Blogging
Current mood: disgruntled

So, i was sittin here, writing my lil ol heart out.....

had some good stuff goin too....real profound n stuff...

and the damned friggin MYSPACE had an "unexpected" error....

35 minutes of typin and it's friggin GONE! No autosave for moments like that...SUCK SUCK SUCK..someone needs to tell Tom dammit! I had a GOOD one goin! LOL

damned blogging!!!

well shucks....if I feel like doin it all...over..again.....you'll know!

love to all, ya rock,  thanks for rockin!

1:06 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

How time changes all......
Current mood: blessed
Category: Life

So, I’ve been sittin here for a while now, tryin to figure out how to start this.

I’m leaving. I guess that’s about the best way to start! Yep, it’s true, if you haven’t noticed, it’s been a while since I have worked a full renaissance festival. Matter of fact, this coming season at the Tennessee Renaissance Festival, will officially my LAST one.

I’m not mad at anyone, however there is change in our community I dont comprehend anymore. I.E. the lack of policing ourselves with theives, the fuckin meth dealers (you KNOW who you are, shame on you for feeding off of you family, may Karma hit ya a thousand fold) and lack of genuine concern for eachother out there. Never mind the politics of each show....sheesh!

Thats NOT why Im leaving! I have found that lately, something was missing, I wasn’t enjoying going to work....2 whole days a week....any more. Why?  I think it’s because I just couldnt share more of my original artwork out there. Let’s face it, my talent is NOT "period" related, I draw, I paint, I sculpt, I craft, but none of it is worthy of being "saleable" in that genre.

I really dont mind! I have, for years before I ever stepped foot in a renfair, been involved in the music industry, one of my first true loves. I find that my "style" of art is more acceptabe and salable at music festivals....something I never like being too far away from. (Remember Dan & Erika, the roadtrip to atlanta!)

I have found that my talents as a henna artist, painter, abstract artist melds well in that community! I am taking skills I have learned on the road, interactive, communications, and so  so much more with me.

I have ALL of you to thank for this, I could have NEVER done any of it without the love and support that’s been shown to me over the years.

I wont turn my back on rennies, you are, and always will be family. Remember that, please.

It was with you, I learned how to drive something longer than a car (thanks Tim!) It’s because of you, I know how to cherish the LITTLE conveniences in life, like warm smiles and genuine friendship. It’s YOU that has taught me that sometimes the customer ISNT right and can STILL be dealt with in a civil manner ( Thanks Christoph!) I woldnt have a clue as to how to survive on showering with less than a gallon of water if it weren’t for some of the shows out there (Thanks Louisiana, Georgia, Colorado, Michigan). I honestly doubt I would EVER be so "anal" about oil changes either! (I remember Bear’s trip from Colorado to Michigan in 5 easy steps..do you?) I am absolutely positive, i would not know so many ways to wear a sarong! (Thanks Ananda and all you boys who wear em!)

I also would have never known such love, trust and loyalty amongst such a transient group of people that rarely stay anywhere longer than 2 months!

I’ve never made so little money and been SO PROUD of the work I have done.

I have never been trained for so many skills in my life, I can make jewelry, sing baudy songs, play drum, make candles, I KNOW what Noriagi porcelain is (Thanks Rajah!) , I have helped BUILD a small city (RIP Live Oak Ren Fair), So i know about crowd control, city planning, how to dig an EPA approved well, lay electric and phone lines, paintt signs on the fly,  and dance with wild abandon every friggin week (Thank you CLARK!)

The gifts this family has given me are immeasurable, and irreplacable. I will hold them all close to my heart and soul for the length of my time on this planet!

I am excited to be "moving on" in a different direction, incoporating many of the talents, lessons and gifts I’ve been given over the last 16 years. I know that I am not the only one to do so these days, I have seen several "rennies" move in a direction that incoporates past and current loves in their lives ( Check out Dave Epley’s gig, DoktorKaboom, he’s gonna be fuckin filthy rich! www.doktorkaboom.com)

Now dont think that I wont be around, seems the music festival circuit follows the same kinda commen sense of seasons that renfairs do. I will be in florida, I WILL COME VISIT! I cant  just walk away cold turkey form ya’ll, never in a million years could I or would I want too!

So, if ya happen to be NOT workin at a fest some weekend, and there’s a music fest near by, see if "THE BLUE BUDDAH" is there..( www.myspace.com/theblluebuddah and www.thebluebuddah.com)

Youll see my smilin face and warm hugs waitin for ya! (and yeah, I;ll hook ya up on some sweet art!)

I’ve gotta new saying in my life: Art is not work...it’s PLAY!!! I’m excited to start playing alot more!

So, all in all, It’s been incredible, wonderful, and dammit, I WILL MISS IT, but all things change and this ones a good one for me!

I lvoe you all so much, stay safe out there, Trust, Understand, RESPECT, Nurture and Entertain one another....you deserve no less!

Peace to everyone, I love you all, and I WILL see you down the road!

NAMASTE!!!

Support the arts...................feed an artist!

Sue

8:17 PM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

amendment
Current mood: relieved

I stated in the last blog that i had regret......

.....nope,  I dont.....as so many have said, everything happens for a reason

im ok wtih that

thanks to all of you , i know that now

;)

6:42 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I fucked up bad
Category: Life

I think I lost one of my dearest friends today, and it’s my fault.

I have been so worried about MY shit, and MY situations, I COMPLETLEY lost sight of the feelings of those around me that I love most.

I think it has cost me DEARLY, and I’m not so sure I’ll recover from this to well.

I beg of you, my friend, please, give me the opportunity to atone, amend, repair the damage I have done.

I once gave that opportunity to a friend, and it enlightened my life like never before. ( I am STILL very grateful for this, and I will always cherish this in all ways)

So, in short, im a complete idiot, I hurt someone I love very very much, and I may have fucked things up for good.

I’m tore the fuck up...and i’m sorrier than i’ve ever been in my life

for the first time EVER........i have a regret.

please, family, friends, whatever you do, be damned careful what you say to the folks you love, THEY FEEL IT.

dont I know it.

I love you all

6:15 AM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

I know I haven’t said much....

I wrote this to a friend, and it occured to me, that I need to share this sentiment with all my friends...I do love you all!

With that in mind..read on

I just want you to know, that thru all you've been goin thru lately, I am sorry I haven't been there for you.  My heart aches in compassion and empathy for you and your family. 

True, it just plain sucks when someone we love passes away. More than that, the fact that we have/had no control over it, and it always feels shitty.

I have found that was my biggest thing, sadness, that no matter what i did, or not do, say or not say, didn't change one single thing. mom died, dad died, etc. It has been over the years, the hardest thing to remember. That I do NOT have any control in other peoples lives. That i do NOT make a difference as to when they will or will not pass from this lifetime to the next. That I can't have them here for ME as long as I WANT THEM TOO....(I lay this all down to EGO, evil thing that it is.)

What's held me up, was the people I have chosen to surround me in my life, near, far, seen often or rarely.

I know that it's folks like YOU..who have made me strong, folks like YOU that have held me up even when inside, i was nothing more than a puddle of tears n dispair. Folks like YOU that stood by me, even when my tragedies caused me to act a fool *(you know it's true)* and watching over me to make sure I dont hurt myself...It's folks like YOU that have kept me going, gently prodding with love and support till I could step off on my own again.....

and i have...

 ....and will in future struggles, thanks to folks like YOU!

I just hope baby, that in some way, someday I can be a folk like you FOR YOU as you have been for me!

Thank you ...I Love you all

6:53 AM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

update on thangs round here....
Current mood: creative

So I know it's been a while....I never said I'd do this blog thang regular like anyhow! heehee..anyway...

My FIRST show with The Blue Buddah is in a few weeks at the Ingleside Renaissance Festival...after that, the show's i'll be doing will be more along the lines of the "Jamband" music festival circuit. I will do my best to stop in at my local renfair every chance I get! I will miss so many folks in that part of my life...for sure! BUT...I'll also do my best to schedule some of my shows to keep me at the least, near enuff to visit on a weekday!

It's occured to me that this new venture will take me away from a family that I have surrounded my life with for the last 16 years....scary kinda feelin'....but also exciting as hell! I'm pretty sure that I'll encounter many new friends and even a few ol ones down that road too...yeah, excited, scared, nervous, and happy to look forward to all this!

Oh yeah, I am STILL a non-smoker...as of next Tuesday, it will be 4 months...I haven't killed anyone (LOL), not gained a buncho weight (less than 10 pounds) and can really smell it when my dog farts now....uh...yippee?;) heeheehee!

I just spent the last week in Austin Texas, wow, whatta great music scene...it woulda been way more awesome if it wasn't raining n 35 degrees! ICK....at the least, I"m NOT at closing weekend of TRF...I love ya'll..but damn sorry ya gotta work in that shitty weather! and REALLY happy it's closing weekend! Happy "winter" to eveyone on the road!

So...lifes ok, good, scattered, hectic, changing...which I think is so cool!

I love my friends, my family is my foundation...I'm a very blessed woman!

more before the years up? we'll see!

later!

Currently listening : Lazyboy TV By Lazyboy Release date: 04 October, 2004

5:26 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

"You are FUCKING WITH MY LIVELYHOOD"
Current mood: frustrated

That is a quote, from someone many of you knew on the road as a rennie. We all called him BEAR...( Executioner @ TRF for years, Wire wrap jewelery, guy who liked to rollerskated (in a suit) in toontown.!..that guy)

Anyway, there's a point to me extracting that quote, so here goes:

Recently, no, that's not right, for TOO LONG now, our COMMUNITY, as close knit as it is, as small but spread out as it is, we USED TO HAVE WHAT WAS CALLED A  "COMMUNITY" .

 What we have now, I'm so sad to say, is INDIFFERENCE to eachothers needs, situations, i.e., we seem to be TURNING A BLIND EYE to things this community NEVER tolerated in the past. (Some remember the BLACK HATTERS when they DID help police our community, fairly and just.) Sadly, the BLACK HATTERS got a little full of themselves, and ahead of themselves..and could no longer offer being the community watchdogs for all of us. They no longer exist.

We have had NO "self policing" in our community for so long now, that the "rumor mill" that exists, has FACT tossed in about some folks, and NOTHING is done about it. They either just dont work for "that guy" anymore, or do a completly different circuit to avoid the politics...which I dont know why because WE ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING TO HELP OURSELVES OR THEM.

I'm talking about the THEFT , VIOLENCE and HARD DRUG USAGE

WE ARE A FAMILY. We collectivley SAY that all the time, but when the shit gets sticky or uncomfortable, we NO LONGER speak up and try to HELP or STOP those things.

WHY?

There are people in our community that are KNOWN to be VIOLENT, that are KNOWN THEIVES...and there's WAY too much fuckin METH HEAD/ CRACK HEAD BULLSHIT goin on out there....but they all get the same kind of consideration, when they DO NOT CHANGE THEIR WAYS as those who DO change their ways.

WHY?

What does this do to our community? living and working as we do? IT MAKES OWNERS NOT WANT US AROUND anymore.
not to camp.
not to work.
nothing.

THAT FUCKS WITH MY LIVELYHOOD, as Bear had been known to say many a time.

I've got an idea...................

WHAT IF WE OFFER THESE PEOPLE OUR HELP???
whatta concept!
YOU and I KNOW people who have these kinds of things going on, they are our friggin neighbors ferchrissakes!
REACH OUT....I know it's hard..I know it's risky....but DO IT
TALK to eachother ...
For those of you who HAVE these kinda problems?
LET US HELP YOU>>>WE ARE A FAMILY<<<
THATS PART OF WHAT MAKES US SUCH A KICK ASS FAMILY

I think we have ALL forgotten that we are ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.

TOGETHER.
Together we can HELP EACHOTHER OUT, WATCH EACHOTHERS BACKS, and STOP this INDIFFERENCE to what's causing our society to fall apart.
TOGETHER. PLEASE.
REACH OUT to eachother, ASK for help or OFFER to help...we NEED eachother to make this work.
really...................

...............................you know it's true.

Ya know I LOVE YOU ALL....and just had to get this off my chest!
I'll climb off my soapbox .....for now!
travel safe!
sue

Currently listening : Tala Matrix By Tabla Beat Science Release date: 12 September, 2000

7:49 AM - 6 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

livin proof of growth n change
Current mood: happy

ok, a buncho months ago, I stated in a blog something about my perspective on humanity, how things have changed and how I have grown because of experiences in my life....so, I guess I should expound on that here, (yeah, i'm in the mood, i guess!)Enough cryptic shit, here goes!:

Years ago, I met a man who I immediatly fell in love with. His name is Dex. We were in love with eachother, but as things do change, so did our relationship. Many people who know me remember him. I have said, and will say again, He IS the love of my life. (If you ever have one, consider yerself lucky, it's a rare thing). I did not say that in past tense, because it never passed. It is what it is.

Anyhow, things went badly, to the point that it involved alot of pain and suffering on my part. He went to prison. That, was over 5 years ago. In that time, we BOTH have changed, grown and learned alot.

I learned how to survive and NOT be a victim. HE has learned how to survive and grow as well.

No matter how extreme the situation became, how violent, angry, chaotic, something in me could not just stay angry and hurt forever...for years, all i wanted to do was tell him "fuck off" ya fucked my life up. But that wasn't really true...and after a time, in my heart, I realized that 

I HAVE FORGIVEN HIM.

Since then, I have felt so much better with the entire situation. I have discovered what "True Love" really REALLY means!

Dex and I have spent many many hours, talking , discussing the things in our past we should have talked about then, but neither of us was ready or able to at the time.

He has and is a changed man, just as much as I am a changed woman. We both have grown stronger and more enlightened in our lives.

Neither of us is the same, thankfully!

Both of us however, have come to terms with our past, and now, we have a present and future friendship.We have gotten past our discressions with eachother and have learned that we still have love for eachother. That, obviously, is'nt going away. That's the true love part. I have honestly forgiven him for his assault. He is honestly sorry for causing me, my family and friends the harm it did. He understand the "ripple effect" of this as well. 

Dex and I both know there will always be people out there that wont ever forgive him for what he did to me, that's on THEM.

WE HAVE COME TO TERMS with it, we can call eachother friend, and do!

I am truely blessed to have this "paradox" in my life. I've learned alot about what "unconditionallove" really really means!

I wish no harm to Dex, nor does he wish any towards me.

So...I have a future with my friend, one i have loved deeply, been hurt by deeply, and learned to forgive, to me? that's a helluva gift! 

I suppose this is a lot to swallow for those that know me, Dex and the situation. All I ask of you is to be aware, if I can forgive him, you should be able to as well in your own time.If not, please, please, do not act in agression towards Dex, if you see him, most likely, you will see him BY MY SIDE, as my friend. 

There's more, but I think this'll keep ya'll intrigued for a bit...and really, if ya got any questions/responses, please do! I will reply honestly and openly to all that are not attacks on my sanity. ....(That's something I've always questioned!) LOL

Currently reading : Skinny Legs and All By Tom Robbins Release date: 01 November, 1995

5:04 PM - 8 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Coughcoughhackackack!
Current mood: determined

I have all these new things goin on in my life, n the hits just keep coming!

Seems to me, about 3 weeks ago..I woke up coughing...more than usual. I chalked it up to having been up too late, partyin' a bit heavy, shit like that...but it (the coughing) didn't stop and seemed to be worse when i first wake up.

 It sucks.

(gee...sounds like a problem to me!)

So.....bear with me folks....I've GOTTA quit smoking tobacco. It's gotta be the hardest battle I've ever tried to fight.

About a dozen years ago I DID quit...for 3 years...damn me for startin up again...seems way harder this time around. BUT, what i mean by that is I KNOW I CAN DO THIS! 

The tuffest part is my attitude for (the last time I quit) a few days. I was a total cunt, yes girls, i actually said that, i was a CUNT to everyone around me....it sucked. That did pass, and I never felt better...my will to beat the addictive and harmful drugs in ciggarettes were NOT gonna win! They didn't for THREE years....so I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I can do this!

All I'm really askin, is if yer currently in the vicinity of me, my life, my moods, my phonecalls, whatever...know I love you, I'm havin a hard time with this and IT WILL PASS..so fergive me if I seem to be extraordinarily PISSY.

I AM lookin forward to singing without hacking.

I AM looking forward to excersize with out turning blue.

I AM looking forward to living longer than my mom did. (Age 59 is WAY too young to die, but she did, the cause? it was emphysema)

but most of all.......I am looking forward to the WADS OF CASH I'll save by NOT payin friggin taxes on shit that's kickin my ass anyhow!

I think I'll travel more....! Gas prices suck as they do, not spendin money on smokes will make it a little more bearable at the pump!

Aaah....now that ya'll have been warned...thanks for your support in this too! Oh....i'll probably NOT give up smokin da 'erb.....so yeah, i'll still have a lighter if ya need one! LOL

it's good to breathe!

Currently listening : Gogol Bordello /Gypsy Punks Underdog World Strike By Gogol Bordello Release date: 09 August, 2005

8:09 AM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Sometimes the Universe is just plain pushy!
Current mood: excited
Category: Life

So....for the last several years, maybe more, folks have been tellin me that I should open up my own business. They say I am good at what I do, smart, yada yada....and for all of that time, I have done my best NOT to do just that....but...as the headline goes....!

In 2 years, I've managed to find myself "filtered" out of the henna industry in the renaissance festival circuit. I've either been fired, or quit due to most often, stupid circumstance..but whatever....it is what it is!

I've also not seriously tattoo'd in over 5 years...another "gift" folks say I should continue...and because of the employment situation I have found myself in....the Universe has pushed me to the edge....

.....and I'm gonna do it! I will be opening my own Henna company in the near future. Not to worry fellow Henna company owners, the renfair circuit is the LAST place I plan on spending my entire year! I have been involved in the music industry for a very long time, and that's where I plan on doing most my work.  As for the Tattooing? Well, I still need ink and lexan tubes...which cost $$$....I'm hoping to be up and runnin within the next 30 days...

..I've been putting off doing any of these things for a variety of reasons over the years. Yet, the way the world moves, it's been put in front of me more and more, till all I really have left is to be "self sufficient"...gee...that's not a bad thing is it? LOL..

Anyhow...I'm excited, nervous, goin broke, but dammit, i'll be doin what i want, how i want , when i want and where i want....yep, the universe can get pushy, but at least it's pushed me into a situation I am looking forward too!

So, I guess for all those that I've worked with and for over the years, thanks, it's been a lesson, i've grown and couldn't have done it without ya....good, bad, or otherwise! And dont be suprised if I call a few of ya to see if ya wanna work some crazy gig without yer garb! woohoo!

big love to all!

sue

Currently listening : New Riders of the Purple Sage By The New Riders of the Purple Sage Release date: 05 October, 1989

5:51 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment