HAIKU REVIEWS: Videodrome, Maniac/Narcotic, Sex and the City, I’m Not There
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

VIDEODROME  * *  (James Woods, Deborah Harry. Directed by David Cronenberg. 1983)
TVs breathe and sigh.
Oh! And kill hardcore porn fans.
I think. Cronenberg! 

MANIAC/NARCOTIC  *  (Harry Cording, William Woods, some other Phyllis Diller. Both directed by Dwain Esper. 1933 and 1934.)
Two 30s shockers:
drug orgies and zombie rape!
Depraved, yet boring.

SEX AND THE CITY  * * 1/2 (Those four again. Directed by Michael Patrick King. 2008)  
More shoes, nudes, and dudes.
It's the TV show gone wild.
What did you expect?

I'M NOT THERE  * * *    (Cate Blanchett, Christian Bale, Richard Gere, Heath Ledger, Marcus Carl Franklin, Ben Whishaw. Directed by Todd Haynes. 2007)  
Lord, six Dylans
tumbling through time, race, and sex.
See it for Blanchett.

and one from my pal The Viking

Whale Rider
Hopeful Maori girl
The chieftain is always male
Traditions must change.

2:35 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

HAIKU MOVIE REVIEWS: Amazing Screw-On Head, Juno, Iron Man
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

THE AMAZING SCREW-ON HEAD * * * * 1/2 (Paul Giamatti, Patton Oswald, Molly Shannon, David Hyde Pierce. Dir by Chris Prynoski. 2006. cartoon!)

"Wild, Wild West"-like world:

Abe Lincoln's secret weapons

blow your freakin' mind.

 
JUNO  * * * *  (Ellen Page, Michael Cera, Jennifer Garner, Jason Bateman. Dir by Jason Reitman. 2007) 

How can everyone

speak so dang precociously?

Still, the story's strong.
 

IRON MAN  * * * 1/2   (Robert Downey, Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, scary Jeff Bridges. Dir by Jon Favreau. 2008) 

Billionaire playboy

and his superhero suit

make case against war!

6:08 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

HAIKU MOVIE REVIEWS: Soylent Green, There Will Be Blood, Leatherheads

SOYLENT GREEN * *
Soylent Green is what?!?
And cops wear football helmets?
Man, the future sucks.

THERE WILL BE BLOOD * * *
Gorgeous and brutal
was this three hour beating.
He drank my oilshake!

LEATHERHEADS * * *
Trio of charmers
get all ol'-timey slapstick.
Light-weight football fun.

2:03 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Visiting Blaze in SF: A Haiku Odyssey
Category: Friends

61107->94611->61107
Car, bus, jet, tram, BART
to happy times with Blaze; then
BART, tram, jet, bus, car.

A Coven of Smarty-pantses
The Witty-Knitties
sure can eat, drink, laugh, and talk.
Who needs books and yarn?

Le Cheval’s Ginger Drop
Taste the golden joy
when a ginger martini
lives up to its hype.

Local Salon Prefers Out-of-Towner
Feet and hands massaged,
my nails all purpled and pinked.
Blaze got stabbed and burned.

Banh Mi Ba Le
For just two-fifty,
bright red sweet barbecued pork
blesses from its bun.

The Book of Liz
The Sedarises
wrote a play about cheeseballs.
Huh. It’s not funny.

Exercisin’ Old School
Spin spin spin drop SMACK!
My back will ache, but who cares?
I’m hoolie-hoopin’!

Chocolate Chip and Ginger Snap
Oh, Bakesale Betty!
Where have you and your cookies
been all of my life?!?

Cosmetological Pilgrimage
She gilds my eyelids,
peaches up my pasty-face,
for my Benefit.

Hello, Pancake
Fish flakes danced atop
our okonomiyaki.
Our joy surpassed theirs.

A Well-Spent Fifteen Minutes in Psychictherapy
Stop the joy-drainers!
Get more light! Nature! Citrus!
Anger will free grief.

Sometimes You Can See Too Much from the Rooftop Bar
We drink mojitos
while someone’s home is burning.
Of course we feel bad!

I am still trying to write something in celebration of The VIPness (heh heh.) of my lovely and glorious visit to Oakland and San Francisco. Thank you, Blaze! Thank you, Michael (don’t be sick next time. Beauty Bar is calling.)! And thank you, Susan O! This trip was the cure for a lot of ills.

7:19 PM - 6 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

GALLERY OF MASCOTS - 1/13/08 update
Category: Friends

It's finally here. My dream has come true. A collection of photos of my friends with mascots. I'm posting them in a small format that you can click on for a closer look. Please, please, please send me more!

The latest addition is Shawn's niece with a little someone he refers to as "Tammy Faye Easter Bunny." He also asks a very important question: "What the hell? Kids sit on the Easter Bunny's lap now and ask for things?" yeah, it ain't right.

REMINDER: I define a mascot as an over-sized,3-D figure with a human inside. Often, they are selling something. Usually, they get paid to wave at you.
or they are being punished by being forced to glad-hand you.

4:44 AM - 11 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment

HAIKU MOVIE RVW: Once (by Heather), Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World, Sword in the Stone
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

ONCE (reviewed by Heather)
indie rock music
wrapped around a love story
brilliant and moving.

My Review of "Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World" * *

SOMEONE TOOK A TRIP TO INDIA AND A MOVIE POPPED OUT.
Each boring moment
is a slap in the face to
its funny title.

My review of Disney's "The Sword in the Stone" * * *

OLDE TALE, ALL DISNEY-FAMILIAR
Christopher Robin
pulls a sword out of a stone
and becomes the king.

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HAIKU MOVIE REVIEWS: Gigantic, Fracture, Hot Fuzz, Grindhouse
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

GIGANTIC: A TALE OF TWO JOHNS **
My favorite band,
adored by celebrities.
This Might Be...Boring?!?

FRACTURE **
Up-and-coming jerk
outwits murderer in court.
Decent TV plot.

HOT FUZZ *****
A sweet buddy film.
Now they fight crooks, not zombies.
Gore AND paperwork!

GRINDHOUSE ***
Two bloody nightmares,
this drive-in double-feature.
Best part? Fake previews!

10:34 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

HAIKU MOVIE REVIEWS + 1: Fast Food Nation, Different From the Others, The Man Who Laughs
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

(I am using a five-star scale now. I think I was using a four-star scale before. Can't recall.)

FAST FOOD NATION * * * *
Cows and immigrants
chewed up in the meat grinder.
Want fries with that sh**?

DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHERS * * *
German men in love,
doomed by homeland politics.
More doc than drama.

THE MAN WHO LAUGHS * * * *
Salacious silent!
Sweet circus freak keeps grinning,
mouth slit ear-to-ear.

(non-movie bonus haiku for Michiganders)
OH, COLD BEEF PASTIE!
Just the thought of you,
my people's crusty manna,
makes my stomach churn.

3:02 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

High Fidelity, Breach, Jesus Camp: 3 haiku movie reviews.
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

HIGH FIDELITY * * *
I want more music
And less relationship stuff.
At least Jack Black's great.

BREACH * * * *
Unfed ego trumps
God, family, and country
'til mousie traps cat.

JESUS CAMP * * * *
A cardboard cutout
of President Bush presides
over kiddy hell.

8:20 PM - 3 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

Other People's Haiku Movie Reviews

Here are a few haiku movie reviews friends have sent me over the past month or so. The authors can all be found in my MySpace Friends. Enjoy!

(two from Viking)
Babel:
No, I understand,
Communication breaks down.
But what is the point?

Crash:
Interconnected
Lives all impact each other.
Better than Babel
*************
ELIZABETHTOWN (Lester)
Life is worth living;
Failure: just the beginning;
Death opens your eyes.
*************
IDIOCRACY (Jon, cheating with a two-parter again!)
"Idiocracy"
"Anti-NPR" takes over-
the planet is doomed.

Mike Judge-funnyman.
Not as good as "Office Space:"
worth a cheap rental.

8:13 PM - 4 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment