Getting my gall bladder removed -or- Why does all the health stuff happen during Shark Week?
Current mood: anxious
Category: Life

So yeah, I'm having my gall bladder removed tomorrow morning. Why? Because gall stones can really hurt. A lot. And I'm not liking the pain thing. It doesn't work for me at all. Anyway, it's outpatient surgery, so I should be home sometime tomorrow, unless of course I have unusual complications. Sometimes I think I'm unusually complicated. Hope it doesn't work out that way tomorrow.

And, looking back at last year's blog at this time, why is it that I have these problems during Shark Week? Ok, technically it doesn't start until Sunday, but I'll still be recovering then. So, I can lay in bed, enjoying the vicodin or whatever they give me for pain, watching all the cool shark shows. Actually, that might not be so bad. :)  Except for the pain part. Not looking forward to that. :( 

Wish me luck  :)

Currently listening : Viva La Vida By Coldplay Release date: 2008-06-17

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A year and one best friend later...
Current mood: content
Category: Friends

A year ago tonight (ok, it's early morning now, but I still say tonight), right here on myspace, I met the most amazing person. Here I am, a year later, and he is the best friend I have ever had. We met during a really awful time for me and the friendship that started that night helped me to heal and move on faster than I thought I could. He has made me realize what I had been missing my whole life. For 37 years, I never had a friend like that, someone I know really understands me, someone who can tell what I am feeling, even when I am only typing, someone who doesn't reject me or walk away because I'm not acting the way I'm expected to. I understand now that the people I called friends who have gone from my life were not really friends to me. Not good friends anyway. It's like for the first time, I feel really connected with someone, really understood. A year ago, I felt crushed and completely alone. And then he said hello and all of that began to lift. I wonder sometimes what was so important that I let it make me feel so bad. It seems so pointless to have wasted any energy or emotion on someone who was ultimately so insignificant and caused so much stress and pain in my life. I have come so far from that and I wouldn't be here without Nico's friendship and support. So I wanted to share that, because today means a lot to me. I am thankful everyday for having someone so special in my life. It means the world to me to know he is there and always will be.

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Tori, Tori, Tori
Current mood: content
Category: Music

So, I went to see Tori Amos last night, for the hundredth time. (Ok, maybe not that many, but I've been to lots and lots of shows). And she was perfect and amazing and wonderful as always. She played Cooling, which, if you haven't heard it, is one of her most beautiful songs I think. I was very, very happy. Anyway, I just wanted to share that because seeing Tori always makes me happy, which was especially good, since I was a bit sad yesterday.

Currently listening : American Doll Posse By Tori Amos Release date: 01 May, 2007

3:32 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Happiness is....
Current mood: happy
Category: Friends

Seeing the look on the face of a good friend when you surprise him by picking him up at the airport after 16 hours of travel.

So now my myspace mood is set to happy, something it hasn't been for a bit and I've been smiling for the past 24 hours. It's funny how a friend can do that to you.

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Tonsilitis Sucks and Shark Week (yay!)
Current mood: sick
Category: Life

First things first: Apparently, I have tonsilitis.  I'm making this assumption based on the appearance of my tonsils and the fact that I'm so exhausted I can't do much but sleep all day. I will be seeing the doctor next week, but it's probably viral and she's going to tell me there's nothing she can give me anyway.The good news is, no fever and no sore throat. But it's a waste of a weekend. I can't stay awake for too long at a time. Sleeping that much is very boring.

Second: Shark Week!!!!! YAY!!!!!!! I love Shark Week! And this year it starts next Sunday, which also happens to be my birthday. So yes, I'm such a big dork that I will be watching the Discovery Channel on my birthday.   But Shark Week brings us things like Air Jaws. Never seen it? I put together some clips on the Discovery Channel site:

http://dsc.discovery.com/convergence/sharkweek/video-mixer/video-mixer.html?friendsClip=1698

Great White sharks flying through the air. That's something you don't see everyday. Well, I can, because I have the dvd (yes, I'm that big of a dork). If you want to check the Shark Week page:

http://dsc.discovery.com/convergence/sharkweek/sharkweek.html

I have to have something to look forward to while I'm laying in bed trying to get over this....

Currently listening : Finally Woken By Jem Release date: 23 March, 2004

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May 23, 2007, or Endlessly Fascinating, or Ciao Nico, or maybe just :)
Current mood: happy
Category: Friends

On the date mentioned in the title, two events took place simultaneously that significantly changed a lot of things about my outlook on life and myself.

We'll get the negativity out of the way first. That was the day that the waste of time, space and energy that is my ex refused to allow me to confront him about all the lies I found out he had told me, lies that he used to manipulate me and keep me from leaving a really toxic relationship/friendship. He did agree to an email from me (I know, how big of him) and I was in the middle of struggling to write it all down, when something that was the polar opposite happened. By the way, that same jackass then showed up at my work 2 days later to give something back to me, after refusing to speak to me in person when I asked. Manipulative much? I did say everything I needed to and I really have no desire or need to ever say anything to him again. But back to the story...

I have described this day like this: A door closed and I was in this very dark place, feeling very alone. Then a window opened and there was a new friend who has this very infectious positive energy. And he reminded me that there was a whole world out there, filled with people I had never met, really good people, people who understand what friendship really is. A friend of mine told me she had been praying for me, that my depression and anxiety would be lifted and a door would be opened. Funny how we both used the same kind of imagery.

Anyway, on with the positive stuff. That same night, someone right here on myspace, someone I had never met before said hello to me. And everything shifted. I couldn't focus on the pain anymore because I was smiling too much. I made a new friend in the middle of all of stuff I was going through and suddenly the stuff didn't matter anymore. We talked online for many hours over the next few days. Actually, we had some kind of communication daily for a month over myspace IM, text, phone and in person. He's been gone for a week, but we'll be back in touch soon. (Why is Italy so far away? And thank god for Skype. Well, Nico too for telling me to download it) I woke up one day and realized that I actually felt ok, normal. Well, if I can ever really be normal.  We finally met just over two weeks ago and got to spend some time together and it was one of the best weeks I've had in a very long time.

There aren't really words to express what he did for me that night, just opening the window and saying hello. It would have been very easy for me to have gotten lost in that darkness. But I took a chance and said hello back and found one of the most kind, honest, intelligent, friendly, gentle and real people I have ever met. So, for all the cynics out there who say that everything on myspace is fake and superficial, well, you're just wrong. For those of you who are in dark places, there are still people out here in the world who are really worth taking a risk and getting to know. For Nico, I can never thank you enough. I'm honored to call you my friend.

Currently listening : Sorta Fairytale By Tori Amos Release date: 22 October, 2002

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Survey borrowed from Absinthe Bride
Current mood: sleepy
Category: Quiz/Survey

Generally, I don't like the survey thing much. But this one caught my attention:

Name 6 things you do when you're really stressed:

1. Cry
2. Shake my leg/bounce my feet
3. Focus on my breathing
4. Listen to music
5. Sudoku (makes me think about something else)
6. Talk about it with someone

Name 5 favorite fruits:

1. Nectarines
2. Cherries (Ranier)
3. Grapes
4. Pineapple
5. Bananas

Name 4 names you go by:

1. Michelle (that's the real one)
2. Sunshine                                                                                                        3. Spacefrog (only online though)
4. Dork (only as a term of endearment)

Name 3 things you are wearing right now:

1. an old Tori Amos shirt
2. Jeans
3. a belt

What are you thinking about right now?

What movies I want to see.

Where is your phone?

On the desk next to me.

Where do you sleep?

In my bed, in my room, in my apartment.

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?

Rec.music.tori-amos  newsgroup. Many years ago.

What was the last thing you ate?

Leftover Thai Chicken pizza from CPK

What cell phone service do you have?

Cingular. Which was AT&T and then it became Cingular and now it will be AT&T again. Or it already is. I have no idea anymore.

What is the closest item near you that is blue?

My jeans? Um..... A little blue teddy bear on my desk.

What is the last movie you watched?

Probably Pan's Labyrinth. And if it wasn't, then it should have been.

When did you last feel a tree with your bare hands?

I really don't know.


The Strange Eleven - Eleven odd facts about yourself:

1. When was the last time you shaved your legs?

Today. It was really, really necessary.

2. What were you doing this morning at 8am?

Sleeping.

3. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace page?

Yes. Absolutely.

4. How many different beverages have you drank today?

2, water and Coke.

5. What's one thing you wish to change about yourself?

One thing? Just one? Um...my inability to let go. ( I left this one from her answers because it's that's exactly what I was going to say)

6. What do you wish for?

To find where I belong. To finally have the family that I have wanted. To be loved for who I am.

7. When was the last time you got really hurt?

Physically? I don't think I've ever been really hurt physically. I had a concussion when I was 19-20.  Emotionally? Yesterday. Well, I didn't get hurt, but the pain was brought back to me yesterday. It was caused over the past year and a half, so I guess that's what I would say.

8. Any plans for friday night?

It's Saturday, so it's too soon to tell. But if anyone wants to make some, I think I'm free.

9. Something you are excited about?

New friends. Moving on with my life.

10. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO?

Jello just really doesn't work for me.

11. Describe your keychains:

So many. I have a UCLA keychain I've had for almost 20 years. I have one from KROQ Weenie Roast from way back when. Those are on the house keys. The car has a metal one with Pooh and Tigger that says Michelle, a plastic Eyeore figure and a new one that is leather with an eye in it. Check this site out: www.grichels.com


1. Do you know anyone in prison?

Yes.

2. Have you ever logged onto a bf/gf/crush's MySpace page?

Unfortunately, yes.

3. When is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly?

Sometime in the past few months.

5. Have you ever gotten naked at a party?

Not that I can remember, no.

6. Name something you miss.

My grandmother.

7. Are you named after a grandparent?

No.

8. Who loves you?

My family and my true friends.                                                                           
9. Have you ever broken a rib?

No.

10. Would you rather be a girl or a guy?

Girl. I think I'll stay as I am.

11. Who is the most spoiled person you know?

My niece. And yes I know I have a lot to do with that.

12. Would you rather have a million dollars or true love?

True love.

13. Have you ever had sex in church?

Not that I remember anyway.

14. Are u gay?

Nope.

15. Would you rather date someone 2 years younger or older?

It wouldn't matter to me.

16. What's your favorite junk food?

Dark chocolate. Does that count?

17. Do you have a porn collection?

Nope.

18. Is your birthday on a holiday?

No.

19. Are you old enough to vote?

Yes.

20. Do you have any friends or family in the war right now?

No.

21. Are you a vegetarian?

No. But I do eat veggies.

22. Do you worry about global warming?

Yes. Not like a constant worry or overwhelming anxiety or anything.

23. Do you like Polar bears?

Yes, but I wouldn't want to meet one up close and in person.                             
24. What song do you want played at your funeral?

1000 Oceans by Tori Amos and I Grieve by Peter Gabriel. However, I would also like some more upbeat songs, I just can't think of specific titles at the moment.

25. Did you lose your virginity to your neighbor?

Nope.

26. Did or do you think your childhood dreams will come true?

I don't remember anymore what they were.  I know I wanted to be happy, so yes, I think that that will come true.

28. Are you a country or city girl/boy?

City.

29. Are you taller than 5'6"?

Yes.


Honestly, what color is your underwear?

Dark Purple.

Honestly, what's on your mind?

That I'm stronger than I think I am and I have changed more than I give myself credit for.

Honestly, what are you doing right now?

Answering this survey and chatting with someone on myspace IM

Honestly, Do you think Carrie Underwood is attractive?

(I don't know Shannon, but I read it when I read the survey and like the comment, so I left it in) Shannon wrote this and cracked me up:

I don't know why the author of this survey is so paranoid about the validity of the takers answers!

I never really thought about it. I suppose she is.

Honestly, who is your best friend?

My sister.

Honestly, have you done something bad today?

I over slept and was a little late to my hair appointment.

Honestly, do you watch Disney channel?

I live with my 7 year old niece, what do you think? Although I don't watch it unless she's watching it.

Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?

No, because everyone has problems and I have a hard enough time dealing with my own, so why would I want to trade them for a whole new set?

Honestly, what makes you mad most of the time?

My ex. But I'm done with that now. Lying

Honestly, do you bite your nails?

On occasion, usually when one is torn or broken. Not down to the quick or anything like that.

Honestly, have you had an eating disorder?

No.                                                                                                                  
Honestly, do you want to see someone this very moment?

Of course. But we can't just have what we want at the moment we want it.

Honestly what did you do tonight?

It's still afternoon. Last night, I stayed up really late talking to a very nice guy on myspace IM.

Honestly, do you have a friend you don't actually like?

Not really. There are times when I don't like the things that someone does, but generally, I like my friends.

Honestly, are you in denial?

I used to rent there, but I decided to give in an buy property.

Honestly, do you like anyone?

Of course.

Honestly, does anyone like you?

I hope so.



Anger Section

What do you do when you're mad?

I yell. I cry. I shut down.

What's the worst thing you've done when you were mad?

Said or written really nasty things that I wish I could take back.                          
Ever made anyone cry when you were mad?

Yes.

Do you swear when you're mad?

I swear when I'm not mad.


Crying Section

When was the last time you really cried?

Yesterday.

Ever cried yourself to sleep?

Yes.

Do certain songs make you cry?

Yes.

What usually makes you cry?

Loss. Anxiety. Anger. Hurt.


Happy section

Are you normally a happy person?

Define normal. Am I capable of feeling happy? I think so. Am I happy often enough? No, I'm not.

What can make you happy?

My niece, my cats, my friends, hugs, genuine smiles, kind words, Disneyland.

Does being with your friends make you happy?

Mostly. But not when they are doing things that make me feel unhappy.

Do you believe in yourself?

Not enough. I've lost a lot of my self assurance. But I am trying to get that back.

When people say they think you are good looking/pretty, do you get happy?

Depends on the person and if they are being sincere.


Can you do a split?

Nope, never could.                                                                                           
Do you play an instrument?

No. Used to play cello once upon a time.

Do you do well in school?

Yes, I did.

Do you speak a different language?

Nope. Don't have the right kind of brain for it I guess.

How tall are you?

5'7"

Do you dye your hair?

Yes. Today actually.

How long have you had a myspace?

About  a year.                                 

Favorite song?

Only one? Right now I would say Stupid Thing by Aimee Mann. But there's no way I could pick only one song. I could list hundreds.

Favorite color?

Green.

Favorite sport?

Hockey.

Do you think you're pretty/handsome?

No.

Are you confident?

Not really about a lot of things. There are some things that I am confident about however, mostly having to do with being good at what I do.

Who are you talking to right now?

Myself in my head.

Are you "more than friends"?

Can you be more than friends with yourself?

Do you smoke?

No.

Drink?

Yes.

Work out?

Not at the moment. Should I? Absolutely.

How old are you?

36

Can you touch your toes?

Dunno, but I don't feel like getting up to try.

Do you have a best friend?

See above.

Where were you born?

Santa Monica, California.

Favorite place?

Disneyland.

College?

UCLA, BA in Art.  USC, Master of Social Work (MSW)

Biggest fear

Never finding the right person, never having a family of my own, never being happy. .

Best quality?

Listening.

Worst quality?

Anxiety and impatience.

Can you honestly say you're smart?

That's what they told me. I'm pretty sure they were right.

How much do you sleep?

Depends. At least 6 and hopefully 8-10 hours. During the week, I just never get enough..

Ever been out of the country?

Yes.

Heritage?

1/2 Croatian, 1/4 German, 1/8 English, 1/8 Scotch-Irish.

Worst subject?

Math and science.

Do you live in the city or country?

Los Angeles. That would be city.

How many siblings?

1 sister, 1 half-brother that I didn't meet till I was 28.

Best subject?

Psychology, art/photography.

Currently listening : Back to Black By Amy Winehouse Release date: 13 March, 2007

4:14 PM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Venting because I need to (slightly edited)
Current mood: irritated
Category: Life

Someone once told me something along these lines: Just because something is not known, doesn't make it less true or untrue.

You lied to me. Directly, to my face, over and over. You think I don't know, but I do. I may not know all the lies you told, but I know more than you are aware of, more than you give me credit for being able to find out about.

You got to speak your peace. You got to say all the things you wanted to say, all the while denying me the same. You are afraid to face yourself, to face the truth. You fear what I will say because it will force you to look at what you have become. It will force you to face the lies you told, the hurt you inflicted. You fear me. That is the truth. You don't want to see yourself as what you really are. You want to pretend that you are the better person in this, when you know that you are not.

You never deserved to have me in your life. You didn't earn my love and respect. You were careless with my feelings. You aren't good enough for me, though you would have me think the opposite. It's time that you recognize the truth. If you were a decent human being, capable of empathy and understanding, you would recognize that you need to take responsibility for what you did and face me. If you were a man, you would have the courage to face what you have done and allow me the chance to speak. I faced you and told you the truth when I needed to, even though I knew I really didn't want to face the consequences of it. I didn't want to say what needed to be said, but I did it. It's time you did the same.

You need to get help and deal with your shit or you are just going to keep repeating the same pattern. The problem is inside you and you are going to carry it with you wherever you go. At least I had the courage to face mine and do something about it. It's sad that you can't say the same thing.

Currently listening : Girlfriend By Matthew Sweet Release date: 22 October, 1991

11:47 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

I deserve better
Current mood: drained
Category: Friends

So I just feel like talking about this, but I don't want to talk, so my blog seemed like a good place to write it out.

Have you ever had someone you really trusted betray that trust and treat you so horribly that you wonder what kind of person you are that you would allow someone to do that to you?

And then you have a friend, one who tells you how wonderful you are, how special you are and how could anyone ever treat you with anything less than love and respect?

Then you make plans with that person to spend sometime with their family and yours. You make plans 2 weeks in advance, but a couple of days before, they start to say they aren't completely sure, but they will call you tomorrow night. Then tomorrow night comes and goes and now it's Saturday and you were supposed to spend some time together and have lunch and it's late morning and you haven't gotten a call and you call and can't reach the person. Then you reach them and they give you a bunch of attitude about how they have so much to do and why are you upset that they didn't call?

Yes, this happened. No, I didn't even remind the person that they had made plans with me. I think I was just so overwhelmed with the thought, "How are you any different from him?" This is the same kind of disrespectful bullshit he pulled with me all the time. I'm in therapy to deal with this shit and you think I'm going to put up with it from you? Uh..........no. Why the fuck would I want to go down that road with someone else? I've had the shit kicked out of me emotionally for over a year by someone who supposedly loved me, who was supposedly my friend. I don't need "friends" who treat me like that. I have to stop putting everyone else's bullshit, needs and wants ahead of my own. I don't have a child, so no one else comes first. I come first. I'm not going to sit here and try to figure out what I did to deserve that shit. I'm going to sit here and try to figure out how to stop letting people in my life get away with this shit.

So, I think I feel a little better after venting that. Guess I'm just a work in progress. Till next time....

Currently reading : Not on Our Watch: The Mission to End Genocide in Darfur and Beyond By Don Cheadle Release date: 01 May, 2007

1:14 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

This past weekend
Current mood: content
Category: Life

Last weekend didn't start out so well. Problems with communication at home, still dealing with all kinds of feelings in the aftermath of losing 2 people who were very important to me and just general anxiety. I felt like I had forgotten how to be happy. That was earlier on Friday, but by very early Saturday morning I began to remember those feelings. (Um, yeah Shaina, this is where the mushy part about you guys starts.) 

I got to spend the later evening Friday and most of Saturday and Sunday with a family that makes me feel wanted. I smiled a lot. Actually, I'm still smiling. A lot of that sadness and anxiety from last week has faded away and I feel more happy and content than I have in a long time.

I let myself get stuck on something that only brought me pain, on someone who never gave a damn about me, my wants or my needs. Someone who lied to my face everyday for months (and yes, I have found out a lot about those lies in the past few weeks. It's astonishing how much information you can find if you just open your eyes and look. I guess all the veiled threats and scare tactics finally inspired me to look for the truth. I was furious initially, but I have a different, calmer perspective now) and still managed to make me feel guilty for my mistakes without ever taking responsibility for his or admitting to his lies. And in the process of discovering the truth, I've been able to step away from some of the negativity and find some peace. Being with people who actually care about me and want me around has helped me get to a much better place. I'm so lucky to know them and to have them in my life.

I guess this is sort of a thank you to them for taking care of me this weekend and letting me share their time together. Happiness and contentment were starting to feel like foreign concepts to me and now I have been reminded that I can still have them in my life.

Ok, enough with the mushy stuff. It's time for me to head off. And as to the music, I'm specifically listening to the track "Thought I Knew You". Fits recent events perfectly. Till next time.....

Currently listening : Girlfriend By Matthew Sweet Release date: 22 October, 1991

8:20 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment