Bob Marley and Peace ...
Current mood: fascinated

A statue of late reggae legend Bob Marley has been unveiled in a small Serbian village during a rock festival as a token of peace in the Balkans.

It's about time we used our rock musicians as symbols of the things we can't achieve.

Meatloaf - The inability to have a sustainable career.
Toby Keith - The inability to be a relevant entertainer.
Britney Spears - Inability.

5:31 AM - 6 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Steve Maxwell is Jesus!
Current mood: thankful
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Ever since I was old enough to understand I was a wretched sinner, I have been waiting for Jesus to return. I've been looking in the clouds, in my Easter basket, or under my seat like at an Oprah show, but little did I know he has been right by my side all along, speaking the truth and sacrificing himself for me ... and comedy. Jesus is among us! He is a stand-up comedian in Phoenix. His name is Steve Maxwell. You can call him Stesus!

I should have realized it was him when he won the first and only "Blakey" award. Because when Jared Blake gets drunk, he has visions. He had a vision that Steve Maxwell was God (deal with it). He was close. But God isn't nearly as funny as Steve Maxwell.

Now my mind is flashing back to all the times where Steve worked miracles and amazed everyone ... the time he turned water into Hennessy's and the time he baked bread ... from scratch! Not from a breadmaker! (That would be heresy!).

Everyone who has done comedy in Phoenix has a little Maxwell in him (and even He has taught me not to "go there" when I use the phrase "a little Maxwell in him"). If you haven't gotten a tag for a joke from Stesus, then you weren't listening. But true to his divine nature, he will tell you how to be a better comic whether you are listening or not.

And who could forget the time he overturned the tables of the money changers at JJ's Cantina, shouting, "Thou shalt not hate comedy!"

Nazareth did not recognize him the first time. This town does not recognize him now. It isn't a coincidence that he chose Phoenix, the land of rebirth, to rise from the ashes with the simple message, "Try using a punchline."

As if this wasn't all enough to drop the scales of unfunniness from our eyes, those who were lucky enough to be there witnessed his ultimate sacrifice the other night at the Comedy Draft at the Tempe Improv. Comic after comic, brother after brother, went up to showcase his talent before the spiritually hungry masses while Stesus sat by and waited for his moment of need. Then, the earth trembled, because right in the middle of the show (held in the side room of the Tempe Improv called the Cabaret Room) the three wise men (comics) came in from the main room and took the stage. Right in the middle of a lineup of local comics, headliners and openers from another land, were dazzling the faithful with their magic!

And when they left the stage, and the dust began to clear, the question arose, "Who would take the stage now? Surely this is suicide!" Murmurs went through the crowd of comics as if they were penguins deciding who they would throw into the water to see if the polar bear would eat them. But no such effort was necessary. Stesus took a step forward and put himself up as the sacrificial lamb ... or penguin. He fell on his sword, took the bullet, or drank the milk in the refrigerator that was out of code (or whatever the modern day Jesus is supposed to do).

It was both sad and beautiful to see him die on stage that night. His disciples (Myke Dehu, Stu Baker, Don Steinmetz, Kirk Buckhout ... and there are at least eight others) were giggling in the corner along with only a few of the converted. Many did not even recognize the clocks and calendars were being reset around the universe. Because all time and comedy before now will hence forth be referred to as B.S. (Before Steve).

So, a new era begins. And you will know the believers by the shotglass medallions they wear around their necks or the "Fart if You Love Stesus" bumper stickers on their cars. Weekly meetings are held at Hidden House (7th Avenue and Osborn) every Wednesday at 8:30 pm where the message of true comedy that Steve Maxwell, our savior, our Stesus, died for will steadfastly be distorted and ruined by others until he returns again.

P.S. I'll be opening at the Tempe Improv Thursday July 24th through Sunday July 27th. Come out and witness me keeping the memory of Steve Maxwell alive.

1:37 AM - 35 Comments - 24 Kudos - Add Comment

Trading Rumors Untrue! Stu baker Not Selling Starbucks Stock!
Current mood: sleepy
Category: News and Politics

Reuters Jul 15, 2008 05:19pm EDT

After the recent drop in Starbucks stock, the closing of 500 stores nationwide, and the impending layoffs of baristas, concerns for the welfare of the company have caused a "stir" in the coffee business.

Most importantly, it has been reported that the world leading coffee drinker, Stu Baker, is not only cutting back on his coffee drinking but has sold his Starbucks stock.

Reporters caught up with Baker after his third nap of the day and got the following quote:
"I was trying to stall the stock slide all by myself by drinking a few extra cups a day, I guess it just kind of caught up with me. Hey, can you close those blinds?"

Baker, who is famous for his philosophical musings about coffee, including, "Why sleep when there's a Venti Mocha Frappachino on every corner?", said he should be back in form in a few weeks.

Starbucks Chairman and CEO, Howard Schultz, is checking on Baker's welfare daily. Says Schultz, "We think the buy signal will be when we see him get out of his pajamas."

3:26 PM - 6 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

On Women’s Rights ...
Current mood: aroused
Category: Pets and Animals

A group of women in Saudi Arabia is for the first time lobbying the kingdom's government for the right to drive cars.

So far, they have only been successful in driving a hard bargain, driving a point into the ground, and driving the men crazy with their continual whining.

As you may already know, I'm in favor of women's rights. I think they should be allowed to cross the border. Let them work the jobs we don't want, like cooking, cleaning, and laundry.

(Please address all hate mail to my schizophrenic personality number 3)

11:27 AM - 7 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Jokes that write themselves ...
Current mood: frisky
Category: Friends

Different cultures have different mental illnesses. In various cultures, particularly in Southeast Asia there is an actual anxiety-based illness called "Koro" where a man fears his penis will withdraw into his abdomen and he will die. The man suffers panic attacks and the illness is thought to appear after sexual overindulgence or excessive masturbation.

"The condition is "treated" by having the penis held firmly by the patient or by a family member, or a friend. Or the penis can be clamped to a wooden box."

Source: Butcher, J., Mineka, S, & Hooley, J. (2007). Abnormal psychology (13th ed.). Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson/Allyn and Bacon.

Feel free to write any of thousands of follow-up taglines or jokes here.

I'll get you started:

1). ... a friend? Hey, Dave. Can you do me a favor and hold my penis? I have Koro. Seriously.

2). "No, honey, it's OK, really. The Doctor said I have Koro. Yeah, that's it. First the tip, now the shaft. Up down. Up down. Don't let go now. I might die!"

3) ... a family member? Dad? Is Mom home?

4) Listen. If I have to choose between my friend holding my penis and a wooden box, I'll take the box. At least the box doesn't want me to call them the next day.

Have fun ...

2:14 AM - 11 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

I just got a new van ...
Current mood: rockin
Category: Automotive

I just got a new van! I got pretty much everything I wanted on it. Except I wanted seats that were crushed velvet. The seats on this one were velvet that was only slightly disappointed.

So was I.

10:05 AM - 5 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

Coffee and me ...
Current mood: talkative
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping

I like coffee. I drink, like, 4 to 6 cups a day, unless you're talking about actual cups, then it's like 8 or 12, I don't have a measuring cup handy. And, if I wasn't lying because I'm addicted and in denial, it's probably around 16 to 24.

I get my first cup of the day right after I pee and I don't really wake up until I get that first cup in me.. This means I pee while I'm asleep, but who doesn't?

I've begun to look at my activities in the day in terms of how many cups of coffee it will take for me to have enough energy to do it. I'm like a Coffee Estimator. One trip to the coffee pot = 1 cup of coffee. One trip back to the bedroom = 2 cups of coffee. A trip to the store = 3 cups. A night of stand up = 4 cups. A pattern is developing. I need two pots of coffee to get up enough energy to take a nap!

Of course, this has triggered "trips to the bathroom" planning. One can never be too far away from the bathroom when one drinks a lot of coffee. When I travel, I am the first to know where the Starbucks are and where the bathroom is.

Lately I've been thinking I might just cut out the middle man and pour the coffee directly into the toilet.

Jees! This is exhausting! I need some coffee ... and a nap. Better go brew a pot.

7:14 PM - 10 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Arctic sea ice withdraws to all-time low ...
Current mood: ashamed
Category: Travel and Places

Arctic sea ice withdraws to all-time low ...

I suggested that it get some counseling. Or ... maybe get a job, loser!

(I know, that's cold)

11:22 PM - 13 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

I want to be a mime ...
Current mood: inspired
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

I want to be a mime interpreter for the deaf.

1:34 AM - 6 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Doctor Assisted Suicide is a Slippery ...
Current mood: devious
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping

It would be better to just push the cripple down a slippery slope That way you could just say they fell. Everyone is off the hook!

Of course, that could be a slippery slope as well.

Pretty soon everyone will be pushing cripple down slippery slopes.

Wee!

3:16 PM - 11 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment