puerto rican corpse embalmed so it can stand up at 3 day wake.
The Vigil
BREITBART | Submitted by: Synther One lucky dead guy gets "special embalming treatment", enabling his corpse to stand throughout a three-day wake. Slow day, gang.
i dont think its unrealistic that a 24 year old would have his funeral planned. I planned mine long ago. As I get older , it changes a little due to my maturity. Of course i only type the wishes on myspace or rotten or tell my friends while drinking my plans so i m not sure if its legal but i dont think my parents would approve of my ideas. No offense to them but do puerto ricans do everything half assed, i mean how creative is standing up at your funeral? Heres a retro-sirbutlust on my recent funeral wishes (which i have been planning to add stuff for some time, just too lazy.)I edited it for your pleasure as it was a much longer post as i bitch about how im becoming an old geezer. i left all that out (your welcome) and just put in my funeral arrangements. As i said i would have done more to it but i was in a rush casue i typed this right before i got on a plane bound for vancouver and hate flying. I wish i could go back in time before that flight and tell myself about youtube sensation "Pruane2forever". THat kid cracks me up and apparently he lives in vancouver and i have an idea where now. anyhow, with out further delay, my funeral wishes...
Id prefer my family not be there for the funeral, if they are, dont serve food, they talk with there mouths full and would spit crumbs on my corpse. One member may just eat me. Id like to be buried with my buccaneer tie, but much like in life, someone will have to tie it for me cause i cant. Id like to be buried with my brown padre hat, but not on my head or near my head, keep it by my feet it smells. Id like Tool's "eulogy" to be played but do it when my family leaves cause theyll complain about the lyrics and the swearing. Then wehn it gets to that part in the middle with the instramental climax part were its like "whaaannttt whannntt ddaaaa whannntt whannntt" i want my body to be lifted by a rope and pulley system to hang above the room like jesus on the cross. All the doors will then be sealed for this display (for some symbolic reason BS ill come up with) and thats what i want people to think but little do they know as my body is floating there, precious embalming fluid is leaking out of my corpse butt hole and dripping onto the candles (i forgot, lots of candles at my funeral) it engulfs my body in a beautyful flame making me glow, puttign the people in awe till tehy say "oh crap everything else is catching on fire and the damn doors are locked". This is the only way i can think of keeping my final wish that after the funeral, everyone heads to the bar and gets drunk and breifly talks about sirbutlust till some one brings up talking about the Yankees or some reality show. Instead they will be with me on the other side listening to me brag how i became a serial killer after death. Also in Leiu of flowers, funeral attendees are encouraged to bring flammable stuff like newspapers, mattresses and gas or other accelarents. In case you want to donate money to a charity in leiu of flowers, please bring one of those really big cardboard checks to leave piled around my casket.
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Speaking of that Pruane2forever guy on you tube, i found out about him on rotten and watched a lot fo his videos. They are real bad but i find them interesting. It makes me glad i didtn record myself as a dumb teenager. I cringe listening to tapes i made as a ten year old. The poor kid gets reamed out by obnoxious youtube commenters about his horrible teeth and skreechy voice, who somehow feel its cool to insult a 14 year old kid who has the balls to post these videos. I for one hope he makes more and since i cant find anyone to make a video i have written for my "Sirbutlust industires commercail" am contemplating having him make it. Unfortuanly he is like me and has no friends willing ot do it. heres a link to my favorite video about a crow in his back yard. I like how it shows his relationship with his step dad "john" who he has to call dad now and how John seems totally embarressed his kid is an internet phenomemon in a bad way and seems to happen to devolped a drinking problem.. good stuff. i plan to blog about it or maybe a great cartoon. so you should study them. If you can sit and listen through one of his "my thoughts on...." webcam speech video, than you probably are the type of person who can sit through the entire "2girls1cup videos.
lastly, i posted a bulletin about my digital camera i went swimming with. Its on ebay now. It s good for parts or as sirbutlust memrobelia. Like i said its like my keyboard i sold but with out cat hair, peanuts, and fingernails stuck in it.
attention kmart shoplifter, i want to squish you PART TWO
Part two of the blog below this one.
As you can imagine, a story about when i was in college is extremly interesting and Intense so you might want to read the bottom one first as the second one might be a spoiler for the first.
somewhere in the distance, i hear Pontius saying "that was good, i want to hear more"
ok, ponti.thats good cause i need to type crap to stop thinking about how verizon screwed me over and i wasted a whole day waiting for the repari guy and then got stood up and then got chinese and the lady said my cheeks are getting fatter.
My Kmart career ended a little while after being the only one left in the shoe section. As i stated, the manager left, and the ohter girls quit or became pregnate and left. I narrowly avoided being accused as the one who stole the candy packages and stored them in the boiler room in the shoe departemnt office in the back. Though the managers hated me, they knew that it was former shoe employee bernie the stoner who did it back in his three weeks of terror. The head chic felt htat a dumbass 19 year old wasnt fit to handle the shoe department on a part time schedule nad would frequetnly visit me. Impressed with my tan dockers, white shirt, red kmart vest and brown shoes i started wearing to shut the personel lady up, she helped me spearhead her new promotion. The Little league world series was in our neck of the woods nad she decided to have me fill a entire Ailse with little leager cleats and find somewher to put all the other displaced shoes in that ailse. For that task she awarded me three Kmart/Little league world series pins that were sure to go up in value according to her. Not being able to keep my mouth shut, i informed her that the little league world series means only two teams are playing and they are most likely foriegn so if little league is done till the spring , why would someone want ot pay full price for Macgregor brand kids cleats.
She was now aware i was too much trouble for the job and unalble to be on my own so she decided ot have a employee from a philidelphia store show up to help me out for a week as he completed Kmart shoe training school. He was 23 and i thought he was very smart and mature, as i was a dumbass teenager who didnt realize that the only mental and maturity wise differnece in a 23 and 19 year old is one can legally drink. He was your stocky short, glasses wearing typical geek. Looked like paton oswald with glasses. He marveled at how the store was rectangular shaped like his but looking at the front of the store, that was the short part of the rectangle. He said he never saw a Kmart designed that way and marveled at it like a dork , much like i did in Sedona Arizona at the only Mcdonalds with Teal arches instead of golden. We grew to hate each other as he was a go getter who felt he could revolutionize the world of kmart shoes. HE came up with all kinds of crazy ideas to make Kmart shoes more convient, much at my expense of doing the hard orginizing work. the only good thing that happened was a year before hand i wrote, "you suck" on a page that would take a year to get too, thinking the female coworker would get it. Unfortuanlty she left and by the time this page was uncovered, that guy from philly found it and he didnt seem pleased seeing that when he flipped ot the page and thought it was meant for him. I still have that page in my closet in my "drawer of shame" along with police summons nad so forth. He wrote "thank you, Mr. (sirbutlusts last name)" it still makes me laugh.
One night he took me to dinner at a TGIfridays and as part of the deal, he paid for it if i promised to tell the head corporate lady that he didnt leave to go back to philly a day early and fend her off so he wont get in trouble. I agreed and said "no problem ill just say your busy, or at lunch or in the can." He left that night saying he had a big date with a chic back in philly and wished me well. I knew he was lying on both accounts. The next day, the head corporate lady called and i was ticked cause that guy didnt do some crap he said he was going to do so when she asked wehre he was i said "he went back to philly and wants me to lie and say he's here but cant come to the phone and im afraid i cant do that with a clear concience to soemone i respect like you maam.". She told me i did the right thing.
Other coworkers would help me out and one gossipy 45 year old lady told me that the entire Kmart management team hates my guts and its cause they think im gay cause i had earrings and dyed hair. I was mad and sick of those guys so i threw my red smock in the break room and wrote "i quit" on the daily planner. I then flipped ahead fifty pages and wrote "you suck" nad then flipped it back to the "i quit" page. I bet fifty days later someone got that "you suck" message and it really pissed them off. Anyhow that was the end of Kmart employee sirbutlust. i miss the trash compactor.
I know this wasnt enjoyable but it beats listening to me complain about how verizon fucked me over today.
Atte4ntion Kmart shoplifters, i would like to squish you.
Wrong Place To Hide
Canoe | Submitted by: pundit A pair of would-be shoplifters were casing out the TJ Maxx, when they were accosted by a security guard. Nimbly they maced him before hiding, one behind a trash compactor, the other inside it. How the compactor was activated is not explained.
I worked at K-mart in the shoe section in college and overheard a trailer park family attempting to switch there kids dirty shoes with some new spiderman shoes. I quickly lept into action and ratted him out to the security guard. The security guard was really fat, as was the style at the time in pennsylvania, yet he managed to catch the bad family with one of his clever tricks. I watched in amazement as he hid behind mens clothing racks, stealthly following the family. I then was awarded 20 K-notes for a job well done. The evil personel lady who was 45 and lived with her parents had to give them to me which really irked her cause she hated me cause i refused to wear brown shoes or give her a doctors note saying i had to wear sneakers.
I used my K-notes in combination with my ohter K-notes i got for winning employee of the month (you can win this with two votes, just get two other people who are corrupt like yourself and vote for each ohter on different months) and got a free bean bag for the back of my Dodge ram van.
One of the perks of selling shoes at kmart is you get shippments of shoes in cardboard boxes that arent recyclble like regular cardboard. THis really hot asian chic from foods always spent wensdays (shipment day) pulling all the stuffing out of the shoes so they could be brought to the store displays by me. I remember her well, she always said i need to get laid casue i always noticed orgy like dirty shapes in the balled up paper she was pulling out of the shoes. She also didnt enjoy watching silica gel balls bounce wehn you rip them out of the package as much as me. Her best friend was my coworker, this other chic. Her name was Cassie. I would call her Assie and giggle and cross out the "C" on her name on the daily chores list the boss left. She tolerated this. what she couldnt tolerate is any talk about any kind of oral sex, and when you did talk about it, she gagged and looked like she was going to vomit. Our boss tom was a really small skinny guy with a mustache and had four more kids than he could afford (four to be exact). the family dresesd like Randy quaids family in those chevey chase movies. One time he quit and i was in charge of the shoe department. I got to talk with the corperate head people and decide when to do blue light specials. I did two of them and it was really cool. i swiped a lot of those blue stickers with the light bulb. All the other K-mart people hated me. Good times.
any how back to the boxes. Since they couldnt be put in the bailer with real cardboard boxes (ours were from china so that may have something to do with it) we through them in the trash compacter. It was a tun of fun and they had a poking stick to push the stuff down. One of the store managers suggested i flatten the boxes first as to not casue a jam up but me in my managerial superior power, knowing that he shoe section is actually seperate comapny called Meldisco renting space from the Kmart company, decided not to listen to him. Even right after all the foul food was dropped into the compacter, which was like a slide leading ot a pit with the crusher thing, that couldnt keep me from chucking stuff in the compactor with glee.
I guess what i am trying to say in hte rambling is catching shoplifters is like chocalate and crushing garbage is like peanut butter. Put them together and you have something really amazing. i wish i had the chance to try this. I guess there must have been some rats i squished in the garbage but its just not the same
I like this canadian kid, makes me laugh. also makes me glad i didnt video tape myself wehn i was a dumbass kid. check out all his videos on youtube if you want to kill a few hours and become incresingly dumber. also heres a good video you should save towards the end if you are slowly getting stoned or drunk as you watch them.
If your one of the doushebags that i hang out with or know from new jersey, you already stated you dont care and im a moron. Should you live far away, and want to see the article, theres a way you can see it using your computer.
Simply go to the site mentioned above, and you will see the magizine with insturctions. Now look up and youll see a maginfying lense i nthe top right corner. This is the search tool. Type sirbutlust and it will find one match which has a link for page 24. click the link and it will bring you there. Then you can zoom in by clicking on it and use the hand tool to drag the page around so it is totally readable.
I am quite pleased that a thank you letter i wrote to Dan Lorenzo became not only a published drawing but my whole letter taking up the column. In a way, he got a week off from having to write a column. that was nice of me. This is my third time in this magizine if you count a editorial two weeks ago (from the same current letter about teens) and if you count a valentines love gram that i submitted for my girlfriend (and they left my "age 31" off the signature which pissed me off).
Also this becomes a science project in a way. there are a few scenarios that can come out of this.
1. Teen and young adult orange text messaging females read this and become offended and "Google" sirbutlust ot find my page and ream me out like that one chick did that one time on rotten who dated a killer i made fun of.
2. The above mentioned chics see the picture in steppin out and think its cute and put it in there lockers, never fully understanding it.
3. The above mentioned chics never notice it casue they dont read the articles but are only skimming through looking for bars they can dance on the bar at.
4. the above mentioned want to ream me out but have no idea how to find me and complain to each other about the mean picture on there sidekicks.
5. They will be ticked at me and there one smart, kinda plain freind will mention how to find my site so they can ream me out but there boyfreinds will giggle at the picture nad piss off the above mentioned girls who will immedaitly forget me and yell at them for days.
thanks for reading,
sirbutlust age 32 (as seen in steppin out magizine)
Just recently, the anniversery of USA Atomicically Bombing Japan and ending World War II passed and we even learned that there leader apparently wasnt afraid of the bombs and wanted to keep fighting. We threw everything we had at them using crazy scientists to come up with sick ideas to destroy Japan. My personal favorite is flammable bats that would cause Japans very flammable paper and wood houses to burn down. Japan is a rich culture of never give up, be afraid to die, and never dishonor yourself. They are probably the complete oppisite in us Americans in every way, based on that great thesis statement. So it is very understandable why they might be a little pissed at us and think we are all a bunch of inempt morons. They wear diapers on long subway rides, keep living in a earthquake mecca, take our washed up baseball players and yet they control us with technology now and made inferior cars, and now they are attacking us in a whole new wave i have just discovered.
Japan is great at making video games. Im not a video game junkie but i do have a Wii at my house. It was my Christmas present for my girlfiriend. Ive been playing various games on it, i like bowling, the archery training and mario kart. Perhaps my favorite feature is making your own cute little Wii characters. look how cute my little Wii Sirbutlust is,
Then again you can make Rocky Dennis look cute too. (Chers kid on "Mask" the movie not the cartoon only i remember.)
It's a lot of fun for me to make Wii's of people, even if the facial options may be limited. Black people are real easy to make, i nailed Gary Coleman, Rodger from "whats happening" and chris rock with no problem. What really bothers me is the people who use codes to download famous people that one could never make the regular way. Guess its the artist in me that finds this lazy and uncreative. I could go on but wont.
Over the weekend i got to experince a new type of Wii game and it horrified me to see what Japans real goal is in making the Wii. It was called "Wii Fitness" and its taking the nation by storm apparently. I was with my girlfriends sister and she let me play it. I started off entering my info like my hieght and wieght. Then it did a balence test which i thought i did okay but it told me i was "UNBALENCED". This made me real mad, i hike and walk full speed atop pointy, sometimes loose rocks and ALWAYS keep from tripping should i slip. I found out the Wii thing you stand on was from the concept that Sumu Wrestlers needed to scales to be wieghed. So you can control the balence by standing harder on one side as opposed to the ohter, thats how it works. I also was told that i have a bad center of balence as well. I'd like to think its cause my schong points to the left but thats probably not the cuase, nor is that my left ball hangs lower than the right. Then they do a body fat thing somehow or something like that and it determined for some ungodly reason that i am over wieght. Being 205 and 6'1 is hardly overwieght.
Then they make your Wii character come to the main screen in front of a chart mapping your progress. kinda like this....
My character had a beer gut and ran in his white sweatpants and yellow sweatshirt and bumped bellies into my girlfriends sister and brother in law. I was completely insulted. I read that a few female kids got pissed at nintendo for calling them overwieght and there daddys complained but they probably were fat though. The pictures of the people up there are completly unrealistic from what i saw. The girl at the end must be a skeleton if thats what Wii decided she looks like. So i did some balence tests and did okay sometimes and bad in others. Then everyone else started playing and i saw something horrifiing i never seen before, something i never wnat to see agian.
Theres a arobics part where you are hula hooping with this really gay music playing. As you hula hoop, two people are standing across from you dancing and swaying to the music and occasionally throw another hula hoop to you. Its attrocious, its like something from the brady bunch has a kid with something from that 70's soul train type show with the loser 70's people lamely dancing.
My girlfrined sister started to hula hoop and then i saw it, my Wii character swaying to the musci with a big ass dumb happy grin on its face. He seemed like he was really enjoying it and it was horrifing to me. It was like seeing a video of yourself drunk doing something really gay that you didnt remember and everyone you know is watching it with you. I fear hell is watching your life all over agian with everyone watching so you can see how this is a huge fear for me. My fat tummy moving as i sway, holding a hula hoop nodding ot hte hula hoop girl like i was saying "your doing great, this is fun, you go girl".
Then they did jogging and my girlfriend was running in a virual park and all the sudden my Wii character jogged by in his yellow jumpsuit, smiling with his eyes closed, much like one of those generic Japanese Voltron or pokeman human cartoons. THat was horrifing too. Then i had to do some dance thing were you step on and off the platform consol, in the way they tell you to and your standing on a stage in front of all these Wii characters. I immediatly understood why my girlfriends five year old neice cried the whole time on stage during her graduation from preschool while they were singing and dancing. It was horrible.
Upon reflection, i have figured out Japans goal for making this game. Its revenge for World War II. First i play some easy sports games on my Wii, and make my Wii character for it that is really cute and makes me think im cute. Then i do good in Mario Kart which makes me think im a good driver. Then im doing good in Archery practice cause i learn you get more points if you shoot one at a time and accuratly rahter than shoot everything up and makes me think id be good in war. Any time i do do good in a game, they make it harder and it makes one give up. THen they bring out hte fitness thing and i start thinking i m fat and not cute anymore. I question my balence.
Next they have a gym for arobics and such and you can choose a male or female trainer that looks like a bland real person. everything is gray and blue and disgusting and not Wii-like.
Look at the picture of the chic gym instructor. She DOES NOT turn me on at all and that rarely happens with a cartoon chic. I start to question if yellow sweatsuits are the color for me, maybe ill look slimmer in blue, then it hits me, Japan wants me to think im becoming gay.
Think about it, the console comes with Wii sports and the only sport you can stay good at is bowling. the ohter games get real harder as you go on and you get sick of trying. Try getting your skill level over 500 at boxing, isnt hard to do but then the japanese guy with the mole starts wailing on you. Japan wants amercians to not be able to feel they can pitch a ball hard, swing a bat or golf club, beat someone good in boxing, they want us to fail so we give up and become even lazier slobs. They want us to think we are good at driving and drive fast and take chances like in Mario Kart, so we will kill ourselves in real life driving. They probably figure 25% of us will try and shake our cars steering wheel to do tricks if we ever get airborne.
Then they assume if we keep doing practice target shooting and get higher scores for not missing any shots and taking slow nad controlled shots, it will be easier for them to invade as opposed to us just shooting at them with machine guns. And the Wii fit, off course , is to make us doubt our baleance, fitness, and sexuality. Then we will be less likely to mate and less kids will be born to help us defiend the country. Some people may find this motivation to work out on Wii more thinking they can get fit from it not realizing your heart rate goes back down while you are switching through the menus. These are the same people who never get a sweat or a good heart rate going a the gym cause they text message for two minutes between every set.
Id like to also make note that with everything chinas doing and russia surprising everyone nad invading Georgia, in a move so big one wonders if anyone had the balls to really try and stop them if it wouldnt start a world war III, that japan is just sitting there quietly waiting innocently to launch an assult against anyone i suppose. Maybe Japan is doing the Wii fit thing to make people walk more gently like you have to do when playing the game. THey get a lot of earthquakes and it was my theory years back that if everyone jumped at the same time, earth would suffer many earthquakes. Remember when i tried to get everyone to jump 9:00 pm (EST) on a monday night during a Tampa Bay buccaneers/ Green bay Packer game hoping to see if this would happen but no one spread the word and it never happened? In any case im sure Japan is doing it to be evil. And dont forget, there are tons of Wii games i have never played to analyze there benifit for the Japanese in invading America. I did play the simpson one nad that was a lot of confusng problem solving that would drive you nuts, maybe that was to make us over think ways to beat them like send flammable bats to japan instead of going for the obvious like just nuking them.
I 'd like to emphosize that the female gym instructor looks like she has oranges in her shirt, it looks so fake but htat doesnt stop me from gigling when she says you can look at her do a exercise from behind if you want. The guy one looks like the male Massage theorpist George Costanza gets stuck with on sinefeld were he freaks out so it 'd be wierd ot use him instead of the chic. So get the Wii fitness if you want, do the hula hoop or better yet have someone else do it and watch yourself on the sidelines dancing to it and see if you can stop from vomiting in horror. End up like me contemplating if you should do yoga to make your wii character look thinner, wondering if you should flap your hands to look better, as suggested wehn doing the step dance on the stage, work hard to unlock the level were your dressed up in a adorable fish costume and supposed to balence to catch fish. The Japanese have launched an assult, people and there is going to be hell to pay.
In case you missed it, here is my bulletin i recently posted.....
Sirbutlust Industries making video. Needs help.
I have planned the most amazing short film of our time to be used as a commercail for my artwork and blogs. As you may know, i am trying to make my myspace page only feature my own creative work (with the exception of my music pick, i cant sing, you dont want that). I do however need a video and i dont have any film making experience. I have sent one letter to someone who is good at this, but they dont read there mail or are possibly dead. THere whole page is white and you have to guess where it says "send message". this took me two tries . IF this is you, check your damn mail.
In any case, if anyone else is capable of making a one minute video that they can put on myspace so i can load it easily to my page, Please contact me. I will pay for any neccasary accessories that should be needed for the process such as a clown uniform, Makeup, redneck outfit, a possibly whino mime uniform, a bow and arrow, a dinner fork, and a fake wedding ring. You should live close to railroad tracks and have access to three good actors, preferably male. Also there is no sound during the video but rahter a voice over. I hope this can be done by a chic with a smooth sounding voice. Lastly the person should be able to splice tape, for a lack of a better word. the video will feature numorous shots that mesh together, much like a tv show, not just one continuous camera angle say something like when they tape the president speaking to the nation.
This video could send your carreer flying high as a director and film maker. You will get lots of credit and i will take credit for writing it since you might not want to. This will be the most amazing commercail ever, i just need someone who can make it for me. Dont ask me to help, i cant act. Please look into your heart and say "i really want to help Sirbutlust with his new video cause it would reallly mean a lot for him.
before i go, i can also do good. Here is a profile for a freind of mine who has started a non profit organazation called "music feeds people".
They do good work and i m working on some drawings for them. heres a rough sketch of one.
if there is anyway you can help them out, do so. If you make videos and want to make one for them but are tied for time, Do my video instead. Then wehn your a successful director, due tto your new found fame you can do there video.
thank you for your time.
Sirbutlust (age 32)
Heres a nice response i got from "Music saves people"....
Aug 7, 2008 5:23 PM Yay! you have artistic ability and now a conscience, lol. Thanks for helping out. -Sydney
Now i would like to talk about my concience. I have studied the workings of the brain and its lymphatic system. Heres some interesting stuff i learned. Your conscinece is the section of the brain that tells you right from wrong and if something is evil or immoral. Lymphatic system is your brain produceing a hormone thing called Seratonin (sara-tone-in) (also spelled wrong probably). When something pleasurebale happens to you, it secretes seratonin and makes you feel happy and your brain wants more of the stuff. This is controlled by will power. Animals such as dogs only have the lymphatic system and no concience. this is why they snag food from you and only go by there instinctive impulses. they would eat you if you fell dead in your house, i d bet. IF you want to produce high levels of seratonin, a phscyologist would suggest having sex. A really bad shrink would suggest doing something that produces 10 times as much seratonin with something like getting loaded. A real bad one would suggest heroine or cigarrettes as that just gushes seratonin This is how addictions start. When you learn about this lovely animalistic feature of our brains, you realize you really do have a devil on one shoulder nad a angel on the ohter.
Make it more fun, try quitting smoking. IF you quit smoking cold turkey, your brain laughs at you and says "Ok this is like your stint at the gym, it will last three months and youll stop going, ill just play along while your really into it a and wait till when you think your doing good and least expect it and then Bam, cravings hit". Talking to a professional about quitting, he said to quit one cigarette every four days or more and slowly stop, fooling your lymphatic system so its not craving them as much as it wont notice a decrease of one cigarrette a day. It makes a lot of sense but it really scares me that my brain is agianst me and if part of it had its way, id be living in a opium house, wacking off, eating cheeze its all day.
So it is good to have a consciense. I guess if you devolop it , it fights the bad part of your brain. Then you become a better person. Knowing your brain is battleing itself is a horrible truth to know and i think i was better off not knowing about it sometimes. Now that i told you, you are aware of it, have fun with that. You think of a mentally ill person arguing with themselves and you say, my brain is arguing with itself all the time now too, am i insane. No your not insane, this is natural. the secret of having your consciense battle your lymphatic system is dont walk around talking doing a play by play of what is going on in your head. IF you are contemplating that second piece of cake at a dinner, do not slap your head around and make 1960 batman refreences going "biff, bam poof zap".
Inside our head we have a diseased hunk of meat that we barely understand the depths of what it can accomplish. This is why when anyone tells me believeing in any god is stupid i tell them they are stupid and if there was a god, our dumb little brains wouldnt comprehend it. So this was my little medical/ anatomical speech explaining our brains. Hope it was informational and you learned something. Now here are some storys about my great conscience.
My concience tells me not to watch "everybody loves raymond" cause it knows i really want to bone Raymonds wife for some reason and i go nuts saying "stop fightning with her, kick the parents out and go bone her you moron". Also the show features them sitting there talking non stop not eating the food in front of them and that drives me nuts too cause due to my hard to control lymphatic system, i cant sit at a table with food and not eat. Fortunaly my active lifestyle keeps me from getting fat but i always burn my mouth shoving something too hot in my mouht and having my conscience say "told you so". MY conscience also says I may watch "Everybody loves raymond" if i just masterbated in the shower or raymonds wife has that short hair cut that makes it look like she has sideburns.
Sometimes the mom on Home Improvement turns me on for some reason (except when she has that one ugly haircut) and my consicence says i should watch it (or really ever mention this). My limphatic system tells me to think dirty thoughts and when i do, the consceinse allows them but does it right before they show Al or some dirt ball construction worker that ruins it for me.
My conscience told me when i was 22 that i should throw out all this porn magizines i had when i was trying to get a girl i real liked and maybe ill be rewarded. She turned out to be nuts and i missed my porn. My limphatic system told me to get loaded and buy porn form the 7-11 next to the bar and never throw out porn but save it in a box in the attic for the future.
I was in a wendys nad it was full of soccar moms who bring there kids there for lunch. I wonder if the dads know they do this? The soccar moms all socialize while the little kids run around in the disgusting play area and all through the restaurant. Walkiing with the tray, my limphatic system told me of al lthe pleasures i would feel if i pretended i didnt see those kids running right by me and smacked right into them knocking them on there butt and making the mom not paying attention. Then my consciense kicked in and said htat would be mean to take it out on a kid and id be like one of those divorcing parents taht use there kids in the divorce. So my consciense and my limpahtic system cut a deal and i desided to walk into one of the moms on her cell phone wandering around not paying attention. Then my conscinse broke the deal when it noticed all the ohter soccar moms watch each ohter and it would be noticeable and they probably sue anyway. To make up for breaking the deal up, my conscience allowed my lyphatic system a extra Jr. bacon cheeseburger.
So as you can see, the mind is a evil thing. Some day we will die and our soul will float out of our body. Hopefully the lymphaitc system stays with the body or we will be floating orbs of our soul which consists of two parts that dont agree. IT will be awkward.
Now be sure to go to "music saves people" nad befreind them and think if there is a way you can help them out. Then you can yell at them for getting me to talk about my conscience and creating this bomb of a post. hurry up, go now.
Florida Capital News | Submitted by: Flag Hag "We're deeply concerned and disturbed that our reporter -- of all of those in that area -- was asked to move. My understanding is that Stephen was the only reporter approached and asked to leave the area, and the only reporter in that area who is black. Another reporter who stood up for Stephen was then asked to leave."
Top ten speculated reasons why mccain made the one and only black reporter leave the area.
1. He kept staring at Mrs. Mccains big booty.
2. He smelled like popyes chicken and thats the crap they tortured and fed Mccain with in vietnam during his torture.
3. His gold tooth kept reflecting sunlight into mccains eyes.
4. NO one asked him to leave,he ran away. He was just slightly nearsighted and he saw mccains whiteness and thought he was a KKK guy in a robe with a bulbous non pointy kkk hat.
5. Mccain made one of his racist/sexist/inappropriate bad timeing jokes to him when he was introduced to the black reporter and said "Phew, i dont see alot of black people on my tour and its good to know your last name isnt Mccain like that last one. You start thinking, 'i wonder if he was my ancestors slave and he took the family name' and its awkward, ill tell you, yuk yuk"
6.He suggested that Mccain could try and outdo Obamas wifes popular fist greeting with a over the head high five not realizing Mccains war injuries keep him from being able to raise his hands over his head.
7. He was rapping to himself outloud trying to impress on of the hot reporter chics.
8. His midnight black silk suit and black tie and black shoes were making mccain look even whiter. Also his yankee hat was a trademark logo and he refused to remove it.
9. He went "god daaaaamnnnnnn" when Mccains daughter walked by.
10. When Mccain was peeing in a urinal, he looked over and saw this very reporter peeing as well and the reporter looked at his wiener and smirked
Obama Campaign Rallies: No Feces, Sorry
KMGH-TV 7 Denver | Submitted by: Flossy666 Organizers and DNC collaborate toward a shit-free convention: "The Denver City Council has passed an ordinance barring protesters from carrying buckets of feces during the Democratic National Convention. Three protest groups say they've already promised not to toss, smear or spray feces, and they call the new ordinance insulting and excessive."
Obama is just trying to get away from his wife for a while. She carries buckets of poop and throws it, thats why she does the fist slam greeting, her fingers are full of poopy.
In other news, Two Obama aids were fired wehn they suggested that obama wear white face paint to show if anyone throws even the tiniest bit of poop at him. APparently wehn they showed obama this artist rendintion, they had no idea how offensive it was to african americans. They now aer working on the Mccain campaign.
I forgot i was going to do something special to celebrate my 20,000th blog view so here it is. I'm tired so im just going to do a half assed post of my favorite comment on dailyrotten of all time in a Retro-sirbutlust. Enjoy.
Grease fire
ABC-4 | Submitted by: anonymous "Fire officials said the six-hundred pound man was in being cremated when his body fluids were too much for the oven. The body fluids seeped out onto the floor and ignited causing a fire at the Garner Funeral Home in Salt Lake City."
"The crematorium is back in business and the funeral director said they'll notify the family to assure them their loved one wasn't harmed"
a letter from the salt lake city based funeral home/crematorium to the family of the fat guy.
dear Ms. grenchowski,
We at the burning morman funeral home and crematorium would first like to offer our condolences on your brothers passing. Theres something you should know about how the creamation went. Lets start off by explaining we all live in salt lake city utah and as you know it is the most lazy city in the country. This explains the deceased, Berts weight problem and the fact none of us move to a funner city. Anyhow, i being the funeral director and the head crematorium guy decided to let someone else handle the task of getting a 600 pound hairy corpse into the oven. I gave the job to Ordonez, (this stupid mexican who got lost trying to go to Los angeles). Ordonez used too much lighter fluid and there was a problem. In non technecal terms, he burnt the body so quick that the outside skin burned so fast the juicy insides spilled out causeing a grease fire. SO anyhow, funny story, your dead brothers juices caught fire to our floor. Its a real mess and our janitor frank wont touch it. ORdonez quit and the oven doesnt have any self cleaning knobs like you would find on a regular oven. So instead of you dumping 1000 dollars on a 600 pound mans deluxe jumbo urn (the previously agreed upon model, the fat ash 400X), we decided to make everyone happy, we will give you a free urn for your troubles. The urn is the oven we dont want to clean. YOu have ten days to pick up your oven/urn.
once agian our condolences.
skippy van bureun president and ceo of burning morman crematorium and funeral home
Historical figure shows himself to sirbutlust much like the virgin mary does for other idiots.
A famous American Hero has appeared to Sirbutlust in a puddle of Printing Ink from beyond the grave.
New Jersey- (True story.) As a printer, my work is pretty lame. I make stuff that people will eventually throw away when they get it in the mail. If its one of the nicer things i print, it will be scratched all to hell from the automatic mail seperators. I may never make anything that hangs in a museum or be admired by the public (work speaking of course and not meaning my sirbutlust autographed baseball cards or crayon artwork). But today, i created something by accident while cleaning my ink fountian, something not meant for the customer, that i can save for myself for generations, something that i can possibly sell on ebay, something that someone, who i will reveal later, sent me from the grave possibly. Look at the first picture below, figure out what you see in the orange ink. In the blank area below is actualy a paragraph i have made the same color as my blog background so its unreadable unless you highlight the type. Highlight the type now or save it for later, its you choice. i think youll be pleasently surprised.
Here is some technical jargon to explain what i do at work so you better understand how this was created. I recently posted a blog about the image of virgin mary being found in a dirty sink and dont want anyone to think i did this on purpose. (shown below)
I was running 1000 yellow nad black envolopes on a two color press. The yellow ink is actually orange colored looking but yellow when layed on paper. It is Pantone Matching System (PMS in printers terms) 114. When running a light color and a dark color, the dark color eventually works its way into teh lighter color. Order some yellow and black letterhead and notice how when you go down the pile it seems to be darker. A good printer is able to run the black ink just light enough so its dark but doenst contaminate the ohter color. I was lazy and didnt care, light yellow and dark yellow are the same to me and the customer would never know.
I use a putty knife (shown in photo above in the top right on paper) to scoop out the orange colored ink out of the ink fountian. Its full of viens of black ink that worked its way in. I laid down a piece of 20 bond paper (the paper in your computer printer) and wiped off the knife as i scooped it all out. I wipe in different areas of the paper casue ink is very gloppy, much like one would use different sections of TP when crapping. This was done in no particular order or style.
I then was about to throw the paper away when i saw this startling image. Having left my camera home, i took three pictures with my cell phone and immedialty showed it to two coworkers. The bosses slow son said it looked like fire nad i said no, dont think orange, think ink blot test like your shrink gives you when he puts magnets on your head (long story). He eventually saw it. I then showed it to a graphic artist who didnt see it and i had to expalin it. But then what the hell do Graphic artists know about art. there jobs consist of making designs that are infeasable to reproduce and drive printers nuts. Here are two more pictures with a close up. then i will write my paragraph in hidden ink that you have to highlight to read.
OK i changed my mind. i forgot which shade was my myspace background color and i fear it may confuse some people so here is who is in the picture.
The image is clearly a profile of George Washington praying. He has a pointy head and is looking upward facing right and his long hair can be seen dangling. It looks rather straight and he must have not had it curly, he must have just gotten out of the shower. Maybe its his real hair and the curly stuff is a wig. Geroge washington could have had long hair under that poofy wig, we may never know, i will say they dindt have buzz cutters back then. Maybe he did have short hair cause martha trimmed it all the time to put around there Mount Vernon bushes to scare away rabbits that were eating her Petunias. I wiki pediaed it and history is unclear of this, however i re-read it and it mentioned he never wore a wig but powdered his hair and it used to be red, possibly the same color as the wet ink in my photo. so anyhow that disproves my buzz cut by martha theory.
Heres another eerie coincedience, Washington died December 14 1799 just shy of 1800. I noticed this figure in my ink just before lunch. Thats pretty ironic if your mentally insane. But i think the real question is what is George Washington trying to tell me? Also if you look at the picture, you may notice a blotch over his head which to me, definattly resembles one of those bad ghost guys on pac man just creepier cause there eyes seem more swollen in like the bad guy on "scream". Were the pacman guys in pacman orange? i cant remember, i know they were blue when they became eatable but im not sure.
I think what George Washington is saying is hes pissed that people keep finding Virgin mary images in there toast and dirty sinks and sell them for a profitable sum. George Washington then thinks
"im the freaking first president and held the nation together and got rid of the british and no ones paying attention to me. . Americans should be finding me 'george' in there images they sell on ebay, not the virgin mary. Mexicans are the ones who find virgin mary in there dirty sinks, door patterns and toast and now we are going to immitate them for a profit? The virgin mary was just Jesus's mom, she just gave birth. Maybe its casue im from the late 1700's and may be a little racist or sexist but if you ask me, mary is a chic, Amercians need better to see in there visions, valient male heros from historys past"
I appologize for George Washingtons rather sexist and anti-catholic remarks but perhaps he's rigth we should start finding our own nations heros in images. Ironically i was hiking last week with my girlfriend and dog and she had to use the bathroom which would be by a big boulder. I sat there staring at the path looking at the tiny rocks in the path wondering what they have seen in there long time on earth, indains maybe george washington and some revolutionary soldiers and so forth. Then i found this one rock, that i picked up, realizing that i may he the only person who picked it up in its long existence or paid any attention to it. heres what that looked like.
See how it clearly looks like New Mexico. It was definatly the best looking pebble of the bunch and i looked for a while cause my girlfirend was taking forever. When she yelled over to me "what do i do with all the tissues?" i then said "what did you poop, bury them" and then put the rock in my pocket and brougth it home with me.
So im getting off subject but George washington is definatly trying to tell me something. Finding his image in some ink is a major feat. I have to let it dry and the problem is the ink skins so the top may be dry but it will be covering wet ink so i f it gets squished it will leak more ink and ruin it. ALso it may completly dry and fake. Its imperiative that i get it on Ebay as fast as possible and sell it to someon e who can apperciate it, dechiper it, find out if that is a pacman bad guy on top or is it a ghost and its washingtons way of saying "im the ghost of george washington" in picture form like that old 80's game show (pictionary perhaps?) were they read pictures that they slowly uncover to make sentences (where a drawing of an eye means "I" and so forth), and show it in some public event. Its a real special find and im glad George Washington felt i was the best person to reveal himself in a miracoulous image to (it also helps that im the only one who noticed it as anyone else would have thrown it away, george washington really is a smart guy)
26 Years Later: "Douglas was indicted Monday for gross abuse of a corpse. He is accused of having sex with the body of murder victim Karen Range in the morgue -- where Douglas worked as an attendant -- hours after David Steffen killed her and nearly beheaded her with a paring knife." [Submitter notes: This is the same morgue that let a professional photographer pose bodies with props, etc. a few years back. Plus they are presently being sued for harvesting body parts without consent.]
Officer- "Thank you Mr douglas for your DNA sample. Unfortunatly it links you to a previous crime. We found semen in a chic once and we now know its yours. Does the name Kare n Range ring a bell?"
Douglas- "as you can see by my good looks, i get a crapload of chics so i cant say i remember"
Officer- "she was dead. she was in the morgue."
Douglas- "um, freshly murdered right?"
Officer- "yes, she was four hours dead. She was murdered."
Douglas "was her head barely attatched?"
Officer "yes it was just hanging by a thread."
Douglas "oh yeah, the pez dispenser chic, she still got braces?"
.And heres a bonus few posts from pontius explaining what a woman pleasing stud he is along with my response.
pontius Date: 29-Jul-2008 13:57
I bet she did not wake up the neighbours.
======================= From: gargoyle1 Date: 29-Jul-2008 14:23 Where's the fun in that? I liked it when my neighbor would give me weird looks the day after.
Once agian the dementia is setting in for our dear pontius. Your neighBOR is not youR landlord, its your mommy. she lives up stairs, remember. Now you sound very studly and able to lay the pipe and satisfy the girl as you make her sound like shes being killed but once agian this is the dementia. In the real world one of the following probably occured.
1. You had a man chic in your basement apartment and when you thought you were boinking her in the vagina you were actually putting your penis in her/his penis hole.
2. Same as the above but you were poking his/her's balls.
3. Even your four inch penis is too big for a three year old (male or female).
4. It was your TV and you were watching "murder she wrote". this is also why your VCR doenst work anymore.
5. It was your stereo you were doing and you were listening to AC/DC. This is also why your tape player doesnt work anymore.
Dont worry pontius, soon the nice doctors will come and visit you and take you to a nice place were you will have nice nieghbors. A few times a day, they will let you out of your nice padded rooms and eat and color together. Perhaps one will be a nice chic you can try and force yourself upon. She may be nodding nonstop staring at the floor mumbling a lot but you can get her. Try to talk about something, and when shes done screaming like a banshee, mention you have in common such as the blue pill and try to use that to bond.
PS: your nieghbors were smart to move out. you are fat and sweaty and smell as i illustrated below.
Virgin Mary Sighted In Drain Grime KUSA-TV 9 Denver | Submitted by: gargoyle1 "A plumber working on renovations at a restaurant says he found an image of the Virgin Mary in a floor drain. The man says he was working the drainage system for a new restaurant when he noticed the strange image."
All you want to know about God, from the missing first book of the bible, Sirbutlusteous.
1. God started off a loner madman scientist type teenager who made stuff out of clay to impress some chic. He started making cute and funny animals and stuff with his clay in his free time. 2. "I'll use humor to win over this chic" said god. 3. The chics name was Janet. 4. God made the nerve to talk to her and invite her over to his apartment. 5. God used the promise that he had a working old Atari and Q-bert to lure her over. 6. Janet was apprehensive casue the last guy that asked her to come over to play his old working nintendo and mousecapades, kept trying to show her his penis. 7. THey called him satan. 8. So God offered Janet some tea and showed her some of the creatures he made. 9. He held up a animal he called a giraffe and giggled "isnt it humorous the animal i made, look at its neck, tee hee". 10. God did this with a lot of animals till janet seemed bored. 11. GOd then tried to spice things up and said "maybe i should make people like me and you". 11. Janet asked when they would play Atari as god modeled two humans in the clay. 12. Ignoring Janet, God said "i call this one adam and i will put his bone in this clay and make a chic" hopeing janet would understand his filthy double entondra.
13. God then made nipples and genitelia on each of the human clay figures. 14. he hoped Janet would get the hint that they should be naked too. 15. Janet burped a little barf. 16. God then started talking to his creations adam and eve and told them they may do what ever but dont partake of the apple tree. 17. God smiled at Janet and said "i like to mess with them, who cares if they eat a damn apple" nad then in a wierd pychotic god like sounding voice answered his own question and said "I THE LORD GOD DO HA HA HA HA" and smashed a giraffe in his hands. 18. Janet became creeped out for good. 19. Janet left. 20. God became really bummed and took his anger out on adam and eve. This would follow for some time. 21. God noticed his human creations reproduced and he smited them as well. 22. THen he gave some of them ridicoulously long names and made a few of the ones he didnt like, record the family trees of all the ohters in a book called the bible. 23. Though it drove the writers nuts and this pleased him, he felt the book lacked substance and zing. 24. God then, still mad about janet and how she told everyone in school what a wiener he was, smited his people with floods, wars, violent deaths, and crazy demands.
25. It wasnt long till Gods mom noticed how odd he was behaving and sent him to a shrink. 26. God told the shrink about his creation and how he takes his anger out on them. 27. the shrink recommended some anti-depressants and told god to shrink himself to live with the people he created to learn about them. 28. God agreed, and named himself Jesus and the shrink shrunk jesus to the size of the his cretion to live amongst them. 29. God was pretty mellow when he was jesus, and taught love, tolerance, forgiveness and everything like that. 30. It lasted for some time and people were really digging jesus but then the Shrink realized that Gods mom ran out of cash and her check bounced. 31. The shrink had some issues of his own. 32. the shrink informed jesus that to get himself out of the creation he made, he would have to be sacrificed and nail himself to this machine that makes Heaven Matter large agian. 33. this was a cross. 34. the primitive people of Gods creation didnt have all the pieces needed for the Heaven Matter Rebiggens machine, exspecially the handles so they just nailed him to it. 35. The shrink found this funny. 36. Now back in heaven, God went to work to make money to pay the shrink back for his theorpy. 37. All this time he left his creation unattended. 38. THis was called the Middle ages.
39. God eventually became a balding middle aged creepy man but was thrilled people in his creation remembered him and some worshipped him. 40 Then god started to notice some of them praying to false images of him or people he knew when he was Jesus, like mary and saints. 41. Then they started talking about him and what hes about and they were always dead wrong. 42. then other ones started bashing him. others became real jerks who trashed the place he made. 43. God was getting real mad and banging his head on his desk going "why me" as he looked at the idiots he created and how they were getting dumber, fater and more offensive. 44. ABout to nuke and smite the whole world, God took a walk. he saw a comedy club and decided to give it a shot and told about how his creation finds tortillas that look like him when he was jesus or his mom and how they even see it in sink stains. 45. He then told them of all the people he created and how they act, and how he messes with them all like making all the pychopaths in control of the precious oil and the people in the comedy club were rolling. 46. God was glad he didnt smite the earth just yet, as they are great matierial for his comedy rotine. 47. Janet went to one of his shows and still thinks hes creepy.
