Don’t date her dude!
Category: Romance and Relationships

This story appeared in the online Chicago Tribune this morning. I have copied and pasted it verbatim.

"Woman kills boyfriend for drinking her beer, officials say

Bail set at $500,000 in West Side stabbing death in car

By Matthew Walberg |Chicago Tribune reporter

10:06 PM CDT, August 7, 2008

6:32 AM - 20 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

Even my dick is bruised.
Current mood: amorous
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

A month or so ago, we moved into our new country estate. Everything has been mostly good, except for the stress that results from having to pay two mortgages and sets of utilities. We have been anticipating that we were going to build our own barn and were prepared for that. What we didn't anticipate was that everyone would be too busy to build us a horse-quality fence around our pasture. So after several "Not till November"s, and one no-show, we decided to build the fence ourselves. Having been told that the only really good type of fence post for this area is 'hedge wood' and having seen that, down in the nether regions of our ancient pecan grove, there are hedge trees aplenty, I decided to don my lumberjack persona and cut our own hedge posts. And yes, Mr Testosteroni DOES own a chain saw.  

Everything went pretty well the first two days, the only mishap being that I got my saw stuck in a tree and had to get my neighbor's help to get it free. But on the third morning, fate took control and my inexperience in the lumber-jacking trade was made all too evident. I failed to notice that the upper branches of a nearby sapling were entangled with those of a larger tree that I was cutting down. As I finished cutting the trunk of the larger tree and it began to fall, I jumped back in case the trunk made an unexpected lunge in my direction. When I did that, I jumped right into the path of the entangled sapling as it was being pulled to the ground by the weight of the larger tree. It caught me right across the shoulder and pushed me to the ground without remorse. My left leg was trapped in an awkward position under me and instinctively attempted to push back against the weight. The end result being that an abdominal muscle directly above and to the left of my dick, and an abductor along my left inner thigh both suffered second degree pulls. The first day, the pain was like that of a pinched nerve. Sharp, shooting, and SEVERE. Anytime I moved suddenly or in a certain direction I was in PAIN!

But as the days have passed, the pain has lessened, my mobility has improved and I was feeling that by Saturday, I would be up to resuming a full range of activities. I had even scheduled a neighbor's help on Saturday to go down into the woods with a tractor and help drag the logs up to the pasture so that the fence building could proceed.

However, last night we took a hard, well-considered count of the posts we were going to need. I felt sure at that point that we were well short of the number of corner posts (big ones) needed. To make sure, we decided to go walking around the woods and get a firm count. Big mistake. One of the things that causes the pain to come on is sharp sudden movements. Walking around in the woods, looking at the trees instead of where your left foot is going to come into contact with terra firma , is an excellent way to bring about sharp sudden movements.  Read: stumble. In other words, I aggravated the strain on my abdominal muscle (which seems to have gotten the worst of it).

This morning when I got up, I could see that the muscle was very swollen. Upon further inspection, I discovered a large bruise just to the left of and above my nutsack. Later as I was in the shower, I decided to shave the area directly above my dick (something I don't normally do) so that I could better monitor the swelling and bruising. After I got out of the shower, and was inspecting the damage more closely, I discovered that indeed, my dick was also bruised. About a one inch tall bruise at the base all the way from the left side over to the right. I have to say, this is a first for me. I have never bruised my dick before.    

Seeing this, I called my wife into the bathroom and showed her my bruised dick. I asked "Will this get me a sympathy blow job?" She feigned concern, blew on my cheek and said "Honey, I think a blow job is the last thing you need." I replied, "It may be the last thing I need, but it's the first thing I want."

8:07 AM - 15 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Made me cringe
Current mood: ashamed
Category: News and Politics

A leading London charity is reporting that humanitarian aid workers and peacekeepers in numerous countries have been sexually abusing children.
I realize that they too are only human - but this is just one of the most shocking things I have ever heard. 
Check the story here: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/article4012013.ece
or google "peacekeepers sex abuse"

6:59 AM - 10 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Welcome to the Mazury DMV
Category: Life

Recently we bought two barely used vehicles on ebay. One vehicle (pickup) was picked up and brought home without a hitch. The other (a van), gave us all kinds of problems. Mainly getting it transported here. The transport brokers kept underbiding the job and none of the truckers would take the gig. It took 60 days to get that vehicle brought up here from Florida. I was already making the payments when it finally arrived. But here's the kicker(s). To obtain plates for a vehicle in Mazury, one must present to the DMV: proof of insurance, an inspection certificate, a local property tax receipt for the most recent year, a copy of the sales receipt for the vehicle (so they can charge you sales tax), and the vehicle title with  information concerning the lien holder stamped on it. Sounding a bit Orwellian? Don't go away it gets better. Evidently, in Mazury, it makes a BIG difference WHERE they stamp the title with the lien holder information. And wouldn't you know it, the folks in Florida didn't stamp the title in the correct place. So we had to mail the title back to Florida so that they could stamp the lien information on the correct side of the title. End of story? Not quite.

After we got the new vehicles, I put for sale signs on both our old vehicles and parked them on the street in front of the house. Our old minivan sold right a way. So two days ago, the buyer called and says (you guessed it) the lien release stamp was stamped on the WRONG side of the title. And can I please call Chrysler Financial and get them to send me a letter (on Chrysler Financial letterhead) stating that the lien has been paid off on our 9 year old vehicle. Yeah, NINE YEAR OLD VEHICLE. Oh gosh no Mazury DMV, that van ain't been paid for yet.

It's like I tell my old friends back home - It's still 1963 here in Mazury.     

Currently listening : 1000 Kisses By Patty Griffin Release date: 2002-04-09

6:23 AM - 16 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

"Madams Fall While Their Johns Prosper"
Current mood: angry
Category: News and Politics

ABC News and others are reporting that a Washington DC woman accused of running a prostitution ring has killed herself rather than go to prison.

Meanwhile, the men who have admitted to patronizing the service have not been charged. One, a former diplomat who resigned when the scandal broke, has accepted a new position as the head of Indianapolis' airport. Senator David Vitters, another admitted patron, apologized publicly.

Myself, I can't see employing prostitutes. I would be way too embarrased to seal the deal. But I think we need to reexamine how we deal with this issue. I think the Amsterdam model would be a good place to start.

8:44 AM - 17 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

Our Home to be
Current mood: anxious
Category: Life

Our offer was accepted today on the house we have been looking at. Our realtor contacted us yesterday and told us that two other offers were being given on the place. We felt that it was by far the best deal that we'd seen since we began looking several months ago, so we huddled up with the realtor, took a deep breath, and offered just a bit less than the asking. The realtor called this afternoon to tell us the offer has been accepted. 

It has 50 acres m/l with roughly 1/3 in pasture, 1/3 in nice oak timber, and 1/3 in a very mature pecan grove that is down in an almost surreal piece of bottomland.

The house is a little over 2200sq ft with a huge enclosed back porch (16x40) that can be converted to living space,  a nearly new three car garage with a workshop off the back, and another nice little 16x20 workshop with air conditioning.  The view out the back windows is idyllic.

The inside of the house is not the style we like, but we can live with it temporarily.

So the line is drawn in the sand.  I must finish the work on this place and get it on the market, all the while preparing to move to a new place with much to be done.
Anyone want to stop by in 30 days or so and help us move? Didn't think so.

3:08 PM - 25 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

My vacation
Category: Travel and Places

Italy was fabulous. I forgot to take my camera though. And my airline tickets.
Thank goodness for disposable cameras.
A few observations about Italy:
1. I did not see one obese Italian in seven days. Not one. I think it’s cultural.
2. The concept of large stores is not popular in Italy. In fact, the only things in Italy that are large are: the Alps, the churches, and the castles.
3. Female EMT’s wear high heels to work. And look good in them.
4. 1-800 numbers are useless in Italy.
5. Black is a very popular color. Especially in clothing.
6. Italian food is overrated. I did not have one noteworthy meal in Italy. The food was very average.
7. Italian wine is very good. Especially the Chianti.
8. Italian beer is very German. Very.
9. Italian hotels sell public bus tickets, but no one collects them.
10. Italians hold Americans in such low esteem that they serve instant coffee in the hotel breakfast buffets. And get away with it. 170.00 euros per night and I get served instant coffee?

OK. But the wine was good. Really good. Vivo Italiano!

6:20 PM - 17 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Another one gonna bite the dust!
Category: News and Politics

Detriot’s current mayor and his former gal pal have invented a new form of communication - sext messaging. I’m gonna get me one of them sell fones. Maybe I can sext my wife. 

6:09 PM - 7 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Cheeky Blighters aka Direct Buy
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

My wife and I are planning to move to a farm and live the pastoral life - with horses, dogs, cats, alpacas and plenty of space. Problem is, every place we look at needs major modification. Major. The other day I happened to remember the commercials for Direct Buy Warehouse. Looked then up on the web to try and see what there product line is. Guess what. They do not publish their product line to the public. If you want to shop at one of their stores, first you must - get this - 'make an appointment' for your first visit.

Today "Tricia" calls me and gives me this big sales pitch about Direct Buy and wants me to set up an appointment. I'm like - OOOOOOOOKKKKKKAAY.

I take down all this info:  directions, reservation number (yeah - reservation number), etc. Then Tricia drops the bomb. No children under 12 allowed. So I'm thinking "What!?!? No children? Sounds uhhhhhhhh weird."  I mean what is going to go on at this  meeting that my child(ren) shouldn't hear or see. Anyway, that's only part of what burnt me up. This Tricia person then has the unmitigated gaul to ask me if I can arrange for a baby sitter TONIGHT. I'm like sure - because at this point I know I'm not going to show up anyhow. THEN she says "I'm going to call you back at 6:30 pm to confirm that you have found a babysitter." And that asshole DID. She freaking called me back and asked if I had found a babysitter?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! You are a MONUMENTAL BUNCH OF FRIGGIN ASSHOLES DIRECT BUY!

You know, if my daughter isn't welcome in your pissy little stores - well then you folks can give me a great big French kiss right at the top of my legs.

I was probably the only person left in America who didn't know this about them.

5:52 PM - 13 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Packing for Shipment 101
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

I have been packing and unpacking boxes sent to me by various people since 1986. Over 20 years. You would think that in that time I would have seen it all. And I have seen a lot, believe me. I have seen sloppy packing, meticulous packing, nonpacking,  and over-packing. To name a few. I have seen styrofoam pellets, plastic bags of air, waded up paper and plastic wrap, and a several others I cannot remember at the moment. Nothing however could have prepared me for what I saw today. One of my new ebay toys arrived just moments ago packed in fiberglass insulation. Yes. Fiberglass. Insulation. The kind they put in the walls of a house. And now excuse me because my arms are all itchy and I need to go take a shower.   

1:22 AM - 8 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment