T. BLOG
Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe."
-Albert Einstein
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T. Brad Hudson

Last Updated:
Jul 4, 2008

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Gender: Male
Status: Divorced
Sign: Scorpio

Country: US

Signup Date: 09/26/05

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July 23, 2008 - Wednesday

I’m gonna give you a black eye, eat some blackened chicken and kill a black widow!!
Category: Life



Sometimes things get so ridiculous that I just have to say something…

Read please:


Seriously?  A black JUDGE demanded an apology from someone for using the term "black hole"???  This is presumably an intelligent, educated, ELECTED official that was offended by a widely known SCIENTIFIC term.  Even if he didn't major in any kind of science, there was a fucking MOVIE called "The Black Hole".  My 10 year-old knows what one is – maybe he should run for office.

You'd better be careful because you never know what might set someone off at a place near you – put some cream in that coffee, ordering it black might offend someone.  Don't call your next fancy party a "Black Tie Affair".  Those pictures you took better not be black-and-white.  Nope.  Grayscale.  When the lights go out, it had better be a power outage and not a "blackout".  Go to Vegas to play "21" because…well, you get it.

My point?  I'm sick of people looking for any little spec of racism they can find in any given comment, object, business practice, rule or regulation.  It is way out of control.  I am well aware that racism exists in this country, but playing the race card in every single little way possible simply does REAL racism a real disservice.  It's like the little boy that cried wolf.  Sooner or later, people are going to start ignoring it altogether.

I've also stopped using the term "African American".  We are all people of color.  Is white not a color?  White people have and always will be referred to as just that – white people.  Do I get offended? No. And for the record, I think "honkey" is hilarious but prefer "jive turkey" above all else.  You are not ALL "African American".  I have decided that if you were born here, guess what?  You're an "American American" just like me.  If you happen to be black, guess what?  You're a black person.  Black happens to be my favorite color.  Just check my closet.  Do you think I'm thrilled with being the same color as most major household appliances?  I'm certainly (although I could) not going around calling myself "European American".  Why?  BECAUSE I WASN'T BORN THERE ASSHOLES.  Yes, almost all of us can trace our particular heritage back to some other part of the world.  Stop living in the past.  Be proud, but don't demand special privileges because of it – and stop getting so damned offended all the time.  The only people I'll call anything special – because it's true and they deserve it – are "Native Americans".  But when you think about it, they were here before any of us or "America", so maybe just "natives". 

I've been doing a joke on stage recently about Barrack Obama becoming our next president – and I'm going to vote for him.  But that joke has drawn the occasional comment or "jeer" if you will from a few black audience members.  Basically I say that I'm looking forward to the next four years because black people will be out of excuses.  Al Sharpton will be at a rally yelling about how he's tired of "the man keeping us down" and someone is going to whisper in his ear and he will pause and say: "Oh wait, really?  WE'RE the man?"  And I get to spend the next four years mumbling "I'm sick and tired of being hassled by the man" under my breath every time something doesn't go my way. 

Good times.

Most of the black people at my shows laugh.  Because it's funny.  It's a joke.  Delivered on a stage at a comedy show.

It's about time everyone started taking themselves a little less seriously.  Really.  We have enough other shit going wrong in the world without someone demanding an apology because they used the term "black hole" to describe a clusterfuck at the central parking ticket collection agency and I'll be damned if I'm putting cream in my coffee.

Anyone that truly knows me knows this:  I believe in one race.  The human race.  We should embrace our cultural differences, learn from and respect each other.***  Live. Laugh. Love.  And then laugh some more…

 

 

***Except stupid people

7:31 AM - 66 Comments - 63 Kudos - Add Comment

June 27, 2008 - Friday

WTF T. Brad??? Oh you’re not getting rid of me that easily...
Category: Life

Well howdy y'all!!  Is ANYBODY still reading my little old blog here??  Ha!  I'm kidding.  Thanks to all of you for the wonderful comments on my daddy's day post.  I really appreciate all the kind words.  So where have I been and what's going on??

I'll just go at random…

FIRST (before anyone gets bored):

T. Brad's Rock Hard Fans II is coming up!!!  I will be posting a blog all about it next week – so get your cameras out and start doing perverted things to statues ASAP!!! This year I'll be taking all kinds of creative entries…

Ethan – my little boy is off to sleep away camp.  This is the longest he's been away and completely out of touch and honestly, I don't like it.  We are pretty much only allowed to send him emails – which he can't respond to – or letters and care packages.  He is allowed to write us back, but we can only call each other in case of emergency.  So now I'm walking around hoping my phone doesn't ring with the camp number on it! The camp posts updates with his daily activities and meals listed which gives us a good idea of what he's doing – speaking of which, did I mention this place costs $1000 a week???  (It wasn't my idea)  The reason I bring that up is because when I went to camp, it was NOTHING like this.  He's really at what I can only imagine celebrity rehab is like.  They have air conditioned cabins, mountain boarding, go-karts, paintball, scuba diving, rock climbing, huge water slides, a really big skateboard park, and they are also putting on "West Side Story" with the girl's camp across the way.  They are also serving catered gourmet meals 3 times a day – if you have kids and they are anything like mine – I just hope he's eating.  Last night was London Broil with rice pilaf.  Yeah, I hope he's eating.  Last night he spent the night outside in the camp's Native American City complete with teepees and a big bonfire.  My son – horrified of the dark – spent the night outside.  If you don't have kids, you have no idea how hard it is to leave your child with what is essentially a bunch of way too happy teenage camp counselors.  I put his life in their hands.  I guess it had to happen someday.  Ultimately it's going to do wonders for his independence, but I still don't like it.

Baseball – I had no idea what I was thinking trying to start another page and another blog for my baseball coaching experiences this year when I have a hard enough time keeping up with this one!  If you subscribed to that one, I thank you, but you can safely unsubscribe now.  It was my first year as a head coach and we finished in 4th place out of 10 teams.  We lost our last game in the playoffs by a score of 3-2 in the last inning on a play at the plate with 2 outs!  Nothing like going out in dramatic fashion.  The best thing about it all was the amount of things I learned from the kids.  Next year, we'll win it all!  I almost got teary-eyed after our last game when the kids presented me with a really nice framed team picture signed by all of them.  I'm still looking for a worthy spot on my walls to put it….

Me…after all, isn't it really all about me?  Ha!  I'm not a cocksucker like that.  I have been up and down, mostly up, which is a good thing.  I've been suffering from a pretty nasty case of writer's block, which seems to have been cured as of last night.  I've been writing a lot of new standup and I'm starting to line up road dates for this summer to put the new material to the test.  If you live near any of the following cities, please send me a message and I'll be sure to hook you up with the details if you want to come see me:

July 6th – Phil's Chucklehouse, Virginia Beach, VA
July 25th – TBA, Myrtle Beach, SC
August 17th – Wiley's Comedy Club, Dayton, OH
August 19th – Funny Bone, Columbus, OH (tent.)
August 22nd – Uncle D's, Spokane, WA
August 23rd – TBA, Seattle, WA

I need a vacation.  I'm taking suggestions.

I can ride my bike with no handlebars, no handlebars, no handlebars…..does anyone else have this fucking song stuck in their heads?

The T. Blog…I quietly had my 1,000,000th blog view this week.  Had I been paying attention, I would have tried to orchestrate some sort of prize.  This may not seem like a lot to some of the bigger bloggers, but I was quite pleased with myself.  I mean how many people can say that a million people have read their shit…err, I mean work?  I only have all of you to thank for that, so, THANK YOU!  I am going to keep on blogging, so I hope you all keep on reading.  I'm still baffled by the fact that I'm still steadily losing subscribers – about 400 over the past 3 months – I don't particularly care, just baffled.  If you like someone's writing, why unsubscribe just because they don't post as much as they used to?  Nobody has successfully answered that question for me yet, and nobody has to.

If you live anywhere near me, come on out to our Pre-Fourth of July Comedy BlowJob!  (blow shit up day?  Get it?  Anyone?  Explaining jokes always makes them better) The party is next Thursday July 3rd at Damon's and starts at 7PM – Show is at 9PM.  Heineken is sponsoring and we'll have scantily clad Heineken girls roaming about giving out free blow jobs…I mean beer!  They will be roaming about selling beers and giving away all kinds of free Heineken schwag.  Can I get a spelling on "schwag"?  Did I get that right?

So what are you guys up to so far this summer??  If you have a blog you want me to come read and catch up on things, let me know!  Link it here or just tell me to stop by. I've been bad and not keeping up very well.

Your assignment: I want your funniest "one night stand" stories.  What I'm looking for is odd things, crazy things he or she said, saw in the person's bedroom, house or apartment, and ESPECIALLY your most awkward moments before, during or the next morning.  Leave it in the comments here or send it to me in a message. It could end up being in my new screenplay and I will totally give you a credit!

Well, that's it!  I'll be around today answering comments and writing away, so feel free to ask me anything you want to know and I'll comment back!

2:57 PM - 74 Comments - 62 Kudos - Add Comment

June 16, 2008 - Monday

Daddy’s Day
Category: Life

 

I was going to wait and post this tomorrow, but I was doing some reading this morning and found some great blogs on what I refer to only as "Daddy's Day".  So I thought I would just go ahead and share this with you all today.  There are some absolute losers out there that states and other organizations recognize as "fathers", but that's a topic for another day.  This is my son Ethan, and I wrote this for him on "Daddy's Day".

He just didn't want to show himself, but I'm so glad he finally did!

Everyone that knows my son Ethan, knows his amazing character is completely underscored by his strong sense of compassion. The other kids are drawn to him because he accepts them for who they are and he treats everyone with kindness and respect. And if he really likes you, you'll feel like you had to have done something truly special to be rewarded with his kind of friendship. He is one of those rare people whose presence alone makes you feel lucky to know him. While I try to stay upbeat and funny, there were days I thought I would not survive. There he would be. I would just have to pick him up, look into those soulful eyes, and the world would immediately begin to balance itself. He is still at that stage where the innocence and sweetness that seems to thrive only in the very young is alive and well. He radiates goodness, and it helped feed my soul on the darkest of days. As his tenth birthday approaches, I have realized what makes Ethan so unique. He was a very happy baby that grew into a very happy child, and despite the highs and lows that come with growing up, he has always held on to that inherent sweetness. It's not that he's so innocent, necessarily. I mean, come on, today's ten year-olds know a lot more than we did at their age, and thats not always a good thing. His outlook on life seems to be what happens; happens, and things will most likely turn out as they should. He is wise beyond his years. Ethan has always had a certain quiet strength within him, despite his fear of the dark. He usually goes with the flow and tries to make the absolute best of every situation he finds himself presented with. More than that, I think he believes in the overall goodness of this world and the people around him, and that is the very light that shines from within him. He is not yet cynical, suspicious, or jaded. And because I have always been totally honest with him, he knows that if I'm telling him something, then it is so. He knows without hesitation, that he will be loved unconditionally, and without reservation. That is my gift to him. It's the least I can do for all he's given to me. So to think he's turning 10 next month sort of blows me away. There's no way he's going to be that old yet. I can only hope that when we're celebrating his 18th birthday, or even his 30th, I can still say, I see the heart of that little boy in the great man he has become. I hope he never, ever, lets go of that.

Until then, I will continue to pick you up when you fall, kiss away your tears, and give you all the "super squeezy" hugs you can stand. You are my hero, my best friend, and you are my son. I love you with all that I have.

-Daddy

Happy Father's Day to all the daddies out there!!

1:15 AM - 43 Comments - 82 Kudos - Add Comment

June 4, 2008 - Wednesday

Dr. T. Brad "How to" Series Part Deux
Category: Romance and Relationships

Dr. T. Brad "How to" Series Part Deux

How do I persuade her to go all the way to fifth base?

From all of your comments and personal emails, it appears as if you (my readers) are almost 50/50 on the matter of anal sex. Some of you love it, some of you hate it, but you ALL agree that it requires a partner who's understanding of your fears and agrees to go as slowly as you want, and stop if it hurts too much. So GUYS, flip a coin, you may find a woman that's into it. But, next to swallowing and 3-ways, this is one of my most popular questions from you. I am going to tell you the best way to try to persuade her to do this and then I am NEVER TALKING ABOUT ANAL SEX IN MY BLOGS AGAIN. Why yes, alert readers, you have heard me say that before.  For the record, AGAIN, I am not anti-anal sex - I really just don't see the need for it - or why so many of my male counterparts find it so desirable.

Guys, (or girls with strap-ons) this particular fantasy of yours should be broached with the power of suggestion: Instead of starting with full-on sex, try touching her ass with a wet finger during oral sex. Nothing crazy, just light touching. This area has a high concentration of nerve endings, so she might enjoy it. Then again, she might not, so if she squirms away or smacks your hand, forget about it. IT'S OVER, LET IT GO. If she's receptive, however, try gently, slowly, carefully, inserting a finger, and see if she goes for it. (IMPORTANT: Make sure that anything that has touched her there DOES NOT go wandering up-front afterward - that's like insisting she develop a urinary tract infection) If she lets you go all the way to fifth base, just remember: Lube, Lube, Lube, and start S-L-O-W-L-Y. One last note before I am done with this topic forever. Instead of doggie style, try spooning or lifting her on top of you. It decreases the angle of penetration, making the insertion a lot easier and less painful. Capiche?

How do I get her to have a threesome?

This is probably the NUMBER ONE question I get from the guys. Of course there is no magic answer, and your girl must be open to the idea to start with, but here are some suggestions IF you were to get that far.

If you think she'd never go for a "menage a trois", (Thats French for "best night of your life") you might be surprised how French she can be. Of course, this is neither something you can spring on her, nor something you can force. Your best bet is to attempt it with a fling, where your relationship is fun and casual, and you KNOW you can try anything at least once. If you've got a more serious girlfriend, you've got a more serious problem, one that needs to be handled delicately for starters, mention that you have this "teeny-tiny little fantasy" and that studies show that excitement strengthens relationships. Also mention that little "thing" about how much she means to you. Plant that seed, and be patient, and let it grow. She just might provide plenty of nurturing care.

My friend Kayla once said to me once; "All he has to do is express interest in a girl at a bar, and I'll have her on my lap in five seconds". Since unfortunately, thanks to the injustice of an angry God, most women aren't exactly like Kayla, you'll need to get yourself in the right place at the right time. If she's not receptive, you have two choices: Drop her. Or drop it. Nothing can destroy a relationship more than a guy repeatedly bringing up the idea of a threesome. GOT IT? Are you listening?

WHATEVER you do, do not wimp out if she agrees. Almost EVERY guy wants the "legendary" threesome. I have heard SO MANY stories about when it actually happens, they can't follow through. I remember the first time it happened to me with someone I actually cared about, I almost backed out. I sat there watching my girlfriend making out with another woman and began killing myself mentally wondering if she liked kissing her as much as she did me? I shook out those thoughts, and ended up having a great time. Most guys, however, are jealous creatures by nature, and no matter how good it looks in porno movies, when it is actually happening in front of you, you may change your tune. Just make sure you are willing and able to handle the ENTIRE situation AFTER the fact before you go diving into it. If you are remotely the jealous type, forget about it, you can't handle it.

How do I get her bare down there?

(every man's shaving fantasy)

Believe it or not, I get this a lot also. I can't remember the last time I was with a woman in need of a garden weasel. What's that you say? You don't mean you want your girl to trim her hedges? You want to do it yourself? Ahhhh.....now THAT's a totally different question altogether. Do you have any idea what Freud would say about this? I don't either. That's because he's dead. So I am going to withhold psychological judgement on your fantasy and leave it at this: She's REALLY got to trust you if she's going to let you take a blade to her private parts. That said, this is one of the most fun and erotic things in the bedroom or the bathroom for that matter. Every movement, every stroke is heightened, and of course, your face is right next to her crotch. As soon as you're done, she's most likely going to want to have sex right away. And with trust like that, the sex is SO much better. Here is a good way to get it started guys. You don't want to hear this, but it's truly the best way to go if you want this to happen. Let her shave YOU first. If you are really a man, let her tie you up and shave you clean. She's a lot more likely to submit to this fantasy if she knows you trust HER that much.

How do I convince her to swallow?

Probably most popular question 2. This is a sticky one, literally. I read a study recently that said that 75 percent of women like giving head, only 25 percent of THOSE women like to super-size that order with a Slurpee. For some women, swallowing is the only way to blow. OK, I think I am done with the bad puns. But if this is your thing, find one of those 25 percent and buy her a ring. For the other women, the idea is not always a good one. Reasons range from "it tastes yucky" to "I feel like I am going to gag" to "I'd rather use my calories on something chocolate". Still, theres a good chance she'll do it if she knows you really, really, want it.

BUT, you've got to CLEAR it with her first!! "Accidentally" giving her a surprise mouthful could result in a loss of blow job privileges completely. That is unwise, my friend, and unnecessary. Instead, ask for permission, and see what she says or the next time she's south of the border, rave about her technique. She will most likely want to make her performance even better, and well, swallowing is the logical next step. But let HER make that choice. Don't ever assume. You know that old saying: "When you assume, it makes and ass out of you and, well, just you. And if she doesn't go for it on her own? Beg. You might get it every once in a while. Tell her it's your deepest, dirtiest fantasy, and don't expect it every time. See if she'll do it for your birthday and maybe Christmas, and, er, Arbor Day, or Flag Day, and maybe in return for going down on her. There's an idea! And tell her you'll swallow, no problem!

That's it for the "How To" series, if you have something in the sack that you want me to help out with a "How To" question, feel free to let me know. But, girls, dont send me any more "How do you deep throat?" emails. I truly dont know, but I AM willing to work with you....

7:56 AM - 53 Comments - 52 Kudos - Add Comment

June 3, 2008 - Tuesday

Dr. T. Brad Returns with a "How To" series.
Category: Romance and Relationships

Dr. T. Brad's "How To" Series

I have numerous questions from my guy readers that ask simply: "Dr. T, how do I get my girlfriend to do ___?" So I am going to tackle these in a TWO Part Blog. Let's get to it! These are the most popular questions I get from the guys:

How do I get her to talk dirty?

Go ahead say something dirty to her. Preferably in a whisper and in her ear. And nothing about the dishes in your sink. After a few blushes and giggles, she'll join in. Yes, it really is as easy as that, and psychology proves it. Many studies have proved that people who like each other tend to mirror each other's body language and speech patterns, even in bed. So if you say; "Yippee Ki Yay", she should say "motherfucker". However, only if she's seen "Die Hard". Still confused? Here's a script: While you're having sex, start a little conversation. Even "you are amazing" and "I love the way I feel inside you" will do. AVOID statements of comparison i.e., "You have the best tits I have ever seen." She'll only wonder whose boobs you're comparing hers to. And don't blurt out something that totally alters the mood or flow like: 

"She puts the lotion in the basket!!!"

Total mood killer.

Once you're past this point, graduate to more dangerous words. Don't talk like a woman: Her privates are not "down there". Try words that seem unambiguously frank and naughty, like fuck, cock, and ass. Yep, I said 'em, you can, too, as long as you do it with confidence and passion, and not someone with Tourettes syndrome. If she detects the slightest bit of discomfort in your voice, it's over. If you pull it off, she'll be joining in the chorus. Dirty talk can't sound contrived. Think of the "primal" profanity laced tirades of a woman giving birth...it's the same thing in the bedroom, spontaneous and primal.

How do I persuade her to watch porn?

You mean she's never witnessed the magic of the genre? She doesn't understand the dynamic subtleties, the psychological intricacies of "Ars Erotica"? Well, it's your job to teach her, one double-entry backdoor cheerleader hooker at a time. The easiest way to do this is by doing what you do best, being a lazy ass, lying on the couch, and hogging the remote. Then you have the perfect chance to linger a little longer on an HBO soft-core sextravaganza like Real Sex or G-String Divas or even something as seemingly innocuous as a Sex and the City rerun. As Dr. Phil as this sounds, just watching something with sexual content allows you to get her discussing it. And chatter she will, it's sex and television, the two things that make most women talk nonstop. A lot of women see two people going at it on screen and get turned on pretty quickly. They are having sex, and she's not. She's likely to want to rectify that situation ASAP. With you DUMMY, so wake up.

And although you're obviously watching an adult feature length film for the sex, remember that women like a little bit of a story line. Not Gone With The Wind or anything, but something with a few minutes of lead-in helps. It's pretty common knowledge that women are aroused by love stories. Men like tits. Find a "film" with a bit of both. It also helps if you realize that anything that contains golden showers, gang bangs, and fisting, does not qualify as a love story. Another tip; Make fun of the fake boobs, feel hers, and transition smoothly to a reenactment.

How do I get her to wear sexy lingerie?

Believe it or not, I get this question a lot. Are there still women out there wearing non-sexy undergarments? I know they are expensive as hell, but even the new Hanes cotton stuff looks pretty good, and it's affordable. I sort of glossed over that above, so let me reiterate. GUYS: The "sexy lingerie" you like so much, costs women a fortune. The next time you are rubbing one out to the Victorias Secret catalog, stop staring at the models for just one second and glance at the price tag.

Buy it for her. Not you. Her. If you want to bring a Victoria's Secret catalog to life, buy expensive lingerie and stuff your woman into it. Then whisper item numbers and prices to her while you masturbate. If you buy something sexy for her, chances are, she'll love wearing it for you, because she knows that if you bought it, it turns you on. Women will wear pretty much anything, provided it looks pricey and its not given as a SOLE birthday or Christmas present. Then it'll just piss her off. Try giving her something because its "Tuesday". You're going to have to start out with the tame stuff. Save the cute pony harness for later in the relationship. But don't worry. Women know what men want. And after wearing a few negligees and getting your praise, she'll want to dress like the stripper you always wanted her to be. When you make her feel like the goddess she is, she'll want to play the part. Soon enough, she'll have a Brazilian wax, throw on some crotchless panties under a conservative dress, and really show her appreciation. In return, you will become monosyllabic and worship at her alter.

Part II Tomorrow...

Author's Note:  Guys, I gotta tell ya, if you couldn't get laid this past weekend - it just isn't happening for you.  There were more horny drunken women out sucking back cosmos and looking for "Big" than I have ever seen in my life.  For the "cougars" it was like mating season.  It was almost a little frightening.  There might only be one or two weekends left for you to find a bar next door to a theater showing the "Sex and the City" movie.  Seriously, it's like target practice.  For THEM, not you.  Dress right and have your credit card ready.  Don't say I never gave you anything fellas.

7:50 AM - 49 Comments - 54 Kudos - Add Comment

May 22, 2008 - Thursday

TRUE? No it isn’t.
Category: Romance and Relationships

 

I have a bunch of blogs in my head at the moment, but something struck me again today, and when I see something TOTALLY full of shit, I like to call someone on it.  The people at "TRUE" and "Mate1" personals, today is your day!  I have mixed feelings about internet dating and personal ads in general.  I really like reading personal ads - I can't get enough of long walks on the beach, dancing like nobody's watching, and living life to the fullest.  People are so unoriginal sometimes I really feel like puking.  My biggest problem with the ads from these companies plastered ALL OVER MySpace is the scantily clad, near perfect bodies and faces they are using to "lure" you in.  I have taken the liberty of adding a special new "logo" to their ads.  Here's some of the bait they want you to think you will find if you join their service:  (I'm sure these poor girls have a hard time finding dates)

uh huh....

right.....

Hi! I'm Buffy!

They don't even bother showing her face...can I just meet some big tits?

Maybe I could meet THIS pair!

I think I've almost made my point...

I'm going out with her on Friday...

One for the girls...and the gay guys.

Come on girls...you know ALL the men on dating sites look just like this Ty Pennington wannabe...

NOW....let's take it to the OPPOSITE extreme which is probably more like the truth than any of the pictures above....

Welcome to Dr. T. Brad's TRUE Personals™

"Where you can meet the REAL people in personal ads"

"I'm A few extra pounds, but Hey! I'm funny..just look at my shirt...Anorexia is HILARIOUS!!"

I'm the babe in the green, my friend is being FRISKY!

I'm ALL ABOUT class.  I am the Burger Queen!

My name's NORM! (not Eugene)

My name's NORM too!

I molested 4 of my students, but you never heard about it because I'm not pretty. (Sorry, wrong blog)

I don't tan.  I love it when someone pulls my pigtails.

Okay, THAT's just wrong.

But I really AM your soulmate. I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!!!

They let me out early for good behavior.  Do you like Sushi?

 

NOW.  Before anyone gets pissy with me.  I'm trying to make a point.  Anyone that has ever tried internet dating is most likely still laughing their ass off at this.  I am not pointing a finger at fat people, "normal" people, or really creepy guys in Speedo's with questionable taste in jewelry and personal grooming.  I honestly believe that this kind of BLATANT false advertising is the kind of thing that makes people feel bad about themselves like almost every other product we have shoved down our throats by the "beautiful people" hired by ad agency geniuses every single day.

I realize I've said it before, but I just felt like venting. 

So fuck you TRUE....stop making people feel bad about being "average" and single.

8:38 AM - 107 Comments - 110 Kudos - Add Comment

May 9, 2008 - Friday

My new tattoo design - opinions wanted - **REPLIED**
Category: Art and Photography

I meant to put this in today's blog, but I forgot.  Let me start by saying this - I have pretty much made up my mind on this one.  It has a lot of meaning to me and it is going to go on my left arm just under where a t-shirt sleeve would cover it - my bicep if you will. 

 

This is mostly a Celtic Design.  I have strong Celtic roots in my family.  I also have my own unique set of beliefs when it comes to anything "spiritual".  I mostly believe in all things that are "tangible" to me - The sun, the moon, the stars, the earth and the ocean. 

That's the short version. 

I'd really like to know what you all think - you like?  Or no fucking way?  Be honest, after all, I AM asking!

Thanks! 

TB

 

10:29 PM - 99 Comments - 81 Kudos - Add Comment

A Friday fun photoblog! **Replied - on to blog 2**
Category: Art and Photography

Hi Everyone!  As some of you have noticed, Myspace decided to eat a few of my blogs.  No, I'm not gonna spazz out.  I make backups of everything, and the ones that vanished weren't worth reposting in my opinion. 

It's Friday!  Let's have some fun with a little photoblog action...but before we start, let me borrow your attention for a little Public Service Announcement:

Does anyone remember my blog about everyone doing some small part to help out the environment and I kept mentioning phone books?

Here's what arrived on my doorstep a few weeks ago:


I know the picture isn't that great, but it is a Baltimore Metropolitan Yellow Pages, a Metro White Pages and another book about half the size for "Local" businesses and residential listings - all delivered in a nice big PLASTIC bag.  I don't know about any of you, but when the hell was ther last time you looked up a listing for ANYTHING in one of these????  I know that if you are reading this that you have a computer and internet access - Google is about eleventy times faster!!  I looked into how to stop delivery of these gigantic wastes of paper and all it takes is a quick phone call to you local phone company.  Just tell them you no longer want delivery and they remove you from the list!

Now, back to your regularly scheduled blog:

I took this picture of a dumpster the other day:


This is what you've come up with?  Really? 


I have nothing against breast pumps or nursing - I had an intimate moment with a breast pump once - those things really suck!  The thing that got me about this contraption is the text: "Some mothers have several for use at home and WORK." 

Male Boss:  "Sally, I need you to type this up and send it....OH MY HOLY MOTHER OF GOD....what is THAT??"

Sally:  "What?  Oh these things?  I'm just making lunch and dinner.  I'll get right on that..."

Speanking of boobs...



I like tattoos.  I really like titties.  This is just horrific.  How am I supposed to get aroused when you slowly take your shirt off and you have on ANOTHER shirt?? Sleeve?  Fine.  Tatitty shirt?  No fucking way.  This chick could give the best head EVER and I would be totally turned off. While we're on the subject of turned off...

Please don't do this to your lips.  I L-O-V-E lips.  Both sets.  I also love making out.  These things piss me off.  Pierce your nose, your eyebrows, every available piece of real estate on your ears, your tongue, and MAYBE - ONE nipple.  Leave the metal out of your lips - for me - please!  Yes, I hear some of you, and I will go fuck myself...eventually.  I'm just saying that I, me, and myself don't like jewelry getting in the way of my lips and my tongue.  Personal preference.  Talk amongst yourselves.

Speaking of my tongue...


I'd really like to put that to good use with somebody OTHER than Big Ben Kennedy -  This is us after the Lupus Benefit the other night.  Ben goes around with his camera after every show and takes pics with the crowd or whoever to post on his website.  He told me to make a face.  This is my default face.  Who wants a ride?

If you can't ride me at you local amusement park, stick this up your...well, whatever.


If you have questions, please let me know in the comments and I will help you understand - or click Here!

I always try to save the best for last. Boys and girls, I give to you:

The Viagra Ring!

CHECK OUT THE CAPTION:

RIBBED 1239V in 10K or 14K Gold Big hands... This model is for the discreet gentleman. We sell more size 11, 12 & 13 in this model than any other size! This ring is ribbed for her pleasure & yours. If you're a big guy you'll appreciate the weight of this piece. It holds a Viagra & many other tablets safely & securely. $399

Check out our NEW Celtic Stealth Rings. They Are Hot!

Are you fuckidding me? $400 bucks for a stealthy Celtic dick pill ring? And who is writing their copy? "This ring is ribbed for her pleasure and yours?" What? So when she tells you to stick it up your ass it feels good? Just try going anywhere near between her legs with that monstrosity on your finger, and she's likely to break it off. Both of them. So take this as sort of a PSA girls. Not that any of my readers probably hang out at the Holiday Inn Lounge, but just so you know, if the "old guy at the club" comes creeping up on you dressed in that sharp looking Century 21 Blazer.check the fingers and laugh hysterically in his face.

I lied.  I have one more.  I want to issue another invitation for any of my female readers to come and "research" this with me:



Did you READ it?  I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT THIS DOES!!!  I will settle for anyone that has tried it and is willing to explain what it feels like to me.  It looks really cool.  Hats off to the marketing team handling KY.  I have never had much use for lubricants during sex.  I'm not much on sticking it in your ass and I'm pretty confident in my abilities to get you lubricated without any help.  I still want to know what this stuff does.  I am only slightly concerned about a chemical reaction happening in, on, around the vicinity of my penis.

Horny is good people.  Enjoy the rest of your day!  Have a great weekend! 

(All of you douchebiscuits* that are NOT single and perhaps into KY, do me a favor and get some of this for the weekend and file a report with me on Monday)

*I'm really just jealous

8:56 PM - 92 Comments - 84 Kudos - Add Comment

April 29, 2008 - Tuesday

ATTENTION LADIES!! I need you to try and help me understand...
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping

(Please keep in mind - when I refer to "women" in this post, I'm only referring to the kind of women that would do what the post is about, which I'm pretty sure doesn't include any of you - if you are that type, then thanks for reading.  I have a feeling you'll be unsubscribing.  Sorry. Not.)


Understand what T. Brad?

Let me start by saying I feel like I know a lot about women.  Go ahead, quiz me.

I understand expensive, quality make-up.  Who doesn't like to look pretty?

I understand spending a small fortune on getting your hair done.  Again, who doesn't like to look pretty?

I understand a pricey day at the spa.  Who wouldn't like a great massage and feeling totally relaxed?

I TOTALLY understand nice lingerie.  Feeling sexy is always a good thing.

I can even understand the shoe thing – to an extent.  Shoes can be hot, sexy, fun and cool.  I mean, for a guy, I own about 20 pairs of shoes.  For many women, shoes are always a good indicator of what kind of man you're dealing with and for some guys, (not me) it's all about the feet and high heels.

I'm on the fence when it comes to jewelry.  I think it's fine if you desire to have a few nice pieces of jewelry.  Jewelry has an innate ability to make a girl feel really special but I can not get behind wearing a piece that is equal to the annual gross domestic of some small countries.  Guys wearing an obnoxious Rolex come to mind.

Where am I going with this?  I'm getting there.

Today was one of those lazy rainy days where I slept late, woke up, rolled over and flipped on the TV.  I'm lying there and I think it was "Access Hollywood" or one of those completely mindless pieces of crap dedicated to those obsessed with everyone else's life but their own.  I'll never understand the concept of people wasting minutes or hours of their short lives watching a TV show about celebrities and their gossip bullshit.  I just don't get it.  But that's another blog entirely. 

Back to my problem – through my grogginess, I hear something about RENTING a purse that appears in the new "Sex and the City" movie.  I'm lying there and I think I must be dreaming or something.  Did I just hear somebody say; "rent a purse"?  I rub the crap out of my eyes, shake my head and continue to watch.  Apparently, there's a website called "BagBorrowSteal.com" where you can rent the same purses, jewelry and accessories that "you see your favorite stars with in the movies and on television".

I had to go and see what this was all about.  All I can say is, well, nothing really.  Some things go beyond any sort of comprehension to me.  I'll let some screen captures from the site speak for me:


Yes.  You are reading that correctly. $1632 PER WEEK or $4,800 PER MONTH.

ARE

YOU

FUCKIDDING

ME???

And it's on a fucking WAIT LIST!!!

I HAD to go see what this fucking thing costs if you wanted to buy it.  Hold onto your seats.  Seriously.  You may want to grab a vomit bag from the seatback in front of you....

It may or may not be the exact same bag - but does it really matter? I'm going to move on because I'm about to blow a gasket.


What the fuck is THAT?  Do I have to feed it?  For $900 a month, it better come with its own food.

Speaking of ugly overpriced crap.  I will go on the record as saying; "I like bunnies."


$415 a month to look like a hooker with a mullet smoking newports in a bowling alley?


Don't forget to rent your sunglasses for $154 per month!!!

Oh wait, they're on a wait list too.

So ladies, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE (if you can) give me some kind of insight into the female mind and help me understand "THE PURSE" or "THE BAG" 

(I'm not down with the lingo on this one)

Correct me if I'm wrong - it is a thing to put your stuff in - RIGHT?  My ex-wife collects these things.  Every time she goes to New York, she comes back with a two or three thousand dollar PURSE. 

Is there some secret function these bags perform that men are just totally unaware of?  Is there a flat screen TV in there with a satellite connection?  The cure to male pattern baldness?

I'm going to say something and I mean this when I say it:  Anyone that would RENT or BUY a handbag for this kind of money is an asshole.

First of all, if you can't afford to buy it you're obviously trying to look like something you are not.  Rich.  Don't give me any of this "it's only in fashion for short period of time so it makes sense to rent it".  It's obnoxious as anything I have ever seen and you're still an asshole.

Who are you carrying this thing around for anyway? I know who - OTHER WOMEN.  It has to be all about status.  "Status symbols" are the arguably the biggest sign of someone being completely  shallow that I can think of.   I am 100% man, and I can guaran-god-damn-tee you that I don't care what kind of bag you have and I couldn't tell if you bought it a Target™ or Gucci.  No guy does.  Well, maybe some gay guys. 

Most guys are only looking at your tits.  Some guys will notice your hair, make-up and maybe your shoes.  But no guy is looking at your bag.

I realize I'm taking this to an extreme - but the fact that some of these things are on a "wait list" tells me I'm not too far off.  It's an accessory.  Girls like accessories.  I get that.  But I'm sure you can OWN a nice black leather bag somewhere for $50-200 or less even.  Am I right? 

My family has money - I make my own.  But I'd like to say something.  There's a huge difference between being wealthy and enjoying some of the finer things in life and being a GIANT RICH ASSHOLE.

$200,000 for a bag to put your shit in? 

Shame on you. 

That kind of money would buy 650 AIDS patients in Africa their medicine for a year - or the books and supplies for 5 elementary schools - pick your cause.  But I don't want to get off on a rant and take the humor out of this....

On a different note...

I want to fuck Madonna.



Yeah, she was decent jerk off material when I was 13 - but I've never thought she was all that hot.  But I saw her on something as I was flipping channels and something about her now that she's older does it for me.  Can you believe she's 50 years old?!?!?! 

Did I just post a blog about handbags and Madonna?

100% Man, I swear.

8:34 AM - 218 Comments - 155 Kudos - Add Comment

April 24, 2008 - Thursday

The Mixed Signals of Casual Dating
Category: Romance and Relationships

 

In the world of CASUAL DATING there exists a world of "MIXED SIGNALS".

Besides borrowing her panties without permission, nothing ruins a casual relationship like bad communication and incontinence. Here are a few monumental mistakes that upset the natural order of "noncommitted commitment".

CALLING HER EVERY DAY

This means one of three things:

1.) You're thinking about her all day, every day. Women hate that. 2.) You feel obligated, which is total girlfriend-boyfriend territory. 3.) You're psychotic.

If you're so hung up on her, how can you be interested in other women, too? You can't be both obsessive and philandering. You have to choose. You can't call her at 2 a.m. because you miss her on Friday and then go on another date with someone on Saturday. It's just too confusing. You could always plead insanity: Tell her you're an obsessive philanderer.

CUDDLING

I'm not just talking about after sex here. Cuddling goes on all over America. It can happen in front of the TV, in a bar, on the subway, in an animal shelter. It's not nearly as much fun as sex, but women like it. Cuddling and even holding hands says: "This guy likes being with me, not just on top of me." So whatever you do, do not just be. Instead, do. Keep your space on the other side of the couch. Tell a joke. Make shadow puppets. And after sex, keep your distance, put a big grin on your mug and say something unemotional but true, such as: "That was the most kick-ass blow job I've gotten this week." Especially if it's only Monday.

EMPLOYING TERMS OF ENDEARMENT

Pet names are for Upper East Side socialites or for couples who are so in love, it makes everyone else want to vomit. So just because she's great in bed, don't start calling her Sweetie Pie, Honey Bunny, Baby Waby, Smooshy Face, or My Peruvian Fuck Puppet...ahem...nevermind. Simply tell her that was the best sex you've ever had and leave it at that, right next to the $100 tip. Nicknames, inside jokes and talking about exclusivity are the signs of a more involved relationship, and once you incorporate them, you can't expect to keep things light. Relationship-wise, it's the ultimate mindfuck. And THAT'S not the kind of fucking that makes her happy.

WATCHING TERMS OF ENDEARMENT

It's really the equivalent of cutting off your dick and presenting it to her on a platter. A silver one at that. And silver penis platters are really expensive.

TALKING ABOUT THE FUTURE

Discussing living arrangements, the color of your future children's eyes or the antiquing trip the two of you should take to Uzbekistan is not a good idea, especially if you plan on discontinuing the affair as soon as Monday Night Football starts up. You do this because you're feeling guilty or philosophical. Blame it on your upbringing and those torturous hours you spent in church. Because all you're doing is shoveling unbelievable bullshit and throwing yourself right into the hole. And throwing yourself into the hole is what got you in trouble in the first place.

TAKING HER TO FANCY DINNERS

Lobster and Chardonnay can lead only to bad things, like credit-card debt, marriage proposals, and hangovers. Instead, if you want to communicate what she really means to you, buy obscure Phoenician sex manuals and exotic condoms fashioned from the foreskins of Arabian camels. Or perhaps, buy her a dildo, that will certainly express your exact thoughts on the meaning of your relationship.

TAKING HER OUT IN THE SUPER-PUBLIC

Don't invite her to any event designed to bring together huge numbers of people you know, at which she will have to be introduced at least 150 times; i.e., office parties, class reunions, policeman's balls and family weddings. There are only two reasons why you would take her to such functions: to declare her as your woman or to prove to others that you actually blow the occasional nut with a living and breathing woman and therefore aren't gay, no matter how it looked the other time. She certainly wont appreciate the latter. Even if she's really a blowup doll and you're making her pretend to be a living and breathing woman by shoving your arm up her butt.

IF ALL ELSE FAILS Some great ways to AVOID commitment:

  • Cover yourself in Aqua Velva or Stetson and tell her it's to drive away mosquitoes.
  • Lose your job. When she asks why you wont get a new one, say, "Fuck jobs".
  • Refuse to rent any movie other than Stephen King's 1986 "Maximum Overdrive", starring Emilio Estevez and featuring a soundtrack powered by AC/DC. Tell her it's the only way you can maintain an erection.
  • Develop a deep fondness for spiders. Insist that she develop one too. Help her along by putting a few of her new friends in her panty drawer!
  • Have an affair with her Uncle Ralph. Constantly tell her about all the wonderful things Uncle Ralph can do in bed.
  • Plaster your walls with centerfolds from Hustler and Tiger Beat. When pressed, tell her you want to keep her guessing.
  • Say "don't fucking count on it" whenever she asks you to do something.
  • Without consulting her, start a naughty-clown escort service out of her living room.
  • Follow her around everywhere she goes with a video camera. Tell her it's your very own nouveau Blair Witch Project -- death eventually included.

7:18 AM - 78 Comments - 77 Kudos - Add Comment

April 22, 2008 - Tuesday

Come check out my balls!
Category: Blogging

Hey everybody!  This is just a quickie.  (Like you really wanted to see my balls) I know the majority of you won't care about this, but I know there are some of you that will love it and this is the easiest way for me to get the word out.  I never thought I'd create ANOTHER Myspace page, but I've decided to document my first season as a head coach for my little league team and I really can't do that here.  I can't mix the typical stuff I write here and stories of little league baseball.  I've posted a few blogs over there today - I'm toying with the idea of another book, but it's too early to tell yet. 

So, if you're a parent, a baseball fan, or just a fan of my "other" writing, please come on over and subscribe and feel free to add me as a friend.  (I don't have any...waaaah.)

The Blog

The Profile

If the links don't work, cut and paste from below:

http://blog.myspace.com/mudville12

http://www.myspace.com/mudville12

I'll have a new post here tomorrow!

 

8:01 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos

April 17, 2008 - Thursday

So you REALLY want to buy me?
Current mood: cooky/wacky
Category: Art and Photography


First it was a wave of hot chicks desperately wanting to be my "friend".  I know they just want to use me for my incredibly ripped body and unrivaled sexual prowess...






NOW I'm being bombarded with people saying they have "bought" me as their pet - trust me when I say - "You can't afford this".  Even if you could, you really don't want me.



I will pee on your laptop as you run to the bathroom just before you post your blog.




Try as you might, I will not be your sex toy.




But I will chew your sex toys - right when your mother-in-law comes to visit.




And your favorite pink panties.



And all of your shoes...



Even your Jimmy Choos™



THIS is my FAVORITE game.



I'll have my friends over to hang out all the time.




I'll run up your phone bill talking to all my friends.


I'll steal the remote, drink all your beer and pass out on the couch every night.



I'll bite your cat's nipple...




then sit on his face and fart.



And if you EVER cut my hair like this...



I'll spend the rest of my life scowling at you like this.


Last, but certainly not least, I'll do THIS:




ALL DAY LONG.




So, you still want me?




(By the way, if someone could - Google "bad puppy" - and come back and tell me why I saw what I saw, I would greatly appreciate it)



7:17 AM - 93 Comments - 92 Kudos - Add Comment

April 12, 2008 - Saturday

Safeway - It’s not just for groceries anymore.
Current mood: hyper
Category: News and Politics



Happy Friday!  I have some free time today, so I thought I'd share some of the totally random crap that's been floating around in my head. 


I was watching some show the other night and they were interviewing some racist assholes about the possibility of Barrack Obama becoming president.  I only had to watch about 5 seconds of it before one of these douchenuggets says - "Hey, we can just assasinate him."


That's a really great idea Billy Ray Joe Bob but, alas, T. Brad Hudson has come to save the day and thwart your evil racist plan.  I spent the weekend in closed door meetings with the Obama Camp and made the necessary recommendations to keep him safe and sound if he is to reach the oval office.

Ladies and gentleman, please meet your new Democratic Vice Presidential candidate:
That's right!  The Obama/Flav 2008 Democratic Ticket.  NOBODY is going to dare shoot that man with this one w