I felt a need to talk to a close friend, but that was not possible today. It wasn't anyone in particular. I just wanted to talk to someone who i feel comfortable with and close to. Therefore, i shall write on here instead. : ) I had a job interview today and i left it feeling quite annoyed. I waited for 30 minutes for this interview and when the manager finally came out to interview me, it only lasted for 3 minutes. It was a complete waste of my time. As i got to my car i sent out a text to one of my close friends about my frustrating experience. I recieved no response. I shrugged it off because I understand that the person has a lot going on and it was just a text message.. As I drove home i went through a list of people that i could call. Another person came to mind, but they were at work. So i called somone that i needed to call back. The conversation was very boring and i just got annoyed about what they had to say. The call did not last long. I'm still driving home and still feeling the need to talk to someone. So i called my mom. She doesnt ever help. She tells me things that i already know. She also says things that are not helpful and sometimes her comments are...stupid. After that phone call, i started to notice that my heart is fluttering. As I started to think about my heart, I put together that the fluttering has been happeneing a lot more lately. I started to feel even more frustrated. I started to think about that, then my job interview, then my other job. But these thoughts were never completed. I wasn't working anything out in my mind. I just kept repeating these thoughts in my mind. I really wanted to talk to my closest friend at that point. I wanted to talk through my thoughts with someone. This friend helps me so much when it comes to organizing my thoughts. They don't tell me what to do, they just listen and ask me questions that help me figure out what I need to do that will point me in the right direction to resolve my problem. I hate feeling like I have little control of my thoughts. When I got home I did a load of laundry. I started to think about needles. I hate needles. My thyroid symptoms are getting worse....but I hate needles. I finally got frustrated enough as well as felt a rush of courage to call my mom...the nurse. Within a half hour I was at the clinic, getting my blood drawn. Now I just have to wait for the results to see how far gone my thyroid glands have become. I decided to go to the gym tonight to get in shape. I got on the treadmill and started it off with a fast walk. I looked to the 55 year old guy next to me going faster than me. I decided to go faster than him. "I can do better than that, im younger and in better shape" After 3.5 minutes of going 7 mph, my chest started to hurt whenever it would expand. "wth"?! I slowed it down to a fast walk. When my chest started to hurt less I pushed the speed again. It wasn't even ten seconds before the pain intensified. I went back to walking again, feeling frustrated and defeated by that old man, who was still going faster than me. I left the gym feeling light headed and hurting in my chest. This is starting to sound more like a journal entry. If you're still reading this, then you're a better person than i. : ) All in all. I have many issues in my mind. I need to work them through. I need to ask some questions. I definitely feel that a random road trip is what I need right now, but I need to make sure its not to run away from my problems. I feel like I'm losing it again. I need to stop being so cliche. Things that once used to mean so much to me now feel so empty and not origional.I used to be a hopeless romantic, but now im becomeing the opposite. It's never going to be perfect. You can love someone so much and feel that you know what you feel is true, but, what if they don't feel the same? I feel like I'm not doing much and not giving much in return. I'm done for now. Thanks.
Shadows are falling and I've been here all day It's too hot to sleep and time is running away Feel Like my souls has turned to steel I've still got scares that the sun did not heal There's not even room to live anywhere It's not dark yet, but it's getting there
Well my sense of humanity has gone down the drain Behind every beautiful thing there's been some kind of pain She put down in writing what was in her mind I just don't see why I should care It's not dark yet but it's getting there
Well, I've been to London and I've been to Paree I've followed the river and I got to the sea I've been down on the bottom of a world full of lies I ain't looking for nothing in anyone's eyes Sometimes my burden seems more than I can bear It's not dark yet but It's getting there
I was born here and I'll die against my will I know it looks like I'm moving, but I'm standing still Every nerve in my body is so vacant and numb I can't remember what it was I came here to get away from Don't even hear a murmur of a prayer It's not dark yet but it's getting there
Ok, i wanted to possibly post this onto facebook, but when i tried to find out how, i got frustrated and therefore posted on here instead. I feel though that it may be in some way related. I don't want to buy you. Stop asking me to buy you. Its just a stupid program. To me, i think it is lame. You're wasting my time. I don't like those types invites because when i get them, i feel good for about a second After that long heart felt second, i either realize that its a way for the person to avoid actually talk to me, and by sending me an invite, they feel better about themselves for the attempt....or its becuase they know if they send so many of these annoyances, they get the new fake items to send. That is why I stopped participating in the programs like the garden program on facebook. I sent plants to people because i thought they were cool and i wanted to share them with others. I deleted the program after i got my 30th strawberry plant. Did you really feel that I needed another strawberry plant, or were you trying to meet the quota so you can send a what you feel to be the coolest new plant. Please don't waste my time.
Currently
listening
:
Made in the Dark
By
Hot Chip
Release date: 2008-01-30
Casual Thoughts
Current mood: chipper
Category: Life
I have a few thoughts on my mind. I'm just going to type and see where i go with this. I think I love conflict. By that i mean i like arguements. I am currently dealing with an issue with someone and i have just realized I'm having fun with it. I'm very interested in sitting back and waiting for what they come up with next. I am currently amused with the fact that they are hinting at how they are feeling, but its not to my face or anything. Its very "under the table". Why don't you just say it to my face instead of changing your silly status hinting that you're so angry. Now, do i let this go and act like I don't notice or care or do i act out and purposly poke a stick at this furious, silly animal...that stick looks so fun. I in fact feel a little anger when I see them hint their feelings, but thats usually soon replaced with a smile. I believe the two biggest causes of a conflict with people, is lack of communication and a misunderstanding of communication. One of my favorite things to do is have a one-on-one conversation with someone. I try my best to communicate things with them in the best way possible. Because I am human, i do miscommunicate things sometimes, or decide to not discuss what i feel is not necessary at the time. Sometimes those decisions are not always the best, but i learn from my mistakes and move on. Because this sometimes happens, I am in this conflict that i have mentioned earlier. I am looking at this situation as more of an experience rather that a pronblem. I really am curious as to how this is going to work through, if it even does. I will for now, wait and see what will come next. How do i feel about all of this? I feel curious, tense at times. calmly amused, care-free, and alive. Even if it doesn't end well, with out these these types of experences, i wouldn't be who I am today and maybe I'd be a little bored.
My idea of excitement may not be the best. I like to worry about being late to class. I like that adrenaline rush of wondering if i'll make it. This is not best because i have a fear of being late. If i am late...i have a hard time going. I think i need to fill my life with more positive exciting things so i don't take these boring times and try to make them fun by doing things that are not best for me.
I'll figure things out. I'll be okay. :) I just can't give up.
chill
annoyed
amused
excited
chipper