Ten commandments.

Ten Commandments. The ten commandments where at best a spurious piece of home made divinity coming from the mouths and minds of some of easily the most oppressive figures in human history. These idle scribbling have long since been used as a system of control to keep any would be uprising in check. Surely an extremely well devised system of oppression being given qualification wholly on its holy lineage. If god really exists and really wants us all to behave why would he have waited until the human race was thousands of years old before he decided to impart his wisdom? Why would he have trusted an old psychedelic drug user who probably had no idea how he got up the mountain in the first place, with his holiest of decrees? Why wouldn't he make it one commandment, "thou shalt not fuck things up for other people and shit?" God has a mouth like a trucker. In light of all these questions I have decided to revise the list of commandments for the modern human. There is no religious backing to these ideas, there is no discernable authority at all behind them other than the fact that they are on the internet. Which we all know makes them true.

1 - Thou shalt not think any person to be any less than thyself because of any reason other than their direct actions. Race, religion, background, financial situation, weight, height, age and anything else you can possibly try to pin someone down with are irrelevant. If you think you are given some sort of higher standing in life due to your ethnicity or genetic background, your fortunes financially or your ability to bench press 300 pounds you can go blow a goat. So it has been said so it shall be.

2 - Thou shalt not be a douche bag. This one is pretty self explanatory.

3 - Don't be killing people willy nilly. Have a good reason. I don't wanna hear crime of passion and the like. All murders should be premeditated and justified. If you kill someone just as a spur of the moment thing you're probably a douche which is in direct contradiction of commandment number two. No unjustified homicide. Now get out there kids.

4 - Respect is to be earned. Everyone get's an even playing field but if you're going to go around acting like an ass you're probably going to lose some respect. Deservedly so. I'd be careful too because you may be giving someone reason for justified homicide which as we all know by the rules of the new world order is perfectly cool with me.

5 - Learn stuff. Yeah, it means cracking a book, going to a class, observing life, talking to someone, anyone, who may have insight and information you have yet to acquire. If you are always learning you may actually continue to grow as a human. This means people that are actually trying to improve existence for all of us don't have to worry about carrying your heavy ass. You don't have to change the world; you just have to make sure you aren't the one stopping it from getting better.

6 - Selfishness is a form of retardation. I don't mean retardation in the sense that you have a hard time with shoes that aren't Velcro or you have difficulty opening a can of tuna because you where given a genetic short straw and must thusly wander the earth slightly out of sync with the three digit iqers. You'll probably find that people who are unfortunately a little dim from birth or even childlike can teach us a thing or two about not being selfish. They may not have as much to offer in a conventional sense but if you ever spend any time with anyone who still has that childlike innocence as though they where frozen in time you might learn a thing or two. Don't be selfish. If we are smart there's lot's to go around. So why horde? Plus, with any luck you'll be dead soon and all your stuff will end up at a flea market being fondled by old people looking for deals anyway. Yeah, suck on that.

7 - Be hopeful. Okay, this one isn't your fault. In the true tradition of a religious style document I should be making you feel responsible for everything that goes wrong in the world, guilt equals control. No, being hopeful is something human beings seemed to give up on sometime ago and it's a real shame. As a group we all wander around so sure that the world is coming to an end that we often don't even bother to appreciate what we have. Ask anyone on their death bed, if their not too busy dying of course, ask anyone staring their last sunset in the face if they would like one more day. One more day to walk the beach, hold a loved one's hand, truly feel a piece of music, share a conversation about all that they are, feel the sun on their face, have sex in a rental car with someone they picked up at an airport bar. I'm pretty sure most would be down with it. Be hopeful. There's so much beauty left here, embrace it. This leads me to number eight.

8 - Create beauty. Not in the creepy Jon Benet kiddie beauty pageant way or the "I just built a pyramid out of beer cans" nonsense. No. Really create beauty. The least you can do with your time on this earth is to make something beautiful. Seriously, is that too much to ask? It doesn't matter what it is. A piece of art, or maybe even a whole new person who doesn't actually suck. You may need help for that last one. Whatever you do bring beauty into it. I'm not a hippy. I'm not talking about getting blasted on something you grew in your basement and then bashing away on bongos for six hours. Unless that's really what you want to do of course. No I mean really create beauty. Spread it among those people who need it the most. It's not a hard concept. We all know how to destroy beauty now all we have to do is reverse that.

9 - Respect. We already talked about how you have to earn it. Now it's a crash course on having it. Unless you live in a pit in a basement putting lotion on your skin or a supermax solitary cell you are probably going to encounter things in your life. Things and people and in fact this very planet are all deserving of respect. But, Simon, you said respect had to be earned. It does. However a good default position to have is to go into every interaction with a certain sense of respect for the world around you. Cows can't ask for respect. The side of a freeway can't ask for respect. A tree can't ask for respect. Look this list could get really long really quickly. Basically I am going to give you the shimmy of it. If you don't do nine then you'll be going against two and that's a double no no. Don't piss the internet off. It controls your porn supply. Oh and for the love of all things awesome, respect yourself. You're the only one of you there will ever be. Unless you're some sort of weird government clone or a robot or something but other than that, you are irreplaceable. Think about that next time you feel like cooking up a bathtub of home made meth or riding a motorcycle on the freeway in your tank top, sandals and shorts.

10 - Leave life better than you found it. Everyday you can make one of two decisions. Be good or be a camel boner. Be good. Look, there's lot's of us alive here and it ain't going to stop anytime soon. Best thing you can do is to make sure your limited blip like existence on this marble is as good as it can be. By virtue of being alive you have been given the ability to improve the world around you. It doesn't matter where you are in the world. What you have or what you don't have. At the end of it all there should be a feeling that you did the best you could with what you had. That you tried as you could to make things a little bit better for all those you touched (not in the creepy uncle way either). Everyone is going to slip. You can't be perfect everyday, unless you are one of the aforementioned government robots. What you can do is make the effort to shape the world in a positive way. There is so much fuss about freedoms in this world. About votes, about rights, about what we can and cannot do. The one thing you truly have control over is you. Be good. Be prosperous. Be beautiful and kind. Before you know it you'll be gone.

That's that. Now, you have your instructions. I'm going back to being a misanthrope.

5:27 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

One of the best things I ever saw.

No jokes. Not being funny this time. This is true. It happened this evening and it just about broke my heart. But in a good way.


So I'm sitting in my car in Silverlake waiting for a gig to start. Now, I'm early so I'm just sitting there on the side of the street listening to some music and writing some jokes. Next to where I am is an old run down auto repair place. It's closed and there are a couple of mangy old German shepherds wandering around the chain link fenced yard. There's concrete, some old cars and a water bowl but other than that not much. They have each other and their not chained up but I became quite distressed when I realized these were not well cared for dogs.

They looked thin. Not starving but not seen to. Matted fur and gaunt legs they looked old but also forgotten. I hate stuff like that. I try and pretend things like this don't go on in the world because if I let myself think about all the horrible injustices practiced every day I fear I would simply collapse under the saddness. I was once told I had a hyper sense of empathy. No, thanks to being raised by wonderful people I've got just the right amount of respect for life and just the right amount of disgust for injustice.

So I'm thinking. Do I call animal control? Would that really be any better. They'd be seperated and I don't know if LA has no kill shelter rules for animals. I think they do but I don't want to risk it. Plus, this isn't my place to pry and the animals did seem healthy enough I guess. And like I said they have each other and that comfort seems to go a long way. That's when I saw something that almost made me weep.

The dogs started barking. Now, they are gaurd dogs but this wasn't a bark of  intimidation this was a bark of happiness. Almost a welcoming serenade. They both plunged their noses up agains the chain link just about out of my view. Then at the very edge of my perception I spied a pair of shoes being washed off in a puddle. From my vantage point, although I could not see the legs, I knew those shoes had been through many owners and many, many miles. Then this old, maybe sixty five years or so, homeless man wandered into my field of vision and up to the fence. He had a tattered shirt and dark, dark bronze skin. He was losing what was left of his grey greasy hair and as I later found out had about five teeth left in his head.

There's homeless and then there's ridiculously stereotypical homeless. This guy was Calcutta alley way homeless. He didn't even have a cart. What he did have was a paper bag with grease stains in it clutched tightly in his left hand. He got to the fence and it was clear now that this wasn't at all a first time meeting. Far from it. These mangy dogs and this mangy man where fast friends. He produced a small styrofoam container from the bag and proceded to open it. He took out a sandwich, not a large one but definitely big enough to kill his hunger pains for a few hours or more. That's when it happened. He took the sandwich, broke it into two even pieces and gave each dog a piece. They eagerly snatched it up. He spoke to them a bit, I couldn't hear the conversation but I'm sure it wasn't for my ears anyway. This was chit chat over dinner between good friends and I almost felt like I was intruding as it was. He chatted with them for a moment or two and I started to get a little choked up. He seem to be explaining to them that he didn't have any more food right now and that he had to go. He showed them the styrofoam container as proof and then the empty bag to be sure. He accidentally dropped the container but as a sign of respect for his fellows home he picked it up. Pushed the last of the crumbs on the sidewalk within distance of the two eager mouths on the other side of the fence and said his goodbyes.

He crumpled up the now completely empty bag and carried it with him. Presumably to find a trash can as his next task for the evening. I couldn't take it any longer. I got out of my car and walked over to him. Too much of an ass to remove my sunglasses but also not wanting to have to lie about having something in my eye. I stopped him even though I didn't really want to intrude. I gave him what little money I had on me and told him how much I thought he deserved it. Not gushing, just a little well deserved respect. He thanked me. He didn't seem to understand why it mattered so much to me but that's what makes it even more special. It wasn't a big deal. He feeds these dogs twice a day, everyday. Breakfast and dinner. He said the man that owns the place threatened him saying not to feed them because he keeps them hungry so they'll be mean. He said the owner threatened to call the cops on him if he caught him again. The homless man said he threatened to call the guy's mother and tell her how mean spirited and horrible her son was.

He said for god to bless me and then thanked me for buying him dinner. I said it was the least I could do. He looked at the dogs one more time, now resting in the evening sun. I said they loved him. He smiled. He knows that. We parted.

This may not mean a lot to anyone reading this. Nor should it I suppose. It's just that, sometimes we all get so wound up in our lives we forget what stuff like that is. That man has nothing. Nothing. He was the saddest sight I had seen in ages yet he was sharing what little he had with someone in need. We talk about stuff like this all the time and how it's the human spirit etc. But it's not. Sadly the human spirit is what put these three souls in this boat in the first place. Sadly that man has landed well on the wrong side of the bullshit American dream. I don't know what brought him to where he is. I don't know why he's on the street. He may very well have lot's of problems. He may very well have been a bad man in his time. I don't know and frankly I don't care. I don't care because at that time, for that moment, he was just about the best person I ever met. I'm kind of sad writing this but there is a part of me that feels strangely warm. He's on the street. They're in a sort of prison but two times a day, breakfast and dinner, they have each other. And you can't tell me that isn't wonderful.

2:10 AM - 3 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Hot hot hat.

I'm not wearing one. You know why I'm not wearing one? It's too fresaking hot. Good goddamn it's hot here today. Thirty six degrees. Thirty six dergees? IT'S ONLY MAY! What the hell?

It's too hot to do anything. Too hot to eat, to hot to drink, to hot to move. Definitely too hot to blog*. All I can think is at this rate sometime around late June I'll no longer be able to do anything at all because I'll be on fire. Yeah, constatnly on fire. Come on, you know it's true.

It's not even global warmings fault. This was always like this. No, it's my decision to relocate to a spot on earth closer to where the sun reaches it's maximum effectiveness. Hey fatty, some extreme heat to go with your generous some would say overfull proportions? It's my own fault. From what I hear it's a chilly twenty five in Vancouver today. Lucky bastards.

Good lord. It's like a blanket constantly smothering you but insteasd of a nice comforting blanket it's a blanket made out of smog and broken dreams.

There really are a hell of a lot of broken dreams in the air down here. I had to buy one of those hepa filters purifier things for the apartment to get rid of them all. It gets ninety two percent of actor's dreams and eighty nine percent of musicians and dancers. It doesn't filter comedians dreams very well which sucks because if my life goes much like most in the business I'd be going through three or four filters a month soon.

My fridge is too small for me to sit in. I checked into it. I can fit my head in though so if you'll excuse me I'm going to go and lie down with a bag of cold peas on my feet and a box of Klondike bars resting atop my forehead.




* See how I thwart logic just to bring you, the reader, this completely valueless chunk of words. You can use the word hero if you want.

12:11 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

The day Vince Vaughn lost his mind.

Not sure when it was. Probably quite some time ago, either way he's got some problems. Poor old Vince Vaughn is having a very urgent conversation with himself, some would say an argument, on the street outside my window.

Now I can't quite make out the face of the man lying on the sundrenched sidewalk complaining about his missing money and his lost shoe. I can't make out a face but I would know that voice anywhere. Anywhere. It has simply got to be Vince Vaughn.

I'm not sure why a successful film actor and year round resident of Chicago may in fact be hanging out under a tree on the edge of Koreatown. I'm not sure what is so important that for at least an hour and a half this one sided discussion has raged fervently. I don't know because I can only make out every third word or so. What I do know is that people keep walking by unfazed by the fallen star before them. I think it may have had something to do with Jennifer Aniston. I don't know exactly how it's her fault but I have found that most tragedies in the world can somehow be linked to one or more of the cast members of the show Friends.

Man Hollywood is a strange town. While I was walking in the hills the other morning I'm pretty sure I saw Burt Reynolds grab a child in his jaws and drag that two year old out of a sandbox and into the bushes.

Lucky kid.

3:08 PM - 2 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Why I rarely blog anymore.

Why I rarely blog anymore. I'm lazy.


Actually it goes a bit deeper than that but mostly it comes down to time. That and the fact that no one ever seems to go on myspace anymore. I mean ever since Facebook came to town and Myspace got that tinge of Fox network to it things just haven't been the same.

Let's see, what's changed in the ten months. Well I live in Los Angeles now. And that's pretty much that. Actually I've been working my ass off (and that's a lot of working let me tell you.) I've been super busy trying to take over the world but much to my chagrin it doesn't seem to want to acquiesce to my wishes. Stand up in LA is very different than stand up in Vancouver. First of the majority of it takes place roughly 2100 kilometers south of Vancouver proper. Secondly my experience thus far is that if the audience is missing that doesn't necessarily preclude you performing. You just have to really like playing to other comedians. I do not. They're usually miserable buggers.

I'm dying for stage time right now. I'm coming from a place where, although the audiences are tough as hell, you can get in front of people with consistency like seven or eight times a week. I haven't done a show in almost a fortnight and quite frankly it's starting to worry me. Not only am I worried that my powers may be getting rusty but I'm worried that I may start to become a menace (more than usual) to those around me. The other day I caught my self complaining about politics in an aggravated manner to my open fridge. I'm not even going to get into my inability to behave in any social situation without having to consciously stifle my needs to jump a joke right now. I am, in effect, going through with drawl. Now I have gone about this long once before without doing stage time but I have to say I can't remember what that was like. I may or may not have been in some sort of coma by the end, much like that a diabetic suffers through if they neglect their insulin for too long. I'm sure I can come out of this but I doubt orange juice and a cookie are gonna do it this time.

LA is odd. It's very dirty and poorly maintained. Well, some of it is. The places where real people live. Where rich people live can only be analogized by it's similarity to a painting one may see on a hotel lobby wall. Looks nice enough I guess and by comparison to the rest of the wall it's a welcome oasis but when you get up close you see the quality is just not there. Plus it appears somebody may have spilled soup on it in the not to distant past.

I miss Vancouver. Mostly because I really do love that city. I know I am not as well travelled as some but I have seen my fair share of airports and main streets and I have to say the more I see the more I realize Vancouver is home. That's not to say I will never live anywhere else. As it happens I am living somewhere else right now. Yes Vancouver has its challenges but as yet no one has spilt any soup on it. Or if they have they've been conscientious enough to clean up said soup.

In short. 3' 2".

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'M IN HOLLYWOOD HAHAHAHAHA!


You see what I mean.


I've been building things out of cardboard. Yeah, that's how bored I am. I built a very nice tool box, it's a cube with little legs to hold it up (don't know why it's a god for box's sake... err box for.. whatever) and I was seriously contemplating colouring it in and drawing a gorilla face on it.


PLEASE SOMEBODY GIVE ME A GODDMAN MICROPHONE AND AN AUDIENCE. I SWEAR ALL I NEED IS TEN MINUTES. FIVE, FIVE, I'LL TAKE FIVE MINUTES. THERE ARE FUCKING BUGS ON MY SKIN!!!




with love from Los Angeles,
simon

2:53 PM - 2 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Stupid freaking date machine.

Okay kids, here's the deal. Now that Myspace is turning more and more into a cyber squat for degenerates, wanna be porn starlets and shirtless Hummer driving morons I think they may be neglecting their technical maintenance responsibilities. I've been trying to update my performance calendar for something like two weeks now and success eludes me. It's sporadic at best to actually get a date to stick so what I'm gonna do is list my confirmed dates for each month here until they get their head out of their proverbial ass and coax Tom back over from Facebook.

Rupert Murdoch you're on my list.

Speaking of lists, here's the list of confirmed dates:

Wednesday, July 11th
9:30PM
The Laugh Gallery
at
Rime
Commercial dr. and Napier St.
Vancouver
($5)


Thursday, July 12th
9:00PM
Highly Contagious
at
The Wired Monk
4th and Trafalgar
Kitsilano
(donation)


Friday, July 13th
10:00PM
Blue's Comedy
at
Stages Lounge
Broadway and Heather
Vancouver
(donation)


Monday, July 16th
9:00 PM
Comedy Night at the Twist
Oliver Twist Pub
7557 Edmonds Street
Burnaby
(no cover)


Tuesday, July 17th
8:30pm
Crash and Burn Night
at
Yuk Yuks
In the Century Plaza hotel
Burrard and Nelson
Vancouver
($5)


Wednesday, July 18th
8:30PM
Pro Am night
at
Yuk Yuks
In the Century Plaza Hotel
Burrard and Nelson
Vancouver
($5)

Second Show

9:30PM
The Laugh Gallery
at
Rime
Commercial dr. and Napier St.
Vancouver
($5) - repeat performance


Thursday, July 19th
9:00PM
Highly Contagious
at
The Wired Monk
4th and Trafalgar
Kitsilano
(donation) - repeat performance


Monday, July 23rd
8:30PM
Myles of Comedy
at
Myles of Beans
7010 Kingsway
Burnaby
(no cover)

Second Show

9:30PM
House of Comedy
at
Balthazar Lounge
Bidwell and Davie
Vancouver
($5)


Tuesday, July 24th
9:30PM
Comedy Night at Kino
at
Kino Cafe
Cambie and 19th
(donation)


Thursday, July26th
9:00PM
Comedy Corner at Howie's
at
Howie's Bistro and Bar
2830 Bainbridge Avenue
Burnaby
($5)


Friday, July 27th
10:00PM
Blue's Comedy
at
Stages Lounge
Broadway and Heather
Vancouver
(donation)


Monday, July 30th
9:30PM
Jester's Circus
at
The End Cafe
Commercial @ Hastings
Vancouver
($5)



Alright, that's all the confirmed stuff for the rest of the month but as always dates are sure to be added. Hell you could always email me if you need any updates.

3:44 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

A letter from Paris.

Chicks man, won't leave me be.



----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: HunnyBunzz
Date: Mar 29, 2007 3:14 PM


Hey there...nice myspace page.. anyways I was bored so thought Id say hi.. my M..S..N and A..I..M are on my page so chat me there..I'm trying to meet some new people (I just moved lol) . Im also new on myspace...not really use to how it works yet so if u write me back on here it may take a while for me to respond lol.. use M.S.N (my A.I.M is fucked up and freezes)... chat soon if you're interested xoxox Paris


----------------- My Reply -----------------
From: this is simon king.
Date: Mar 29, 2007 5:19 PM


i am no talk england well. correction of message you send to myplace and good communication. we are so converse on massager for collection of fee? prostitution from you? yes no?

we talk and then sex chat for copulation purpose and alltogether it will end well? YES!!!????

words back!? marriage??? i am not citizen of country but i live here with my dog stalin. he is shittyzoo dog. small but sharp teeth. thats stalin for you.

talk to you when?

CONGRATULATION!!!!!!!!!


sexosexo

8:15 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Who is it? Why Goat James Lipton of course.

"Inside the Actor's Studio I like eating paper bags and soda cans."

1:08 AM - 5 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Blah blah blah.

I don't really have anything to say. I used to be able to blog quite freely but these days it seems that my mind is far too cloudy.


Bah. I'm stumbling on my own thoughts and it's not due to any outside substance. Well maybe just a wee bit of high grade Mongolian Yak Heroin. That stuff will make you grow hair on the inside of your skull. I hope.


Yeah, I'm in LA now and have been for a couple of weeks or so. It's okay down here I guess. I really would prefer to be in pretty much any other city but I have slowly become accustomed to this place. It's an aquired taste, like the first time you drink latex semi gloss paint. Your body is screaming "STOP DRINKING THIS CRAP IT'S POISON!" but your mind is saying "This'll teach them all to ignore me. They'll miss me when I'm gone." You know, standard stuff.


I'm tired and I have been for what seems like months. I'm not sure why but I can't seem to get my head straight. God I wish I was addicted to something I could blame for all this and then just go cold turkey.

That expression is weird because if you actually go to Turkey, it ain't cold at all. Thanksgiving there mut be odd. "Hey, hold on, we're in Turkey. I'm sleepy."


Because of the tryptophan.

I invented a saying. Well invented is pretty grandious to say the least but I did come up with one.


"Shake the trees and rake the leaves."





That should really be followed with some sort of punching the air with your fist motion for full effect. Now, I know initially most of you are wondering about my burgeoning interest in matters arboreal. No my friends. This saying, aside from mentioning trees and foliage and the subsequent action when said foliage is discharged from is lofty perch, has nothing to do with trees. It's about taking action to get things done.

Awaken the giant within. Or in my case, the bitter midget within.




Well I should probabaly waddle off, I'm sure I've got something to do. I think I'll go down to the Home Depot and get those Mexican dudes that hang out there to help me build a fire breathing death robot.

1:32 PM - 4 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment

Twenty seven tips to live by.

5:21 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment