"The modern mind is in complete disarray. Knowledge has stretched itself to the point where neither the world nor our intelligence can find any foot-hold. It is a fact that we are suffering from nihilism." Albert Camus
I have for a long time been mourning my lost ideals, and I feel that as time flies by I have grown more and more apathetic towards stuff that used to matter to me. I have become cynical and nihilistic - and older (I understand that these usually are connected). This doesn't mean that I've become more ignorant about stuff (or maybe I have), but just that it doesn't matter that much anymore; there's nothing I can do about it anyway. I used to be all about caring, the meaning behind it all and about standing up for a good cause. Now I'm more into realizing that I know jack, that the picture behind the picture keeps on changing and about just sitting down enjoying a beer. I think I'm actually over the mourning by now and moving on, celebrating my newfound unbelief.
At best I can crack a joke about it, and this is something that makes a very bad impression on people who still hold their beliefs and ideals as badges for righteousness. So I tend to piss of the political correct ones, and they tell me that I don't care, and between the lines they tell me that I'm a horrible person. Not that this matters...I couldn't care less what they think of me. I know what I'm about.
But as an example: I was going to Oslo a couple of weeks ago, a city recently plagued with assault rapes. As a goodbye before I left, a friend at work told me that maybe if I went alone into a dark alley, maybe even I could 'get some'. This cracked me up, and I retold it to another friend who upped her nose and told me that she 'couldn't laugh at stuff like that'. She was completely oblivious to the fact that the joke was on me and my depressing love life, not about mocking the seriousness of rape, which of course every sane human being thinks is a horrible act. There should be no question about my, or my friends', standing when it comes to that. It doesn't mean that we condone rape, for crying out loud!
Another friend of mine told me about a situation where she and another girl were goofing around about her working with Coch's (a company) which is situated (handily enough) at the docks. Then they were completely stumped by this other chick who didn't find them 'joking about prostitution' funny (even after they explained the pun) and just like that she passed her oh so righteous judgement on them. And ruined a good laugh.
Well, I mean: COME ON! Some people are so uptight about what's wrong in the world that they screen these situations out and become the three monkeys; hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil. As idealistic as the idea behind the three wise monkeys is, it doesn't mean that there IS no evil*. It doesn't disappear just because people stop talking about it. Far from it. But my point is that one should be allowed to make jokes or comments about the things that are so horrible that you can hardly breathe thinking about it. After all it's the one thing you can do. It's there in your face every day, mocking you with its brutality, knowing that unfairness will continue, like it has done for aeons. Nothing should be untouchable or left out of the realm of comment.
Does it mean I'm giving in? Giving up? Maybe. Maybe not. I have considered that it might just be a way to voice a concern with a world that is conformed into a division of right & wrong, good & evil, black & white. The extremes are so fucked up and blown up, the contrasts are made more visible than they really are, there's no room for a maybe; either you're with us or you're against us. And all seemingly in an effort to make us react, wake up. But we all know that disguised behind the do-good motive of changing society and enlightening the public, lie the hungry beast of the media, driven by salesnumbers, profit and status. And this is not wrong either. It's the way everything works. So they push and shove the cream of the crap right in our faces, leaving out the long lines and actual reflection. All it really does is make us tired, numb and ...yes, cynical. Take this: Guess what I know more about? The starving people in Darfur or Britney's rehab? It's a sad, sad fact to have to admit to yourself that you've grown up to be 'a grown-up' - my 18 year old self is throbbing with rightful harm! And the really pathetic thing about this (and it's pathetic that it actually IS pathetic - (Jeez, can this get more meta now?)) is that political correctness is SO passè and reactionary, and standing up for cynicism and gray areas is the new fad. And damn, I hope so. If I have to deal with more fanatics I'd probably go insane for real. So if you agree, let's just give a great big hand to cynicism. As Uncyclopedia.org so excellently puts it; Like philosophy is the ultimate stage of self reason, cynicism is the final stage of trying to reason with others.
And having said all this, I've left the best for last: (don't read this if you're really pissed about above-mentioned text) This is perhaps the best example I have, as it is the cruelest and most spontaneous: Me and some friends were watching Discovery Channel some years ago, and there was this programme on AIDS hosted by Gary Oldman and the advertisement for this show was shown. We saw skeletal people dying from AIDS lying in their beds with broken lovers, friends and family by their sides, holding their hands, crying. It was all very sad, and we all suddenly became very quiet and thoughtful. The boys were cringing (as they so often do) from the unusual amount of sadness. Then Oldman's voice-over asked us (more emotionally than what I can reproduce here): What do you say to somebody you love dying from AIDS? Then it came, quite spontaneously from one of the guys: You are the weakest link. Goodbye! We sat there lost for words, shocked and finally we just broke out laughing. This is the most poignant comment about modern society I have ever heard. It is pop culture eating itself! It is darwinism in pure form, social AND biological. It's absolutely horrible and witty at the same time - it is the true cynic's remark on a media shaped reality and morality. Well...instead of stressed, I lie here charmed. Cos there's nothing else to do. Every me, every you...
* By the way, evil is a silly concept as its definition lies in the eye of the beholder. And usually the beholder is an asshole.
Currently
listening
:
Under the Influences
By
Mike Ness
Release date: 09 November, 1999
Fever, the 90s and dorks (me)
Current mood: disappointed
Category: Blogging
Okay, it's friday night, easter holiday. I have had the whole day off, just relaxing and I really really want to go out and have some sort of life. And I was supposed to go get mildly enebriated with some friends tonight. But no. I feel absolutely washed out, tired and I might even be sporting a lovely little fever. Just my luck! So I have have no option but to sit at home and geek out with my blog (again).
But I have been working on my 90s hit music collection and that has been really fun. I found some songs that I haven't heard since way back then, and many of them are close to breaking my heart. It's remarkable that; so many memories are just uncontrollably triggered by just one song, and you find yourself singing from the top of your lungs (of course, you know the lyrics still), and you're back there with all those emotions that have camped out with this song for so long. Okay, check out these lovely ones (I bet you forgot them...): Sugar - If I Can't Change Your Mind Therapy? - Screamager/Nowhere The Jesus & Mary Chain - Far Gone and Out Sugar Ray - Fly Stereo MC's - Connected The Beloved - Sweet Harmony Dog Eat Dog - No Fronts/ Who's The King? Screaming Trees - Nearly Lost You Suede - Animal Nitrate/So Young Tasmin Archer - Sleeping Satellite Supergrass - Alright Stiltskin - Inside
If you have any pointers for other 90s hits I should be celebrating - please give me a ploink or something...I need something to keep me occupied...
And some blogthings...just to prove how insanely bored I am right now...
My theme-song...not as hippie as it sounds
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Your Theme Song is Born to Be Wild by Steppenwolf
"I like smoke and lightning Heavy metal thunder Racin' with the wind And the feelin' that I'm under"
A total independent spirit, you can't be held down or fenced in. You crave the feeling of wind on your face... and totally freedom.
My Luv Style (which I never even knew existed...wow!)
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Your Love Style is Eros
For you, love is all about the passion! And chances are, you're currently in love. You have a strong physical response to love... And you are great at committing (As long as the person makes your toes curl!)
You are talkative, clever, and knowledgeable - and it shows. You probably never leave home without your cell phone! You're witty, expressive, and aware of everything going on around you. You love learning, playing, and taking in all of what life has to offer. Be careful not to talk your friends' ears off, and temper your need to know everything.
Your personality type is dreamy, romantic, elegant, and expressive.
Only about 5% of all people have your personality, including 6% of all women and 4% of all men You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving.
An aMUSEing one! (There, I just proved this test wrong)
..>
Your Inner Muse is Thalia
You are most like this playful muse of comedy. Life is all about laughter to you, and you're a natural comic. You make people laugh until their sides split. And you're always up for some play time!
Why? You crave excitement and playful banter Only an Air Sign can match your wit - and keep you on your toes As for fun, an Air Sign guy will show you plenty? with tons of surprises Just be sure to introduce him to some new playful experiences as well!
While you're not a black widow, you've definitely left a few guys feeling used and abused. You're only out for fun, but sometimes you get a little carried away with your flirting. Cute guys tend to make you lose control. You really can't help it! You're a good girl at heart... you just can't help but let your bad girl side out sometimes!
April Fools and Other Tricksters...
Current mood: mischievous
Category: Blogging
(This is a repost of an old blog of mine)
Oh yeah...it's a freaky world out there, and as a celebration of April fools day coming up, I want to make a contribution by spreading the word and give two thumbs up for these excellent pranksters.
So what do you think folks? Isn't the world just lovely?
The Jackalope
The Jackalope (Lepus-temperamentalus) is one of the rarest animals in the world. A cross between a now extinct pygmy-deer and a species of killer-rabbit, they are extremely shy unless approached. It has also been said that the jackalope can convincingly imitate any sound, including the human voice. It uses this ability to elude pursuers, chiefly by using phrases such as "There he goes! That way!". Although no jackalope has ever been captured alive, it is said that a jackalope may be caught by putting a flask of whiskey out at night. The jackalope will drink its fill of whiskey, and its intoxication will make it easier to hunt. It is also legend that the Cherokee Indians would eat these at the end of a vision quest. It is written that you can extract the Jackalope's milk as it sleeps belly up at night. The milk is belived to be medicinal and can be used to treat a variety of afflictions. The truth is these creatures are aggressive and unpredictable, and should not be provoked for any reason!
Hotheaded Naked Ice Borers
In its April 1995 issue Discover Magazine announced that the highly respected wildlife biologist Dr. Aprile Pazzo had discovered a new species in Antarctica: the hotheaded naked ice borer. These fascinating creatures had bony plates on their heads that, fed by numerous blood vessels, could become burning hot, allowing the animals to bore through ice at high speeds. They used this ability to hunt penguins, melting the ice beneath the penguins and causing them to sink downwards into the resulting slush where the hotheads consumed them. After much research, Dr. Pazzo theorized that the hotheads might have been responsible for the mysterious disappearance of noted Antarctic explorer Philippe Poisson in 1837. "To the ice borers, he would have looked like a penguin," the article quoted her as saying. Discover received more mail in response to this article than they had received for any other article in their history.
The Predictions of Isaac Bickerstaff
In February 1708 a previously unknown London astrologer named Isaac Bickerstaff published an almanac in which he predicted the death by fever of the famous rival astrologer John Partridge. According to Bickerstaff, Partridge would die on March 29 of that year. Partridge indignantly denied the prediction, but on March 30 Bickerstaff released a pamphlet announcing that he had been correct: Partridge was dead. It took a day for the news to settle in, but soon everyone had heard of the astrologer's demise. On April 1, April Fool's Day, Partridge was woken by a sexton outside his window who wanted to know if there were any orders for his funeral sermon. Then, as Partridge walked down the street, people stared at him as if they were looking at a ghost or stopped to tell him that he looked exactly like someone they knew who was dead. As hard as he tried, Partridge couldn't convince people that he wasn't dead. Bickerstaff, it turned out, was a pseudonym for the great satirist Jonathan Swift.His prognosticatory practical joke upon Partridge worked so well that the astrologer finally was forced to stop publishing his almanacs, because he couldn't shake his reputation as the man whose death had been foretold.
San Serriffe
In 1977 the British newspaper The Guardian published a special seven-page supplement in honor of the tenth anniversary of San Serriffe, a small republic located in the Indian Ocean consisting of several semi-colon-shaped islands. A series of articles affectionately described the geography and culture of this obscure nation. Its two main islands were named Upper Caisse and Lower Caisse. Its capital was Bodoni, and its leader was General Pica. The Guardian's phones rang all day as readers sought more information about the idyllic holiday spot. Few noticed that everything about the island was named after printer's terminology.
Planetary Alignment Decreases Gravity
In 1976 the British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on BBC Radio 2 that at 9:47 AM a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event was going to occur that listeners could experience in their very own homes. The planet Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, temporarily causing a gravitational alignment that would counteract and lessen the Earth's own gravity. Moore told his listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment that this planetary alignment occurred, they would experience a strange floating sensation. When 9:47 AM arrived, BBC2 began to receive hundreds of phone calls from listeners claiming to have felt the sensation. One woman even reported that she and her eleven friends had risen from their chairs and floated around the room.
Mary Toft and the Rabbit Babies
England during the reign of King George I (1660-1727) was full of oddities, shams, and charlatans. King George himself was a bit of an oddity, never bothering to learn English and keeping his wife imprisoned for 32 years. But for sheer strangeness, nothing surpassed the infamous case of Mary Toft of Godalming and her rabbit babies.In September, 1726 Mary Toft began to give birth to rabbits. The local surgeon, John Howard, responded to her family's summons and hurried to Mary's house where, to his amazement, he helped her deliver nine of the animals. They were all born dead, and they were actually rabbit parts rather than whole rabbits. Nevertheless, this didn't lessen the amazing fact that she was giving birth to them.John Howard excitedly wrote to other men of science around the country, urging them to help him investigate this bizarre phenomenon. Soon two prominent men, sent by the King himself, arrived to investigate: Nathanael St. Andre, surgeon-anatomist to the King, and Samuel Molyneux, secretary to the Prince of Wales. Mary explained to these men that she had recently miscarried, but that during the pregnancy she had intensely craved rabbit meat. After unsuccessfully attempting to chase down several rabbits, she had dreamt that there were rabbits in her lap. The next thing she knew, she was giving birth to rabbits.In the presence of the doctors, Mary continued to give birth to even more rabbits.The men performed tests to verify the reality of the phenomenon. For instance, they placed a piece of the lung of one of the rabbits in water and noted that it floated. This meant that the rabbit must have breathed air before its death, which could not have happened inside a womb. Amazingly, the doctors ignored this evidence and decided that there was no deception involved and that Mary really was giving birth to the rabbits.On November 29th Mary was brought to London. By now her case had become a national sensation, and huge crowds surrounded the house where she was kept. But when kept under constant supervision, Mary stopped giving birth to rabbits, and her case quickly began to unravel.Witnesses came forward who claimed that they had supplied Mary's husband with rabbits. Then, when a famous London physician, Sir Richard Manningham, threatened that he might have to surgically examine Mary's uterus in the name of science, she wisely decided to confess.She explained that she had simply inserted the dead rabbits inside her womb when no one was looking, motivated by a desire for fame and the hope of receiving a pension from the King. She was briefly imprisoned for fraud, but was released without trial. It is said that she managed to give birth to a normal, human child less than a year later.John Howard and Nathanael St. Andre, the two surgeons who had most passionately believed and defended her, fared less well. Their medical careers were both ruined.
Spring, plums, spartans and aesthetics
Current mood: ecstatic
Category: Life
It's spring in Bergen and the sun is finally shining. This means that Ms. Starry is mostly smiling and laughing - some would say: Thank God! (myself included - it was about fuckin' time!) So at work today I remembered my happy-song (a Norwegian (?) childrens' song) and sang it to one of my colleagues. And what do you know? It has an instant effect on others as well :0) So I decided to share my happy-song with the world:
Hvis du eier tusen plommer Kan du leve hele året Er det hull i dine lommer Kan du klø deg selv på låret
Jeg har verken tusen plommer Eller hull i mine lommer Jeg har bare godt humør Og kan klø meg hvis det klør
(And in translation (roughly): If you own a thousand plums you can live all year If you have holes in your pockets You can scratch your thigh.
I don't own a thousand plums Or have any holes in my pockets I have only my good mood and can scratch myself if I itch)
Isn't it just lovely? I sure think so, but then I find pleasure in the weirdest things.
Anyway...
I went to the movies yesterday and saw '300'.
And I just have to say that this is the most excellent, wonderful, beautiful and pompous bullshit I have seen in a good long while. Hairy and/or oily men in leather panties combined with blood, swords, heroism and an extreme amount of cheesy posing make for an intensely entertaining evening in my eyes. And those washboard abs MUST have been painted on, nobody looks like that. No one that is able to act anyway (No, Arnold!)
And I must admit that I'm a complete sucker for films like this - with beautiful images and amazing effects (never mind the plot and all that - if the images pleases my sense of aesthetics I'm a happy camper).
'The 5th Element' is one of my fave movies, and not just because The Bruce makes my hormones tingle, but because the sheer eye-candy that this movie is. And the frenchies have produced some of the most amazing films I've ever seen - like 'Delicatessen' and 'The City of Lost Children' (Jeunet/Caro). Also 'Vidocq' was very pretty. And (not french) 'Dark City'. And 'The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover'. And Kusturica's 'Underground'...you get the idea right?
And then 'Sin City' came on last year (?) and blew me away (about time, it had been a while). '300' wasn't anywhere near as good, but I imagine this is as good an adaptation of Millers comic that one could get. And if you think the story sucks - well, blame Frank Miller!
And it made me giggle a lot. Take a look at these quotes (Conan eat yer heart out! (well, not really)):
Spartan King Leonidas: This is where we fight! This is where they die!
Spartan King Leonidas: Spartans! Enjoy your breakfast, for tonight we dine in Hell!
Persian Emissary: This is madness! Spartan King Leonidas: Madness? This is Sparta!
Xerxes, Persian King: When we attack today, our arrows will blot out the sun! Leonidas, Spartan King: Good; then we will fight in the shade.
And it was also enjoyable seeing Dominic West (McNulty in The Wire) prancing around in a toga...
Very suitable quote from The Wire: Det. William Moreland: Them Greeks sure have some weird-ass names. Det. James 'Jimmy' McNulty: Hey, don't knock the Greeks. They invented civilization. Det. William Moreland: Yeah, and ass-fucking, too.
Anyway, the sun is shining and the world is good! Enjoy!
An update on recent stuf...
Current mood: high
Category: Blogging
FILMS: I went to see the movie 'Dreamgirls' last night. And I just wanted to tell everybody that this movie absloutely SUCKED. Big time! So much that it was painful to watch and I just wanted to die. Even though I've never been into musicals and stuff like that I know that this could've been done SO much better. It started off kinda good and it had cool costumes and good actors - this movie DID have potential. But then the musical diva-hell broke loose and just made it silly (people just could not stop laughing). I'm just glad the ticket was a freebie... One thing that did amuse me by this film was that James 'Thunder' Early played by (a very good) Eddie Murphy is very similar in looks and character to the Cat in Red Dwarf. Check it out!
SERIES Otherwise I have been watching The X-Files (Season 1-4) lately. It's still good! Cool pic, eh?
And I've finally given in. Prison Break is da bomb! I have always had problems watching heist movies and plots that rely on nothing going wrong (because I get so tense and nervous), so I figured this was gonna be like that. But I have now endured 6 episodes, and even though I now need a break, I still find it intriguing and kinda fun. Wonder what the appeal is...hehe
And there is a wonderful Danish crime series that makes it worth it to watch tv again. 'Forbrydelsen' makes me cry, it gives me goosebumps and just the right amount of disillusionment to feel really really bad, plus it's truly exciting.
LIVE MUSIC I have just wandered eyes open into total financial ruin. I bought tickets to see Pet Shop Boys and Magnolia Electric Co who's playing at Bergenfest in late april. But hell, I think it'll be worth every øre. And since I've been complaining about the musical draught lately, this is going to be great.
And what do you know? When it rains, it pours: Roky Erickson is confirmed playing at Øya Festivalen in Oslo this summer!!!
I'm definitely going, financial ruin or not!
This friday I went to Hulen to see Team Blitzkrieg, but they were really boring (sad to say) and I went to Garage instead (where I fainted and went home).
MUSIC On new music: I have tried to get into some new, hip and trendy music lately, but I guess I'm just not THERE anymore (not that I've ever been). Usually I lag behind mostly everybody by appr. two years. When people recommend me new music, I tend to hate it, just to completely love it some years after.
But okay...this is what I found so far:
Magneta Lane - Dancing With Daggers
TV on the Radio - Return To Cookie Mountain
Junior Boys - Last Exit
Band of Horses - Everything All The Time
And what about this band Ok Go!? I had never heard of it before it quite randomly appeared on my computer, and I fell a little in love with that insanely catchy song 'Get Over It' and then I saw the video of 'Here It Goes Again' and fell deeply in love. Happy catchy tunes like this are just what an old and disillusioned woman like me needs (right now anyway). These are the boys that can...I say Ok Go!
BOOKS: I've read quite a few books lately, seeing I've been staying at home being sick a lot. But not all are good though (I have an unhealthy tendency to gorge down all types of crime literature that come my way).
But these are the good ones:
Håndtering av Udøde - Jan Ajvide Lindquist This book (as well as its predecessor La Den Rette Komme Inn) is truly amazing. It is a book about zombies. It's about when somebody you love deeply have just died, and all you want is for them to come back - and about what it's like when they suddenly do. This is horror and emotional drama at its absolutely best. It's a extraordinary story about the way we feel pain and loss and loneliness. Without a doubt one of the best books I've EVER read!
The Glass Castle - Jeannette Walls Memoir about a very special family, with parents that live by the dine and dash philosophy, and how to grow up with parents that act more like children than parents. It struck me that this book easily could've become a whiny and sentimental elegy full of self pity, but instead she manages to avoid the obvious drama trappings and focuses mostly on the amazing people she grew up with, for good and for bad. Reminded me a lot about Mary Karr's 'Cherry' and 'Liars Club' - both excellent in the memoir genre.
Lunar Park - Bret Easton Ellis This is perhaps the weirdest book I've read in a good long while. I guess you just have to read it for yourself to understand what I mean. But that Bret; He really knows how to take you for that mental rollercoaster-ride, that fucks you up and leaves you gasping for air, wondering what happened.
Anthem - Ayn Rand Easy read with heavy contents. Individualism - wow!
Catch 22 - Joseph Heller I cannot stop praising this book. It took me so many years before I finally read it, and still the excellence of it caught me completely off guard. Read it!
I'm not cynical. I'm just experienced.
Current mood: cynical
Category: Life
Yeah, well..I have now been cooped up at home, sick (again!), bored and just a teeny tiny bit FUCKING ANNOYED with life and everything. So, as any other sicko would, I decided to share the F.U.N. of the cynics brain with the rest of you jolly people out there who actually read my blog. I have picked out some stuff and some one-liners that best reflect my dark and sinister mood-swings these days. Here you go...Enjoy UNCYCLOPEDIA.ORG on cynicism: "A cynic is one who knows the price of pizza but not the value of the pepperonies." - Oscar Wilde on being cynical about cynics
"That's why cynics make a lot of money out of those with the opposite problem." - The Knowledge Pixie
"Why must the World be so full of idiots" - Cynic on the World
"What do you mean by that?" - Idiot on the Cynics remark
What is it? Like Philosophy is the ultimate stage of self reason, Cynicism is the final stage of trying to reason with others.
Who becomes it? A person becomes cynic when he looks at the universe and tries to say something sarcastic about it, but is misinterpretated for it as being clever. When admired by dumbasses who don't get his or her point, the cynic turns from smeering the world to overtly scorning whomever he is talking to. Unfortunately for the cynic, this just improves his reputation.
What is it not? Cynics relate to optimists, who say Everything is good, by adding compared to you and to pessimists, who say All is wrong by adding you're right!; since these statements are far too clever for either the optimist or pessimist to grasp, the true cynic just turns even more cynical against those two attitudes.
The cynic medicine is: If you are an optimist, why don't you look up a wonderful view from a high ledge that you might like to jump off from? If you are a pessimist, why don't you start reading the world news?
Any more stupid remarks? Famous cynics in popular culture include Ben Harper from "My Family," Daria, and I'm sure you can add your own. Cynics on the comics pages include Dogbert and Garfield.
The UN is currently employing several thousand cynics in an effort to find a cure for George W. Bush. Also, cynics get all the best lines in expensive Broadway musicals.
Aging, Rick James and maybe even cheap cellular phones amount to cynicism, so does having a dog that's black named Shadow.
Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Cynicism"
- We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse - And just when you've accepted life's a bitch, it has puppies. - Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. - Some days you're the bug. Some days you're the windscreen. - I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. - I'm not pessimistic. I'm just optimistically challenged. - Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. - Give me ambiguity or give me something else. - Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship - Who stopped payment on my reality check? - Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. - If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? - I'm not cynical. I'm just experienced. - Well this day was a total waste of make-up. - I think, therefore I'm single. - If you love something, turn it loose. If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it. - Love many, trust few, and always paddle your own canoe. - Love is a merry little elf who dances a jig, then turns on you with a machine gun. - Sadly, all men are created equal. - If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. - The fastest way to a man's heart is to saw his breastplate open. - This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me. - I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference. - Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Insults - try using them. You'll feel SO much better! (Unfortunately I never do, hence this blog...) - Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution. - It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. - Next time you wave, use all your fingers. - You are depriving some poor village of its idiot. - Okay, okay I take it back. Un-Fuck you! - I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. - A hard-on does not count as personal growth - The more I think of you, the less I think of you. - I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce. - I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. - You have no idea how acutely depressing it is to realize we're from the same species. - Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do. - Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma. - You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. - If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
These were just funny: - Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! - Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. - If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
And some dude on stupid questions: Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops...never mind, didn't see your sign."
"It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol'stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning ..okay...no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."
I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."
I got these insult quotes from Jimmy...Enjoy!
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one." George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one." Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination." Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." Billy Wilder
Currently
listening
:
Hymns for the Hopeless
By
William Elliott Whitmore
Release date: 07 October, 2003
Just for the fun of it...
Current mood: groggy
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
I found some really hilarious stuff the other day. This page makes me turn into the office idiot, breaking down in manic fits of laughter and some times just your ordinary wicked giggle.
The BEST Album Covers...Ever!
Current mood: crushed
Category: Art and Photography
While my friend Nick writes books on the worst album covers of all time (check it out!!! It's amazing: bizarrerecords.com) I have decided to blog about the best/prettiest/coolest album covers ever made...please post your contributions... P.S. It doesn't matter if the music sucks as long as the cover rocks!
Sophisticats
The Clash - London Calling
Baby Woodrose - Blows Your Mind
Baby Woodrose - Love Comes Down
The Fantômas Melvins Big Band - Millennium Monsterwork 2000
Soundtrack of My Life...
Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Music
Songs: Ohia - Almost Was Good Enough (Once)
It's been hard doing anything Winter stuck around so long I kept trying anyhow and I'm still trying now Just to keep working, just to keep working I remember when it didn't use to be so hard This used to be impossible A new season has to begin I can feel it leaning in whispering "Nothing's lonely now" Nothing anymore in pain A tall shadow dressed how secrets always dress When they want everyone to know that they're around Leaning in whispering "my friend over there Don't know what he's talking about" Did you really believe That everyone makes it out? Almost no one makes it out I'm going to use that street to hide From that human doubt To hide from what was shining And has finally burned us out But if no one makes it out How come you're talking to one right now For once almost was good enough
Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis - Tom Waits
Hey Charlie, I'm pregnant And living on the 9th street Right above a dirty bookstore Off Euclid Avenue And I stopped takin' dope And I quit drinkin' whiskey And my old man plays the trombone And works out at the track
And he says that he loves me Even though its not his baby And he says that he'll raise him up Like he would his own son And he gave me a ring That was worn by his mother And he takes me out dancin' Every saturday night.
And hey Charlie, I think about you Everytime I pass a fillin' station On account of all the grease You used to wear in your hair And I still have that record Of Little Anthony & the Imperials But someone stole my record player Now how do you like that?
Hey Charlie, I almost went crazy After Mario got busted So I went back to Omaha to Live with my folks But everyone I used to know Was either dead or in prison So I came back to Minneapolis This time I think I'm gonna stay.
Hey Charlie I think I'm happy For the first time since my accident And I wish I had all the money That we used to spend on dope I'd buy me a used car lot And I wouldn't sell any of 'em I'd just drive a different car Every day, dependin' on how I feel
Hey Charlie, for chrissakes Do you want to know the truth of it? I don't have a husband He don't play the trombone And I need to borrow money To pay this lawyer And Charlie, hey I'll be eligible for parole Come Valentines day
cynical
disappointed
horny
mischievous
ecstatic
high
groggy
