Oliver Stone presents
Current mood: geeky
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

And now, another episode of "AT THE MOVIES"...

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"Hi, I'm Roger Ebert of the Tatooine Sun-Times.."

"And I'm Gene Siskel of the Tatooine Tribune.."

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"Today, we're reviewing the new docu-drama "THE TATOOINE CONSPIRACY" directed by Oliver Stone.  Stone, as you know, has quite a reputation for being a conspiracy nut, after making a string of controversial hits that include "JFK", "Platoon", and "Nixon", where the facts of history have been embellished if not downright fabricated to serve Mr. Stone's cinematic needs.  Here, Stone turns his camera onto our own suburb of the universe, Tatooine, and highlights a series of events that HE claims, is yet another conspiracy.  Let's watch a clip... 

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"(Stone in voice-over narration) The day started just like any other on Tatooine: arid and dry, a comfortable 120 degrees with an occassional warm gust of wind blowing through the sand dunes and mountain gullies.  The suns stood midpoint in the cloudless sky, silent twin sentinels keeping watch over the planet's inhabitants.  Far on the horizon, unnoticed at first, a thick cloud of black smoke suddenly began snaking its way up into the air, announcing what was to become known locally as 'The Sandcrawler Massacre'...    

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"Tatooine authorities found what can only be described as a scene from a horor movie: an empty Jawa Sandcrawler burning out of control in the sandy desert just off the Dune Sea, its rusty metal hull marked with hundreds of blaster points, pieces of metal and debris lying all around, a testament to the furious gun battle that took place just hours before. But worst of all were the dead Jawa bodies, dozens and dozens of them -36 all told, all thrown into neat little piles and set ablaze.  It was an awful sight.  Who could have done this? And why? There were several clues left behind at the scene... like Bantha tracks and this Gaffi Stick...

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"(Stone) So of course the authorities saw these clues, immediately jumped to the conclusion that "The Sandpeople did it", and pretty much wrote it off as case closed.  The Tatooine newspapers all printed the headline: "Tusken Raiders kill Jawas in 'Sandcrawler Massacre' and that was all it took.  People shook their heads and went on with their day because, really, who cares about a bunch of disgusting Jawas?  Well, the answer is ME. I care. And I wasn't buying the official record that the Tuskens did it.  I mean, first off, WHY would the Tuskens want to slaughter Jawas? Something just wasn't sitting right with me.  So I began to deconstruct the case point by point.  First, I looked at the blaster marks on the Sandcrawler's hull. 

DIRECTOR OLIVER STONE

I went to the Tusken camps and found their best marksman.  I then took him to a Sandcrawler I'd bought from the Jawas, set up my cameras, and asked the Tusken to shoot at the Crawler while we filmed him.  You know what? He couldn't do it.  Out of nearly fifty shots, he only hit the Crawler twice, and one of those only because the bullet ricocheted off the canyon wall.  And this was their BEST marksman.  They're terrible shots.   

STONE AND FILM CREW TRYING TO REPRODUCE THE SAME RESULTS

The blast points on the Crawler from the Massacre? They were much too accurate for Sand People.  Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise. And the supposed 'Bantha Tracks' that were found at the scene? Those tracks were side by side.  Sand People always ride single file to hide their numbers.  Those tracks weren't Bantha.  They were Dewback.  And they weren't made by Sand People."

TUSKEN RAIDER ATOP A BANTHA

"I was on to something that smelled an awful lot like a conspiracy.  So I did some more research into the official record and I found something very interesting..."

DIRECTOR OLIVER STONE

 "A report of an object that had fallen out of the sky several hours before and had crash landed on a moisture farmer's property, leaving behind a small debris field."

THE MYSTERIOUS DEBRIS FIELD, BLUE TENT MARKS WHERE THE 'IMPACT CRATOR' WAS DISCOVERED

"Through the Freedom of Information Act, we tracked down the owner of the property and found out it belonged to a Mr. Owen Lars.  Lars was just another moisture farmer on Tatooine, nothing special, nothing that separated him from a dozen or more OTHER moisture farmers, except that something had fallen out of the sky on his property the morning of the "Sandcrawler Massacre".  He had called the Tatooine authorities and told them that what looked like an 'escape pod' had crash landed on his property and he was wondering what he should do with it. He was told to leave it be and that the authorities would come and take care of it. 

OWEN LARS, THE MOISTURE FARMER WHO FOUND THE FALLEN OBJECT ON HIS PROPERTY

We wanted to go and speak with him, have him tell us on camera what exactly he had found that day, but we were unable to meet with him.  Owen Lars and his wife Beru died in what medical examiners have labeled a 'farming accident'.

 'GENTLEMEN, THIS WAS NO 'FARMING' ACCIDENT..'

"Lar's death did not deter us from poking around further on Tatooine.  Through anonymous sources, my film crew learned of a Dewback Rental Dealer in the Mos Eisley Spaceport area who had told some friends that he had just rented three Dewbacks to a squadron of Imperial Stormtroopers the day of the 'Sandcrawler Massacre'.  So we got directions to his place, and wanted to interview him as well.  Perhaps he could shed some light on this conspiracy..." 

DEWBACK RENTAL OFFICE IN MOS EISLEY SPACEPORT

"But again we encountered another mysterious roadblock.  The owner was dead, the victim of a 'Dewback Attack'.  His wife found his mangled body in the animal pens in the back.  She was despondant and didn't talk to anybody for days afterwards.  She never trusted the Dewbacks, she had told her neighbors, and wanted her husband to sell the business and get out of the profession all together.  She feared that one day he would get attacked by the animals and now it looked as though her worst fears had just come true.  She moved off Tatooine two weeks later and nobody knows where she went.  After all I had seen so far, I had reason to doubt the official story of 'Dewback Attack Vicitim', but unfortunatly, there was no way to ask him how exactly he had died.  Dead men tell no tales." 

VICTIM OF 'DEWBACK ATTACK' OR IMPERIAL COVER-UP?

"While we were in Mos Eisley, another really strange thing was brought to our attention, stories about one particular cantina patron who just 'disappeared' into thin air, his friends told us.  His name was Lak Srvrak and he was a regular at Ernie's bar and grill.   

LAK SRVRAK -HERE ONE DAY AND GONE THE NEXT

"Lak's friends told us they really didn't know anything about the man, just knew him from drinking at the bar but they'd become fairly close to him in recent days.  They told us that as he got more drunk, he'd start telling them wild stories about him being the architect of a giant space station that was as big as a moon and had enough fire power to destroy an entire planet.  He said that he had signed a confidentiality clause and that he wasn't supposed to be telling them any of this but the more he drank, the more he kept talking about it.  He told them that he was fired from the project one day when he raised concerns that there was an inherent weakness in the design: a small thermal exhaust port right below the main port.  He told them that a direct hit by something as small as a proton torpedo would start a chain reaction that could quite possibly destroy the entire space station. But they didn't want to hear about it.  They were 'too proud of this technological terror they had constructed', Lak had said.  His friends always laughed off his stories until the day right after the "Sandcrawler Massacre", the day Lak disappeared from the world.  They gave us a photo snapshot they had taken of Lak the day before his disappearance and then told us to go review the cantina's security tapes and see for ourselves.  Sure enough, his image had been mysteriously replaced on the tape by someone else.  Who had done this? And why? Why did someone want Lak out of the picture?  What did he know?     

A COMPARISON OF PHOTOS PROVES A CONSPIRACY

"There is a definite conspiracy happening right now over on Tatooine and I only have the smallest pieces of it to show you.  We are through the looking glass now, people: Up is down and black is white.  It's like a mystery wrapped up in a riddle inside an enigma.  I only hope that when the data is analzyed, a truth can be found."    

DIRECTOR STONE. ON TO SOMETHING OR CONSPIRACY NUT?

-end of film clip-

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"The only 'mystery' this film presents is how a major movie studio allowed Stone to mix countless half-truths and wild conjecture and call it 'history'.  I found 'THE TATOOINE CONSPIRACY' to be an over-indulgent fantasy of a once-great filmmaker while Gene found it interesting and the points it brings up worthy of more investigation.  Two thumbs way down for me, and Gene gives it two thumbs up.  That's all for tonight's episode of AT THE MOVIES, join us next week when we review the new film, "SEARCHING FOR CHEWIE FISHER"...

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"...the tragic tale of a chess prodigy who was ultimately driven mad by his genius and began pulling people's arms out of their sockets.  Thanks for watching and until next week, the balcony is closed."   

~well, that's my blog for today gang! Hope you got a couple good laughs out of it. Please leave me a comment with your thoughts and until we meet again, May the Force Be With You.     -Larry

5:04 AM - 23 Comments - 22 Kudos - Add Comment

'DANGER! DANGER, LUKE SKYWALKER!"
Current mood: artistic
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

One day, on the planet Tatooine, a Jawa Sandcrawler stopped in front of the Lars Moisture Farm in hopes that the grumpy old man who lived there with his young nephew might need a new droid to help them work on their vaporators. 

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Lars and his nephew browsed through the Jawas' latest offerings because they did indeed require a droid who could help them repair the condensers on the South Ridge.

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They found the perfect droid and bought it from the Jawas.  Luke brought it into the garage to clean it up before the next day's work.

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"GREETINGS. I AM A B-9 ENVIORNMENTAL CONTROL ROBOT. THE TEMPERATURE IN THIS ROOM IS EXACTLY FOUR DEGREES HIGHER THAN THE STANDARD UNIT DESIGNATED FOR HUMAN COMFORT.  I AM NOW GOING TO ADJUST THE THERMOSTAT SO THAT YOU MAY RELAX AT A MORE BEARABLE TEMPERATURE."

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"It just isn't fair! Oh, Biggs is right! I'm NEVER gonna get out of here!"

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"YOU ARE CORRECT, LUKE SKYWALKER. ACCORDING TO MY STATISTICAL DATA, THE ODDS OF YOU SUCCESSFULLY ESCAPING YOUR UNCLE'S MOISTURE FARM BUSINESS AND LEADING A MORE FULFILLED LIFE OF YOUR OWN CHOOSING IS NIL AT BEST.  MY ACCURATE MATHEMATICAL PROJECTIONS SHOWS YOU ASSUMING THE FAMILY FARM UPON YOUR UNCLE'S DEATH WHERE YOU WILL EVENTUALLY ACHIEVE A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY WHILE FALLING FURTHER AND FURTHER IN DEBT AT THE COSTS OF MAINTAINING THE BUSINESS.  GIVEN YOUR CURRENT AGE AND HEALTH STATUS, YOU WILL LIVE TO BE APPROXIMATELY 84 YEARS OLD AND WILL DIE IN COMPLETE DESTITUTION.  ACCORDING TO MY DATA."  

"If you don't mind, Robot, I'm gonna go out and get some air."

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"DANGER! DANGER, LUKE SKYWALKER! YOU MUST RETURN TO THE SAFETY OF THE LARS HOMESTEAD AT ONCE! BY EXITING THE DOMICILE AT THIS LATE EVENING HOUR, YOU ARE SUBJECTING YOURSELF TO ATTACK BY TUSKEN RAIDERS OR DEATH BY HYPOTHERMIA IF YOU ARE EXPOSED TO THE ELEMENTS WITHOUT WEARING YOUR PONCHO."

In the middle of the night, Luke is shaken awake by the robot, who is standing over his bed:

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"LUKE SKYWALKER, MY AUDIO RECEPTORS REGISTERED YOU MAKING LOUD NOCTURNAL SOUNDS INDICATING THAT YOU WERE HAVING DIFFICULTY BREATHING.  'SNORING' OCCURS WHEN YOUR THROAT DRIES OF MOISTURE AND THE INTAKE OF AIR THROUGH THE NASAL CAVITIES PASS OVER THE VOCAL CHORDS AND RESULT IN A LOUD VIBRATION. MIGHT I GIVE YOU THIS GLASS OF WATER TO MOISTEN YOUR THROAT SO THAT YOU MAY ONCE MORE RETURN TO A MORE PEACEFUL STATE OF SLUMBER?"

The next morning, Luke's aunt, Beru Lars, wakens him in an anxious and nervous tizzy.  "It's the robot! He's completely taken over my kitchen! Hurry, Luke! Get him out of there! I can't make breakfast for your uncle? See what it's up to, ok? I'm scared!"

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Luke walks into the Lars' kitchen and finds a mess.  The robot is busily rolling back and forth while smoke comes from the oven.  "Robot, what the hell are you DOING in here?"

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"ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS, LUKE SKYWALKER, YOU HAVE NOT PROPERLY OBSERVED TWENTY-FOUR OF YOUR LAST TWENTY-FIVE BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS, IN WHICH THERE IS SUPPOSED TO BE TWO BIRTH PARENTS, PRESENTS, FRIENDS,  LAUGHING AND MUCH FRIVOLITY. SO I HAVE BAKED YOU A CAKE AS A SYMBOLIC GESTURE OF ALL THE YEARS YOU HAVE MISSED THIS JOYOUS CELEBRATION.  I WAS EVEN ABLE TO REPLICATE A PASSABLE IMITATION OF BLUE MILK BECAUSE I HAVE OBSERVED HOW MUCH YOU ENJOY THAT PARTICULAR LIQUID."

The next morning, Luke takes the Robot to the South Ridge to help him repair some condensers that have been acting up again.  The two speed through the Tatooine sand dunes in Luke's landspeeder.

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"DANGER! DANGER, LUKE SKYWALKER! AT THE CURRENT RATE OF SPEED YOU ARE DRIVING THIS LANDSPEEDER, YOU ARE FOUR TIMES MORE LIKEY TO INJURE YOURSELF IN AN ACCIDENT AND SEVEN TIMES MORE LIKELY TO CAUSE BODILY HARM OR EVEN DEATH TO AN UNSUSPECTING PEDESTRIAN! I RECOMMEND YOU IMMEDIATELY SLOW YOUR ACCELLERATION OF THIS VEHICLE AT ONCE!"

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"Ok, Robot. Here's what I need you to do. I can't seem to fix this unit. It hasn't worked right in about two weeks.  You can hear the motors turning but I'm not able to draw down any condensation.  Can you fix this?"

"I HAVE NO PAST EXPERIENCE WITH WORKING WITH THESE TYPES OF MODELS BUT I WILL JUST TAKE A MOMENT TO ACCESS THE DATA RECORDS IN MY MEMORY BANKS AND I SHOULD BE ABLE TO SUCCESSFULLY REPAIR THIS BROKEN CONDENSER UNIT.  OK, I HAVE REVIEWED THE SCHEMATICS AND I AM READY TO PROCEED."

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Later that evening, after deciding not to tell Uncle Owen that three of his expensive condensers on the South Ridge have been completely destroyed, Luke retires to his bedroom to hide from the world. 

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"LUKE SKYWALKER, MY SENSORS ARE TELLING ME THAT YOU ARE IN A MOOD CALLED 'DEPRESSION'. THIS PARTICULAR MOOD IS VERY DESTRUCTIVE TO A HUMAN'S FEELINGS OF WORTH AND WELL-BEING AND I ADVISE YOU TO IMMEDIATELY CHOOSE ANOTHER EMOTIONAL MOOD.  MIGHT I SUGGEST 'OPTIMISTIC'? OR EVEN 'JUBILANT'? I HAVE BEEN PROGRAMMED WITH OVER SIXTY-EIGHT SONGS THAT ARE MEANT TO CHEER UP A HUMAN SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION. '(singing) JUST WHAT MAKES THAT LITTLE OLD ANT... THINK HE CAN PUSH A RUBBER TREE PLANT..."

Luke suddenly turns and asks, "Hey Robot, do you wanna go for a ride somewhere?"

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"YES, LUKE SKYWALKER. I WOULD ENJOY GOING FOR A RIDE SOMEWHERE IN YOUR LANDSPEEDER.  THERE IS APPROXIMATELY FOUR HOURS LEFT OF DAYLIGHT SO WE MUST RETURN WITHIN THAT TIME PERIOD."

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"SLOW DOWN, LUKE SKYWALKER! ONCE AGAIN, YOU ARE STEERING THIS VEHICLE AT A DANGEROUS RATE OF SPEED.  IF YOU WOULD LIKE, I CAN ASSUME CONTROL OF THIS VEHICLE FOR YOU AND WILL DRIVE AT A MUCH MORE LOWER SPEED, WHICH WILL BE SAFER FOR BOTH YOU AND MYSELF.  WHERE ARE WE GOING, IF I MAY INQUIRE?"

"There's a great little junkyard in Mos Espa I think you'd like.  I know someone who works there."

.. .. me get this straight...you want to give me robot for FREE? I can sell and keep all the money? hmmm... me thinks you are trying to pull a fast one on old Watto... hmm... ok, I'll take the robot. You are a sucker, I think. Hehehehehe.."

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"What do you MEAN the robot must have wandered off?  Where is it, Luke?"

"Dunno... it's just gone."

"What am I going to do about those condensers now?"

"Isn't it Tuesday? Don't the Jawas always stop by on Tuesdays? We can just go get another droid. No big deal.  In fact, I think I hear the Sandcrawler now. Let's go check it out."

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So Luke and his Uncle bought TWO droids this time, in case one of them ran away again.

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And the rest -as they say- is HISTORY.

-end

Well, that's it gang. Another Star Wars blog for your entertainment. I hope you enjoyed it. Drop me a comment and let me know what you thought. Have a great weekend and May the Force Be With You. Always.

~Larry

(amusing little after-credits sequence:)

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"Can I have it, dad? Please? Please?"

"Well, it depends on how much it costs, WILL. I don't have a lot of money to spend right now."

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"That thing is driving me CRAAAAZY!! I give it to you for a real good price. How about... FREE?"

Currently watching : Star Wars Episode IV - A New Hope (1977 & 2004 Versions, 2-Disc Widescreen Edition) Release date: 12 September, 2006

12:01 AM - 25 Comments - 19 Kudos - Add Comment

'You ate THAT thing? You're braver than I thought!
Current mood: hungry
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

MEAT RECALL!

For being the furthest planet from the bright center of the universe, Tatooine sure has a knack for keeping itself firmly rooted in the public's eye.  Aside from being the 'not so secret' base of operations for syndicated crime boss Jabba the Hutt, Tatooine once again finds itself entangled in an intergalactic controversy, this time involving the possible exportation of contaminated meat product. 

BANTHA BURGER- DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH?

Health officials grew concerned when hospitals all across the galaxy suddenly began reporting a rash of cases involving severe food poisoning that the patients began exhibiting after eating Bantha Burgers at their local fast food restaurants.

BANTHA     

Officials tested the meat at their labs and were shocked to find that the burgers were all contaminated with spores consistant with MAD BANTHA DISEASE.  An intergalactic health alert went out to destroy all Bantha meat that was currently in circulation and several million pounds of it were confiscated and destroyed.  But health officials fear that there might still be some out there in the general population, perhaps sitting in forgotten freezers of fast food chains. 

TRACING THE SOURCE BACK TO TATOOINE

After a thorough investigation, it was discovered the contaminated meat came from the planet Tatooine, one of only a few worlds where Banthas are found.  Tatooine Authorities were notified and offered their immediate assistance.  Multiple cases of severe food poisoning were immediately traced back to a cantina bar and grill in Mos Eisley.  Several members of a musical group had to be rushed to a hospital after becomming violently ill one night after a regularly-scheduled performance. Figrin D'an and his bandmates all reported eating Bantha Burgers from the grill right before they started getting sick.

FIGRIN D'AN AND THE MODAL NODES BAND

Wuher, the cantina's owner and bartender, denied selling contaminated Bantha Burgers, promised his meat was just as good here as it was in any of the more fancy and upscale kitchens in Mos Espa, and then angrily threw us out of his bar.

"WE DON'T SERVE CONTAMINATED BURGERS HERE! HEY! YOUR UNDERCOVER CAMERA CREW! THEY'LL HAVE TO WAIT OUTSIDE!"

Thousands of Banthas at meat-packing plants were tested for the disease and the ones who tested positive were immediately destroyed.  Tatooine officials next turned their attention to the millions of wild Banthas traveling the sandy plains in herds. 

" WILD BANTHA HERDS 

Untold numbers of the animals had to be put down, an act that not only outraged Bantha Rights activist groups, but also the Tusken Raiders -ferel, hunter/gatherer-type survivalists living in tent communes scattered across the desert. 

THE TUSKEN RAIDERS, ALSO KNOWN AS 'SAND PEOPLE'. 

Tusken Raiders not only use Banthas as their primary mode of transport, but also as Beasts of Burden, using them to aid in the farming, irrigation, and other general labor needs of the commune. 

The Tuskens -furious at the invasion of their lands and slaughter of their Banthas- immediately began to fight back the only way they could.

THE TUSKEN RAIDERS SHOOTING AT UNSUSPECTING PEDESTRIANS IN THE JUNDLAND PASS  

People began reporting that their speeders had been shot at as they traveled back and forth through the Jundland Pass, a stretch of land known to be a Tusken Raider stronghold.  Several people were injured, some serious, but amazingly, there were no fatalities. 

A meeting was called between Tatooine Authorities and representatives of the sand people in hopes of reaching some sort of truce between the two peoples.  Negotiations broke down though, when one of the Sand People reached out and snatched the son of one of the delegates!  

A TUSKEN SNATCHES A CHILD!

The Raider was immediately shot dead and the child returned to the custody of his parent unharmed. 

So that's the troubled state of things in Tatooine.  The Tusken Raiders are still unhappy over the killing of hundreds of Banthas, even taking shots now at the passing drivers participating in the Mos Espa Pod Races...

STILL SHOOTING AT PEOPLE!

Tatooine Authorities have also issued warnings to its people to stay away from any stray Banthas they may encounter in the surrounding spaceports like Anchorhead or Mos Eisley.  MAD BANTHA DISEASE is contageous not only through consumption of their meat, but there is also a danger of transferrence  by coming into contact with their droppings.

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A military blockade of the planet has been put into place by the Imperial Senate to ensure that no more contaminated Bantha meat is flown from its ports.

IMPERIAL STAR DESTROYERS ENFORCING THE QUARANTINE UNTIL THE SPOILED MEAT CRISIS IS OVER

But Health Officials are worried that one last batch of meat containing the MAD BANTHA DISEASE may have gotten off the planet inspite of the blockade.  Representatives say that a known Corillean smuggling ship was seen blasting its way out of Mos Eisley and despite the Star Destroyers' best efforts to stop it, the ship managed to break through. 

"SMUGGLERS BREAKING THROUGH THE QUARANTINE 

A galaxy-wide search is now in effect for this scoundral's spaceship.  Hopefully it can be found before its tainted cargo finds its way into the food chain.  In the mean time, if you or your relatives have any Bantha meat in your refrigerators or freezers, you are instructed to immediatly throw it away and not consume it.

That's it for today's segment of "HEALTH WATCH". We'll be sure to bring you any further developments on this very important story as they happen. Have a healthy and safe afternoon."

~END

well here it is, gang. ANOTHER 'Star Wars' blog. Hope you enjoyed it. Please leave me a comment with your thoughts as I do enjoy reading responses to my creativity.  I hope you have a great day and may the force be with you. Always.

~Larry  

Currently watching : Star Wars Episode IV - A New Hope (1977 & 2004 Versions, 2-Disc Widescreen Edition) Release date: 12 September, 2006

4:30 PM - 20 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

IF THE BLASTER DON'T FIT, YOU MUST ACQUIT
Current mood: jedi
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

IF THE BLASTER DON'T FIT, YOU MUST ACQUIT

by Larry Ludwick (c)2008

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We interrupt our regularly scheduled program to bring you this very special news announcement.  We now take you live to our Galactic Correspondent in Mos Eisley space port on Tatooine.

TATOOINE-THE PLANET GEOGRAPHICALLY FARTHEST FROM THE BRIGHT CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE

"I'm standing here outside the Mos Eisley Court house where just moments ago, the Attorney General of Tatooine concluded a shocking news conference that's left everyone -from the Jundland Wastes all the way out to the Dune Sea- in a state of numbed disbelief. 

ALL CHARGES HAVE BEEN DROPPED AND THE EMPIRE HAS BEEN CLEARED IN THE SAVAGE AND BRUTAL DEATHS OF OWEN AND BERU LARS, A LOCAL MOSITURE FARMER AND HIS WIFE!

OWEN LARS, LOCAL CURMUDGEON   

It was the single biggest news event to hit this planet since the Womp Rat infestation of Beggar's Canyon several years ago:  a moisture farmer and his wife were found dead, their bodies burned beyond recognition and their homestead set afire. 

" CRIME SCENE PHOTO, SMOLDERING CORPSES OF OWEN AND BERU LARS LAY TO THE RIGHT OF HOMESTEAD DOORWAY 

At first, Tatooine authorities suspected the couple's live-in nephew, Luke Skywalker, of committing this heinous act. 

"PERSON OF INTEREST", LUKE SKYWALKER

Friends of Skywalker told investigators that he had fought with his uncle over not being allowed to quit the family business to go join the Academy mere hours before the two bodies were discovered. 

Authorities were further convinced of Luke's involvement when witnesses came forward with information that the young man was last seen in a less than reputable Mos Eisley cantina trying desperately to book passage off the planet.

IMAGE FROM CANTINA SECURITY CAMERA OF SKYWALKER SOLICITING PILOTS TO TAKE HIM TO ALDERAAN

But after an explosive incident and shootout at Docking Bay 94, Tatooine authorites quickly turned their focus on a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers that had recently landed on the planet and were conducting an important "retrieval" operation for the Galactic Empire.

IMPERIAL STORMTROOPERS, RECENTLY ARRIVED ON TATOOINE

The squad was quickly arrested and charged in the deaths of Owen and Beru Lars and have remained in custody awaiting a trial... until today, when they were unexpectedly cleared of all charges and set free.

" IMPERIAL OFFICERS TK-421 AND THX-1138 OUTSIDE THE MOS EISLEY COURT HOUSE, MOMENTS AGO

"We're obviously very happy to have our names cleared from this horrific tragedy," TK-421 told reporters right after the news conference.  "I'm so thankful for my freedom and can't wait to get back to work aboard the Death St--- uh... I mean..." TK-421 stops suddenly and turns to his friend for help.

"What my friend here meant to say," THX-1138 steps up and interrupts, "is we can't wait to go back to our wives and families.  Maybe take a vacation.  Go somewhere nice like Alderaan or Dantooine.  I hear Yavin's nice this time of year."

Tatooine authorities got a very important break in the Lars case when two witnesses stepped forward and gave testimony that was a stark contradiction to the official investigation results. 

UTINNI and JAYMON-DAKKA   

Utinni and Jaymon-Dakka, two Jawas who run a profitable salvage/scrap operation out of their beat up Sandcrawler, told investigators that they saw a mysterious man hanging around the Lars homestead the day they sold the farmer a pair of droids for use on his vaporators.  They provided a description and from that sketch, authorities are now looking for THIS man in connection to the deaths of Owen and Beru Lars:

" GARINDAN, WANTED FOR MURDER

Garindan -a moisture farmer as well in this highly competitive Tatooine market- is actually a well-known troublemaker in these parts and has had numerous scrapes with the law.  He is on record as having a long-running feud with the Lars' and has even been arrested for tampering with Lars's condensers on the South Ridge.

LUKE REPAIRING THE CONDENSERS ON THE SOUTH RIDGE

Requests for interviews from the Garindan family at their moisture farm went unreturned and when our reporters went there to try and speak with Mr. Garindan, the place looked empty and evacuated.

"THE GARINDAN MOISTURE FARM 

To repeat today's top story, Tatooine Authorities have dropped all charges against the Galactic Empire in the deaths of Owen and Beru Lars and are now focusing their investigation on THIS man:

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If you see him, you are to call the Authorities immediately and are not to try and apprehend him yourself.  That's it from the Mos Eisley Court house on Tatooine. We now return you to our studio, where another story is developing...

"Astronomers all across the galaxy are reporting a blinding explosion of light that briefly lit up space in a quadrant that's close to the planet Alderaan."

CURIOUS LIGHTSHOW

"So far, we've been unable to reach anybody from Alderaan to inquire about the explosion.  Their communications systems must be experiencing some sort of technical difficulty.  I'm sure we'll have them on the air shortly..."

-end-

Thanks so much for reading my little Star Wars blog.  Please leave me a comment with your thoughts. I'd love to hear what you think of it! Thanks and may the FORCE be with you!
~Larry

Currently watching : Star Wars Episode IV - A New Hope (1977 & 2004 Versions, 2-Disc Widescreen Edition) Release date: 12 September, 2006

9:53 PM - 23 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment