An SV blog entry... who would’ve thought?
Current mood: amused
Category: Life

Haven't been on here in a REALLY long time. Wow, life changes, doesn't it?

It looks like the last time I was posting on this blog regularly, I was writing about Thai restaurants, fortune cookie fortunes, and my lame social life.

Now, a couple of years later, I live in the same house, and work at the same job, but my life is completely different.

I met and became involved with someone I met here on myspace. She started helping me with my music business, and quit her other job, and then we got married. Gosh, wow.

That's right, myspace weirdos... you actually MIGHT meet via myspace, the best person you've ever met in the world, and your life might actually completely change for the better. Pretty funny, eh?

I'm not going to post a big long something on here, but I thought it would be fun to post a little tiny something, just remembering how much fun I used to have on here, and what my life was like when I typed all those blogs. Maybe I'll visit here again soon, not sure... I actually have 3 other profiles I use from time to time, for music network-y kind of stuff. They're all visible through this profile, I think... there's the Hypnos Recordings profile (my record label), the M. Griffin profile (the name I use to record my ambient electronic music), and the Binary Records profile (it's sort of the electronica-flavored sub-label for Hypnos).

Cheers, all. So weird to be back here, typing in this little blog editor box again!

Currently listening : Sounds of a Universe Overheard By Jonathan Block

7:34 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

It's been so long!
Category: Life

Wow, I can't believe how much time has passed since I've written anything here.  In fact I haven't even logged-in since October or November, and prior to that I hadn't logged-in since July.

This place used to be one of my favorite places to hang out, blog, email, check out people's profiles, and banter with friends.  I didn't stop coming here for any reason other than getting busier with life... I mean, there was nothing like "I hereby reject myspace, and I'm never coming back!"  It's ironic that the biggest change in my life, that made it harder to find time for myspace, was that I started seeing somebody I met on myspace.

Long-time visitors to this blog (not that there have been many of you in the past 8 months for obvious reasons) will remember seeing Moxiegrl visit here many times, lots of comments on the blog and my pictures, and all the regular methods of communication particular to myspace.  Moxiegrl and I have been seeing each other since April and so much has happened, so much has changed, that it would take a hundred blogs literally to give any sense of the story.

Things are really great in my life right now, better than ever before in my life.  I miss this place a bit, but not as much as I thought I would, because my time has been so full of work and exercise and fun.  I'll probably visit here a bit more, I imagine, as things are about to get somewhat LESS busy for me, for a change... not for any bad reason, but because I'm about to have some help with my music business.

Also I'm creating a music page for myself (I record under the name M. Griffin) and my record label (Hypnos Recordings) and you'll find those profiles under my friends list if you want to check them out.  I may be spending more time communicating under those profiles, as a way of meeting new artists and spreading the word about the music, but I'll be on myspace a bit more one way or another.  It will probably make it easier for me to check out this profile more often, too, so I hope to be in touch once in a while with those of you who are my friends.  Not only are there myspace friends who haven't heard from me in all this time, but "real world" people including some of my oldest and closest friends that I haven't seen in a similarly long time. 

It's been such a long time, but time moves by so quickly!

Currently listening : The Most Distant Point Known By M Griffin/D Fulton Release date: 01 October, 2000

8:40 AM - 4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Thai-ing one on, part 9 - E-San Thai
Category: Food and Restaurants

A few people at work have been asking about the new Thai Thursday tradition Alan and I started, which, it should be noted, is already in addition to the Chipotle Tuesday tradition I started about a year and a half ago, which has grown to include a crowd of 7-8 of us every week.  So, in addition to Alan and I, and Todd who has come along the last two times, we also had another guy Kurt, our company's VP (who was featured in "Thai-ing one on, Part 2 -- Phathaya Thai" despite not being a huge Thai fan in general).

This week we went to E-San Thai.  There are two of these places, one of them right downtown a bit south of Kell's, and another one on NW Thurman and about 27th.  In the old days, when I lived on NW 23rd, I used to ride my mountain bike by this building every night, on my way up to the Leif Ericsson trail, but that was before E-San Thai was located there.  But Alan formerly worked for Freightliner, in their Montgomery Park office, and he said all the Freightliner geeks liked to go here very frequently.  In fact, once we sat down in the place, we saw a steady stream of Freightliner people, with their telltale "ID card on a string around the neck" on display.

This place is relatively small, maybe 10 tables, and is nice and clean and new inside, but has a serious problem with acoustics.  The parallel, unadorned walls, and the ceiling which was painted drywall at a 45 degree angle, created a weird echo chamber so that a handful of normal conversations resulted in a jarring, reverberating effect, something we all noticed and talked about.  I joked that an hour after we left, the other diners would still be able to listen to our conversation, over and over again.

But the waitresses were pleasant and attentive, the service was pretty good, and the list of lunch specials was longer and more varied than any other Thai place we've been... maybe 25 items to choose from. 

Of course Pad Kee Mow was available, so Alan had the usual Pad Kee Mow with chicken, medium, and I had the usual Pad Kee Mow with tofu, hot.  Todd had mussaman curry with chicken, hot and Kurt had something unidentified that looked like cashew chicken, medium, with white rice.  Kurt always tends to prefer the dishes that sound like Chinese food, and in fact he always asks for chopsticks even though I make fun of him.

The Pad Kee Mow was very good.  I was thinking mine was definitely above-average (though nowhere near as hot as last week) but Alan said "This is the best Pad Kee Mow I've had other than Thai Noon or Bai Tong," and he also said the medium-spicy at E-San was at least as spicy as last week at Thai Peacock.  I thought this was strange, because the "hot" at E-San was nowhere near as spicy as the "hot" at Thai Peacock.  I guess the deal is that Thai Peacock just has a really unusually big jump in how hot they make it, between medium and hot, while E-San has a smaller jump.

On the other hand (and I forgot about this until just now), Thai Peacock like most places just serves their food mild, medium or hot.  E-San makes it available mild, medium, hot, extra-hot, or extra-extra-hot.  So I guess at E-San, "hot" just means 3 stars out of 5 stars.  So next time, I'll try extra-hot.

Kurt was happy with his dish but didn't say much about it.  Todd'd curry looked quite spicy and interesting, and as I already said Alan really enjoyed his Pad Kee Mow. I'd characterize their Pad Kee Mow as being wetter than usual, with sauce collecting in the bottom of the dish, and also fairly sweet and with unusually wide noodles, maybe an inch and a half wide.  The vegetables included were the usual bell peppers, broccoli, onions and bean sprouts.

Yet another really great place, worth recommending.  Alan and I were both saying that with so many great new discoveries (E-San, Thai Noon, Chaba Thai, Thai Peacock) we feel absolutely zero inclination to go back to places like Thai Orchid and Lemongrass that don't do as good a job.  When I think about all the hundreds of times (literally) that I've been to Thai Orchid, I lament the lost opportunities to have dined at so many other great places.

Others coming up soon... Thai Thai II, Thanh Thao, Halo Thai, Bangkok Kitchen, Bahn Thai.

Oh, and my new girlfriend just moved in less than a block away from Beau Thai, so even though I've been there many times, I'll probably be eating there a bunch this summer, too. 

Also coming soon, a blog about that new girlfriend, who will be a familiar name to regular readers of my blog in the past.  Cheers to all from SV!

5:41 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Thai-ing one on, Part 8, Thai Peacock
Category: Food and Restaurants

As I've mentioned the Thai Thursday tradition to a few friends, and a few others have read this blog, I've received a number of recommendations for places to try. My friend Sorgina recommended Thai Peacock, which is a block or so from Powell's Books, on the other side of Burnside (something like 219 SW 9th, if you want to Mapquest it), on the corner just below Reading Frenzy.

This place was really crowded at lunch, and they directed us (three of us again, with not only my usual Thai Thursday buddy Alan in attendance but also Todd who went with us to Lemongrass last week) upstairs, where there's a little landing mostly made up of small tables for 2. The problem was, all the groups upstairs were parties of 3 or 4 or even 6, so they had to combine and recombine all the various small tables into clusters of tables suitable for larger groups. For us, the waitress combined two small tables, Alan and Todd each sat on one side, and I ended up "straddling the crack," if you can imagine that!

For readers of these "Thai-ing one on" blogs, it must come as a bit of an anti-climax to read each week that Alan and I both ordered Pad Kee Mow, his with chicken and mine with tofu. And we had salad rolls as well, and Todd had a mussaman curry (a darkish-yellow curry with potato chunks and carrots). Oh, and Alan ordered his medium, I ordered mine hot, and Todd forgot to specify how hot he wanted it so they apparently took that to mean "no spices whatsoever, milder than mild."

The salad rolls came with thick peanut sauce and were extremely small. Splitting one order between three people (at first we weren't sure Todd would have any, or we would have had two orders) was kind of a joke... two little bites per person. They tasted OK, nothing special, and were served with a thick peanut sauce topped with chopped peanuts.

After the salad rolls I expected the lunches to be a little on the mild side, and I was surprised to have one of the hottest, ass-kicking spicy plates of Thai food I've had in all my years. I mean, this was top-5 all-time spicy! I've had Pad Kee Mow ordered "hot" from Thai Orchid, to which I added maybe 5 tablespoons worth of hot chili sauce upon receiving it, and it still wasn't even close to as hot as this stuff. When they set my plate down, Alan said "Damn, looks hot!" because it not only had a lot of red pepper flakes visible throughout the mix, but a thick layer of peppers sprinkled over the top. Always fearless, I dug in, and after a few bites I said "Wow, this is serious stuff." I drank at least 10 glasses of water, and though I enjoyed every bit, it was quite the potent plate of Thai food. After having eaten hundreds of different Thai meals, I've come to recognize that the hottest dishes aren't necessarily the ones with the most visible red pepper flakes, or chili sauce. Often the hottest spices are less visible, for example some kind of ground Asian white pepper is a popular spice among some chefs, and it's relatively invisible as you're eating it. The Pad Kee Mow appeared relatively dry when it was placed in front of me, but it came with a large slice of fresh lime, and that juiced it all up and got the flavors flowing for me. Many places don't serve lime with Pad Kee Mow, but I think it helps.

I don't mean to make this whole thing about how hot and spicy the food was, because Alan said his medium-spicy Pad Kee Mow was no spicier than is ordinary for when he orders it medium. And Todd's curry was decidedly too mild. Neither one of them seemed over-excited about Thai Peacock, but my lunch kicked my ass to such a degree that I found myself raving about the place not only while we were eating, but for an hour afterward.

To me, extra-hot Thai food doesn't necessarily equate to being "the best" Thai food, otherwise I would always order my Thai food "hot," which I often pass up in favor of medium or medium-plus. But when you order it hot, at so many places (especially, for some reason, Thai Orchid) it doesn't really taste that spicy. It's nice to be in the mood for a hot, flavorful, almost dangerously spicy plate of food, and to have a restaurant willing to set down a plate of stuff as hot as this.

So, evalulating the meals Todd and Alan had, I'd say Thai Peacock was probably just a little better than average on this visit. But I thought my lunch was pretty noteworthy, and on that basis I'd recommend Thai Peacock a little more highly... maybe among the top 3 or 4 places we've gone for Thai Thursday. If you like your food spicy, I'd say you should give a little extra consideration to trying this place, and ordering your dish hot. I'm definitely interested enough to try this place again, especially when I'm right downtown, as there aren't a lot of great Thai restaurants betweeen NW 21st and the river.

10:40 PM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Thai-ing one on, Part 7, Lemongrass
Category: Food and Restaurants

This week was a return for me to one of the first Thai restaurants I ever tried in Portland, going back to the late 90s.  My usual "Thai Thursday" comrade Alan had never been there, and our co-worker Todd came along with us and he hadn't been there either.

I remember when I went there the first time, Thai food had just started to become popular and there were no more than a handful of Thai restaurants in Portland, but Lemongrass had a reputation for being "serious" Thai food, and also for extremely hot and spicy flavors.  I do recall my first visit there having some pretty hot food, and being "talked down" from ordering it hot or 3-stars, by a waiter who was pretty convinced their heat would rock my world.

Lemongrass is located on NE Couch and 19th, just off East Burnside in an old and fairly quiet suburban residential neighborhood a bit south of Laurelhurst.  As you drive up to the address it's easy to say "Where is this place, exactly?" because the house it's located in doesn't look any different from the other houses in the neighborhood, but there's a sign on the corner that says "Lemongrass," and only after I saw that did I remember this place.

As you walk into the place, you get a clear view into the side of the kitchen, with racks of silverware and utensils and cookware openly visible.  This didn't bother me too much, though it seemed a little odd, and Alan commented about somebody he knew who would instantly leave a restaurant if she could see into the kitchen.  Nobody came to seat us for a minute, then a woman (who appeared to be the cook) came running out breathlessly and said "I'm sorry, we're behind, someone will seat you!"  Then in a couple minutes, a guy who appeared to be a busboy seated us in a corner room (this is just a converted old house, with 3 different rooms all turned into an extended dining area) and the service continued this way, with a lot of rushing around, delays between visits to our table, and lots of apologies.  The service wasn't that bad or that slow, really, but it was funny that they were all so rushed and so continuously apologetic.

The dinner menu is pretty extensive (and expensive) but the lunch menu is extremely short... a couple of curries, a couple of stir-fries, and something they call "Thai noodle" which turns out to be pretty much just Pad Thai.  Most of the lunches are $12 to $14 which I'd say is about as expensive as things get in Portland, other than some of Typhoon's dishes.  The cheapest lunches were $9 and weren't especially large portions.

My quick and dirty impression of this place is, pretty good food, certainly above average, but there are so many other good Thai restaurants in Portland now that this place is resting on its laurels a bit.  It might be worth giving a try for dinner (though be warned, it's expensive... most entrees were near $20) as the menu is much broader, but I doubt I'd bother trying it for lunch given the extremely narrow options.  Nothing wrong here, but nothing would draw me back for lunch, and I don't feel too eagerly compelled to try their dinner, with all the other great (and much cheaper) places I've tried recently.

5:30 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Thai-ing one on, Part 6, Chaba Thai
Category: Food and Restaurants

I had to skip another week of Thai Thursday, with last week's deadly virus knockout blow (see "fly-like virus" blog).  But this week I was back to normal, relatively, and Alan and I tried the next place on our list.  It was Chaba Thai, on NE 58th and Sandy.

This place looks fairly unassuming from outside, and I've driven by it a million times, as it was on the route from my old Irvington place to the Parkrose Costco.  But inside, Chaba Thai is well-decorated and clean, with a busy, fast-moving and efficient waitstaff.  I didn't see anything unusual on the menu (other than that they offer their salad rolls, or "fresh rolls," with either tofu or "Chinese sausage" which is not only unusual but freakin' disgusting) and of course went for the standard first option: Pad Kee Mao with tofu.  I ordered mine medium rather than hot, since my stomach has been fried all week, since the sickness thing last week, and besides, this place had a smell that made me think their food would be spicier than usual.  That's right, a spicy-smelling Thai restaurant!

The salad rolls, or fresh rolls, were quite good (can't vouch for the disgusting Chinese sausage version) but not too noteworthy, served with peanut sauce with a little bit of a plum flavor.

The Pad Kee Mao was one of the best, full of a great variety of fresh vegetables, similar to Thai Noon.  There were quite a lot of onions and broccoli in mine, and it had a fairly light and fresh taste that I really enjoyed.  I'm looking forward to returning and trying the "hot" or even "extra hot" version.

A quick glance around the restaurant revealed a variety of stir fry and curry dishes that all looked fantastic.  The Pad Thai looked (as so often happens) a bit bland and gooey, like a big, slightly pinkish plate of sopping noodles with a few shrimp in it.  But people who order Pad Thai deserve what they get, anyway!

Another place that I'd highly recommend, and will return to try other items.

Currently listening : Felt Mountain By Goldfrapp Release date: 19 September, 2000

2:00 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Note to self
Category: Writing and Poetry

Currently listening : Red House Painters By Red House Painters Release date: 02 November, 1999

5:39 PM - 11 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment

The weeks-delayed visionary magic of the fortune-masters, again
Category: Life

This one is from a couple weeks back... just catching up.  The fortune masters never lie.



PS. I'm feeling much better today, everybody.

4:47 PM - 4 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Unbelievably awful flu-like virus thingie
Category: Life

Hi everybody! I've been an inactive blogger lately, due to a very busy last weekend, after which I was hit by this unbelievably awful illness. At first I thought it was strep throat, due to the extremely painful sore throat, but the doctor I visited told me he didn't think it was strep... but something worse. With strep, at least they can give you antibiotics and within a day or two, you're most of the way better. This is more similar to a flu, so I received no medicine, and was told "I know it's very painful but the sore throat should subside in a few days. But even after that, you need to take it easy and get rest and lots of fluids."

So, I have been in and our of feverish sleep for nearly 48 hours now, with brief little trips to work (I only made it for an hour before realizing it was a bad idea) and the doctor, as outlined above.

I blogged 2-3 months ago about the fact that I seemed to be getting sick a lot more often lately, and just when I was starting to think I'd taken the necessary steps -- more consistent sleep, better diet and supplements -- I get hit with this. To make matters worse, something goofy has been going on with my DSL and I've lacked the energy to hassle with Qwest on the phone about it, and have been getting by in the dishonorable way in the mean time... by piggybacking my neighbor's wireless network. I don't want to piss him off, so I'm not downloading any big files, just checking myspace and a few other sites here and there. But it will be a relief to have a fast and reliable connection to the internet again... was supposed to be fixed by 5 PM today and guess what? Qwest falls short of their promise yet again.

Anyway, I miss blogging, and miss commenting on others' blogs more, but I'll be back to it soon. Of course, having been sitting on the sidelines of life for a few days or so, I may not have anyting to blog about right away, unless I go get Thai food tomorrow (though at this point I'm not expecting to go to work at all Thursday), or maybe find a fortune cookie fortune somewhere.

Take care everybody... stay well, and think of me sleeping in sweaty, 30 minute blocks of sleep, in between which I try to hold my laptop at the right angle to receive the neighbor's Actiontec wireless router!

Currently listening : Ambient 4: On Land By Brian Eno Release date: 05 October, 2004

8:17 PM - 14 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

The fortune masters are always right, and that's a good thing
Category: Life

And then there's this one, from today.  I guess one project does spring to mind....   

5:13 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I've fallen behind, but do not wish to disrespect the fortune-masters
Category: Life

For a while, I didn't keep up with posting my new fortunes as fast as I received them.  Last Thursday (when I skipped the Thai Thursday at Sweet Basil... see yesterday's blog) I got this one, which seems to be good news... hmm, what could this pertain to? 

5:10 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Thai-ing one on, Part 5 - Sweet Basil
Category: Food and Restaurants

The normal weekly "Thai Thursday" excursion last week was disrupted when my co-worker Alan and I, this time bringing along a guy named Todd from our office, pulled up in front of Sweet Basil (NE 30th and Broadway or so), and received a cell phone call from our boss asking us to divert to PF Chang's downtown and meet him instead.  Which reminds me, I need to post the fortune I received that day!

So, today we resumed the Thai Thursday tradition, and Alan and I alone went out to Sweet Basil again.  This time, the cell phone did not ring as we parked, and we ended up actually going into Sweet Basil and ordering. 

The restaurant is located in a big old house right on Broadway, so you have the feeling of entering into a residence, though there's no question it's been completely remodeled and redecorated into a restaurant.  There's cool art on the walls, and the place has an above-average atmosphere and decor for a Thai restaurant.  On the other hand, a small herd of house flies were buzzing around the window next to our table, and getting kind of annoying, so Alan got up and grabbed a newspaper from the front station, rolled it up, and started some do-it-yourself extermination.

Regular readers of the "Thai-ing one on" blog series can probably guess what we both ordered.  That's right, I had Pad Kee Mao with tofu, Alan had Pad Kee Mao with chicken.  I had mine "wild" which is their equivalent of 4 stars and Alan had his "medium" which is the equivalent of... medium.  Neither of us thought the food was spicy enough, and what was worse, aside from the level of "hotness" or "spicyness" the food just didn't have a lot of flavor.  It was well-presented, attractive, and showed a lot of care.  In fact, I also really liked the texture of the noodles, some of which had been pan-seared for some blackness and even a little bit of crispness.  The dish overall had a dry-ish texture, which I didn't mind so much but Alan really wished it had more sauce on the noodles, and a bit more sweetness.

In my opinion, though, the flavor is the key to any restaurant, and at least for the Pad Kee Mao, the flavor was no better than average.  In fact, if the place hadn't put forth such a nice presentation, we might have judged it as below-average.

We also ordered salad rolls (for which they had some other weird name, some kind of "fresh wrap" or other) and again, they weren't bad, but they seemed to have the flavor turned down a few notches.  They were on the small side, and served with bland peanut sauce.  These might have been helped-out by the spicy sweet-and-sour sauce from Thai Noon.

Overall, this is one of those reviews that's kind of tough to write, because I didn't hate the place and don't want to warn people against it.  On the other hand, the various citations and awards this place has received, and the extremely busy crowds most dinner hours, indicate to me that Sweet Basil's reputation exceeds the quality of its offerings, at least to my taste.

Probably won't go back to this place again...

4:14 PM - 7 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

A list of lists
Category: Quiz/Survey

A list of lists (stolen from Evil Lis)

Thirteen random things you like:
1. That certain, special secret someone
2. The view behind my house
3. Loud music
4. Soft music
5. Dreaming of cool art that doesn't really exist
6. Good Scotch
7. Good wine
8. Having a party
9. Going running on a clear, cool day
10. Playing the hiding game with my cat
11. Discovering new places to get great food
12. Walking around in the city
13. Sleeping in my own bed after an uncomfortable night before

Twelve movies:
1. Lost Highway
2. The Ninth Configuration
3. 2001: A Space Odyssey
4. The Magnificent Ambersons
5. Neighbors
6. My Life as a House
7. Lord of the Rings (all of 'em)
8. Finding Nemo
9. A Clockwork Orange
10. Eraserhead
11. Prospero's Books
12. Frida

Eleven good bands or singers/musicians:
1. New Order
2. The Smiths
3. Sigur Ros
4. Devo
5. Love and Rockets
6. Frank Sinatra
7. Japan
8. The Blue Nile
9. AC/DC
10. The Clash
11. Bjork


Ten things about you, physically:
1. Dark hair
2. Dark eyes
3. HWP
4. Long fingers
5. Bike-racer thighs (even though I haven't raced in years)
6. Size 10 1/2 feet
7. Goofy smile
8. A scar on my wrist that looks like I tried to cut it (but a dog bit me)
9. A sore right knee
10. A big giant nose


Nine things about you, mentally/emotionally:
1. Hyper
2. Silly
3. Giving
4. Too empathetic
5. Hyper
6. Silly
7. Loyal
8. Enthusiastic
9. Sappy


Eight favorite drinks:
1. Glenlivet
2. Good Pinot Noir
3. Filtered water on ice
4. Diet Dr. Pepper
5. Good ale, like Samuel Smith's
6. Cran-raspberry
7. Pomegranate juice
8. Hot green tea


Seven things you wear daily:
1. Socks
2. Shoes
3. Underwear
4. Pants or shorts
5. One or more shirts
6. Deoderant
7. A little bit of hair spray


Six things that annoy you:
1. Nosy, controlling, meddling people
2. Excuse-makers
3. When my cat wakes me up really, really early for no reason
4. ...that's...
5. ...about...
6. ...all...


Five favorite foods:
1. Pad Kee Mao at Tuk Tuk Thai
2. Gambas Pil Pil and good bread at Fernando's
3. Calimari at Touche
4. Salad rolls (and also pad kee mao) at Bai Tong
5. Tomato and mushroom pizza


Four shows you watch:
1. Sopranos
2. Lost
3. ...that's...
4. ...it...


Three celebrities you have a crush on:
1. Sarah Silverman
2. Sarah Silverman
3. Sarah Silverman... OK, I like Sarah Silverman too


Two things you come in contact with everyday:
1. Papers
2. Emails


One song you like right now:
1. "She Sells Sanctuary" by The Cult

4:02 PM - 10 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

I'm not sure teal is my favorite kind of green, but OK...
Category: Quiz/Survey

You Are Teal Green

You are a one of a kind, original person. There's no one even close to being like you. Expressive and creative, you have a knack for making the impossible possible. While you are a bit offbeat, you don't scare people away with your quirks. Your warm personality nicely counteracts any strange habits you may have.

3:42 PM - 11 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Some sort of epic grandeur
Category: Life

I majored in English literature in college, and since that time my choice of "favorite author" has bounced back and forth between Ernest Hemingway (whose "The Sun Also Rises" I would most often call my favorite novel), and F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Though I may rank Hemingway higher for his body of work, which was broader and deeper and also sturdier than Fitzgerald's, I guess I would say that I have always identified more closely in a personal way, with Fitzgerald. Fitzgerald seemed more the romantic, more moved by his feelings and perceptions, more akin to Byron or Shelley or Keats, while Hemingway's persona was more stripped-down and lean, all about action and simplicity and no-nonsense. Whereas Hemingway loved fishing and bullfights, Fitzgerald loved poetry and clever conversation and champagne and jazz music.

Fitzgerald's life was profoundly tragic, as he was so caught up in his dreams of romance and glamour. At times it seems he was so much dreaming of what he might become, that he spent not enough time actually working to become it. Chasing after such dreams, he neglected the mundane and ordinary part of life, and his health and peace of mind suffered.

His insight was keen, and his male characters, which should be identified with the author himself, were always elegant, refined, sensitive to a fault, almost feminine. Their loves were intense and passionate and overwhelming, and always troubled, like the author's own relationship with his wife Zelda, who became almost as famous as he was himself.

I have always considered Fitzgerald tragic, though, because although he felt deeply, and although he undoubtedly achieved some success, the very sensitivity and romantic idealism that made his work so rich and poetic, also contributed to his erosion by the hard realities of life. All the drama of his marriage to Zelda, which mirrored the crazy mutually-assured destruction of Kurt Cobain and Courtney love, only 75 years earlier, gave him fuel for storytelling, and also broke him down in a way from which he would never recover.

My favorite biography of Fitzgerald is called "Some Sort of Epic Grandeur," and it was written by Matthew Bruccoli (a Fitzgerald expert who helped put together Fitzgerald's unfinished novel "The Last Tycoon"). The title refers to a quote from one of Fitzgerald's letters in which Fitzgerald tries to assess his own place in 20th century literature, and also I think sums up his approach to life, which is a dash of practical seriousness, overridden by a reaching for something out of the ordinary, grand, glamorous, and beyond the day-to-day reality of life. His quote:

"I am not a great man, but sometimes I think the impersonal and objective equality of my talent and the sacrifices of it, in pieces, to preserve its essential value has some sort of epic grandeur."

This hints for me at Fitzgerald's central world view, which is that generally, life and work will wear you down, but sometimes there is something better, at least a glimpse. Yes, sometimes life feels ordinary and mundane, but at other times it opens up, broadens, and things seem brighter and grander, conversations more clever and people more beautiful, and everything has a broader and more dramatic quality as if in a movie, a great novel, or a dream.

I have been thinking a lot of Fitzgerald lately, and how he inspired me especially in college, leading me to write a few novels during that time that were, undeniably in retrospect, very much in the style of Fitzgerald. Also I was led, like Fitzgerald, to always chase after the next party, the next clever words spoken before friends, inspired by drink. In those years, like Fitzgerald, I neglected the more basic concerns of living (job, family, home) in pursuit of a more glamorous or exciting life, as many people in their 20s do, preferring drinking and nightclubs and parties, to the plainer and decidedly less grand living of normal life. Also I cannot help but think that my choices of the women in my life, through my younger years, might have been influenced by the notion that it might be interesting and glamorous to be in love with a crazy person (though I certainly don't feel that way any longer).

In my 30s I turned back from that, lowered my expectations for a life worth writing about, applied myself to succeeding at my job, built a small business out of nothing, bought my first house and then my second. There was satisfaction in those things, and I still feel glad for having shifted my emphasis right around the time I turned 30.

Now, in my 40th year, I have often wished there could be a balance between both. I would like a life that includes the comfort and security of the choices I made in my 30s, with a return to the inspiring and poetic life, rich in art and friends and pleasures, that I enjoyed in my 20s. It should be possible to have both, shouldn't it? Not to live like Fitzgerald, hellbent for the next party, poisoning his body with liquor and wrecking his heart in a marriage to a person with mental problems. Nor to live like almost everyone else, pursuing only a decent credit rating and the best possible mortgage interest rate, a one week vacation in Florida every year and a spouse who's not too unattractive, and not too mean. Something more than that, the best of both worlds. Don't you think?

Currently listening : Behavior By Pet Shop Boys Release date: 16 October, 1990

6:32 PM - 6 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment