Long Forgotten

I can’t even remember the last time I checked this page. This poor angel died long ago, as strange as it sounds. The journey to myself is never ending, however I think the have made it over the tallest mountain. I am not saying that it is open road from here, just that the deep, painful self exploration has served it’s purpose. Once again I find myself contemplating deleting this page. Well, I guess you never know, I may want to read these writings again someday. So here [-angel] will sit and wait, quietly sobbing alone in the dark.

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Thoughts

It's funny.... you can be told over and over again wonderful and positive things about yourself, but it take only one shred of negativity to tear that all down.

And I really thought this major change would make me feel better....I'm not so sure now....

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The Repeats Pt. 6

It's been nearly a year since I wrote this....     This moment Reading back through my blogs, I see all of the pain and loneliness that I have been enduring for so long. I never thought that it would go away for even just a moment, and I still am not sure that it will ever be totally gone, but for now it is slowly fading. For the moment, I am happy, but not yet peaceful. The fears are even easing, but I still worry that one of us will leave this devastated. There really is no avoiding that though, that is just life.  Despite the fear, I can feel myself falling, fast. At this point, I am sure there is no stopping it-not that I would want to-now, it is just a matter of time. But that piece of me that is constantly trying destroy everything good before something else does, is still trying to destroy this. I will have moments where I completely shut down emotionally. This is something that I have been dealing with for years, but I am working on . Although the wall is slowly crumbling, it will stand back up occasionally to remind of who I am and what it is that I do. I run, push, destroy, even when I don't want to. Thankfully, those moments of me shutting down are lessening. There are still times when I don't believe that this is all real or that something this good could ever happen to me. I wonder if this fantasy will ever mix with my real life and become my new reality. If it does, well, I look forward to that day. For now, however, I am happy to enjoy what fate has dropped into my lap. I feel happy, safe, hopeful, and truly cared for. I truly hope that I am creating these same feelings within him. Epilogue:   I didn't run, push, or destroy. I did let go of the fear and let myself fall the furthest I ever have. As far as shutting down emotionally, I have been doing much better. My fantasy truly is now my reality, and I feel even more safe, happy, loved and cared for than I did in those first few days, and hope is abundant What makes it even better is that I know he has these same feelings about me. I read these blogs and sometimes find it hard to believe I ever lived in this much despair. Saying that I am thankful for him is simply a great understatement. This is me saying that I am happy and at peace, hard to imagine but very true.

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The Repeats, Pt. 5

Sometimes it's good not to listen to your instincts.....

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

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The Repeats Pt.4

Lately I have been feeling just as lost as I was in the moment I wrote the following blog. Just, in a different way;Just over a different part of my life. The end of this blog fits perfectly with the desperation I am feeling now.

Friday, September 23, 2005

The Path Why do we always do the things we know we shouldn't? Why do we always let our hopes and desires get in the way of truth? I know what I should or shouldn't do, and I always know the consequences before acting, but ignore them and do as I wish. Sometimes my intentions are noble-the hopes of finding someone who will care for me, and let me care for them-and sometimes they are not-having a one night stand because I can't stand being alone EVERY SINGLE NIGHT anymore. The noble intentions end in heartbreak, and the less than noble end in having to explain hickeys when everyone knows you don't have a boyfriend. Today, I got the best of both worlds. And now I worry that even writing this will bring more consequences, change the way some see me. But I have to be honest here, this is the only place that I can really let go and be honest. I need this freedom, no matter what the consequences. I just need to find which is the right way to go. I try to take the right path, and get hurt. I try to take the wrong path, and am humiliated. Where is my happiness? Just tell me the right way to go and I will. Why can't there be any easy answers? I don't expect happiness to just fall into my lap, I will work for it, I just need to know which direction to go. I will do whatever it takes, I will put in all the effort necessary, just name it, and I will do it. I just need a clue, a sign telling me what to do. I will follow the path, just point me in the right direction.

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The Repeats, Pt 3

I haven't had this dream in a long time, I think I know why....

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Damn, I'm tired... I had another one of those dreams last night. There is this recurring theme, I don't know whether or not I have mentioned it yet. Anyway, it has to do with someone, no one in particular, coming into my house when I don't want them there. In the beginning, it was always a dark stranger. He would break in and I would be scared as hell. I would try to call for help, and no one would ever come. I am always scared that the man is there to hurt me, but they never notice I'm even there. Like I'm not important enough to even hurt. Maybe that's it, maybe I just don't think I'm important enough to even hide anymore, like no one will ever really want in anyway. I am convinced that is has to do with my fear of letting someone in. I know how open I tend to be in here, but I think I am far more closed off than even I believe that I am. Once I started figuring this dream out, it changed and I didn't have it as often. The last few times I have had this dream, it has been with people in my life instead of some stranger. And now, I fight back and kick them out instead of cowering in fear. So now I know that if I don't want to let someone in, I can stop them But, the dream is still there for a reason. The fear still exists. Now I have to figure out what I am really afraid of. Do I fear people seeing me for who I really am? Do I fear being hurt? Or do I fear hurting someone else? I know I will keep having this dream until I have it totally figured out, or maybe just until I really let someone in. I feel sorry for whoever that person ends up being. I am so damaged, by my own hands and the hands of others, that I don't even make sense to myself anymore when I think about what I really want or need. I guess it goes back to that one basic thing we all want: to be happy. Just trying to figure how to get there though is the biggest challenge I have known

A sidenote....

...are there any blogs that you remember and think I should repost? 

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The Repeats, Pt 2

The timing of this one was almost prophetic...

A dream

Sitting here, alone on a Sunday afternoon. I am actually trying to relax. I'm afraid I'm no good at relaxing. As lazy as I am, you'd think I was a pro. But this is actually driving me nuts. I have to force myself to stay down and relax, god knows I need it.

I had a dream last night, that I was watching something being built. There was alot more than that, but that is what stands out to me. I like to try to analyze my dreams, and as tired as I have been lately, I have had trouble remembering anything to analyze. But the building, I remember. There must be a reason for that. What was being built? The strange part is that I could see the progression, but not the builders. I saw only the progress, not the process. Something new and special is coming, slowly. I can't see it yet, but it must be there, somewhere. I don't know if it is within me, or somewhere out there waiting for me to find it. There was some sort of magic there, something special being developed. Something that would turn my thoughts into reality. There were invisible connections....caring for others. Whatever it was, it was special. It was good.

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The Repeats, Pt 1

So I was going through some old blogs, looking for one in particular, and happened upon one that was very cleansing for me to write. Reading it after all these months was just as cathartic. It hit me that I need to be reading these once in a while. I wrote them for a reason, and I can't let myself forget. Basically, I have decided to go through them periodically and pick one that speaks to me and re-post it. Here is the first installment of The Repeats....

This time...

I'm six years old again, in shock, watching my parents' first fight. Or maybe I'm eight and hiding in a far corner of the backyard near the woods, trying to block out the screaming and listen to the tree frogs instead. Shutting my eyes tight, trying like hell not to see her fly into the sliding glass door again, I am having some stupid "Rapunzel, come let down your hair" fantasy (right, like the knights in shining armor ever really existed). Perhaps I am nine again, and I have just walked into the carport to see my dad sitting on the pavement with my mother's head in his lap, hands clenched around her throat, screaming about how much of a bitch she is and calling her by his ex-wife's name.  Whichever memory it is that I have to relive, the helplessness I feel is slowly being replaced by apathy. Those middle-of-the-night calls just don't get my adrenaline flowing anymore. At this point, I have totally given up and wish that there was a way to disown my family so that I didn't have to deal with it anymore. I, to this day, cannot understand how she can stay in such an unhappy and unhealthy, not to mention highly abusive, relationship. Never in a million years would I allow a man to hit me, let alone continuously go back for more. The lonliness that I bitch about so much is a cakewalk compared to what I have seen her go through. And I can't imagine how they ever thought I could grow up seeing that and turn out anywhere near normal. No wonder I'm so fucked up. That became astonishingly clear one day during a wrestling match with an ex: he playfully patted me on the cheek and my reaction was to tear up and repeat "you hit me" over and over until he thought I had lost it and left me to cry it out for an hour (thank God he was understanding, if I were him I would have bolted for the door right then and there). I hate that I am still dealing with this, but more than that it terrifies me that last night didn't scare me at all. I am truly afraid that when I finally get the call that one of them is dead, my reaction will be nothing more than a feigned sob. God, has my heart truly deteriorated this much?

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Death

Consider this my farewell. This page will stay in place for prosperity alone. The pain that fueled -[angel]'s life has long since passed. This has been the most cathartic experience I'm sure I will ever endure. Time to grow up and stop letting my emotional scars rule (or ruin) my life.

Take your final bow -[angel]...

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Views

It's amazing how little your page gets viewed once you change your status to "In A Realtionship." I didn't realize how much I enjoyed knowing that people were reading my writings until they stopped. I didn't realize how much it meant to me, not until I went from 10-20 or more blog views a day to 0. It actually really bothers me. For a minute, I was even considering changing my status back so I could get more views, but I realized how rude and unfair that would be to my man. It just would not be right. I guess that I just don't want to be forgotten. Having my crappy writing read and appreciated meant alot to me, this page meant alot to me. Just don't forget me.  

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A letter

This is going to be painful, but must be done.

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Writing

This sucks. I miss writing. I loved writing, expressing. I loved opening myself up and showing all of my scars. Plus, it was easy. I feel that witing is something that I should pursue as a hobby. I enjoy it, and I don't really have any other hobbies. But the pain is what made it so easy, I know it all too well. God, I just want to open up and let all of my pain spill out. There is, however, a problem. At this very moment I am pain-free. At this very moment I am, dare I say, happy. Doesn't make for good writing, but I was so ready for this. A person can only handle so much alone time, and I had just about reached my limit. Now I feel safe, peaceful. I don't feel so torn apart. I still feel some of the fear, I suppose I always will. As soon as I let go of it this beauty and happiness will be ripped away, I know it. I just can't get past that last little wall, not really a wall, more of a protective barrier. But, for the most part, I have let go. He is slowly tearing down all of my walls. This feels so good, I just can't believe it is real. I'm am still waiting for the bad thing to happen, it always does. Especially when I am this happy. But don't think that I am without hope. I am filled with the most beautiful hope there is... 

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This moment

Reading back through my blogs, I see all of the pain and loneliness that I have been enduring for so long. I never thought that it would go away for even just a moment, and I still am not sure that it will ever be totally gone, but for now it is slowly fading. For the moment, I am happy, but not yet peaceful. The fears are even easing, but I still worry that one of us will leave this devastated. There really is no avoiding that though, that is just life. 

Despite the fear, I can feel myself falling, fast. At this point, I am sure there is no stopping it-not that I would want to-now, it is just a matter of time. But that piece of me that is constantly trying destroy everything good before something else does, is still trying to destroy this. I will have moments where I completely shut down emotionally. This is something that I have been dealing with for years, but I am working on . Although the wall is slowly crumbling, it will stand back up occasionally to remind of who I am and what it is that I do. I run, push, destroy, even when I don't want to. Thankfully, those moments of me shutting down are lessening.

There are still times when I don't believe that this is all real or that something this good could ever happen to me. I wonder if this fantasy will ever mix with my real life and become my new reality. If it does, well, I look forward to that day. For now, however, I am happy to enjoy what fate has dropped into my lap. I feel happy, safe, hopeful, and truly cared for. I truly hope that I am creating these same feelings within him.

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Fear

This is the part where I run.


For most of my life, I have had this fear of happiness slowly building up inside of me. I fear it because I know that it is fleeting at best. My life experiences have just kept adding and adding to this fear. When I was 6 and thought my life was perfect, my parents divorced. When I was 13 and enduring adolescence-a time when a girl REALLY needs a dad, my mom and step-dad divorced. When I would settle in to a neighborhood and start making friends, we'd move. In my marraige, just when I thought things were perfect and couldn't get better, all hell broke loose and I realized it had all been a fantasy. Every time life seems beautiful and perfect and safe, everything suddenly changes. I have found myself getting to a point where I feel it is better to just destroy everything before it gets to that perfect place, just because I know that it will all disappear anyway. This can make relationships especially difficult. I tend to push people away, just because I know they will walk away on their own eventually, I just save them the trouble. When things feel this good, I remind myself that it won't be long before the cutting pain of lonliness will seep back into my life. So, when things start to feel this good, I run, I push, I destroy. And that voice is inside me now, telling me that nothing has changed, that it is time to push, to save myself and others from the hurt that will surely come soon enough. The problem is this, I can't. I don't want to. I don't want to run, and this-well, this terrifies me. I am opening myself up far too quickly, but I can't stop it. I am sitting here trying to figure out just how my fucked up little psyche will eventually get its way and push, destroy. I am trying to figure out how to stop myself from self destructing once again. But rising above those voices is a new one, a hopeful one telling me to just give it a chance. That things can be different. Sometimes, you have to be hopeful. Sometimes, you have to let go and just...feel. Sometimes, things aren't too good to be true, they are just simply good.

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Saved

Wow this never happens to me, a dream with a happy ending...It was a coworker, someone I would never dream of being with, even if we didn’t work together. But the important part for me to remember about that is that people in my dreams are rarely who they seem to be. Anyway, we were at some sort of class. We were sitting very close, making fun of the other people in the class, touching, flirting, it was all cute and innocent. Something happened that upset me, upset me quite a bit, and I walked off somewhere by myself. Then, a stranger came along, seeming very nice at first, talking and joking, then it happened. He started pushing and abusing me, rubbing himself against me, trying to push me off into an area where we would be alone. I yelled at him, told him to leave me alone, but he wouldn’t. He was getting more and more violent with me and I remember being very scared that he was going to hurt me, bad. But I fought back. I started fighting him and pushing him off me, hitting him. Then, I threw him, hard. I threw the son of a bitch off of me, and not just off of me, but I threw his ass about 10 feet into a street. Just then, the coworker rounded the corner, asking me what was happening, I collapsed in his arms crying and he held me, and I could tell that he wanted to run and kick the guys ass. In this dream, a man was trying to comfort me, protect me, he was showing me now much he cared. I can’t remember the last time I felt like that much of a girl. I have never had someone treat me that way. It was nice. He was a knight in shining armor, a Prince Charming. Now I know that this all has nothing to do with the person in the dream. But what it does mean, I’m not quite sure. I think it was my minds way of telling me that it is time. It is time for this to happen, time for the one to come along and make me feel this safe and cared for. Maybe it is time for a happy ending, even just a temporary one. Now I have no idea where it will come from, but something is coming, I can feel it.

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