Coming around again
Current mood: confused
Category: Life

The circumstance of my late return (to these blogs) still eludes me. When I stopped writing these I almost stopped writing all together. I haven't kept a journal since. Giving myself grander illusions of creating a 'novel'. I abandoned my writing to work. I have overshadowed my talents. All of them. My sketching and photography have seemed to disappear slowly. I became very concerned with not giving up my dreams but I was doing it all the while.
I have very set rules for myself. I give myself tasks and barriers. I drive to the fullest! and sometimes I lose myself. Lately, more often than not. I worried about punctuation about grammar, spelling. i worried so much that I forgot the stories. I forgot why i was writing. i couldn't remember poems and songs just never came to mind. I was very unaware of what was going on.

Never in a million nightmares have i ever forgotten the words to my most favored songs. I can't have anyone look at me without making me very uncomfortable, so I wear sunglasses because it makes me feel a little more invisible. I can't remember my favorite television shows because I don't watch TV anymore.

It feels like my soul is leaving me. There is very little talent left in me. It feels as if it's escaping from me. there is so much I just don't understand yet and so much i need to do. I'll say this is step one. If I can continue my journal entries and sketches and maybe even my photographs then I'll be right back on track.
I need to remember that youth smiles without reason then I'll be able to really smile again.

thanks all.

-stevie

Currently listening : The Edge - David Axelrod at Capitol Records 1966-1970 By David Axelrod Release date: 2005-09-13

11:52 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

shadow
Current mood: amused
Category: Life

It's been a long while, I walk with my shadow ahead

wearing me as a cloak.

It's dark features were more than I was

It'd drag me along.

I'd fixed my gaze to murder my shadow

as it pulled me closer

to make itself human.

Then light came from before us

and put it behind me.

Now I wear it as it had once wore me, justly, only because;

Murder would make it free.

-Stevie

Currently reading : Of Mice and Men (Penguin Great Books of the 20th Century) By John Steinbeck Release date: 01 September, 1993

11:35 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

A love letter.
Current mood: thankful
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Today I wrote a little message to a friend. I was letting her know why I wasn't reachable as of late. The way it came out wasn't new to me. It kind of just spilled out and landed in a heap in front of me.

This time in stead of excusing my self and the mess I've made; I looked at it and it made sense. And so I picked it up and put it in my pocket and smiled. I want to carry it with me everyday.

I want to carry it until it's wrinkled and brown and the creases from folding and unfolding it have made it damn near illegible. I want to carry it even after then. I want to unfold it as it breaks apart in my hand and I still remember word for word for feeling what it said.

I want to tell him this is how he makes me feel. I want him to know every day of his life, this is how he makes me feel. No matter what the fates have in store. Even when we're minds apart, I want him to know word for word for feeling this is how he made me feel.

Until the day I let him know; I want to remember the moment when it all became so clear. So I could let him know it wasn't a very special moment at all until all this landed at my feet. And I want to hand it to him the same way it was manifest. And I want to smile and let him take in word for word for feeling.

And know that I'm sincere.

-Stevie

Currently listening : Louder Than Bombs By The Smiths Release date: 25 October, 1990

11:13 PM - 5 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

Imaging...
Current mood: crazy
Category: Life

I'm a kid and this is where the problem lies. I like to imagine the world can still be manipulated to my liking. The unfortunate truth is I have been manipulating myself for the world all this time.

It causes great wonder in my little blackend heart when I realize no one knows me. And the only reason this is true is 'cause I vaguely know myself. It is only in times of deep thought that I can find myself at all. The rare occasions are simply due to the fact that I only allow myself shallow thoughts to cooperate with the world. The smaller the problem the easier my life.

Of course I find that it makes me come across as shallow, but the assumption of an uneducated mind is my paradise. I appear spoiled if not entirely polluted and for some slightly sick reason it fills me with glee.

Daily, I find myself playing the part that is already assumed for me. I draw out only the actions that are already presumed by an opposing party simply, althought not cleary, because it makes my daily life easier. Contradictions in thoughts usually spark unnessecary attention and avoiding that attention had, long ago, made itself my gaol.

I can't say I don't pray for more of me to be known, but I suppose I'm not even sure how much of me I may want to expose.

11:39 PM - 2 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

I know you're listening, but can you hear me?
Current mood: busy
Category: Life

At clubs the music is so loud it limits your communication. You try to speak at the loudest your tiny lungs will allow only to have the other person sqint at you like sqinting is really going to help. To thier pathetic and yet appropraite surprise, it doesn't. Instead you're both just at an understanding that you can't be understood.

I'd like to think I may be in some way dying inside. I suppose the thought is more conforting than the fact that maybe it's the reverse, but that scares me.

I try to stray away from thoughts that evoke fear, but I have come to a crossroad and both forward paths are entirely frightening and the only way that suits my taste is backwards.

How lovely it would be to simply go back, fix it all and then come over to this crossroad when everything is to my liking. Oh, the many glittering dreams which should be left undreampt!

To tell the truth; I don't very much think I can hear myself when I'm speaking, but I know I'm listening adamantly. It's the twists and turns of the way my words pour out and land in clumped heaps on the floor before me...

And so I know you're listening, but can you hear me?

Currently listening : Eyes Open By Snow Patrol Release date: 04 May, 2006

10:25 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

have you ever...?
Current mood: rejected
Category: Romance and Relationships

ever fucked up so bad you felt you should be executed?
unzipping your pants you realize you shouldn't be doing this?
And even though you're smiling, you're breaking down in hysterical tears inside.
The world keeps turning the opposite way and you try not to be in the situation.

but you are.

It's you're own life trapping you in a web of rediculous entanglement...

In your mind; you don't exist anymore.

and you only wish your thoughts were made manifest!

so you really wouldn't exist through this...

And the heartbreak tears you apart;

you've let yourself down.

you're worthless now....

-Stevie

Currently listening : Be By Common Release date: 24 May, 2005

4:37 AM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Heart Break.
Current mood: confused
Category: Friends

I lost a friend to Heart Break

her name was Love Child

She ran away with Heart Break,

They've been gone now for a while.

It seemed a little odd and sudden,

But I guess it was meant to be

I had a thing for Love Child,

Heart Break had a thing for me.

Now they've both left me abandoned

and I ponder their return

How did Love Child seduce Heart Break?

How did Heart Break forget me?

Currently listening : The #1's By Diana Ross & the Supremes Release date: 03 February, 2004

2:03 PM - 6 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

In vain.
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Life

I do admit, sometimes, I like to make you sad

Currently listening : Greatest Love Songs By Frank Sinatra Release date: 15 January, 2002

3:36 AM - 5 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

Love letter to Daddy...A Plea
Current mood: embarrassed
Category: Romance and Relationships

It hurts to say, only because I don't want to admit, but; I miss you so.

Although I've known you quite a little time, I feel I should have known you all my life, and so I wonder where you've been all these years, why I've wasted my tears hoping one day the man I barely knew would come back to me, for me. To comfort me? To love me?

And now, Sir, it is just one among many of love letters I've written for you that you read before you at this moment. So, if it breaks your heart to read this as much as it has broken mine to write it perhaps you should consider what it would be like should you come back. And so, you should consider coming back.

Sir; I try to let my pride win, and I pretend I don't need you in my life, but pride will not comfort me when I realize I do miss you so. I understand your life goes quickly and you probably don't think much of me but mine goes on so slowly and miserably without you.

I admit once more; I miss you, Daddy.

Love always (Whether or not you love me back);

-Stevie

Currently listening : Ten Years Gone: The Best of Everclear, 1994-2004 By Everclear Release date: 05 October, 2004

3:10 PM - 6 Comments - 11 Kudos - Add Comment

A mere complaint.
Current mood: pensive
Category: Romance and Relationships

Excuse me;

I have a complaint. This gentleman, see the one with the bottle of liquor in his hand. He's just entirely too drunk and i don't think he understands he can't function. He keeps harassing me for attention, and when i give it to him he ignores me... but I don't want to seem heartless, you see?

I believe his job discription is "Father" and I just simply do not believe he is carying out his duties as far as my being his daughter is concerned, and so I was wondering if you could help me in my predicament, as I am sure you understand, I would like some attention also. Prefferably positive, but, i suppose at this point, I will settle for anything. Also, if you can't help me wth that...would you be able to demand he stop tugging on my heart-strings and stranding me with false hope, just simply leave me be, so I don't hurt so much?

No? That's up to him you say?

Well, I suppose it was worth  a try. I just can't find myself so cruel as to ignore.

Thank you anyway miss or mister "Higher Being", I appreciate you're time.

-stevie

Currently listening : At Last By Cyndi Lauper Release date: 18 November, 2003

2:54 AM - 4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment