There is a new trend to sweeping across the suburbs in response to housing crisis: splatter your fucking brains all over their parkay floors and Van Duesen Blue guest house walls like Kurt Cobain, if Kurt Cobain was a legal secretary.
Martha Stewart recommends the Sawed off Winchester Speed Pump One field riffle. Martha suggest you adorn you Winchester with festive Van Duesen Blue Ribbons to create an ambient wash of continuous color through out your guest house. This will allow the people who find your dead body to feel horrified, and luxurious.
Of course, a Suicide Note is a must and there is a world of options available. One popular choice for the do it yourselfer is ornate hand written calligraphy on hand made rose pedal stationary. "P.S. Please use some of the in surance money to get the kids some yum-o scones."Try to add something festive and light as the person reading this will probably be standing in a puddle of your fucking brains.
Which brings up an important point: even though you're dead it doesn't mean every rug in the house needs to be covered in your body goo. Let's face it people insides get kind of messy. You may want to set out an array of galoshes for people to wear while near the body. Then the galoshes can come off when entering the living room or kitchen.
And how about refreshments? If you where a twelve year finding his mommies head on one side of the room and her body on the other, you might want a little something to take the edge off. For summer suicides, go with crisp refreshing gin and tonics. It's smooth and cold and delicious. For fall and winter why not leave out a thermos of hot cocoa and a bottle of brandy.
Well, best of luck on the other side. Remember just because chasing the American dream destroyed your life, doesn't mean you can't go out with some style.
A ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Spencer D Date: Jul 26, 2008 11:21 AM
I once worked with television news producer. He was very matter of fact about the reality that television news considers itself a ratings grabber. Ratings bring in dollars. period. The media is going to tell us what ever they think we want to hear, as long as we'll tune in. People don't like the truth, it makes the country look like we rolled over while a small group of rich shit heads from Texas stole our country and fucked up every thing they touched. We're America, we know we're a fucking great country because we keep telling ourselves we are. And so forth. Great column. Keep up the good work Spencer
----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Allison Kilkenny Date: Jul 26, 2008 10:39 AM
Thanks for the kind words, Spencer.
I know it's naive of me, but I still think most people are good in their hearts, and they want to hear the truth. And even if they don't WANT to hear it, they deserve to hear it. It's a basic human right to understand reality, which is why I consider all entities that try to warp reality "evil." That goes from lying politicians to religious zealots.
Oh, feel free to pass the article along. :) Keep reading.
Here's the thing, truth is somewhat subjective, so one must cut the world a little bit of slack from time to time. However we are at a point where the majority of our institutionalized information streams ( the media is an institutionalized information stream, you're personal grape vine is a non institutionalized media stream) we are at the point where it seems like most of our information streams are tainted, and we, the benefactors of sound "news" are for the most part sitting back and letting it happen. So I guess I've seen the enemy and the enemy is the collective us. I think I'm going to put this in my blog.
I was given a copy of Boys a Girls in America by a very cool almost girl friend in Los Angeles and I loved it, the CD has been in my personal heavy rotation ever since, I've since bought their older stuff and feel just as strongly about it. It's pretty clear from the lyrics on Boys and Girls in America that at least Craig Finn has done some time in Minneapolis, which where I spent my 20s. When I was younger I read Circus and Hit Parader and later Rolling Stone and Spin religiously. I guess I felt it was important to know what kind cereal Vivian Cambell likes. Anyway, I'm a fan of Rock journalism. But over the last 10 years I've just stopped reading Rolling Stone as much. It's not because I grew up, ask around. Point being, I finally get around to googeling The Hold Steady. Much to my surprise Craig Finn the Singer and Tab Kubler, the Guitar player where in a Minneapolis band called Lifter Puller in the 90's. I was very diligent about checking the band listings in the back of the City Pages and going and hanging out at Acme Company in the 90's so I never went to see Lifter Puller. But Lifter Puller where listed constantly. So when I see that my current favorite band was playing my back yard every week for $5 at the door during my 20's, I felt like I'd missed something great. Although if I had gone and seen Lifter Puller and gotten into Lifter Puller, I am told I would now hate The Hold Steady. Since I love The Hold Steady perhaps it's all for the best. One more thing. I found my old room mate from that time period on Myspace. He's in a band called Hojas Rojas. They're great. I get a hold of him and I mention "I'm a huge The Hold Steady fan and I had no idea Craig Finn and Tab Kubler where in Lifter Puller. Did you go see them when you they where in Minneapolis. Tim Goes "Yeah, Tab Kubler was the drummer for my first band." Ohhh shittttttt, that's great man. I listened to the brand new Album "Stay Positive" for the whole drive from Crookston to Fargo. I stopped listening briefly while I got pulled over in a massive speed trap for not having a front license plate. Fortunately I went to junior High with a former Fargo Sherriff. Thanks Buddy, you know you who you are. Good to have a name to drop from time to time. The new album, as Matt Behsear so eloquently pointed out in his HPR piece on the band, is classic The Hold Steady. Go by copies for yourself and your friends. At the The opening band, The Loved Ones, are strong. They play a tight set of poppy punk. The Audience likes them. The wheels fell off the back of their bus on the way to the show. Drag. They're safe and sound though so don't fret. The Hold Steady is fucking great. Craig Finn is a weird, brilliant little nerd. He's a nerd from his glasses to his checkered shirt to that little dance he does that only a genius would get applauded for. Craig has the kind of physical appearance that weeds out the people that aren't here for the music. It is very unlikely that there will ever be a Craig Finn Rock of Love and I think we can all agree that that's a good thing. Craig Finn, brilliant little nerd that he is, rocked the Fargo theater in half. The audience was this eclectic mix of Older Hipsters, younger hipsters and hipster leaning non hipsters. There where 4 or 5 really drunk, really loud, really aggressive guys who almost got pounded on by security every five minutes for the whole show. There was something very satisfying about seeing the muscle bound mosh pit jocks in the front row causing trouble and bowing to Craig. My irony meter almost broke. I don't know if anybody there was a hoodrat. There where some I guess what you would call normal people. Don't be confused: The Hold Steady isn't a 'normal' band. They are a great anthem rock band, and it's not that I think they don't like their own music, but the music is almost like a trick to lure you into the lyrics. This music will sound right to the "Carry on our wayward son/ there'll be peace when you are done" crowd, but Kansas never had lines like "She said there's gonna come a time/ when I'm gonna have to go / with who evers going to get me the highest." The people in these songs are fucked up. They're the people that their families glaze over during Thanksgiving dinner. "How's Holly?" "Oh, she's Holly." They leave out the part about how Holly "crashed into the Easter mass/ her hair done up in broken glass / she was limping left on broken heels/ and she said 'father can I tell the congregation how a resurrection really feels?" I think I dated her briefly. Craig Finn doesn't write songs about boys and girls who fall in love. He writes songs about hoodrats and dealers and fuck ups. The songs don't glorify the party life, these tails tend to pick up their characters in a downward spiral or after a crash landing. Craig's characters are coming to in the chill out tent, they like the warm feeling but are tired of all the dehydration. Their habits start out recreational but end up kind of medical. I love this band because they resonate with me. Last night I got to see something brilliant. I'm really glad I went and gas prices had dropped all the way to $3.79. One final note. I took a shower after I wrote this, and then I slipped on my brand new The Hold Steady t-shirt that I bought with out looking at the tag. I took a second to look at the tag. The tag says American Apparel which are made in the USA not in a sweat shop. Man I like this band.
Currently
listening
:
Stay Positive
By
The Hold Steady
Release date: 2008-07-15
My stomach has been giving me problems for about 3 or 4 months. So I went to the Dr. He told me I'd have to go shit in a bag. So I did. My shit came back fine. So they sent me to another Dr. He made me fast, then drink a gallon of plastic that made me shit. When I came in they put me on a gurney and stuck a needle in my arm. Then they told my I would be falling asleep............ I had to wait a month to get my results. I called the Dr. after 2 weeks and asked the Nurse if she could tell me what was wrong with my stomach. She said it was nothing serious but she couldn't give me the results. She told me the Dr. was on vacation. So I asked her if she could send my results to my Dr. so I could know what was wrong with me. She said no, that she wanted me to speak the Specialist as he would give me a more detailed reading of my guts. So after shitting my eyes out for an extra month I finally saw the Dr. Today. I had to sit in the waiting room for an hour. The Dr. said my insides look good. It's probably irritable bowel caused by stress. I should change my diet. Then he prescribed some pills that would block cholesterol. When the pharmacist gave them to me I almost fell over. They're cartoonishly large. He gave me fucking horse pills. Screw that noise, I'm eating broccoli and trying to relax more. On the up side, it's a nice night, as you can see in the picture.
Currently
listening
:
Gone Ain't Gone
By
Tim Fite
Release date: 2005-09-13
The Bruning stopped after only 47 mindnumbingly painful treatments
Category: News and Politics
This is a from a memo that was given to police officers, fire fighters etc. about how to spot a terrorist.
What constitutes "suspicious activity," of course, is in the eye of the beholder. But a draft Justice Department memo on the subject says that such things as "taking photos of no apparent aesthetic value" or "making notes" could constitute suspicious activity, Finley wrote.-http://www.alternet.org/rights/90829/
I'm standing by the misleading head line plan for a bit longer.
I just found this video of a 61 year old women being removed from a public place for carrying a sign that say's "McCain=Bush".
It doesn't say "How'd you like to stick McCain in yer Bush" (Try to make the "Mc" sound like "Me") Or "George Bush is a traitorous, murderous thief who has buried us nuts deep in debt to china, fucked up a the world and drove the country into poverty and John McCain is going to the same."
Maybe that's a gay "=" like those blue and yellow stickers. Maybe she means "Bush is having gays sex with McCain."
Any way, this used to be ....America..... One of the things that made this country great was that not only did the rich and the powerful have the right to free speech, everybody did. You, me, smart people, dumb people, annoying people, cool people, uncool people, way uncool people, those people that you end up going 'yeah, if that's what you want to do man, I guess' every time they have a plan and all variety of ass hat's, douschetards and what nots. They all have a right to express their opinion. We have to respect each others right to privacy, that's why we, the tax payers have public places, like town plaza's where we can express our free speech, which is what she was doing. So what's the problem here?
Standing in a public place, protesting a political Candidate sure as hell falls under the category of free speech. Are we not paying our cops enough? Is that it? Did we spend so much money on the war that we can't slip the cops an extra hundred bucks wrapped in a hooters gift certificate and be like "Hey Buddy, here's some gas money, how's about yous makes sures these's peopleses free's speeches get's uphealds, know what I'm saying? Batta boom Batta bing!"
Gas is $3.91 in Grand Forks. $3.83 in Crookston. I saw this story about GM working on fuel efficiency and for a second I was thinking some silly hopeful thought.
"With the Chevy Volt, General Motors—battered, struggling for profitability, fed up with being eclipsed by Toyota and the Prius—is out to reinvent the automobile, and itself."
