The News Depresses Me
Current mood: bummed
Category: News and Politics

So there about five sites I check regularly: facebook, myspace, xanga, cnn, and my bank accounts. I spend a lot of time doing nonsense on the personal sites but I get most of my information for the week from cnn, since I don't have television. I get so frustrated sometimes though. I am sick of the election being news. I understand it is important, I do. I love the democratic process. But I was over primaries four months ago. I just read a story about a father shooting his eight year old son because he thought he was a turkey. I am a hunter. I believe people should be able to own guns. BUT EIGHT YEAR OLD CHILDREN SHOULD NOT BE HUNTING. Especially if they are camouflaged. Not to mention all this controversy with the polygamist community in Texas. I know there are different religious views in this country. I really had no idea how many people were involved in these sects though. I was suspicious from the beginning about the "Sara" caller. Now it seems it was a fake caller. However now Social Services have custody of 400 children. I just hope they can assess and place children safely and quickly. The men still remaining in the compound have been quoted as saying they perhaps did not know there was a law against marrying and having intercourse with girls younger than eighteen. I just pray for these kids and families that are being separated. I know it must be hard on everyone involved, especially if you have been taught certain things will damn you to hell.
I know cnn is not the greatest news source, perhaps I should be reading the bbc or other foreign information sites to get a better perspective on the U.S. international operations. But with so much pain at home, I can't even get past the "local" stories.  The Haitian immigrants that capsized in the Caribbean, twenty dead and four survivors? Devastating. Chicago had a terribly violent weekend and I am just worried that Milwaukee is in for another murderous summer. Also I was reading the armed forces are recruiting felons. Now I do believe in rehabilitation (to an extent) and that people can have second chances. But people who have been convicted of making terrorist threats and assault being allowed into the service? How stable are these people and would they be able to act rationally in a a high stress situation?

Ugh, enough ranting.

 I am grateful that I live in a country where I have access to this information. I am fortunate that I have all of my needs met that I can take time to be concerned. I just need to get back in school so I can eventually try and make a difference. Hopefully over the summer I can find some volunteer opportunities as well. Make myself useful for once.

5:58 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Copied from my Xanga
Current mood: sleepy
Category: Quiz/Survey

Ten things you wish you could say to people right now (don't list names): 

Three smileys that describe your life:
1. 

2.  

3.  

1:45 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Sigh.
Current mood: drained
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

So Ben just had an interview with an Economic Justice Organization here in Denver for an internship.  Charlotte and I went and waited while he was talking with the two ladies doing the questioning. We were in the waiting area which doubles as the lunchroom apparently.  I started talking to a woman who works there that is six months pregnant just about the baby and just moving here, etc. Well, as you could have guessed, she is a social worker, and when I told her where I was working and how I am just hourly. She said to me "Wow, you guys must be having a real tough time then." And I know we are, monetarily speaking, but to have someone else tell you that, someone who deals with economic burdens and government aid tell you that, it really hit home.  It actually hurt a little even though its the truth. I guess you lie to yourself that it will get better or that its just this week, but we are really poor. Now, I know, clearly we have the luxury of dsl and I own a car, but when you balance our bills versus my income we are just about even.  Thankfully Ben borrowed enough money to cover rent or I would have had to sell my car already. (Which actually is worth more here than what I paid for it 2 years ago).  So here I am utterly depressed because I can't make enough money, which is a sensation of complete inadequacy.  I guess I never understood how important it is to me to be the breadwinner, the one who can lend her friends money on a moment's notice, the one who saves and pays her credit cards off in full every month. It is devastating to be the opposite side of the coin.

I am also feeling inadequate because of the type of work Ben would be doing at this organization if he gets the internship.  Social work, my calling. I feel like such a failure. I didn't finish school, I'm making $10/hr and am a legally single woman with a baby. I sat and looked at UWM's timetable last night for a good half hour just mourning the student I no longer am.  Plus, Ben can take or leave this internship and get another somewhere else, like for the government, the Department of Homeland Security even.  And this is what I have wanted to do since I was 15 years old and I can't do it. I actually should be the client. So, now I no longer have the balance against Ben that I once had. I am no longer the provider while he can be the student, furthering himself intellectually.  I am not an equal. Though he may not go to class everyday or finish all his homework on time, but he is still doing what he set out to do and I am not.

So I have to apply at Starbucks AGAIN and see if this different store accepts my application instead of the one that never called me back, assholes.  I just want my life back to what it was in Wisconsin and now my sister is living my life.  She is probably going to be the next cafe lead at the (my) Racine store with their new formerly Starbucks corporate cafe manager. I am no longer needed anywhere besides with Charlotte and it just makes me feel worse. Thank God she is a baby and cannot understand what we as parents have to put ourselves through just to be together. Wish me luck with the Coffee Siren.

Currently reading : East of Eden By John Steinbeck Release date: 05 February, 2002

3:25 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

moving to the country, gonna eat me a lot of peaches
Current mood: mellow
Category: Travel and Places

I haven't flown since February. I haven't left the country in six years. I haven't been away from home for longer than five weeks, ever. Now I am moving to Colorado and I should be more excited than I am. Not because everyone is telling how great it is there and how beautiful the mountains are. Trust me, I know I have been through there a few times. But because this is such a ME thing to do, to move to the mountains. I was the one that was going to live in the woods as a hermit nudist writing poetry and eating bark. I am the wanna be bohemian hippie and enviromentalist. But all that changed when Charlotte was born. Now, I am leaving and breaking every family member's heart except my own. Our mothers can't stand that we are taking their one and only brand new grandbaby one thousand miles away. But I think what worries them the most is that once we are away, will we remain that way? We say we'll be back in two years, when Ben is done with school so I can finish school here, so we can raise our kids (yes we are planning on having more) with our families close by and where we grew up.

But the truth is becoming ever more apparent to me, will the lure of adventure and sights unseen keep us away longer? Will I, we, love Denver too much? Now that Ben is not alone will he open up to the city like never before. Will the mountains call me and will I stop denying myself their grandeur?

I could stay here, I could keep my job, which I adore and owe so much. But I need to grow up and cut the cord already. Plus, I am making the sacrifice for my relationship. Where I am in my life, I know I would not be able to live with myself if I did not take this opportunity of utter and total commitment. It is give and take and I know I can do anything with him as my calmer-downer, my sounding board, my teddy bear and my dirty old man. I really don't need a ring on my finger, in fact I am getting more and more proud of the idea of not being married than being married. Don't worry, I'm not knocking marriage it is something that I value and truly respect ( coming from parents who are happily married for nearly 26 years). I just like to tell myself I am liberal, counterculture enough that I can have Ben as my partner and that will be enough.

Wow am I touching a lot of bases tonight. So the thing is, I don't know whats going to happen, but I know I am going. Its not going to be easy, but I have survived myself for the past 22 years, its all downhill from here.

Currently reading : The Giant Book of Sudoku Presented by Will Shortz: 300 Wordless Crossword Puzzles By Will Shortz Release date: 13 October, 2005

8:24 PM - 5 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

April is closer to being done now.
Current mood: anxious

I really want April to be over with.  Actually I wanted April over with before it started. I don't know why I am holding something against the month this year, but I am.  I guess I am just impatient. Or perhaps just bored. I have made so many plans for this summer and into the next year, but now we are still waiting. Waiting for spring even, for the baby shower, for the BABY. Lots of waiting... and its no fun.

Plus I have been putting things off as well, because I will have more time later and other bad excuses I come up with in my head. So as much as I am going to be bored out of my mind during my leave from work, I should have plenty to do. Not to mention thinking about work the entire time I am not there, until the baby comes. Because really, who knows when this baby is coming?! Sometime in the middle of June, supposedly. Which is still TWO MONTHS away. C R A Z Y.I have been pregnant forever though, so maybe its just me who is crazy. I over heard a mom talking on the phone in the kids department at work today and she was saying how the first pregnancy takes forever because you are anticipating the new arrival, while the second pregnancy flies by because you are so busy chasing your first around. So we shall see if thats true much later.

I wish there were more hours in a day sometimes too though. Because there is so much for me to learn at work, especially before I transfer, that I just want to stay and work on things through out the store. Even if I should be worrying completely about the cafe.  I'm a Barnes & Noble sucker, what can I say? Nerd alert. Nerd alert. And all that jazz too.  I did even make a store list registry for the place, not even gonna lie.

So I am looking for a formal dress/ outfit because my brother's frat is having a frat formal at the end of the month. Anyone know where to find something thats really nice and the size of a tent? Motherhood Maternity is a no go, because they barely have anything that is a XL (at a maternity store even!) and so is J.C. Penny... ?

Currently reading : Grace (Eventually): Thoughts on Faith By Anne Lamott Release date: 20 March, 2007

12:31 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Proof of love

Create your own Friend Quiz here

7:46 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

And as I walked away, my eyes were flooding
Current mood: lonely
Category: Life

So I just dropped my beloved off at the airport for his flight back to Colorado.  I wont be able to see him until the later part of March; another two months apart.  We did it this time, we can do it again. It doesn't mean either of us want to though. Six months ago, if life ever went according to plan, I would be leaving for Colorado with him, to start our life together.  Well, we will be starting our new life together come June, when our baby is due.  I just don't know where we will be living though. Because apparently I am a loafer in my parents' house, which I take care of, including their dog.  I am not allowed to set rules that protect my privacy or health for the household, therefore I need to move out.  I wont be able to do this until March just because of credit cards bills from the holidays, but come March I'm out. 
I love my family, I just can't deal with their constant disregard for my space or health.  I have made this place my home, but apparently pratcially paying their mortage and taking care of Gus constantly doesn't count for much.  So I'll be moving on my own as soon as financially possible.

But I just opened that can of worms to distract myself.  Ben is gone and I am home alone again.  Its amazing how powerful our love is, because we both know that we are doing what we can for our future together. We know that all the time we spend apart is for the best, so he can eventually get his doctorate and I sustain a steady income and build a nest egg for us.   It still stings saying goodbye.  He has always been my rock, my balance, the one who calms my dramatics and just holds me until I'm done crying.  He is someone I am so proud to love and its hard not to be selfish with him. I know I kept him from his family on his stay here and I apologize. Because everyone in his life loves him and thats why its so hard for him to be away from everyone here, and so hard for us to know he is so far from home.

I need to go do laundry and stop pouring out my soul; so maybe I can stop crying too.

Currently watching : The Rocky Horror Picture Show (Single Disc Edition) Release date: 03 September, 2002

11:54 AM - 4 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

isle of misfit toys
Current mood: discontent

something i need to remember everyday: i know no one and no one knows me

8:11 PM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I don't know if this will work

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

6:01 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

70 things
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Quiz/Survey

70 THINGS YOU PROBABLY DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME...

Copy this survey.

Fill it out with your own answers.

Re-post it as your own bulletin.

There ya go.

-------------------

1. DO YOU SNORE?
   Don't think so

2. ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?
    I am very much both

3. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
    Dying alone and unmissed.

4. AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?
     Nope, that would have been my brother.

5. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY" TV?
     Um... its not reality, I liked the Osbournes I watch wife swap otherwise I don't need it or mind it.

6. DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
     Sometimes.

7. WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?
      Kind of, but I personally think I looked like a duck.

8. IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?
       Not right now.

9. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?
   Black

10. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
      Sometimes and only when I am alone and I have music playing.