POLITICS, PATERNALISM AND POPPYCOCK
Current mood: bummed
Category: Too long a sacrifice makes a stone of the heart. News and Politics

For those of you who don't get time to read a newspaper or listen to the news, here's a wee snapshot of what's been going on in the UK recently. All of this is true; I haven't made up or embroidered any of it. And I tried to keep my comments down to a minimum, but it was awful hard.

MiniLuv No. 1.

According to a statement issued by former English Lord Chief Justice Lord Harry Woolf , British prisons are 'full of the wrong sort of people'. Of course they are. If we sent the right sort of people to jail, we'd be in a bigger mess than the one we're already in.

27^th March 2008

MiniPax.

The Government has announced an increase in compensation payments for soldiers injured in the line of duty. The upper limit of compensation for a soldier who is shot, or gets a big fright or something, whilst doing his job is now £500,000.00. Sterling. This brings MiniPax into line with MiniPlenty, which already compensates farmers for not growing crops.

17^th July 2008

MiniLuv No. 2.

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has given police wider powers to crack down on anti-social individuals.  In a pilot scheme conducted in Essex, people deemed to be anti-social were "subjected to repeated visits, checks and warnings" by the police. This was felt to be successful and plans are underway to implement the policy across the UK. Government agencies will now share details with the police so "they (anti-social individuals) can be targeted for extra checks on whether they have paid road tax, car insurance, TV licence, Council Tax, etc." Is it just me, or can anyone else hear the crunch of jackboot on broken glass?

8^th May 2008

MiniPlenty.

On 10^th June 2008, Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced that he wanted to have child poverty by 2010. Not that I voted for him or anything, but if I had, I don't think I'd be very pleased. Setting out to create child poverty doesn't seem like a very good policy to me.*

MiniTrue No. 1.

Scottish Commissioner for Children and Young People, Kathleen Marshall, commented as follows on a report to the effect that severely physically disabled youngsters are being discriminated against because they are not allowed to take part in the school sports day;

"This scandalous situation cannot be allowed to continue and must be addressed without delay".

Presumably the three legged race has been abolished already on the basis that it's limb-ist, but does anyone else see an egg/spoon/wheelchair type disaster looming on the horizon?

28^th February 2008

MiniTrue No. 2.

The Scottish Parliament is considering a proposal to have 'problem children' and their foster carers live in specially created 'villages', with other problem children and their carers. (Obviously this use of the expression 'problem children' slipped through the NewSpeak/pc net; they are, of course, 'children with special needs' or 'young people with issues'.) Presumably the theory is that such children will benefit from being further isolated from the norm and completely alienated from mainstream society.

So there you have it. Is everybody happy?

Syd.

*Actually, I've just listen to the broadcast again on the internet, and he might have said "halve child poverty". Which puts an entirely different blush on things.

Currently listening : King Biscuit Time By Sonny Boy Williamson II Release date: 1993-11-30

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Puzzling Things Number 9... Number 9... Number 9...
Current mood: impervious
Category: Carroway, carroway, carroway, noise, boing! Religion and Philosophy

I haven't had a lot of time for pondering lately, what with following the deer trails, gigging in banjo country, relaxing heavily on an Amsterdam balcony and spending three days in a dark room recovering from the brilliance of Buddy Guy's live performance. However, here are a few wee conundrums that have flitted across my already heavily overburdened brain.

Food, Strange Growths, and Incipient Senility

Does food become more important as you get older, perhaps for some biological reason? I certainly spend an awful lot more time thinking about it than I did when I was younger.  And why can I remember every detail of a Siouxsie and the Banshees gig in 1979 (Robert Smith on guitar, folks, oh yes) and yet it seems to be beyond my capabilities to remember something important that I was told yesterday? Also, why has my face suddenly decided to extrude hair at an alarming rate? I've got eyebrows with a life of their own, it's chaos in the nostril area, and I've got a single hair growing out of the middle of my forehead. My forehead, fer feck's sake. What the hell is going on?

Popular Music.

Right, it's about time somebody said this. What do Orange Juice, The Associates and The Skids have in common? Why Mr Fox, I hear you say, they're all enormously influential post-punk Scottish bands, whose contribution to popular music is greatly underestimated. Might I venture an alternative answer? They were all utter crap. Orange Juice, the self-absorbed warbling of a child of privilege, The Associates, an appalling caterwauling imitation of Bowie at his worst*, and The Skids, well, you could achieve the same effect simply by drinking 4 litres of Diamond White Cider and singing along unintelligibly to a bagpipes LP. Pish, the lot of it. It's as if someone flipped a switch in the early 90s; one day, we were all vaguely embarrassed about having enjoyed those bands in the late 70s and early 80s, and keeping quiet about it, the next day they were seminal cult bands of huge importance. What happened there? I, for one, don't know. I do know that I'm having none of it. And don't get me started on that Jesus and Mary Chain. Listen, you were rotten then and you're rotten now. So stop it, ok? Just stop it.

*Apart from Tin Machine, obviously.

Limb Amputation

The charity Diabetes UK announced recently that 10 Scots a week have a limb amputated due to diabetes. Do they? Do they really? By my rough calculations, if Diabetes UK's statistics are correct, one in a thousand Scots has 3 limbs or less, and that's just because of diabetes. I wonder where they all are? The last time I met an amputee was in 1993, and he'd lost his leg to an alligator.

Video Piracy

The 'Entertainment Industry' would have us believe that video/DVD piracy, copyright fraud, call it what you will, is being used to fund people trafficking. The theory is that illegal immigrants are being brought in specifically in order to sell dodgy copies of "Iron Man" on street corners. Wouldn't illegal immigrants be more likely to go for a lower profile job, say, for example, just off the top of my head, working in the kitchen of an ethnic restaurant? Anyway, what's the problem with people trafficking? The trafficked people pay their money to be trafficked, and it's just the fact that they end up in unsuitable jobs when they arrive that seems to complicate matters. Maybe they should join a union? Hmmm.

Facial Hair Revisited

Why do so many overweight men have beards? Do they think that sporting a half inch of dirty looking stubble on their chins will make normal sized people overlook the fact that they're the size of a couch?

The Jazz

If you type the word 'jazz' into a mobile phone using predictive text, the first option it gives you is 'lazy'. Hmmm.

.Elastoplasts

Is 'elastoplast' a generic term now, like hoover? Or should I be saying "sticking plasters"? Anyway, why are they so hard to open? I mean, you only need the buggers in an emergency (there's usually blood everywhere by the time I even start looking for an Elastoplast), so why is it so hard to get them out of the packaging? Is this related to incipient senility?

Junior Showtime

Does anyone remember Junior Showtime? Bonnie Langford, Lisa Zavaroni, Glynn Poole, all that lot? And does anyone know where I can get a time machine and a gun?

Syd.

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FOX’S MISCELLANY
Current mood: bored
Category: And so to bed. Life

Here's some stuff that may or may not be of interest.

·         Contrary to popular opinion, bumble bees can, in fact, fly. Just look at them.

·         The inhabitants of the Greek island of Lesbos call themselves 'Lesbians'. Some of them have sued to obtain an injunction against "the homosexual and gay community" (does anyone know the difference?) to prevent them from using the word 'lesbian' incorrectly. So distressed are they at the thought of being associated with female homosexualists that they now refer to their island by the name of the capital, Myteline. Yeah, slips off the tongue, doesn't it? (No pun intended.)

·         Most toilets flush in E Flat.

·         The last words of Chicago guitarist Terry Kath were, "Don't worry, it's not loaded."

·         It has emerged in the course of the current US presidential election campaigns that 60% of Americans do not believe in evolution. Whether or not that means that they believe in Creationism, it's still deeply worrying. After all, they've got guns.

·         "Mr Mojo Risin" is an anagram of "Jim Morrison".

·         "Canada" is an Indian word (am I allowed to say 'Indian'?) meaning "big village". And as far as villages go, it's certainly a biggie.

·         There are more mobile phones in the UK than there are people. Now, even allowing for the fact that some people have two mobiles, perhaps one for work and one for personal use, there's still a significant proportion of the population without mobiles; young children, elderly people, folk who think they'll get cancer of the earlobe because they phone their mum occasionally, deaf people and technophobes, for example. Since most people who own a mobile phone only have one, it follows that some people must have 3 or more mobiles.

·         Goldfish have a memory span of at least 3 weeks. And they have teeth.

·         The word "negligee" was an adjective before it became a noun.

·         Most of the world's tigers live in the USA. (This might make one think again about the whole endangered species malarkey.)

·         The word "Lego" comes from two Danish words meaning "play well", and not, as is commonly supposed, from the literal Latin translation.

·         According to the 2007 British Crime Survey, one in twenty women in the UK has been raped. There's no need to worry however; this is not true.

·         "Jiffy" is early computer language for a sixtieth of a second.

·         And finally: in Yoga news, ahead of tomorrow's Transcendence Day fixture, a spokesman for the Bikram Young Team today issued a statement calling for Hatha practitioners to "Come and have a go if you think you're serene enough." Ron 'Third Eye' Bohdisatva, leader-off of the Hatha Inter City Firm, responded by saying "Well, this is typical of those Bikram hotheads, who give yoga a bad name. We're calm, supple, and looking forward to teaching them a few new asans." Strathclyde Police called for calm ahead of tomorrow's big glandular systems showdown, and advised people to "Just say Om."

Er, that's it for now.

Currently listening : Watermelon Slim and the Workers By Watermelon Slim & the Workers Release date: 2006-02-14

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Puzzling Things 8: Behind That Black Ball Again, Naturally.
Current mood: breezy
Category: I am unable to assist you in that matter. Dreams and the Supernatural

I was relaxing the other night, as you do, in my "Oh feck, I’m single again" T-shirt (1), with a cup of tea, a Dr Who and The Daleks Easter Egg, and a good chunky Follett, when I was overcome with an excess of ponderage. So here are the results.

(1)     Not that I am, we were just having a boy’s night in.

Diddy Language

You know those people who say things like "blue is the new black" and "cooking is the new rock ’n’ roll"; the kind of people who have "lifestyles" and who have beef casserole rather then stew? Well, I was wondering, does everyone want to slap their silly faces, or is it just me?

Endangered Species

This one is courtesy of my young son, composer of the soon-to-be international best-selling ditty, "Kick the Fish" (2)

Why don’t we just clone endangered species? Problem solved all round, I think; the animal saviour people would be happy, and could all get jobs looking after Siberian tigers instead of mutilating corpses, and the scientists would be in hog heaven because they’d have loads of exciting DNA to play with instead of messing about with sheep, which, let’s face it, must be pretty dull for them. Also, the sooner they get cracking on the elephants, the sooner we can all have ivory again.

(2)Assuming that he gets a deal with a major record label and everybody buys the song when it’s released.

Oral Hygiene

Does chewing gum sharpen up your concentration, as famously claimed? What’s the evidence for this? I’ve got jaw muscles like a pitbull from eating the stuff and I’m always forgetting my shoes. I asked my dentist about this and she just laughed at me in a nasty way and charged me £40.

Popular Music

Are all songs with handclaps good? I can’t think of a single one that hasn’t been improved by handclaps. I even think The Who’s "Squeeze Box" is good because hearing it makes me remember Keith Moon in the video, having a laugh doing the handclaps during the recording. And where does that leave us with fingerpops? Are they in the same league?

Also, why are Led Zeppelin rightly regarded as Gods, while Deep Purple are regarded as a mildly embarrassing dinosaur for whom one feels a lingering, if carefully hidden, affection? When did that happen? (While we’re on the subject of Percy’s backing band, I’d like to thank John Bonham for having the decency and sense of appropriateness necessary to die like a true Rock God. If only there was more of this type of behaviour amongst today’s musicians, the world would be a better place. What a way to go.)

And finally on the subject of music; why is it that not everyone can hear the component parts of a piece of music? By which I mean that some people, it was pointed out to me recently, can’t listen to a song and immediately identify the bass guitar line, or the horns, or the cymbals, etc etc. I’m genuinely baffled as to why that should be the case.

Dogs: A Puzzling Thing Solved!

Regular readers (hi! and hi! to you) will recall that I recently proposed to solve the problem of pet dogs by the simple expedient of having them all put down. Many dog owners who didn’t have the courage to post a comment have said that they’d rather die than allow their pet dog be put down. Well, this is clearly a most excellent and public-spirited attitude! Two birds with one stone. Form an orderly queue, please.

Primal Urges

Were men attracted by the top of the female thigh before the invention of the stocking? And if so, did that attraction lead to the invention of the stocking? I think we should be told.

Expressive Dance

Why do Expressive Dance teachers think they’re trees? They’re not trees. They’re not. Are they?

This is as good a place as any to say how pleased I am to have a country-wide study confirm what all right-thinking people already knew to be the case, namely that Glasgow, The Capital of God’s Country, has the best community spirit in the UK. And if you say it hasn’t you might get chibbed. For the sake of balance, I can reveal that London was bottom of every assessment tool used, Kensington being the absolute nadir. And in closing, here’s a handy hint for the single man: if you’ve got a bit of fish in your bed, that’s bad. (3)

(2)     Excerpted from the forthcoming bestseller, "Syd Fox’s Household Hints for Single Men."

COMING SOON: Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics; Politically Correct Language and the Case For the Re-introduction of Public Flogging; Foster Carers and The Gulag.

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Health Fascism and The Case for Capital Punishment
Current mood: breezy
Category: "Munter Removal Services": great name so Dreams and the Supernatural

My cholesterol’s too high, apparently. Here’s the advice:

THE BULK OF MOST MEALS (the Diet Sheet has it in capitals so I know it’s important and will get help if I don’t know what "bulk" means) should be cereals, wholegrain bread, potatoes, rice, pasta PLUS vegetables;

NOT MUCH (clearly a scientific term, damned if I know what it means) fatty meats, cheeses, full-cream milk, fried food, and butter;

INCLUDE 2-3 portions of fish a week;

And, get this pish,

AT LEAST 5 portions, and ideally 7 to 9 portions, of fruit and vegetables a day.

It used to be an apple a day was good for you, back when you could go to work on an egg, drinka pinta milka day and Buy British Beef. Then, not so long ago, it became 3 portions a day; now, it seems, it’s 7 to 9. What do they think I am, an orang-utan? With that much fruit in me I’d be shimmying up trees in jig time.

Isn’t it time someone said it? What a load of keech this all is. Five minutes ago, the Government, medicos, scientists, educationalists et al were saying we should live on eggs, red meat and milk; now we’ve to live off blackberries and twigs? I think not. Why should I trust them? Why should anyone trust them? It’s obvious that they either lied to us or got it hopelessly wrong before. As we say in God’s Country, hingin’s too good for them. "7-9 A Day", indeed. Our ancestors mainly lived on nuts and berries and they had to produce 15 kids purely on the basis that 80% of them wouldn’t make it through infancy and they needed some survivors to go and gather the nuts and berries when they were old and dying, at the age of 34, having lived a full hunter-gatherer’s life. Much good 7-9 A Day did them.

And while we’re on subject of healthy eating, I am the only one to be annoyed by the patronising advertising? "60% Less Fat."  60% less fat than what? A pound of lard? You’re not fooling anybody, you know. Pass the sausages.

Currently listening : Collected By Carmel Release date: 24 January, 2000

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Puzzling Things VII: (I’m always touched) by your Presence, Percy
Current mood: chill
Category: A man’s job is to make sure everybody’s all right. School, College, Greek

Here we go again, then, mumble mumble, cogitating, mumble mumble, perplexed, etc...

Cheese

Which is the most recalcitrant of all the cheeses? My money was on Red Leicester, but then I was reminded of Campbeltown extra mature cheddar having one of its moments, and the situation didn't seem nearly so clear-cut. Isle of Man Back Peppercorn Mature cheddar's worth the watching, of course, and needs careful handling, but it probably gets away with it because of its endearing impudence. I know, I know, some of you are thinking that Cornish Cruncher Extra Mature falls apart rather than co-operate, and therefore must be a strong candidate, but then, falling apart is in its nature, isn't it? And then there's Swaledale Old Peculiar, normally a somnolent cheese, but a right little monster when the subject of toast comes up. I confess, I just can't decide.

MySpace's Technical Group

Can you imagine the conversation at MySpace's Technical Group headquarters? It must be more or less the same thing every day. "Look! Another unexpected error has occurred and been forwarded to us! That's the 34,875^th today! And it's only 9.20 am!" Those techies must have nerves of steel. How do their hearts stand it?

Pillows and Teaspoons: An Update

Although I'm no closer to finding out the legal definition of "pillow", I recently bought two new pillows, to replace the unsatisfactory bastardo-mart disappointments which regular (hi! and hi! to you) readers know have caused me so much unhappiness.  Spank my buttocks and call me Abigail, what a revelation the Slumberdown Sleep Therapy range turned out to be! Firm without being aggressive, fluffy without being homosexualist, supportive yet respectful of your privacy, the steel hand in the velvet glove of the world of bed linen, truly these are princes amongst pillows. They're also versatile, being suitable for both Oxford and Housewife pillowcases. After my first restful night's sleep, I rushed out and bought two more. If pile the four of them up I can lick the ceiling without raising my head. Not that I have, yet, but it's bound to happen. And the tariff for these proud, splendid beasts? A mere £7.00 for two from the local cheap-o-mart. Outstanding value, so top marks to all involved. I'd like to tell you which shop I got them in, but I don't want to be accused of promoting unfair competition or seeking to elicit gifts by naming specific companies (Toblerone). So I don't think I should say anything which would tend to imply that I favour one your more store over another.

As for teaspoons, I'm no further forward, sorry. It's still a mystery. Although I think I've found out what those really tiny ones are for.

The English Language

Why is it that the word for hatred of women is well known and, indeed, in common usage, whereas the word for hatred of men is not only rarely heard but also, apparently, not even commonly known? Hmmm.

Vietnam Veterans

Are all Vietnam veterans mentalists? Psychiatric illness of one kind or another certainly seems to be very popular amongst them. And now we've got Gulf War Number One*  soldiers suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to the extent that one wonders what they expected from a war zone if not explosions and people trying to kill them. Now, I'm not saying it was right and I'm certainly not drawing any parallels between the two situations, but in WWI they just shot the cry-babies out of hand, no questions asked. Obviously mistakes must have been made, but on the other hand they must have got a fair number of genuine slackers, whingers and cowards. I can't help wondering what the saving for the taxpayer would be if the battlefield firing squad were to be reintroduced.

Popular Music

I had a mild dose of the jazz recently, probably brought on by excessive exposure to Mongo Santamaria and "Routemaster Ride" by The Bongolian. Fortunately, it was only the Radio Three strain, and I was able to treat it quite easily with a course of Led Zeppelin and short burst of Jimi. (Of course, then my  testosterone levels went through the roof, and I had to treat that with a soupcon of Feist and Embrace; fortunately, that worked fine, apart from a nagging desire to buy a pair of leather trousers.) Still, it's worrying. When you get to my age, you're more susceptible to catching the jazz, and the modern variety can become quite serious if left untreated. I, like all right-thinking people, don't like modern jazz because when I listen to a piece of music, I like to know at least roughly what's going to happen next. I like music to have some semblance of order, as opposed to sounding as if a fully loaded Variety coach has crashed into an orchestra pit. (You know what I mean, you get the feeling that everyone's having a great time in there, but you can't make any sense of what's going on.) In extreme cases the modern jazz can lead to alienation from lifelong friends -we all try to be liberal and open-minded, but would you let your daughter marry one of them?- the wearing of turtleneck sweaters in summer and sunglasses indoors, and the talking of complete pish. Anyway, this is the puzzling bit; try as I might, I can't figure out why men of a certain age (it seems to be transmitted down the male line, yet another example of nature favouring women) are particularly prone to being afflicted by the jazz. Logically, if you've been about a bit longer, you've probably been exposed to a bit more music than a younger person, and you've almost certainly heard a more diverse range of music. From that one would presume that the more mature gentleman's resistance to the jazz would be higher, but it seems that the opposite is the case. Now why should that be?  There's a wee Ph.D.in this for someone, I think.

The Battle of the Sexes

Given the recent prurient interest shown elsewhere in this blog, I'd like let those of you who are interested know that I'm thoroughly enjoying the battle of the sexes. It's top hole entertainment, that's for sure. I particularly enjoy the skirmishes. Of course, the outcome's a foregone conclusion. **

And so, with a quizzical air, I remain,

Syd.

*In a continuing series.

**If any further explanation is needed, please refer to my blog dated 21^st November 2006.

Coming soon: The World's Gone Mad, Again (again); The Rock Pantheon; Health Fascism, Political Correctness, and The Case for Capital Punishment.

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