consciously make time for the joyful freedom and magic of play!
White Mirror is your Compliment - something that comes naturally to you.
White Mirror represents the Hall of Mirrors, where you can face your own reflection and see the truth about yourself. As a mirror, White Mirror merely reflects what is, whether truth, beauty or illusion. Here you can face unfinished business, the dissonance of difficulties, or charged issues that would keep you from the full expression of your Divinity. Become aware of any illusions or distortions within yourself; your clarity of perception will transform them. Take a moment to see yourself as you actually are, shadow and all, freed from the maze of mental illusion.
Sometimes you may find yourself reacting rather than freely responding to a situation or person. If you have charged reactions such as frustration, anger, fear, judgement or jealousy, look at how you might be projecting these issues onto someone else. The world is the mirror for you to truly see. Any strong reaction to a person or event signals an issue to work on in yourself. Be willing to examine and utilize what you see in your mirrors, in order to transform dysfunctional belief systems, negative thoughtforms, and fixed patterns.
In the Hall of Mirrors there is no good or bad, no right or wrong - there is only the reflection of what is. As you learn to see yourself, you begin to see your emotional reactions as signs indicating where to focus your awareness for growth.
On this quest, come prepared to face White Mirror's sword of truth and purification. The wisdom of this sword penetrates, exposes, and ultimately heals your illusions. Discrimination is tempered with love cleanly cuts away everything that does not serve your evolution. To the Maya, White Mirror is the flint that hones your sword.
The greatest gift of the sword is the power of forgiveness. A profound freedom emerges from forgiveness, the releasing of the illusion of cause and effect. Use the great gifts offered in this blad of truth and light to forgive and release anything you may judge or see as imperfect.
You are already an Enlightened Being!
White Mirror's are able to clearly reflect others back to themselves once their own mirror is clear.
Your Tone is Tone 9 - Solar
Completion, expansion, mastery, larger cycles of time, fulfillment, grand design.
Nine is the ray of greater cycles, the foundation of self opening to the four points of measure and cycle. It is the grand design, the unfolding order of the larger pattern. With the Solar tone of nine, you are being offered the embrace of longed-for completion. Fulfill your pattern, your circle. Embody the mastery and wisdom you came to express. This ray asks you to be rather than try to be. Embody the wisdom of the larger cycles. Become the one who shines the light for others. You are the humanitarian whose being unfolds the larger pattern of the new world.
In the grand cycle of time, nine is the number of completion and expansion. What is it that you are being asked to complete? Can you see the clues to this lifetime of completion? As you expand, shed old patterns that do not support your growth. Receive completion's fulfillment. You are poised on an arc of a grand cycle of time. In this cycle, time and space fold, past and future merge, and lifetimes meld in completion. Join in the fulfillment of the mystery of the triple triangle by offering your mystery to be woven into the larger loom of reality.
You are both grounded and flexible. You adapt well to new situations. You are playful and free spirited - but you are also dependable and never flaky.
You don't do well in conservative, stuffy situations. It's probably very hard for you to keep a normal job or stay in school.
You are always up for fun and adventure. Most people are too boring for you. You take risks and bend the rules. And if things don't work out, you chock it up to life experience.
In love, you tend to take things quickly - but you have a huge problem with commitment.
At work, you need to make your own rules. You're best suited to be an entrepreneur.
With others, you are animated and physical. You prefer doing something with friends to just hanging out.
As far as your looks go, you tend to be buff and in good shape. Your spend more time on your body than your clothes.
On weekends, you need to keep active. From cooking up a storm to running a 5K, you wear yourself out.
Back from the edge!!!
Current mood: excited
Category: Life
For those of you who know me somewhat know that I use to live in Southern California for most of my Adult life & that a few years ago I was called to come live with my folks who are now in their late 70's & 80's.
Since then I have been experiencing severe migraine headaches that were a daily occurence which I just thought I had to live with. Well an old friend/lover works at a headache clinic in Ojai, CA & got me in there over the holydays for an evaluation & therapy. I must say I was skeptical of anything that involved Doctors & Pills, But I was surprised by the results....I have gone for a week without waking up with a head ache & feel that it is the results of the preventative medicine they perscribed. I feel like I have my life back somewhat to start anew...
When I moved back here to the east coast I felt it was probably to die again & on some level it has been like that...a death to my old life & way of being a victim....It took coming here to face my demons & my tormentor to realize I am stronger than all of that...It felt I was very close to leaving this body once & for all, so close to that edge between living & dying again, but now I sense a reawakening of my essence within & feel ready to move forward again with hope in a brighter future at least for myself....
Currently
listening
:
Home
By
Dixie Chicks
Release date: 27 August, 2002
California Dreaming on Such a Winters Day
Current mood: depressed
Category: Life
Long Ago when I once lived here in the Northeastern US, I felt that if I stayed here any longer I would die soon..... Well 23 years later I moved back & that feeling has returned.... I have been dreaming of being in warm sunny sourthern California for sometime now....Time for me to head back there to rejuvinate in Matilija Hot Springs & soak up some sun & possibly save my self from the darkness & depression & toxicity that is New England.
I spent this past Holiday all by myself & my kitties...My Folks went to the annual Ho gathering at my Uncles in Binghampton, NY. On the one hand I really enjoyed having the place to myself & on the other I was really lonely & missing my real family of friends & lovers. Since being here I have found it difficult to find anyone who isn't addicted to substances enough to feel I can trust them with my life let alone want to really open up to them. The quest for someone aware enough to want to hang with is becoming futile... So my real friends here online & in distant lands I will be heading to California in December to spend time with real friends & family, people whom I trust with my life & my love...who care enough about me to want me to come & spend time with them. For any of my friends in SoCal who'd like to get together let me know....I am also going to a special HeadAche Clinic in Ojai to see if they can help me.
Currently
listening
:
California Dreamin'
By
The Mamas & the Papas
Release date: 01 January, 1995
In December 2002, the city of Chicago dedicated a statue called "The Flame of the Millennium"-- a seven-ton, stainless-steel, abstract rendering of a flame in high wind, standing over the Kennedy Expressway, just west of the downtown Loop. Last Friday, November 3, the statue appeared to be on fire. When authorities got there, they found a video camera, a canister of gasoline, a sign reading "Thou Shalt Not Kill", and a human body so badly charred that it was impossible to determine its sex. Someone had self-immolated, near a highway off-ramp, amid rush-hour traffic.
Over the next few days, members of Chicago's avant-garde music community would be shocked to learn that the person who'd done this was one of their own-- someone many of them had been running into, several nights a week, for more than a decade. Tougher still would be dealing with the reasons behind it. According to the statements left on his website, 52-year-old Malachi Ritscher had set himself on fire to protest the war in Iraq and the politics that allowed it to happen. And thus began the same debate, among his friends, among the public, on blogs, and in comment boxes across the internet-- an argument about which of two pigeonholes we'd slot this into: Was it an important act of political protest, or the tragic end of a mentally ill person?
* * *
Most fans of underground music are probably aware of Chicago's experimental music scene, or at least its most prominent figures: People like jazz saxophonist Ken Vandermark, who won a MacArthur Fellowship in 1999, or the countless players-- Jeb Bishop, Chad Taylor, Fred Lonberg-Holm-- whose names became recognizable to indie fans during the 1990s, in the heyday of Chicago post-rock. If you haven't spent time in Chicago, though, it's easy to underestimate how vibrant the scene is, and has been. Over the past decade, every week in the city has offered multiple opportunities to see avant-garde music, improvised instrumental performances, and free jazz performed by musicians from around the city and around the world, all of it supported by a large and complex circle of artists and fans. Just tracking down who's playing with whom can be a discographer's nightmare: This is a scene that cooperates.
And those most involved in that scene knew Malachi Ritscher. For years, he'd been a constant presence in the community, and probably its most committed documentarian: From the late 1980s onward, he spent an incredible number of nights out at shows, recording and photographing the musicians, and spending time with other fans. "According to his website, he recorded approximately 2,000 shows," says Dave Rempis, who plays saxophone in the Vandermark Five. "That would be six years of recording a show every single night. And from being around this scene, I can tell you that's not at all an overestimation. He was constantly at concerts-- I'd see him five nights a week."
"The recording was a big deal," says percussionist Michael Zerang, who's also played in a Vandermark-led group. "A lot of us couldn't afford recordings, and he would do it and virtually give it to us for free." Dozens of those recordings wound up becoming official releases, either through the artist's labels, or through Ritcher's own Savage Sound Syndicate. "Whenever I saw him," says Rempis, "he'd have a stack of 10 or 20 CD-Rs in his bag, so he could say, 'Oh yeah, I have something for you.'"
For most people, Ritscher's support meant just as much as his recording skills-- especially when it came to music that was so lacking in any kind of broad commercial appeal. "Just by being present all the time," says Zerang, laughing fondly, "well, there was always at least one person there." Bruce Finkelman owns the Empty Bottle-- a key venue for rock and experimental music-- and became used to seeing Ritscher show up for just about all of it: "Twenty below zero temperatures, three people in the club, and Malachi was one of them. Five feet of snow on the ground, and no one showing up, and he was there." It's a level of passion and enthusiasm that should be unimaginable to most of us-- going out, every other night, even in Chicago winters, to see free jazz?
All of these people remember Ritscher warmly: He was kind, intelligent, funny, outgoing, polite. And yet there's not much doubt that Ritscher was also, in a lot of ways, alone. He was born Mark David Ritscher, in 1954, in North Dakota; according to the obituary he posted to his own website, he dropped out of high school and married at age 17. He had a son. Ten years later, when his marriage dissolved, Ritscher moved to Chicago and immersed himself in the music scene-- taking his son's name, Malachi, for his own. Music wasn't the only thing he immersed himself in, either: He was an active anti-war activist, an avid photographer, a collector, a reader, and a writer. He painted watercolors, wrote poetry, dabbled with various musical instruments, and grew peppers for his own hot-sauce recipe.
One thing he did not seem to do was forge close friendships. He was estranged from his ex-wife, son, and grandchildren. People in Chicago knew him, saw him often, and found him outgoing and friendly-- but that tended to be the extent of it. "I always kind of got the impression that Malachi chose to distance himself a little bit from people," says Rempis. "I don't think he had a regular group of friends who called him up and said 'Do you want to go out on Friday night?' He moved as an individual, mostly. He was to some degree a loner, and I think he would probably describe himself that way-- the ironic part of it being that he knew hundreds of people around town. For me, I don't even know if I had his phone number, but I saw him maybe three nights a week. He knew many, many people who without a doubt would have described him as a friend."
Writing his own obituary, Ritscher says much the same: "As a child, he was intensely afraid of many things, especially heights; he spent the rest of his life trying to face his fears, without ever coming to terms with his fear of people....He had many acquaintances, but few friends; and wrote his own obituary, because no one else really knew him."
* * *
Self-immolation is not a common act, mostly because it's one of the slowest, most painful, and messiest ways a person can kill himself. For most Americans, consciousness of the act comes down to one man, and one photograph: a 1963 shot of a Vietnamese monk named Thích Qu?ng Ð?c, seated in the Lotus position in the middle of a Saigon street, consumed by flames, protesting the treatment of Buddhists under a Catholic regime. The few monks who did this didn't consider it suicide, but rather a form of non-violent protest-- a way for pacifists to speak louder than those who kill. (Gandhi, when questioned on the limits of pacifism, had suggested similar thinking.) There's no question that self-immolation is agonizing, and that's precisely why it's been used as a form of protest: It's meant to show an intense commitment to one's cause.
Malachi Ritscher is one of fewer than 10 people in American history to have done this. And as of 2006, it's hard to imagine how an American could successfully use self-immolation as a form of protest. You can't tell anyone about it: Most people would try to dissuade you, or even have you committed for your own protection. It's something you'll inevitably do alone; it's something that major media will not widely report; and it's something most people will conclude was the work of a very ill person.
Back, then, to the question everyone's asking, the question you probably already have strong opinions on: Was Malachi Ritscher a political martyr or a mentally troubled suicide? Let me tip my editorial hand and claim something: The argument is a distraction, and it's the wrong question to ask. It assumes too much. It assumes that the two things are mutually exclusive, or binaries, and that they can't be jumbled intractably in someone's thinking. It assumes that there's a clear, distinct line between rational politics and personal emotions. And it assumes that a troubled person can't legitimately mean what he says, even if his way of expressing it is tragic.
But if there's anything we can learn from Malachi Ritscher, it's that none of these things are that simple. On the one hand-- whether or not he suffered from mental illness, as his son has claimed in the comments box beneath Peter Margasak's Chicago Reader blog post, the first reporting done on Ritscher's death-- it's easy to conclude that he was an isolated person, with a life full of hobbies and passions but not much else. (Forgive me for saying it, but if any of you reading this spend most of your time alone at computers, blogging and posting to message boards but not always doing the tough, tiring work of going out and forging messy human relationships with the people around you, this is something to remember: Try hard.) At 52 years old, going to shows every night, estranged from his son and grandchildren, and without anyone incredibly close to him, how easy would it have been for Ritscher to decide that there wasn't much in the future he'd really miss if he weren't around?
On the other hand, Ritscher was intensely politically committed, and had been for years, and the texts on his website explain this as a political act. His acquaintances in the music world insist on doing him the credit of taking that seriously. "On the surface, that's what he said and that's what he did," says Zerang. "I'll take that at face value. It's a very potent message. People raise the specter of mental illness, and, well, okay-- but I don't see how that takes away the power of his message.
"In all the years I've known him, I've never perceived him as someone who was mentally ill. That doesn't mean he wasn't, but I never saw it. I look at his action, and these are his reasons, so let's talk about it in those terms."
Rempis' understanding is similar. "I think there was a pretty clear debate happening about whether this was an act of depression or whether it was a political act, and either way it's a pretty difficult thing for his friends and family to deal with. It's really tragic. I saw him in the weeks leading up to this, and I talked to two musicians today in New York who he'd sent correspondence to in the past few weeks-- with CDs of shows they'd recently done out here, and friendly, upbeat letters. I think this is something he'd been considering for a very long time, and more of a political act than an act of depression. He was really trying to express something here, and I think it's spelled out pretty clearly on his website."
It's the reception of the "Mission Statement" on that website that offers some of the strangest cues. One of the few major-media voices that's addressed it is Richard Roeper, in his column for the Chicago Sun-Times: Quoting heavily from Ritscher's note, he describes the text as intelligent but "bitter" and "disturbed." And in at least one spot, it genuinely is: Ritscher talks about having walked past Donald Rumsfeld one day, with "a knife clenched in my hand," and regrets not having assassinated the Secretary of Defense. Leave alone the sad irony of Rumsfeld's resignation a few days after Ritscher's death, or the question of how Rumsfeld's absence would have changed much about the war: This is frightening and morally confused, the same logic that animates people to gun down reproductive health workers.
What's interesting, though, is the rest of it. It's no Unabomber-like rant, or conspiracy tract: For the most part it's thoughtful and relaxed. More importantly, no matter what you think of the views expressed, they're not particularly different from the ones you'll find on any number of leftist, anti-war, third-party, or independent-media websites, blogs, papers, or message boards. Ritscher's feelings about this country and about the war, extreme or not, are ones no small number of people share.
And that's important, because there's no reason to believe that politics and mental health don't have anything to do with each other. A person's depression or hopelessness can be exacerbated by any number of events in his personal life: rejection, loneliness, failure. At the same time, that hopelessness can be exacerbated by his experience of politics: The feeling of being alienated, ignored, or powerless to stop injustice. Whether the source is the people around you or the news on the television, the result is the same: You wind up feeling thwarted, frustrated, and weak. And if enough people feel this way, it makes sense that one of them-- possibly one of them with plenty of other issues in his life-- might take the kind of action Ritscher did. It doesn't make him right, or a martyr. It just makes him a piece of very shocking evidence that some of the people around us feel very hurt and marginalized. Most of them, thankfully, have found-- and will find-- much better ways to deal with it.
"A lot of us feel like he sort of took a karmic shit for us," says Zerang. "Because so many of us were upset with the way these wars are happening and people are dying-- we do what we can in our own ways, but truly there's a lot of frustration about that. And then he did this and it's almost like he took the hit for us. It's been very interesting to see the responses and how the dialogue has emerged around town. In the last week there've been concerts, a lot of good concerts, so the community has been out in force, and just talking. It's just remarkable how many diverging opinions there are about this."
* * *
Interpretation of the act might be up in the air, but the one thing just about everyone agrees on is the wish that he hadn't done it. His siblings and parents, proud as they can be of how much he meant to the Chicago music world, or even his final actions, are obviously grieving; his son Malachi, faced with this final estrangement, is obviously hurt. And the musicians around him will certainly feel the loss of someone who'd been a constant presence in their world. The most they can do us try to find something positive in it. "There's nothing I can argue with, apart from the final action he took," says Zerang. "Roeper's last line was something like, 'It's going to be a futile act,' but the jury's out on that, right? Something can come of it, it can resonate with people. And if that happens, it's not a futile act. And the people in the community here in Chicago are talking and looking at things differently-- so right there, it's not a futile act. For better or worse, he changed something."
Just as important, there's everything else he left behind. A few days after his death, a package arrived for Bruno Johnson, owner of the free-jazz label Okka Disk: It contained, as reported by the Reader, "[Ritscher's] will, keys to his home, and instructions about what should be done with his belongings." Among his possessions is one legacy: An archive of the Chicago experimental scene stretching back for two decades. And for the musicians, there's another: The memory and invaluable support of at least one enthusiast who, no matter when they were playing, and no matter how few people showed up, was always there to cheer them on.
*************************************************** A PERSONAL NOTE FROM SHIVA:
What amazes me about this is how closely it reflects my own life...only I am still here...I too have been recording/documenting live music for 26 years....& feel alone in this world regardless of how many people I come to meet. I think this is the human condition we all struggle to overcome. To those of you who know me somewhat & have ready my blogs, Especially this one, know what I have gone thru & continue to struggle with today.... Chronic pain, head, neck & backaches make life difficult. Yet I have no urge to Kill myself or die like this person. It has always felt that that is life's job to decide & I was to experience as much as possible before it was my time, to learn as much as possible while my mind still functions, to love as much as possible as long as I can still feel my body's response. I have always know life was too short which is why I had to do it all & live as many lifetimes in this one.....but lately I have been feeling like this level is no longer available to me & it is time to move on, consciously of course I have been waiting for my old friend death to finally stop playing games with me & get serious. I am tired of being in pain & not living or learning or loving like I want to....
I do not feel that this was a protest as much as an act of faith & love, the belief that one is an eternal flame & to be a shining example for us all is our highest calling in life.... It has been my experience that when trying to change a corrupt system one only becomes it's next target & victim & only adds to the chaos & is a reaction to fear. What seems a more conscious & productive approach is to start a new world outside of the corruption...based on the truth that all is one & that Love is the highest we can aspire to.
What strikes me also about this is how few humans truly understand what death is...something to be feared or avoided at all cost as if it were a bad thing, which prevents them from truly living..... To me, someone who has had numerous near death experiences it was a blessing & will be when I am finally able to leave & not have to return again & again to get it right....to me it is not Death that is bad it is more in how you die, how much suffering one had to go thru to get there....which is still just a limited human perspective..... I only hope to go as painlessly as possible when it is finally my time to go to the next level with no fear, no regrets, no unfinished business....with Joyful appreciation of all that I have done & shared with those who had eyes to see, ears to hear & hearts that were truly opened to the love I tried to share...
Almost Cut My Hair
Current mood: good
Category: Life
Actually I did cut my hair...it had gotten real long as usual & was being a real pain cause it's so fine that it kept getting tangled into knots & breaking & I was getting handfulls of it in my brush....I find it amazing I still have any...I have a younger borther who is completely bald & has been since he got outta HS...
Mine grows back real fast tho since the last time I cut it, I had shaved my head back in May 2003...& to have it back to almost where it was before I had shaved in 3 years is pretty amazing... I was living in Hawaii at the time & had come down to my last $10 bill & had to decided between food & shampoo....
I had always wanted to shave it just to see how it felt to be free of my past so quickly...well it felt wierd to not have any hair after having had it long most of my life..... The past actually isn't so easily discarded either... Well I might shave it off again if I ever move back to a warmer climate...
awake
blissful
excited
depressed
uncomfortable
good
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