Will I be happy this time?
Current mood: pessimistic

The first time I was accused of running away from my problems, I was surprised. I had never thought of it that way. I know that you can't actually run away from a problem, since usually they don't take a physical form it's not like they can run after you.

But when put into a bad situation most people have the natural fight or flight reaction. I don't fight, I don't really know how. And most of the bad situations I've been put in I can't fight against them. Most don't even have anything to do with me, I just get caught up in the middle of them. I become the innocent bystander that gets caught in the cross fire, so to speak.

So when I see that the bullets are getting a little too close, I move out of the way. I don't see any point in standing there like an idiot and getting hit when I can avoid it.

I've been told that I should stick it out and that things will get better with time. But why should I? I'm not happy being here, it's making my life miserable and I know that if I walk away I'll be happier somewhere else. So then why are people so upset about that? If they want me to be happy, then they should let me walk away. Don't force me to stay here and be subjected to something that makes me want to jump off a cliff.

Everyone wants to be happy, it's the end goal of everyone on Earth. Nobody goes through life purposefully trying to do things that will make them sad and hurt. Unfortunately, there are those of us that seem to attract that sort of thing, so it should come as no surprise when you see us desperately trying to get ourselves out of the bad situation we've found ourselves in.

It's not running away from our problems, it's not cowardice that's driving us. It's that want to be happy when we're so unhappy. When a battered woman finally stands on her own two feet and leaves her abusive husband, they call her a hero. When a child raised on the streets of a bad town, involved in gangs, drugs and illegal activities finally cleans up and gets a proper education and a good job, they call him strong. So then why, when a child who's life has done a 180 at the young age of 11 and everything she knows about love, life, family and friends turns out to be a big lie, do they call her weak when she finds herself constantly on the move from one place to another as she does her best to find something that makes her happy again?

Why is she called a coward? Why do those who helped turn her life on it's head look at her with disapproval when she runs from them? Why should she be sad and miserable by staying where she is? Those closest to her say they want her to be happy, so why don't they let her go find something that makes her happy?

It's true I haven't had a real home in so long, I think I've forgotten what one is. I remember how things used to be when I was little. How everyone was always smiling and laughing. And I want that again, I want that so desperately that I'd do anything to get it. I'm tired of moving all the time, trying to find my happy place. No matter where I've gone or how many people I've met along the way it never seems to work out, I've never been happy for very long and then I find myself moving again.

Along the way I've found myself working to make others happy, and I forget that I've come to make myself happy. So maybe I'm supposed to do just that? There are so many others who aren't happy, maybe, instead of finding my own happiness, I'm supposed to help them find theirs. I'm not really sure, I guess thinking that way helps me feel like I'm not uselessly pounding my head against a brick wall. I do like seeing others smile and laugh, it cheers me up a little.

There are people however that I keep trying to help though, who have hurt me in the past. The people that normally I avoid because they keep hurting me. But I suppose in my search for happiness I've found that if those people aren't happy, then neither am I. We're all tied together, and no matter how far I try to get from their problems, they eventually find me and become my problems. And of course I try to fix them, to make all of us happy. But it never seems to work out the way I want it to. The problem never really gets solved and in the end even if the people are slightly better off, I find myself more miserable than when I started.

I called myself a true pessimist the other day in front of my friend and she just laughed and told me I wasn't really. Every tunnel has a light at the end of it, right? The cloud with the silver lining? I can't stand to see people upset or hurt, so I'll spout that stuff, assure them that things will get better and that I'll help in any way I can. I want to believe it, I want that magical wand to be able to wave and make everything perfect again. But on the other side of that I know that most of the time the glass is really half empty. There are some things that no matter how much you try to fix, they are broken for good.

I just hope that soon, I'll find what makes me happy and that I can stay there and continue to be happy. I don't want that happiness to be short lived again, I don't think I can take it being snatched away from me anymore after only a small taste. This up and down rollar coaster is too stressful, and my ability to try to see the good in every bad situation is going to fade eventually if I get any more jadded and disappointed.

Currently listening : 200 Km/H in the Wrong Lane By t.A.T.u. Release date: 2002-12-10

8:51 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Green Acres here I come
Current mood: bored

You know I never saw myself as the type who would want to settle down, make a family and a home. I always saw myself as the globe trotter, fliting from one place to another, always on the move. I guess that's because that's how I grew up, in the back seat of a car, driving across country several times a year, always seeing new things and new places. It always excited me whenever we'd start packing for our next adventure. And there are so many place I want to see that I'll probably never get to.

I swear I must be a walking contridiction, because most of the time I just want to lock myself in my room, sit on my computer and be left alone. But then there is another part of me that wants to take a sabaticle to Africa and help out at an animal preserve.

For the longest time I wanted to major in Marine Biology so that I could travel and take care of animals, but I also had the undeniable part of me that screamed about wanting to do something involving art. Now how the heck am I supposed to choose? Funny thing is finding out that I had to pass Trig sorta decided it for me. I could barely get past Algebra, I don't even want to think about Trig!

But I'm not saying that going for a degree in art is any less thrilling for me. I'm looking forward to starting my own printing and photo restoration business from the comfort of home. It's just such a different track from where I thought I was heading. And still there is a part of me that longs to be back in the Florida Keys at the Dolphin Research center.

There's a part of me that is still trying to grasp at the fraying ends of that dream. If you know me at all, you know how happy I am around animals, even after the worse day they can make me smile. It's like some sort of intense therapy for me to go over to my friend's house and play with all her dogs. Some people would be overwhelmed having a dozen dogs running at them, barking, licking, jumping in their lap and yet I find myself grinning and laughing like a loon. I absolutely LOVE IT!

This is probably why although I grew up in the city, I think I'll be okay living in the country. I'm okay being a home-body as long as I have something to keep me occupied. And it doesn't have to be anything major, working on a project around the house or working on my computer makes me happy. And there are enough animals around to keep me smiling. Granted I'm allergic to the horses and the cats, but it doesn't mean I love them any less than the other creatures. So I have to take some allergy medicine everyday, at least there's that to help me.

And who knows maybe I can find a way still to incorporate my love for animals with my love of art/computer graphics. I've been tempted to look into trying to make some sort of animals preserve if I find there is a need for something like that; or maybe volunteering for one. But no matter what I wind up doing, I am determined to make it work. People keep warning me how hard it's going to be, that I probably won't be able to hack it. And I know I've made a very bad start at it, I didn't listen to those who tried to warn me, but I never do. I always take the path of most resistance, the one that will dump me on my ass several times, but I will not give up, I will not go back, and I may have to start over several times, but I will get through it and I will stand at the end, wave my flag in everyone's face and smile as they gawk in surprise.

I have always been like that though, everytime I have a major project in front of me I always do it the hard way, I always do more than is necessary and somehow or another I always get it done in the end. As much as I hate pressure, deadlines and insurmountable tasks, the stress from it all seems to bring out my dormant tenacity and stubborness. Don't ever tell me I can't accomplish something, because I'll break myself in half trying to prove you wrong.

So many people call me lazy, from my own dad to people I hardly even know. But they only say that because they haven't seen me working on something. It's true I like to be able to sit around and do just about nothing, read a book all day long, play computer games, sleep. I avoid, procrastinate, and generally put off all those tasks I think are boring, such as laundry, dishes, phone calls, etc. But it doesn't mean those things won't get done, they will, but not until I feel like it. Other projects however, like something for school or work will get my undivided, complete, unwavering concentration and devotion. I may have to stay up until dawn the next day, but I will not stop until it's finished. And if anyone needs proof of this, just ask my co-workers/bosses, or any of my teachers. Heck, my own mother knows this about me. So many times over the years has she seen me bent over a project, working feverishly until I can't even see straight, growling at anyone who dares to interrupt me.

But when something is that important to me then it doesn't matter how trivial the task may be I will not be stopped from completing it. There have been a few art projects that I've been given to do, the directions rather vague and ambiguous, and somehow I always do it in a way nobody else does. I also manage to exasperate my mom in the process when she sees what I'm doing because I'm spending too much time and energy doing it the supposedly "wrong way". But my answer is always the same, "it's my way and it'll get done, so what's the problem?"

7:38 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Bleach is my best friend!
Current mood: amused

Okay, so last night...not such a good night, obviously for those of you who read my blog and responded to it. Thank you for that, by the way. Shows me that some of you out there actually care about me. Either that or you were so bored it at least entertained you for a few minutes, lol.

In any case, I'm much better today. I've reconciled myself to the fact that I live with barbarians and I'm OCD so ya, I'm gonna freak seeing the house in anything other than what I consider clean and orderly living conditions. The rent is getting paid, so really that's all I care about. It's not my mess, so I'm not going to clean it up, and since I usually lock myself up in my room I'm not even going to be in the living room. If they want to live in that mess than let them. I will only bitch if we get ants and mice/rats.

To make myself feel better I went out and spent more of nana's money on stuff for the house. I bought myself the cutest 4-cup coffee pot maker today, and I'm going to put that in my room so I don't have to worry about it becoming communal property, since it seems nobody cleans up after themselves. I don't do well with congeling coffee or food on my things.

Then I went out and bought a 6x6 white, metal storage unit for my clothes, since the metal shelves in my closet decided to collapse on me the other day. That was interesting trying to put together. It looked like someone had really tried to make it easy to assemble, no screws or screwdrivers needed, it was sorta like putting a defective erector set together, lol. I swear you needed to be Hercules just to get the shelves into the plastic holders, but with much grunting, groaning and pushing I managed to force it into some semblance of stable cubes. I'm likely to laugh hysterically and then burst into tears if it falls apart on me tonight.

I also purchased enough toilet bowl cleaner to drown a horse. And with some colorful swearing I got the 2000 flush blue cubes into the toilet tank after accidently inhaling it as I cut the tops off the packages. I'm not sure exactly what those things are made out of but I'm pretty sure that my lungs did not appreciate being coated with it, lol. In any case, my toilet is very clean right now and tomorrow I will attempt to scrub the other two toilets as well. After that tho, it's up to the renters to decide if they want to continue to keep it clean or not.

I've realized I'm going to have to really pay attention or I'm going to be taken advantage of while I'm here. It's easy to fall into the trap of letting others mooch off of you little by little. It starts with, "Do you have an extra roll of toilet paper, I'm totally out." Then escalates to, "Well, I'm running short this month with the rent, I promise I'll pay you back next time I get paid..." Yeah that's not gonna fly with me! Now I'm not saying this is actually happening or naming any names, but with roomies I know this stuff happens. Everyone has to be responsible for their own things, and if you have to decide between rent or groceries one month, well then you'd better learn how to manage your money.

Hehe, I made my mom laugh while I was talking to her today, telling her all these things I wasn't willing to do for my roomies and rules I think need to be in place. For some reason she thought I hadn't listened to all her advice these 24 years. And listening to me whine about how messy everything was, she laughed and said "Yeah, you're my daughter all right!" I just grinned, cause I know I'm not as OCD as she is, but it's a close call anymore. There are just so many small things that seem to drive me absolutely crazy. For some reason I can't stand dirty countertops or clutter on the coutertops. I hate open cupboard doors and lights on in rooms that nobody is in. And if you've used my utensils and plates and they're sitting in the sink covered in food, I'm libal to throw them at you. It's like, "Were you raised in a barn? Do you know what a sponge and soap is for? If not, I'll introduce you." It's amazing the brain power some people can have but they lack the ability to carry out such simple tasks. Sure they can do brain surgery or create rocket fuel, but can they take a dirty plate from the sink, to the drain board, to the cupboard...no. I guess some of us need to repeat home ec. My teacher would have gone mental if I had left the kitchen in such disrepair.

Currently listening : Nickleback:Live at Home Release date: 2002-12-03

9:03 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Objective: Failed
Current mood: bullied

Ug, I feel so out of it right now. Out of everything really. Everything is going on around me but I'm just sort of standing there watching it, unable to affect anything.

I could try and join in I suppose, but I keep stopping myself. I really hate attention of any kind, it always makes me feel so inferior and I'm constantly checking myself to make sure there aren't any visible flaws for others to see. I just want to get as far away as possible, I swear any moment someone is going to barge in and drag me out of here to socialize. But I'm sitting here in my sweat pants & t-shirt, haven't showered yet today and no make up on. I feel like such a slob right now.

I've been over run, over thrown and am now a by-stander watching from the side lines. This isn't what I had planned in the beginning, it was different, it was better. Now my control over the situation is gone completely, they don't even think of me or what I want or my opinion in the matter. And now I'm getting mad as I sit here listening to them make arrangements and plans and they haven't even thought about whether or not I may approve.

I guess it's pointless though, nobody ever thinks about me or what I may care about. I may as well lay down and go to sleep because it's all going to happen anyway and nothing I say is going to make any difference. If I go out there and protest and set limits and guidelines then I'll be seen as the bad person, making things difficult for everyone. Then they'll try to take me around to their way of thinking and I'll wind up feeling bad for making them upset. I always wind up giving in eventually anyhow.

Is it so bad to want things a certain way though, especially when you've been dreaming about it for so long, hoping that one day you could carry out your dream? Instead now it's being thrown right out the window, I can't hold onto anything anymore, it's all slipping through my fingers.

This was a bad idea, I see that now. My original plan was good and solid, no problems and everything was perfect, now though they're taking over my plan and rearranging everything to suit them.

But that's how it goes in my life, I live my life around everyone else. I am here only to cater and submit to those in my life, to make their lives easier and better. Mine has no actual point other than that. I am not to have any personal goals, hopes, dreams or asperations.

And if I do, then someone comes along to look at me, pat me on the head and say "You silly, naive little girl. You don't know what you want. What were you thinking? You have no purpose other than the one we give you. You have no choices, only those we make for you. You have no wants, other than to make us happy. And you want nothing more in this life than to serve us."

And I can run from this, because almost everyone I meet thinks this way as well. It doesn't matter how smart I get, what I learn, what I think I know, because in the end they always know better than me. Even if I protest and tell them that's a bad idea, that they shouldn't do it, they smile, shake their heads and tell me to mind my own business. I shouldn't be seen or heard, only exisist on the fringes so that I can do as others bid. And most of the time I'm too incompetant to do even that right.

I truly fail as a human being.

7:24 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

These masks we wear...
Current mood: indescribable

Life is one big continual slap in the face. No matter what I do anymore I can't seem to get ahead. One step forward, two steps back, as they say. Pretty soon I'll be so far from where I started I'll be lapping myself backwards.

And it doesn't get any easier to deal with either. It only seems to get harder, like everytime I get broken down the pieces are smaller and more difficult to put back together, and I'm running out of glue.

Everytime it comes from out of the blue too, like today was a pretty good day. I was feeling tired but accomplished when I got home. But one phone call and everything fell apart again. I keep trying to tell myself that it's never going to change and that I might as well expect it, but so then why the hell does it still hurt so damn bad after all this time?!

I'm 24 and I'm fucking sitting here crying like a baby over something that I've been dealing with since I was 11. I seriously don't know how anyone else can deal with this for so long without jumping off the nearest and highest over pass during rush hour traffic.

Heh, maybe I should just drown my sorrows like she does...seems to work for her afterall. God, I feel so pathetic. This is so fucked up and I can't do anything to fix it or make it go away. Instead I'm stuck in this hell hole, doomed to repeat this heart rending episode of mother-daughter drama for all eternity.

What I would give just to make it stop. If this is supposed to be some major life lesson, well guess what, I've got the freakin' point already! Talk about redundant! Numero uno reason why I was so opposed to having kids in the first place, because as my oh so supportive father says, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. And we wonder why Jackie has self-esteem issues...

I've got to be every therapists wet dream come true. If I ever have enough money to afford one, my therapist is going to need a therapist.

I'm not quite sure why I even bother to try anymore, certainly nobody rooting for me. Nope, my cheerleaders all left long ago and the stands on my side are completely empty. There aren't even any crickets. For so long I fought just to prove something to myself, to prove that I could make it without anyone. But it's lonely this way, and I'm tired of watching everyone go off together in pairs while I'm left alone.

The worst part is the fake love, when you get told by your own parents that they love you, and you know it's not really true. When you know your entire exisistance was a mistake and it's only brought problems to everyone who's involved. There isn't an insult worse than when your own father tells you that you never should have been born, because then he wouldn't be as unhappy as he is today.

I've spent my entire life trying to make him and my mom happy, so that they'd be proud of me. Instead he looks back at his life and all the times we've shared together and regrets them. And I can't even speak to my mom without falling apart because I can't even see the woman who raised me anymore through the alcohol that she's drowned herself in.

My nana told me that nothing I ever do in this world will ever mean anything, that all my accomplishments will be pointless if I don't open myself to God and Christ. But how can I put my faith in something that I don't know I believe in? I've never seen any proof in my life of his work, he sure as hell isn't helping me any. The only one who can do anything for me in this life, is me. I refuse to live in a deluded religious fog, down on my knees every day for the rest of my life hoping someone will come and save me.

So ya, I'll cry myself to sleep tonight, remembering how my drunk mother told me she loves me and misses me and just wants to hold me. While my father sleeps upstairs and silently wishes I'd never plauged his life with mine. And my nana tries to give it all up to God so that she doesn't have to face reality or deal with it herself. And tomorrow I'll wake up, listen to my father rant about how I'm lazy, useless, incompentent and I'll plaster a big ass smile on my face and try to get through another day.

7:17 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Of plot bunnies & muses
Current mood: rejuvenated

It's funny after all this time spent trying to make others happy, I had completely forgotten how to make myself happy. And that doesn't take a lot, I have a few vices that continually make me smile and laugh. Yes, that's right I laugh out loud even by myself and I certainly don't feel bad about that.

I had the itch to write the other day and suddenly realized as my fingers were flying across the keyboard how absolutely enthralled I was. I had been staring at the screen for hours as I filled page after page and was smiling the whole time. Granted it was slightly evil as I kept ending my chapters leaving the reader going "What the hell? What happens next?!"

But if you can't do that then it's not very likely that your readers are going to want to come back for the next chapter. And I had barely even posted the first insallment when I had someone comment on it demanding the next one and four other people who had saved it to their favorites.

The best thing about writing is that I can post them completely anonomously under my old s/n and nobody has a clue as to who I really am. Most don't even care to know, either. And as a rabid fangirl myself, I know how eager my readers are to get a decent plot for once. I won't say I'm the best writer out there by any means, I would never actually dream of writing a book to publish it to the general audience. But this is for fun, being able to pair up couples who normal society would balk at and then throw them into any sort of situation my crazy imagination can come up with. I can do anything from sweet, cuddly fluff to the most hard-core stuff and someone out there is going to eat it up as fast as I can type it.

It's definetly an ego boost for me, I'll freely admit that. And it lets me get out any random thoughts I might have. Sometimes it's nice to be able to forget your worries for awhile while diving head-first into another world. Some of you I know have seen a few things that I have written in the past...gotta say those look pretty pathetic now, lol. My writing style has greatly improved I think, my spelling and grammar are certainly better than most, as I live by spell-check and my ever present dictionary/thesaurus.

Anywho, I know how I get when my writing muse comes up and bites me in the butt. I tend to kinda hole up for awhile and dissappear from the face of the earth. But you just can't ignore artistic inspiration when it comes, because it's so fickle that it may not come back the next time you really want it to. So if you need me or wonder why I haven't been in contact, I'm here, behind my keyboard, nose deep in plot bunnies. ;-)

Currently listening : Gutterflower By The Goo Goo Dolls Release date: 2002-04-09

3:21 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Walking...
Current mood: hopeful

You're different than you were before and yet all the same you're still the you I knew back then.
And I find myself lost in conversation walking along with you and I don't even care where I'm going as long as it's with you.
My feet never falter as you smile down at me and I hear that beautful laugh of yours; God I want to hear it again.
Music to my ears as your smile lifts my spirit and makes it all worth it.
To think I've been without this for so long seems cruel and unfair.
But now I know what drew me to you in the first place.
An angel among men, heaven sent to grace me with your presence.
You know me like no one else and I want to know everything about you.
It seems to come so easy to us, we can talk about anything and nothing seems hard with you around.
Every day I want to spend with you, I never want to leave your side, so keep talking to me, because I'll keep walking as long as you do.

Currently listening : Ocean Avenue By Yellowcard Release date: 2003-07-22

1:37 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Missing...
Current mood: lonely

Life is so fleeting, we're only here for a short amount of time and so much of that we spend looking back instead of forward. Constantly worrying over regrets from the past that we can never change. Even knowing this though and that we should be grabbing everything life has to offer with both hands, I find that I'm terrified to even try. I want to, I want to do things that I know people would think are totally crazy. I want to say things, maybe not completely appropriate, but necessary all the same. And I don't want to worry over the consequences.

I'm not a bad person, by any stretch of the imagination, so why is it that my decisions in this life should be so monitered by others and then approved or denied for me? What if the decision I want to make, although someone thinks is bad, may be the one thing that makes my life on this world a little better? Who are they to tell me no? And why is it that I seek their approval anyway? I'm 24 yrs old, and in the grand sceme of things it's a terribly short amount of time, I could very well walk out the door tomorrow and get hit by a car and die. So in a world full of hate, prejudice, greed, corruption and death who could truly blame me for wanting whatever scrap of love that I could find?

I get told I have my whole life ahead of me, that I need to concentrate on school and let everything else wait. But for almost all of those 24 yrs all I've known is school, maybe I want something different, something new. For some reason lately I've felt as though my internal clock is ticking down. Maybe it was the 2 weeks I spent standing over my grandma's death bed and the 3 months before that watching as a loved one's grandma slowly withered away. I feel as though I want to fast forward things a little now, I want to live, to experience everything I haven't yet. There's something missing, something I need to make myself whole again, I've lost something I never knew I needed or even wanted.

There are so many things I want to say, and even when I'm in the perfect situation to say them, I can't seem to get my mouth to open. I think part of it is that I'm not completely sure that what I'm about to say is the truth. And I'd hate to say somethng false and find out later that I didn't mean it. So I stay silent and quietly watch as what I want to grab with both hands walks away without a clue as to what's going on in my head.

I've done so much thinking about what I really want lately. Things keep changing and I'm struggling to keep up with them. I feel as though I owe it to myself to finally take hold of the reins of my life and try and get on a track that make me happy. I've got this picture in my head of what I want, what my ideal life would be like and I really want to try and make that happen.

Currently listening : Breathe By Michelle Branch Release date: 2003-12-12

11:21 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

When you see a deer...
Current mood: numb

The words keep running through my brain, they won't leave me alone, every waking second, tormenting my dreams. Wishing I could have said or done something different doesn't change anything and yet I still do. I know it's a waste of time to keep thinking about it, but I can't turn off my thoughts and every song on the radio just makes it so much worse. Our songs plays through a million times a day and I fall asleep with tears in my eyes.

Most of the time I'm left in a numb haze, but for the few moments that the pain comes through again it's so bad I can barely breathe. Tell me what is the point of going through all this? Why should I continue to suffer like this? For God's sake when will it end?

I'm told it's for the better, that I didn't really know what I was getting myself into and yet I went with open arms and an open heart. Too late I suppose, you closed yours off before I got a chance to show you how much you meant to me.

My words are worthless, I know that and yet they're all I have left at this point. You were my entire reason for waking up every morning and going to bed every night. I wanted nothing more than to be near you, just seeing you every day made me smile and made my heart soar with happiness. You say you're bad with words, and yet I can only tell you this, to pour my heart out in an email.

Nothing seems worth the effort anymore, there is no light at the end of this dark tunnel and I'm getting tired of walking. What is a life without love, without the joy you get sharing it with someone special? It's pointless, meaningless, a hollow exisistance that I don't want to live.

Pain is suppposed to fade with time, and yet this just seems to keep getting stronger. There is nothing to distract me from the emptiness nawing at my heart and soul, so slowly it is eating away at me and I fear it will not be long until it consumes me completely.

I fake this smile for those around me, but I can barely speak your name anymore without breaking down. I don't think I could take seeing you again, it would surely crush what strength I have left and leave me in pieces too small to put back together.

You took everything from me that day, my reason for living, my purpose on this earth, my entire future that we had planned out. There is nothing ahead of me anymore, my future is completely blank and it frightens me more than I can say. I have no direction, I don't know what to do anymore, I've never felt so lost before. I have no home anymore, no family, no friends. I've lost my entire life.

Currently listening : Time Well Wasted By Brad Paisley Release date: 2005-08-16

8:12 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Laughing stock of Tollhouse
Current mood: betrayed

You know text messaging on your phone can be a tricky thing when you're talking to more than one person. You really have to pay attention to who's number you're responding to before you send your message. Because it may just be that you say something that you don't want someone to know about and accidently send it to them. Like for expample I replied to a text from my latest ex, and he responded with a comment that clearly indicated he thought I was someone else. He was probably talking to his friend when I texted him and he didn't check the phone number before replying to him and I wound up with a message I wasn't supposed to get. So as if I wasn't hurt enough when he unceremoniously tossed me out on my ass for some bs reasons, he is now telling everyone about it and laughing at me behind my back.

8 years of friendship down the drain for a guy I thought I could spend the rest of my life with. I bent over backwards for him, left my entire family behind, lost all of my friends over him and still he stabs me in the back. I guess it's a good thing he moved so far away, because there aren't any girls I know of who are willing to put up with his sort of abuse.

I will admit I'm not a country girl, and frankly I think mountains are just plain boring. So call me a flat-lander if you will, I'll proudly bear the title. Because in this cut-throat world, you can't survive if you hide up in the mountains, trying to stay away from people. You have to get in there, fight for what you want, step on a few feet and not worry about running the slower, older ones down. This is how the world works people, wake up and smell the freaking Starbucks Cappacino's! It all revolves around money, hard earned money. Without it you might as well go live in a cardboard box in a shanty town in LA, because those who have it will take everything away from you.

I refuse to work at a minimum wage job for the rest of my life, I actually have goals and asperations for my life that equal up to more than turning monkey-wrenches and living in squallar forever. My brain is what is going to get me through life, and get me a decent 3 figure paycheck. I've worked hard for what I've got so far, I've scrimped and saved and busted my ass to get my degree.

So are you still laughing at me? Even though all those plans and promises you made me, saying you'd marry me and we'd have kids together and we'd work through any problems we had, all fell apart? You lied straight through your teeth to me and I bought every line. I really should have seen this coming at me like a Mac truck loaded down with 5 tons of C-4, but I never expected that kind of cruelty from you. And most likely you've told your family how horrible I was, you've turned me into some sort of monster in their eyes. I'll probably get some nasty email from your sister-in-law, bitching me out again for things I didn't even do. So if the best excuse you can come up with for breaking up with me is that I didn't help your mom with the dishes after dinner and I slept until 8am every morning, then you've really got some serious problems. You're dad is right after all, you're priorities are all fucked up!

Afterall, I didn't complain once about the lack of time you spent with me. Even though I only got to see and talk to you for about 15 minutes every night before we fell asleep. I never asked if we could go out on a date, to the movies or dinner, because I knew you had work to do and you were short on cash. I never bitched about having to clean up after you when you came home, I simply did your laundry eveytime you needed socks. Granted I did make you spend some money on a new vaccum cleaner and I did ask you several times if we could get the carpets washed. Yep, I must be a terrible girlfriend.

Most girls would be cursing you out at this point, but I'm just not like that. Because although you broke my heart, stomped mercilessly on my soul and made me nearly sick with grief over losing you I still wish you all the best in life. Not that you're going to get it. I've seen too much of how you live your life up there in the mountains in the last couple of months. You have no organization, no realistic views on life and no time management. Instead of trying to better yourself and enjoy life, you spend every waking moment breaking your back doing something you hate and then getting pissed off because you've got way too many things on your plate and you can't get them all done. Well really that's nobody's fault except your own. And unfortunately you took your anger out on me. You don't make enough to pay for the bills you have...really not my fault. Your mom has to pitch in and help pay them...again, not my fault. You spent the last 8 months working on your dad's truck instead of working on your property...still not my fault. So before you go blaming me for all the troubles in your life, you might want to seriously take a look and examine why you're so pissed off.  

Now for all of you who have taken the time to read this, I am happily accepting any emails, whether they be flaming with insults and critisisms or whatever. I will respond to them quickly to help clear up any missunderstandins that you might have over what has transpired between the two of us. Because you see his version of what happend and mine are quite different. Mostly because he wouldn't talk to me about what was bothering him and he let me go for weeks thinking everything was fine. Now however I know better, and am trying to pick up the pieces of my broken like and figure out a way to move on.

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