New Photos and A New Member
Current mood: adored

Ok, the day you have all long waited for is fast approaching.  The day that I am referencing is the day I post new pictures of us of course! And those will be the days following HauntCon*, so keep waiting.  BUT!  I have some very exciting news, we've got a new hire at Edge City to join the ranks!  JINX!  She's a very sexy candy striper who would rather you choke on your candy than her have to actually speak to you.  She's very...um.... well, I'll let you decide for yourself.  If you are lucky enough to be at HauntCon, you'll get to meet her in person.  This is her big debut and I suggest you give her a warm welcome, if you know what's good for you.  Not only that, but I'm now officially head nurse so I've gotten a raise and therefore new outfits!  I look forward to seeing many of you there and can't wait to scare the crap out of local haunters.  There's always one or two in the crowd with genuine clown phobias.  Nitwits.
Until then,

Love and Tickles,
SMACKLES

*www.hauntcon.com

3:45 PM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

HAUNTCON!! you’re welcome
Current mood: accomplished

Hello Kiddies!  How I've missed you all.  I've been far too busy watching television and running a-muck and I've been highly irresponsible in my neglect of all of you.  But you have my pseudo-promise that I'll kind-of not do this again, a lot, sort of.  You're all very welcome for my non-committal tendencies.  I digress, the real reason I wanted to address you all was to let you know HauntCon is right around the corner!!  It's your chance to check out the great Haunts of Houston, Texas in a relaxing environment, and best of all, you get to meet ME!!  You can come shake whatever you've got, or got left, with me on the dance floor on Saturday Night.  Enough about me, I know, how can you fathom, but seriously, HauntCon is a great time, and a time you get to go to GREAT haunts Off season without the waiting in line and without the whiney highschoolers who can't take it!  You need to reserve your spot now, www.HauntCon.com.   GO GO GO!!!

You are dismissed.

9:33 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

In response to the holiday
Current mood: catalyzed

Well, as many of you know, those of us clowns here at Edge City Entertainment are very loyal to a certain time of year, and it has come to my attention that there are those of you out there who are being led astray by a certain, non-Halloween, character.  You may know him by another name but I'm here to educate you about the Christmas Clown. 

One of my younger fans, which, by the way I don't recommend being too young AND my fan, it's not good for you.  Go and tell your parents on me so they can stop you from reading any more of the crap I put out on the internets.  I digress, as I was saying, one of my younger fans wrote in asking if there was snow here, and about my holiday plans and I realized this young person had no idea what fate has in store for the tike.  It's terrifying really, and not in a good way. 

More like when your large, cat-lady, aunt comes over smelling of moth-balls and cough drops and INSISTS on you sitting right next to her at a dinner because she loves you so much that she secretly hates you because her barren womb would not produce one of you and she just wants to steal you in your sleep and take you away to her cat-sanctuary and braid your hair all day. 

That kind of terrifying. 

Either way, here's the response and I'll be more than happy to further elaborate.

Dear Girl,

No snow, that's part of being in Texas.  Best of luck to you and your endeavors in festivities; just be sure to stay the hell away from the Christmas Clown that does B & E's this time of year.  Light a fire in your chimney every night and you should be fine.  I just can't believe that guy!  The nerve, he gets all big and fat and then thinks he can just go around prancing about on people's houses!  Ridiculous! Even putting up your stinky, used socks doesn't help ward him off!  He just puts crap in them so you can't even wear them and then, they don't dry properly.  Not to mention how he just eats whatever you leave lying around the house for your roommates!  Whatever!  Just be careful, he likes red, and runs around with LP's.  He makes them wear all sorts of weird stuff.  Just stay away from him, ESPECIALLY if he wants you to sit on his lap.  Pervert.

Love and Tickles,
SMACKLES

I didn't want to have to explain to this young person, our future hope, why she shouldn't sit on strangers laps because I would hope she has an adult somewhere who has already explained to her why that is not a good idea.  But I can tell the rest of you, the thieving bastard will take your wallet!  And feel you up, but who didn't see that coming? 

I'm serious, this guy's whacked out!  He's done this for years, he gets all hopped up on cat tranquilizers and starts telling people he can fly, and then he hooks up poor defenseless woodland creatures to the front of his helicopter and goes around committing B & E's!  He hasn't been caught because he's brain-washed other clowns into playing copy-cat roles, and it happens so often and in so many different jurisdictions that the police can't catch him before he strikes again!  Besides, if you have looked around at some of the Po-Po lately, some of them look like they might be in on the deal, they'd fill out the suit nicely.  I'm just sayin'.  So if you see a guy dressed up as the ever illusive Christmas Clown, stop him, or her, because there are some amazing bull-dikes out there….. and tell them, tell them they are wrong.  Tell them while Breaking into and Entering residences and orphanages, and committing petty pocket picking theft may seem like a good idea, that they are better off just going home and drinking alone like they do every other time of year.  The only way we can stop the Christmas Clown is through education and perseverance.  

Remember, keep your chimneys lit your doors locked, and have yourself a Scary little Christmas now!!!

2:24 PM - 12 Comments - 17 Kudos - Add Comment

The Latest Obsession
Current mood: groggy

Well, my faithful and fearless followers, I suppose I should start off this one by apologizing for being so long absent. 

I should, but I won't.

Ok, now that that's taken care of, on to what's new.  Apparently, I should watch what I send to the Boy's because Krank's latest obsession seems to be Cute With Chris.  Who knew, I figured of all people it might be Glitch or Chubbs that went ga-ga over the fuzzy kitties but nope, to my, and everyone else's apparent shock, Krank's obsessed. 

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, Cute With Chris is a show about puppies and kitties, that's actually pretty darn funny.  You can check his videos out at Rever or YouTube, but the easiest ways to see them are on CutewithChris.com.  Go check that out now, so you'll understand the rest of this blog.  Go.  Go on, we'll wait.

>>> Selfish, uneducated clod.  Holding up progress for everybody else because he can't go surf the internet religiously like a good Myspacer, it's just sad.   Is he done yet? 

FINALLY!  Took you long enough, you were just supposed to watch one to get the idea not 17!  Whatever, glad you hit the back button and finally decided to join us.

So Krank.  Right.  I sent the Boy's a link because I thought the Cute With Chris show was amusing.  Big mistake, now every Monday, I have to listen to Krank go on and on about this week's episode.  He's now apparently one of the 4.39 million viewers a minute that watch the show.  Way to go Chris, your eye-candy, cute kitty crack has made a kitty-crack whore out of Krank.  oooOOooo, look at the alliteration on that one!

He's obsessed, I think it's the "All your dreams are dead," part.  If I remember correctly that's what his mom used to sing to him as a child, maybe it's an emotional connection.  Repressed childhood memories, I haven't a clue.  I tell you, I'm stunned.  The usually surly, drunk, and under-bathed Krank just becomes mush over cute kitties.  Who knew? 

He's also insistent on getting on the show himself.  I keep telling him to not loiter around other people's studios but he just doesn't listen.  So who knows who will pop up on the show.  In the mean time, if you have cute photos of your kitty, especially you Lisa, I want to see Mittens myself.  Then send them to Krank or me.  But honestly, Krank's more interested, so send him kitties.  NOW!

Now, it's time for all of you, to tell me what you thought about Cute With Chris.

7:40 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Update!!
Current mood: content

To get you caught up if you missed Friday's post, read below:

I'm BAAAAA-AAAACK!!

I am very annoyed by the sexual requests.  If you think you're cute or funny by asking if I'm bi-sexual when it plainly states "straight" on my profile, you're not and an idiot.  You're lucky to even be speaking to me!  If you're not even going to try to be coy, I'm going to verbally assault you in such a way that your already small penis will shrivel further!

So here's your answer to the same inane question.  I'm keeping it short this time, but you'll soon see why.

Original Message:

From one "MC Lightning Rod":

spank me momma!

Reply:

Dear MC Rod-less,

You should be so lucky, you douche bag.  Who the hell sends that kind of worthless garbage to someone they don't know?  Good luck in your search for Herpes buddy, because you're a hoe, and today is not my day to deal with hoes. 

Love and Tickles,
SMACKLES

>> Write at your own risk, douches, because I'm not sugarcoating it for you anymore.  I no longer have the time for repeated incidences of insolence by insipid individuals!  You're all very welcome for the alliteration there. 

Well, apparently Mr. MC Rod didn't get enough public humiliation the first time around.  Some people just don't know when to quit, it's really quite sad.  Here you go kiddies..........

Reply to original reply:

 From Mr. Mc Moron:

Are you an idiot?With the way you look!!shit you got to be the  one with hepes. i just tryed to make you feel good.you skank bitch.so much for trying to be nice.go to hell.

<< He was better off sticking with one-liners!  Oh, and oooOOO, call the doctor, I have a rare unknown disease called hepes, apparently.  What a nitwhit.

My Reply:

Dear Mr. Whiney-pants,

For starters, did it ever occur to you that I don't need a self-esteem boost from you?  And who is the idiot here, really?  You cannot capitalize or properly punctuate any of your thoughts, and you can't even spell herpes correctly when it had already been spelled FOR you.  Also, being nice is sending a compliment, not making a lewd and selfish request.  Once you learn that, you might actually be able to avoid going home A-L-O-N-E.

Love and Tickles,

SMACKLES

Post Scriptum:  Don't bring a knife to a gunfight, darling, it just makes you sad.

I'm much happier with the results on this one.  The first reply I feel I was a little too angry, but I regained my composure and I think this time I might have taught him something.... hahahaha.  Not likely!

6:21 AM - 17 Comments - 27 Kudos - Add Comment

I’m BAAAAA-AAAACK!!

I am very annoyed by the sexual requests.  If you think you're cute or funny by asking if I'm bi-sexual when it plainly states "straight" on my profile, you're not and an idiot.  You're lucky to even be speaking to me!  If you're not even going to try to be coy, I'm going to verbally assault you in such a way that your already small penis will shrivel further!

So here's your answer to the same inane question.  I'm keeping it short this time, but you'll soon see why.

Original Message:

From one "MC Lightning Rod":

spank me momma!

Reply:

Dear MC Rod-less,

You should be so lucky, you douche bag.  Who the hell sends that kind of worthless garbage to someone they don't know?  Good luck in your search for Herpes buddy, because you're a hoe, and today is not my day to deal with hoes. 

Love and Tickles,
SMACKLES

>> Write at your own risk, douches, because I'm not sugarcoating it for you anymore.  I no longer have the time for repeated incidences of insolence by insipid individuals!  You're all very welcome for the alliteration there. 

2:35 PM - 14 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

Irritatingly Simple
Current mood: cold

Happy Halloween for starters, I know it's a few days away, but I would be amiss if I did not address the subject ahead of time. That being said, on with the show.

So having fun at other's expense is only so funny when the others don't know their limits.  Having the mental capacity of a peanut does not make you eligible to speak with me.  So what happened now, you ask? 

Allow me to tell you.

I do enjoy public appearances and I especially enjoy unwanted and unannounced ones.  So I go strolling up to the same haunt on Ferguson here in Tyler, Texas that the boys down at Edge City have been loitering around, to drum up a little "BOOTH AWARENESS" if you will for the paintball exhibition, and I get the usual crowd of fools gaping in awe at my beauty.  If you were lucky enough to witness this, you are welcome.  So I was obliged to greet exiters of the aforementioned haunt as they ran screaming from some a-hole with a bladeless chainsaw....

Let me pause for a moment here, all of you who are afraid of people with bladeless chainsaws, I am mocking you right now.  NINNIES!!    It is neither brutal, nor metal, to go running out into a parking lot holding your pants up and screaming like a 5th grader who's just had the period talk.  You ladies out there know what I mean.  You men out there were at recess that day, and you have no clue, and I'm not going to take the time to explain it to you, go ask your mother.  Long story short, your cool points are in the negative when you do this and we are all laughing at you.  You're welcome.

So I'm out there trying to save people from the aforementioned fate riddled with utter ridiculousness, and also trying to explain to these same "shee-ple" (BAAH) that it's just a guy with a bladeless chainsaw!  SERIOUSLY!  As I'm doing this some nitwit comes up and has the GAUL to put his arm around me!  Ewww!  Stinky isn't scary, hunny, and GQ is not missing a cover model, STEP OFF!  His response, "But you're beautiful..."  my response, "No, Shit!!  Tell me something I DON'T know!  You WILL NOT touch me, this is 200 pounds of glorious, and I will NOT tolerate your bullshit!"  What a douche bag!  And the guy just looked at me like he'd never been told to piss off before in his life.  Just SHOCKED that he had been turned down, like he was King freakin' Midas!  And when he took his arm off me, I pealed the shock off his face by getting within 2 inches of it and giving him a nice loud growl.  He finally got the hint, walking way, perplexed and with wounded pride.  That's what you get, presumptuous little fuck. 

Let me get something straight, I don't mind if you want to hug me, I'm irresistible, I get that, but you should have the self-respect to ask.  If you don't, I'm not liable for what happens to you or your little ego.  Show some class and just ask.

Another example, stop me if you've heard this one.  Well, try and stop me, see how far THAT gets ya.

Anyway, I'm not sure how many of you are currently, or have to deal with, 14 year old girls, but seriously, some of them/you are some rude little bitches.  And many of you know what happens when you're rude to me.  Oh yes, I will call you out on it so fast you'll regret having had eyes to roll in the first place!  There were so many unimpressed, and rude little morons out there thinking they were cooler than a 6 foot tall, 200 pound clown with a pipe in her hand and orange hair, that I about incurred assault charges.  Oh no, I will not be ignored, and I'll get you the second time around.  One little boy (16) walked right passed me as I was talking to him and my response was as follows:  "OOOOOOOO, you're RUDE aren't you?"  Well, he about shit himself; he turned the fuck around and listened.  As he should have done in the first place!  Oh, and grown women aren't immune either.  The woman was 45 and looked she was about take my head off when I called her rude, but she stood there and listened to what the hell I had to say!  If your mother didn't teach you any manners, you can bet your ass you'll learn them really quickly in my presence.   (I offer parental guidance as well.)

So the beginning and end of this is mostly, stop being douche bags in public, save that for home.  If you do have the nerve to be a douche in public, stick with it when called out.

Until then, happy haunting!

9:00 AM - 13 Comments - 21 Kudos - Add Comment

The clowns will understand this
Current mood: annoyed

Oh when WILL the douchebaggery cease?!  So many of you in the haunt industry are well aware of the benefit of line entertainment.  It's important, is it not?  You're nodding in agreement tells me that, as usual, I am correct.  So, if you had, say, oh, I don't know, Krank, come strolling up your walk, more than happy to lend a helping hand, would you turn him away?  I think not, ESPECIALLY if it's free!! 

But they say, "Nay, Nay!"   Yes, kiddies, the hostess running the line at the haunt he visited tonight, actually turned our very own Krank-y poo, away!   CAN YOU BELIEVE?!  Ask Ricky, owner of Castle Blood, and ANY of the top 5 haunts in the nation, about line entertainment and see what they tell you.  It's important.  In fact, you get good ones, and good repeats and your haunt can suck balls and still people will show up just to see your guys out front.  Hell, look at Heckles and Twitch?!  They started out as entertainers at Fright Fest and look at those boys now!  No, I'm not comparing Krank or any body else to the Glory that is Heckles and Twitch, we are all very aware of how sensitive they are about that.  (Yes, boys I saw the video, we get the message.)  BUT I DIGRESS.  The point here is that line entertainment, and good line entertainment works.  And he was just trying to be helpful!  As we always are, whether it be scaring the be-geesus out of the small.....minded, or giving grammar tips, we do aim to please.  But no, the douchebaggery continues.  I'll keep you posted. 

In the mean time, go over to Krank's page and show him some love.  He's locked himself in his room with a case of Lonestar, a carton of cigarettes and feather duster; he could be in there for literally minutes!  (Until he has to go out for more smokes.)

Don't worry, the boys and I are undaunted and will happily appear throughout Tyler this month.... have fear, and lots of it.

8:30 AM - 12 Comments - 17 Kudos - Add Comment

Buenos Noches, Tardes, y Dias, Monstruos y Fantasmas

Holy Cow!  (And for some of you that's true.)

It's here, it's really here!  The most wonderful time, of the year!  So some of you caught me last night sneaking around the big Haunted House on Ferguson, here in Tyler, TX.  I would just like to say, here and now, that I am not, in any way, affiliated with this particular haunt, but rather the Zombigeddon post apocalyptic paintball booth out back, so if you didn't shoot zombies you will never regain the dignity you lost screaming like a little girl inside that haunt.  LOSER!

But I digress, I had a great deal of fun at some of the actors of said Haunts expense last night.  One of my personal favorite past-times this time of year, aside from my traditional popcorn ball making, is walking through the local haunts and performing a more difficult scare, I call it the reverse scare.  (Sorry, no bells and buzzers on that one, if you come up with a better name, you name it!)  Some of you in the haunt industry are familiar with this, and if you ever had a night off, or a slow one, (Heaven forbid!) and you wondered off to another haunt to wreak some havoc and you know exactly what I am talking about.  HOWEVER, for the rest of you, do not try this at home, it's dangerous, and people will hate you more than they already do for it.  Leave this to the professionals.

I was walking through the Haunt here in Tyler last night, and being familiar with haunted houses, (this one was rather predictable, still entertaining however!) I proceeded to entertain myself and some of the folks at Edge City that were with me by sneaking up on the actors that were in the actual haunt.  HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Now most of you who work Haunted Houses are either A) big fraidy-cats that can't walk through them so they busy themselves with one all month long so their friends can drag them through one, or B) (and this is most of you I'm hoping) people who are generally impervious to regular haunted house scares and got into acting in one because they knew they could do it better (good for you).  So the latter group is generally hard to scare and easier to piss off with the reverse scare tactic, either is ok by me! 

So last night.....

I started off by just walking through the first half congratulating the actors, "Great Job."  or "ooo, hey there, scary stuff, wanna date?"  But I grew tired of that, and, since this house is full of pure startle scares, I started jumping out at them.  OH THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES!!  I was actually assaulted by an 8 year old with a teddy bear!  GLORIOUS!!  I freaked out Freddy, and got a baffled look from Mr. Myers, (yeah, these guys are old school, but hey, if it works for ya....)  It's kind of funny to see what happens when a six foot tall, 200 pound gorgeous clown walks by your hidey hole and sticks her head in and screams at you for a change.  Like I said, DO NOT attempt this unless you are a trained professional haunter, and you have bigger boobs than me, or a smaller pecker.  There, that should eliminate quite a few!  HAHAHAHAHA!

Side note, a girl in the parking lot almost pissed her pants when I walked into the light.  I tried to explain to her that I wasn't inside the Haunt anywhere and that if she wanted to get away from me; she had to go inside, (DUH!).  Needless to say she never made it... let's hope for her parents' sake she at least made it to the bathroom.

If you're in East Texas this month, and would like and autographed.... uh... well anything, come on out 304 W. Ferguson in Tyler, TX on Fridays and Saturdays this month starting at 7pm.  Go around back to the paintball area, if I'm late, it's because I'm not done with my Cape Cod with Vanilla Vodka, and don't expect me to show up without one!  So just bide your time and shoot at some Zombies at the booth.  We'll see you there! 

And in the words of our beloved George A. Romero, (who I've met personally) STAY SCARED!!

6:54 AM - 9 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

Of Some Interest

So this one is a little different, admittedly, but I had to answer it in blog form because it was interesting to me, and I'm the one who matters here.
 

Original Message: