Through Glass
Current mood: rockin
Category: Life

It's becoming apparent that I no longer have time to write blogs like I used to.  It's not that I don't want to (shit, I find myself thinking of ideas all the time...and then promptly forget them as I go about my hectic day).  For me, sitting down and writing takes a lot of time and effort, mostly because I'm easily distracted and have trouble focusing, but also because I'm very much a perfectionist and could sit and proofread/edit for hours before deciding it's worth hitting the submit button.  Not that everything I've posted was perfect, but it was written and rewritten until it was phrased and structured exactly the way I intended.

You know what should be outlawed?  Giving people names that start with two of the same letter.  It just feels really wrong to type.  My brain understands, but my fingers can't seem to grasp the concept of hitting the shift key for one and not the other.  It brings everything to a screeching halt for a few seconds and it pisses me off.  If your name is Aaron or Lloyd, screw you.  It took me 20 seconds to type that last sentence.

Anyway, so I may be trying to blog more but in a different way.  More funny news stories with maybe a little commentary, or shorter random thoughts, or maybe links to other funny stuff.  Things like that.

I was working on some computers for a client today and one of them turned out to have a dying hard drive.  I was getting ready to just junk it when I found a music CD in the drive.  I took it to the client and said "Hey, you know that computer that decided life wasn't worth living anymore?  I think I know why." as I handed him the CD.  He looked a little confused until he looked at the label and saw it was a Celine Dion album.

So yeah, what do you guys think about that?  I don't see myself having much free time for another month or so (I kinda have a lot going on, and after working on computers all day I don't really feel much like sitting in front of one when I get home), but I think I'll try it out and see how it goes.

The other day I saw quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.  I was headed into an office building which had a set of double doors, all glass, in the center of an all-glass exterior to the foyer area.  Just inside the first double doors there is another glass wall with another set of double doors.  This genius, apparently failing to see the doors with metal handles and shit right the fuck in front of his face after walking in the first set of doors, decides to wander off to the side. 

*DONG*

Face first into the glass wall.

Hard.

Two feet to the right of the fucking door.

I laughed.

Oh God that noise was glorious.  If you've never heard the sweet sounds of an idiot's head bouncing off a 20'x12' pane of glass I would highly recommend it. 

It's not like he had his head down or anything.  There was glare on the glass wall due to the sun going down outside, so it was hardly completely invisible.  Did I mention the doors with big fucking metal handles that were right in front of him as he entered the first set of doors?

Better yet, did he think that someone designed the building with doors in the middle of the room with open space all around?

So many unanswered questions.  I probably should have asked him when I went to the restroom a few minutes later and he was tending to his obviously broken (and profusely bleeding) nose, but I was too busy trying not to laugh right in his face.

I went into the client's office and told them what happened, and they laughed too.  The receptionist said "So that's what that big DONG was!", followed by a round of inappropriate jokes.  She proceeded to mention that it happens about once a week, and I made a mental note to remember to, roughly once a week, lose a little more respect for humans in general.

As I was on my way out I looked at the glass and saw what couldn't have been more perfect...a face-print composed of skin oils and traces of blood.  It was a work of art, really, an everyday normal guy taking life by the horns and making the world his canvas, one glass wall at a time.

If you're reading this, do everyone a favor and keep on rockin', face smashing guy.  Maybe it's time to graduate up to bigger and better things...like the windshield of a city bus.

I watched you walk into the glass
I tried so hard not to laugh
Hey, is that blood on your sweater?
I guess that no one ever told you that most buildings have real doors
Don't create your own with your forehead

Currently listening : Through Glass Release date: 2006-11-07

1:15 AM - 17 Comments - 24 Kudos - Add Comment

The Aristocrats?
Category: News and Politics

(I didn't write this, but I wish I did)

The McCain family walks into a talent agent's office.  The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts."  John McCain says, "This one's different."  So the talent agent says, "Okay, I'll give you five minutes.  Show me what you've got."

John McCain takes out a little radio and turns it on and circus music starts playing.  Cindy puts on a nurse's uniform and bends over the talent agent's desk while Bridget takes out a giant prescription bottle and starts shoving the bottle up Cindy's ass.  Then Meghan takes out a laptop and starts blogging while John dresses up as a Saudi Arabian prince and straps on an oil derrick-shaped dildo and starts fucking Meghan, who's screaming "Call me Laura!  Calle me Laura Bush!"  Then the whole family lines up and John McCain says, "And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Obama family!" and all teh McCain's take out burnt cork and put on blackface and start dancing around in a circle.  Then Cindy, Meghan and Bridget all start making out while John McCain masturbates furiously, and then right before he's about to finish he points his cock at his own face so he comes all over himself.  As it drips down his face it starts to wash away some of the blackface so that he's got this part-white, part-black, part-semen pattern on his face, and then John turns to the talent agent and says, "Now that's change you can believe in!"  They all take a bow.

The talent agent is stunned and says, "Wow.  That act was unbelievable.  I've never seen anything like it.  What do you call it?"  John McCain replies, "In a moment of seriousness, I was in a prison cell for five and a half years..."

7:10 AM - 9 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

For sale: Stainless steel wasp nest
Current mood: pretty
Category: Pets and Animals

This is quite honestly the finest stainless steel wasp nest ever produced.  Works perfectly for sheltering hundreds of those adorable little assholes from the elements, ensuring they have a safe environment from which to emerge and terrorize anyone who dare step into your backyard.  Particularly effective against those with sting allergies.

$350 OBO.  I happen to posess those particular allergies, so you're on your own when it comes to moving it.  It cost $600 last year when it was still a Ducane gas grill.

Currently listening : Fields of Gold: The Best of Sting 1984-1994 By Sting Release date: 1994-11-08

4:30 AM - 9 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

important public announcement
Category: Life

I feel compelled to speak publicly about an issue that I know is affecting many Americans.  Even as I write this.  Like, totally right this very second.

It seems that there are a large number of people that think that during the nice pleasant weather we've been having this summer that it is perfectly acceptable to leave their windows open in the evening.  This sounds innocent enough, but it is a growing problem in urban and suburban areas alike.

The problem boils down to this:  you aren't nearly as sexy as you think you are.

It seems that the neighbors on both sides of me think rather highly of their lovemaking skills and insist on sharing at least the audio version of their disgusting poke-fests with the rest of the neighborhood.

Newsflash, retards:  you've got about as much of a chance of becoming a porn star as Nicole Richie's child has of growing up a nice, well adjusted member of society. 

To my neighbors on the left:  I'm pretty sure you guys are the inspiration behind the phrase "bumping uglies".  Dude, your wife looks like Britney let herself go again and got her face stuck in a commercial printing press.  How she still has relatively skinny legs is very confusing to me, but I try not to dwell on it too long because I'm pretty sure Pfizer could double their Viagra sales overnight if they just plastered her likeness on a few billboards.  Also, put a fucking shirt on when you go in the backyard to BBQ your hot pockets.  As if the shitty tattoos aren't bad enough, most people with the Rosie O'Donnell body type are smart enough to stay clothed when they venture outside their house.  No, strike that...bedroom.  The sounds that radiate from your abode while you sheath your pork sword in her ham wallet reminds me of that episode of Dirty Jobs where he artificially inseminated a cow.  Getting stuck in the dumpster behind an abortion clinic would be sexier than being in that room.

As for you horrible asian fuckers on my right, I'm pretty sure you guys are doing it wrong.  The creaking bed is pretty much the loudest thing in the room except the occasional squeak of what sounds like what is probably a very confused dog toy.  Either you are supplementing your tiny little asian cock with a McGuyvered strap-on or your wife has a sneezing midget stuffed in her snatch.  Either way, you should probably just retire.  I almost gave you a pass because I thought that, since you guys are so old, you may have just forgotten to close the window.  But then as I rinsed the bile out of my nose and mouth I decided that you guys still fucking suck.

All of you make me want to gouge out my eardrums with a lawn chair.  You should know that you have completely ruined my evening ritual of standing in the backyard, staring up at the mostly non-light-polluted sky and hoping the bats and owls don't shit in my eyes, and having that last cigarette before bed.  Knock it the fuck off.  Like I said before, you aren't nearly as sexy as you think you are.

Not un-sexy enough to prevent me from leaning up against the fence and jacking off into the flowerbed while I listen to you, but still pretty un-sexy.

5:36 AM - 20 Comments - 28 Kudos - Add Comment

Kinda like sleepwalking, but with more handjobs
Current mood: virginal
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

I figured I'd crawl out of my cave for a few minutes and make a public appearance. Life has been too crazy recently for me to really have time to (or more accurately, want to use my free time to sit at the computer and) write blogs. I don't really see that changing anytime soon unfortunately, so you'll just have to read this one twice or something.

With that said, I'm going to try and do some more song parodies. You know, without the songs. Lyrical parodies I guess. I have several that I started and never finished...and keep getting all sorts of ideas while listening to the radio. Here, I'll give you a few choices to choose from. Just tell me which one you want first and why, and I'll have the one with the most votes done within the next week or so.

1. Losing My Religion by REM
2. Space Lord by Monster Magnet
3. I Wanna Be Sedated by the Ramones
4. Bawitdaba by Kid Rock
5. Lips Of An Angel by Hinder
6. Monkey Wrench by Foo Fighters
7. Have You Ever Loved A Woman by Bryan Adams
8. Rock Star by Nickelback

Most votes by Thursday night around midnight PST "wins".

I'll see if I can make time to write up a few interesting stories that have happened recently too, but it looks like I'm on track for another crazy week.

Just a quick question before I go though. Have you ever woken up and noticed that your hand smells like dick? (Even though most of my readers are of the vagina-posessing type, I think this still works. You all just strike me as dick-grabbers.)

I woke up the other day and went to scratch my nose and, surprisingly, my hand smelled nothing like dick. A couple days before that, though, I did the same thing and got smacked in the face with a wall of dick. Not literally, because that would be fucking disturbing. Who makes a wall out of dicks? That's fucked up.

No, in a much less gay way than having an entire structural component of modern day construction that was somehow made entirely of dicks rushing towards my face, there was a whole lot of dick entering my nasal passages.

It wasn't necessarily an offensive kind of dick, it was just dick. You know what I mean. Dick smells like...well, dick. Don't get me wrong, I haven't spent a whole lot of time running around smelling enough dicks to mentally be able to come to some sort of conclusion about the median dick scent, but dick is pretty much dick unless:

a) It hasn't been properly washed
b) Someone was too overzealous with the Axe and it now smells like something that belongs in a candle store
c) It has recently been in...something...

Right?

I mean, do dicks come in different scents?

Is there perhaps a fabric softener-esque selection of dick available for interested parties to choose from? Chamomile-lemon even? (fuck that shit...it was the least offensive sounding one while I was standing there in the aisle that just happened to be completely out of my regular, non-edible-sounding flavor (?) and now my clothes smell like I've been furiously humping random flowerbeds)

I'm going to assume not unless someone more experienced in the art of dicksniffing steps forward.

Which brings me to my question...how do I know my hand is actually wearing the scent of my own dick? What if I'm wandering around in my sleep giving my neighbors a good reason to be smiling and waving at me, rather than just following the pre-approved and mostly mandated neighbor protocol established by the homeowners association?

Kinda like sleepwalking...

1:39 AM - 29 Comments - 32 Kudos - Add Comment

If you ever want me to blog again...
Current mood: cranky

Find me a competent fucking coworker.  Please.

Job opening for mid-level Windows IT guy in Portland, OR

Who we are: A small IT consulting company located in Tigard OR who are in need of another GOOD consultant/on-site tech. We have been in business for 10 years and have a solid client base currently, although we are looking to expand. Recession be damned! I am the lead tech and would be working directly with you.

Why we're looking: We've had an interesting stretch of employees who haven't panned out. We want to be able to grow but we need the right pieces in place before we can do that. (Read: I'm working too much and need some competent people around me so I don't have to work an extra 20+ hours a week cleaning up messes left by others.)

The job: You will spend most of the day going to client sites and essentially being their network/systems admin. Most of our clients would be classified as small businesses, usually having between 1 and 10 servers, almost entirely Microsoft, and many of them have Exchange. Most of our clients are great to work with and view us as "the guys who come to save the day" and it can be very rewarding. With that said, it can also be very demanding. Aside from having a well rounded skill set, you need to be able to prioritize tasks and incidents, be able to learn on the fly and appear confident even if you don't know what the hell you're doing, know how to use your resources to find answers (coworkers/internet/vendors/etc), manage your time to perfection, and be a team player. Much of the job will consist of you operating independently, but communicating scheduling changes (running late, new incident, etc) back to the office staff as well as supporting the other techs when they need help is crucial. During downtime there will be things to do such as assisting the sales staff with quotes, doing research, learning new shit, dealing with IT issues around our office, etc. Must be able to clearly and consistently document time and work done.

A lot of this sounds like common sense. It feels weird to need to spell that out, but apparently it's necessary.

You: You are sharp and quick to learn. You have at least an MCP, preferably MCSA/MCSE. You take showers and are presentable. You can at least pretend to be good with people. You have moderate to advanced experience with most of the following:

Windows 2000/2003/2008 (2003 required for sure)
SBS 2000/2003 (not many of those, but it helps if you're familiar)
Exchange 2000/2003/2007 (2003 required, 2007 experience highly preferred)
Active Directory, DNS, DHCP (absolutely necessary)
Familiarity with server hardware setup and troubleshooting (Dell, HP) a big plus
Firewalls, routers, switches, networking fundamentals
Familiarity with most recent and current Microsoft products (server and desktop)
SQL 2000/2005 a big plus
Linux experience would be great
MS CRM experience a gigantic plus
General hardware and software troubleshooting skills are a must
Experience with telecom and VOIP would be great, but not necessary

Basically, you need to know enough to manage an entire network. If you're interested but you're lacking in some areas just be honest about it. I don't have an issue with teaching as long as you're willing to learn, but this is not an entry level position.

If you have been in a similar role (bouncing from company to company, varying environments, changing gears several times throughout the day, etc) and have been successful in the past we would definitely be interested in talking to you.

As far as I know you'll have a company car available to you. This is a full time salaried position and the salary will be negotiated based on skill set and experience. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

If you're interested please send your resume and cover letter along with salary history to cavepimp@gmail.com for consideration. I'll review all submissions and pass along the ones that look good enough. Incomplete submissions will be scrapped. We need people that can follow directions.

If there are any questions feel free to email me or post them here.

Also, please send naked pictures.  I need something to keep me entertained/awake/aroused/disgusted/all of the above.

3:18 PM - 11 Comments - 20 Kudos - Add Comment

Have your cake and eat shit too!
Category: Food and Restaurants

Apparently they do things just a little differently over in the UK.

For those too lazy to click the link:


Two shop-owners were today fined for selling chocolate cake - which had been sprinkled with human faeces.

A horrified customer ate the foul-smelling gateaux but noticed that it didn't taste or smell "quite right" and handed the cake to public health scientists.

The analysts soon established that the sweet treat was covered in faeces and legal proceedings against the shop owners were started.


I'm OK with them deciding to spell words with extra vowels thrown in seemingly at random. Driving on the non-right side of the road is fine by me as well. But deciding that poop is an acceptable substitute when you're running short on chocolate sprinkles?

Yeah, that's OK with me too. I like reading about crazy stupid people.

Currently listening : I Poo Poo on Your Juju By Third Eye Foundation Release date: 22 May, 2001

11:36 PM - 15 Comments - 27 Kudos - Add Comment

You know how I know I’ve settled into my new job?
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

You might think that after roughly 4 months of being in this new job it might be because I really feel like I know my function here and know I'm doing it well. Or maybe because the boss left town for the week and trusted me to keep things running smoothly while he is gone and mostly unreachable. Perhaps it would be because the boss almost unquestioningly gives me the ability to quote large projects and trusts only me with our biggest customers. Hell, maybe it's something as simple as really starting to fit in and get along well with everyone else here.

Nope.

I just took a giant shit in the entirely foreign poo receptacle in the bathroom here at work.

And that's how I know.

Currently listening : Ten By Pearl Jam Release date: 27 August, 1991

7:59 PM - 12 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

I think I just solved global warming
Category: News and Politics

I was dicking around at the office today, just killing some time until I went out to sit in the parking lot (Highway 217). I walked in and one of my coworkers had a web page open, so naturally after a long day of working on computers and trying to solve the great mystery of how to get Microsoft CRM and Great Plains transferred properly to a new SBS 2003 server without breaking the CRM GP connector on a machine with SQL 2005 (on a side note, if anyone knows how to do this shit please tell me and I'll owe you at least 37 units of oral pleasure and 3 gallons of the finest chocolate milk).

Wait...that wasn't a complete sentence. After a long day of [Microsoft can kiss my hairy unwashed ass] my logical first question while entering our office manager's office is "Hey, are those the internets I keep hearing so much about?"

This, naturally, evolved into a discussion about Al Gore inventing the internets and how this invention must be contributing to the global warming problem, thus being a crucial and unassuming piece of his master plan to sell lots of books, win a Nobel prize and eventually take over the world with a lethal combination of influence and the ability to bore the living fuck out of anything with ears.

In a very rare and very brief moment of clarity my brain vomited up the solution to global warming. Way to go brain. What...you couldn't have cured cancer instead? That would have at least made you rich, you retard. Get your priorities straight.

Wait...where was I? Oh yeah. Internets and warming of the global variety.

Well fuck Al Gore. I'm going to turn his very own brainchild against him and use the internets to release my plan to end global warming once and for all! And look at porn later! Take that you robotic fuckhead!

!

If you think I was joking I can assure you I'm not. This isn't some stupid idea like having everyone turn their air conditioners to point outside or simply stretching Martha Stewart's barren, frigid vagina over the north pole. This is serious stuff. Proven technology that should have no problem being scaled up in size from its current use.

Think about it. All sorts of things are finely tuned and proven at smaller scales and then simply increased in size for actual use. It happens in design all the time (buildings, cars, buttplugs) and I'm sure it probably happens other places that just aren't coming to mind at the moment too.

So why can't existing solutions just simply be blown way the fuck up to solve even bigger problems? Pissing on a jellyfish sting relieves the pain. What if everyone in the world pissed in the ocean at the same time? Would it neutralize jellyfish altogether? Think about it.

Heat pipe technology has been used for years as a way to move heat from one source to another. Most recently it has been used quite a bit to help cool computer processors and chips. Basically, one end of a conductive tube is placed against a hot component and the heat is drawn towards the cooler end of the tube.

So why not just install some big motherfucking strategically placed copper tubes that run from the earth up into space. I hear it's pretty damn cold up in space. Maybe just a little too cold.

Big fucking tubes. That's the answer.

Sure they'd be expensive, but wouldn't it be worth it? Strap one of those fuckers to Texas and lets have a party.

Sure, there are some downsides. Idiots/children/religious nuts would try to climb them (it would look like the world's biggest stripper pole and/or a big shiny beanstalk (look ma, I'm Jack!) and/or could be seen as a way to get to heaven). I say let the retards die. We could put video cameras on them and make a reality TV show out of it. Now that's a reality show I'd watch.

The other immediate concern that comes to mind is potentially altering the Earth's spin due to lopsided placement. I'm not sure what a wobbly orbit would actually feel like down here on the ground, but I think it might be something like when you're quickly going down on an elevator and it slows drastically right before you arrive at your floor. In slow motion. Like...stretch that out over the course of a day. That doesn't sound so bad really.

Also, if they fell it would kinda suck.

But aside from that it's pretty much foolproof.



Where's my motherfucking Nobel prize, bitches?

11:23 PM - 27 Comments - 27 Kudos - Add Comment

So I stuck my dick in a blender the other day...
Category: Parties and Nightlife

Not a whole lot happened. Hell, the dangerous sharp shit is a good 10 inches or so from the top of that thing.

Still didn't want to turn it on. You know...just in case I hit a growth spurt at that precise moment.

Hey, I'm only 28...it could still happen. Right?

I'm tired and shit so I'm gonna go to bed. Tell me: what random/unusual objects have you placed your junk in (or placed in your junk, for some of you girls (and maybe guys))?

Banana peels? Whole bananas? Car exhaust pipes? Entire cars? A severed member you found on the side of the road? A large spider?

If you don't participate it will hurt my feelings and I'll be forced to show up on your doorstep with a smaller blender. No wang, nipple, yam-bag or beef flaps will be safe.

1:07 AM - 28 Comments - 43 Kudos - Add Comment