Everything is about control...
Current mood: accomplished

"And I will never see the truth
This is not a matter of my youth
I do not need anybody else
Bonds would put my mind into cells

And I will never know I was wrong
Never listen to those truly strong
I do not fear anything that's not me
Ignorance is the ultimate key

But I wouldn't want to live like this forever
But change myself? Never! Never!
The very thought sends shivers down my spine
I'm sure everything, everything will be fine

I am the one who cries out at night
For somebody to change my very core
Not sure why I live in endless fright
Doomed to love only myself for evermore
I am the one who has no real friends
Shallow people flocking to my banner
Always trying to make easy amends
Cherishing my own overbearing manner

Life, always fragile
I will never change
Love, always fleeting
I will never change

But I wouldn't want to live like this forever
Maybe I really was too clever
But I wouldn't want to end like that
I would die lonely and incredibly sad

I will never drag myself out of this
The shadows of my past bogging me down
Feeling lost in turmoil and crisis
My face forever set in an endless frown
I have been hurt beyond mental repair
Thence destined to suffer eternal damnation
No one can be there for me to care
But without I will never find salvation

Lust, always empty
But I will never change
Death, always tempting
But I will never change

Everything is about control
I must never slip, nor ever fall
Anything is possible for me
I must never doubt
And finally be free"

As some of you might have noticed, I took a little break from myspace. I needed as much time to myself as possible. Saturday night at Backstreet, I was dancing, everything was fine, and then out of nowhere my airway closed up, my heart started pounding, my blood pressure went through the roof, my chest felt like it was being compressed, and my mind went 90 million miles a minute. I felt like I was going crazy and about to die. I ran to the back to hide and curled up in a little ball next to the wall scared out of my mind. Stephanie followed soon behind me, and when she got there and wrapped her arms around me, for the first time in a very long time I started to cry. This was my breaking point. I couldn't take these panic attacks anymore.

I continued having these attacks one-two times a day until yesterday. I was in class again and my instructor asked me to go home and rest. I was so shaken up, the last thing I needed to do was drive. I got home and called my psychiatrist to make an appointment for that day. She increased my dose of citalopram (my antidepressant) and gave me a prescription for clonazepam (an anti-anxiety/anti-seizure benzodiazepine) to take when I felt a panic attack coming on.

I took my first dose yesterday right before I felt an attack coming on. For the first time in almost 2 weeks, I had relief. It actually worked! No heart racing, no tremors, no gasping for air-just peace. I am hoping this will be the beginning of a normal life. I have never felt so free from my anxiety. Thank you to everyone who has given support and love. I would not have made it without you!

A lot of people take their minds for granted. For those of us whose minds don't function the way they should, we take every small victory to heart. Keep your minds healthy everyone-don't allow others to take it away from you.

Over and out...

Currently listening : Lost Alone By Mind in a Box Release date: 2004-06-08

5:33 AM - 7 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

I think my mask of sanity is about to slip
Current mood: crazy
Category: Life

"I can see myself tucked in and fast asleep,
looking all peaceful, but in my dreams I weep.
from far up I'm looking down upon myself,
and I wonder who it is that's lying there.
I feel I'm in a world all beside myself,
afraid I won't wake up, with no one there to care.

I know someone used to watch me in my sleep,
but some things seem just impossible to keep.
I fight hard to bring it back into my mind,
but to no use; it all seems to be a blank.
I wonder what it was that had me defined,
but one thing I know: I have myself to thank.

I feel like I have amnesia,
but I know it's myself I've lost.
I wonder what's happened so far,
and what might have been the cost.

I'm not sure I want to know
any of the things I've done.
I don't know yet where to go,
but I'll accept my past is gone.

I feel like I have amnesia,
and I've missed the heavenly host.
I'm surprised I've come this far,
living without what I need most.

I don't think I can go back,
to the things that were before.
though I'm now always wearing black,
I don't bemoan my life of yore.

I wake up and feel like I should be at home,
but I do not know if this is where I belong.
my head is dazed and my mind is all confused,
and I'm not quite sure that I'm really there.
but the mirror shows me looking out, bemused,
into a blank place that could be anywhere.

I feel like I have been left out in the cold,
and it hurts to know that this is all my fault.
I leave this place to find familiar ground,
but the whole world seems to have been rearranged.
now my former self is nowhere to be found,
and I know that it's myself that's changed."

I need help, possibly more than I ever have. I suffered a major panic attack a few days ago in class. I felt as if my whole world was coming to an abrupt end. These attacks aren't unfamiliar. I used to have them every now and then before I started seeing my psychiatrist. Now, it seems like I have one every day, sometimes two or more times. Not only that, but my panic attacks are shortly followed by profound episodes of depression. I feel like I have once again lost control over myself and my life. It doesn't surprise me that this happened. I loathe myself almost to the point of complete annihilation of self-confidence. This is only added to everytime someone leaves me, whether it be a friend or someone I date. I've almost become completely untrusting of others. This is becoming evident in my schoolwork and my internship, choosing to work soley by myself unless I am obligated to a team effort. I find that I have chosen to hide my true self in an act of having a big ego and high self-esteem. I don't even know who I am anymore. It sucks that I can't even find the tears for all of this. I wish I could just cry sometimes. I feel like I am going crazy. I need help....please help me....

Currently listening : Crossroads By Mind in a Box Release date: 2007-09-25

8:08 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

I’m walking....
Current mood: melancholy

"I'm walking

I don't know for how long
Maybe I was really wrong

I'm walking

I'm sad, so terribly sad
I'm grieving about the things I had
I'm sad, so terribly sad
I simply can't see the road ahead

I'm walking

Don't care where it will end
My pain a powerful torrent

I'm walking

My feet carry me
But still I'm anything but free

I'm walking

I'm sad, so terribly sad
I'm grieving about the things I had
I'm sad, so terribly sad
I simply can't see the road ahead
I'm sad, so terribly sad
But I can't say that I'm still afraid"

I can't express to you people how at loss I am. So, in hopes not to depress those of you who actually keep up with my life by reading my blogs, I have deleted all of the blogs I have written since Chris and I broke up. They served their purposes, but have shown no signs of growth or progress in my life.

So, what is to be expected of good ol' Steven? I see no other choice but to walk forward with my life and try to see the road ahead of me. I can't say that what I wrote in the deleted blogs still does not apply, but no one will know anymore. This is my own battle. I can't take crying myself to sleep every night anymore. I can't wait for him or anyone else anymore-it hurts too much to stay. This Scorpio will rise beyond the remains of recent destruction, but I don't know when or how. All I know is that if I stay in the place where I am, I will suffocate in my hurt and self-doubt. Therefore, "I'm walking....My feet carry me, but I am still anything but free"

Currently listening : Lost Alone By Mind in a Box Release date: 08 June, 2004

12:06 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

How does it feel to live in fear?
Category: Friends

"20 years of fear and pain
driven away from my own nation
Finally, the odds have changed
Time has come for condemnation

Wait for me, I will return
So very soon, you will learn
Knowing your end is near
How does it feel to live in fear?"

I was truly hurt today. For those of you who know, it takes quite a bit to make me hurt (or at least openly admit it), so I consider this a very significant circumstance. Last week, I was asked by a few of the regulars of my store to meet my boyfriend. So, I decided to bring him up there a few days later while we were in the area. He was greeted fairly by everyone who worked at the store and every one of the regulars of the store.

Today, I was not in a great mood to begin, but I did not let it get to me. As the day passed, things just kept going wrong. I even had a jackass get up in my face. Fine, I can deal with that. I vented a bit about it and was over it. While I was counting my till, my manager informed me that one of the regulars who wanted to meet my boyfriend complained that I was all over him, making out and what not. First of all, yes we sat in the same BIG ASS chair, and I may have exchanged one or two pecks on the lips. I try not to overindulged in PDA, simply because I hate it when others do it. Second, we get TONS of teens practically fucking in the cafe. Though we may be frustrated, nothing is ever said.

My manager claims that "we have to make this place a third place environment for everyone." I see no third place for me and those who might be homosexual in that place after this occurence. I have always loved working at Starbucks, and have thought that it could be a place where I could safetly be as gay as others are straight. Obviously, this is not the case.

Maybe I am asking too much from the world right now.It is, of course, the bible belt in which we live. I know that there is a lot of tension in this country over the whole "secret homosexual agenda." I am aware that there are those in this city who would rather see me hung than have equal rights.

So, how do we make a clear distinction between what homosexuals can and can not do in public. I do not have an answer. I do know that I look forward to the day that I no longer have to live in fear of ridicule and unjust corrective actions.

Though I know that she will probably not read this blog, I want to give the regular that desired to meet my boyfriend and then complained a big "fuck you" for your narrow minded and hypocritical ass and a "thank you" for reminding me how not to treat others.

Over and out......

Currently listening : Survivor By Funker Vogt Release date: 22 October, 2002

9:41 AM - 7 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Scorpio rises beyond the remains!
Current mood: exhausted
Category: Life

Well, it has been a while since I actually posted a personal blog. So, I will give you an update on my life. This summer has to be one of the worst times in my entire life. In a nutshell, I started my professional nursing courses, which require a COMPLETELY different train of thought than my own. So, I have had to learn how to accurately answer their test questions, of which I am still struggling. Also, absolutely nothing has gone right. My transfer to a different store completely sucked ass. My hours were cut dramatically, which I am still suffering from. My pre-registration to my classes starting next semester was held because of an "incomplete" health record. The process of getting that fixed required me to actually walk up to UT to this heifer's office to actually find out what I needed to get updated (she never answered her phone for DAYS or called me back). For the first time in two years, I failed a test....oh, and I failed it big time. That kept me locked inside the house for two straight days. I have tried several times to get a job at the hospital this summer. Of course, no one called me back or even acknowledged my existence when actually walking from floor to floor to try and speak with nurse managers. What really pisses me off is that everyone else who applied was called back, even the ones who applied weeks after me. This past week, the pharmacy refused to call me back when one of my prescriptions had to be approved AGAIN by my insurance company. So, I ended up only taking the one that I had and was a zombie all weekend. My bank account has been reduced to nothing. I can barely afford to even breathe right now. Even the smallest things don't even seem to work out. For instance, whenever I need to talk to someone, they are unavailable (and don't even get me started on the "not calling back" again), whenever I even need to get on the fucking internet to do some bullshit assignment it won't work.

Now, a little bit on my personal life. I should start off with guys. HOW frustrating!!! Everyone who even seems remotely interested in me 1) ends up not interested eventually 2) drops off the face of the planet 3) just stops communicating entirely. Most frustrating of all, they don't even let me know when one of the three occurs! I have actually been especially thankful for the one case who actually gave me a direct answer! Needless to say, I have decided to give up in that area. i really don't have time for dealing with sketchy people right now anyways.

So, as of right now, I am completely exhausted. I am ready for this summer of hell to be over. There are only a few options I see left to prevent this shit from happening again. A lot of my actual friends and loved ones will probably not enjoy what I have to say, but I really see no other options at this point. I refuse to end up being just another face in the crowd to everyone I meet or have to deal with professionally. I hereby condemn myself to a life of almost complete isolation. I will cut down my social time dramatically to ensure I have adequate study time. I will, of course, make time for my friends, but everyone else will probably end up just being "someone I met." I don't have the time or energy to actually invite anyone else into my life. This will also ensure that my checking account will not go under as horrid as it did this last week.

"All times left behind
Sorrow filling pain inside
You possess the courage
And the strength to conquer
These walls are falling down
Ruins crumbling to the ground
Breaking away from all the pain
All lies left behind
Sorrow is no longer mine
You possess the courage and the strength to conquer
These walls have fallen down
Ruins crumbled to the ground
Scorpio rises beyond the remains"

Over and out....

Currently listening : Conjure One By Conjure One Release date: 17 September, 2002

4:16 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Religious Dogma
Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Ok, so a lot of you out there might be wondering about my choice of belief about the supernatural (AKA "God"). First and foremost, I am Agnostic. For those of you who MIGHT not know what this belief structure entails – It is quite simple. I believe in the possibility of the existence of a God/Goddess/Godlet – whatever. However, I also believe in the possibility in this/these deities to be inexistent. No-I am not an Atheist, for an Atheist believes totally in the inexistence of any god.

For help with understanding why I chose Agnosticism, I will first give you a quick background of my Christian "upbringing." I was raised in a fairly normal and decent home. My parents went to work, they came home, ate dinner, went to church on Sundays (as did I, of course), and got divorced.  After my parents separated, my father became deeply religious and "found Jesus." This was an emotional time for me (I won't go into detail), for I was in the blossoming stages of adolescence. With my father's guidance, I also "found Jesus" for about the 5^th time. I began becoming more involved in church and decided very early that I was going to be a preacher. I was Bible club president in the 8^th grade, I participated in church activities- I was "Christian Boy Wonder." During this Christian experience, I also started noticing something- something that neither God, nor my father would like – I was sexually attracted to the males. I did not ignore this "temptation." I forced myself to date girls, pray for forgiveness whenever I thought about a male classmate (which happened about every 20 seconds at that age), and move on with my life. However, I started high school. Around my sophomore year, I became severely depressed about this struggle and found out how disappointing this God I worshipped really was. He didn't save me from the temptations. I wasn't starting to become attracted to girls as I hoped. I finally professed this to my mother.

As I became more open about whom I really am to the public, I also dwindled into other religions. I found no real "spiritual relief" in any of them. I began dating Joey at the age of 16. He introduced me to a certain church, First Congregational United Church of Christ. My first day, I looked around and saw just an abundance of homosexual Christians. Sure, I heard about them, but I never really KNEW about them until my visit to this church. I stayed with this church (and still today attend whenever possible) for a while before I began studying other religions in a religion course I was taking in college.

As I read through each religion, I noticed a lot of similarities in each religious philosophy. The one thing all of these major world religions were founded on are the ideas of peace and love. There were also MAJOR similarities in the "Western" religions (ie. Christianity, Islam, Judaism). The followers of these religions worship the SAME God. By the way, Allah means "God," and ALL Arabic speaking Christians and Jews say "Allah" in reference to God.  So don't give me that "Muslims worship Allah, not God" bullshit.  The "Eastern" Religions (ie. Buddhism, Taoism) all basically believe I the same day-to-day spiritual principles, and not many of those living in Asian countries choose just Buddhism, Confucianism, or Taoism as their set religion, but many incorporate all of these religions into their spiritual belief structure.

The point of me mentioning my history with religions is to inform you that as a critical thinker, I have taken all of what I have read/experienced into consideration in terms of the religious side. I have also taken into consideration the secular side of the story. Both make very valid points. HOWEVER, neither contains COMPLETE truths. What I mean by complete truths is a valid 100% proof of why we exist, what happens after death, why certain phenomenon occur, why the fuck we were chosen to have a  planet far yet close enough to the sun for life to exist…etc.  On a side against religion, the possibility of you choosing one religion out of THOUSANDS/MILLIONS and then a particular sect of that religion, and that sect be 100% correct is a very SLIM chance from a rational perspective. On a side against the atheistic point of view, you can't rationally disprove God. Why? Because most religious followers believe God is too mysterious for the human mind to comprehend. Now, you might be able to scientifically disprove certain biblical phenomenon, but you can't just disprove God. He will continue to exist as long as there are followers who want an explanation for things that can't be measured (ie. Dreams, love, hope).

For these reasons, I have chosen to listen carefully to both sides with an open and clear mind. I try to rationalize as best as I can on certain issues with both sides being heard. For instance, how the universe began. Yes, the "Big Bang" may have occurred, but perhaps a god was the one who created the very first matter that BANGED. The fact is, I don't know. I live my life day-to-day with hopes that if God existed, he would understand why I have chosen  not to affiliate myself with any religious sect.

Over and out...

Currently listening : Mythmaker By Skinny Puppy Release date: 30 January, 2007

9:56 PM - 4 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment

Starbucks...could you be more evil???
Current mood: determined
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

Ok, so I have been around the web looking at different Anti-Starbucks websites, blogs, etc. I have heard just about every accusation one could possibly throw at this company. As a barista, Starbucks patron, and a reasonable human, I usually laugh off whatever I read or hear about Starbucks. By many liberal-minded independent coffee shop patrons, Starbucks is Satan incarnated as an irresponsible, insensitive, coffee company who burns coffee and makes drinks with prepackaged powders and syrups.

Below is a testimonial from a blog posted by one of these Anti-Starbucks people on an issue involving one of the "The Way I see it quotes" Starbucks prints on the back of their cups made by Wesley Smith from the Discovery Institute:

"Everybody's favorite coffee underdog made a bold move to capture a new demographic: they quoted Wesley Smith from the Discovery Institute on one of their cups.

For the record, that quote reads:

Currently listening : Nihil (+ Bonus Track) By Kmfdm Release date: 06 March, 2007

11:52 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

When Angels Die
Current mood: optimistic

Ok, so I have known about this compilation for a while now, BUT I feel it is still neccesary to post a blog about it. In early 2007, COP records will be releasing a compilation titled "When Angels Die." This is a VERY VERY VEEERY special compilation, folks, not only for the kickass music that will be on there, but for the specific cause. It is being released in honor of a girl who passed away in July 2006 of breast cancer. Because of her love for angels, the theme of the compilation is of angels. Also, all profits will go to two things: breast cancer awareness, and to build Steffi an angel tombstone. I will MOST DEFINITELY be buying this album, maybe two or three. I URGE everyone who reads this to contribute to this cause. The album contains MANY of your favorites with EXCLUSIVE tracks from: Suicide Commando vs. Dawn of Ashes, Feindflug, Combichrist, Soil & Eclipse, VNV Nation, P.A.L., E-Craft, Terrorfakt, The Retrosic, and many more! Below is post by none other than Johan of Suicide Commando:

"WHEN ANGELS DIE

SUICIDE COMMANDO will be one of many guests on the forthcoming "when angels die" compilation. The "when angels die" compilation is a special tribute to Steffi who died in the age of 29 on July 31st from breast cancer. All profits of the compilation, which will be released on COP International early 2007, will go to a breast cancer awareness foundation and to a special angel tombstone for Steffi's grave.

For this "when angels die" compilation SUICIDE COMMANDO and the american DAWN OF ASHES joined hands and wrote a special exclusive song entitled "when angels go to heaven" !
Check out this unique collaboration SUICIDE COMMANDO VS DAWN OF ASHES on "when angels die" early 2007 !

Other bands confirmed to appear on this compilation are for example Combichrist, Feindflug, Sonar, Synapscape, E-craft, noisuf-X, The Retrosic ... and many more !

Even though I didn't know Steffi personally, I do know how it feels to loose a loved one, so I hereby also want to send my deepest respect and support to Steffi's family and friends !"

Please, folks, this is serious business. If you are a fan of music and would love to help in the fight against cancer, DO NOT HESITATE! There is plenty of time to save up for this, so NO EXCUSES from those who "don't have enough money!" Contribute today and save a life!

Please click on the link below to view the myspace for the compilation!

www.myspace.com/whenangelsdiecompilation

Currently listening : Bind, Torture, Kill By Suicide Commando Release date: 11 April, 2006

12:08 PM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

It's not as golden as memory
Current mood: busy

"It's not the red of the dying sun
The morning sheets' surprising stain
It's not the red of which we bleed
The red of cabernet savignon
A world of ruin all in vain

It's not that red
It's not that red
It's not that red

It's not as golden as Zeus's famous shower
It's doesn't, not at all, come from above
It's in the open but it doesn't get stolen

It's not that gold

It's not as golden as memory
Or the age of the same name

It's not that gold
It's not that gold
It's not that gold
It's not gold at all

I wish that would be your color
I wish this would be your color
I wish this would be your color
Your color, I wish

It is as black as Malevich's square
The cold furnace in which we stare
A high pitch on a future scale
It is a starless winter night's tale
It suits you well

It is that black
It is that black
It is that black
It is that black

I wish this would be your color
I wish this would be your color
I wish this would be your color
...
Your color, I wish"

Well, it has been a pretty hectic few months. To start off, this trimester has turned into an intermediate nightmare. I have had paper upon paper upon paper - test upon test upon test. I feel mentally and physically exhausted. I have to wonder sometimes whether or not it is all worth it. I wonder sometimes if I will actually be happy with my future career as a nurse. I believe my slight incredulity may be credited towards the lack of meaningful courses I am taking this trimester. For one, I do not see how in any way Statistics will help me. I do see the mathematics coming into play, but all I do have to learn in Statistics is how to put numbers into a software program and give a very brief conclusion on the outcomes of a statistical test. Furthermore, I do not in any way see how being required to take a course in "The art of public speaking" will benefit me in the least bit. I know that learning how to speak to patients is neccesary, but how does making a pointless outline and getting up in front of a classroom of people who already don't want to hear me talk over "Surfing" or "How to make a scrapbook" benefit me in the least bit? It doesn't. All that I will need to learn about speaking will come in my clinical courses. I am also taking World Literature. Enough said. Finally, the world religions course: Not only do I reject the notion of there actually being a solidified image (whether visually or metaphorically speaking) of God but I also have to learn all of them. This course is the one I find myself spending most of my time on. I am actually in the middle fo reading the so called "textbook" right now. My biggest problem with the asshole who wrote this book is that he tends to venture off into his own little world. He speaks in words and phrases that purely subjective. So, I spend most of my time trying to get inside of this fucker's head than I do actually reading the words. Imagine trying to read on Eastern philosophy from a man like this. It was absolute hell! Maybe I am over reacting. Perhaps I will actually find use for the knowledge aquired from these b/s courses in my future. However, for now I will bitch and moan simply because these courses are taking my time away from learning important subjects like Microbiology.

Aside from school, a few other events have occured. For starters, I quit the dry cleaners and now work for Starbucks. The only word that comes to mind is "yay." I have been searching for a way out of having to work at that hellhole for almost 2 years now. So far I enjoy it very much. the people I have the pleasure of working with are absolutely amazing. On a much sadder note, we had to give away Mr. Joseph Stalin (pictured in the last blog). As much as it hurt, I had to consent to the notion simply because he tried to kill Ava (my boxer puppy). I could not believe it when I first encountered the situation and I tried to ignore it. However, we at the house believe that Stalin needs to be in a home that he will primarily be the center of attention.

Over and out.....

Currently listening : Silence Is Sexy By Einstürzende Neubauten Release date: 20 June, 2000

11:15 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

I am very pleased to present Mr. Joseph Stalin
Current mood: awake

Look at that cute commie face

Ava can't ever resist the call of a camera

Currently listening : Tactical Neural Implant By Front Line Assembly Release date: 28 April, 1992

6:40 PM - 5 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment