Why can’t we all just get along????
Current mood: aggravated
Category: Life

Ok, so tonight was supposed to be a pleasant night out with my extended family and friends. We were just going to a little pizza joint in the next town over, but I was looking forward to a relaxed fun evening. I should probably explain that my best friend is black and that her husband is Jewish. They have a beautiful little baby boy. Her Mom and Dad as well as her sister, niece and nephew were all present as well as my daughter. We are all now and have been a happily blended group for over 20 years give or take a few new additions to the family over the years.

We were sitting, quietly I might add, minding our own business. We were talking about the day's events and waiting for our order to arrive when a family was seated right behind us. There was a Mom and Dad and three kids. From the moment they were seated, the mother kept looking over at the group of us and sneering. By that I mean that she would intentionally catch someone's eye and then grimace or frown and then snap her gaze away. I was not particularly caring one way or another until she opened up her mouth. Then most of the table became aware of the steaming pile of racist bullshit that was seated so close to them.

I gave her my best look of death. She quieted down a bit. As a partially deaf person I read lips, so I had the pleasure of seeing and listening to her verbal barrage. She was going on and on about the baby and how the true race is being diluted by yep you guessed it "n****r lovers" like us! It was at that point that I became a bit agitated. Unfortunately I didn't model very good behavior to my own child, because I said loud enough for anyone to hear, that if she wanted it to be "go time", the kids with us could be packed up in a flash! She continued to disparage not only my friends and family, but went on and on about me.

Nothing sets a fire under my ass quite like racial intolerance! I refrained from sharing the musings of this lovely woman with any of the rest of the group to keep from inciting a riot in the restaurant. I did stand up right next to her so she could see all six feet of me in my infuriated glory. It was at that point that the lump of a man sitting next to her suggested that she just be quiet. Her children were all but hiding under the table, as her comments got louder and more offensive.

We left the restaurant without incident, but I did make a comment to the restaurant about what had happened and they were appalled and very apologetic. I assured them it was no reflection on them and left with a small modicum of dignity. When we got outside, we spent a good fifteen minutes saying our goodbyes as most of our family and friends were heading back to Baltimore tomorrow morning. The woman and her family actually stood in the lobby of the restaurant and waited for us to leave before the exited the restaurant! That may have been the smartest thing she's done today!

When Bebe and I got into the car and left for home, she was beyond angry and very hurt on the behalf of her beloved Aunt Pauli. She was spewing a lot of angry hateful sentiments and it was at that point that I realized I had failed to give her the right message. What I should have done instead of ranting on about kicking some useless ass was explain to her that we have to learn to let things go. There are horrible people everywhere, racist, homophobic and just generally ignorant people, everywhere. Just because they say terrible things, doesn't mean those things are true. We have to learn to be forgiving and understand that those people are to be pitied. Their intolerance, excludes them from enjoying and being a part of many new and interesting things in life. We should feel sorry for them and let the things that they say go. Let the insults and hatred roll off of us, instead of letting it stick and leave a mark. I explained this to her in the car and I think she gets it, so I don't feel like I have failed as a parent completely.

As much as I know and believe all of what I have just said, it's a good thing that woman didn't push me too far. She'd have had only one shot at me! If she didn't knock me out it was going to go downhill for her really fast!

6:11 PM - 6 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment

Confessions of an Aging Punk Rock Girl
Current mood: bored
Category: Music

As a teenager in the 80's, I grew up listening to such seminal punk bands as the Circle Jerks, The Ramones, The Clash, Black Flag, Minor Threat and Fear. I have seen all but one of those bands live. (I am still totally crushed that I never got to see the Clash) I loved the anti-conformity sentiment and the raw angry sound. It was a way for me to escape the mundane suburbs and the painful secrets of my youth that hid there. As was true for many kids with unfortunate childhoods, punk was a way to vent my anger and absolute disgust for authority figures.

I still love the music of that era and have found that some of the old-timers are still around, shaking their fingers and shouting at the establishment. There are even some new bands on the scene that embody the original feel of the early punk movement. It was with that spirit in mind that I decided to take my daughter to the Vans Warped Tour this past week. I wanted her to see first hand what a group of freethinking, anti-establishment musicians could do! I wanted her to feel that same rush of excitement I had after her first time in the mosh pit! I wanted her to see that being different is ok and that we can all get along.

What I found is that punk rock is now a corporately sponsored community? No shit! What used to be a fringe group of angry disenfranchised youth is now a widely accepted "look" and "style". That is so not punk! Everyone dressed in their obligatory black and band tees, more Mohawks than the original tribesmen and enough manic panic hair dye to terrify all of suburbia. If one kid had on a pair of Converse, 20,000 of them did. I think I saw at least a hundred or so Ramones t-shirts and an assortment of Clash ware. None of them that I saw were pissed off or even somewhat disgruntled, they all seemed to be smiling and having a ball! The closest we came to seeing some actual "punk" was at the Bad Religion show. One of the girls took a boot to the head from an ungainly crowd surfer. They got shoved around by an impromptu group of moshers and had bottles, etc. tossed at them from the crowd.

A side note: I was seriously pissed that the Circle Jerks bailed on that date for the tour! I was hoping to have my daughter get a good introduction to old school as well as the new bands. So lame!! Bad Religion was absolutely amazing as they always are and Greg Graffin never disappoints. There is a reason why they are still around and still putting out music that is current and worth listening to.

One of the more unsettling things about the tour is all of the commercial tents. If you wanted to meet and greet a band, you could wait in line for a couple hours to see them at the "AT&T Wireless" tent. WTF? If you wanted to, you could go listen to the bands at the Chevrolet Lounge???? There were so many corporate vendors and advertisers there, that it felt less like a punk show and more like a mall with good music playing. FUCK! Everywhere you looked, there was Warped Tour merchandise and all of the merchandising booths of the bands. I fucking missed something!! Did someone forget that the whole fucking point of being PUNK is to be different!! If all of the people there were all wearing the same shit and drinking "Warped Fucking Water" (yes, they have their own brand), then that isn't very punk rock, now is it?

What made some of this cloying bullshit ok, were some really incredible performances. As I stated before, Bad Religion owned. I was so glad that Tori and her pals got to see them play and experience that kind of show. While we were waiting for them to come onstage, there was a shitty band playing at the next stage over. The crowd turned on them and there were about a thousand or so people booing them loudly during their set. Now that was punk rock!

 Flogging Molly is another incredible band. They throw a tight set and have the Irish/punk band thing down to a science. In absence of the Dropkick Murphy's, they were an excellent substitute. As I Lay Dying was actually pretty amazing live. Under normal circumstances listening to some of the new goth/emo shit makes me want to slit my wrists, but they put on a fantastic show and despite the growling unintelligible stuff, they rocked. Some of the bands we saw, I didn't know the names of, but enjoyed it nonetheless. The girls were all open-minded and had no problem going to see "my bands" as well as the ones they wanted to see.

The bands the girls wanted to see were not necessarily my cup of tea. I am not a huge emo fan and have little or no interest in poppy punk. With that being said, we saw many bands that I expected to hate. With the exception of the unknown band that got booed louder than I have ever heard before, there was only one other band that I didn't like. They were the Vincent Black Shadow. Good grief I wanted to smack her whiny ass off the stage! There were so many other bands there that day that rocked their asses off, and these hacks not only had a totally yesterday shtick, they just mailed it in. UGH!! I am sure there was some unsigned up and comer that would have torn that stage up instead of those losers!

All Time Low, a band I loved only because the guys were from my hometown and half of them graduated from my old high school (DHS represents!!), kicked ass!! I have a whole new appreciation for them. We met the guitar player Jack and he was a very cool kid. (There's a pic of him and Tori in my warped photo album) They owned the crowd and had won the extra ten-minute encore by way of fan voting. I admit it, I dug it. They are coming to Portland in September and yep, we're going!

Gone Baby Gone is a great local (Boston) band. We met their guitar player Mike and he called my daughter gorgeous. (It is all I have been hearing for the last five days . . . oy) We now have their cd's, a signed poster and whatnot. They are another band that is really great live. Go see them if you can.

Last but certainly not least is Family Force 5. I had never heard of them before that day, but they put on such an amazing, high-energy show, that I am now a fan. We all loved the show and had the good stroke of luck to get into the beginning of their autograph line. Tori got her picture taken with the guitar player, he was amazing and very cool. The keyboard player was a total dick and almost caused me to do something unladylike in front of the kids, but I refrained. I haven't had to throw anyone a beating in a couple of years; I almost made an exception for him. Even the lead singer looked at him like he'd lost his mind. Whatever, no one was going to rain on our parade.

We had a great time, but I walked away from the whole thing feeling somewhat cheated. Yes, we saw some pretty amazing shows and had a blast, but it felt more like a town fair than a punk show. Now the Mom in me was glad that all the kids with me, came home safely and in one piece with little or no bruising. The old punk rock girl was disappointed that no one came home bruised or beaten. I didn't have that amped up angry pissed off feeling I got at my first punk show. I didn't feel like I could take on the world or the government. I was just glad that we had premier parking status and wouldn't have to wait in line to get out of the parking lot.

That's so not punk rock.

Currently listening : Give ’em Enough Rope By The Clash Release date: 25 January, 2000

6:23 PM - 7 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment

A Day In My Life . . .
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

Ok, I have had plenty of things to blog about in the last couple of weeks. Just to name a few . . . my disastrous trip to Baltimore, my autistic niece's visit from hell, my mother's recurrent brain cancer and last but certainly not least, the lightning strike that took out almost all of the working electronic devices in my home and fried the lines on my roof as well! Good times!

I had fully prepared myself to go off on a rant about any and all of these subjects, because I was fast approaching spontaneous combustion with all of the stress that was piling up. I found myself being short tempered with no explanation, angry at just about every passing stranger or driver. I was in a terrific funk and didn't see an end to it. I was seriously on the verge of becoming a full-blown piece of fucking work!!!

I was having serious difficulty putting any perspective on the situations that I mentioned earlier. I had so looked forward to my trip to Baltimore, I was going to stay with a couple of different friends and then bring my niece home for an extended stay this summer. I got to Baltimore and things weren't happening as I hoped. The friends I stayed with were lovely and gracious, don't get me wrong. It's just that I had pinned my hopes on spending time with a certain person and he unceremoniously blew me off. I was completely crushed and promptly called an old friend with the intention of getting my groove on. I unfortunately wound up having one of the scariest nights of my life. (not because of my friend, he is amazing and I am just humiliated that things happened as they did) It is something I don't think I have ever experienced before and hope not to ever again. I am still pretty traumatized and will need more time before I can actually share those events with you.

It was almost a relief getting out of Baltimore. They say you can never really go home and that is so very true. Some of our old friends back home are wonderful, others should really just be left on the occasional contact list, you know, Christmas cards and the infrequent email joke or two. I have said it before as well, the people who purchased my old house should just burn painfully for what they have let it become!!! There were years of love and care put into our tiny little home and now it looks like something in a bad movie!  UGH!! Again, it was a relief to leave. I was traveling home to Maine with my daughter, my brother Joe and my autistic niece Laura. We made spectacular time getting home!! (It is usually a 9-ish hour drive; I made it in 7 hours and 15 minutes) Yeehah!!!

From the moment my niece arrived it was evident that she wasn't going to make the transition to life in a bustling household well. There was a great deal of whining and complaining as well as some lying, posturing and serious trash talking. Apparently I am a testy bitch for asking a 14 year old to close the bathroom door when she is using it!! Silly me! At any rate, after 6 days and waving a knife in my face when I asked her to put her dinner dishes in the sink, I made the call. Her guardian came to get her on Saturday and now she is back home to her routine of calling me and telling me how much she misses me. Such is life. Once again proving that no good deed goes unpunished.

I can't really talk in detail about what is going on with Mom or I will completely come undone. The short story is that her brain tumor is back and not looking like it will be an easy fight like the last one. She is going in for tests tomorrow at Dana Farber Hospital in Boston and may wind up being admitted if she has a persistent brain infection. If you pray, please do so, if not any good thoughts you can spare will be appreciated. My mom and I have always had a difficult and trying relationship, but noone should ever have to suffer like she is, NO ONE!

Lightning sucks, no two ways about it. During a serious of violent storms, my house and yard were struck! Yikes! My house can be fixed and the tvs, cable boxes and pcs can be replaced, but dammit, I really didn't need all of this extra expense at the moment. I'll get over it, but I will have to work my ass off for the rest of the summer to get back on track again. Whatever! (My job interview went well today, so keep your fingers crossed that it works out! I'll keep you posted.)

To end things on a lighter note (no pun intended) I am celebrating a 125 lb. weight loss since my surgery in February of this year. It hasn't been an easy road, in fact it's been awful and painful, but I am making it through. I no longer take any medication for my back and I am feeling like a newer better woman everyday!

I had a moment yesterday. One that made me realize how close some bad decision-making came to destroying my future. Fortunately, that bad decision didn't come back to haunt me and I have been given a karmic free pass once again. I intend to make the best of it and let a lot of the stress I've been carrying with me go. I spend most of my time taking care of and catering to other people's needs and wants. I think I am going to consciously try to make more time for me. I never want to reach the breaking point where I was a few days ago. I guess it is up to me to make sure that I don't.

Currently listening : Come Undone By Duran Duran Release date: 01 June, 1993

6:36 PM - 12 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

When Does It End?? (Not a happy blog!)
Current mood: sad
Category: Life

I just got a phone call from my mother that is about to send me into a blind rage. What could possibly do this you might ask? Well it's a long story, one that I will try to explain to you without penning another "War and Peace". It is a difficult subject for me to talk about and I am not sure if all of the pain I have suffered in a lifetime will come through in my writing, but I will try. I'll give you a brief synopsis first then get to what happened tonight.

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As many of you may already know, I am an adopted child. I was adopted as an infant and was an only child for about 4 years. My parents, still unable to conceive, adopted an older child. A boy the age of 9ish who from the very beginning of our familial relationship said he'd been adopted away from his family. That didn't bode well, but my parents weren't exactly quick to the uptake. I think they believed that their love would fix any wrongs my brother had suffered before they got him. God were they foolish. I would have said stupid, but god forbid they should stumble across my writings, I wouldn't want to insult them. They meant well, but had no idea what they had gotten themselves into.

My brother was taken as a ward of the court when he was five. His biological family beat him with in an inch of his life with a baseball bat and he almost died. He was then sent to foster care where he was promptly beaten and abused. After finally being freed from that hell, he was taken in by another foster family where he seemed to do very well. They were not people of means, but they did right by a child who hadn't gotten a fair shake since birth. As such, their financial status is what in fact kept them from being able to adopt my brother. My parents at the time were not wealthy, but my Mom came from old money and my father was the hardest workingman on the planet. This combined with their successful first adoption gave the courts good reason to allow my parents to adopt him away from his family. What my wonderful parents didn't know was any of what I just told you. My brother's abusive past and near death experience were withheld from them. All they were told is that he was placed in foster care because his parents weren't able to care for him properly.

That was the beginning of the end for me.

At the age of 4, I could read circles around my brother. I was already on a competitive swim team and the top guppy in my age group. My parents didn't know at the time was that my brother couldn't read, apparently he also couldn't swim. Both of these facts would lead to what was 9 years of abuse at the hands of my brother. I won't bore you with the icky details. Let's just say that I have spent more than my share of time in the 'Big Chair'. I have been in counseling, therapy, al-anon and support groups. Did I mention that my brother was a drug addict/alcoholic/felon by the time he was barely 11 years old?

My parents had a biological child when I was almost 7 years old, another girl child. Only this one was cute and little and perfect. When I wasn't swimming 40 hours a week competitively, I was avoiding being attacked by my older brother and by the time I was 9, practically raising my sister. (Mom went through the change right after my sister was born, she spent a lot of time crying in her bedroom and sleeping- Dad traveled all the time for work)

Ok, so you can draw yourselves a picture without me having to continue along this really awful stroll down memory lane. There are two other things worth mentioning at this point. My brother had a child with one of his drug-addicted girlfriends 6 months before my daughter was born. She was born addicted and because of that was taken into child protective custody at birth. She is autistic, asperger's syndrome actually. He takes no responsibility for her and regularly quits jobs when child support officials catch up with him. Stand up guy. I digress. My beautiful niece lives with her maternal grandmother (her lovely mother is in and out of jail because of her drug usage) and she and I talk almost every other day. The second thing to mention is that my brother married a young girl, 12 years his junior who had no education and had never ventured out of her little town. They now have a daughter together. She appears to be bright enough but has some serious behavioral problems. Go figure.

His wife and I don't see eye to eye about much. I admit freely that I have a hard time with stupid people and I have never suffered fools gladly. Those two walk a very fine line with me. They are not always taking care of my little niece and they both know that when my LCB loans are paid, if they are still up to their same old behaviors, I will file for custody of her. I make sure they both know, that I have the means and the motivation to get that child if they screw up one more time. Child services has investigated them more than once and it would be no trouble at all to get custody.

Ok, now that I have made you a watch when all you asked for was the time, let me get to the issue at hand.

My brother, his wife and my niece skipped out on their overdue house payments and lost the home my father helped them buy. They left their dogs behind and a lot of their personal items. Their phones had been shut off; so I sent an email to my sister-in-law and said, "Just let us know if you guys are ok. I am worried about my niece. . ." no tone, just concern. I got a response back that was less than pleasant and so I sent another email.

I let my sister-in-law know in no uncertain terms, that I wasn't interested in the old song and dance routine, that I was just concerned for everyone's well being. I didn't really care what their excuses were this time, but that I thought since my father had all but purchased their home for them, he might have wanted to know that it was lost to foreclosure. He might have wanted to know before the lien holder called looking for my brother and her and read my father the riot act. I didn't use any short, I just let them know in simple terms, that they screwed up big time and needed to come clean.

What wants to send me over the edge is that my brother called my Mom tonight. (My mother has lost half of her brain to brain cancer surgery) He didn't call to say, Mom we are in Florida and ok, NOOOOOOOO, he called to complain to her that all I do is send nasty emails to them and I make his wife cry!! Now due to my mother's condition, she will forget what I have told her and be very incensed on my brother's behalf that I am harassing them via email. She then calls me to dress me down for saying nasty things to my brother instead of being supportive of his problems. I know she is incapacitated, but WTF?? She made such an issue of it that I almost had to hang up on her. Fortunately my father had gotten on the other extension and tried to set her straight. But once again I am the bad guy.

I honestly thought for a minute that she was kidding and that she was just yanking my chain. Unfortunately, it seems like I am continuing to be punished for my brother's bad behavior. When does it all end? He'll never get sober, he'll never apologize and he'll continue to wreak havoc on this family. I wish I knew what to do to fix it all.

Currently listening : Same as It Ever Was By House of Pain Release date: 28 June, 1994

6:01 PM - 6 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Come On . . . You Know You Wanna Play!!!
Current mood: lazy
Category: Friends

Alrighty . . . Ms. Jane insisted . . . so here it is!!!

Leave your name...

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you.
8. If you do this you MUST post this on yours. You MUST. It is written. (ok, you don't have to, but it's better if you do . . .)

xx,

heather~

Currently listening : But It's Better If You Do By Panic! At the Disco Release date: 04 May, 2006

8:37 PM - 19 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment