R.I.P. Neil O. Beasley - My Daddy
Current mood: sad

So. Title says it all.

To make it short and sweet, water on the heart, in the lungs, swelling in limbs, body not responding to treatments, only 65% blood oxygen level. The doctors kept trying - give it one more day, one more day; they tried to be encouraging. They did everything they could.

This morning his primary doctor said it was time for hospice. The hospice guy told us that once he was removed from the machinery he would go fast. He was right.

And now, on day 50 of the whole ordeal, its over, and he can finally be without pain. Its probably the first time in 15 years that he hasn't hurt. Hell, maybe longer.

I'm taking this week off to help mom and to settle my scrambled brain. He'll be cremated and I'll take care of his urn until we have a final resting place that I'm happy with. No services, but you can always contact me if you'd like to send a card or something to my mom.

I love you all. Oh yeah, and I'm asking for no phone calls right now. Texts and emails are cool, but I just can't deal with the whole conversation thing right now. HUGS

2:33 PM - 7 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

And Now Back to Our Regularly Schedule Catastrophe
Current mood: calm

So when we last left our hero, he had pulled through a heart attack and triple angioplasty and was happily on his way to recovery. But because nothing in this world can ever go according to plan, neither did recovery.

He came home Saturday (the 12th) after the angioplasties. He was still really weak and exhausted. He was surprised he didnt feel better - looking back now, we know why. He had developed an infection in one of the numerous cuts made during his procedures (They tried to go through the femoral artery, but after 26 attempts, they went through the arm). He didnt feel any better on Sunday either, and on Monday when they nurses came over to check on him, they couldn't get an oxygen level reading from his blood, and his blood pressure was super low. So, back to the ER after only a day and a half home.

He actually doesn't remember even BEING home. He says he remembers nothing after going to sleep Saturday. They admitted him to the ER around noon on Monday (the 14th), and by midnight his blood pressure was still super low, his blood had gone septic, and his kidneys were starting to fail. There was talk of dialysis before morning. My brother and I went up and stayed with him for a couple of hours, holding his hand and trying to keep him calm. He was completely delirious from the infection and in and out of consciousness. Those were the hardest hours. We really didnt expect to see him pull through.

But come Tuesday morning when we visited around 10am, he was not only awake, he was sitting up, coherent, and talking. Ok, maybe coherent isn't quite right. He was still a bit loopy, but SO much more logical and aware than he'd been. Over the course of the next two weeks, he slowly improved, blood pressure came back up, kidney function came almost back to normal (he'll have to watch his fluid intake from now on so as not to stress them), and he regained his ever pleasant attitude. :) On Saturday (the 3rd) he moved into the Rehab Center behind the hospital.

And late on Sunday night he slipped and fell on his way to the bathroom and broke his hip. He went in for high risk surgery on Tuesday and they put in a steel rod and plate and screws. He moved into cardiac care unit yesterday and I guess at some point he'll start physical therapy in the hospital. They are saying a minimum of 6-10 weeks recovery time, at least half in the hospital and the other half in a rehab home.

He's so incredibly miserable. Its really hard to visit, but I try to as much as I can. It just completely sucks that I can't do a damn thing to help. But that's where we are with that. And since I haven't seen him yet today, I have nothing more to say about it right now. On to other things.

I started my practicum this week. I'm working in a hospital psych ward. The week started out rough. I found out about Dad's fall on Monday as I was getting ready to go for my first day, so I didn't really have much spark when I got there. And then, even though I'd told my supervisor that being in the geriatric unit wasn't a good idea for me right now, into the geriatric ward I went. Ok, so I dealt with it the first day. I watched my supervisor "treatment plan" (preprinted forms with check lists of symptoms; so personal) and hold "treatment meetings" (which consisted of asking the patient where they lived, what brought them in, and where did they want to go when they leave, ok you'll see the doc this afternoon, kthxbai!). On my second day I watched grooming group (yes, this is where they shave and brush their hair and get ready for the day - fascinating, really) and a process group that really I dont have much to say about.

I was SO bored. At one point I was told to get to know the patients, and if I REALLY wanted them to like me, hand out the lunch trays. Hand out lunch? Are you fucking kidding me? That is NOT what I went to school for, thank you. Keep in mind this is the same day Dad was in surgery, so maybe I was a little edgy. Heh. That night I visited him in cardiac ICU. Its was heart breaking to see him and I left feeling very sad.

I knew I was not up to the geriatric ward Wednesday morning. I knew I was in trouble when I got teary on my ride to work. WHY must I always cry when I know he's OK?? Good lord. Anyway, I got to the ward. I tried to be bright and alert, asking what I should do. Get to know the patients. Great. My supervisor went into the lounge. I followed him. I tried to explain that I wasn't going to be able to deal with geriatric today. Yeah, I promptly fell apart. There was no blubbering, I'm happy to say. But many tears and stunted sentences. Needless to say, I was on my way home within 15 minutes. The nice thing about working with therapists - they let you take care of yourself without even thinking twice about it. You aren't ok, you need time. Go. Take it. And I did.

It helped a lot. It also helped that i didnt see Dad last night because I have a late class on Wednesdays. It also helped that I talked to my practicum seminar professor last night and she reassured me immensely about my site location and about the experience I will get. She strongly agreed that i needed out of geriatric.

And what do you know, this morning when I came in, calmer and ready to try again, my supervisor takes me over to the poly-substance ward and hands me over to a fab classmate who totally made me feel right at ease. I was laughing within 5 minutes, and by the time I left for the day I really felt like this was going to work. I think I'm really going to like this. There are some really awesome people in this ward, people I can talk to and try to relate to. People who haven't had strokes and heart attacks and diabetic events. Yeah, THAT'S not triggering for me right now. Not at all.

10:56 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Safe
Current mood: relieved

He has dodged yet another bullet. He will survive and should be home by the beginning of next week.

They went in this evening to do the angiogram, and while they were there, they went ahead and put 3 stents into the lower heart arteries. No open heart or bypasses needed. He was supposed to go in early this morning, but there were emergencies and people ahead of him, so he ended up going in around 630pm. Pity his nurses - he'd had no food or water since midnight last night. He was such a JOY when he called around 430 to vent - "these f---ing, g-d damn, (%&*!&!^$$!" And then later around 530, he called back and had a normal conversation with my mom. He said "They gave me valium, but I dont think its doing anything." LOL yeah, I think it worked well! I wonder if we can get them to send him home with a script, lol.

So yeah. I can breathe now.

I still dont know how long he'll last, because I'm really afraid that, even tho this scared the shit out of him, he wont change. But ya know, he's a grown man. I can educate and I can help, but I can't make him change if he doesn't want to. So we may be doing this all over again in a year or so, and next time he might not be so lucky.

But for now, I am just glad my daddy will be coming home. Thanks for ALL the support from everyone. I truly appreciate it. My dad is of the opinion that the prayers of others have helped save him. I dont know about that, but I do know it truly helps to know that others are behind you sending their love and support. THANKS to you all, I LOVE YOU GUYS!! :)

5:07 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Too Much

So, am update it needed. A lot of shit has been going on. I'll start with the good shit:

I start my practicum in less that three weeks and I am totally looking forward to playing in the locked psych ward with all the crazies. I love the crazies. It will be fun.

I started meds cause I didnt like the downward spiral and couldnt seem to pull myself out. Its all good tho. The negative rumination has ceased, and life is good and I'm back below my wedding weight and all in all I'm a happy camper.

Or at least, I was. Now to the bad shit:

Dad went into the hospital early Monday morning. He had a hypoglycemic seizure which triggered a heart attack. They dont know how bad it is yet but it doesnt sound good. They want to do a cardiac catheterization - where they thread a tube up his femoral artery in the groin all the way up to the heart and then inject a dye - and take pictures to find the blockage. Problem is, thats the exact same procedure they did when he had his second stroke (only the threaded it all the way up to his head) and it caused him to have a 3rd stroke. He is NOT liking the idea of repeating the procedure. I'm pretty terrified that he'll need surgery. I dont think he'll survive surgery, what with the diabetes, and the blood thinners and all the other meds.... but I imagine he's not the first patient with a ton of medical problems to undergo such procedures. I just have to keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best, but I'm expecting the worse.

And of course, all this at the beginning of finals week. Thank the GODS that I had already finished all my papers and presentations. But I had to bail on my presentation last night - i couldnt manage to keep a steady voice, especially since I'd found out about the heart attack only an hour before. My professor was the best, she's extending me a week. She knows I was ready, so she sent me off.

Anyway. Yeah. So that's what's up. Its going to be a rough week. I'll keep you posted. HUGS

1:44 PM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Just Because
Current mood: bored
Category: Life

Ok, so I havent written anything in a while, and I haven't done one of these types of thingies yet - and I'm stalling from going to clean bunny poop at my parents - SO here we go :)

RULES:

1]List things you want to say to people, but never will.
2]Don't say who they are.
3]Never discuss it.

1. Sometimes, I think you are Borderline with psychotic symptoms.
2. You need to shut up. Seriously. And stop being so exTREMELY phoney. No one cares.
3. You are always on top of me everytime I turn around. You are in my way. MOVE.
4. You are a total waste of space. Why are you here?
5. Sometimes you talk so much about you, I wonder if you even care about me.
6. I think you are a drug addict.
7. I think you are a greedy selfish person and your momma never taught you to share.
8. You make a mess and now I will have to beat you. (Ok, I'd tell you that)
9. Sometimes I think I will never be good enough for you.
10. Sometimes I think you like him more and everything I do is expected to be perfect.
11. I wish you would have done something long ago to fix things, and now I have no sympathy for you.
12. I really hope you are telling people about your medical issues before things get passed along.
13. You are so LAZY!
14. Sometimes I dont believe half of what you tell me because you never follow through on your promises.
15. I wish you would stop making each other so miserable. Your lives could be so much easier.
16. I am tired of hearing the same stories over and over again. I know them all. So does everyone else.
17. Sometimes I want to ring your little neck and throw you against the wall.
18. I hate you for fucking up my GPA because I dont talk enough. Fuck you and the horse you road in on. Bastard.
19. I dont think you have the credentials you claim. I tihnk you are fooling people. You are unethical.
20. I dont understand the way you run your business or why you treat people so shitty sometimes. We are not pawns to be moved about at your whim. And most of what you say is garbage.
21. I am not looking forward to your return. I am thrilled to get away from you and I hope you have a horrid time returning. I can't wait to see the catfight. You are a sneaky, deceitful person and I hope no one wants to see you.

Ok. I think I'm done now. Time to head out and clean poop. HUGS!!!

7:18 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Control?
Current mood: aggravated
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

So why is it that everytime you think you have things under control, some one in upper management has to have a bright idea and fuck your shit up?

I had been having talks with my manager about my level of unhappiness with my hours and how its killing my life. We'd changed my schedule to two days off during the week - awesome. I had a week of that before we realized that with how busy our center is, I was still going to be considered full time if i didnt cut a few more hours (full time = higher quota; part time = lower quota = LESS STRESS) So this week i was going to also get a two hour lunch break on the days I work. I was LOVING this idea because its dead during the mid day times.

I got ONE DAY at this joyous new schedule. When i came back from lunch, a supervisor was there. Pulled me in and said we need you to go to another center. They are short handed. It'll only be for a month. A MONTH!? Dude. This center is dead. It is SO slow. And I can't go home during lunch because its WAY too far away for that, so there went my great schedule.

So I am NOT happy with this. I was just getting happy and they took it away. I can not stay here a month. They do need help, but i saw FOUR people all damn day. A total of 34 people passed thru - I'm used to 70-90. Not cool. So I'm going to ask to be moved back asap, I want to be there no more than a week, fuck this month bullshit. They dont NEED me. Not even close.

And now I'm done. Just wanted to vent. Bye now.

2:51 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Healthy
Current mood: amused

Ok, so in case any one cares, all my blood work has come back overly perfect and I'm super healthy with an abundance of vitamins hanging around. My HDL is 65, my LDL is 114, my glucose is 89, my calcium is 9.7, my iron is 115, my B12 is 389, and my folic acid is so in excess they just tell me its over 20. Not bad for a girl who doesn't take a single vitamin. What this means so far is that i am neither hypoglycemic nor anemic. What this means for why I passed out? Not a friggin clue. :)

I didnt actually have the blood results looked at by the doctor who ordered them. I wasnt thrilled with the place I'd chosen - I was looking for a small family practice and I got a BUSY walk-in clinic. My appointment was at 230, I didnt get seen til 430, and they didnt draw blood til 5 - so that is 15 hours with NO FOOD. Not cool. I also didnt feel the doc had time for me so I didnt even discuss a number of small things with him - like why the hell do my hands hurt so much lately? - so I got a copy of the results and had one of my clients take a look at them after I played detective a bit. She's a physician and verified what my research said - I am healthier than I thought possible. :) She said she thinks the passing out may have something to do with my vagus nerve, which runs all the way from head to tail bone and regulates heart rate and blood pressure. She suggested that since the first and third incidence involved pain as well as anxiety and fear (biopsies are scarey damnit, and while pushing the belly ring thru this last time didnt actually hurt, i was AFRAID it would), that perhaps when things happened my blood pressure plummetted and down I went. This theory seems sound given that the following day after the third event, my blood pressure at work was super low, like 97/65 when I usually run 117/75.

Ok. So what this all means is jack squat :) I am calling today to make appointments with a Nova doctor to get established, review the blood work, and discuss my other small issues. I'm also going to make a gyn appoint with Nova, since my last gyn dismissed my pain issues after giving me a clean and PERFECT bill of health.

If I am so GOD DAMN HEALTHTY why the hell do I ache and hurt? Why do I get dizzy randomly? Why am I in pain when things should feel good? Fucking biology.

Oh yeah. And I have my first counseling session today as well. I found 10 free sessions on campus and they'll schedule them while I'm on campus. I dunno how much good 10 sessions will do, but if any of my shit is psychosomatic, maybe we can figure that out real quick. Hell, maybe we can just bring back my sex drive and let me sleep straight thru at night. Maybe I'll learn to relax. Thats a lot to ask out of 10 sessions. Heh.

Ciao for now. HUGS

5:38 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Yay
Current mood: distressed

So, looks like among other things, I'll definately need a full hormone and sugar profile when I go in for a physical. After less than two days of removing most carbs (i kept some fruit, the rest was veggie and protein) from my diet to try to chill out my sweet tooth, I am just thrilled to say that I managed to black out in the bathroom and do some lovely work on my nose and forehead. I'll be fine, but so much for my brilliant ideas. Owie. Hmph.

5:58 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Change
Current mood: distressed

I need some major changes.

I hate my job.
I hate that i have a quota that makes me hate my job.
I hate our apartment.
I hate the stuff in our apartment that makes me hate our apartment.
I hate that we can't afford to leave our apartment because we're in South Florida.
I hate South Florida.
I hate that i am still in South Florida when i vowed to be OUT.
I hate that I can't leave South Florida because I am in school.
I hate that i am in school instead of working already.
I hate that I HAD to go back to school right away or we wouldn't always be able to pay the bills without my FA for back up.
I hate that I have to have FA for back up because I have a quota that can fuck my paycheck if not reached.
I hate my job.
I hate that i can't change my job because I make awesome money their even withOUT hitting quota - but without quota its not enough now because I have a car payment that i was never prepared for.
And to top it off I used to love my job - No really, I looked FORWARD to it each day, my co-workers, my clients, everything was FUN - until they increased my quota and rearranged my management structure and brought in people and took out people and in effect dropped me from the top of the counselor totem pole in our office to basically bottom of the barrel over night.
Screw that, call me shallow, but what a fucking blow to my apparently fragile little ego.
And now I am miserable. I hate my job. That fucking BLOWS.
And I come home and can't stop thinking about why didn't this go right and why didn't *I* get that sale instead of them and what the hell am I doing wrong.
And WHY CAN'T I TURN MY BRAIN OFF!
I swear to god I don't really care but apparently I do since I can't make it go away.
And I hate hate HATE that I would really love some valium to turn it off. I already do nothing but sleep away my evenings and weekends because I am so emotionally and physically exhausted. I am putting in 41 hours a week WITH a day and half off in the middle. And going full time at Nova with two of the most BORING classes. Really, you should never be forced to take a class once you've TAUGHT that class. Ridiculous.

So. My current dilema - do I try to suck it up and deal and just get USED to it? Because hey, I have a job that pays the bills most of the time and that is still remotely tolerable. Everybody hates their job right? And next year i cut my hours in half to start my field work, so whatever, right? I do have a place to live and a great car and fat cats and great prospects. And of course the most awesomest husband in the whole wide world who has put up with more attitude and nervous breakdowns lately than he should ever have to tolerate.

But ya know what I really want to do?? I really want to head right to the doc and get a script for some xanax or valium or whatever chemical band-aid might be suitable to make it EASIER. I fucking HATE feeling this way. I'm hitting the "I dont care"s again. I dont care about anything. All I want to do is sleep. I feel like eating for no reason, just to fill the hole. These are BAD signs for me. I dont need fucking therapy and I HATE MYSELF for just wanting to get drugs and suck it up. I can talk til I'm blue in the face right now but its not going to change my job or my apartment or my state of residence. As with the last time, its ALL situational and therapy doesnt really fix that. Yes this is all like blasphemy coming from me, but whatever. Give me a band-aid, and in a year when the changes start, I wont have been lying in bed for 6 months eating everything in sight and destroying my GPA.

So. There's my dliema. Suck it up and deal and just make myself get thru it and be miserable and hopefully in time get over it and back to "normal" (heh); or go get my chemical band-aid and be able to let it slide off my back and be able to leave it at the door like I used to so I can have a life again? I know my choice, but I'm also slow and lazy, so while I take my time figuring out who my new doc is and when I can get in to see him or her - which I need to do for an annual check up anyway - I thought I'd see what the peanut gallery thinks.... suck it up or get a band-aid.... what would you do? :)

HUGS. Ciao for now. Thanks for listening to be whine :)

10:36 PM - 10 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

November 11, 2006 at 11am
Current mood: surprised

Its small, its soon, and its a lot of work. Its my wedding, and my mother just sprung it on me this past week. I said mom, I've got some extra money coming in, so Adam and I are going to take a vacation and while we're at it we're just going to go to the courthouse and sign the marriage paperwork otherwise we'll never do it.

Simple right? Of course not.

I go over to hang out and suddenly its, "we'll get a tent and some tables and chairs, and you can have some people and we'll get a cake, and you need a dress" and I'm like wait, what???

So yeah. Looks like a wedding. On November 11th. With the ceremony at 11am. And my honeymoon cruise leaving at 5pm. And now I have to pull it all together AND lose 10 pounds AND start classes. In 9 weeks.

No, I dont like to do things the hard way, why do you ask? :)

3:51 PM - 7 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment