Proof That Love's Not Only Blind But Deaf
Current mood: weird

Today is like a wet break. I'm hyper. I'm drinking Coke. It's raining outside and I'm listening to N-Trance. GET IN.

We will carry on the shite music as I continue through the blog.

I've just been out for a walk, I sat by the sea for a while, fortunately I got back before it decided to piss it down for the umpteenth time today. There's something really soothing about rain, especially at work. I leaned out the window for ages staring at the sea, it looked all moody and beautiful, it was awesome! When I'm older I want a window seat overlooking some moody water somewhere.

Anyway, [kids in america just ended, to be followed by mucho mambo or sway as you may know it, the shaft version, I always remember my gran singing to it in the car because she knew it the first time around] this blog, fuck knows why i'm writing it, i'm in one of those moods.

It's been a weird day, I hate mondays, I hate working with Norah, not because I hate Norah, just because it's hard work. Please come back soon Nat, please. I don't like covering Mondays for you! At least Amber was in today, I like her, we've had dictionary lessons today although it scares me what the youth of today DO NOT KNOW. The word novel (as in novel concept) [love in a trashcan, The Ravonettes] escaped her.

JESUS.

Moving on. I'm still hyper. Oxjam contact details are through. They are all over. [Primal Scream, Miss Lucifer, FUCKING YES] Literally they're like in Manchester, Salford, Oldham, Ambleside, Barrown in Furness, Preston, ALL OVER. I'm going to have me some fun days out.

Shake it baby. We're going out tomorrow night, if anyone's about, get your asses down to PR1. Except you, you're not invited. [Nirvana, Rape Me...no, that's not an invitation and shouting suprise sex certainly doesn't excuse it].

What can I tell thee. I got my internship at the Arches, oh my golly gosh I'm in love with that venue. It's beautiful. It sort of represents me. In some kind of strange way. It's not for profit. It's about change. THEY LIKE CHANGE. It's in a gorgeous city. It's built into the archways of Glasgow, so you can imagine, it's beautiful. My eyes were on sticks. Sod the interview, just let me stare at the gorgeousness. Well, I will be in January. For three whole months.

Downside is, I will not be buying anymore sexy Monsoon skirts and no more bakelite jewellery, I'll have to be poor for MONTHS to afford to go, but it'll be so worth it. [Lady Sovereign, Pretty Vacant, shove the sex pistols, this one RULEZ]

So yes, I'll be moving to Glasgow. How will that work you ask, since your ex boyfriend lives in that town. Well. City. well, we've kinda been talking a little, we're being friendly, he's said he'll help me out when I go up there, looking for a place to stay and shit. It'll be reet. Like he said, in a city of 750,000 people, if I don't want to see him, I wont have to.

But I'm excited by it. It's a test. I've never lived in a huge fucking city before. And [catch you, kosheen, fuck yes] Preston's safe isn't it? It's what I know, what I know well, what I know I can do, people I know I can talk to. This is a test. If I can go to a city, and be ace then I can be ace anywhere. Muwahahah, god I'm evil tonight. But I think it's true to some extent, it'll demonstrate something to myself that I'm a little bit scared of.

I guess, everything that I've done in Preston, I've always thought happened by accident. Pluto is the fault of Ed Walker, Frequency is the fault of Mark Hudson, The Vagina Monologues was the fault of Aby Parsons, Campaigns at the Union were the fault of Jen Anderson, Oxjam is sort of the fault of the careers advisor, this one, this is all me. [Gravity's Rainbow, the klaxons, get the glowsticks ready trev]

So whilst I know, that everything I have learned, I have learned through damn hard work and a lot of mistakes, this time, I get to learn properly. From professionals. In a professional environment. Essentially I've gone and thrown myself of a cliff, and I'm dead excited about landing. WEIRDO.

[Not Over Yet...again, the klaxons, again, glowsticks AHOY] Anyway, the thing that scares me, is the people I won't know. Yeah Alan'll be up there, WOOT (sarcasm ahoy) but I'm going to miss SO MANY people. And I've never really thought about it until tonight.

Out walking, sat in my new thinking place, since UCLan decided to put the school of dentistry on the thinking place I inherited from Michael Burrows, I was thinking about how things have and haven't changed since I was last in Knobb End.

Things that have changed: I've met some amazing people. Who have ultimately changed who I am. And it's weird, because little by little, they've all tested me, made me giggle, made me cry [processed beats, kasabian], made me do silly things, made me rave to pier music, made me realise what I love and hate, made me a little less tolerant, but a little more so at the same time. Expanded my mind and expanded my music collection, made me want to be so much more, and yet, not realise when I've become what I wanted to become.

Weird is CERTAINLY the word for it. When I was at school, a girl called Vicki Horn once claimed I'd be a little career girl with a boy in every city. Well...I'm not far off. There's a few more cities to be conquered yet. But I've never been so sure of anything as I am of what I want to do with my life. And I may be going about it the very long way, but it's one hell of a long process of finding myself [love will tear us apart, joy division]and hating myself and changing the parts that I love and hate.

That's what I love about the world. And I keep saying this, it's like I'm trying to convince myself but really I know it. Through and through. I love change. I love how every year, people leave and people stay and we meet new people. I love how I go back to work and the basics are the same but the people are different. And that's why I'll love Oxjam, new people, new challenge, a charity that's IN LOVE with change.

[Jet, Are you gonna be my girl?] So anyway...I have some thank yous. Because it's getting to that time of year where you're all leaving me, you BASTARDS.

Okay, so who has come into my life. Alan I guess, for making me love Brit pop a little too much. For saying that Morrissey was good (anyone who'd like his address so that you can shoot him, let me know). For arguing with me. For making me realise what I can do, when I put my mind to it. If only I could be arsed.

[goldfrapp, strict machine]

Nick, who officially left yesterday. I guess, in some ways me and you are like Marmite towards each other. But my god I've never met anyone quite so arrogant and opinionated. I do however, have a rather nice publicity officer t-shirt. GET IN. I can pretend to be a member of UCLan Drama now. I think if anything, I changed you a bit. But you made me see the effect I can have on someone. And you also made me realise what I didn't want to become...a professional cynic...love you really!

[Stacked Actors, Foo Fighters, LINE UP THE BASTARDS, I love it]

Wardifer, I hope you don't leave soon to be honest, since you owe me dinner. But it's likely you will sometime soon. DARN YOU. I had some great conversations with you at half five in the morning. Although if you ever leave a NUS constitution on my windowsill again, I will make you eat it...out of Sion Hopes's crack. But you've made me giggle, and I'll miss our little trips to Asda at half one in the morning, sitting in bed trying to eat hedgehog bread without a knife or anything. Like cavemen. Anyway, see you soon so you can make me a brew.

Phill Vose. I haven't spoken to you an awful lot since I moved out. But my god I miss those tails and ears. Thank you for loaning me your laptop, your usb pen, for fixing things in the god forsaken radio station, for your rants about student council,  [whennnnnn you're stuck like glue...vaseline] for locking yourself out of your room late at night, for accompanying me to the train station and into town, and for the free brews your brother got us in nero. You're ace. Now do some work. [bikini black special, freemix]

Who else is leaving me? I think the rest of you are staying [Apathy, Bloc Party, not what you're thinking, hip hop and bloc party...it's all good] apart from Trevor. TREVOR HOW CAN YOU? Who will I make twenty minute documentaries about stuffed penguins with? Who will I ridicule? Call a spiv? Wake up next to? Who will paint their face with glow stick insides? Who will look at me with disdain because I don't like Morrissey? Or the Smiths? Who will say I smell...? Who will wear new rave monocles? Who will light cigarettes in the dark under the light of glowsticks?

[Maria, Blondie]

Who will PIERRR rave with me? Who will wear the cool eyeliner and the orange nail polish? Who will hate me when I drink wine? Whose mother will I discuss the way the toilet roll should go, or coat hanger perfection with? Who will go out wearing what could be classified as their underwear? WHO WILL INDIE RAVE WITH ME? Who will play internet backgammon with me when I have insomnia? Hell who will I know who gets decent prescription drugs like you do? Whose wall will I look at? When will I see Farris Rotter's crotch again? Who will bitch hate with me? Who will I complain about Beth Ditto to?

Heather Jayne Swift. You're a fucking nutter*. You're loopy. You possess common sense and yet deny it access to your brain. [Hot Chip, Over and Over, GET ON THAT CHAIR MATT, DANCE MONKEY BOY DANCE] But I love you to bits. And here's why. From the moment that I met you, you have never pretended to be something you're not. You're not some ass kissing UCLan Journalism student. You're not going to change for anyone, or anything. You're so proud of coming from BillMinge it's actually pretty scary. Who you are, is plastered all over the wall, PR1, your room, your life, it's you. And you're not afraid to be you, your honesty, your morals...what little remain, it's just, awesome. [Atlantis To Interzone, RAVE]. Bubbling Blancmange I'll bloody miss you. Get your arse back up here sharpish!

*Love you!

And so, the final song. The fact that my ipod picked it, means something...

A friend in need's a friend indeed,
A friend with weed is better,
A friend with breasts and all the rest,
A friend who's dressed in leather,

A friend in need's a friend indeed,
A friend who'll tease is better ,
Our thoughts compress,
Which makes us blessed,
And makes for stormy weather,

A friend in need's a friend indeed,
My Japanese is better,
And when she's pressed, she will undress,
And then she's boxing clever,

A friend in need's a friend indeed,
A friend who bleeds is better,
My friend confessed she passed the test,
And we will never sever,

Day's dawning, skins crawling
Pure morning,

A friend in need's a friend indeed,
A friend who'll tease is better,
Our thoughts compress,
Which makes us blessed,
And makes for stormy weather,

A friend in need's a friend indeed,
A friend who bleeds is better,
My friend confessed she passed the test,
And we will never sever,

Day's dawning, skins crawling
Pure morning,[

A friend in need's a friend indeed,
My Japanese is better,
And when she's pressed, she will undress,
And then she's boxing clever,

A friend in need's a friend indeed,
A friend with weed is better,
A friend with breasts and all the rest,
A friend who's dressed in leather

1:37 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

2007...

Well I think I already said happy new year and what have you to you all. So there, if you didn't read my last blog, happy new year.

First off, I'd like to say, it's January, and I'm eating a creme egg. JANUARY. This is wrong. But hell, it's tasty.

For anyone that's interested...I like to suck it. Apparently not this one, this one was born upside down. It's solid chocolate at the top.

Enough of the creme egg analysis. 2007 so far has been alright. I've won a really amazing trip to somewhere down south, with a hot air balloon ride and dinner and champagne thrown in, which is absolutely amazing and I can't wait. I think we're going to go for Alan's birthday on the 27th, well his birthday is the 25th, but the weekend is after that

So that should be ace. It's a REALLY nice hotel, even made Jude a wee bit jealous, har har, she's just a champagne whore, but she is taking me to e-god tomorrow, which should be brilliant, because I really love that band. Anyone who wants to know where "God knows you're a retard" comes from, should go and watch them.

The boy is coming on the 18th, hurrah, I miss him so much, I actually didn't think it was possible and it sounds like a cliche, but, I didn't. I've always been quite independent and a lot of you know I'm bossy and a bitch and whatever else you want to call me, hehe, but, I don't really miss people. I've never lived in the same place long enough to miss a place, I've never lived with my family long enough to miss them, I don't miss my mum because she's still around eating my quality streets, and I guess friends and boyfriends are sort of, add ons to my life, they aren't my entire life.

That's why this one is quite weird, I guess he's becoming a part of my life that I'd find it very hard to get on without.

Aaaaaaaaaanyway, 2007, I vowed to drink more water, so far it's at 2 litres a day and I'm weeing more than a drunk in a comfy chair. It's ridiculous. I've been kinda healthy, and kind of not. I've not been snacking, and I've been eating decent meals. But we went to asda and I came home with muchos crisps. Which I've eaten. It's weird, I get in these moods sometimes, where I want to eat everything. I think it's okay at the moment, because I've been getting up so late I've only been eating two meals a day. But I do feel better for it, and I've been taking vitamin c and zinc and st john's wort, because I get pretty depressed in Winter and I've actually felt a lot better since I started taking it so...

Even if it's all in my head, it's worth it.

I'm also trying to not have dairy, because I've had some weird episodes with cheese of late. At Christmas mum bought lancashire homemade cheese from the cheese shop in Knott End, and my mouth started itching and so I think I may be allergic. So I've been having oat milk on my cereal and I've stayed away from the cheese. It's not going to stop me eating stuff, but if I can change even a little bit of it, it might help.

Also, I'm quite proud of myself tonight, because I made risotto, and it was AMAZING. And it sounds so daft, because it was sliced sausages and onions and peas and red pepper and tomatoes and vegetable stock and paprika and cajun and whatever else I could throw in, but it was amazing. Risotto's officially yummy.

So there you go. Oh and I went for a walk. I wanted to go swimming, but Wardie wouldn't come with me :( because he's a bastard. And I've never been to Fulwood pool, so I'm a bit aprehensive of going alone, since I used to really hate swimming as a kid, and when it's quiet I'm okay, but I get a bit tetchy about it when there's lots of people about. And when Nick used to try and drown me. The bastard.

It's only...a week and a half, until I'm no longer the head of the radio station. And to be honest, the thought is making me happier with every waking moment. I love it.

It's like the last month, I've had nothing major to worry about, well not nothing major, but they were MY problems, and I didn't have anyone else breathing down my neck to sort them out. Especially people who don't do their own jobs properly. I feel slightly...betrayed, almost, by the SU, that nothing's really happened for the radio station.

Yes we've been dedicated more money, and that's wonderful, but there's that old saying that you can't throw money at everything. And this is one of those things. It needs someone's time and attention, time and attention that's got me into trouble and probably means I won't leave with the degree I could have achieved, not that I'd have done it anyway. I feel betrayed, in that, I've devoted the time to it, and it's not been matched, and now I feel like my efforts were futile.

 But it's okay, for me at least, because I'm going to do something better. But it's sad, that there's nothing there that really secures the station and says it'll still be there in fifteen years. I hope that's something that changes.

So yes, 2007, I make ace risotto, I'm being more proper, I have my money allocated for the next 4 months, I know what I'm doing, I for once have a sense of direction. All is well with the world. And now I've said that, watch it fall to pieces x

12:49 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

harrumph

The boy has been. And gone. And here comes the evening where I feel like I've lost part of me. It sounds stupid. I guess more so to you lot because very few of you see me in my emo state. I think most of you have called me a bitch at some point, seemingly a heartless one at that. I'm not saying this in a self deprecating manner, I'd agree with you to a point, I mean, I'm harsh with people, I know that, but I'd do anything for the people I care about.

Unfortunately I care about the boy and there's little I can do about it. When he's here, it's so weird. All the stuff that annoys me and eats me up inside doesn't matter but when he leaves it's just shit for a while. There's nothing I can do or say that will make it better, I just have to wait it out.

I'm also a bit pissed off about a lot of things. There are things with uni that I can't seem to find the motivation to sort out. I got my essay in, how good it was is another matter. The question seemed so stupid for 2k words. But then the whole course seems completely retarded. I have a presentation to do, which I can't strike up any enthusiasm for. Who can be enthusiastic about fucking enlargement? Meh.

And for anyone who's been trying to text me, and are wondering why I haven't replied, it's because barclays and hsbc have lost £326 of my money and so I can't pay my phone bill. What annoyed me more was that I asked my dad to lend me some, and he said "we'll sort something out but a client forgot to pay us 20k this week so things are a bit tight" so I said, fair enough and all that. Then my brother comes on msn boasting about his new laptop.

Go figure. He's eleven.

Saw Mum yesterday, we all went to Lancaster but she snapped her handbrake cable. Dipstick. So she met the boy. She's on about Christmas, I really wish I didn't have to go to Grimsby for Christmas, I'd rather stay here and sleep. She said she'd go down on the 23rd and come back the 29th, I realise most of you are thinking "well that's not long, it's not that bad". No, it's not that long. That'll be the problem.

My nan is already seemingly pissed off that we're not going to be there for new year, and now half of my family will be pissed off, and by half, I mean my grandma in particular, who will complain when I don't spend enough time with her. Not that we do anything when I'm there. Don't get me wrong, I love her to pieces, but, I want to live my own life. I want to do what I want to do, I hate feeling obliged to see people. I go and see them when I want to, not because it's fucking Christmas.

So yeah, get in and get straight the hell out of Grimsby is going to be my tactic. I hate the place anyway, it's a shit hole. Hopefully I'm going to Glasgow for the new year to stay with the boy and his brother. I might see if I can stay up there a wee bit longer and do some revision since I have exams around the 14th. Boo.

This year has gone so quickly though. It'll be four months soon since me and Alan got together, and it's weird because it feels like yesterday in some respects and in others, forever. We still haven't had a major argument I don't think, which is a record for me and anyone.

Frequency is a bit better I guess, we have a sense of direction which the new structure has given us something to work towards. Always a bonus. I (oooh, email from dad, I'm £50 better off), feel as if there are lots of critics around, ready to pounce on you as soon as something goes wrong, but very quiet when something goes right. In some respects, it makes me more determined, and in others, when I have days like today, it makes me want to give up.

Oh well. Have fun kids, it's a blog full of tears, I'll try and make the next one more cheery.

10:02 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Well, since I'm bored...
Current mood: discontent

I haven't done one of these for so long. I generally do these when things are really ace or really shit. So yeah, let's see which way it goes!

Well first things first, I split up with Nick. It was hard to do, but it needed doing and we both felt like that, which I think was a blessing because I don't want it to be nasty. Although I have had my phone on diverts all weekend and him and Wardie have been trying to phone me. Sorry guys, but somedays I just don't want to talk to anyone.

We should really have stayed best friends. Because that's what we were good at. And as much as I love him to pieces, I just find him a little, overbearing, possibly verging on arrogant. He knows this already, I think. And I want to go out and do things and have a good time and he seemingly doesn't. As someone said in consolation "opposites attract for a little while".

Seemingly not anymore.

Secondly, I got a job, I've been working there for three and a half weeks now, it's alright, neither hate it nor love it. It's very easy, TOO easy. I always liked to be worked hard, compared to where I used to work this is like being paid to put your feet up. Plus I miss all the girls that I used to work with, I miss Sadie making me bacon butties and chatting to me about ridiculous things all day. And Donna just being ace. But it's OK, just not ace. Plus it's better pay. And it's a fair walk to work, which is a good thing...I think.

Frequency seems to be coming along ok, it's been weird not being on air. I guess the whole concept of the SU is weird at the moment, now some of the people I was closest to have left and all that. I haven't really been in there since they left. It's too weird. I went into the SU but only to see Pauline who is handily situated on the ground floor. I just reckon that, those people were my friends and now they aren't there. And I think whatever I do there's going to be some animosity from me towards those people, because it's just not the same. It just won't be as much fun.

And people have said, wait and see, but honestly, I do wonder if I have anything in common with any of them.

We're apparently getting another 10k in funding over the next five years, I'll believe that when I see it. I hope we do, but then I'm not getting my hopes up. Yes, I see the complete and utter shit that statement was.

I'm contemplating going to Edinburgh for my birthday. It's about the best idea I've had. Part of me wants a nice birthday, like bbq and alcohol and nice music but it won't be the same because everyone is all over the place. Well it won't be as good as the last one, becasue that just rocked. So anything else is going to depress me right?

Bah, birthdays are always depressing, I hate the fuckers. 21 is not something to be proud of, it just means that the lines of decency have to be drawn somewhere else. I reckon I'll sleep right through.

Jesus, now I'm lost for words, that's when you know you should stop.

1:47 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Hmm
Current mood: weird
Category: Blogging

I don't really get the categories box. Now, surely the list of what I'm doing, is blogging - I mean, that is what is going down right now isn't it?

Anyway, back to the blog, I thought I'd best do one, because I can't sleep mainly but also because I haven't in a while. It's not like I'm dead or anything, I just haven't thought about what I'm going to say, ah well. Here goes.

What have I done? Well Nick and I are still together, so there's one thing that hasn't changed. I'm still running the radio station which I began to take to bits the other day. Studio 2 is now in pieces, makes it nice and easy for the burglars I think, I guess the alarm, the three doors and man's finest; UCLan Security guards are enough to keep them at bay for now.

Speaking of which, we had a to do with them, bastards. I can't be arsed going through it, basically, if you're going to do something, please tell me first. If there's a problem with how it's being run, please tell me, don't just start witholding keys.

Dad offered for my 21st to pay for me to go to Dublin, which is pretty cool I guess. We will be staying in the Gressham apparently. Well, thank god actually because I can't stand nasty hotels. All comments of me being a snob, on a postcard to Ed Walker please.

I've got massive insomnia tonight, I've had far too much caffeine amongst other things. It's a shame because I'd got into a routine which Nick was probably going to spoil anyway when he came back, with his sausage roll breakfasts and spending days playing computer games.

Mikey got a job, found out this morning, doing some freelance work for Rugby FM, I'm well chuffed for him, and quite possibly Mr Sanna will be buggering off to get a job. We fucking hope. Jimbo is working at Terrorizer and Mark is going to the Sun. It's dawned on me recently how it isn't going to be the same next year really. No Mark or Dom or Jimbo, most of the section editors gone except for nelmes and foxy. Frequency will pretty much be the same only twice as ace and Pluto will be...interesting. The exec as well are all leaving, shame on them. I've really grown attached to Jen, Gemma and Ian these last couple of weeks so it'll be sad for them to go.

It's hard to see something you've worked so hard on change.

Had some good news this morning about the radio station which I suspect a lot of you know already, although I'm not about to broadcast it because knowing my luck it's not going to happen. However, I'd really like it if it did. It'd sort out my promotions issues. However, it means I need to get the studios back together. Damn it.

Spent last weekend with Mum putting skirting in her bedroom so that one day she may actually sell her house. Don't hold your breath it's been happening for five years now.

Other than that, I have various issues that I can't be arsed to talk about. Let's just say it's all good and hope for the best.

Everything will be ok in the end x

3:16 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment