Me, New Kids On The Block, and Hayden Panettiere on TRL 9/04! (AKA The Most Random Day Ever)
Current mood: sweaty
Hey People,
Did you know TRL is still on the air? Did you know it tapes 2 days in advance and barely plays music videos? And it's on at 11AM this summer? Me neither.
My life long dream of performing standup comedy on TRL has come true! I was picked along with 2 other comedians to tell jokes in a room full of 16 year old girls about the VMAs, and the winner got a $13,000 prize package. Let me first say, who really wants a $13,000 prize package? You have to pay taxes on that. Who wants to pay taxes on that? I know I don't. And it would be so darn heavy! How would I get it back to my house? I'm not paying for shipping, that's for sure. And a trip for 2 to Barbados? Sounds uber lame to me. That would probably be a long flight, and I hate flying. They probably don't even have Chipotle there. Sounds more like a punishment than a vacation to me!
A little advice to future TRL 2008 VMA standup contest performers - don't make fun of the British guy hosting the VMAs in your routine if you hope for him to pick you to win lots of cool stuff. I must say Russell Brand seems like a really genuine, sweet guy. And he is hilarious if you check out his Youtube clips from the UK! Though I personally don't think he's funny enough to win a $13,000 prize package either.
The best part was when I got to make eye contact with Hayden and she went from smiling to not smiling. I also got to make eye contact with the mean guy from New Kids On The Block! He is really mean looking.
During a break, I talked to some audience member who flew in from Vermont to see NKOTB, as we call them. And to meet them at Best Buy. This lady was 32 pretending to be 24 to get into the show. She loves Donny Wahlberg. She got to hug and talk to him for a second after their segment. I asked her why she was going to the Best Buy thing still, and she said it was because she waited in line for 24 hours and has "more things to tell him." If Donny Wahlberg ends up in a ditch somewhere, someone have the police call me! (Even if he's just in a ditch and not dead. If he's hanging out in ditches, then he's up to no good!)
I am interesting to see how it came off on TV. I had a really fun time, except for the part where we had to stand there and pretend to not know who he picked to win, and then stand there while the really hot Australian host lady/not Carson Daly talked about things. There is a 1000:1 chance I end up looking really uncomfortable and out of place here.
If you're in NY, check out comedian Reese Waters who did a great job on the show today. He's a good dude too. I really feel sorry for this guy....all the taxes he's going to have to pay! And all the lugging around of that gift basket! Poor guy. www.myspace.com/reesewaters
Thanks for watching! I love all of you.
Taylor PS Joey Mcintyre is so dreamy!!
Currently
listening
:
Hangin’ Tough
By
New Kids on the Block
Release date: 1990-10-25
Does Fire Insurance Cover Foam WWF Championship Belts?
Before I lived in the flame-ridden city of Los Angeles, I lived for 18 years in the flame-ridden city San Diego. My family still lives there, at least until further notice. My mother, brother, and dog have been forced to evacuate our home. I'm glad my mom and brother brought the dog. She's really cool (my dog). I asked what else they brought, and the answer was "Water, food, clothes, and a tent." I said, "I know, but what important things did you bring?" "That's it." That's it? What about all my priceless items that are in my old bedroom/room where people that I don't want to sleep, sleep? What if they are all lost? Here are some of the things I'm most worried about.
A photo of a chubby, 12-year-old me and the first ever female WWF Intercontinental Champion, Chyna Yes, I was chubby. If you want the evidence, go dump some water around my house!
"Star Wars" piano sheet music Girls love a guy who can play "Star Wars" on the piano, right?
An autographed headshot from the Golden Girl's Betty White that says "Thanks for being such a big fan!" Apparently, when my mother met Betty, she lied and said I was a "big fan." I'm still not sure who she is.
Video of my first time performing stand-up comedy If this gets burned up, maybe it would be for the best.
Pee-Wee's Playhouse Collector's Edition VHS Box Set I think my mom paid some ridiculous amount of money for this 10 years ago. It's now on DVD for $20.
"Dude Where's My Car?" on DVD no comment.
Smash Mouth's first 2 CDs see above.
Some $7 checks from performing stand-up comedy in LA I really do make millions of dollars.
A MTV TRL shirt I got as a gift and never wore in public It's a nice shirt, don't judge me.
A drawer full of yalmakas that I always forgot to take off my head before leaving the synagogue Or as you gentiles call them, "those little Jewish hats."
Sega Genesis Activator Ring The commercials made me think I could use this to play Mortal Kombat by punching and kicking in the air. I ended up sitting in the ring and using the controller.
"I Ain't Got Time to Bleed" By Jesse Ventura The greatest governor of Minnesota since Knute Nelson.
The first 50 issues of Disney's Adventure Magazine The first issue's cover had Rick Moranis and Baloo from The Jungle Book on it! I was so cool in grade school.
A bookshelf full of Cliffsnotes I've never read for novels I was supposed to read in English classes I barely passed Taylor fun fact 454 - I once got a B+ on a test for a book I didn't even open!
An autographed photo of myself and former WWF/UFC star Ken Shamrock What? was that written correctly? Yes it was! I met him when I was twelve and got a photo with him. Then I met him a year later, and he signed it! Ladies?
4 unwrapped BET Comic View All Stars VHS tapes If it's the thought that counts.....then this birthday present i got last year does not count for much.
Currently
listening
:
Burning Down the House
By
Tom Jones
Release date: 05 October, 1999
You May Be More Famous Than Me, But I Got to Drive Before You Did!
Current mood: envious
There are so many talented and untalented (more the latter) people that are famous. The best piece of advice I've ever received is to not compare myself to others. The second best piece of advice I've ever received is to not take advice from others. Ironically, I've chosen to take the second best piece of advice over the first. Here is a list of some people who are younger and more successful than me, and why I am not completely jealous of them.
Greg Oden (born January 22, 1988) why I should be jealous: He signed a 2-year $8 million contract with the NBA, as well as a deal with Topps trading cards for $3 million+. Why I'm not completely jealous: See photo
Zac Efron (born October 18, 1987) Why I should be jealous: He starred in one of Disney Channel's biggest movies ever, and he gets to see Vanessa Hudgens naked. Why I'm not completely jealous: If I Google her name, I can also see Vanessa Hudgens naked.
Hilary Duff (born September 28, 1987) Why I should be jealous: She has starred in hit movies and sold over 13 million albums worldwide. Why I'm not completely jealous: I've never had to tell anyone that my favorite band is Good Charlotte.
Shaun White (born September 3, 1986) why I should be jealous: He is an olympic gold medalist, he's one of the best skaters/snowboarders in the world, and he's been on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. Why I'm not completely jealous: N/A
Dakota Fanning (born February 23, 1994) Why I should be jealous: She has starred in movies with people like Denzel Washington and Sean Penn. Why I'm not completely jealous: My "awkward faze" will not be on display at Blockbuster for the rest of eternity.
Freddy Adu (born June 2, 1989) Why I should be jealous: At the age of 14, he became the youngest American athlete in over 100 years to sign a major league pro contract on any team sport. Why I'm not completely jealous: No one in America cares about soccer or knows who he is.
Bow Wow (born March 9, 1987) Why I should be jealous: He has sold millions of albums, starred in movies, and owns his own record company. Why I'm not completely jealous: I don't have to go through this every day:
"Hey, you're Lil' Bow Wow!" "No, my name is Bow Wow." "That's what I said! Lil' Bow Wow!" "I used to be 'Lil' Bow Wow', but now I'm just 'Bow Wow.'" "You're weird."
Lindsey Lohan (born July 2, 1986) Why I should be jealous: She is a big time movie star and has hosted Saturday Night Live Why I'm not completely jealous: To the best of my knowledge, my vagina is not all over the internet.
Currently
listening
:
Beware of Dog
By
Lil’ Bow Wow
Release date: 26 September, 2000
I Am Trying to Find a Cure for HIV (Sort-of....)
Current mood: impressed
So I was googling myself today... (Wait, that sounds dirty, doesn't it?) I was searching my name on the internet hoping to find articles and websites that have written about me.... (That sounds pathetic, doesn't it?) Anyways, I found another person in this world with the exact same name as me! Exciting stuff, right? Well, it turns out that this other "Taylor Williamson" is an American living in Darfur, working as part of an HIV clinical trial. This guy is in Africa trying to save the world! Boy does this guy make my life sound insignificant. You know what I did today? I spent an hour searching my name on the internet. Then I googled myself.
I know better than to compare myself to others, so I won't do that. We live different lives. Neither one of us is better than the other. He is spending his time trying to find a cure for HIV and prevent millions of innocent children from dying every year, and I'm trying to figure out how to make fun of him.
I wonder how I can use this guy to my advantage. Maybe I'll meet one of those girls who's really into helping others, and nonsense like that. And if she asks me, "What do you do in your free time? Do you volunteer for any charities?" I'll say, "Taylor Williamson works in Africa trying to stop AIDS." And she'll be all over me! she's obviously a good person, so she can totallly get over the fact that I seemingly talk in third person. She'll tell her friends, "Yah, my new boyfriend talks in third person. But what a great guy he is! Taylor Williamson helps those affected with HIV in Africa and is fighting for a cure. But he also says he went to culinary school! But for some reason, whenever I ask him to make me dinner, he says it isn't possible. because 'Taylor Williamson lives Africa, you idiot.' He has a weird sense of humor, but he's such a humanitarian!'"
I hope this guy doesn't cure HIV. Now don't get me wrong, I want HIV to be cured, that would be great, it would totally make my day. My problem would be if this guy was the man who put a stop to this disease. He would end up being way more famous than I could ever imagine! Think about it. Who's more famous....Seinfeld, or Einstein? This guy would definitely ruin my life! I would check into hotels and people would say, "My goodness! Are you the Taylor Williamson who cured HIV, thus saving millions of lives and changing the world as we know it?" And I'd say, "No. I'm the Taylor Williamson who's MCing the Bridelstein family reunion in the reception hall. While you're helping me out, is there any way you can put me in a room next to the ice machine? That would be terrific. Oh, you don't have any available? Wait a minute, where did this $5 bill come from? I just found it on the ground! It must be yours. It's yours, right? Take it. Now let me ask you again.....any rooms left next to the ice machine??"
I'll be honest, one day if this guy does become super famous, I would probably be excited to meet him! If I saw him at a speech, I'd run up to him and say "Hey, Taylor Williamson! Guess what, I'm a comedian, and we have the same name! Isn't that crazy?!?" And he'll probably give me attitude and say, "Yah, right. Whatever. Get out of my face. I don't believe you." And just before security drags me away and he's out of my sight, I'll yell at the top of my lungs, "Are you calling me a liar? You know what? Go Google yourself!"
Big news, everybody! I cleaned my room. Yep. Now I didn't clean up for the same reason as most people. Not because I was tired of that horrific smell, or because I was curious as to what could possibly create such an odor. Not because I wanted to know if my door could really open all the way. Not even because I wondered what color my carpet was. I did it because I started thinking, "What if I died in my sleep, and someone had to come into my room?" Then I thought, "What if they found my body and the mess I lived in, but couldn't contact my family in time to get a proper obituary, so they decided to make one up based on what they found in my filthy room?" It would probably go something like this:
"Taylor Williamson, a son, possibly a brother, and maybe even a father, (but probably not, since what kind of a girl would go into a room like this?) died in his sleep last night. What can we say about this young man? He was handsome; that's a fact. He slept in his underwear....that's sexy. Although he wore tighty-whities....not so sexy. But hey, he had boxer shorts on the floor, so maybe he didn't want to put those on since they were dirty, and he didn't want to sleep naked, because sleeping naked is gross! Well, unless you're a hot girl. Then it is awesome. Taylor had a lot of hobbies. He had numerous photos of himself on stage holding a microphone - so apparently, he loved to perform karaoke. He also loved to collect things and keep them in mint condition. He had many items still in their original packaging, including an Ultimate Warrior action figure from 1989, and an unopened box of condoms, with an expiration date of 2005. (So I guess this proves that he wasn't a father.....or maybe it proves that he was? Anyways....)Taylor also enjoyed collecting other items, such as bags from fast food restaurants, letters from credit collectors, and chicken strips. Taylor was a good samaritan. He was always happy to do favors for others. It appears as if his neighbor Cindy Roth has been out of town for a few months, so Taylor gladly held onto her mail for her and kept it safe under his mattress until she got back. She was apparently very lonely, and received no letters from friends or family. It looks like the only mail she received was catalogues from Victoria's Secret. Taylor's roomate was brought to tears when he heard of this tragedy. "I'm so sad, I'm at a loss for words." he said. "Does this mean I have to pay his rent this month? Oh, and I'm going to grab that Fast and The Furious DVD. It's mine, I swear." Taylor was a non-comformist. He did what he wanted, defying society's expectations of him. Even though he had a laundry basket, he kept his clothes on the floor, just inches away. Why didn't he put his clothes in the basket? Why didn't he ever wash them? What was that god-awful smell coming from beneath the clothes? Was it the clothes? Was it the black, lime jello cottage cheese salad? It appears we are left with more questions than answers, and maybe that's a good thing. God bless you, Taylor Williamson. And God bless whomever has to clean this room."
Currently
listening
:
Stankonia
By
OutKast
Release date: 31 October, 2000
The Right to Grizzly Bear Arms
Current mood: silly
I'm a big fan of the 1st Amendment of The Constitution: "Freedom of Speech." It allows us to say or do basically whatever we want, as long as we aren't harming others, or ourselves. It really bothers me when people use the first amendment as an excuse for their idiotic behavior. I have an amazing idea that would hopefully make them think twice before they do or say something stupid. I say we change the wording of the 1st Amendment. So next time someone goes up to Rev. Fred Phelps and asks, "Hey Fred, why are you standing in front of gay person's funeral with a sign that says "God hates fags"? Then he'll confidently say, "Why? Because of the 1st Amendment! 'Right to be a jackass'!! Wait..did I just call myself a jackass? Wow, I really should be ashamed of myself. What am I doing with my life?"
Gun control is another big issue stemming from the constitution. I love when people argue that "guns don't kill people, people kill people!" But what do they use to kill people? They use guns! They don't use bunk beds! No one is trying to get rid of bunk beds! The only kind of person who would picket with a sign that says "Ban Bunk Beds!" is someone who has a problem with convenient sleeping arrangements and also loves to use alliteration.
Guns are violent weapons! They don't have very many uses. What can you do with a gun? The only thing a gun is useful for is to hurt another living creature, or to let an athlete know it's time to start running. But if I had to start a race, I'd definitely use a whistle. How embarrassing would it be if you were supposed to start a race with a gun, but forgot to bring bullets?? On second thought, maybe it wouldn't be such a dilemma. You could probably just borrow a bullet from someone in the crowd. Did you know there's 250 million guns in this country? And there's 300 million people. That means for every six people, there are five guns. And I know I don't have a gun. None of my friends have a gun. So that means, there is some people out there who have two or three guns. What does someone need three guns for?? If you have three of any one item that achieves the same purpose, then I don't trust you....you're up to no good. If I walk into your kitchen and I see that you have three toasters, I'm calling the Police....using one of your cell phones.
Now I don't have a solution for this problem, but I do have a a compromise, that might intrigue some people. I think we should change the meaning of the 2nd amendment, from the "right to bear arms", like firearms, to the "right to bear arms", like polar, or grizzly bear arms. I bet some people would actually be excited about this. "I always wanted bear arms! The bear head above my fireplace could use some company!", one might say. But someone might ask, "How am I supposed to get myself some grizzly bear arms, if I don't have a gun?" I would respond by saying, "Well, I would just let you know that I have faith that you will find a way. And once you do, and you're out of the hospital, do me a favor; put up a big sign in front of your house that says 'I have bear arms, ask me why!' And when someone does, just respond by saying 'Because I'm an American, and I have the right to be a jackass!'"
I'm going through a quarter-life crisis. It's a lot like a mid-life crisis, with the difference being that I can't afford to buy myself a new car. I can't even afford to put gas in the one I already own. I mean, the one my mom lets me drive.
My life is so different than other people my age. People I grew up with are sitting in class, daydreaming about what they want to accomplish and achieve, while I'm at my home daydreaming, because I sleep until noon.
It sometimes bothers me that I've already found what I want to do with my life, since I'm missing out on what I would otherwise be experiencing. I'm not taking any law classes, in case I might want to become an attorney, and I'm not taking any sociology classes in case I might want to become unemployed.
Instead, I'm performing in front of people all over the country, trying to make them laugh, and apologizing to bookers for not achieving this goal. "I'm sorry, but I guess people wearing confederate flag bandanas aren't my crowd. And I decline your offer of coke instead of my paycheck, but thank you for offering. On second thought…......nevermind."
I don't know what else I would want to do. I could never be a doctor. The sight of blood makes me dizzy. I don't think anyone bleeding from a stab wound wants to have to call 911 for the guy that's supposed to help him. "Hey, 911? I need you to come quick! There's an unconscious doctor in room 94. Oh yah, and I have a knife in my pancreas!"
I could never be a teacher. Especially not for little children. I just don't have the patience. If some kid didn't know how to spell simple words like "car" or "dog", I would probably end up punching him. I honestly think that is an appropriate response. I don't see this as corporal punishment, but maybe a corporal incentive. Every morning I'd have my students say, "If I can't spell a three letter word on the first try, I'm going to end up with a black eye. Eye….E, Y, E. Eye." And then after I punched them, they would have to say "I promise I will not tell my mom. M-O-J. Mom." I'll probably let them off for that one.
I used to want to be rich, but I don't know if that is the answer. I've met people who have low paying jobs who are really enjoying their lives. It used to amaze me how some single, 40 year old guy who works at a used book store can be so blissfully happy. But I've figured it out…he's found something in life that not everyone else has..and that is marijuana. Lots, and lots of marijuana.
Drugs are something I've never had any desire to try. Some people have criticized me for my lack of experimentation. I've just never been big on trying new things. If I'm not going to try sushi, I sure as hell am not going to try sniffing cough syrup. There's a lot of things I have no desire to try. Skydiving is at the very top of my "Things not to do list." Don't tell me this is fun, this is not fun! You know what's fun? Gravity! It's a a bowl full of mirth and merriment. Don't mess with it. Gravity…..now there's something I try every day.
Probably the most confusing part of life is death. I sometimes stay up late asking myself questions like "Why do people have to die? Why do we have things like diseases, famine, and war?" Then I usually get distracted and start thinking about that song "War" from the Rush Hour movies. Then I spend the next hour trying to figure out how in the world Jackie Chan can run up a wall.
Now I know I can't stop myself from dying eventually, but I can sure do things to prevent the chances of it happening any sooner. I'll be sure not to take any drugs, I won't go skydiving, and I will never try to run up a wall….again.
Life is weird. It is full of unexpected twists and turns, just like my favorite ride at Disneyland…except on that ride, I know where all the twists and turns are, because I've ridden it before. In a way it's exciting not knowing where I'll be in another twenty years. Maybe I'll have a sitcom! Maybe I'll have a family. maybe I'll be working at a comedy club in Tampa, Florida as a dishwasher....The only thing I know for sure is that I am going to enjoy my life, without regrets, no matter what….Well, except if I become a dishwasher at a comedy club in Tampa. Then I'll probably shoot myself.
Currently
listening
:
War
By
Edwin Starr
Release date: 24 January, 2002
sweaty
envious
confused
excited
impressed
thoughtful
silly
