Off to Chi-Town

I have software training out in the suburbs of Chicago all next week.  So tomorrow, I'm heading down there a couple days early to do some sightseeing and playing.

Tomorrow night, I have a ticket to go see Wicked.  Yeah, it is the bourgeois mainstream theater choice, but the hotel where I'm staying is just a couple blocks from the theater where it's showing, so I figured, what the heck?

Saturday I am tentatively planning on hitting the Art Institute of Chicago and the Shedd Aquarium.  It looks like I will probably be joined by a new friend of mine from that other web site.  He lives about 90 minutes from Chicago.  We met a week and a half ago (his job takes him up to the Twin Cities a couple weeks every month).  I'm impressed that he was actually interested in doing the museum thing with me.  Most of the guys on that site are pretty much only interested in hanging out in the bedroom :-P

Anyway, our plan is to try to hit some nightlife on Saturday night - maybe some live music.  Anyone have any recommendations for a good restaurant or a fun blues bar?

I'm bringing my camera so maybe I'll have a photoblog for y'all later on.

Currently listening : Chicago By Various Artists Release date: 2003-01-14

2:52 PM - 32 Comments - 28 Kudos - Add Comment

Further proof that men think with their little head

I have a chat friend on the adult personals site who has posted a new profile, FerFucksSake. I noticed she was getting a LOT of attention in the chat room with her new handle. Then today, I was browsing "Who's Online Now" and saw the picture she's using for her new profile:

Aaaaah! That explained the attention!

I had to laugh at her profile - the tag line is:
There's no depth to my shallowness

and the profile reads:

The philosophy I live by is always laugh at myself at least as much as I'm laughing at everyone else. On Sunday afternoons I sit in Adult FriendFinder chat and laugh at the others who are hung over from the meet and greet the night before. I like to eavesdrop and comment on other people's conversations. To me, traveling means stopping frequently to pee. In my free time I like to contemplate the meaning of toast. I'm not changing my life, I'm just trying to keep the dumbasses confused. If you contact me remember that emails with a naked photo will most likely be laughed at and shared with my friends for them to do the same. I look forward to seeing how many people take this profile seriously enough to respond to it.

She told me that approximately 2/3 of the emails FFS receives appear to be seriously pursuing the wench, and she wondered whether they are really LOOKING at the picture, let alone the profile text?

I took a closer look at the picture. Oh my god! 

I'm eagerly looking forward to the next development, which undoubtedly will be one of my male chat friends posting a profile pic showing a man with two penises.

Currently listening : Motown Legends: Three Times a Lady By The Commodores Release date: 1993-11-29

9:59 AM - 30 Comments - 24 Kudos - Add Comment

Olympic Eye Candy

Oh my goodness gracious - forget about Tour de France bicyclists, forget about Michael Phelps - the man of the hour is Mr. Usain Bolt.

(I know - I'm a fickle bitch).

Tall (6'5") and muscular and lightning fast.

OK, he showboated during the final 20 meters tonight, and we conservative Midwesterners don't really approve of that kind of behavior.  But I guess if you can showboat and still manage to break a world record, you're entitled, eh?

Bonus eye candy for those of you who like to support U.S. athletes:  sprinter Walter Dix (center, below, shown with his U.S. teammates):

Walter presented quite the contrast in style to Usain Bolt.  First of all, I think he's only about 5'7".  Then there were his shades and cornrow braids that kind of made him look like he was channeling Rick James - hahaha!  And last night during the quarterfinals, he was wearing these arm warmers that made it look like he was wearing long evening gloves.

However, he's clearly a contendah for the eye candy crown.

After seeing Michael Phelps and Mark Spitz practically incur an arm injury from patting each other's backs last night, I am officially sick of Michael Phelps.  Althhough I suppose I'll have to tune in to the relay tonight to see if he gets 8.

6:27 PM - 17 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

Another Amusing Solicitation

Before I tell this story, I should explain a feature of the adult personals site I use.  Members can write a "testimonial" for another member, which then appears on that member's profile.  Now, most of us halfway rational people tend to realize that if we met someone who was so utterly fantastic, we sure wouldn't be advertising that fact on their profile just so someone else could snap him up!  So, amongst the halfway rational people, testimonials tend to come more from people who are in the "friend" zone, talking about how nice, sweet, and clever you are.

For example, here's one from a guy who I had lunch with a while back:

This smartass woman is, in fact, very smart. She is also very gracious and very beautiful. If you manage to capture her attention and meet her in person, you will smile at the thought after the fact. And there's nothing wrong with anyone that likes jalapeno..s...

So anyway, I got an email on the site a couple days ago from a guy who was...*sigh* I'm trying to think of a way to say this that won't make me look like a complete hypocrite, since it's not like *I* look like Michele Pfeiffer or Demi Moore or whatever...OK, let's just say he was average looking. And on the big side.

He said in his email, "Be sure to check out my testimonials."

So I did. There were three or four from just the last three months. Here's a sampling.

OMG!!! The times I have spent with [guy who wrote me] have been some of the best ever!This man has an incredible tongue and has an insatiable appetite for cunninglus and loves to go forever. I can honestly say he is the best at what he does and is totally uninhibited.

ladies if you get the chance to have this man pleasure you, DON'T PASS IT UP!!! He is a awesome lover with both his experienced tongue and hard cock, he didn't try and pressure me into getting naked immediately like most guys & was very laid back and took his time (no wham bam thank you ma'am, and out the door with this man) I never knew I was a squirter before he applied his talents to my pussy, but he knew just the right spots to massage and I was like old faithful GUSHING cum at his touch over and over, also I never knew I was so multi-orgasmic either before him, I lost track of how many time I came after 8, think he came 3 or 4 times in the six hours straight we played, I had to beg him to stop, and I do mean beg (something I have never had to do before I might add), his tongue was UNSTOPPABLE I think he could have easily went for another 6 hours, but my body was shaking and I was completely wore out. I literally had a hard time standing for quite sometime. OMG!!!

I had the privilege to meet this passionate, sexually talented man. He definitely has the right touch when it comes to making a woman squirt. I flooded his face, his mouth, his balls, his cock, and the bed! He knows just the right spots to touch, how and where to kiss, when to apply pressure or let up. I am multi-orgasmic and a squirter/gusher. I don't remember when the last time I came so many times or soaked everything in sight!

OMG!!!  Is it just me, or do these all sort of sound like they were written by the same person? I checked out the women's profiles and they seemed real (at least as far as one can determine that kind of thing).

Whaddya think? Do you think he really met all these women and knocked their sox off?

And lest you think that would have any influence on whether I would meet him - I already said no, because I find these kind of explicit testimonials vaguely distasteful. I mean, I don't really want to have an image in my head of the last three women someone was with and exactly what he did to/with them.

P.S. I posted a blog about this on that site, and so far reader feedback is that the guy had to have written the testimonials, because women don't write that way about sex...as one of my friends amusingly said,

Yeaaap....it DOES seem like they were all written by one person, and likely a male hand...seeing how it seems to reflecticate the point of view of how a MAN would approach the issue. ( The kind of details a male mind would be interested in hearing about, etc )

In my experience women tend to be able to say something like that in fewer words...and to be more...uhh...how do you say? Ahhh yesss...MYSTERIOUS and CLASSY...in their descripticals...

"I have to tell you ladies...when I first saw this man's pics...I wanted to hurl...but, give him a chance and you'll see how very charming and talented he is in the bedroom. A true lover and a gentleman. Wow."

Something like that seems a LITTLE more realistic...but I could be wrong!

11:49 AM - 35 Comments - 26 Kudos - Add Comment

The Massage Parlor is Open

In a sudden burst of uncharacteristic decisiveness, this week I finally ordered a massage table to replace the one that walked out my door four years ago. Actually, it was carried out my door, by my ex-b.f., who was leaving and moving in with his new hottie. At the time, in a bout of self pity, I said, "Fine, you take it".  I was operating under the assumption that I would probably never be in the situation of getting a man naked in my house again (plus, I wasn't real positive about the male half of the human race at that particular point in time, anyway).

I have to give one of my friends from the other site credit for the fact that I finally got off my ass and bought a replacement- she posted a blog a few days back rhapsodizing about the enjoyment that comes from giving someone a massage.

So, now I just need some willing victims...errrr...volunteers who would be OK with putting up with my somewhat rusty skills until I'm able to reconstruct the massage routine that I learned in a community ed class 18 years ago.

No...no...that routine did NOT include a happy ending.  Our instructor was very professional and was always discussing techniques for us to make sure that we didn't violate our massagees' boundaries.

These days, of course, I am much more flexible on that issue  *grin*

1:58 PM - 23 Comments - 20 Kudos - Add Comment

Miss Austen’s suitors - The Clever Ones

Greetings MissJane
 
 A wittier and more entertainingly written profile I will never again have the pleasure of reading. I tip my hat to you my dear for your wonderfully written prose.
 
 I must confess that you had me salivating at the thought of wickedly naughty rendezvouses with your good self for titillation in all it's guises both prosaic and in the flesh   but alas my ardour and resolve were diminshed by the implication of monetary transactions for services rendered!
 
 Farewell lady and oh, what might have been!
 
 

My Dear Miss Austen,
 
 I am indebted to Cupid for drawing your profile to my attention this evening. It is indeed a pleasure to discover a literary soul who expresses herself with such eloquence. Wireless correspondence will, I hope, convey letters between us with the utmost dispatch so that a beneficial friendship can flourish.
 
 Your journeys to Bath for the summer season will doubtless grant opportunities for acquaintance. Equally, I am accustomed to travel and fully prepared to visit the Shire counties once we have been introduced.
 
 As you may realise, the British Broadcasting Corporation chose to set Longbourn close at hand. It is readily combined with a walk through the countryside in genteel company. An agreeable countenance is reward in itself as we breathe deep of wholesome air bereft of city vapours. Perhaps too there will be an opportunity to promenade and kindle shared inner yearnings, whilst maintaining a respectful outward demeanour.
 
 Although it seems premature to think of autumn whilst summer blooms, rambles through the arboretum at Westonbirt are a source of much pleasure and would be heightened by the warmth of companionship and the flutter of a beating heart.
 
 With my fondest regards,
 
 Pete.

Miss Austen,
 
 As an ignorant cove who only possesses an 'O' Level in English Literature, pray allow me to compliment you on providing a profile of such high literary merit. If I may make so bold, I would venture that a profile of such quality has never graced the pages of this website before and that many a long day will pass before a similar such profile might appear, if ever, unless of course it was to be written by good yourself.
 
 I trust m'am, that you will forgive me this little indulgance and I respectfully remain your loyal servant,
 
 Glenn

Dearest Miss Austin
 
 A novelists lot is not one to be taken lightly, nor are those who choose such a solitary and introspective a career. I must admit to being a little naive in matters of Jane's career and works, being more widely read in Philosophical matters and male novelist's, such as Herman Hesse, who would be as good a candidate for young miss Austin as i could imagine.
 
 The Steppenwolf like existence you depict in your introduction barely does you service i am sure, and although social intercourse can be difficult for one whose predilections are of a sensitive kind, still it does you justice that you have taken the extraordinary step of stepping forth with vigour and no little humour into the world of carnal devise.
 
 No man or woman born, has not at some time or other, felt the reverberations of a sensate desire for human companionship or the need for the delicacy of sensual intimacy. It is a joy that fulfils our fundamental function as beings, and is as necessary as the breathe we partake in, or the food we require to energize our bodies so that they may function to allow our higher, more delicate sensibilities to perform in a satisfactory regard.
 
 Eros is no less a love, and the ecstatic union of sensual delight, titilates not only the body but the mind as well. For a writer or any artist it is a necessity which cannot be disregarded. Whether we rail against it, and in so doing, find that repressed sexuality erupts in our work in a sanguine and importune manner, or we embrace it, and find the perspectival energetics illuminate our prose and work as a gust of wind is want to do in a dank cave, it will not be ignored. So it is with glee that i remark upon the acceptance of your need and desire, and wish you every luck in finding that intimate other who might furnish you with such as is your want.
 
 As for myself, i too am a writer of sorts, and if a poet and a fellow artiste can offer you the succour you undoubtedly desire then allow me to offer my humble self as a vehicle for that satisfaction, so that mutual pleasure may be obtained for the benefit of both.
 
 Alas i am no Naval Officer, nor am i wealthy in pecuniary terms, yet i make my pledge without pride nor prejudice, and with good sense and sensibility.

 HH

After revealing the spoof to this last fellow, I actually exchanged a number of emails with him.  He sent me a very good poem.  He also asked for advice about the site, and his profile.  Sadly, when I logged on yesterday, I noted that he had removed his profile.   Before departing, he also left a lovely testimonial on Miss Austen's profile:

What a flower you offer unto the world, its petals pristine, unplucked, enfolding that stamens reach of which you guard so delicately. Each day drawing your silken webs in such poetic a fancy, that how can any man fail to be drawn to your tender heart. Only to unfold your petals each night, engorged with the moonlight of your soul, a testament of that angst from which we know not where it comes... such sweet perfume, it lingers on me still, brushed by each yielding petal of delight, until at last you fell away again my sweet, drawing yourself into elegiac bosom, the blossom of your true calling.

Fare the well my Sweet Dear Jane, and let not pride nor prejudice keep us from the want of our hearts.

forever yours

HH

*sigh*  I want to move to the U.K.!

8:41 AM - 5 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Obviously I have WAY too much time on my hands....

We were having a conversation on the blog of a friend of mine over on the adult personals site...about how it would be funny to try to write a sex site profile in the style of an author, or comedian, or celebrity.  So, she posted a blog calling for submissions.  Her idea was that you'd write a profile and post it in your blog, but I decided to go one step further and actually post a profile:

MissJaneAusten
There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well.

40 year old Woman in Chawton, Hampshire, United Kingdom
Looking For: Men for Intimate Relations

Profile for MissJaneAusten
The life of a writer can be quite solitary. Granted, most of the time I prefer this lack of society. The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense. Nevertheless, from time to time I find myself lonely and in need of satisfying certain baser needs which delicacy prevents me from naming specifically.

I have not that facility for flattering, and simpering, and making a man feel that he is the most intelligent, powerful and desirable creature I have ever met. Between that, my advancing age, and the complete lack of a dowry, I am realistic enough to know that marriage will not be my lot. Therefore, I seek what I have heard quaintly referred to as a "friend with benefits". In return for my occasional affections, you might perhaps provide occasional assistance with relieving the impecunious circumstances that have resulted from my family's modest means and my choice of career.

My interests include: reading (the person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid), blogging, needlework, playing the pianoforte, and long rambles through the woods and countryside. Autumn is my favorite time of year – it is not everyone who has my passion for dead leaves.

My Ideal Person:
Tall, dark, broodingly handsome. I do admire a military man, in particular a member of Her Majesty's Navy.

Scoundrels, those full of conceit, and bumbling fools will not be tolerated.

What types of sexual activities turn you on?:
Giving Oral Sex, Receiving Oral Sex, Role Playing, reading love poetry to each other

What kind of night life do you enjoy? Country dances and balls

How big of a role does sex play in your life?
It's a base and ugly desire, that, unfortunately must be satisfied from time to time.

What types of sex activities do you regularly enjoy?
Strolling arm in arm, holding hands, a chaste kiss on the cheek, bundling. Delicacy prevents me from describing any activities beyond those.

How much enjoyment do you get from receiving oral sex?
I adore a man who is adept with the spoken word.

What are your thoughts on anal sex?
!!!!

What's the largest number of people you've shared a sexual encounter with in one session?
I'm not telling

What types of sexual activities turn you on? Giving Oral Sex, Receiving Oral Sex, Role Playing, reading love poetry to each other

What types of sexual activities are OFF LIMITS to you?
Anal Sex, Sadomasochism, Toys (Vibrators/Dildos/etc.), Urolagnia (Water Sports/Urine), Rimming, Fetishes, Bondage, Candle Wax, Spanking, Threesomes, Slave/Master, Cross Dressing, Mutual Masturbation, Food Play, Making Home "Movies", Participating in Erotic Photography, Voyeurism, Handcuffs/Shackles, Breast/Nipple Torture, Clamps, etc., Blindfolds, Leather, Latex, Fisting, Pain, Coprophilia/Scat

What types of new sexual experiences would you like to explore?
Actual physical contact with a man.

Besides the obvious, what areas of your body do you consider erogenous zones?
Ears, Lips, Neck, Hands/Fingers, Mind (Intelligence)

Have you ever had erotic pictures or video taken of you?
I dabble in drawing from time to time

Do you enjoy talking dirty during sex?
I don't like it and won't do it.

Now, when I posted the profile, I assumed that there would be two reactions to it.  1)  Guys who didn't get it at all; and 2) Guys who 'got it' and would obviously realize it's a spoof.  What I didn't anticipate is that some men would get the reference to Jane Austen, but would think that this was a REAL woman looking for a hookup who was just being clever.

I got some adorable e-mails from men in the U.K. that made me feel terrible when I had to write them back and reveal that the profile was a joke and I live in Minnesota.  After some of those e-mails, I honestly believe men in the U.K. are cooler than men in the U.S.!

As a first step in trying to stop the nonsense, I moved her to Minnesota.  That simply resulted in getting another flood of emails, from Minnesota men in the categories of either uttlerly clueless; or clueless but trying to be nicey-nice in an attempt to appeal to this lady's delicate sensibilities.

Category 1:

Subject:  Hard COCK and skilled TOUNGE [sic] ready and willing

Body:  Let's chat.

(the gentleman also attached a picture of himself wearing paramilitary attire and holding a machine gun threateningly)

Category 2:

How are you tonight my dear? I must admit that your profile has given me pause. Very intriguing. Without having spoken to you I can already say that you are the most interesting woman that I have come across here.

Here are a couple of pictures of me. If you would like, we could chat sometime and get to know one another.

Have a great night,
T.

T. was actually a cute, 35 year old guy who had written to the real me a couple months ago (I had turned him down for being too young).  When I revealed the truth to him, he was a really good sport and said,

Well in my defense, I am very mature for my age. Albeit, a bit slow. LOL. I do love a good sense of humor. At least I can laugh at my self...although I get the impression that I may not be laughing alone.

Good one, Have a great night.

Which, of course, made me feel even MORE guilty about pulling legs.  So, in an attempt to not be fooling anyone (at least for more than a minute or so) I added this after the line about bumbling fools not being tolerated:

Speaking of which, I would suggest that you would well served to read this post and the comments upon it, before venturing to send me a serious solicitation. Calling all spoofwriters! 

(this was a link to my friend's blog where everyone posted the links to their blogs with the fake profiles).
I was also stunned that some guys were stupid enough to send dick pictures to this delicate flower of femininity, so I added this:
Also, please show enough common sense to realize that sending an explicit picture of yourself to a woman of my delicate sensibilities can only have the result of putting her into a state of extreme shock.

Sadly - despite a link that provided full disclosure - the clueless emails continue.  I have completely lost faith in most men's ability to let their big head do the talking instead of their little head:

Big Head:  Hm, I dunno she sounds a little strange, what with the passion for dead leaves.

Little Head:  Duuuuuude!  Shut UP!  She wants to indulge in her baser instincts!  Give her a try!

In future blogs:  more samples from the clever and the clueless.

5:12 PM - 10 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Tour de France log

Greetings all! Sorry for being MIA - but, of course, it is that time of year when I get mightily distracted by the Tour de France.  First, if you are a new reader, you might want to brush up with this blog from last year, which explains the different roles of riders in a bicycle stage race:

Bicycle Racing Explained

One of my favorite parts of the Tour is viewing the male EYE CANDY.  So, forthwith, here is a synopsis of (most) of the stages, from the perspective of an EYE CANDY seeker.

Stage 1

The Tour de France normally begins with a very short time trial, called the "prologue" stage. That was skipped this year. In another break with tradition, today's stage ended with a 2 kilometer climb that eliminated the possibility that there would be a mass field sprint at the finish.

Alejandro Valverde attacked in the final meters to take the stage.

2:50 PM - 13 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

AFD 2

A couple hours later, I woke up alone in the bed, with the smell of pancakes and coffee drifting in from the kitchen. I jumped in the shower and quickly cleaned up, even though it was tempting to linger. Throwing on a terrycloth robe, I wandered into the kitchen, toweling my hair. "Can I help with anything?"

You smiled at me and said, 'You're just in time – just relax at the table." I sat down, enjoyed the morning sunlight filtering through green leaves outside, and took a sip of orange juice. You came up behind me and caressed and rubbed my shoulders a bit. The next thing I knew, you were tying a scarf over my eyes. You bent down and spoke softly into my ear. "I had an idea for breakfast." Your voice was low, intimate, and teasing, and sent a little thrill through me. I nodded obediently.

I heard you pull up a chair next to me. "Open wiiiiide," you said coaxingly. I giggled and obediently opened my mouth. I felt a fork touch my tongue and took what was offered on it…mmm piping hot pancake drenched in maple syrup. Next came a juicy sweet strawberry that exploded with flavor in my mouth. Then a bite of fresh peach, with a little bit of cinnamon sprinkled on it. The sensual flavors were intensified by having my vision taken away. You continued feeding me for a while, and then I felt something near my mouth that wasn't a fork. It was smooth…rounded. I stuck my tongue out, tentatively, to explore, and smiled as my mouth recognized your beautiful cock. I noticed a bit of stickiness – was it pre-cum?

No – it was sweet. I laughed out loud as I realized it was maple syrup, and eagerly attacked you, licking you clean. I was rewarded by hearing your breath quicken. Now my hands, which had been quietly in my lap, reached out and yanked down your pajama pants. One hand went underneath to fondle your balls and caress the zone behind them. The other one grasped the base of your shaft. My tongue twirled around the head of your cock and flicked gently against the little ridge. You moaned a little and got even harder.

I felt a hand reach down and slip into the neckline of my robe. It quickly found my breast and started playing with my nipple, first gently teasing it to a point, then tweaking it more insistently. I felt a glowing core start to form below my belly button. I leaned forward and completely engulfed you in my mouth. Your other hand grabbed my damp hair, almost reflexively, in a firm grip. As my head moved up and down on you, you said, "oooooh god". I couldn't see you, but I was acutely aware of the pulse of your cock, the softness and warmth of your skin, the slight stickiness and sweetness of the remainders of syrup, the feel of your hands on me, the sound of your ragged breathing.

I removed my mouth and went lower to lick and suck your balls. Your cock was heavy and engorged against my face. I raised my head blindly and said quietly, "fuck my mouth". Now both of your hands entangled themselves in my hair, holding my head still as you entered my mouth and started thrusting. I was a passive receptacle to your hunger, yet not passive, for my tongue was flicking and bathing you as you moved in and out of my mouth. You sighed, "You're gonna make me come if you keep that up" and started to withdraw, wanting to save your orgasm for me. I said "yes" and moved forward to take you back in my mouth.

You surrendered to the moment of inevitability and started moving in and out again. I felt you tighten underneath my hand and the hot jets hitting the back of my mouth. I kept sucking and my mouth started to fill and it was seeping out around the edges – I concentrated and swallowed. You bent over, grabbing my shoulders and gasping, and I just held you in my mouth, quietly, as you caught your breath and came down. I ripped off the blindfold, looked up at your blissed out face, and said,
"Your turn for breakfast, darling."

9:38 PM - 23 Comments - 28 Kudos - Add Comment

Bootsy Collins, shame on you

The Minnesota Zoo has a concert series that goes on all summer long in a nice outdoor amphitheater. I had never been to one of these shows at the Zoo, so when a friend of mine asked if I wanted to go see Bootsy Collins, I was in.

If you aren't familiar with Bootsy, he's a bass player who started his career as a backup musician to James Brown, and went on to become a member of Parliament Funkadelic. He's renowned for his outrageous outfits, which almost always include a signature oversized hat and crazy glasses. The show was billed as a "Tribute to James Brown". What could be more fun?

The show started with a woman named Priscilla striding on stage. Priscilla was a gorgeous black woman who was wearing a fab silvery dress, and a floppy hat that made her look like either a bridesmaid or a garden party attendee. Sadly, Priscilla was possibly the least funky black person I have ever seen, and had not quite honed her 'get the crowd fired up' emcee skills.

Priscilla pedantically explained (reading from a sheet of paper in front of her) that we were going to see five different groups that were part of "Bootzilla Productions" and were dedicated to "carrying on the spirit of James Brown".

The first group was an instrumental group with no front man. It included a couple members of Public Enemy. They were good musicians, and tight, but interestingly, the repetitive funk riffs of the James Brown songs got a little boring without a front man/singer as a focal point.

Next, they brought out a rapper. There was no discernible connection between what this guy was doing and James Brown. He was energetic, but that was about all he had going for him.

The third group was called "Eye Candy". Three people filed on stage wearing floor length glittery capes with hoods pulled over their faces. My friend said it put her in mind of Neil Young's Rust Never Sleeps tour, while I was wondering if they were Star Wars characters. They threw off the capes to reveal a young woman and two young men. These three had some really great dance moves, so I didn't mind watching them. The young woman did a very respectable rendition of 'It's a Man's World'.

Next, Priscilla introduced "Freakface" by announcing that Bootsy had decided Freakface is the "spiritual heir to the funk". Ummmm...whatever. Freakface was a bass player and he did definitely look like "Bootsy junior" in that he was wearing a spiffy outfit and a tophat with a great big red feather. Interestingly, he was white. Not that white people can't be funky. He was a good bass player, but probably would have been better served by staying away from the microphone.

We had now counted through four bands so we were hoping to finally get to see Bootsy. But no...they hauled out a woman who was a backup singer to James Brown during the 60's. She was quite charming, actually, and still had a voice on her. She did a short piece of "I'll Take You There" and segued into "Respect". Then they interviewed her. It became obvious that they were killing time. "We're still waiting for a few band members to come" (I whispered to my friends that maybe Bootsy was getting a blowjob backstage).

Finally, finally, Mr. Collins deigned to take the stage, along with a guy who was going to be 'the young James Brown'. The James Brown guy was pretty decent, although maybe relying a little too much on back flips for his dance pyrotechnics. There was a giant complement of musicians on stage - a horn section, two drummers, bongo player, guitar and bass, two backup singers, a go-go dancer, and so on. So we were finally getting the wall of funk that we came for.

Bootsy stayed in the background, playing his bass, except for one point where he spoke into the microphone and said, "Milwaukee still has the FUNK!" After a pause, he said, "I screwed that up, didn't I?" "I bet y'all think I'm still taking drugs, don't you? Well...maybe I did have one or two too many, but it's all good."

About 20 minutes into this, the James Brown dude announced, "Hey, you guys, we're gonna get kicked out of here in five minutes." WHAT?

It was, indeed, 10:25 p.m. One of my friends had told a story on the way to the show, that she had heard about a concert that went till 1 in the morning, and the Zoo proclaimed the next day that the tigers had been disturbed by the noise and henceforth all shows must end by 10:30 p.m.

They did extend it a little past 10:30, and Bootsy went off into the auditorium and worked the crowd for quite a while, which I think made people happy...but still....

$38 for two hours of a junior talent show and 25 minutes of actual Bootsy music? Can you say rip-off?

Currently listening : Hell By James Brown Release date: 1995-02-28

1:23 PM - 13 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment