One week later
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

It was great to have a chance to work with everyone who came out today, especially when it was announced that over $622 had been raised in one shot!!

Of which, a $105.50 check was donated by Live 105.5’s Trace Nealy. I swear to you all, she is a goddess.

In addition to the car wash funds, this is where Charena stands thus far:

A little over $150 has been raised through PayPal.

$280 was collected from the very generous co-workers at the company that Charena works for.

The Live 105.5 Auction of a date with Maverick & Daughtry at the Magestic Ventura Theatre is now over $177! (Just search the words "Daughtry and Ventura" and it will show up in the listings. Myspazz is being a shit about letting me link you there.)

When the VCDD plays next Saturday down in San Bernie, the IEDD is planning on asking for donations as well.

But so far, over $1165 has been raised!!!!

So there’s less than $635 to go until her goal has been met. At this point, however, she successfully has the $900 down payment and is going to be sending in her hair to get the wig started.

That’ll leave us with 4-5 weeks or so to come up with the remaining, which if today proved anything, is totally do-able!

Remember that you can still make donations through Paypal by clicking on the "Donate" button on Charena’s mom’s page:  www.myspace.com/2hotmammas

I’ve been using Paypal for years and know that it is a safe way to send money through your checking account or even with credit cards.

Sometimes people really do just amaze me. You’re all wonderful.





One of the best shots of the day. Two great daughters.

On the flip side, two very lucky mothers.

5:09 PM - 22 Comments - 56 Kudos - Add Comment

Let’s Include Some Cancer With Our Easter.
Category: Friends

Hey there, it’s me again. (And for those who get all pissy about the forward-time-stamping, actually bother to read the thing before you make that judgment leap, OK?)

This time I’m stumping for a different kind of positivity. A medical drama of another kind and one that we’re all familiar with.

I’ve written my feelings on cancer in the past, for those who remember. They were heart-felt and they were my opinions and I was entitled to them. There were a lot of people who chose to turn their backs on me at that time and I bid them adieu, wishing them well.

I am backing this effort because it hits home for me.

It hits home for those stricken with cancer who stood by me and understood my previous message. It hits home for those of us who have known popular bloggers within the MySpazz community who did not win their battles with cancer.

And it hits home for me because this comes from my neck of the woods, for one of the girls of my community, who is doing something tremendous for her mother.

Charena (Also known as "CareBear Havoc" in the Ventura County Derby Darlins) is planning chopping off all of her own beautiful blonde hair so that a wig can be specially made for her mother who is losing her own hair to chemotherapy treatments.

This is a picture of mother and daughter, from a couple of years back, in happier and less stressful times:




Having a wig specially made isn’t as simple as one might think. Each hair is individually tied .. the donator cuts off a huge portion of their own. These are made so that the person who wears the wig couldn’t be called out for wearing a fake beast on their head.

This is also a way for a daughter to give back genetically, in a way of speaking, what her mother first gave to her.

I would kill to have my Midget’s hair, even as fine as it is, in that luminescent red color.

The Ventura County Derby Darlins started up just about a year ago, reigniting the interest in Roller Derbies here in our part of Southern California.

For some of you who read this, you might have never had to part with the glory that is gorgeous, tough, tattooed chicks beating one another down in a quest for glory. For me, a 6 time 27 year old woman, it was a blast being able to watch the sport come back to town.

It was even better to watch as my daughter became an addict of their crew, attending inter-league bouts like the last one on 03/08/08, where she is featured here with the girls and their sponsor, Batter Blaster.





I would have never gotten a chance to watch her pretend to beat up her favorite Derby girl, Potti Mouth Patty, (number symbol) FU, the baddest, most penalty laden chick on the Sultry Seahags.





I would have never guessed that over the course of a few games, a hell of a lot of screaming, and some pure hearted devotion, she would melt the heart of that bad-ass chick.







I am not writing a long and drawn out blog with opinions.

I am writing simply to ask you to look at these images.

You all know what the story is. Women are some strong motherfuckers. We give birth, we give guidance, we give praise, we give out punishments. We are blamed the most when there is a problem and we are thanked the least when something goes right.

Roller Derby girls mean a lot to me because they really, physically prove that we’re strong motherfuckers. And that while we may fall, we may stumble, we make cry and we make break... we also know how to get back up on our four skates and keep rolling again.





This girl is willing to cut off all of that beautiful hair for her mother. Because it is the gesture that she can do in a confusing time where the right answers elude us.

Please... click on the link below. Go to her mom’s page. Donate whatever you can. Even if it’s just a dollar.

And post some bulletins. Spread the word. Make it viral.



Click here for Charena’s mom’s page and the "Donate" button where you can contribute through PayPay (either with bank account or credit card)




At a time when people are saying "our father" and whatnot, remember that not a single man would be a father without a mother first.

1:24 AM - 38 Comments - 76 Kudos - Add Comment

More Information on the Lawrence King Case
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

For those of you who are still following the Lawrence King case, here’s some "insider" information that you may not have read about yet.

Through the teacher grapevine that I have privilege to from my mother, here are some facts that have come up.

* Lawrence King was one of five children in the King family, but he was actually an abandoned child, adopted into their clan.

* When he started to show signs of being gay, the highly religious family decided to start starving him, refusing to allow him to eat dinner if he was dressed in a certain fashion or using effeminate gestures. The family has claimed to the press that they put him into Casa Pacifica’s care (a foster home for mentally unstable children here in Oxnard, CA) because he demonstrated strange behaviours like making full loads of food in the middle of the night and then "throwing them away."

*In REALITY, it was a neighbor who called the child protection services when they heard from Larry that he was being starved and that would be why he’d cook in the middle of the night. CPS removed Larry from the King’s household when they determined to their satisfaction that he was being abused.

* The fund that the King family set up with a local bank was a complete ruse. They asked people to donate money for "funeral expenses" when in fact those expenses were COMPLETELY covered in full by the state. They then turned around and said that the money was for their other children’s "pain and anguish" over the incident.



* As for Brandon McInerney, he was living with his grandfather and his father at the time that he used his father’s gun to shoot Larry.

* Brandon’s mother was a meth dealer who allowed addicts to flop in her house. Prior to this, when Brandon’s parents were still married, they were abusive with one another. Brandon’s father at one point shot Brandon’s mother. She would call and have the cops pick him up for abuse.

* But she wasn’t innocent, as she would take him back and beat him up as well, prompting Child Protective Services to remove her sons from her care (after the abusive domestic relationship and her drug convictions). Brandon went to live with his paternal grandfather and his father eventually moved in with them.

* According to teachers at EO Green, Brandon was a bright kid who wasn’t abusive to Larry. He was slight of build and young for the 8th grade (having turned 14 just three weeks before the shooting, 14 being the cut-off in California where it can be petitioned for teenagers to be tried as adults) and slightly disturbed not as much to Larry’s proclamations of love, as he was the taunting from the OTHER kids at school who mocked him being chased around by Larry.

* When the situation grew to an unmanageable level, Brandon and Larry were brought in to see the principal and talk about what was going on. The two shared the same English class in the mornings (the one that Brandon shot Larry in) and Brandon asked to be transferred to another class. The principal also had Larry sign a promise to stay away from Brandon, so as to not exacerbate the taunting situation going on with the other kids.

* The circumstances are unclear as to what exactly it was, what exact words, what exact occurrence that caused Brandon to be prompted to shoot Larry that day back in February.



But much of what is up above are the things that the teachers at EO Green are being instructed not to talk about.

And as I read more articles in TIME and NEWSWEEK about why it was that Lawrence was killed, the more I think about once again, just trying harder to be a nicer person.


Today I took Midget to the St Patrick’s Parade in downtown Ventura. As we watched different people from different organizations walk by, I got to listen to the bitchy little cacklings of three teen girls who were standing behind us.

"OMG!" One heckled when seeing a boy on the Buena Ventura High School’s tall flags squad. "How totally gay! Swish it, boy! Swish it!"

I turned around and saw three tall but fairly chunky girls. None of them were what could be defined as pretty. They jostled each other about and pointed and continued to heckle anyone in the parade who looked even the slightest bit strange in their opinions.

I started to open my mouth to talk back to them.

The problem is that I would have bought into the crap, heckling them back for their thick thighs in their too short green skirts. Their spazmatic dancing with one another in a mocking version of some of the people in the parade.

I would have, in essence, added to the problem.

So instead, I pointed at all the different looking people and pointed and whispered in Midget’s ear, "Isn’t that cool?" or "Look at him go!"



I know this isn’t the Zara that you’re used to. Normally I breathe venom when annoyed. I still do, on a regular basis, when I should know better.

But I’m trying. It’s like Eddie Murphy walking in a panic through a parking garage in BOWFINGER, frantically chanting, "Keepin’ it together! Keepin’ it together!"

I hope everyone can join me in the way that they used to when I would sic them on the poor, pitiful souls who would annoy me in the past.

I’m trying to teach duck... water... back.

Stand up for the weak. Don’t terrorize in return. And above all, attempt to walk as positive a path as possible.

I know what you’re thinking... "Zara, you dirty hippie."

Well, maybe I’m a hippie. I’m just trying to feel a little less dirty.

8:38 PM - 78 Comments - 93 Kudos - Add Comment

Is "Fag" All You’ve Got?
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

(I seriously considered writing about this for quite some time before deciding that I wanted to throw my opinion (and limited first-hand knowledge) in. I am actually pretty disgusted that I will have to start out this piece by stating that I am not writing it for attention for myself. I am just putting on my jewelry and lipstick, if you will, to express myself and cave a little to the lions.)



On February 12th, 2008, a 14-year old boy by the name of Brandon McInerney walked into the classroom of fellow student Lawrence King, 15, and shot him twice in the back of the head.

This was two days into our national "Random Acts of Kindness" week.

Two days after the shooting, on our national day of "love" - Valentine's Day -  King was pronounced dead.

The school that the two boys attended was E.O. Green Junior High School in Oxnard, California. It was the junior high on the other side of town from where I attended (the now defunct Haydock Jr High). Just up the road from E.O. Green is Blackstock Junior High School in Pt. Hueneme, where my mother has worked as an eighth grade teacher for over 25 years.

At the time of the shooting, the school went into a full lock-down. None of the teachers who were in other classrooms were alerted to what was going on while the police started their search for the shooter. Children in class with cell phones began to text messages home and the school was swarmed with parents who wanted to come retrieve their kids, still not knowing what exactly had happened. The intercoms were not used to tell anyone what was going on. The phone system between classes was shut down as well. One of my mother's friends who teaches at Green received a call from her daughter living in Georgia asking her if she was alright and that there was a shooting being reported at the school on TV already. Unbeknownst to one of the actual teachers working there.

On the evening of February 15th, there was a candlelit vigil held in Ventura in respect of Lawrence. On the 16th, over 1,000 people marched in his memory. *note* There have been a lot of words thrown around by a lot of people.

Concerned parents want to see metal detectors at the school. School officials want a better system of handling violent outbreaks. Public voices are crying for new hate crime laws.

Here are some of my own words:

Lawrence King was not someone I know. He was not someone that most people knew. He was someone who can now be related to, but only in the sense that it has been reported that he was mocked for wearing feminine jewelry and colored lipstick to school with his uniform. That he was declaring his homosexuality and individuality with pride.

He was also 15 years old and still attending junior high school. Held back a year because of learning problems. One of 5 children. The only one of those five that was given up to be a state ward (aka: put into foster care, Casa Pacifica, the place out here for those children with "mental problems and difficulties") because his behavior was considered too erratic and difficult for his natural family to deal with.

He is the dead son of a father who is now crying foul about people "not accepting his son." A man who couldn't find it in his heart to accept it himself. A man who is asking to be financially compensated for personal interviews with the press, funeral expenses, and a full-paid tuition for his youngest child.

It is suggested that King was killed by McInerney because he was attempting to flirt with the boy. That King was taunted for proudly proclaiming he was gay and that he liked McInerney. Many suggest that the younger boy, a GATE (Gifted and Talented Education) student who was living with his grandfather, was taunted just as much by the other kids with things like: "Ewww.... the faggot is in love with you! Are you the faggot's boyfriend??".

Teased? Taunted? Apparently pushed too far?

It kills me that the family that Brandon wasn't living with decided to show up at his initial hearing and cause a scene about the decision to have Brandon tried as an adult. That a family who would make guns so readily accessible to a teenager would suddenly cry foul.

Trying him as an adult is too harsh!!

But pre-meditating the murder of another human being isn't?

What really gets my stomach in knots is how we are far too much of a REactive society instead of being a PROactive one.

Of course it's easy for the parents to suggest that metal detectors get installed in schools. That's simpler than them teaching the consistent, everyday lesson that you don't mock another human being just because they're a little different.

Of course it's easy for the administrators to ask the state for more money to run drill "in case something like this happens again." Because instead of worrying about being prepared for the next time, it's harder to pay attention to the complaints of the "difficult" kids who are crying out for a preemptive drill about kindness.

Saddest of all, there are the kids who keep too quiet about what's really happening, having learned at one point or possibly several that most adults will brush off the abuse as regular childhood taunting. To "be the bigger person." To essentially deal with it themselves. Which apparently was what King was trying to do.

I would never wish the closet on anyone, but I know that I used to hide in mine when I was a kid to avoid my problems. My closet was real and not theoretical, but being a teenager is fucking hard. Junior high school in particular, that transitional period where you're finally seen by adults as having hormones (as opposed to them shutting their eyes to pubescent changes in children in grade school), was torturous. Awkward, socially-ill-fitted, we all had our issues when we were that age. We all would pass by the high school and wish we could be with the big kids and get the petty crap over with.

I grew up in Oxnard, known for its large Catholic population. But I also don't remember growing up with such hatred towards kids that were gay. It just wasn't something people came out about in junior high. Instead, kids were teased for being "different."

Thing is, "different" was in the eye of the beholder. There were the kids that were more overt in their impending outings, but there were also the kids who were teased for wearing all black clothing. Kids who were teased for doing TOO well in school. Kids who were teased for wearing weird clothes and make-up.

I was one of those kids. I'd wear blue lipstick and a jean jacket that I'd sewn Barbie clothes on one arm of and green, plastic Army men on the back of in the shape of a peace symbol. I was too smart for my own good and was condescending to the kids who I knew weren't sharp. I wasn't just a weird kid, I was a fucking obnoxious one.

And I got beat up a few times for it. There were times where I out-ran would-be attackers, times when I fought back decently and others where I had my ass handed to me.

Yet I was the kid who also embraced other weirdos. Because even if I wasn't goth or wasn't gay or wasn't punk, or any other clique that received tormenting, I understood how shitty it was to be a rainbow in a sea of gray.

Yet sadly, violence seems to be something that still goes along with childhood.

Talking with my mom about what happened, she sighed and recalled a kid in her class from more than 10 years ago. Another boy who wore lipstick and dramatic clothing, back before the instituting of uniforms came into place (because those were supposed to solve so much, remember?) that reminded her of Lawrence King. She remembered the boy trying to flirt with another kid in class and being rejected. After which, when taunted about being gay, the young man would play into the taunts and simulate fellatio on his pencil, in that twisted form of agreeing with attackers that happens, hoping that grossing them out will keep them away. My mom said that the boys still chased this kid down and beat him up on a weekly basis.

Where my mom and I differ is that she isn't of the opinion that what happened was a "hate crime." That boys being gross and inviting confrontation has less to do with their sexual orientation and more to do with their personality.

And to an extent, I agree with her.

You see, I firmly believe that Lawrence King was killed as a result of proclaiming himself openly gay and that by doing so was killed for that reason. That his death was a result of fear and hatred of what was misunderstood. I believe that Brandon McInerney was a smart kid who knew right from wrong, even if he was taught a skewed understanding of those two points.

I also agree that it is in a person's personality that violence seems drawn to. I was a flagrantly obnoxious kid who deserved to chased around for being an asshole. Hell, I'm still pretty damn obnoxious and act proud of the fact. I invite abuse and negative feedback. In a way, I always have. Why? Well... I'm not entirely sure. But I understand the point my mom was trying to make by saying that if you're an asshole, people will pick up on that and take issue with it.

In light of King's murder, I will NOT call him an asshole. I stated earlier that I didn't know the kid. And I will NOT agree UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES that people should have license to be abusive.

But I do think the kid was doing what he could to ward off the lions, be they real or theoretical.

Because the people who could have stepped in to help him with it a little more - all of us, every single one, even those who didn't know him - didn't.

We should all just be better people. We should all teach our children to be more accepting. We should stop, look, listen and pay attention more.

We should all practice being more proactive. We should all practice more random acts of kindness.

Because we can't bring back the dead. And counting the "coulda, woulda, shouldas" is like counting those dots in the tiles on the junior high school classroom ceilings. At one point you lose count, have to start all over again, and it becomes an endless, meaningless task. When you should have been paying attention to what the teacher was saying instead.

Instead of writing a piece of e-hate-mail, why not write something randomly nice to a stranger?

Why not stop to tell a teenage girl that she has pretty eyes, even though you've been one of those assholes (hey, I've done it myself) who reposted the bulletin about how the girls who do all angle shots on MySpazz are fat?

Why not stop and ask a kid with a Mohawk, in all earnestness, how she/he gets it to stand up that high, rather than snicker behind her/his back?

Why not stop to question that kid who's crying if he/she is OK?

Instead of marching in a tribute, why not talk with your children about how differences aren't life-threatening. Why not teach them that the tingle the think they feel isn't fear but healthy curiosity?

Why not? And why not on a more consistent basis than we do to stop to get a blended mocha, go to the movies or complain about how we got cut off in traffic?

Rather than judge what could have been, what should have been, or even take the time to comment that I'm an asshole for my opinion, that I must be writing this for the popularity, that no one (especially not me) could ever be sincere in their motivations...

Just try.

Just one random act. Even if it is a week late. Because really... it's never too late.






Some other sources for you to check out, if you'd like.

LA Times (2/20/08)

The Advocate (2/20/08)

Washington Blade (2/20/08)

Camp (Kansas City) (2/20/08)

Tom Gregory's Thoughts

7:10 AM - 92 Comments - 171 Kudos - Add Comment

Just For Shits & Giggles
Category: Life

Hey.

I've just got a wild hair up my ass and felt like posting a blog about nothing. Why?

Because I can.

See, life has a way of evolving. The image that went along with the old blogging has died. I am no longer that girl, that woman, that bitch, that whatever you'd like to call me.

And yet I'm still very much her. Or I should say that she is still very much a part of me.

I write this blog to you from a new apartment. It is shared with the Midget and a ManPerson. At the beginning of the blogging bullshit, he wrote me an email. I responded because I thought he was kind of cute. We exchanged numbers and remained friends for about a year and a half before meeting.

And that's when the magic happened. Hahahahaha.... Yeah, sorry. No matter how wonderful he might be, I'm still never going to be that openly stupid romantic.

It's been about a year since I "quit" blogging here on MySpazz. I would write on occasion over at my own site but a few months back just asked Brandon to pull it offline because of the same old stupid bullshit.

And since I'm not the same old stupid bitch, no matter how much some people NEED me to be, I just yanked the rug and kept motoring on.

See, most of the people who write blogs for the popularity here on The Spazz are really rather boring people trying to talk themselves into being more interesting than they really are. I know this firsthand. It's just that we're better with words than other people, so we can do the dance, sprinkle the snake oil and make us a sale.

I love to write and will continue to do so for as long as I breathe. It occupies my time and fills in the empty spaces for me.

I've met a lot of great people through this box. A lot of REALLY great people that have given my life new definition. I even found one that does my laundry and fucks me properly every night.

I've also met more assholes than most people get to take pictures of at the zoo. When stuff stopped surprising me, I stopped wanting to play along, ya dig?

One day I'll write about all of it. In the meantime, I watch too many movies, write reviews, argue with incompetent/ignorant/untalented co-columnists whenever the mood amuses me and keep a private profile to share the aspects of my life that defy words.

Here's one that I will share:








It's pretty radical.


Be Awesome to one another. Don't forget to look me up at the normal places.

Oh, and the ManPerson believes in "Shit Dust." That being, when you fart, there are particles of shit-like material which blow out of your ass.

Now THAT'S interesting.

9:19 PM - 113 Comments - 222 Kudos - Add Comment

Write a Blog? Beware of the New CTD (Comment Transmitted Disease)
Category: MySpace

This isn't going to be a patented AwesomeZara rant. No blowjobs will get mentioned. No rambling about how much I hate people and the depths of stupidity that they've lowered themselves to.

No, I'm just going to be informative.

The Myspazz profile for MatchFlick.com, the movie website that I work for, was recently infested. Hacked. Fucked all to hell. In a way that most people aren't thinking about.

They did it through the comment section of our blog.

Looks like having the option of leaving blogs open for public commenting has come to an end. Someone (not a profile on the friend list) left a comment that turned ALL of the links into a giant clusterfuck, redirecting to a page about ringtones.

When I tried to delete the comments, it redirected.

When I tried to click on the profile to block it, it redirected.

When I tried to remove the post, it redirected.

I had to delete the post through the "Safe Mode" in order to finally be rid of that shit.

A short time back I changed the settings on this blog so that you can only comment if you're on my friend list as well as removing the option of HTML comments. It sucks that this needs to get done.

I miss the days when people properly harassed my posts, leaving me scathing comments about how ugly and stupid I was or how self-important and full of mindless drivel my writing was. Now the people doing the most damage are fucking up profiles and computers instead of my fragile little ego.

ON ANOTHER NOTE:

I've had issues recently with being repeatedly told that my profile was phished (this was a message on my home page, although I'm just waiting for the hackers to fuck that up also). So if anyone was trying to get in touch with me, I'm sorry that I haven't been able to respond. I was limited to bulletin posting only.

I will also repeat myself for the record that I do not log onto Myspazz during the afternoons anymore. While I have access to a computer while at work, it has Myspazz (and now what they consider to be their new scourge - youtube) blocked. So I do all of my correspondence through MatchFlick.com.

You can send me messages over there, comment on my reviews, write your own reviews and receive comments from me as well as the other users. I have not as of yet heard of a school or workplace blocking MatchFlick.

So if you want to be guaranteed that I will communicate with you - come on over!

You'd be surprised that with the thousands of movie reviews that the site already has, there are still some major movies that need to be given the once over. ***You can SAFELY click on all of the pictures below and get directed to their page.***

Movies Like:

    


    


    


    


    


And quite literally thousands more. Hell, if you ever go over there and see that we're missing a movie in our database, I'll add it for you.

So... be careful with your blogs. Ours was found from some person randomly flipping through the rankings (although that one never ranks very high). They are hoping to target people who have links in their blogs.

And dammit... get your asses over to MatchFlick. You know you get bored and end up writing a shitload of crap in those surveys. Come over and write a movie review or two. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be your opinion. Plus you're more likely to get immediate attention from me over there as well. (Well, aside from Fridays when I'm out "in the field.")

There's also a prize package for the first person who can construct a Wikipedia page for the site (and not have it get deleted immediately). Contact me over at MatchFlick if you're interested in that.

And being that it's Friday, for old times' sake, here's a random mini-version of the old 5 for Friday:


Who are the Top 5 People that Currently Make you More Interested in Seeing a New Movie?

Mine are:

1) The Holy Trinity (yes, this counts as one). That being Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. If you haven't gotten out to see HOT FUZZ yet - shame on you.

2) Shia LaBeouf - I still need to go see DISTURBIA, but the kid is going to be in TRANSFORMERS. And he's cute as hell. And his name translates into "The Beef." Enough said.

3) Paul Rudd - The man just keeps churning out these smaller roles where he completely takes over the scenes that he's in. Look for him as the harried husband in the new Judd Apatow movie KNOCKED UP.

4) Chris Pine - Most people might remember him from the lousy JUST MY LUCK flick with Lindsay Lohan. I remember him as being the most kickass of the Tremor brothers in SMOKIN' ACES. He's set to star in a movie called BLIND DATING where he plays - you guessed it - a blind dude. I think this guy has "future Brad Pitt" written all over him.

5) Sarah Polley - Sure, I've liked her for a long time. But this summer she's releasing her directorial debut, AWAY FROM HER. This talented bitch also wrote the screenplay. Ventures like this are worth spending your money on.



Have a great Friday. Get off your asses this weekend and go see HOT FUZZ. Then come back to MatchFlick and write up a review about it. I'll be frothing at the mouth to comment on it.

6:47 AM - 91 Comments - 75 Kudos - Add Comment

One Time Only Limited Engagement
Category: Friends

Loopholes.

Hell, let's just talk about holes. Holes in our minds, holes in our hearts, holes in the fabric of our souls and all the other froufrou poetic bullshit like that.

The last time that I posted on this account, I left open a loophole for me to post on it in the future. That loophole has since been sewn shut. Things happen, things suck. What can you do about it?

It leads me around to how much I hate women. I think in the past I was fairly clear about how I don't have a very high level of respect for them, including myself. I hate when I act girlie, I hate when my actions and reactions are based on a purely hormonal instinct. I simply hate women.

Let's start off with a woman's desire to please. The willingness to bend over backward in the attempt to keep people from hating them, that if a person dares to say that they're not fond of a woman, even if she doesn't know or like that person, she'll still fuss over the circumstances leading up to why.

Who should give that big of a fuck if someone doesn't like you? Oh, and I just love when women put on this grand show that it doesn't, thus proving in their elaborate attempts to showcase how they don't care that in reality it's the only thing that they can think about. People pleasers are generally of the female variety. Over-achievers and Rachel Ray little cloned beams of sunlight.

What the fuck ever.

I hate how women are insanely insecure. Let's hold myself up as a prime example. There is never a point where I ever feel good enough. EVER. I've never felt smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough, enough of enough. Even when riding high on a good day, I will go in search of something that proves that I'm really just shit by comparison.

And in the midst of a bad day, I will go in search of punishment, being the glutton that I am for it.

I hate being a girlfriend so much so that I avoid really connecting with a man. I hate the jealousy and feelings of inadequacy that creep up and turn me into a beast from hell, suspicious and catty and mean-spirited. I hate that I don't want to make my boyfriend the center of my world because of the implications of that, how it would give him power and how I hate giving over power and yet my female sensibilities tell me that I should. And then I hate that I seemingly make him the center of my world anyway.

But even moreso, I hate girlfriends. I hate male friends having girlfriends and not being allowed to talk to them. I hate how girlfriends change everything. The way you talk, the way you hang out. I hate that those changes destroy a friendship. I hate having something so great be yanked away. I hate that the compromises that you have to make to try and salvage that friendship turn it into something that makes it a shadow of what it once was.

I hate how hard it is to walk away from that.

I hate that I will eventually get over it. Because I don't want to get over it. That I will eventually forget, that the memory will fade. Because it should never fade. That eventually feelings of nostalgia will appear as a preservation technique of the brain.

And you know what? Nostalgia fucking sucks. I don't want nostalgia. I don't want to look back on my fucking friendships like I look back on how kitschy a David Lee Roth video was. I don't want shit to be reduced to that.

 So instead, I hate women. I hate girlfriends. I hate myself.

And I hate fucking loopholes. But at least there are none floating open in the air anymore.






So, to lighten things up after depressing everyone with my lack of loopholes, here are some of the quotes that were in a book Midget recently received. (Thanks Sammy, it finally made it.)


"Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you anywhere."

"Great spirits have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds."
            
                    - Albert Einstein


"Anything's possible if you've got enough nerve."

                    - JK Rowling


"The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire."

                    - Oprah


"Reality leaves a lot to the imagination."

                    - John Lennon


"If you don't know where you are going, you can never get lost."

                    - Herb Cohen


"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

                    - Dr Suess


"If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun."

                    - Katherine Hepburn


"Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it."

                    - Tallulah Bankhead.




Carry on.


Oh, and on your way out, don't forget to read my latest column and click on the "Digg it!" button at the bottom.

Behold and Embrace the Crappiness!!

7:04 AM - 518 Comments - 296 Kudos - Add Comment

Surprise!
Category: Blogging

I quit.






I've debated how to write this out for some time now. I could launch into an explanation of how I started doing this massive blogging thing a year ago, sending out my first random blog invites over the course of this week in 2006.

I could explain how I've met some really incredible people whom I never would have met if I hadn't have decided to rip my guts open and spill them out on the electronic page.

I could talk about all of the drama, the ups and downs, or give advice to wanna-be up and comers.

All of it would be true. All of it I've mentioned previously, in blogs that will remain up on this site. If you want to read about all that, feel free to peruse my blog archives here.

Mainly, I want to tell you all that I appreciate each and every one of you.

Every person who has shared their stories with me, either through comments or private e-mails.

Every person who has gotten pissed over something I wrote and sworn they would never read my shit ever again.

Every teenager who has come to me for advice.

Every adult who has come for advice as well.

Every person who has realized that I'm more clueless than everyone else combined and has never come to me for advice.

Maintaining a blog on Myspazz is frustratingly time-consuming. For all of the bonuses, the amount of time that it robs from me is keeping me from doing the other things in life that I need and want to get done.

For every person who has said that they would read something of mine if it was published, I need to get off Myspazz to actually write something worthy of getting published. I need to concentrate on some writing that will make me money.

I'm not so stupid as to not understand that without the audience that I built up here I never would have gotten some of the paid writing gigs that I have other places. I never knew the power that this place held when I started. I don't think anyone did.

But now everyone does. It's maddening, all of the bullshit adolescent drama that goes on. I've got too many other things to worry about to have to deal with all of that anymore.

So to sum it all up:

I have not quit writing, just quit posting on Myspazz. I will be pursuing my writing online solely through these sites from now on:


WWW.AWESOMEZARA.COM

<p align="center"><br><a href="http://www.awesomezara.com/"><img src="http://i51.photobucket.com/albums/f365/ikilledbill2/AZ.gif"></a>

<p align="center"><br><a href="http://www.awesomezara.com/"><img src="http://i51.photobucket.com/albums/f365/ikilledbill2/zaraimagefinalorange.jpg"></a>

<p align="center"><br><a href="http://www.awesomezara.com/"><img src="http://i51.photobucket.com/albums/f365/ikilledbill2/zaraimagefinalgreen.jpg"></a>

WWW.JOBLO.COM

<p align="center"><br><a href="http://joblo.com/the-bottom-shelf-85"><img src="http://i51.photobucket.com/albums/f365/ikilledbill2/bottomshelf-header.jpg"></a>

WWW.MATCHFLICK.COM

<p align="center"><br><a href="http://www.matchflick.com/column/1243"><img src="http://i51.photobucket.com/albums/f365/ikilledbill2/flick.jpg"></a>

For those of you who have been cool enough to paste my subscribe button onto their profile page, I would really appreciate it if you would switch it out for one of the www.awesomezara.com buttons.


It's important that I say that because I do not plan on coming back to post on this profile.

Ever.

The profile will remain active and I will be visiting it on a regular (most likely daily) basis. If you have any questions that you would like to ask me, you are always more than welcome to e-mail me here. I will do my damnedest to help you out with whatever you need and because I will have some spare breathing time, I will actually be able to follow through on my word better.

The only time you will see a new post on here from me is if my loophole comes through.

For the record, I have only one loophole: If and when the day comes that I meet Jeff in person, I will get it on video and post that video on here. After all he's done for me, he is most certainly worthy of more holes than just my loop. But the loophole is the best and rarest of all the holes and so he shall be the one it is granted to.

I'm getting weird. Ha! Who am I kidding? I've always been weird.

I will be continuing to do my online radio show, including a show that will air tonight.




If you click on the above graphic, it will take you to my profile page at www.blogtalkradio.com.

Click on "Segments" to check out what I have on deck.

For tonight, the show airs at 5 pm PST. The number to call in is (646) 915-8519. You can also (sort-of) reach me through AIM at the screenname: midgetreview.

I will update my blog post that features a link to the radio show and is contained within my archived blogs. A current show will also continue to run on my profile page.





If I keep going, I'll just delve into sappy sentimentality. I'm already crying while writing this as it is.

So...

THANK YOU.

Everyone.

For everything.

THANKS.



Much Love,

Zara

7:03 AM - 455 Comments - 669 Kudos - Add Comment

How to Access Myspazz When It's Blocked
Category: MySpace

They're called proxies.

There are several websites dedicated to helping you get through the blocks put up at work and school. Essentially what they do is feed the website that you want to go to through a different URL so that it fools the computer system. If the filtering program that's being used is especially stringent, sometimes even proxies won't work.

I've tried out several in the last few months due to the fact that my day job allows me access to computers at the local Jr College but that the college decided to block Myspazz when they discovered that the students would just spend hours on end looking through profiles rather than using the computers for study purposes. Since I'm there just to pass the time while my group is doing their classwork, I see no problem with keeping up with my comments on The Spazz.

The proxy that I like best is www.spondoo.com.

This is the main box that you're going to see when you enter the site:




After entering the blocked URL that you wish to visit (essentially, Myspazz) make sure to uncheck the "Remove Scripts" button. I'm not sure exactly what it means or what it's supposed to do but I do know that if it's checked you won't be able to leaf through your pages of e-mails or my pages of comments.

So, the main upside to the site is that it allows you access. Here are the downsides:

1) You cannot reply to e-mails.

Oh, you can start an e-mail to someone, but if there's a message from some one in your box, you can't click on reply to answer them. It's the main reason why I wasn't getting into my mail when using the proxy at work. I had a bad habit of reading the e-mails and then forgetting to respond to them later in the day when I had the chance.

2) You cannot post bulletins or blogs

You also can't edit your blogs either. So it was especially frustrating seeing an error on a post that I'd made in the morning that I couldn't fix until later in the day. I can live without these most of the time, but I know that there are people who use The Spazz mainly to pass the time and bulletin spamming is part of that.

3) Everything was getting pushed to the side

I don't know if it was just with the computers that I was using at the school, but everytime that I opened an e-mail, all of the info was pushed to the far left. Doesn't sound like all that big of a deal until you realize that there is an ad banner on the left which blocks you being able to see half of the text. If you refresh a few times you can get an ad that won't block everything, but it's just another one of the downsides to not being able to access the website directly.

There are upsides to using the proxy. Well, these are the things that I see as being upsides.

1) You can access all of the blogs you subscribe to

That's right. There's nothing hindering you from reading one of my posts. Or, if you'd really like to, the post of someone else.

2) You can comment to your heart's content

There's nothing stopping you from leaving picture comments, profile comments or blog comments. You can reply to blog comments as well.

3) Access to groups and music

Not that I go into them a lot when I'm using the proxy, but when I checked, you were able to access your groups as well as go to all the music pages and listen to music as well. Videos are also accessible.


I'm going to be back at the Jr College as of next week, so Spondoo will become my strained friendship once again. I know it's not perfect, but it does serve its purpose for the most part.


If you have any other questions about proxies... ask someone who's better inclined with computers. I'm barely computer literate and this is the extent of what I've been able to figure out.

4:13 PM - 106 Comments - 161 Kudos - Add Comment

Something for the truly dedicated
Category: Writing and Poetry

Mindfuck


<3


Z

10:12 AM - 169 Comments - 247 Kudos - Add Comment

The Myspazz Blog Reader Etiquette Guide
Category: Blogging

Issues abound on Myspazz. People break up with one another through status changes, friends bitch one another out through bulletins, and then, well, there's blogs.

Most people who write in their blogs write personal entries. Then there are those of us who do so on a regular basis as a way of entertaining people or perhaps just getting our jollies at seeing how many kudos we can get from random strangers. Point is, if you've got more than 20 comments where half of them AREN'T from you, chances are you have an audience of readers.

Whenever there is a group of people doing anything, problems begin to pop up. Who is left to regulate those issues? The people writing the blogs are busy enough trying to keep up their writing and correspondences to have to stop and repeat themselves over and over as to what is improper protocol.

So, I thought I would devise a set of basic rules for those of you who read blogs. Some of these things I thought were common sense items, but as I've discovered, when you leave common sense up to a group of people, well.... shit happens.

I now present:

DO NOT COPY/PASTE THE BLOGS OF OTHER WRITERS INTO YOUR OWN BLOG


It might not seem like it, but we work hard at maintaining our entries detailing the perfect blowjob, proper way to perform anal and guides to threesome manners. Our work takes imagination, time, energy, effort and robs from us moments when we might be able to engage in the things that we are writing about. Respect our hard work. It is rude to copy and paste our entire entries into your own blog.

Oh, and it's illegal. As rules of copyright protection are being expanded to include bloggers, what you might be copy/pasting could land you in a big fat lawsuit that you would end up on the losing side of. Whenever you get upset that a blogger sics their readers on you to do the dirty work, keep in mind that it could have been worse.


HOW TO SOLVE THE WANTING TO SHARE A BLOGGER'S WORK WITHOUT COPY/PASTING


Links. Links are always going to be the preferred method to showcase one of your favorite bloggers so that your friends know about them as well.

I like to also advocate the use of "word of mouth." You know which of your friends will appreciate a certain writer. E-mail them and tell them to go check somebody out. Tell them about a specific entry that you think they'll get a kick out of. Don't just paste it into your own blog and think that's an easier way for them to find it. It makes you a thief and shows them that you think they were too stupid to follow a link.



HOW TO INSERT A LINK INTO YOUR BLOG





If you click on the little round, blue, Earth looking symbol to the right of the tree symbol, a screen will pop up and allow you to enter a link location as well as give you an opportunity to name that link. This is the easiest way to insert a link into a blog.

On the off chance that that little window isn't working (it's been known to happen) or if you want to insert a link into a bulletin, you can hand enter the HTML code to do so.



The first one is a way to insert any link. The second shows you how to specifically link my blog.

Another way to share my blog is by copying the code in the box below and pasting it into a bulletin or anywhere on your profile, if you're really that hardcore of a fan.

<p align="center"><br><a href="http://www.awesomezara.com/"><img src="http://i51.photobucket.com/albums/f365/ikilledbill2/AZ.gif"></a>

Up to speed? OK, let's move on.



IF IN DOUBT, ASK PERMISSION


The one thing that will guarantee to piss a blogger off is to discover that you've lifted something without coming to them first. Most of us are really nice people who are completely approachable. All it takes is 5 seconds out of your day to send an e-mail and ask if you can use something. Most of the time we will accommodate you.

The problem with most of the people that I find who have reposted is that they 1) Didn't know that reposting was a "no-no" and 2) Have never e-mailed me or commented on my stuff.

While it seems impossible, we bloggers DO read all of your comments, recognize your default graphics (unless you change it every damn day) and screennames and know when you've been visiting our stuff. If you've never commented or e-mailed and you repost something, it looks highly suspicious and makes us believe that you are trying to pass off our work as your own. The biggest "no-no" of them all.



FIRST THINGS FIRST


I bet after all of my whining about how I don't like having my stuff reposted, you've finally come to the conclusion that my writing is important to me. I've talked with other bloggers and recognize that they share my line of thought. So, knowing this, why do some of you insist on fucking up the importance of our message with a "FIRST BITCHES!!" (or something akin to that) comment?

It's obnoxious, it's annoying and most of all: IT'S DISRESPECTFUL. It proves that you didn't read the post. I tried to figure out how to handle this irritating phenomena in different ways. I chastised it, I mocked it, I went along with it and assigned cookies (and later, boobs). Now I just ignore it.

Well, I delete the comments and sometimes block the users that leave them repeatedly, but I suppose that can all be chalked up to ignoring, right?

Please, if you really do enjoy the blogger, don't do this shit anymore.



TOP OF THE HEAP


While we're at it, I understand why there are some of you who want to be the first comment. It means that you are at the top and everyone else who stops by the post will see your name. It's free publicity on the back of someone else who actually worked their ass off to get to the top.

"Replying" to the first comment posted as a means to get your name at the top of the heap is another obnoxious move, although sneakier than the "First Bitches!" one. Don't fool yourself, we know what you're doing.

If your comment has NOTHING to do with the first comment left, don't pull this shit. I've been known to delete people who do this as a result. I've also been known to block them if it is a repeated tactic. It's disrespectful not only to the writer of the blog but to all of the other people who read and comment. You're essentially telling them that their opinion isn't as important as yours, even when you're not leaving an important comment in the first place.



RESPECT YOUR FELLOW READERS


Don't comment over them and push back the comments of those who waited their turn, but also have the decency to not get into a pissing match with someone.

I welcome debate among my blog entries and cherish the moments when a really good discussion gets going. But if all you plan on doing is telling someone that their opinion is stupid/lame/sucks and you have no means or intention of backing up WHY it's lame, then get lost. I will delete and block the people who are outright rude or bullying to any of my readers. I just don't need that shit.



RESPECT YOUR FELLOW BLOGGER



This is a touchy one for me. In the past, I've been known to criticize the habits of fellow bloggers on Myspazz. That's not what I'm getting at with this, though. Respecting me in this rule ties in with respecting my readers.

DO NOT use another blogger's kudos or comments to try and find an audience of your own.

It is rude to just randomly send invites to everyone on their list, especially if the comment they left reflects that they wouldn't be interested in your work.

If you're a regular on my blog, you'll notice that there are other commentators who are regulars as well. Many of you have become friends and started reading one another's blogs. This delights me to no end. I'm happy to bring like-minded people together.

But I refuse to support those people who spam e-mail my readers asking them to read their blogs when it is very clear that they have never read their responses to my posts. I am sick of getting e-mails from my readers telling me that commenting on my work gets them flooded with spam.

So, how to you go about finding readers? You actually READ the comments that people leave and interact with them from there. You go into interest groups and ask people to read your posts. You do random searches, taking the time to actually read the profiles before sending them an invite.

All of this is not a requirement, but it's a courtesy to those out there who you want to read your stuff. It's easy to GET readers. It's much harder to KEEP them unless you actually give a damn about them.



There are other, smaller issues sprinkled in between these things, but these are the main points. If you didn't know them before, hopefully now you understand.

At the end of the day, I even welcome the drama. Hell, without it, what the fuck would I have to write about?

11:28 AM - 294 Comments - 361 Kudos - Add Comment

You Dirty, Dirty Girl!
Category: Writing and Poetry

In the past I was known to break up my "regular" posts with poetry and the occasional short story. Well, allow me to clarify: the occasional short erotica story.

I've since stopped posting those naughty tales here and left them solely on my own website. If anyone is ever interested in reading something raunchy of mine, there is the place to find it.

I thought that I would create an index for some of my older work that is posted over there for some of the people who are looking for a way to pass the time on a lazy Sunday. My only warning is that my stories are graphic, so if hardcore sex doesn't do it for you, you might want to skip them (especially if you're at work).

1) Hot Lunch

This was inspired by my favorite hooker, a friend of mine who shared with me his affinity for straight razors. Although he did chew me out about the manhandling of the razor when he read this story.


2) Amongst The Stacks

Your classic geeky guy gets the hot chick fantasy, located in a comic book store. Men and women can appreciate this one. Inspired by my dear friend Craig, my favorite comic book store geek.


3) Stranger in the Park

Girl, late at night, looking for a way to seek revenge on her cheating boyfriend finds geeky-ish guy reading in the park and fun abounds. Inspired by my friend Tyler, one of the most incredible writers I know, who gave me the set-up and allowed me to run with it.


4) A Delicious Wake-Me-Up

Oral sex at its finest, or so I'd like to think. This was a time when I was stretching my personal style and looking to attack the story from a different angle, inspired after reading Nikki Gemmel's The Bride Stripped Bare.


5) For Old Time's Sake

Written after experiencing a near-orgasm from this, shall I call it,  kismet, connection with someone. It had been awhile since we'd had contact, hence the title.


6) Yummy

Who doesn't like a descriptive telling of a blowjob? Well, or of a subservient woman. Yeah, I thought so.


7) Tie Me Up

Bondage, in a whole different arena than most people are familiar with. This story was recently described to me as being "like Gerald's Game, but with a happy ending."


8) How to Fuck a Canuck

Well, ok...How to Fuck a Male Canadian. Written for a certain someone (you'd have to be mentally challenged or REALLY not paying attention to not know who) as a way for them to pass the time during boring workdays, this tale goes unfinished. But if you like it, I might very well pick it back up and add more to it.


Hope you enjoy your reading. I know that there are some of you out there who have read most, if not all of these, so bear with me if that's the case (although the Canadian one was recently added to my site today, so I suppose that statement isn't entirely true).

If - and ONLY if - you read ALL of the stories, I'd love to know which one of them was your favorite. You can leave it as a comment or answer the poll. But please only answer the poll if you've read them all and are sharing a true opinion.




As always, if any of you have any suggestions for a setting or a particular scene for my next erotica piece, please feel free to throw them at me.

BUT ABOVE ALL ELSE: DO NOT COPY/PASTE ANY OF MY WORK INTO YOUR OWN BLOGS. IT IS NOT OK WITH ME.

Think I said that loud enough? :) Just please respect me as a writer and not do that. If you really want to share something with a friend, give them the link to my blog instead.

Now go be sleazy like Sunday afternoon and evening.

11:25 AM - 47 Comments - 67 Kudos - Add Comment

Building Friction Index
Category: Writing and Poetry

For those of you who are new to my writing, you're probably more familiar with my social commentary rants. Not too long ago, I wrote a piece of fiction entitled "Building Friction" which was a fantasy of how I wanted certain things in my life to play out.

There are those people who got into it and some who didn't. This post is mainly to let you know that the work has been moved and to give you some easy access links to it if you'd like to read it again (or for the first time).

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven
Part Eight
Part Nine
Part Ten
Part Eleven
Part Twelve
Part Thirteen
Part Fourteen
Part Fifteen
Part Sixteen
Part Seventeen
Part Eighteen
Part Nineteen
Part Twenty
Part Twenty One
Part Twenty Two
Part Twenty Three
Part Twenty Four
Part Twenty Five
Part Twenty Six
Part Twenty Seven
Part Twenty Eight
Part Twenty Nine
Part Thirty
Part Thirty One
Part Thirty Two
Part Thirty Three
Part Thirty Four
Part Thirty Five
Part Thirty Six
Part Thirty Seven
Part Thirty Eight
Part Thirty Nine (Conclusion)

Thanks again to everyone. I hope you all are having a great weekend. If not, occupy yourself with some reading. :)

11:16 AM - 52 Comments - 78 Kudos - Add Comment

So You Wanna Be a Blogger? (Last in the series)

Normally I write everything in advance, especially when it comes to this series. After this week, I'm just not in the mood to do that. I wrestled with whether or not I should continue to give any more advice on how to blog for popularity since it seems like it's being misinterpreted.

Most of you who read my work don't seem to be all that interested in popularity. There's nothing more that I appreciate than hearing people say that they like to read my work just because they enjoy it. That's what I was looking for in the beginning, and it remains my greatest sense of pride. I love to hear that people find others to talk to and become friends with based on sharing similar opinions on topics that I've written about.

Is that pretentious of me to mention? Maybe. Should I not take pride in what I do? Perhaps.

I started writing and posting blogs for mass consumption back in January of this year in a competition with someone I admired. He was the first person to ever send me a blog invite. I didn't just blindly accept, I went and read his profile and some of his blog entries and then e-mailed him to ask why I'd gotten the request. He joked about it, I found his writing highly amusing, so I subscribed to the first blog written by someone that I wasn't "friends" with.

After IMing with him for a brief time, I thought to myself: "If he can do it, so can I." I issued a challenge to him. To see which one of us could get the most readers. I had no idea about the rankings at that time. I just wanted to beat his numbers as far as readership was concerned.

Not knowing what I was doing, I chose to start with my own friend list. I posted links to my blog, asking my friends to subscribe to me. There were already a healthy number who did, but I did manage to gain a few more. Then I started perusing random profiles. I didn't enter in any criteria and just looked over those people who popped up first. I actually read their profile, their blog entries and looked at their pictures. If they seemed like the kind of person that I thought would enjoy my writing, I sent them an invite.

I ended up with a great deal of e-mails asking me why I had sent an invite to them since they didn't know me. I was sincere in my response. "I'm looking for more people to read my work and give me feedback on it. You looked like a cool person who might like what I have to write about." Some would agree to subscribe. Some wouldn't. Some wanted to myfriend me. I met some of my most trusted never-met friends during those first few weeks of trolling for readers.

I also got e-mails in return telling me that I was (insert whatever horrible barely-literate insult you can imagine here) for sending an invite to someone that I didn't know. There were a few others who politely declined. Still, my readership was growing. By the end of the first week, I had almost 200 subscribers.

I discovered that if I went looking through blog groups, it was an easier way to access people's writing without having to look through profile pages and risk getting my browser crashed by over modified crap. It allowed me to read and see if people shared my style or appeared to be a reader. It also gave me quicker access to the "Invite to my Blog" button.

Around that time, the friend that I was in competition with (he'd long since cared to view it as a competition when I surpassed him in readers) told me of the rankings. On a day when we had both posted under the same category, he pointed out that I had ranked above him.

Well... don't give a highly competitive person a new avenue in which to compete.

I became rabid to do better in the rankings and started increasing my invites, including people that I didn't care about. I wanted to see how well I could do. If I was 10th one day, I wanted to be 8th the next day. It became an addiction. My personal life sucked, so this was a prime way to escape from it at night. Better than any reality television show. This was something that I could actually have some CONTROL over.

Right when I started to boom in numbers and do better, I received an e-mail from another blogger. I had no clue who he was, but it later was pointed out to me that he had been at this whole game much longer than I had. His e-mail consisted of saying asking how I could be on so many of his friend's subscription lists and yet he'd never heard of me.

I didn't pay it much mind. I suppose I should have. I was just too wrapped up in trying to self-promote. The first time I broke over 1,000 daily views, I was astounded. When the following 2 days I failed to meet that mark, I was disappointed. It is an addiction. And boy is it ugly.

By February, I'd managed to break into the top ten of overall blogs posted. The attention swarmed in. If you're ranked on that first page, you no longer have to go looking for people. People come looking for you. Other people also come HUNTING for you.

Those people who had been doing this blogging thing longer than me started to talk in their little circle. They mocked my writing. They were angry that I wasn't a "scratch my back and I'll scratch yours," blogger. I didn't spare myself time to read many other people. I was subscribed to over 200 writers at that time, but I couldn't keep up with reading all of them because I was too focused on doing my own work. This was not looked upon favorably.

I was a bitch, stuck-up, self-centered, egotistical, and self-serving according to them. All of which was true. You see, I've never discredited another person's opinion. While I might not whole-heartedly agree with it, a personal opinion can never really be "wrong." Thing was, they could have very easily been given all of these labels as well.

What got to me was that these very people who would mock me in their little in-circle of comments would still subscribe to me. They would invite my readers to their blogs. Many of my more loyal readers were those people who I had discovered in my initial searches. People who were unfamiliar with reading blogs written by people they didn't know. I held no claims to those people, but it bothered me that I was being used on one hand and being talked shit about on the other.

For those of you who think that getting into blogging for popularity is a good thing, think again. It's filled with an enormous amount of politics. Which team to play for, which egos you need to stroke, people who feel as if they are the "godfather" of blogging around here.

It's insanity.

So I threw a fit. I wrote inflammatory pieces about some of the blogging tactics employed and hinted at some of whom who used them. They stepped up and filled in the blanks as to who I was referring to. Funny, really. The ego that all of us have. They assumed that everyone who read my posts knew who I was referring to. They assumed that they were big enough to be known by everyone. In reality, like Matthew once pointed out to me, for every one person who hates you, there are a thousand who couldn't give a shit who you are.

I did what I did as a form of self-destruction. To figure out for myself why I was doing what I was doing. I lost a chunk of readers but that didn't phase me. It was simply the rats fleeing the ship, those people who didn't really like me but were just scratching in attempts for a return scratch. I lost the desire to keep writing and developed my own version of writer's block where I ended up writing a piece of fiction guaranteed to turn people off.

One day it came back to me. I really missed what I did. I wanted to write again and I felt as if I had something to say. I went back to looking for readers like I had in the beginning. Actually LOOKING at profiles. Reading blogs. Giving a fuck over who I invited. I promoted my work in interest groups and found more great people. I really liked what I was doing again.

Then I stopped ranking.

When I say stopped, I don't mean that I wasn't in the top ten. I mean, I was completely off the chart. Nothing. Nada. I had larger numbers than I had posted in the past and I was nowhere to be found. At first my paranoia kicked in and I thought that those who had grudges against me had done something. I was bitter that I was doing all this work and not getting noticed for it.

Then I got chewed out by a couple of good friends. I was reminded that I had a much larger reader base than most. I had more comments and more intelligent dialogue than many others combined several times over. I wasn't looking at the right picture. While it continued to irk me as to the reasoning for not ranking, the ranking itself ceased to matter.

That was about 6 weeks later. I consistently posted everyday, for my benefit as well as for those people who actually enjoyed what I wrote. About the same time was when I suddenly showed back up in the rankings. I didn't even know. I'd stopped checking. I had to be told by someone else, and he was more excited for me than I was.

Very shortly afterward, a huge ripple in the little pond that the other group of bloggers swam in appeared. Some unknown kid, someone who hadn't been doing things as long as they had, someone who couldn't have possibly earned his way into the rankings was trumping them. The accusations and the feet stomping and the angry, childish pouting began.

Cheating.

The kid had discovered that the blog rankings were based on views. Not the number of subscribers you had. Not the comments. Not the kudos.

Views.

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