Top 16 Codes ...
Current mood: bored
Category: Web, HTML, Tech

A lot of people have emailed me to ask how I dd my "Top 16" (sson to be "Top 20").  Actually, a friend of mine, Ron Babich, gave me the basic table codes and I figured it out from there.

If you'd like to try yourself, I have set up instructions on the following page:

http://www.stubakercomedy.com/top16.htm

If you're having problems and would like to ask questions, I'll try to help.  if it gets real crazy, you may have to wait.

Peace. Out.

Stu

Feel free to let your friends know!

To thank me, just add me!

Merry-day-after-Christmas

2:58 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

I'm done with the mistletoe ...
Current mood: exhausted
Category: Pets and Animals

Now, on to the camel toe.

7:07 PM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Merry Christmas ...
Current mood: sleepy
Category: Life

We used to be able to say this and it was OK.

So, there you go.  If  I wasn't ready to head into a tryptophan coma, I'd write more.

I'll try to get back to offending someone later ...

In the meantime, I need to offend more family members I haven't seen all year.

2:52 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Christmas Shopping - I need Valium!
Current mood: cheerful
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping

I always leave 90% of my Christmas shopping until Christmas Eve.  Its my version of Xtreme sports.  I just enjoy the "excitement" (anxiety) in the air. 

Its a world where parking spots and your place in line at checkout become prime real estate.  Shoppers walking with purpose brush right by you as the Christmas Muzak fills the air.  Shelves are picked over and the mall Santa's suit smells like sweat and pee.  ... and he doesn't really like to hear what a 51-year-old handicapped man wants for Christmas.

The elderly find it necessary to do their last minute shopping too.  God bless 'em.  They don't seem to be in a hurry walking or on the road.  Everyone should take a lesson from them.  Slow down and buy the big ticket items.

So, I take a deep breath and plunge into the the gene pool gone astray.

And what does the 51-year-old handicapped person want for Christmas?

You can get it for me.  It only costs a dollar.

... the winning lottery ticket.

If not, just be my myspace friend, have a great Christmas!

... and looking forward to 2006!

12:30 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Just Get Them a Gift Certificate ...
Current mood: chipper
Category: Religion and Philosophy

... when you want to tell someone, "I was thinking of you during this Holiday Season, but not that hard". Christmas is getting down to just exchanging gift certificates. Its just the amount that determines how much you love them.

"Is this a "$20 Certificate at Safeway" friend or a "$100 I-Need-to-Kiss-Your-Ass-for-Some-Reason-Gift-Certificate" friend?

And what do I get all my Myspace friends? How about the html codes so they can make their own "Top 16"? We'll see, I don't know if I love you that much.

My grandmother was so excited one year when she gave us all $20 prepaid VISA card gift certificates.

"You can use them at any store that accepts VISA!", she said.

What was wrong with the gift certificate you gave us every other year before that ANY store would accept, Gramdma?

... a $20 bill.

Nothing says, "I love you this much!" at Christmas time as cash.

... and a hooker.

11:15 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Hidden House: What is Comedy About?
Current mood: thankful
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping

So, a friend of mine, Jaqi, started a comedy night at a bar in Phoenix. It's called Hidden House probably because its off to the side in a bar called Bruno Mali's. I think most of the time its a karaoke room. Perfect for comedy. Room occupancy limit 49. Perfect. Six dollar steak meal special (how bad can that be?). Perfect. Jaqi asked me to do a guest set last night. Perfect. I need all the stage time I can get. Even though there is no stage. (carpet time?)

Jaqi was in pain because of a car accident she was in and emailed me to say she was going to have Steve Maxwell MC. I talked to Steve to carpool but he had not heard and wasn't available. I mean, you do the Improv and BAM! you're suddenly too big for the small rooms. So, I called Jaqi and said I would be happy to MC. I hadn't MC'd in a while.

The show was advertised to start at 7:30. John Jesmer and Ryan McKee were scheduled. Both experienced comics. Jaqi has started the room with some great local comics. So, I brought Linda, told her I would buy her a $6 steak dinner (how bad can that be?) and got there early. Jon showed up at 7:40 -- I bought him a $6 steak dinner (how bad can that be?). Ryan showed up at 7:55 with Mike, the Great One, another comic

By 8 O'clock, there were 4 comics in the room, my wife and the bartender. (how bad can that be?)

What do you do? You put on show. I mean, the karaoke crowd would be showing up any minute. You don't want them to come in to a dead room. So, I took the stage (carpet): "Let's make some noise!"

Two people walked in and we had a "crowd". the whole rest of the show was directed at them.

Don Steinmetz showed up with his notebook. OK, we have a headliner!

Bottom line, we only have so many minutes on this earth and I want to do stand up. This was an opportunity to be professional and put on the best show we could. And, this was Jaqi's show so I didn't want to endanger it. I've always figured I wasn't going to get in the big rooms unless I took the smaller room seriously. So, 1 comic and 8 people in the crowd, most of which had heard all your shit before.

This was one for the history books, so I took pictures. Enjoy!

And, if you have a thought about what comedy is all about, leave a comment!

... I talked to the 2 people after the show. They had fun.

... and the $6 steak dinner is a hell of a deal! It was great! Who knew?

P.S. Jaqi is working very hard on this room.  Each week has very good comics and the room has a nice cozy atmosphere.  I recommend the $6 steak meal!  Come out on Wednesdays!  We had fun!

Please keep table conversations to a minimum. And don't leave!
For Christ's sake! We NEED you!

Stu taking a picture of the "Audience" from stage.
Notice some are hiding their faces.

Ryan trying to make an escape.

Ryan after his set. At the bar. This is 1/4 of the crowd!

Mike gives it up!

Mike. Acting like its a "real" show. Yes!

The rest of the audience.

Jon. You would have thought he was performing at the Improv
He can't NOT do well.

The headliner! SURPRISE! Carpet time!

THE best picture of the night! My finger.

12:46 PM - 12 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Goals for 2006 I: I want to Be a Comic 5 Times Weekly -- Part II
Current mood: uncomfortable
Category: Sports

I sure hope I don't have to GO anywhere to do this, because I'm really lazy.

I wouldn't be up for THAT.

Down for that?  What is it the kids say?

(Whatever)

That's it!

OK, I'm tired now.

9:31 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Goals for 2006 I: I want to Be a Comic 5 Times Weekly
Current mood: lazy
Category: Romance and Relationships

... not weakly.

1:10 AM - 13 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

God is a She!
Current mood: groggy

Why else would she make her son's birthday a holy fucking nightmare?

... with pretty lights.

And man does she hold a grudge! She still hates me.

But, as most women in my life know, I make women cry.

... so I'll get her back.

1:21 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Sissy IV
Current mood: crushed
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

I got beat up so many times by bullies, I tried moving to other schools to avoid them. 
One time, I transferred to an Art School.

I got an interpretive beating.

"I'm a tree!  Now, I'm a tree beating you up!  Ha ha!"

 

 

(Thanks, Steve)

10:34 AM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

2060 Blog Views ...
Current mood: Autistic. Yea!
Category: Autistic. Yea! Travel and Places

Let's Review ...

It all started on 9/11 -- my birthday, not that other thing.  By November 22, somewhere in myspace, there were 1030 mouse clicks creating 1030 blog views here.  Through the ill-fated radio show, the neophyte comedy career, the surgery and hospital stay, the friends checking in, the "God Blogs" or "Sissy Blogs", the random thoughts, the now-famous "Stu's Days With Orny" series, not to mention the "Confessions of a Myspace Whore", somebody kept clicking. Now, only 27 days later and you're at 2060 blog views.  You sure have a lot of time on your hands

It makes me feel warm inside (and, yes, I have changed my diaper today). 

But I know what you're thinking; "THIS GUY sure has a lot of time on HIS hands!".  For every click, for every moment you spent reading, for every "Holy shit! This one is long!  I ain't reading this!", I have spent hours.  So,  I hope it at least it was somewhat entertaining.  It has been for me. Booyah!

One thing you can be sure of, I'll try to make it better.  I'm doing everything I can to become a better comic.  Writing is part of that.  But I have also enjoyed your comments and have even gotten to know many new people whose sense of humor makes myspace more worthwhile. Hopefully, we're all learning how to write better.

And damnit!  To those of you who have subscribed, the T-shirts are on the way!  There was a delay.  A printing error that was my fault wil make them cost more.  Ouch!

A couple of other comics have mentioned that they enjoyed reading the Orny blog series.  I did too. While a blog is essentially narcicistic, I'm assuming its not purely voyeuristic on your part, that maybe you're learning something of value.  Look at me, getting all "college" and shit.

Some of you read and have not "subscribed".  That's fine with me.  Although nobody else can see if you do but me (I see you while you're sleeping, I see you when you're awake ... I know what you did last summer).

If you have a blog too, remind me and I'll subscribe to yours.  I'm a blog reader.  I have a lot of time on my hands, remember?

Some of you have asked for more about the personal me, especially after the "All About Orny" thing.  Well, though I will surely blog about Ornyagain, I'll be taking you up on that.  You've been warned.

And ... keep reading, comment something clever, call me on my bullshit ... and ...tell a friend.  I don't bite.  Wait, that's bullshit right there.  I do bite, I just try not to leave marks.

Let's review again at 4120 ...

8:14 AM - 5 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Christmas Panic
Current mood: scared
Category: Parties and Nightlife

Only seven more days until Christmas and I'm in a panic!. How am I going to get all my shopping done?  How am I going to get the house clean before the relatives come over? 

... And how am I gonna celebrate Jesus' birthday unless I remember to pick up some heroin?

3:56 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Handicap Parking ...
Current mood: blank
Category: Sports

Its so crazy out there during the Christmas rush.  I saw a handicapped guy, with handicap plates on his car, parking in a REGULAR space.

... I gave him a dirty look.

10:53 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

The "Gimpless Set" -- "Stu's Days With Orny" - Epilogue
Current mood: determined
Category: Friends

Its been fun posting this piece about my first meeting with Orny Adams.  Every now and then, I'll post something about him as things come up.  But, sadly, this series is coming to an end.

If you ever get a chance to see him, I highly recommend it.  If you do, tell him Stu Baker told you that you had to and you always do what "Stuie the Gimp" says.

Speaking of gimps.  As part of getting to know Orny and because of his respect for comedy, he gave me an assignment.  He told me to do an all "gimpless" set the next time I did 10 minutes.  I did it the night I came back from Vegas and below is my report to him and his response.  Hope its of interest to everyone -- especially to the other comics.
================================================
Oa.
So, I did the Gimpless Set.  I recorded it and if you're interested, I'll send ya an MP3.

I was tired from the drive back to Phoenix, so I wasn't as sharp as I like to be and I didn't decide on the set until about an hour before the show.  I also had to rewrite a couple of punches because I normally use a handicap reference. 

The crowd was a good comedy crowd and I got tons of laughs and a couple of applause breaks. It wasn't the strongest set I've ever had -- I stumbled over a couple of lines I don't normally, probably because I was tired --  but I was happy with it overall.  I wasn't nervous at all.  I slowed down my delivery and tried to concentrate on some voice modulation depth and even paused a few moments after a bit to let 'em cool down.  I have a closer that I usually deliver with an arc of increasing energy that I didn't quite get as much out of as I could have -- probably because I was tired.

I also changed a couple of other things on how I do things to challenge myself.  I usually don't hold the mic -- instead I just stand, hands-free in front of it.  I took the mic out of the stand and rested my other hand on the stand to give myself some more movement on stage. (I didn't fall down. Yea!)

And, I didn't write down my set on my wrist.  I went commando!  No notes on stage. Only had a couple of brief moments fishing around in my tired brain for the next bit.  

A comic friend of mine in a wheelchair came up and talked to me after the set.  He's one of your myspace friends - he  calls himself "Shortbus Comic". He immediately noticed that I didn't use any handicapped references.  He said he does that every now and then too and congratulated me on it.  I may come out to see him in LA -- he'll be at the Ice house and some other clubs in LA in Feb.  His name is Steve Krause.  He's good and he's an inspiration to me.  He and I started about the same time.

So, overall it was a success - mostly just because I even tried it (along with a couple of other new things).  It taught me I don't need to rely on the handicap stuff as an opener.  It got me out of that comfort zone.  Thanks for taking an interest and giving me the assignment.

I have a question for you if you do have some time to respond.  Would you recommend that I not do ANY handicap reference stuff or was this more of an exercise to learn that I can do it?

Once again. thanks for your time.  I did learn a lot from our hang time on Tues. 

Stu
==============================================

Oa
============================================
So, for now, that'll be it for the Orny blogs.  I'm sure I'll see him again and will have occasion to blog about him now and then.  Thanks for reading and thanks Orny!

(If you haven't added him yet, its time! Orny Adams)

5:16 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Me, Orny Adams, and "The Hang."
Current mood: thirsty
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

The last couple of days have been so busy, I didn't have time to stop and reflect, or blog, about the time Orny spent with Jon and me after his shows while we were in Vegas. 

Orny has a blog entitled "Me, Norm Macdonald, and "The Hang." Here is a snippett:

"It’s also fun to hang around with someone of Norm’s caliber to see how differently he is treated than me. It’s humbling and inspiring. But most enjoyable is “The Hang.” A term I first heard Seinfeld use. When I would open for Seinfeld, he would call your hotel room an hour before the show, and invite you into his room for “The Hang.” And the hang would turn into a comedy dissertation. You can imagine how much knowledge Seinfeld could impart on me. That is the great tradition of stand-up, to impart, pass on, and help the younger comedians. A tradition I am proud to be part of, both benefiting from receiving and giving."

After the 10:30 show, which Orny said rocked, he said he would meet us at the Starbucks.  This was great for me.  First, coffee. Second, it was right outside the elevators -- I didn't have far to walk.

Shortly after midnight, Orny emerged from the elevators in his trademark Bob Dylan t-shirt, still obviously energized from the recent shows he did. He and I had a few minutes waiting for Jon and his girlfriend, Andrea.  Although we had emailed plenty and had one brief telephone conversation, Orny and I really don't know each other all that well.  I have the benefit of seeing him in "Comedian", the Leno performance and now the recent set at Harrah's.  Orny probably still needed a few moments to size me up to decide that I wasn't a weird stalker.  (I'm just a normal stalker).

He talked about how much better the 10:30 was than the 8:30, still not sure if there was anything usable for the CD in that performance.  This guy is never satisfied.

Jon and Andrea showed up and "The Hang" began.  The questions started running.  Jon Jesmer has about 5 years experience led off the our side of the table.  He is clearly one of Arizona's best, in my opinion, and he asked where and how Orny got started and when he knew he wanted to do stand up. Orny told us he knew when he was around 12 and about his days in Atlanta, Boston and New York.  He had questions for both of us, which made us think about where we were going and what we hoped to accomplish.

Jon has plans to soon go to LA -- many Arizona comics have these plans.  Orny suggested he might think about New York, telling us there are better comics out there and more venues to perform.

Sometimes, it took me a second to decide if he was kidding when he answered.  In our emails and from reading my site, Orny knows I can take a joke about being disabled.  He kidded me about needing a ramp to get on stage.  "How are you gonna get up on stage that's five feet tall?", he asked. "How are YOU gonna get up on that stage", I retorted.  There was a lot of asking and retorting going on.  Good times.

He kept asking me where all the questions were.  "Stu, don't you have any more questions for me?"  I was getting so much out of the conversation I was overloading.  I had too many questions to ask.

In general, we all talked about how comedy is our lives;  Orny shared how to put sets together, mechanics of delivery, how one's comedy material should tell something about the comic.  Jon and I both asked how we can get better.  "Do all the time you can!" Where have we heard that before?  But, it was great to hear it from Orny.

Soon, comic Loni Love happened by.  She was the opener/MC for the show and she did a really good job.  I kept thiinking I'd seen her before -- I recognized part of her act -- but  I couldn't remember where.  It was Leno.  She's hot! (And I don't just mean purty, neither).

So, after Orny practically ordered her to, Loni joined "The Hang", She's got an HBO special coming up and a TV series.  Prettysoon she and Orny were all industry and shit.  "Who's your agent?", "Did they ask for 'personals'?", "Oh no, that was my "college" agent."  (Me and Jon dug it).

Pretty soon, Loni had to go and she wished me and Jon good luck.  And, as all good things inevitably have to end, and because I ran out of questions, and because we really didn't know each other that well anyway and Orny wanted to leave before it got awkwardly uncomfortable.

Too late.  You just had coffee at midnight with a gimp.  Now, THAT'S awkward!

Before he left, Orny asked me about THAT set.  He had given me an assignment to do a set where I don't mention anything about being handicapped fror the whole set.  Then I was supposed to report back to him.He calls it my "Gimpless Set"  I hadn't done it yet, but was set to do it the next night.

So, "Stu's Days With Orny" will continue.  Stay tuned.

"Orny! I wish I could QUIT you!"

(Jake Gyllenhaal, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much!)

Currently listening : The Freewheelin' Bob Dylan By Bob Dylan Release date: 16 September, 2003

6:27 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment