I Had a Dream
Category: Art and Photography

I had a dream last night, in which I was on stage performing my act.  Except it wasn't my act.  At least, not really, because I'd never told these jokes in this order with these segues.  But I liked how it came out in the dream, so I thought I'd write it down before I forget it again. 

(As an aside, I do all my best thinking when I'm asleep.  I once conjured a perfectly acceptable Pop 40 ballad in my sleep, complete with musical accompaniment and background vocals.  I then awoke to realize that, while awake, I can't play any instruments.  So I just forgot the words and went back to sleep.  I also decided to divorce La Scor-Puta in my sleep.  'Nuff said.)  

In any event, even though I've said some or all of these things before, here's the bit before I forget:

I rented a copy of The Karate Kid the other day.  You know, I'm sure this has happened to all of you.  I'm being harassed by a group of wealthy karate students, and I needed some pointers.  Same old story, right?

That's actually a fucked up movie when you think of it.  I mean, Pat Morita spends the whole damn movie going "Daniel-san, violence not answer ...  Daniel-san, violence not answer ...  Daniel-san, violence not answer ..." and then at the very end of the movie, he watches Daniel-san kick someone's ass and smiles like "Ahhh, Daniel-san finally learn important life lesson."  Yeah, that violence is the fucking answer.

You know, of all things to associate with that movie, I associate it with a strip club.  Because there's this one strip club I went to with my buddies one night, and we walk in, and there's this chick on the pole and in the background I hear "You're the best/around/nothing's gonna ever keep you down ..."  And I knew I was in heaven. 

Because if they've got strippers on the pole to that song, what else are they gonna fall for?  I made a request for She's a Beauty by The Tubes, just to see the look of horror on the face of the stripper on stage when she realized that the song was about not giving money to strippers.  Good times.

I'm not one who usually enjoys the strip club.  I figure why should I pay some chick $10 to give me blue balls when I could fuck her for free?  Oh, I'll go to the strip club.  Like if my buddies want to go and I'm along for the ride or something.  But I'm not particularly interested in the strippers.  I'm the guy who's in the strip club watching the baseball game  Or we play games there, like Guess How Many Kids, or Count the Track Marks, or What Alternative College is She Stripping to Pay For (and Fail).

And - fellas, you might want to take out your notebooks for this one.  I'm passing on some wisdom here.  Turns out, the worse you treat them, the more they want to fuck you.  And if you fuck just one of these girls, you get tremendous word-of-mouth advertising.  She tells two friends, and they tell two friends, and they tell two friends, and before you know it, your dick has its own Prell commercial.

I fucked this one stripper, and got two years worth of stripper sex out of it.  I'm not joking.  Took her home from a club one weekend.  And then the next weekend, me and my buddies were at a different club, and this stripper comes up to me and says, "Hey, aren't you the guy who fucked Dakota last week?  Hi, I'm Savannah."

And then, after I fucked Savannah, I got to fuck Asia, Carolina, Houston, Sydney, Africa, Providence, Paris, Dallas, and China.  B the time I got done, I wasn't sure if I was fucking a bunch of strippers or an atlas.  I'm serious.  I'm driving down the road thinking "Am I going to Salem to fuck Oklahoma, or am I going to Oklahoma to fuck Salem?  Because if so I need to turn around."

But I learned a few things from the whole experience.  First, I learned that chicks will do the sick shit I like.  My ex-wife told me no chick would do that shit, but she was wrong.  They will, so long as their uncle did it to them first.

I asked my ex-wife for anal once, and she said only if she could fuck me up the ass too.  I told her that was fine, but it had to be a penis of equal or lesser value.  Never been so glad to have a small dick my whole life.

What else?  Bi-sexual girlfriends:  Not all they're cracked up to be.  Because when you have a bi-sexual girlfriend, she's always like, "I don't want to have a threesome honey.  I love you.  I only want to be with you." 

Seriously?  What the fuck is the point of having a bi-sexual girlfriend if she's not going to bring home friends for me to fuck?  I could just get a straight girlfriend for that.

And another thing that's not as great as it might seem:  Talkers.  Yeah, at first when you get that girl in bed and she's talking all dirty and saying shit that would make Dick Cheney blush, it's pretty hot.  But eventually, she's gonna run out of shit to say. 

I had this one girlfriend, who all she kept saying over and over again was, "Tell me what you want ...  Tell me what you want ..."  What do I want?  I want you to shut the fuck up.  I'm trying to fuck over here.

OK, so that's it.  If you've read some of this before, and now you had to read it again, fuck you.  This is MySpace, not YourSpace.  If you want fresh material, start paying for it, motherfuckers.

Oh, also:  The above material is entirely fictional.  Any resemblence to any persons or events in my actual life is nothing more than a coincidence for which I am eternally grateful.

8:52 AM - 9 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

New Bumper Sticker
Current mood: impressed
Category: Life

So I’ve got a new bumper sticker, but it comes with a story:

El Scorpito’s been feeling sick lately, and he was pretty miserable and conjested last night.  So last night, while we were watching TV, he asked me, "Can I lay on your chest while I watch?"

"You may lie on my chest," I replied.

So he put his head down on my chest and said, "Chest, I was on American Idol once."

So today I had to go out and get a new bumper sticker that says:

MY KID’S FUNNIER THAN YOUR FUCKING HONOR STUDENT.

That is all.

10:31 AM - 8 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

I’d Still Hit It
Category: Romance and Relationships

I figure after all the times she let me have sex with her back when I was 13, I probably owe her.  Just sayin' is all …

Yep.  I'd still hit it.

8:14 PM - 17 Comments - 22 Kudos - Add Comment

Isn’t It Ironic?
Current mood: inquisitive
Category: Life

I've always heard that you shouldn't do what you love for a living, because it'll just ruin it for you.  That's why I never became a gynecologist.  But then, I'm not sure I'd have done so well as a gyno anyway.  For some reason, chicks don't dig paying men to stick things up their twats.  Goes against the natural order, I guess.

Like, when El Scor-Puta was preggers with The Fetus To Be Named Later, she didn't want to have a man OBGYN.  And of course our HMO had, like, five female ob-gines in the area, and four of those were booked up until the divorce.  So we scheduled an appointment with the only remaining female OBGYN on the list.  A raving bull-dyke.

Talk about your all-time backfire.  I didn't mind it so much really, because I knew that I was prettier than her.  So no competition there.

Plus, she actually was a pretty decent doctor.  But - and I'm no doctor here so I might be making something out of nothing - but I did wonder why she had to check El Scor-Puta's cervical dialation with her tongue.  That was kind of weird.

Still, I had no complaints when we were in the ninth month, because this doctor was a big proponent of having lots of sex to induce labor.  Wasn't quite sure why she had to be there for it ...

11:34 PM - 10 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

Why do the Ad-bots Think I’m Stupid?
Current mood: quixotic

Seriously:

Adbot Message
Hey, what's up? you look sooo familiar! I believe we got drunk together in a party last week. Are you the guy that took Jessica home? Jessica told me she had a wonderful time with you!
Anyway Jessica is becoming more and more sexy. Here's the link to Jessica's private pictures, PLEASE do not give this out to anyone this is for you ONLY!

Check out Jessica's private pictures NOW!
3604865

Me:
Jessica went home with a FROG?  I think maybe her standards need revised.

7:25 AM - 12 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

Mortgage Brokers Are Scumbags
Current mood: Morally superior
Category: Morally superior Jobs, Work, Careers

Yeah I know:  Duh.  But I mean more than we were ever led to believe.  So I'm trying to get this new business off the ground, but I want to have a fallback position just in case, and I'm interviewing with different brokers looking for a position processing or in compliance.  These guys aren't particularly picky; I've got an offer almost immediately.  The conversation went something like this (and by "something like this", I mean that this is word for word exactly what this douchebag said):

So we'd like to offer you a position as a loan officer.  When can you start?

Well, I didn't interview for an LO position really.  But the pay's OK. (Ed:  It came up before.)  What are the hours?

We work from 9 to 6 Monday through Thursday, and from 9 to 5 Friday.

That's fine, except I have to drop off my 9-year old son at school every morning at 8:45.  I don't expect it to be a huge problem, but I'd probably have to come in a few minutes after 9 with traffic and all.  That wouldn't be a big deal would it?

Well, yeah it would.  I can be flexible with lunch, but I really need people coming in at 9.  I have everyone else at 9, and can't make exceptions.  (Ed:  Remember, this is a 100 percent commission job.)

I see.  Well, I can appreciate that you have to run your business the way you think is the best.  But my son's school doesn't open its doors until 8:40.  I guess we're just not a good fit.

I really want to hire you, though.  Do you think you can drop him off 15 minutes early or something?

Wouldn't that be a bit inconvenient?

Everyone has inconveniences.  If you want a job, you have to put up with inconveniences.

No, I mean for the pedophile.  I mean, why make him go all the way to the school to fuck my 9-year old kid?  Why not I just drop my boy off at his house for a 15 minute play date every day before school, and spare him the gas money?

Umm, I guess we're not a good fit.

No wait, I think I've really caught on to something here.  I can keep my 100 percent commission job, you can be happy because I'm there at 9 am rather than 9:05, and the pedophile gets to use my son's asshole as his personal playground without risking a parole violation.  It's a win-win for everyone, right?

I'm sorry, I think I'll have to withdraw my offer.  Goodbye.

Yeah, bye.  Asswipe.

6:04 AM - 13 Comments - 15 Kudos - Add Comment

The Second-Greatest Beauty Pageant EVAH
Current mood: tired
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping

That would be the Mrs. America Pageant.  After marrying a model who ended up weighing more than me, I think every wife should have to compete.  Once a month.  There'd be no contests with her sister to see who could fit the most Ben & Jerry's into their noisemakers if wifie knew she'd be showing her fat ass in a bikini in two weeks.

But I think they probably should try to get a better sponsor than www.milfhunter.com next year.  Just sayin'.

6:07 AM - 8 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Heartwarming Tales of Love
Current mood: bouncy
Category: Romance and Relationships

*     This is a blog; a straight-up blog.  I write a blog here rather than just a joke because this story (mostly) really happened, and I haven't figured out how to transition it yet.  Way too many words, way too much backstory.  Hopefully I'll figure it out by writing it here.  The comments have a tendency to clarify things like set-up and transitioning for me.

I come off as a nice guy.  For whatever reason, most women think that I'm the classic nice guy who will treat them like a queen.  Maybe I was at one point.  But I'm not.  Believe me I'm not.  The first girl I dated after La Scor-Puta told me that I'd never love her because I was still in love with my ex-wife.  I told her she was half right. 

See, I'm kind of a dick, really.  Or at least I was.

At some point in 2006, though, I had an epiphany of sorts.  I decided I really needed to treat people better.  Women especially, and moreso women who I date.  I actually went celibate for nearly a year just to try to train myself to treat women better.  (Mostly) on purpose.

So June rolls around, I think I'm ready to be the new me, and I start dating again.  And now the women are treating me like shit.  And I put up with it for awhile.  I mean, not with the same woman, but still.  So finally a couple weeks ago, I'm out with this girl and still being a decent guy, and she literally just up and leaves me at the bar.  Now by the way, I have no idea where I am, and I'm pissed.

So I get absolutely plastered, find some ghetto bar skank, take her back to her home, and fuck her.  Then I get directions back to somewhere I know the next morning and go home.  Bottom line:  nothing about this encounter said "relationship" to me.

So last Friday, I'm out with a buddy and suddenly I get a call.  It's Ghetto Bar Skank.  "So what's up?  You didn't call me."

I said, "I didn't know I was supposed to."

Then she asks, "Is it because I'm black?"

And I said, "No.  It's because you're ugly."

I think I'm over that whole nice guy phase.

6:23 AM - 9 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

What’s a Little Pedophilia Amongst Friends?
Current mood: Pretty confident about the court date
Category: Pretty confident about the court date Jobs, Work, Careers

So I've started my own business, which is going swimmingly well except the part about not making a dime in almost a month (this was expected - there is a long turn time).  I get to work from home, I'm earning clients left and right, and last week I worked for about an hour in the nude.  And I'm not even a gigolo. 

The one thing is, on every Wednesday I have to pick up El Scorpito from school.  Every other day is covered, but Wednesday my work day gets split in half that way.  So last Wednesday, I was very involved in the project I had going on, and it didn't occur to me until 5 minutes before I had to be there that it was Wednesday.  So I stopped what I was doing, took a quick piss, and took off.

I get to the school and park about 50 yards away because I was the last parent there.  I get out and start walking towards the school.  Then I felt a slight breeze.

On my cock.

And I thought to myself, Am I really walking toward an elementary school with my cock out.  And then I looked down and answered, Yes, yes you are you stupid motherfucker.  Apparently, I forgot to zip up in my rush out the door, and I kinda fell out once I got out of the car.  Which is what I was explaining to the cop, as he had me up against the wall beating me repeatedly with his nightstick.

He was one of those badass cops too.  He asked me, "So you want to fuck a little boy do you?"

And I had to explain to him, "Listen, first, I'm not a pedophile.  But if I was, I'd fuck little girls.  Fucking little boys is sick."

No, that's not true.  I said, "Listen dude, I just rushed out the door and forgot to zip up."

And he was like, "Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say."

And I said, "They all say?  How many times have you had this conversation?  I think I need to take my kid out of this school maybe."  Seriously, this is not a conversation he should have had more than once.

1:10 AM - 15 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

I Needs Me Some Exercise
Current mood: touched
Category: Life

I'm not just old, either.  Apparently I'm also out of shape.  Like, ridiculously out of shape.  You know you're out of shape when you pop a hamstring having sex.  That's a sign you probably need to do a bit of stretching.

And it's not like it was some kind of freaky Cirque du Soleil crap, either.  Not a high degree of difficulty involved.  I'm just that tight nowadays.  Poor girl thought she was really working it, too, what with all the screaming.

OK, yeah, I admit it.  I just wanted an excuse to announce that I got laid.  But I really do need some exercise.

6:22 AM - 7 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment