Saturday, November 4, 2006
Current mood: cheerful
Category: Blogging

Last Night was an awesome and eventful occasion.  There was some sort of miscommunication betwix the Punk Rock Republican and myself which led to my having 2 birthday parties.  This was, indeed, a wonderful thing. 

It all started as I was sitting at my house with Squid and Jenny.  Jenny had recieved a phone call and a text message from Shawn, who said that he needed to speak with me.  This is where I learned of the golden faux-pas.  I decided it best to show up, since this was my own un-birthday party.  After all, the Swolen One was reportedly on his way down from Albany, and I certainly didn't want to miss him.

We decided to don our best winter gear and head to the abode of Dallywhacker and Patches.  After battling with a rather large rodent that wanted all our heads, we decided to go on to the Bird and reunite with Jenny and Patches, after they collected Dallywhacker, at the bar.

As soon as I stepped in the door, Shawn Muthafuckin' Martin, Papa Zook, and CJ immediately started jocking for position to purchase my initial unbirthday beverage.  The Danimaniac won this alcoholic game of Tug-Of-War and celebrated by buying me several more beverages.  Squid waited outside to make sure that ninjas didn't try to thwart my party.

With a double tall Tanqueray and Tonic in hand, I wandered about the joint trying to see who all was there.  I found an abundant number of my closest friends.  First, I was reunited with Squid, Jenny, and Mary.  They brought a Dallywhacker, who bought me a shot a little later.  BlackHart and the Queen of Sleaze (it's a good thing) were close by.  I expressed my admiration and gratitude and went on about my search.  I was able to locate Nasty Nate, Kevin "of Meadows Fine Jewelry", The Young Zook, that "Power of Chris" guy, Anthony B. Harris, Newton Collier, Racey Tracy, and Miss Lady were all seated scattered about the place.  Outside, a much unexpected Jason Virus approached.  A few moments later, we spotted Earl approaching the front door as we sat at the bar. 

I wandered back inside to find Papa Zook motioning me to the bar for another round.  This time it was Surfers on Acid followed by, yet almost in tandem with, more shots which were turquoise and somehow familiar.  Now we were joined by your favorite bartender and mine, Jeff, as the 3 of us downed the shot in unison.  I sat the glass down, pondered upon the familiar flavor, licked my lips, and then looked at Jeff who was smiling something radiant.  It was Aids, my own infamous creation.  I was quite pleased. 

After this, I decided to dash across the street and see my horror-geek buddy, Demon, along with Robin, Bobby, Craig, and whoever else I might run into.  I had 2 drinks there, c/o the king and queen of the Synergy martini bar, and wandered back across the street.  At this point, my memory gets a bit hazy.

I can recall speaking with Shawn and Les for a while, I know Jonathan was there and I had a few words with him, and then I spoke to Anthony B. Harris (please hold all questions for the end of the blog) about publication and things of that nature.  I asked he and Wild Bill to return to the scene of the crime one week later for my real birthday.

I heard the Last Call Bell, said my goodbyes to some folk, and then was on my way home.  I don't even remember removing my jacket, hat, and gloves last night when I hit the hay.

To everyone there, everyone who thought it was my birthday, everyone who bought me drinks, and everyone who I will see again on Saturday...Thank you. 

Currently listening : Almost Human By Voltaire Release date: 01 August, 2000

10:30 PM - 8 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Illustration Contest Rules

Look in my blog and on walterjolly.com to read my existing works.  After you've read a selection, illustrate the story based on how you saw it.  Best drawings will be chosen to go toward selecting illustrators for my new project.  I can't offer any monetary reward, but you will have something to put in your resume and portfolio as a credited illustrator.

5:42 PM - 7 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

According to Popular Women's Lib Activist, Women Incapable of Free Will
Current mood: pissed off
Category: News and Politics

    When I begin to lactate, I will start to agree with Linda Hirshman.  Why, as a man who goes far out of the way to avoid politics, do I take this stance?  The answer lies in some remarks I heard from Hirshman on a popular political satire program earlier today.  I understand that the show is satirical, and so I tried not to take it seriously.  The problem with this is, these thoughts really do reflect this woman's political views.
    Hirshman stated that she "wants women to do what is right."  What is right?  According to Hirshman, choosing not to raise children or be a home body is the only path.  Women must work.  The fathers are the ones who should raise the children.  Agree with that?  Well, okay.  The problem is, according to Hirshman, that if you disagree with her views you are incorrect.  And what's got my panties in a bunch?  Is it that I am into women's lib?  No.  Is it that I just wanna say someone is wrong?  Not exactly.  My point is, this woman thinks that if a married woman decides to stay at home while her husband works, she is wrong. 
    My reply is simple.  I don't vote because we're only allowed 2 choices.  I don't believe that anyone should adhere to the doctrines of some other "profit" or "saint", so I created my own religion.  My point being, I am an American, and as so feel that I am entitled to Freedom of Choice.  Hirshman doesn't think that women are capable of thinking for themselves, just like we need an electoral college to vote for us.  She decided to take it upon herself to speak for all women, just as Bush speaks for all of you.  If I were to sit on the couch and not get pissed at this woman's rantings, then I might as well get back in church. 
    Now I simply state that more women, nay, more Americans need to think for themselves.  We don't need Linda Hirshman, George Bush, or even Bob Dole.  What we need is ourselves.  Women's lib?  No one has ever made a more powerful statement than "Oh Bondage, Up Yours!", and no one ever will.  Amen, Polly!

7:06 PM - 12 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Facts about the Osterich
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Pets and Animals

Scientific Name: Osterithicus Ilaviatus Avianicus .Did you know that the osterich has a wingspan of 35 feet and can swim for 17 hours without needing to come up for air? Also, its eggs can be used to create new proteins that can regenerate lost or damaged tissue and can also be eaten to gain the skill of flight. Pancakes are the osterich's favorite food, and the large bird also feeds on the smaller Emu. Perfumes and colognes can be made of the osterich's hindquarters, provided that the scent glands are left intact. A male rhinocerous is repelled by the osterich oil, whereas it can attract sharks at an incredible rate and quantity. The osterich can kick a football for 7/8 of a mile. No one knows where the osterich came from. It was just there one day. The osterich tastes exactly like prune juice, hot sauce, and butter. The osterich is a distant cousin to the honeydew.

Currently playing : Castlevania Release date: 02 December, 2002

9:39 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Random Accusation

I've decided to move my Random Accusation to my blog, as most people haven't been getting the oppurtunity to read the bulletins.

enjoy!

A. V. Hernandez Likes to turn the shower Nozzle where it goes up his ass. He says, "That way I can wait until just before I shower to take a poo. Saves me valuable time that could be lost while wiping."

When confronted about the weird behavior, the Singer/cartoonist said that he had no comment outside of apologizing to his lady for making her cry.

Currently reading : The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ By Joseph Smith Jr. Release date: 16 November, 2004

7:39 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

E C F'N W!!!
Current mood: ecstatic

If you watched One Night Stand live on PPV last night, then you already know why I decided it neccessary to post a blog about it!  It was the best pro wrestling PPV I have EVER seen!!  Taz choking out Lawler was a lovely sight, but just slightly more lovely was Beaulah's return to the ring!  She may not have won the match and her high spots weren't nearly as high as the 4 male contestants, but it was great to see at any rate.  Joey Styles called the event the way Joey Styles was intended to call wrestling events.  It had been a year since that was last needed to be said.  Sabu and Mysterio, in my humble opinion, both gave the best paced and most heartfelt match of the evening.  Neither of them were able to continue and, take it from me, it takes ALOT to make Sabu agree to forfeit.  I mean, I've seen that man rip his bicep open, tape the meat and veins back into his arm, and go on to win the match!  That's even more hardcore than my moment of glory where I finished a match with a broken back.  And how about Kurt Angle?  He came in and wrestled the way any ECW recruit should wrestle their first match with the promotion.  FBI vs Tajiri and Super Crazy was a match for the ages as well.  Much action and not less drama, as these 4 went head to head in the kind of tag match you would expect to see from them. 
    Eugene made an appearence and was quickly blotted out by the Sandman.  My GOD what a spectacle! Never had I seen something quite so hilarious and...wrong.  Balls Mahoney vs Masato Tanaka.  Not much more I can say about that.  Chair shots were ample, and beer flew all over! 
    On to the Main Event of the evening, which got quite dramatic as Cena was recieved with unanimous jeers and spirit breaking chants.  He could get no one to keep his shirt or hat, which he threw out several times.  Every time, the hat and shirt were returned.  I'll give it to the sonovabitch, despite absolutely no support from the fans,he did put on one HELL of a match against Van Dam.  And how did Van Dam fare?  Well, ECW now has it's own World Title, and it goes to the Whole Fuckin' Show...ROB        VAN          DAM!!!

Currently watching : ECW: One Night Stand 2006 Release date: 11 July, 2006

8:19 AM - 11 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Status Report from The Back Man
Current mood: hungry
Category: Life

Well, it would appear that the early results that I'd recieved from radiology were way off.  Things are actually a bit worse than I thought.  I went back today for more tests and whatnot to see how well my spine was healing up.  The Verdict?  It's not.  First of all, the doctor Diagnosed me with a fractured L-4 vertebra.  This was incorrect.  It's my T-9 and it's been compressed, much like when one steps on a soda can.  I'll have to have surgery to straighten it out and then the road to recovery can finally begin.

that's the news in my world. 

Currently listening : Almost Human By Voltaire Release date: 01 August, 2000

12:34 PM - 13 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Seamus O'Maltby (in Engrish)
Current mood: confused

3:01 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Seamus O'Maltby
Current mood: calm

3:05 AM - 11 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

The Disappearance of Arthur Beaumont
Current mood: anxious

The Disappearance of Arthur Beaumont

        In the Absence of man, many strange and mysterious things inhabit all corners of the earth.  Every nook and crevasse hides some life form or life forms that have yet to be discovered by science.  These are the things that piqued the curiosity of Arthur H. Beaumont, the neighborhood physician for the upper end of Belzerburg. 

            Beaumont was known, loved, and respected by everyone who came to him for their routine check-ups and to be examined should any symptom occur.  He was as stout man of 43 years with shorter than average arms for his height.  He had a lovely wife named Charlise Lorene and one bright son who was named in his sake.

            The doctor was known to the southerners who lived below Lerner Hill to be a strange and overly curious man. They did not like his appearance and werent all too sure about those small arms and why any human would adapt them.  Quite surely, his appearance had to mean something more relevant, and perhaps sinister.  Legends of local depravity were nothing new to this town or its people, for there were tales of old Seymour who lived up on Lerner Hill as early as 1928.  It would only be natural that the southerners would find reason to distrust a man as unordinary as Arthur Beaumont. 

            Arthur knew of the stories that were being told in his absence, yet he took none of them to heart.  He saw the people as bored and aging and knew that they meant no harm.  He was, as he realized, a rather peculiar man with less than normal curiosities and took part in some quite odd studies.  The most recent of these studies is actually the breeding ground for the bizarre happenings that are the centerpiece for this tale. 

            Arthur had wondered many times what his dog would bark at during the night and why it would cease whenever he stepped outside.  He had thought it strange that he could hear his cat hissing and pouncing at things in the house but would go right back to normal when hed enter the room.  He meant to find a means to research what things his animals had seen in the absence of man.  He started very quickly trying to find some source of energy that could be harnessed to make a sort of shroud to cover his own presence.  He quickly found in every experiment the flaw of the human form still being visible, and there was no way to block the smell that animals realized. 

            The first prototype emitted an ultra-high frequency sound that would mask the sound of his breathing and distort the sound of his footfalls so that they would not register on the ears of his cat.  The cat became aware of his presence and the experiment was deemed a miss.  The second prototype the he had concocted created a sort of electromagnetic field that would destroy the waves in the air that carried his odor.  This machine was rejected as well, for the cat quickly heard him come into the room.  These experiments had set him back so far that he was beginning to fall a little behind in his practices and, before he knew it, had more appointments than he was able to take on with a steady hand.

            Arthur had mentioned his tinkering to very few and among the included were his wife and an esteemed colleague named Buster Newbury.  Newbury was a much celebrated physician from Fairburn who came down to Belzerburg to share news and discuss new medicine with Beaumont.  When it was disclosed to Newbury exactly what his colleague was up to, he frowned with great distaste.  He explained to Arthur that there are reasons that we never come in to contact with these secret creatures.  He even suggested that one glance at something that a person is not prepared to see could send a strong willed man into the depths of insanity.  These claims would not stop Arthur Beaumont, for he was the strong willed man that Newbury was alluding to. 

After he had finished all of his appointments and house calls, due to the help of Buster Newbury, Arthur began working on his third prototype, whereas he had surmised that one could simply hide from the eyes of the subjects if his odor and any sounds that are distinct of man were kept in check.  This new mechanism would simply combine the original pair of machines and could fit easily into the larger pocket on the inside of his trench coat.                     First, he tried it on his cat, who was sitting up in the windowsill facing southeastward from the house.  He walked directly up to the cat, stretched forth an arm, and gave the cat a gentle stroke.  As soon as his hand land upon the head of the feline, the animal jumped straight into the air, hit its head on the top of the windows frame, landed and dashed out of the room all in a matter of about 3 seconds.  The machine worked.  Now it was time for Arthur to take it into the wild and try it for real.

            For the first field test, Arthur would try it in the front yard.  He would wait until nightfall and when the dog would bark, he would simply power the machine on and walk outside.  Surely enough, the dog began barking at around 10:34 pm and he turned the machine on and went to investigate.  There he saw a small grayish creature that stood to be about 24 inches in height and walked as a biped.  This was very strange, as it looked nothing like anything hed seen.  The creature seemed to have opposable thumbs, large feet, and look to be covered in the fine fuzz that covers the arms and legs of a child.

            Just as he had begun to study the creature, Charlise called to him from inside and asked of the barking.  Alerted to human presence, the creature turned to appraise the distance of the intruder.  He met eyes with Beaumont, who had lost all color in his bearded face.  The creature was quite shockingly humanoid, with close-set eyes, a heavy brow, a sort of beard, a large and quite wide nose, and the most shocking was the arms.  They were of the fishermans arm style that was so distinct of Beaumont himself.  Arthur had only enough time to clearly see the face and arms of the creature before it snarled at him and ran off into the wood. 

            Arthur went back inside to tell Charlise what he had seen, and he explained to her that if there are more things like this in nature, then we could learn so much more about the evolution of the human race.  This discovery gave hope to legends like the skunk ape, the Sasquatch, carcharadon megalodon, and even the pleseasaur.  The applications were becoming limitless with his invention.  He explained that we would be going away for the night to go camping.  There must be some remarkable creatures out in the wood that would be nothing short of great significance in proving the existence of many things laughed off as urban legend. 

            The first night in the wood was already proving quite useful, as he had seen a strange sloth that had a full head of auburn hair, very human hands, and sporadic patches of wiry dark hair on its apricot colored torso.  The sloth was hanging by prehensile feet from a low branch and ambushing small reptiles and rodents.  This was particularly fetching, as all other sloths had been herbivorous. 

            There was, too, an odd creature that he had seen several yards out that much resembled the much speculated Bigfoot.  The animal was wandering about the wood and shaking trees to pick up and devour just about anything that fell out of them.  Arthur, anxious to document his findings, withdrew a camera and snapped a photo of the sloth.  The lumbering giant in the background had seen the flash and, after a few moments of sniffing the air, shrugged and continued his search for food.  Arthur decided to put away the camera, as there were quite enough Bigfoot photos floating around already.  Besides, being dismembered on the first night of the expedition was no way to end his life.

            Arthur turned off the mechanism, the sloth dropped down and ran away, and the Sasquatch lumbered off into the distance.  This would be a good time to set up camp and sleep til daylight.  He had wondered about what he may find in the wood while the sun was still about.

            That night, Beaumont had many odd dreams where the strange little man that he had seen that night had warned him about the creatures that lurk in the absence of man.  He had told the doctor that there are too many reasons that their existence has been kept secret and that he should abort this mission.  Upon waking, Beaumont shook his head and thought no more about leaving so much research alone.  He returned home, leaving his camping gear behind, and told his wife about his finds so far.  She was terrified and excited for him all the same.  He explained that he would be returning to the same spot to have a look at the life that inhabits the wood during the day. 

            Arthur headed back toward the wood and, just before entering, turned his strange machine back on.  When he got to the camp, he saw a vast variety of strange creatures surrounding the tent.  Some of them, a strange deer and a couple of the little people, standing upright and prodding it curiously.  He hid in a small shrub and quickly sncuriously.  he trange deer and a couple of the "chine back on.  when d that he would be returapped a photograph and using no flash.  Just after this, he turned off his machine but remained hidden.  He waited there, listening to all of the animals scatter, and when he stood they were all gone save but for the little people, who approached him and began speaking quite harshly in a strange tongue that seemed derived of a dialect of French. 

            This is where my tale gets interesting, for you still not know who I am, and dont mistake that you ever will.  All I will tell you is this, no one person save for myself will ever see Arthur Beaumont again, for no one knows how to search in the absence of man.

12:20 PM - 12 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment