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Thursday, July 03, 2008
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feeling a little down
It's been two months today since Danielle passed. I didn't realize that until just a few minutes ago. For the most part I have picked myself up and started living my life again. However, this week has been a hard one. Everything reminds me of her and the good times we shared. I am no longer upset or mad at myself for not being there.
Danielle and I met at Waffle House, 10 years ago. I still work for Waffle House. Not the same one, but they are all the same. So little things have constantly been reminders of her. I don't know how to explain it.
All day long today I have been having mild anxiety attacks. I am wondering if it has to do with the date. I feel like I am suffacating. I haven't wanted to be around anyone all week. I have tried to lock everyone out of my little world. I haven't been answering the phone. I just didn't know why. Now that I do know, maybe I will be able to breathe a little easier.
1:34 PM
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Saturday, May 03, 2008
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My final good bye
Current mood:  lethargic
Category: Life
Last week I got a phone call that my best friend was dying. She was so much more that my best friend. We were soul sisters. About a year in a half ago we had a falling out. She was an alcholic. In the total grips of her alcholism. She had liver failure then, I was devastated. It was right after I had lost my brother to the same thing just a few months before.
That same year I lost my brother, my grandmother, an aunt, and my step brother in a 4 month time period. I ended up having to be hospitalized for a week. And a month after all of that happend, she had had liver failure as well. She however was released from the hospital to be told if she ever had another drop she would die.
Not long after that she called me drunk. I told her to call me back when she was sober. A couple of days later she called me drunk again. The next day the same. I had to finally tell her I could not watch her kill herself. I was not strong enough. I myself had just been released from the hospital. I could not watch her go through this. I told her I will always love her. But I could not go down this road with her. When she was ready to get her shit together to call me.
The call where she got her shit together never came. Instead a week ago I got the phone call that she was dying and had been sent home with hospice. Since the last time I had talked to her she had moved back up to Detroit to be with her family.
When she was still coherent enough to speak, she asked for me. She wanted me here. It took me a few days but I manage to fly up to Detroit. I have never seen anyone in such bad shape. I told her repeatedly how sorry I was for not being here for her. I kept reasurring her how much I loved her. I held her in my arms, always holding her hand. Always telling her I loved her.
This morning, I held her hand as she took her final breath. I have no idea how I am supposed to get through this. I don't think I am equiped for it.
I know it has been over a year since I blogged, but I need a release.
7:50 AM
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Sunday, April 08, 2007
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She lives
I know that I haven't blogged in like 100 years or so, but I figured I would blog about my Easter.
We had a family dinner out at my mother and father in laws house in New Caney. I don't go out there much because my mother in law is a cat person, and has many inside cats. (my mother in law the kitty farmer,lol) It's not that I hate cats. I just have a server allergy to cats. One cat can make me ill and she has I don't know I think we counted 8 inside cats today.
Anyway, I took an allergy pill and just stayed outside most of the day on the porch. No one smokes in the house so most people stay out on the porch anyway. So I just had an itchy throat, itchy ears and it wasn't too bad.
I did despite the cats truly enjoy getting to spend time with family and friends. Especially my step daughter who is getting so big. I love her dearly.
Omg I didn't realize how much I have missed Jen and Becka lou. And I just about cried when I saw Brandy. She is almost all grown up.
I forgot my camera, but my mother in law had the kids hide all the eggs again after their Easter egg hunt and the adults had to hunt for eggs too. You should have seen us out there. 10 adults searching for eggs for the prize in the big purple egg that Norene was holding hostage.
I had a blast.
Anyway, just wanted to write about it. I have been back to checking emails and commenting some lately. I have been blog stalking several people. I have deleted most of my subscriptions because I never have time to sit down for more than a few minutes to read. But I sneek around when I do get time.
Justice, I have missed you dearly honey. You will be fine. You are continuesly in my prayers.
Mimi, I will be buying your book in a couple of weeks.
Sue, I love you baby girl. I have a lot going on right now. But in the next few weeks I should be able to get to come home for the weekend.
Leah, Happy Anniversary.
April, I haven't forgotten about you.
Kimmi, I haven't forgotten about you either.
Virgil, my baby brother, you have the most beautiful children. Thank you for finally posting more pics. I will be there soon to hold my new nieces.
For those of you who don't know my brother's wife just gave birth to twin girls March 19th. Go look at my pictures.
7:42 PM
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Saturday, January 20, 2007
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Do you believe in miracles?
Current mood:  ecstatic
Category: Life
15 years ago my best friend, Brandy, was 7 months pregnant. She had just left the hospital for her sonagram. As she left she had the pictures on the seat next to her. She had just found out the sex of her baby. Then in one tragic instant a car ran a red light. All of her hopes and dreams were washed away in that instant. She lost her baby in that accident, because someone wasn't paying attention. That was 15 years ago. She was told she would probably never have kids again. Her chances were slim to none. All she has ever wanted was to be a mommy. To raise and mold a baby into a child and that child into a young adult. It has never crossed anyone's mind that she wouldn't be a good mother. In fact everyone has always thought how unfair it was that she wouldn't ever get that chance. She is wonderful with children.
I have many times cried with her over the years. This time of year is especially hard on her, as her due date 15 years ago was January 15. Never has a year gone by that she hasn't suffered through this time. I am always there for her no matter what we are doing in our lives this time of year. I don't care if we were fighting and hadn't talked in a month or so, this is when I am there to hold her hand and give her a shoulder to cry on. Cry with her. Because her pain was so deep that I felt it.
For years I have prayed that one day God would give her a child. As she has. But she had resigned herself to the fact that she would never have kids.
I love Brandy more than any of you could ever know. So when I ask you to pray for her, it would be the same as asking you to pray for me. We are connected. We are kindered sprits. We may not be related by blood, however we are soul sisters.
Now in what I am asking for you to pray, is not for her to concieve. I am asking for you to pray protection over her and the baby she is NOW carrying. SHE IS PREGNANT!!!!!!!! It is a miracle. All things come in God's time. So if any of you are praying people I ask you please keep Brandy and her unborn child in your prayers.
Brandy, I love you honey. I am now and always will be here for you.
6:39 PM
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Saturday, January 06, 2007
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Good grief how did I get this old?
Current mood:  exhausted
I am having a serious issue here people. I need some love on this one.
One week from today. Next Sunday. January 14th.
I will be the parent of a teenager.
My oldest will be turning 13.
Do you people realize that means I have, 5 years. Count them 5 years, to raise a mouthy, knows everything, child into adulthood. I only have 5 years left of ruining his life. Taking the fun out of everything. Only 5 years left to be as he calls it "OP" (over protective)
Omg where has the time flown to?
10:04 PM
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Friday, January 05, 2007
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Some one has fallen and bumped their damned head.
Current mood:  infuriated
I am so pissed off right now I could scream. Oh wait I have been screaming. My husband just got off the phone with the insurance company, because I STILL have not had an insurance adjuster come out and look at my car. I have been without a car since December 11, 2006. Monday will be 4 weeks. That is 4 weeks of me buming rides and paying people to take me where I need to go. That is 4 weeks of me making a car payment on a car I can NOT even drive. It is not possible for Ken and I to share a car, as he works 50 miles from home. One way. It is not like I can drive him to work 50 miles, drive home 50 miles. Go to work, drive out to pick him up after work another 50 miles and home another 50 miles. That would be 200 fucking miles aday. Are they out their fucking minds? Then Ken asks them to make sure about the inconvience fee of $30 a day since they don't offer car rental, and the stupid cunt says no. It is $25 a day while it is in the shop getting repaired. I was LIVID. Completely beside myself. I made Ken hand me the phone, to varify what she just said. I asked her if she was sure she wanted to do it that way. Because I will get a lawyer if that was the case. She said fine. that would probably be better anyway. So I called an attorney. Waiting on a phone call back. I will keep you all posted and updated on the upcoming events. I think I have a sudden ach in my neck. lol
1:54 PM
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Sunday, December 24, 2006
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I have a tree and update on insurance settlement
I am getting ready to leave for work. I have a long 12 hour night a head of me. Wish me lots of great Christmas tips. I left a Christmas tree on my profile. Stop by and leave me a present.
Still haven't gotten a settlement on my car from the insurance settlement yet. But the longer it takes the more they will have to pay me. I am gettting 30 a day for the inconvience of not having a car. I don't have a rental. I have been bumming rides, using my husbands car when he isn't at work and borrowing my best friend's van. I am up to $420 of inconvience so far. By the time the damn insurance settles with me, my inconvience will be worth more than my car. So whatever floats their boats. You would think that they would want to hurry up and settle with me.
3:16 PM
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Wednesday, December 06, 2006
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MOMMIES
"Why God made moms" answers given by elementary school age children to
the following questions:
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Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
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How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.
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What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in
the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.
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Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
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What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
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What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk
on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores?
Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
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Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the
bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
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What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at
work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
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What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
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What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid
of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did
it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
==============================
THE MOMMY TEST
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the
item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been,
it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and
asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," ...I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on
the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was
evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you
have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy
in my heart.
When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom.
=====================
"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous
look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient
little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and
asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT
is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point...
11:24 PM
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6 Comments - 12 Kudos
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tooo funny not to share. DON'T OPEN IN FRONT OF KIDDIES
IF YOU CAN'T READ IT. IT IS A PICTURE OF AN 8" RULER. IT SAYS YOU MUST BE AT LEAST THIS TALL TO ENJOY THIS RIDE.
10:12 PM
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14 Comments - 26 Kudos
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Thursday, December 07, 2006
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how dependent we are on our computers
This illustrates how much we've become dependent on our computers.
Are you male or female?
For the answer, look down!!!
8:44 AM
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8 Comments - 16 Kudos
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The Night Jesus Came
I copied this from an email that I opend today. I thought that it was very touching.
The Night Jesus Came
'Twas the night Jesus came
And all through the house,
Not a person was praying,
Not one in the house ..
The Bible was left
On the shelf without care,
For no one thought
Jesus would come there..
The children were dressing
To crawl into bed,
Not once ever kneeling
Or bowing their head ..
And Mom in the rocking chair
With babe on her lap,
Was watching the Late Show
As I took a nap..
When out of the east
There rose such a clatter,
I sprang to my feet
To see what was the matter..
Away to the window
I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters
And lifted the sash..
When what to my wondering
Eyes should appear,
But Angels proclaiming
That Jesus was here..
The light of His face
Made me cover my head...
Was Jesus returning
Just like He'd said..
And though I possessed
Worldly wisdom and wealth,
I cried when I saw Him
In spite of myself..
In the Book of Life
Which he held in his hand,
Was written the name
Of every saved man..
He spoke not a word
As he searched for my name,
When He said "it's not here"
My head hung in shame..
The people whose names
Had been written with love,
He gathered to take
To his Father above..
With those who were ready
He rose without sound,
While all of the others
Were left standing around...
I fell to my knees
But it was too late,
I'd waited too long
And thus sealed my fate .
I stood and I cried
As they rose out of sight,
Oh, if only I'd known
That this was the night....
In the words of this poem
The meaning is clear
The coming of Jesus
Is now drawing near...
There's only one life
And when comes the last call,
We'll find out that the Bible
Was true after all...
B Basic
I Instruction
B Before
L Leaving
E Earth
8:40 AM
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Tuesday, December 05, 2006
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playing games
PEEK
A
BOO!!!!
1:04 PM
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Thursday, November 16, 2006
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A repost from someone important to me
I Got Flowers Today!
We had our first argument last night, and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said, because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today. It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare, I couldn't believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry cause he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today, and it wasn't mother's day or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again, it was much worse than all the other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I'm afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral! Last night, he finally killed me. He beat me to death. If only I had gathered enough courage to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers today....
If you are against domestic abuse, please pass this along to everyone, NOT just women.
I am a survivor of domestic abuse myself. I was one of the lucky ones and got out. If you are in an abusive relationship get out now. Go to a shelter. You will be able to take care of yourself and your children. You are somebody. Do not believe the lies. Do Not believe that you can't make it with out him. Do not believe that you are unloveable. Do not believe that you will never be able to support your self. There are ways to get the help you need. You have to seek help. It will not find you. For those of you women who are just waiting for the right time. The next time could be your last. Leave now.
9:13 PM
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Tuesday, October 31, 2006
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MIA
Current mood:  lazy
Category: Life
As many of you know I have been MIA for about a week. Just wanted you all to know that I am fine. Just haven't really felt like being on the computer much lately.
I have for months been staying at home all the time. Here lately I have been trying to get out a little more. Trying to live life. While I was going through all of the medication changes I stayed at home all the time. I locked myself away from the world. I didn't want people to see me the way I was. I had severe social anxiety.
Now that my meds are working, and working well I might add, I have decieded to join the world again. I feel really well. Most of you were here for my ups and downs, mostly downs of the finding of the right medication. I really apperciate all of you who have stood by me. Helped and supported me. It was very rough there for awhile.
Work was really rough this weekend. The girl who I work with is a complete dumb ass. And can not carry her own weight. She is one of those woo is me, my life is so aweful, someone look at me and feel sorry for me people. All I can think of when she is whinning is, get a real problem and come see me. With all that I have ever gone through I have never felt sorry for myself or wanted anyone else to.
When I wrote about my experiences of the past year or anything else that has ever happend to me, it was never to get sympathy. It was something my doctor suggested that I do. Getting it all out has been very theraputic for me.I have had some closer.
I think that I have lost my husband to myspace. He has turned out to be a wonderful writer. If you haven't already you should check out his series on the Vampires Lament. He has 10 chapters out now. To find him go to my profile and my first friend is Kenneth. AKA, my mister wondeerful. lol
I have been contemplating taking my son out of public school. He stays in trouble and it is taking a toll on his education. The other day he got a conduct report for untucking his shirt on the way to the bus. How frigging ridiculous can it really get? You explain to me how that is interferring with his education?
I am very behind on my blogs. But I assure you I will be back to reading and commenting soon. My husband had to ask me 3 times if I would please read his blogs, So don't think it is just you.
Happy Halloween to all. Hope you all have a great day
4:36 AM
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Sunday, October 22, 2006
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Just a random blog. Nothing more Nothing less
Current mood:  tired
Category: Blogging
Nothing but a sea of red on my blog page. I worked all weekend so I haven't really been on. I will get to you when I can. If there is something of importance you need me to see, feel free to let me know or link it in here.
I had a great night at work Friday night. Saturday seemed like the night that would never end though. My back was killing me. I did make really good money this weekend. $197 in tips for 2 days. Not bad for a disabled fat girl. lol
I only posted 3 blogs last week. I am really slipping. I don't know. Maybe I just didn't have anything I thought was of any importance to say. hmm.
I hope you all have been reading the series my husband, Kenneth, has been putting out. It is quite awesome.
I woke up this evening to find it cold outside. It was like 50, I live in the Houston area,. That is cold for me.
Ken is gonna have a long week this week. He is scheduled something like 100 hours between both jobs.
I drank 3 cups of Starbucks coffee yesterday. I was so tired it didn't even effect me.
I found out this week I have free unlimited calling to Canada with my phone company. So now I can talk to my girl April all the time. She is a riot.
I spent $400 in Wal-Mart this week. And still haven't bought groceries.
I need to clean my bed room..
I need to shampoo my carpets.
I have over due library books. I really need to take them back.
The blinkers on my car don't work.
I need some organizational skills.
I'm reading a really good book by Mary Higgins Clark called No Place Like Home.
I want to quit smoking.
I want to go to Starbucks with Leah tomorrow. Maybe I should call her and see what she is doing.
Why are all the lights in my house always on?
I haven't checked my email in over a week.
I wish my husband was off of work already.
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Currently
reading
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No Place Like Home: A Novel
By
Mary Higgins Clark
Release date: 05 April, 2005
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8:39 PM
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