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Oct 10, 2008

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September 3, 2008 - Wednesday

5:50 PM - SOMETIMES...

S O M E T I M E S


Sometimes...

when you cry...

no one sees your tears.



Sometimes...

when you are in pain.

no one sees your hurt.



Sometimes.

when you are worried..

no one sees your stress



Sometimes.

when you are happy..

no one sees your smile ..



-
But FART !! just ONE time...

And everybody knows!!

Gotcha!! You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!

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September 2, 2008 - Tuesday

6:01 PM - Cute lil joke :-)

WIFE FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,

' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says,
'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control

at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be

silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his

wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says,
'You should be thankful your

radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar

detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through

clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're

not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says,
'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on,

but took it off when you pulled me over so that

I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that

you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your

seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver

turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
'Does your husband

always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

I love this part........... :


'Only when he's been drinking.'

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August 24, 2008 - Sunday

7:32 AM - Neat Facts

Interesting stuff...
 
Texas: Did you know that there is only one natural lake in Texas? All the rest are man-made.

Alaska: More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska.

Amazon: The Amazon rain forest produces more than 20 percent of the world's oxygen supply. The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that more than one hundred miles at sea, off the mouth of the river one can dip fresh water out of the ocean. The volume of water in the Amazon River is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States.

Antarctica: Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country.
90% of the world's ice covers Antarctica. This ice also represents 70% of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, Antarctica is essentially a desert. The average yearly precipitation is about two inches. Although covered with ice (all but 0.4 percent of it), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert.

Brazil: Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.

Canada: Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village."

Chicago: Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.

Detroit: Woodward Ave. in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M-1, because it was the first paved road anywhere.

Damascus: Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC, making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence.

Istanbul: Istanbul, Turkey is the only city in the world located on two continents.

New York City: The term "The Big Apple" was coined by touring jazz musicians of the
1930's who used the slang expression "apple" for any town or city. Therefore, to p lay New York City is to play the big time ~ The Big Apple. There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, Ireland, more Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy, and more Jews in New York City than In Tel Aviv, Israel.

Wilderness: Percentage of Africa that is wilderness 28%. Percentage of North America that is wilderness 38%.

Ohio: There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio, every one is man-made.

Rome: The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome, Italy in
133 B.C. There is a city called Rome on every continent.

Siberia: Siberia contains more than 25 percent of the world's forests.

SMOM: The smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta (SMOM). It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, has an area of two tennis courts, and as of 2001 has a population of 80, 20 fewer people than the Vatican. It is a sovereign entity under international law, as is the Vatican.

S ahara Desert: In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years.

St. Paul: St. Paul, Minnesota was originally called Pigs Eye after a man named Pierre Pig's Eye" Parrant who set up the first business there (bootlegging).

Roads: Chances that a road is unpaved in the USA ~ 1 percent Chances that a road is unpaved in Canada ~ 75 percent.

United States: The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are meant to be usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

Now you know a lot more than you knew two minutes ago

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August 12, 2008 - Tuesday

6:40 PM - A Hundred Years Ago....

THE YEAR 1908
The year is 1908.
one hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!


Here are some statistics for the Year 1908

************ ********* ********* ******


The average life expectancy was 47 years.


Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.


Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.


There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads. 

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.


The tallest structure in the world was the
Eiffel Tower!


The average wage in 1908 was 22 cents per hour.


The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year .


A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,

a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.


More than 95 percent of all births took place at
HOME .


Ninety percent of all doctors had
NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!

Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which

Were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."


Sugar cost four cents a pound.


Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.


Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.


Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used

Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.


Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from

entering into their country for any reason.


Five leading causes of death were:

 

             1. Pneumonia and influenza
          2. Tuberculosis

   3. Diarrhea
             4. Heart disease 
5. Stroke


The American flag had 45 stars.


The population of
Las Vegas , Nevada, was only 30!!!!


Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea

hadn't been invented yet.


There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.


Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.

 

Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.


Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores.  Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."


Eighteen percent of households had at least

one full-time servant or domestic help.


There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE 
U.S.A.!


Now I am sharing with family and friends this from someone else without typing

it myself, and sending it to you and others all over,

the world, in a matter of seconds!


Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years!!.

 

IT STAGGERS THE MIND!!!!!!!!!!!


"Life is not the way it's supposed to be.  It's the way it is.  The way you cope with it is what makes the difference." .... "Life Is a Coin: You Can Spend It Anyway You Wish, But You Can Only Spend It Once." 

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July 14, 2008 - Monday

10:57 AM - Survey thanks to Jessica

What are you currently listening to?

My mother talking to me
 

Do you own an iPod?

No but I want one for x-mas next year J
   
 
Do you want to skydive?

No not really but I'd hang glide
 

How do you fall asleep?

Well first it has to be in my bed….lol
 

Is it raining?
 nope

Do you wear flipflops?
 I can't live without them!

Myspace or facebook?

both
 

Do you do anything illegal?

nope
 

Black or Brown?

brown
 

Do you have a boyfriend/ girlfriend?

no
 

What color are you walls in your room?

Beige & taupe
 

Are you a republican?

Fuck no
 

What is your favorite food?

Anything my mama makes
 
What are you wearing right now?

Pj's
 

Have you ever died your hair?

Ever since the age of 14
 

Any pericings?

4 holes in each ear and my naval
 



What does the last text message in your inbox say?

nothing
 

Fruit or Veggies?

Both please
 

Happiness or Trust?

trust
 

Are you a christian?

I don't know but I'm spiritual
 

Whats your favorite season?

Summer and fall
 

Do you like ice cream?

Its ok but if I have  togo with a flavor it well be mint
 

What is your mood right now?

Feeling shitty. Got laryngitis and a bad head cold.
 

Have you ever rolled down a hill?

yes
 

Do you like perfume/cologne?

Cologne cause it last longer
 

couch/chair?

Chair because I don't have to sit near anyone its all mine!
 

What is your favorite scent?

Vanilla,rose.lavender,lilac,mint
 

Do you get in trouble a lot?
 kinda

Do you smoke?

Ewwww no
 

Have you ever done a backbuster?

Huh? I can do a backbend.
 

Dogs or cats?

Both please. I have a cat not. I love all creatures.
 

Are you outgoing?

Depends on the situation
 

Who was your 2nd grade teacher?

Ms.opumus


Do you believe in true love?

no
 

Do you have a lava lamp?

Good god ol'mighty no!
 

Do you keep secrets good?

Oh yes and some well go to the grave with me.
 

Movies or television?

movies
 

Do you chew on your straws?

Yes its fun
 

Is your hair curly?

Yes but I straighten it.

Who is the last person you called?

grandma
 

Where is your cell phone?

Upstairs on my dresser
 

Are you a nice person?

yes
 

Who is your best friend?

Jessica,my mom and sister and my dad.
 

Do you have a tattoo?

Not for me
 

Whats your favorite song?

Disarm by smashing pumpkins
 

Do you like poptarts?
ewwwwwwwww

Tape or glue?

both
 

Do you wear jackets?

Wear I live you have to…lol I <3 jackets!
 

What were you thinking when you woke up this morning?

God I had some weird ass dreams.
 


What are you thinking about?
I wish I could inflict my cold on someone else

Whats your favorite holiday?

Easy halloween
 

Are you a crafty person?

Damn right skippy
 

Do you own a kite?

No right now but I should make one.
 

If yes, do you fly it?

Yes there so cool
   

Who do you like?

My family,my sisters new bf,my cat some online friends.
 

 Do you like the name olivia?

No, it sounds like a pornstars name…lol
 

Do you have dirty clothes on your floor?

nope
 

Do you get along with guys or girls better?

I think its pretty equal
 


Do you like shopping?

Yes but window shopping is fun.
 


Are you shy?

Can be
 

How many states have you been to?

17
  


Do you have a sense of humor?

yup
 



Do you like to draw?
used to not no more

Goldfish or cheese?

I like cheddar goldfish..yummm
 

Which name is better shelly or autumn?

Autumn because shelly rhymes with smelly
 

Do you read the bible?

nope
 

What's your dream job?

To a stripper….lol
 

Do you lock your doors?

yes
 

Two names you go by?

Nimik and sunshine jelly
 

Whats your current problem?

Don't want to say
 

Is your cell phone charging?

It would be it I could find the charger
 

Whats your favorite color?

Brown,blue,pink,green,purple,red,oarnge
 

 How many times have you fallen down the stairs?

Lol far to many?
 
 
 
 
 Are you married?

No but I always have the future
  

Rap or pop?

neither
 

What color hair do you have?

I have fully greyed but I dye my hair golden brown
 

Do you watch the stars?

Yes on warm summer nights its fun
 

 

What is your screen name?

Depends on what sight I'm on
 


 
  
  

Do you like peace signs?

Yes only made with your two fingers but the circle with the 3 split y is so stupid looking.
 



Do you light candles?

No I'd burn down a house
 

Public or Private?

depends



Jeans or Carpis or Shorts?

Carpis and shorts. I hate jeans up the ass.

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July 5, 2008 - Saturday

10:08 PM - Animal Testing Products!
Current mood: shocked

This is a list of companies you probably all buy from that test on animals. I was shocked when i found this out. Makes me sick when i own 65% of these fucking sheet.

Testing on animals is unnecessary and cruel. Animals have their skin burned off, have chemicals injected into their eyes that cause blindless, and are killed (often) during research.

Ponds
Faberge
Vaseline
Aim
Arm & Hammer
Arrid
Brillo
Close-up
Lady's Choice
Mentadent
Nair
Pearl Drops
Clairol
Aussie
Daily Defense
Herbal Essences
Infusium 23
Ajax
Hills Pet Nutrition
Speed Stick
Clorox
ArmorAll
Formula 409
Fresh Step
Liquid Plumber
Pine-Sol
S.O.S.
Tilex
Soft-Scrub
Coty
Adidas
Calvin Klein
Davidoff
Glow
The Healing Garden
JOOP!
Jovan
Kenneth Cole
Cover Girl
ComSilk
LaGross
Naturistics
New York Color
Dial
Purex
Renuzit
Erno Laszlo
Braun
Duracell
Finesse
Salon Selectives
Thermasilk
Unilever
ROC
Rembrandt
Neutrogena
Clean & Clear
Johnson & Johnson
Aveeno
Kimberly-Clark Corp
Cottonelle
Huggies
Kleenex
Kotex
Pull-Ups
Scott Paper
L'Oreal
Biotherm
Cacharel
Gamier
Giorgio Armani
Helena Rubinstein
Lancome
Matrix Essentials
Maybeline
Ralph Lauren Fragrances
Redken
Soft Sheen
Vichy
Max Factor
Oral-B
Gillette
Olay / Oil of Olay
Noxell
Neoteric Cosmetics
Mennen
Colgate
Palmolive
Melaleuca
Mead
Pantene
BenGay
Desitin
Listerine
Lubriderm
Plax
Visine
Physique
Baby Magic
Playtex Products
Banana Boat
Ogilivie
Tide
Crest
Giorgio
Iams
Max Factor
Physique
Clairol
Covergirl
Lysol
Veet
Woolite
Resolve
Spray 'N Wash
Mop & Glo
Old English
Axe
Dove
Helene Curtis
Lever Bros.
Suave
Post-It
Scotch
SoftSoap
Drano
Edge
Fantastik
Glade
OFF!
Oust
Pledge
Scrubbing Bubbles
Shout
Skintimate
Windex
Ziploc
Dr. Scholl's
Coppertone
Bain de Soleil
Sally Hensen
Vicks
Easy Off

There are plenty on companies that don't test and have great products, and that shows that testing does not need to be done. For a list of animal friendly companies please visit:
www.caringconsumer.com

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July 4, 2008 - Friday

11:22 AM - Idiot quote of the day!
Current mood: bouncy

Idiot Quote of the Century

'My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world.  I hope you'll join with me as we try to change it.'
 
- Barack Obama

Currently watching :
Nancy Drew
Release date: 2008-03-11

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July 3, 2008 - Thursday

3:02 PM - Happy 4th of July to all...

Photobucket

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June 30, 2008 - Monday

9:45 PM - Bike accident *thank got for my helmut*
Current mood: sore

Well time to right in here again. Sun is out and its very warm up here in washington. Maybe a lil to warm? naw. So today my mom realized she needed a bill mailed. Well the mail bitch came already so i decided to take my bike and ride it down to the post office quik and come back. Easy getting down there i must say and comming back was a lil harder with a slight incline. Well i got to the top of the hill started peddling and out pops this racoon. I slammed on my breaks and i kid down the road. I kind of laid there in the middle of the road and started whimpering  ok i was crying....lol  Well my head hit the pavement and i'm glad i was wearing the helmut or my head would of needed some major sticthes. I have a sprained ankle and cuts and bruises all over. I'm ok though and so it my pink ride. My helmut and shoes took a beating though.

Then i got lucky today and right after my deal with whipe out i got to cook dinner.

After that shit mom and me got out nails done. Frenchtips for the toes and red nail polish for the fingers. The lady i got loved to say the word shit alot. Was kinda rude but she did a great job on me and got done fast. I don't think i'll ever get her again.

Nothing else has been going on either. Just thinking now.

Best close.

Currently listening :
Hard Candy
By Madonna
Release date: 2008-04-29

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June 23, 2008 - Monday

8:51 PM - survey
Current mood: bitchy

Do you think your ex deserves to die?
No, but my aunt does.


Have you ever broken someones heart?
yup



Have you ever cheated on anyone?
i was 14 and dumb



Who do you tell the most to?
my mom and best friend jessica



Has anyone ever told you they want to spend the rest of their life with you?
Yes


What do you carry with you at all times?
Cellphone,keys,indetification,medicationlist,chapstick,purell,klenux


Will your next kiss be a mistake?
god i hope not! a kiss is just a kiss sleeping with the person is a whole new game park!


When was the last time you saw your grandpa?
grandpa gordon sometime in january of 1992 passed on now and my other grandpa gayln x-mas of 1996 he's als passed away.


Do you know anyone with cancer?
yes



What did your last text say?
i do do texting!


Who was the last person you talked to in person?
my grandmother marlene


Who was your last missed call on your cell phone?
my mom


Did you speak to your mother today?
yes about every few minutes maybe i still live at home.


Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months?
duh! its like can the other person can!


Have you lost friends in the past 3 years?
yes but hes alive


Do you care if people hate you for no reason?
No.


Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?                                                 who hasn't?


Do you drink tea?
yes all sort of them


Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
i'm like an open buffet.


Are you happy?
 somewhat


Is your room clean?
Semi clean yes.

Has anyone got on your nerves lately?
Yes this loud bitch on the fucking bus. I wanted to strangle her.


Do you bite your fingernails?
ewwwwww no. Thats why i bought clippers...lol


Do you watch a lot of TV?
i run in cycles. mostly movies


Are you tan?
check out my pics like duh!


Do you have unlimited texting?
no

Where is your sister right now?
4 years ago she was abducted by aliens...she lives an hour away.

Do you want someone back in your life?
no.



Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest/fastest for?
fuck no



Who do you trust the most in your life?
Me.


Last night, did you go to sleep smiling?
sure and when i woke up there were birds singing...lol naw i don't think so


Did you have a good day yesterday?
no



Do you hate anyone?
hate is a emotion. No. Theres alot of people i cant stand.



Have you ever collapsed on the bathroom floor?
no but on a dishwwasher, that felt good.



If the person who hurt you the most in your life apologized and told you they loved you what would you say?
i forgive but don't forget.

Currently watching :
Catacombs
Release date: 2008-02-19

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April 18, 2008 - Friday

6:38 PM - Gas Prices around the World

PRICE OF GAS AROUND THE WORLD
>
> Prices are quoted in US dollars per gallon for regular unleaded.
>
>
Oslo, Norway
> $6.82
>
>
>
> Hong Kong
> $4.25
>
>
>
> Brussels, Belgium
> $4.16
>
>
>
> London, UK
> $8.45
>
>
>
> Rome, Italy
> $4.80
>
>
>
> Tokyo, Japan
> $5.25
>
>
>
> Sao Paulo, Brazil
> $4.42
>
>
>
> New Delhi, India
> $3.71
>
>
>
> Sidney, Australia
> $3.42
>
>
>
> Johannesburg, South Africa
> $3. 39
>
>
>
> Mexico City
> $2.22
>
>
>
> Buenos Aires, Argentina
> $2.09
>
>
> ... YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS ...
>
>
>
> Riyadh , Saudi Arabia
> $0.61
>
>
>
> Kuwait
> $0.58
>
>
>
> Caracas, Venezuela
> $0.12
>

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March 29, 2008 - Saturday

9:16 AM - Funny Newspaper Ad’s

REAL NEWSPAPER ADS
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.  Hateful little dog.  Bites.




FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel,  1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.




FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall f ences in a single bound.




FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat ... been out a while.
Better be a reward.



COWS, CALVES:  NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.



NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used,  call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown -  89 cents lb.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. < BR>Call Stephanie.

 
AND THE BEST ONE :
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes
Excellent condition
$1,000 or best offer
No longer needed,  got married last month.
Wife knows everything.
 

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March 4, 2008 - Tuesday

11:01 AM - Odd but neat facts!
Current mood: blah

Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad in first class.

30% of Chinese adults live with their parents.

200 million people in China live on less than $1 a day.

There are 100 million internet users in China. Some of the sites they can't access are BBC news, Amnesty International and Dalailama.com.

In 2006, there were 398 million mobile (or cell) phones in China.

China is the source of 70% of the worlds pirated goods.

20% of the world's population lives in China.

People spend about two weeks of their lives at traffic lights!

Left handed people live slightly shorter lives than right handed people.

Armadillos are able to contract leprosy.

Ten years ago, only 500 people in China could ski. This year, an estimated 5,000,000 Chinese will visit ski resorts.

The ant, when intoxicated, will always fall over to its right side.

The original name of Bank of America was Bank of Italy.

Toxic house plants poison more children than household chemicals.

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores.

In Bahrain, a male gynecologist can only examine a woman's private parts through a mirror.

If the entire population of earth was reduced to exactly 100 people,50% of the world's currency would be held by 6 people.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Fewer than half of the 16,200 major league baseball players have ever hit a home run.
A snail can sleep for three years.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.

Close to 80% of people who watch the Super Bowl on television, only do so to view the commercials.

In the 1800's, people believed that gin could cure stomach problems.

It took approximately 2.5 million blocks to build the Pyramid of Giza, which is one of the Great Pyramids.

Thomas Edison designed a helicopter that would work with gunpowder. It ended up blowing up and also blew up his factory.

McDonalds calls frequent buyers of their food heavy users.

Americans ate eight million more orders of french fries and almost six million more hamburgers this year compared to last.

The Netherlands has built 800 miles of massive dikes and sea walls to hold back the sea.

One pair of rats has the potential for 15,000 descendants in a year.

A female can produce up to twelve litters of twenty rats a year.

Male and female rats may have sex twenty times a day.

The rat has been called the world's most destructive mammal - other than man.

Rats destroy an estimated 1/3 of the world's food supply each year.

25% of all fires of unknown origin are rat-caused.

26% of all electric cable breaks and 18% of all phone cable disruptions are caused by rats.

The USA has more personal computers than the next 7 countries combined.

Members of the armed forces and the police cannot vote in the Dominican Republic.

US tops the world in plastic surgery procedures. Next comes Mexico.

22% of American women aged 20 gave birth while in their teens. In Switzerland and Japan, only 2% did so.

Mexican women spend 15.3% of their life in ill health.

Most Zambians don't live to see their 40th birthday.

The Mall in Washington, D.C. is 1.4 times larger than Vatican City.

The women of Iceland earn two-thirds of their nation's university degrees.

American adults have been educated for the longest time.

The ten most generous countries are all in Europe.

72% of people in Mali earn less than $1 per day.

The top 8 most developed countries all speak Germanic languages. Every such country is in the top 20.

More than 20% of the votes in the 2001 elections in Argentina were invalid.

You can be imprisoned for not voting in Fiji, Chile and Egypt - at least in theory.

0.7% of Americans are currently in prison. Wow!

Saudi diplomats have 367 outstanding parking fines in Britain.


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February 26, 2008 - Tuesday

8:10 PM - Frozen in Grand Cetral Station

Click on the link below for the fun:

http://www.maniacworld.com/frozen-in-grand-central-station.html

Turn volume up and don't forget to laugh!

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February 22, 2008 - Friday

10:37 AM - 3 Funny Jokes

Love midget style
 
A tall woman met a midget at a party.

The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.

After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment.

"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."

"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.

The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her.

Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.

"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

 

The good Doctor

A young couple went to a nude beach on a sunny day. They got rid of all their clothes and lay down.

Suddenly a bee flew into the woman's vagina, and as you all might guess it wasn't very pleasant!

So,they rushed to the nearest hospital where the local Doc tries to solve the problem. He suggested putting honey on the young man's penis and see if he could tempt the bee out.

But the young man didn't like the idea very much, so the Doc volunteered to do it in his place. The Doc had been trying to get the bee out for 5 min, amid much puffing and panting when the young man asked, "Why's it taking so long, Doc?"

The Doc replied "I've changed my mind! I've decided to drown the bugger instead!"

 
A fish story
A redneck (WV) was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove that's well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man...

'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'

'No, sir,' replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah, every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em back home.'

'That's a bunch of crap! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth, Mr.Government Man, I'll show ya. It really works.'

'OK,' said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?,' says the redneck.

The war den says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH,' replied the warden.

'What fish?' replied the redneck.



Moral of th