Her loving heart
Category: Life

She looked out the window, her chin in her cupped hand, her elbow resting on the windowsill, eyes watching without seeing, her long hair flowing down her slender shoulders. She watched the snowflakes slowly drift down from the overcast sky. Big beautiful flakes, covering the already white ground with a blanket of soft cotton. The branches on the trees filled with so much snow, that they started to bend. It could have been beautiful, and harmonic....

But if you looked at her face closer, you could see small gentle tears running down her cheeks. Some tears dropped down to hit the windowsill, the tear splashing into smaller ones. Other tears were clinging to her hair, messing it up. But she didn´t notice, and neither did she notice how her shoulders shook with the sobs that emanated from her.

The sorrow that filled her heart was great, because she felt like an outcast, different from the rest, and as so she was treated. All because she wanted to be herself. Because she had her ideas and her way to live. Not like the rest. She knew in her heart that she was loving, caring. But it was as if it was something not appreciated or cared about any longer. No, it all had to be hard and tough, and if you weren´t up to those standards you were out. The toughness that you had to show was not HER, and she would never accept it for what it was.

Oh, she had tried to protest, but they became even more brutal to her. To crush her sense of life from her, to smother the flower that tried to blossom in the grey dark asphalt, that was what they wanted. Why? Maybe because they felt the emptiness of their feelings, the big Nothing that filled their feelings. Which they tried to compensate by crushing everything around them. Or maybe they were not strong enough to stop the others?
And the "leaders", which were filled with feelings – but feelings of hatred towards everything beautiful, of everything of the Light, everything that teemed with Life.
"It is not correct", she thought, "it is not right. I have my right of living my own life! I am not hurting anyone, and I know I try to help wherever I see pain. I know I am right. Why can´t anyone see it?"
She felt the hurt both from the physical beatings, but even more the hurt, the deep hurt in her soul, from all the looks, the hatred. The snickers and laughter when they pulled of another of their tiresome "pranks".  And no friends called her name.


And her slender frame of a girl, oh it was so near to the point of breaking, the feeling of despair filling her this snowy, cold morning. So she cried. For the despair, the unfairness and the hurt that people could be so bad, so damaged that they would hurt anything or anyone around. Her small hand, the one hand which was not cupped under her chin, formed into a fist of anger and despair.
And she cried in sorrow, even more. The tears flowing unhindered down her cheeks.

Then, all of a sudden, she felt a warmth on her face. She looked up, and saw a tiny hole in the overcast sky, a tiny hole through which a Ray of Light, the Sun, beamed down upon her face, warming her. And through the hole she also saw blue sky, radiant and colourful, vibrating with Life. And she felt the small Cross, her necklace, which had been given to her from her parents, she felt it getting warm from the Sun, and in sudden shock she felt it respond to the Light by returning the Light. In her reflection in the window, she saw the Cross burn with a white flame. Small but intensive, shining in the Sun.
And her heart filled with wonder. Her tears dried in the light of the Sun. She didn´t notice this, as she stood up, still watching the Flame in the reflection of her in the window. And she was filled with the knowledge that she never was alone again, even in the darkest of darkness, as long as she kept her faith, she would always have the Light of God with her, protecting her soul, protecting her inner being. And she knew that never, ever could anyone take this precious thing from her. Her integrity would remain intact, and one day – one day – she would meet people who were more like her, people who cared, who loved, who felt compassion.
The tears started to slowly run down her cheeks again, but this time in comprehension of the trueness of the One.

Then, suddenly, she woke up with a start to the sound of distant thunder. She had fallen asleep with her thoughts, sitting at the window, softly crying. There was no hole in the overcast sky, no Sun.

But still, she stood up with a deep smile, filled with warmth. Straightening her shoulders, she put on her boots and coat, and walked out into the snow, with a knowledge that she would endure.

Because she had felt the necklace Cross so very hot near her heart, almost burning her. And she knew she would never be alone again, never ever.

13:58 - 8 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

You rule yourself!
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Religion and Philosophy

As you probably know by now, I ponder a bit about the inner forces we have inside of us, and how to accept ourselves..So, while listening to the music I have on my page I said, OK, I will write this little piece, which might give an idea about your inner self, a thought of how  - in ONE way of many - let the raging things we have inside of us - let it be experiences, feeings, traumas...how to imagine them and how to let them ..well...live out, instead of supressing them. And how to be steadfast within that specific storm, since its only reason to exist, is to destroy.
Some people come to this point when they are at a crossroad somehow. Some people will find this road when all else is closed, and they choose to continue, and so unconsciously take this road. Some people will find this road just by thinking, and consciously take this road.
Some might take this road by getting inputs.

Okay, I would like to write more, than the short piece below, and I probably will, but this is a start ;-)

"Watching the skies above, I see the Sun breaking through the clouds, shining all over the fields, except the dots where the clouds spread their shadows..
As the rays strike my face I feel the warmth, not only from the Sun, but also the Life from the Creator.
It is a wonderous feeling.

And I smile..

And I think:
I see this diamond, full of Light inside all of us. But like with reality, one has to extract it from the coal, the darkness within.
But once extracted it can shine forth without hinderance, giving Light to oneself as well as those around you. They can see the beauty inside of you!
How can this diamond be extracted? I think each of us has to go deep within ourselves and see both our "good" and "bad" sides. We can always choose to see the good side, but our bad side is often misplaced somewhere, hidden in the dark places we have within, the garbagepools, the places where we choose not to watch.

But dig them up, and see them for what they are, see them in their ugly faces and see that yes, this IS a part of me, truly. And I do NOT like it either.
..then take them, dig into them, feel the negativism, the anger, the frustration washing over you. But be strong as despair will wash over you. Feel the diamond, your pinpoint inside.
And as the despair washes over you, like the ocean gone wild. Hold on. Accept their rage 100%, but be steadfast. The rage will abate, even if it will not vanish.
Just accept it, look at your worst, don´t let it scare you..And then, put it away in a jar. And never let it ruls your life.

Then look at what is left, and then see your positive sides....your fine sides.
Let the Light within start to burn. It will be small first, almost afraid, almost barely flicker, then become stronger as time passes. As it brightens, your smile will come more and more often, and be from within.
There will of course be ups and downs in life, but even at times quite Down, lean on the Light Within.
It is THERE.
Dare to believe. Yes, use logical arguments and so on, but also see what is beyond the Horizon, see what is all around you, and listen to what is there.
it is fantastic, it is wonderful, it is within YOU. it is within ALL of us..

You live only once, and once can be enough, if you live the way you choose. Yes, of course you have to fight on, but that is one aspect of life which is just to accept. There are a thousand drops of Light there. Enjoy them!

Do not let the darkness within rule you! You rule yourself!"

OK, that is it for now. Time to go to bed! ;-)

--Ralph

11:20 - 2 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Valley of Hope
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Writing and Poetry

Granted, i am not an author, and I am not a native english speaker (yes, we Do speak Swedish here ). BUT I still have my inspiration, and my thoughts. So, i wrote this little piece..

And so it happened that he rode down the mountains, from high peaks, covered in snow. Above him the sky was storm black, and rugged bolts of lightning flashed back and forth high above, dancing like mad between the peaks.
The strong wind whipped his dark hair around his face, and he pulled it away, whíthout noticing. Actually he didn´t even notice his surroundings, because his eyes were full of tears...
..he nudged his horse - a proud black warhorse - to move onward, to any destination. he didn´t know where and really didn´t care, because his heart was filled with such a pain, such a sorrow.
As the first drops of rain landed on his head, he pulled his greay cloak closer around him, but still you could glimpse pieces of his armour beneath. His sword, as well as his shield, was at his back.

He rode onwards, down a path, to what seemed to be a way down into a valley, far beneath. It was not possible to see anything ahead, because his surrounding was so dark. The cold of the wind whipped the grass back and forth.

"Why...why this?" he asked to himself, over and over.

He stopped beside a large pine tree and looked forward without seeing. His thoughts were directed inward. He thought of things passed by, of times passed by, and felt a heartwrenching pain. "I can´t stand it...why this?" And his tears started flowing uncontrolably,
mixed with the the cold rain, down his cheeks. He could feel all his past come crushing up on him, like boulders placed on top of eachother. He fell from the horse, heavily on the ground, feeling the smell of wet grass mixd with earth.
He clenched his fits and felt the desperation deep inside. He slowly stood up, first on his knees, then completly. He pulled out the cold stel of his sword, who had helped him in so many bad situations.
Another lightning. Thunder...

..as he stood there, in the darkest of moments, he looked up at the sky, felt something breaking inside. and screamed out, everything, all that was inside of him, he screamed out - toward the sky, in a desperate plea for help, for salvation
from his sorrow, his anger at himself, his frustration..And he lifted the sword, so that it pointed upwards. Madnesss danced for a moment in his dark brown eyes...

....then the Heaven answered. A vortex of lightning cascaded from the dark clouds above, down into his sword, and created a shield of Light, in its purest form, all around him, and penetrated his heart, his soul. His horse, trained as it was, still bolted, but stopped further
down the trail. But still he continued screaming, but now the darkness that had filled him was burnt away by the Light from Heaven, and his soul opened up.
Suddenly the light was gone, gone just as fast as it came.
Everything went still. The wind abated, the rain stopped, but the dark clouds were still there.

And you could see how he lowered his sword slowly. And he straightened up, and looked up at the Sky, but not in sorrow any longer - it was as his eyes were filled with a Light, so profound and deep that it was as if somehting had been born
within, like he was born again..and you could see the expression of wonder in his eyes. Inside he felt a warmth that had been missing for so long, and strenghth and detemination filled his soul once again.
And tears started once again rolling down his cheeks, but not in pain and grief, but in awe, in release, in wonder.

He felt with his leather gloved hands on his face, as if feeling it for the very first time. Then he raised his right hand, closed in a fist, high above his head and gave forth a shout of Joy.
And it was like it was a final signal, because the dark clouds started to disperse rapidly. And he lowered his hand in wonder..

And now he saw..he really saw...
He was standing on a path leading down into a very green Valley, dotted here and there with small isles of trees. The dawn had broken some time ago, but the sun was still quite low. Not low enough to blind him as he looked down the valley, but low enough to glitter in the blue ocean
he could see far away..And behind him, and partly to the left and right, the mountains rose. High above, soaring into the sky, with the snow glittering in the sun... the sky was now more or less a deep blue, as the dark clouds released its hold on the valley
Flowers were spread in all different colours around the valley, competing with eachother in beauty.
he looked down and saw that were his tears had hit the ground, small flowers had sprung up, as if by telling him to never give in.

And he could once again feel...
The fury of the wind was now only a breeze, blowing in from the ocean, bringing a fresh clean smell of summer mixed with ocean. It was gentle and warm, and danced around him like it was gently teasing him, laughing.

And he could once again listen..
He could hear seagulls crying out far far away, hear the wind playing in the tree he stood beside and he imagined the sound of waves as they broke against the land.

And for the first time in a very very long time he smiled, for real, from within.

And he walked down to take his horses rein and continue down into the Valley of Hope.

Tranquility can be found within, but we must search for it and also ask for it. Don´t ever give up. Ever.

02:54 - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

The feeling of longing, of this Light, of this Wonderful--dont know if you understand..
Current mood: peaceful

Its hard to describe. But I will try. Pictures of wonder, when I meditate and do a inner journey.

I get this feeling that there is something Great out there, something Beautiful and extremely Wonderful.
It is there, for sure, and I can get glimpses of it when I meditate. I see a place full of Light, a huge open field with small hills, dotted here and there with small clusters of trees, and there is this Pure White castle, like marble.
In front of it I can see a Fountain in pure White filled with water sparkling with laughter, dancing in the summersun. Every part of this castle is speaking of symmetry, of harmony.
 A breeze, not too cold nor too hot is gently blowing, caressing the scenery.
And there is this extreme feeling of safety, of contentness, of joy....there are people (i think they are) talking, always with a smile (I think).
I feel like I am there, but still am not. Like I am a guest watching something wonderful! It is like I am ..hmm... floating on the breeze watching. And smiling.
And there are roses, a lot of them, around this castle, lightening up the day with their colours and smell.

And when I wake up, I have this deepest sense of Happiness, and a smile on my face.
At the same time I feel a longing and a loss.
Strange? Yes!
But you know, if I did have choice to be there, I would never, ever go without going there with those I love so dearly.

Other times I get these ehhh not "visions", but pictures, of a great Sea, bashing its strong waves against the quite high cliffs, and a strong wind blowing through someones hair (dont know who).
 A Great Green field is on one side, I(?) am walking on near the edge of the cliffs,  feeling the salty taste of the drops of the Sea, as the winds lifts some of it that high.
I feel a strength and resolve from the Sea, like something Ancient. But its a benevolent thing, a thing of deep thoughts and eternal wisdom.
The Sky is Overcast and its a bit chilly in the air, but not cold.
There is a tranquility in this scenery, and beauty. Something bittersweet. Walking along the shore, thinking, and thinking.
And I feel a bittersweet feeling, a longing, a love...and a sorrow.

There is also this place, high up in the mountains, on snowcovered peaks, where I can be at the top, and everything is crystal clear, crisp and a very intense blue.

Anyway, especially behind the first picture, it is so wonderful. As I go deep within myself, I feel this Light sometimes wrapping me inside itself, and i just know its there.
And I can tell you that this Pureness, this Love...it is fantastic.
A fountain of ..Hope, Light, and all that beauty that actually exists, but very concentrated. :)
I wonder if someone out there feels the same...

14:26 - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Thinking aloud..
Current mood: working

Okay...I must say that time passes quickly!
I re-read my last blogg, and feel quite content about it, since it expresses "me".

I have a lot of work to do, which is just fine (but why does it have to come all at once, instead of a steady pleasant stream??) considering the alternative.

The only thing lacking is self discipline *laughs at self*, but then, I always deliver on time, and strive for perfection.

Thus it will be this time too.

But - well - the thing is, even if I AM happy about my work, and I DO find it interesting, maybe its time for a bit of change. Not huge ones, but hopefully I can complement what I am doing now with something else too!

I am one of those persons that has a multitude of interests, but to my great sorrow I realize I will never have time to master them all!
It would be great to be able to sit and just produce music, something I do like a lot - I have all these ideas, and can hear the music - but I do not have the knowledge yet how to really make it!
Or playing the Piano for real. Or drawing for real.
But I always say its never to late to begin. Actually, because of this I began training Kung Fu two years ago, 3-4 times a week 2-3hrs/lesson.
And yes, I have been extremly lucky with the trainer - very good indeed :)

I am already what would be called an IT (infrastructure) pro in tech, presales and sales area, and yes, I am happy about it, but I think life has more to offer!
I feel blessed with a wonderful life, so I am not complaining at all!! But I am always looking ahead :)

Anyway, enjoy life, if you (how ever you found this?!) come here reading this!
And remember you are the one responsible how to live it.

Yep, I am stressed, but still I feel cool *lmao*
I think everything will be great at the End!

20:41 - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Intro and thoughts
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Blogging

Well, finally I have to try blogging. And since Within Temptation dragged me in here (okay, not personally, but with a link to their marvelous site), I guess I have to try to write something.

But what is on my mind?

A million things, as I have a multitude of interests. Anyway, who sits and reads someone elses Blogg, about themselves? In that sense I feel rather secure writing whatever is on my mind.

So, instead of writing all sorts of interests, why not go right to the heart of things?

The core in me says:
We all have a Light and Dark in us as humans, all of us.
We all have a choice to make, how to best mix the Light and Dark - and to get different variations of Grey.
Then it is up to YOU to decide how to reach the goal.
So maybe you choose to have little Dark and a lot of Light, or want no Dark at all. And maybe you will fail sometimes, and maybe you dont feel like you are "worthy" of choosing the Light - but it is your intent which counts, and how hard you actually try. The self discipline required, will not always be there, but then you can to talk to friends, or close yourself inside your own walls, and read. Like different Bloggs perhaps ;-D
Anyway, you are not alone.

I feel that in the end, you should not intentionaly hurt anyone, physically or mentally, and that you should strive to do good to those around you who deserve it. Do not take crap from those that want to hurt you!

And be nice, be kind, be gentle, be loving, be caring - but dont be dumb!! Dont let people around you take advantage of your caring!!

Realize that your life is your own, and HOW you want to live it is UP TO YOU. Do not blame anyone around you!! IF someone has been bad to you, dont let that person/incidents rule your life!
You can reach the stars, and there is nothing stopping you except yourself.

If you want to go around feeling miserable - fine! But dont make everyone else miserable too.

I mean, I feel that there is to much anger and violence today...and well, I am looking for people who think the same, and who like these discussions and ideas. Friends are great!

Probably nobody will read this! But it feels great writing a little! *smile*

But IF you read this, take care, and use your life for the Best!

The years, they pass by as water in a river, and by now I undersand those things my pareents said claiming "that everything is passing by so fast. It is true *lmao*, but I am trying to take care about those around me as good as I can, and try to make life worth living. Interests will never die, as long as you never give up:)
And never, ever loose the "force", the "power", you have inside - continue to live with it. Or you WILL grow old soon! Let it burn like a fiery sparkling star in the night!

And remember: The only constant things in life are Changes and Death!

So take care of what you have TODAY - when the Changes comes, it might be for the worst.

Is your life fine today? What do you want to change? How shall you reach that goal? Take small steps! When taking down a mountain, you take small chops, not the whole thing at once

02:05 - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment